The 121+ Best Computer Jokes

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

The blonde's computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital

So she made it "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany."

A man calls quantum IT support and complains that his quantum computer isn't working.

Quantum IT support: "Have you tried turning it off and on at the same time?"

My boss calls me, “The Computer” but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.

I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Where do pirates store their computer data?

In an ARRay.

My computer keeps screaming at me that it's run out of memory

But it's all bark and no byte

Where did the computer mouse go to get a drink?

The spacebar

And you know I’ve been to a couple spacebars before, they’re all exactly the same. Great food, no atmosphere.

Whats the difference between an American and a computer?

An American doesn't have *trouble shooting*.

How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?

By checking how they pronounce the word “bios”

(A new addition) What's the difference between an American and a computer?

A computer has troubleshooting.

Also,

it can abort.

My computer program won’t run

Did I need to install legs or something?

A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...

It says, "I'll be your server today."

A computer programmer goes to buy some bread.

On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".

He never returned.

Why is Voldemort so good with computers?

He's fluent in Python

What do you call a French cat meowing at you through a computer screen?

Vidéo *chat*

“I've created a new computer that is almost human."

"You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?"

"No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer."

A computer once beat me at chess.

But it was no match for me at kickboxing.

-Credit to Emo Phillips

I feel so cold using the computer.

Because I opened too many windows.

Did you hear about the winged insect from America that evolved to be compatible with computers?

It was a US Bee

Having touble getting into my computer...

Enter Password: "FootLoose"
...

Wrong, Try again: "DangerZone"
...

Wrong, you are locked out! You are only allowed 2 incorrect Loggins.

How does a computer respond to a good joke?

101

What do you call a computer error that's madly in love?

A 502 Down Bad Gateway

Why was the computer so tired when it got home?

Because it had a hard drive

How did computers run before Microsoft?

Well.

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots

What do computers like to eat?

Microchips

Computer

They say that the new super computer knows everything.

A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with Your father is fishing in Michigan.

The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I k...

computers vs humans?

The best joke on mankind is that computers ask humans to prove they are not robots...

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd

My computer crashed at work

Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.

Whenever I see a computer driving a car, I think to myself

"What if they crash?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do computers and pooping have in common?

They both end when you logout.

What Do You Call A YouTube Sensation With A Computer Virus?

A social influenza.

My buddy said I need to "get out more, stop messing around with computers and find a woman", but little does he know, I'm about to date a really hot ~20 year old server.

It's a Generation 6 Dell PowerEdge 1650 that I had to turn off because it burnt my rug and my best estimate is that it was made circa 2002.

Putin declares all Russian government computers must be Macs

Rumor has it that he's scared to go near Windows.

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

Swedish Computer Terms

Researchers have discovered a lost Hemingway novel where the main character is trying to learn a computer language.

The Old Man and the C.

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

What is Forest Gump's password for his computer?

1Forest1

What do you call an astronauts favourite part in the computer

>!SPACE BAR !<

Why did Spider-Man buy a computer?

So he can create his own websites

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

I got invited to test a new car made entirely of spare computer parts

It was a hard drive

Abraham asked Issac to upgrade his home computer

Issac reviewed the system and stated "Forgive me, Father but the system just doesn't seem to have enough memory."

and Abraham said "My son, God will provide the RAM."

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

On a train to a large computer convention, there were 3 software engineers and 3 managers...

Each of the managers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The managers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said, “Here comes the conductor,” all of the en...

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

Walmart installed a medical kiosk. For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine...

Me: Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: The commute was fine. It’s my laptop.

I've just bought one of those new singing computers.

It's a Dell.

What did the gunslinger say when their computer wasn’t working?

“Looks like I need to do some Troubleshooting”

What do you call 12th century guitar music transcribed into a computer format?

Midieval.

My girlfriend told me if I don’t get off the computer she’s gonna smash my head against the keyboard

I’m sure I’ll be fine thoughjikshksheijs dhsjsuuwndjc

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

what do you call a computer in the clouds?

high tech

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

How did the computer hacker escape the police?

