UPJOKE
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My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

At the office, I am known as "The Computer".

Not because I am smart. But if you leave me unattended for 30 minutes, I go to sleep.

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

The blonde's computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital

So she made it "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany."

A computer programmer goes to buy some bread.

On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".

He never returned.

How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?

By checking how they pronounce the word “bios”

What language is most commonly used during computer programming?

Foul Language!!!

What do computers like to eat?

Microchips

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots

I got invited to test a new car made entirely of spare computer parts

It was a hard drive

Computer

They say that the new super computer knows everything.

A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with Your father is fishing in Michigan.

The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I k...

What is Forest Gump's password for his computer?

1Forest1

(A new addition) What's the difference between an American and a computer?

A computer has troubleshooting.

Also,

it can abort.

My Boss calls me ‘the computer’

Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Abraham asked Issac to upgrade his home computer

Issac reviewed the system and stated "Forgive me, Father but the system just doesn't seem to have enough memory."

and Abraham said "My son, God will provide the RAM."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

My computer program won’t run

Did I need to install legs or something?

computers vs humans?

The best joke on mankind is that computers ask humans to prove they are not robots...

What do you call an astronauts favourite part in the computer

>!SPACE BAR !<

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...

It says, "I'll be your server today."

My computer crashed at work

Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.

Why did the computer freeze?

Because somebody left Windows open.

What did the gunslinger say when their computer wasn’t working?

“Looks like I need to do some Troubleshooting”

What do you call 12th century guitar music transcribed into a computer format?

Midieval.

I've just bought one of those new singing computers.

It's a Dell.

My girlfriend told me if I don’t get off the computer she’s gonna smash my head against the keyboard

I’m sure I’ll be fine thoughjikshksheijs dhsjsuuwndjc

Why did Spider-Man buy a computer?

So he can create his own websites

Me: Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: The commute was fine. It’s my laptop.

"My new computer won't start." - "You fogot to insert them RAM...

....thats Crucial."

>!Its an hardware brand. I'm sorry.!<
>!EDIT: Can't even write titles correctly.
!<

Why did the Proud Boys beat up the quantum computer?

Because it's non-binary.

PS Someone else has probably already thought of this but hey, I thought I'd post it anyway.

what do you call a computer in the clouds?

high tech

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

On a train to a large computer convention, there were 3 software engineers and 3 managers...

Each of the managers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The managers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said, “Here comes the conductor,” all of the en...

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Where are pictures of boobs stored in computers?

Random access mammary!

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

Why was the sheep farmer confused when IT came to fix his computer?

He kept telling him he had bad RAM.

Trying to change my password to “MyPulloutGame” but the computer says its too weak.

All 7 of my children: “why are you crying dad?”

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

How did the computer hacker escape the police?

He just ransomeware....

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A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband said, "Put MYPENIS."

The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...

"Error. Not long enough."

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

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at the library

Guy asks the librarian, "Do you have that new book on small penises?"


She checks the computer, "I don't think it's in yet."


"That's the one!!"

What did the computer want to name its baby?

If it's a boy, Dell. If it's a girl, Adele.

Not looking forward to one day having to buy a Quantum Laptop Computer...

I *still* haven't even finished paying the last bill from my Quantum Mechanic!

Why can't computers drive cars?

Because they keep crashing

what blood type are computers?

Typo

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

What is OJ Simpson's computer password?

Slash Slash back-Slash escape.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise! Surprise!
It was an apple.
But with extremely limited memory.
Just 1 byte.
Then everything crashed.

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Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

What do you call a man whos attracted to young computers?

A PDFile

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn .

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Last winter I was at work...

Last winter I was at work and my wife text me saying "Windows frozen". I sent one back saying "Pour lukewarm water on it". A few minutes later she text back saying "The computer's completely fucked now."

Why was the pdf afraid of the folder?

It had a .rar file in it.

I know it's horrible, but I came up with it when I was twelve.

My parents nearly took my computer away.

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What’s the similarity between boobs and Raspberry Pi computers?

Both were intended for kids but it’s the adults that end up playing with them more

What do you call a dating app for computers?

Love at First Site

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake?

Now he's programming in python.

Please help, I think someone is able to control my computer and type instead of me.

Actually you know what, I don't think that, that's absurd, nevermind.

What do you call it when Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon band together to fix a computer?

The Greek Squad

My computer password in Incorrect

That way, if I type in a different password, it reminds me ‘Your password is incorrect’

And then I remember

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

What's the difference between learning vowels and learning computer science?

When learning vowels, it's only sometimes "why?"

I need to get a new friend

I’ve been trying to develop a website on my laptop but needed help as I only know basic coding. I asked my friend, a computer programmer, for advice and he told me to get Python

After about a week, the snake arrived. It then proceeded to wrap itself around the computer now it doesn’t work at ...

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

What do Hutts use to program computers?

Jabbascript

What did the drunk computer say to the bartender?

Put it on the tab

How do you make a computer keyboard sad?

You make the key "D" pressed

My dad’s palaeontology files are filling up the family computer

They’re hundreds of trilobites

What do computer programmers do after work?

They go out and grab a byte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?

Shift + T



^(\[OC?\])

Why is the computer keyboard working so hard?

Because it has two shifts!

What do you get when you cross a pit-bull with a computer?

Not sure.....but, when it megabytes, it megahertz.

Our computers went down at work today ...

... so we had to do everything manually.

It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

What's the difference between women and computers?

Women don't accept 3 and a half inch floppies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the crappy computer put in more high maintenance prison cells than the good computer

The crappy computer was harder to keep tabs on

Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope?

Video killed the radio star.

I'm a renowned computer science professor, but that doesn't carry much weight with my mother.

After I got my PhD, she introduced me to friends by saying, *“This is my daughter. She's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”*

Bill Gates is hanging out with GM's Chairman...

Gates is in a taunting mood. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds a...

Mitzi came back from a weekend at her grandparents' house and told her mom she's never staying there again. "They just sat around the whole weekend and had nothing on!"



"Nothing on!," her mother cried out in horror.



"Yes," said Mitzi, "no TV, no computer, no Xbox..."

My Computer Beat Me At Chess Today

It was no match for me at kickboxing though.

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

With all the increases in computer processing and storage...

You would think Microsoft would have released ExExcel by now.

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

How can you tell if a computer scientist is an extrovert?

They stare at your shoes instead of staring at their own

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

Scientists have created the world’s smallest battery, which is the size of a grain of dust but capable of powering a computer

Its design is based on a swiss roll, meaning the creators hope it'll become more popular once they work out how to make a chocolate version.

I was going to tell a joke about computers

But it wasn't very PC.

Tech support! My computer fell off my desk!

That's not how you back it up.

My computer gave birth today

Now I need to buy a baby monitor

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

What brand of RAM do you buy if you want your computer to go faster?

Dodge.

Two computers walk into a bar. The first computer says “1110001010011011.” The second computer replies “2”.

The first computer says, “Oh, so you’re non-binary?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a computer's favorite sex position?

1000101

I think my computer has become woke

It’s just come out as non binary

What did the tech geek say when he tripped over his computer wire?

Ow that megahertz!

Where is the computer worm?

Idk, it ran-som-ware

My computer died after getting a virus.

It was a terminal illness.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What keyboard shortcut turns your computer into a piece of shit?

*Alt + Right*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has a lot of dick pics on her old computer

She has a hard disk drive

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

What you call when you delete Microsoft Edge browser from your computer?

Cutting Edge technology!

What’s the difference between Americans and computers?

Americans don’t have trouble shooting

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