A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Help! I made my computer racist!

I accidentally pressed alt-right.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise, it was an apple, but with very little memory. Just one byte.
Then everything crashed.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why can't computers be gay?

They're all binary

Why do doctor’s all use windows computers?

Every time they get near an apple it keeps them away.

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

What is a computer's least favorite food?

Spam

Working on the computer is like driving a submarine.

Once you open windows, the problems begin.

My computers a lot like the Chargers

They both only have two fans.

How do you assemble a computer?

Bit by bit

How do you get a computer drunk?

A screenshot of Tequila

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

What computer sings the best?

A Dell.

My computer broke and I gave it to the IT guy.

It’s been several days and I haven’t gotten out of the sewer.

What do you get when you ask a furry to build a computer?

LenOWO, with WinRAWR pre-installed.

Smartphones today are a lot more powerful than the computers Apollo had when it landed on the moon

Guess you could say I have a rocket in my pocket

What do you call a computer that smokes pot?

High-tech.

If R. Kelly was a computer file...

He'd be a .pdf file

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer are riding in a car.

The car brakes down and coast to the side of the road.

"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."

"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I th...

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

My dog ate my computer science project

"your dog ate your coding assignment?"


It took him a couple bytes

Great students get A+ on their computer's exam

Genius student get C++

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airpo...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

People say that I always waste my time in front of the computer

Never seen them since

I invested into crypto currencies last year and can't stop checking the computer screen.

It's refreshing.

My daughters have decided to open a computer repair service together!

They’re going to call it “2 Girls 1 CPU”

Why did the tree fall on the computer?

It wanted to log in.

What is a furries favorite computer program?

Winrawr

It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist

Probably because I am fluent in Python

A person invented a new computer and called his friend to check it out...

Person:- this computer can think like a human

Friend :- how?

Person :- whenever it does something wrong, he blames it on other computers.

What do you call it when a lumberjack turns on their computer?

Logging in.

A Computer walks into a bar...

Looking around, it spots an older but rather attractive printer sitting alone in the corner.

The computer approaches the printer and says, "Hey good lookin. What's your font?".

Annoyed, the printer gets up and starts heading for the door, "It appears that it's time for my carriage t...

Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army?

He had troubleshooting.

Theres a new computer that begins swearing whenever it gets too hot

They had to install a heat censor

What will happen to the EU's computers when Brexit happens ?

They'll have an additional 1 **GB** of free space.

Why are old computers so slow?

Because they do things a bit at a time.

Why did the computer got cold?

Because it forgot to close *Windows*

What game was Stalin playing on his computer?

Oursweeper

My computer has erectile dysfunction.

The D doesn’t work.

A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went?

As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"

Don't confuse your Google search with my computer scienc--

-- actually, never mind. It amounts to the same thing.

What do call a Senior Citizen when they use a Computer?

Elder Scrolls

What does a baby computer call its father?

data

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

I hate that clown from IT.

Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.

I just lost my quantum computer!

I checked to see if it was on, and now I don't know where it is...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend said, "Your penis is like a computer."

"Why, because it is so reliable?" I asked

She said, "No, because it is Microsoft."

You know why the British never made a computer?

They couldn't find a way to make it leak oil

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My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it...

She craves anarchy...

Why did the computer take so long to arrive?

It had a hard drive

Son: "Mom! The computer is full of viruses!"

Mom: "Screw the computer! I just won 2 free iPads and a free trip to Paris!"

Why was the computer shy?

Because it had hardware and software but no underware.

What do computer criminals like to eat?

Cheese and Hackers.

(My 7-year old son came up with that one, so go easy :)

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I always have a box of tissues near my computer...

I cum prepared.

What's common between a computer that just crashed and a guy who just had an argument with his wife ?

Both of them proceed in safe mode.

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

My girlfriend and my computer have one thing in common

They are not responding

Russian computer: "Enter password"

Me: "Beef stew"

Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"

Why couldn't the computer take its hat off?