He just ransomeware....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband said, "Put MYPENIS."

The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...

"Error. Not long enough."

Trying to change my password to “MyPulloutGame” but the computer says its too weak.

All 7 of my children: “why are you crying dad?”

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

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Where are pictures of boobs stored in computers?

Random access mammary!

Three engineers

Three engineers are riding in a car. A Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer and a Computer Engineer.

The car suddenly stops running in the middle of the street. The Mechanical Engineer says, "I know what's wrong. It is a mechanical problem and I can fix it."

The Electrical Engin...

Why was the sheep farmer confused when IT came to fix his computer?

He kept telling him he had bad RAM.

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

What did the computer want to name its baby?

If it's a boy, Dell. If it's a girl, Adele.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdfw7.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise! Surprise!
It was an apple.
But with extremely limited memory.
Just 1 byte.
Then everything crashed.

who would make a computer out of trees

I-wood

A young girl talking to her Mother.

Instead of buying me clothes for Christmas can you send them to all of the girls that haven't got any. Oh so who are these girls that haven't got any clothes?

You know the ones. The ones on daddy's computer.

What is OJ Simpson's computer password?

Slash Slash back-Slash escape.

Not looking forward to one day having to buy a Quantum Laptop Computer...

I *still* haven't even finished paying the last bill from my Quantum Mechanic!

what blood type are computers?

Typo

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the similarity between boobs and Raspberry Pi computers?

Both were intended for kids but it’s the adults that end up playing with them more

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

What do you call a man whos attracted to young computers?

A PDFile

Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake?

Now he's programming in python.

Before you marry a person,

you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

Why can't computers drive cars?

Because they keep crashing

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

What do you call it when Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon band together to fix a computer?

The Greek Squad

What do you call a dating app for computers?

Love at First Site

My computer password in Incorrect

That way, if I type in a different password, it reminds me ‘Your password is incorrect’

And then I remember

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What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?

Shift + T

^(\[OC?\])

What do computer programmers do after work?

They go out and grab a byte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

Please help, I think someone is able to control my computer and type instead of me.

Actually you know what, I don't think that, that's absurd, nevermind.

What do Hutts use to program computers?

Jabbascript

How do you make a computer keyboard sad?

You make the key "D" pressed

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

My dad’s palaeontology files are filling up the family computer

They’re hundreds of trilobites

Why is the computer keyboard working so hard?

Because it has two shifts!

What do you get when you cross a pit-bull with a computer?

Not sure.....but, when it megabytes, it megahertz.

Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope?

Video killed the radio star.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

What's the difference between women and computers?

Women don't accept 3 and a half inch floppies

What's the difference between learning vowels and learning computer science?

When learning vowels, it's only sometimes "why?"

What did the drunk computer say to the bartender?

Put it on the tab

Why don't elephants use computers?

Because they are terrified of mice!

I'm a renowned computer science professor, but that doesn't carry much weight with my mother.

After I got my PhD, she introduced me to friends by saying, *“This is my daughter. She's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

at the library

Guy asks the librarian, "Do you have that new book on small penises?"

She checks the computer, "I don't think it's in yet."

"That's the one!!"

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

My Wife.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :]...

With all the increases in computer processing and storage...

You would think Microsoft would have released ExExcel by now.

I was going to tell a joke about computers

But it wasn't very PC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the crappy computer put in more high maintenance prison cells than the good computer

The crappy computer was harder to keep tabs on

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

How can you tell if a computer scientist is an extrovert?

They stare at your shoes instead of staring at their own

Why was the pdf afraid of the folder?

It had a .rar file in it.

I know it's horrible, but I came up with it when I was twelve.

My parents nearly took my computer away.

Two computers walk into a bar. The first computer says “1110001010011011.” The second computer replies “2”.

The first computer says, “Oh, so you’re non-binary?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What keyboard shortcut turns your computer into a piece of shit?

*Alt + Right*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has a lot of dick pics on her old computer

She has a hard disk drive

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