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Web Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM

Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.

# This comment deleted to protest Reddit's API change (to reduce the value of Reddit's data).

Please see [these](https://web.archive.org/web/20230609092523/https://old.reddit.com/r/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/) [threads](https://web.archive.org/web/2...

Caught in the web.

I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him

I get anxious whenever I have to use the default Microsoft web browser

Using Firefox helps take the *Edge* off.

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

What is a web developer's favorite sport?

<body> building

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

All web developers hate finding bugs in their work.

Except spiders

What do you call a spider without a web?

Offline

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the web developer say after oral sex?

</head>

Right now my brain is like a web browser.

I've got 21 tabs open. 5 of them have crashed, and I can't work out where the music is coming from.

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

What's the worst thing you can come across while searching the web?

Your keyboard.

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

What do the dark web and submarines have in common?

They're both home to Tor-pedos.

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

I was in a band called Dark Web.

We was always on tor.

I once appeared in a theatre production about a very popular web programming language

JavaScript?

No, it was entirely improvised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was watching a spider building a web. He thought, “I wish I could build a home out of my ass!”

But his results just turned out like shit.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out forest fires.


Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

This joke about Covid circulating around Chinese web boards...

If someone walking ahead of you farts and you can can hear it, that means you're not practicing correct social distancing.

If you can smell it, that means you're not wearing your mask properly.

If you are wearing your mask properly and can still smell it, then congratulations, you don'...

Why does Ganondorf hate surfing the web

There are too many Links

What do Linda McCarthy and a spider web the in common?

They hang out with dead Beatles.

People are so misunderstood about spider webs..

They think it’s like silk, but it snot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you ever wonder if the web developers behind Pornhub were inspired by Kevin Costner & Field of Dreams

If you build it, they will cum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

WebMD has integrated Google's Deepmind.

On startup it performed a self diagnostic test.

Turns out, it's cancer.

Why does sandwich meat have webbed fingers?

Because it's in bread.

Hey Web MD, why do doctors have such bad handwriting?

Cancer

Who writes the most frightening tales from the dark web?

... HTTP Lovecraft

Got sick so I typed my symptoms into WebMD

Was told I may have connectivity issues

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

If you hear, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave"

There's usually a looming problem.

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

If Aladdin used a web browser

It would be called Jafari.

(I'm so sorry my friend made me do this.)

All you need in life is 1 good friend

To delete your web browsing history after you die

The most common type of web developers are not even human

they are spiders

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

A fly keeps annoying a spider, which is building his own web.

Annoyed, the spider rages: "Screw off 'ye annoying pest! Once this web is complete, I will catch you, I will tie you up and then dissolve you *while you are alive*!! Just wait until _tomorrow_ when this web is finished!"

The fly, unimpressed by the spider's threats, replies before it flies of...

What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?

Peter Parkour

A Web Designer decided to use right aligned text

His boss yelled at him for it, because it wasn't justified.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For all you web developers out there.

Why couldn't the div buy a drink?

It lacked id.

Why couldn't the div find a girlfriend?

It lacked class.

Why wasn't the div good at diplomacy?

Its position was absolute.

Why was the div an anarchist?

It had no borders.

Why couldn't the div pla...

I got myself a Crypto wallet and surfed the Dark Web, seeing what illicit "goods and services" were available, if you know what I mean?.

Chuffed to bits. Managed to get an appointment with a GP.

I wonder if Spider-Man has done any web design

He would be good at it

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out burning fires.
Why do elephants have big feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

First and last original joke from 6 year old self

Did you know all the web addresses are piled together in Russia?

They're callrd the Url mountains

I've been learning to use a new web browser lately, but my teacher is being really harsh to me.

He's my Tor-mentor.

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home.."

".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area."

WebMD just released the entire catalog of human diseases...

* cancer
* flu

Why can’t orphans use any web browsers effectively?

Because they can’t access any of the homepages.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just created a web site for English girls who got a sunburn at the nude beach.

It's called Redtit.

How did Rey exit out of her glitching web browser?

Force quit.

I went and tried to buy a toaster on the Dark Web

One of them was called the "Bath Bomb."

What do you call a river amphibian that spends a lot of time on the dark web?

Haxolotl

We used to say my Grandad was like Spiderman, not because he was a web-slinging superhero...

But because he struggled to get out of the bath.

Passionate kiss is like spider web

leads to undoing of fly.

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

My job is hosting a dating website for insects…….

Don’t judge me. I’m just trying to make ants meet

What do you call the world wide web in China?

The internet of Qings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Spider Says to Another:

"If we built spiderwebs together, we'd be twice as fast! I shit, you knot."

I really don't want to be a professional web developper

Selling my <body> feels wrong.

Have you heard about the new Web MD zodiac?

All the signs say Cancer.

There's a web page out there about my dad and I tried to find it but you know what it said?

(Web Page Not Found)

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web...

Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!

What do white girls and web developers have in common?

nobody ever compliments our back end
:(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that Virginia's Governor and First Lady actually met on a dating web site?

It was called OKKKCupid.

Why did the male spider spin a web?

So he could catch all the fly ladies.

I met a web developer the other day and ran away as quickly as possible

I'm scared of spiders

What does WebMD have in common with the rest of the internet?

They think everything is cancer.

What type of job would a spider have?

They would work for the IT department doing web inspection.

So apparently Microsoft is working on a new Chromium-based web browser to replace the old ones..

Hooray! We'll finally have a decent web browser for downloading other web browsers.

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

I asked my web server engineer wife to give me head.

All I got was information and not the actual act.

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

What do the World Wide Web and the Prime Minister of Israel have in common?

They are both Net and Yahoo.

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

A doctor is selling his victims on the dark web. He shows up to the location and no one is there. The doctor waits for hours. When the buyer shows up...

They say "Thank you for your patients"

If Spidey is out chasing bad guys and he runs out of webbing but is still jumping over cars and climbing buildings, what name does he go by?

Peter Parkour

(Apologies if this is a re-post, but I did come up by myself. My kids hated it too.)

My wife screamed when she saw a spider in the house and wanted me to kill him for her. Instead of killing him I took him out...

We went to my favorite bar, had a few drinks. I got to know him pretty well. He was a really awesome guy. I also learned he is a web designer.

A guy calls the doctor after reading WebMD all night...

He says, "Doc, I think I might be a hypochondriac."

If Peter Parker were to retire from crime fighting…

He could always go into web design.

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