UPJOKE
networknetworld wide webwwwspider webfabrictextileweaveclothentanglementinternetonlinewebsitesgooglewebsite

My daughter wants a pet spider for her birthday

I went to the pet store, and the owner said "that'll be $200 please", I said "$200?, it'll be cheaper getting one off the web".

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

I got myself a Crypto wallet and surfed the Dark Web, seeing what illicit "goods and services" were available, if you know what I mean?.

Chuffed to bits. Managed to get an appointment with a GP.

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

All web developers hate finding bugs in their work.

Except spiders

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Do you ever wonder if the web developers behind Pornhub were inspired by Kevin Costner & Field of Dreams

If you build it, they will cum

What is a web developer's favorite sport?

<body> building

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

What do you call a spider without a web?

Offline

What type of job would a spider have?

They would work for the IT department doing web inspection.

I once appeared in a theatre production about a very popular web programming language

JavaScript?

No, it was entirely improvised.

Caught in the web.

I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him

I'm surprised Peter Parker chose photography as a side-hustle...

He seemed like a natural fit for web-development.

What would Spider-Man and Wonder Woman name their business?

Amazon Web Services

I get anxious whenever I have to use the default Microsoft web browser

Using Firefox helps take the *Edge* off.

Right now my brain is like a web browser.

I've got 21 tabs open. 5 of them have crashed, and I can't work out where the music is coming from.

What do the dark web and submarines have in common?

They're both home to Tor-pedos.

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"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

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Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink.

They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light.

“I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries.

“Okay” says St. Peter. “I ...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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A guy drank too much on a party and passed out...

He finds himself in front of the heaven's door. He's asking, "What's happening?". And a voice from above is saying "Don't you see? You drank too much. You drank so much that you're dead now! But you won't be passed into the heaven because you were a sinner." The guy replies "I see... I'm ready to be...

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Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM

Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

This joke about Covid circulating around Chinese web boards...

If someone walking ahead of you farts and you can can hear it, that means you're not practicing correct social distancing.

If you can smell it, that means you're not wearing your mask properly.

If you are wearing your mask properly and can still smell it, then congratulations, you don'...

What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?

Peter Parkour

Last night I was just browsing the web when the wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. "Oh, I'm just looking around for some cheap flights.” I replied. She got all excited, smiled widely and then came over to my desk, got on her knees, undid my fly and gave me a tremendous blowie!

Don't ask me why though. She’s never shown any interest in darts before this.

Why are spiders so smart?

They can find everything on the web

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

I've been learning to use a new web browser lately, but my teacher is being really harsh to me.

He's my Tor-mentor.

Why does Ganondorf hate surfing the web

There are too many Links

A doctor is selling his victims on the dark web. He shows up to the location and no one is there. The doctor waits for hours. When the buyer shows up...

They say "Thank you for your patients"

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A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

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What did the web developer say after oral sex?

</head>

If you hear, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave"

There's usually a looming problem.

Got sick so I typed my symptoms into WebMD

Was told I may have connectivity issues

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A moth walks into a podiatriats office

The podiatrist says, "What seems to be the problem today?"

Moth says, "What seems to be the problem? Where do I begin?!

"I slave away all day at a job I hate and barely bring home enough to pay the bills. I'm going to have to get a second job just to keep the lights on. I don't even kn...

I was in a band called Dark Web.

We was always on tor.

There's a web page out there about my dad and I tried to find it but you know what it said?

(Web Page Not Found)

Who writes the most frightening tales from the dark web?

... HTTP Lovecraft

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

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I just created a web site for English girls who got a sunburn at the nude beach.

It's called Redtit.

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

WebMD is updating its server

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, cardiovascular diseases, dengue, or worst final stage of cancer with -30 days to live.

People are so misunderstood about spider webs..

They think it’s like silk, but it snot

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

What do Linda McCarthy and a spider web the in common?

They hang out with dead Beatles.

What's the worst thing you can come across while searching the web?

Your keyboard.

What do you call a river amphibian that spends a lot of time on the dark web?

Haxolotl

Did you know all the web addresses are piled together in Russia?

They're callrd the Url mountains

If Spidey is out chasing bad guys and he runs out of webbing but is still jumping over cars and climbing buildings, what name does he go by?

Peter Parkour

(Apologies if this is a re-post, but I did come up by myself. My kids hated it too.)

A fly keeps annoying a spider, which is building his own web.

Annoyed, the spider rages: "Screw off 'ye annoying pest! Once this web is complete, I will catch you, I will tie you up and then dissolve you *while you are alive*!! Just wait until _tomorrow_ when this web is finished!"

The fly, unimpressed by the spider's threats, replies before it flies of...

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

Yo momma so fat

she doesn't need the web.

She's world-wide.

We used to say my Grandad was like Spiderman, not because he was a web-slinging superhero...

But because he struggled to get out of the bath.

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home.."

".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area."

Did you hear about two spiders who recently got married?

They met on the web.

The most common type of web developers are not even human

they are spiders

What would you call a web developer who enjoys finding bugs?

Spider

What do you call a web developer that likes English?

A pro grammar

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

WebMD has integrated Google's Deepmind.

On startup it performed a self diagnostic test.

Turns out, it's cancer.

Did you hear that Spiderman is in trouble with the law?

They caught him on the web looking for Mary-Jane.

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

A Web Designer decided to use right aligned text

His boss yelled at him for it, because it wasn't justified.

So apparently Microsoft is working on a new Chromium-based web browser to replace the old ones..

Hooray! We'll finally have a decent web browser for downloading other web browsers.

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Did you hear that Virginia's Governor and First Lady actually met on a dating web site?

It was called OKKKCupid.

WebMD just released the entire catalog of human diseases...

* cancer
* flu

If Aladdin used a web browser

It would be called Jafari.

(I'm so sorry my friend made me do this.)

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For all you web developers out there.

Why couldn't the div buy a drink?

It lacked id.

Why couldn't the div find a girlfriend?

It lacked class.

Why wasn't the div good at diplomacy?

Its position was absolute.

Why was the div an anarchist?

It had no borders.

Why couldn't the div pla...

I went and tried to buy a toaster on the Dark Web

One of them was called the "Bath Bomb."

Did you hear that Heaven’s web designer quit his job?

He felt it was wrong to tamper in God’s domain.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out burning fires.
Why do elephants have big feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

First and last original joke from 6 year old self

I met a web developer the other day and ran away as quickly as possible

I'm scared of spiders

What do the World Wide Web and the Prime Minister of Israel have in common?

They are both Net and Yahoo.

How did Rey exit out of her glitching web browser?

Force quit.

How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

I hired a guy to teach me all about the dark web.

He was just my tormentor.

I know this guy who teaches people how to access the Dark Web, but if they're incompetent then he physically and psychologically abuses them

He's a Tor mentor.

I took a class about spiders

thanks to the pandemic, it was on the web

What does WebMD have in common with the rest of the internet?

They think everything is cancer.

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

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Spider Webs

There was once a young biologist who was researching the eating patterns of spiders. There wasn't much demand for biologists in his local area so he worked as a taxi driver by day, it was a steady job but there was long hours and pay wasn't very good. He spent his nights collecting spiders and bugs ...

Have you heard about the new Web MD zodiac?

All the signs say Cancer.

Why don't spiders need phones or computers?

They're on the web anyways.

I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web...

Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!

I really don't want to be a professional web developper

Selling my <body> feels wrong.

Passionate kiss is like spider web

leads to undoing of fly.

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