The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

How do computers form intimate relations?

They insert the floppy into the disc drive.

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.

My son asked me what incognito mode was on his computer.

"I don't want you to know," I replied.

How do you scare a computer at Halloween?

With a Terror Bite

When I’ve had a long day at work, I like to come home, get on my computer, and press F5.

It’s refreshing.

How do you start a jam session on an Apple computer?

Iphone,

iphtwo,

iphone, iphtwo, iphthree...

Why did the computer go to sleep?

It was key-bored!

(An original joke from my 5 year old nephew, a budding comedic genius with impeccable timing!)

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

Why do gaming computers become unstable?

They suffer a mid-life Crysis

What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?

A used car salesman knows when he's lying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer doesn't laugh at a 3.5" floppy.

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots.

I know how to stop people from secretly getting into your computer.

[removed by FBI]

A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte

My girlfriend said she was staring at her computer screen not knowing what to write.

I told her she must be literary exhausted.

[This actually happened. I laughed for 20 minutes :(. ]

This young generation with their computers and internet are so self absorbed.

It's all meme, meme, meme..

What do you call a computer that sings?



Adele

Women are like computers.

They won't take my 3.5 inch floppy.

How do you get pregnant from a computer?

You get Raspberry cream m pi-d

I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room

He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"

Smash your head into a computer keyboard and see what comes up.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Why do cats like to step on computer keyboards?

jfjkl;fdasljki;l nkfskllkteqjpteqjwtjokkkkkkkllllll..

How does a computer learn things?

Bit by bit

(Apologies for dad-ness and possible repost)

So the genius kid in my computer class got an F on a test. It was only 15 question.

Good thing is was a test on hex

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike.

The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”


The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.”


The first student responds, “Good choice! Her c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

Did you hear about the computer that was thrown into the ocean?

It was a Dell rolling in the deep.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Came up with a bad joke: What is a drunk alien’s favorite computer key?

The space bar

Hey Google, what's a computer's favorite beat?

Algo-rhythm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

Why do computer soldiers fight

For the motherboard

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm!

How many computer scientists does it take to change a lightbulb

0 to 1

How does the computer programmer potty train his son?

Ctrl+P

My 12 year old just told me this one: What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

My computer just crashed

I think it’s due to a bad driver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

Help! I made my computer racist!

I accidentally pressed alt-right.

Why did the British never get into the computer business?

They couldn’t figure out how to make a computer leak oil.

Where did the computer hackers go?

I don't know, they ransomware.

What did one broken computer say to the other?

Error 404: response not found.

Most girls are like modern computers

They won’t accept my 3 1/2” floppy

What does a tree do after it finishes using it’s computer?

It logs off

How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

An introverted computer scientist looks at their own shoes when they talk to you

An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when they talk to you.

Heard it while watching AlphaGo.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

I met this computer scientist chick. Really ugly.

She was like a 10.

What file system do Weight Watchers' computers use?

exFAT

Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three.

And promptly received a one-world answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?"

Instantly the machine replied "Yes, sir!"

Why was the computer late to work?

Because it had a hard drive.

You hear about the latest computer that the Army’s using?

Well, this general puts in a question. The question is this: ‘Will there be peace or war in our time?’



The wheels whir. The lights flash. The machine grinds out the answer: *Yes.*



The general is upset. He feeds back the question: "Yes, what?"



The answer c...

Apple are making more money than me selling phones and computers.

It's time to make a stand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Why do doctor’s all use windows computers?

Every time they get near an apple it keeps them away.

What do computers eat for snacks?

Micro-chips


(Discovered on a Firecracker Popsicle stick)

I lost a cable for my new computer and now i can't finish it.

it was a Sata-casion

I don't like computer science jokes...

Not one bit.

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

What's the biggest pain about slow computers?

The megahertz

What's a computer's favourite food?

A big mac

Why was the computer so full?

Because he already had a megabyte!

She said "You pay more attention to that damned computer than you do to me!"

I said, "Well, the computer goes down on me now and then".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a problem with my computer yesterday.

I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I did...

Antivaxxers' health problems are kind of like computer problems.

They try a load of random things and hope that it works.

Why did the author include a page with a computer generated grid in his book?

Because he auto graphed it.

What does the computer programmer call a car with a flat tire?

Floppy drive.

I keep pressing the space bar on my computer

But for some reason I am still on Earth.

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the computer need to take viagra?

It had a floppy disk.

My computer was broken

I tried slamming it against the wall.

It crashed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't get Mirror's Edge to work on my computer and it's pissing me off.

My friend told me the game runs on windows.

If R. Kelly was a computer file...

He'd be a .pdf file

My computers a lot like the Chargers

They both only have two fans.

I asked my computer technician friend, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “Just tell her about my job.”

a computer that knows everything

in Silicon Valley, there was an exhibition of a new generation Artificial Intelligence computer, which was supposed to know everything: a man and his son went to the exhibition.
"I will hide in the next room," said the man, "and you will ask the computer where am I."
So the man hides and t...

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

Working on the computer is like driving a submarine.

Once you open windows, the problems begin.

Russian computer: Please enter password

Me: Beef_stew
Russian computer: Password not stroganoff

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

What do you get when you ask a furry to build a computer?

LenOWO, with WinRAWR pre-installed.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.

How did she find out the password to my computer?

What do you call a computer that smokes pot?

High-tech.

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

Did you hear about the new computer Operating System called "Than" that selectively terminates half of all running programs?

We really needed "ThanOS" and it probably did nothing wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't computers be gay?

They're all binary

What is a computer's least favorite food?

Spam

Imagine getting jumped by a bunch of computer engineers and you hear them say

Imagine getting jumped by a bunch of computer engineers and you hear them say : "
01010011 01110100 01101001 01100011 01101011 00100000 01100001 00100000 01010101 01010011 01000010 00100000 01110101 01110000 00100000 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110011 01110011 "

My computer broke and I gave it to the IT guy.

It’s been several days and I haven’t gotten out of the sewer.

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

There once was a job application form

There once was a job application form that said: “help wanted! Looking for people that are bilingual, able to make a computer program and able to make a robot!”, which a street dog was staring at, and it entered the building. The dog then enters the interviewing room and sits on the chair. The inter...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer are riding in a car.

The car brakes down and coast to the side of the road.

"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."

"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I th...

Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army?

He had troubleshooting.

My daughters have decided to open a computer repair service together!

They’re going to call it “2 Girls 1 CPU”

What do call a Senior Citizen when they use a Computer?

Elder Scrolls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

I have been taking an IT course for the past year.

I’ve learned a lot about computers, but I’m starting to wonder when they’ll get to the damn clown.

Why are old computers so slow?

Because they do things a bit at a time.

I used to rule the world.

I was 7-time champion in chess championships, won count less awards in racing world, led armies of millions. But then my son broke the computer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*emailing dick pic

Computer: Insert file

Me: ok *browse the file

Computer: Try again

Me: *did it again

Computer: Try again

Me: *tries again

Computer: Harder!

Me: what?

Computer: what

Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes

A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went?

As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"

A person invented a new computer and called his friend to check it out...

Person:- this computer can think like a human

Friend :- how?

Person :- whenever it does something wrong, he blames it on other computers.

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