It had CAPS lock on.

What is an astronaut's favorite part of a computer?

The space bar.

How many computer analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb shall never burn out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy was upstairs playing computer games when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

​

"What are you doing?" asks granddad. "You're eighteen years old: you’re wasting your life! When I was eighteen I went to Paris; I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, felt up one of the dancers on stage, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now *that’s* how to have...

I hacked the recipe computers

at the Campbell's Soup Company. Do you want me to post them in their entirety,

Or just the condensed version.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.

Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.

One thing I know is that a computer science major didn't name the original pokemon.

Otherwise, charmander would evolve into stringmander.

How does a plumber get in to his computer?

He remembers his password and taps it in

How do the French turn on their computers?

By pressing Ctrl+Alt+Retreat.

Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers?

Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file.

How do you know a blonde has used your computer?

There is cheese infront of the mouse.

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the computer nerd say to the other during sex?

01010011 01110000 01100101 01100001 01101011 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01100100 01100001 01100100 01100100 01111001 00101110

What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.

Im thinking about studying computer programming next year...

So i can C# in 2020

You know what the biggest computer joke is?

Windows Network Diagnostics

How much storage does a skeleton have in his computer?

One terrorbyte

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts ‘mypenis’ and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asked me what i was doing on the computer last night...

I told her that I was looking at cheap flights.
She said 'I love you', got very excited, quickly undressed and we proceeded to have the best sex we've had in years.
It was all very weird, she's never shown an interest in darts before.

My computer has this disgusting virus that has completed slowed everything down.

It's called "Internet Explorer".

How do you delete important files on your computer permanently?

Update to the Windows 10 October Update

My computer is so old

When I turn it on the malware prompts me to update.

Why do elephants not use computers?

Because they're afraid of mice.

A woman walks into IBM and asks to see their best computer

“Here’s the Watson”, says the salesman, “You can ask it any question and it will give you the right answer.

The woman decides to test it out.

“Where’s my father?” She asks Watson

“You’re father is fishing in the coast of Florida” comes the reply.

The woman laughs and t...

I Wish I Was a Computer

So I could Alt + F4 my life

Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

What did the emo computer say to the other emo computer?

rar XD *uncompresses your files*

My mom said she will smash my head against my keyboard if i dont get off my computer.

Well guess what? Im not going to getododkdjfjjdajndjxixushsbbduxuhha

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I made a computer that understands the meaning of sex, women and everything.

Deep thot

My computer decided to replace all my icons to this weird yellow bubble with headphones...

The Audacity...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

I just got a second hand apple computer and it’s in great condition...

You could say it’s iMaculate.

How do Counter Strike players clean their computers?

They dedust it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Computer Programmer finds a frog by the side of the road...

The frog says, "I am actually a Princess! If you kiss me, I'll revert back to my human form and be forever grateful?", the programmer smiles and puts the frog back in his pocket.

Again, the frog says, "But I really am! I would even marry you if you kiss me and turn me back into a human!", the...

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Husband Fixes His Wife's Computer

After the repairs were completed, he was prompted to set up a new password, so he typed, "mypenis." Then, a warning messaged popped up that said, "ERROR! Not long enough!"

What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file?

"Do you want to save those changes?"

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

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Jesus and Satan had been arguing constantly about who had better computer skills...

They had been yelling and screaming at each other for months.

Finally God grew tired of the arguing and he said, "Let's see who can code the best program in only one hour." He snapped, the world went blank, and there was nothing but two computers and two desks side by side. Satan and Jesus sa...

How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?

The joystick is wet.

Why do computer programmers celebrate Christmas on Halloween?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

What's the difference between a tree and a computer?

A tree is all bark and no bite, while a computer is all byte and no bark!

What’s the difference between a woman and a computer from the 90’s?

The computer will take a 3 1/2” floppy

What do you call a computer file that likes children?

A PDFFile

Why are computers better than girlfriends?

They're the only ones that can accept a 3 inch floppy.

I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.