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Computer Jokes

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
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My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
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How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.
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My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
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The blonde's computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital

So she made it "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany."
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If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

The oldest computer...

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...
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A man calls quantum IT support and complains that his quantum computer isn't working.

Quantum IT support: "Have you tried turning it off and on at the same time?"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...

It says, "I'll be your server today."
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My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

Don't worry guys, i think she's jokinejkodoworkfjcjkskoe394oo2oc2i2fkf2uu3ug25r2u
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What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
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What does the baby computer call it’s father?

Data.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31
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What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
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A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...
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I had a problem with my computer yesterday...

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
...

(A new addition) What's the difference between an American and a computer?

A computer has troubleshooting.

Also,

it can abort.
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Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
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Why do Americans have good computers?

Because they have no troubleshooting.
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My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”
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My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd
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Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...
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I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*
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Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...
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What is OJ Simpson's computer password?

Slash Slash back-Slash escape.
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Where do pirates store their computer data?

In an ARRay.
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Why can't you use beef stew as a password on your computer?

It's not stroganoff
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How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?

By checking how they pronounce the word “bios”
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How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer?

Dos
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Computer

They say that the new super computer knows everything.

A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with Your father is fishing in Michigan.

The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I k...
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Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to ...
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A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...
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Difference between computers and woman

Unlike computers a woman will reject a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
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What do you call a singing desktop computer?

A Dell.
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Why is the computer keyboard working so hard?

Because it has two shifts!
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What do women and modern computers have in common?

Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy
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What's a computers worst memory??

Terrorbytes!
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How do you make a computer keyboard sad?

You make the key "D" pressed
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What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.
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A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's ...
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How do computers get drunk??

You know... they just take SCREENSHOTS
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A computer science student...

...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. “You can’t see that, it’s private!”
The second student protested, “But we’re in the same class”
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A computer programmer goes to buy some bread.

On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".

He never returned.
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Why is Voldemort so good with computers?

He's fluent in Python
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I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.
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A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car

The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let'...
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I burned my finger on my computer processor.

It MHz.
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The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary

He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

...
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How did the computer hacker escape the police?

He just ransomeware....
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Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....
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computers vs humans?

The best joke on mankind is that computers ask humans to prove they are not robots...
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The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ...
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What do you call a vampire with a bachelors in Computer Science

cout << "Dracula";
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A computer is a lot like an air conditioner

It becomes a lot less efficient as soon as you open Windows.
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A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...
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Breaking news: Yevgeny Prigozhin of the Wagner Group has installed Linux on his computer.

He's trying to stay away from Windows.
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Having touble getting into my computer...

Enter Password: "FootLoose"
...

Wrong, Try again: "DangerZone"
...

Wrong, you are locked out! You are only allowed 2 incorrect Loggins.
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- Hi, my name is computer.

- Hi, Im virus! Where are you from?

- Im from USA. And you?

- Im from USB!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill complained to his friend that his elbow hurt, so his friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.

He said ''Just insert a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he inserted the sam...

A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,

"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,

"Because they had eggs."
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My computer program won’t run

Did I need to install legs or something?
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Things you can say about your computer but not your partner

I'll start,
It takes me three tries to plug in my stick
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I recently entered a computer coding competition.

I took home the gold with 0th place!
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A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte
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Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.
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Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?

I've never turned a woman on before.
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Why was the computer cold?

Because it left its Windows open!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best Computer Science Joke!

A man and woman are in a computer programming lecture. The man touches the woman's breasts.
"Hey!" she says. "Those are private!"
The man says, "But we're in the same class!"

What do computers like to eat?

Microchips
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My girlfriend said, "Your penis is like a computer."

"Why, because it is so reliable?" I asked

She said, "No, because it is Microsoft."

My computer was broken

I tried slamming it against the wall.

It crashed.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of women are computer programmers attracted to?

BASIC bitches, obviously..

Swedish Computer Terms



|Term|Definition|
|:-|:-|
|Log On:|Makin' da vood stove hotter!!|
|Log Off:|Don't add no more vood!!|
|Monitor:|Keepin' an eye on da vood!!|
|Download:|Gettin' da vood off da truck!!|
|Mega Hertz:|Ven yer not careful gettin' da firevood!!|
|Floppy Disc:|Vat yew get from ...
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Why is it safest to hire female sheep as computer programmers?

They always have multiple baaa-cups.



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If you touch your computer in all the right places...

You can turn it on
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I was hungry so I went to the computer store

I heard you could get a megabyte
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I feel so cold using the computer.

Because I opened too many windows.
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What's a computer's favorite pop star?

A Dell
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What is Forest Gump's password for his computer?

1Forest1
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Why do computers hate going to their file storage?

Because it's a hard drive.
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My computer crashed at work

Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
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A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer are riding in a car.

The car brakes down and coast to the side of the road.

"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."

"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I th...
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She said "You pay more attention to that bloody computer than you do to me!"

I said "Well, yes. The computer goes down on me every once in a while."
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A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband said, "Put MYPENIS."

The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...

"Error. Not long enough."

I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster
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Two computers walk into a bar. The first computer says “1110001010011011.” The second computer replies “2”.

The first computer says, “Oh, so you’re non-binary?”
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How does batman schedule a task on his computer?

With a .bat script
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Yesterday my computer beat me in a chess game.

It’s still no match for me at kickboxing though.
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How does a computer respond to a good joke?

101
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What did the duck say when he broke the quantum computer?

Quark
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How did the analog computer come out to their parents?

"Mom, Dad, I'm non-binary."
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Why did the computer go to a cyber cafe?

Because it needed a byte to eat.
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How did computers run before Microsoft?

Well.
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Where did the computer mouse go to get a drink?

The spacebar

And you know I’ve been to a couple spacebars before, they’re all exactly the same. Great food, no atmosphere.
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What are Russian computers best for?

ComPutin.
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“I've created a new computer that is almost human."

"You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?"

"No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer."
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A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets ...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is your ass a computer?

Because I want to back it up to a 3 inch floppy.

My computer mouse is female!

It's an optical mouse. It doesn't have balls...
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There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science

0: Naming things
1: Cache invalidation
2: Off by one errors
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How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.
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What do computers and pooping have in common?

They both end when you logout.

A computer scientist was once offered the opportunity to feed a shark.

He turned it down, because he did not want to RISC losing his ARM.
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My Math teacher told me 0! = 1

But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
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What kind of computer problems do octopuses(octopi) have?

Tentacle difficulties.
7 Y.O. Daughter and I just made this up together. I realize it might already exist out there in this big world, but we just had to share.
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A friend told me that Asians are the best at computer games because they use two keyboards instead of one.

But that's just stereo typing.
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So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.
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My computer keeps screaming at me that it's run out of memory

But it's all bark and no byte
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A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa

They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We ...
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What do you call an unconscious computer programmer?

dfghjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
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What did the computer say to the group of numbers?

I'll Calc You Later
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the crappy computer put in more high maintenance prison cells than the good computer

The crappy computer was harder to keep tabs on

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