The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer doesn't laugh at a 3.5" floppy.

What do you call a computer that sings?



Adele

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room

He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

Women are like computers.

They won't take my 3.5 inch floppy.

How many computer scientists does it take to change a lightbulb

0 to 1

What does a circus performer use to read computer documents?

Adobe Acrobat.

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm!

How does a computer learn things?

Bit by bit

(Apologies for dad-ness and possible repost)

Came up with a bad joke: What is a drunk alien’s favorite computer key?

The space bar

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When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

Did you hear about the computer that was thrown into the ocean?

It was a Dell rolling in the deep.

Why do cats like to step on computer keyboards?

jfjkl;fdasljki;l nkfskllkteqjpteqjwtjokkkkkkkllllll..

Smash your head into a computer keyboard and see what comes up.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Hey Google, what's a computer's favorite beat?

Algo-rhythm

How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

An introverted computer scientist looks at their own shoes when they talk to you

An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when they talk to you.

Heard it while watching AlphaGo.

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike.

The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”


The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.”


The first student responds, “Good choice! Her c...

My 12 year old just told me this one: What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

Why do computer soldiers fight

For the motherboard

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Why did the British never get into the computer business?

They couldn’t figure out how to make a computer leak oil.

What did one broken computer say to the other?

Error 404: response not found.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

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Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

One time in the computer lab at my school, next to one of the computers, a mouse started acting up.

So one if my classmates noticed it and said "Oh, there's no batteries in it". So he found two batteries that didn't fit in the mouse *at all* and jammed them in anyway.

Needless to say, we weren't allowed to have any more class pets after that.

I met this computer scientist chick. Really ugly.

She was like a 10.

What file system do Weight Watchers' computers use?

exFAT

Where did the computer hackers go?

I don't know, they ransomware.

Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three.

And promptly received a one-world answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?"

Instantly the machine replied "Yes, sir!"

What does a tree do after it finishes using it’s computer?

It logs off

Most girls are like modern computers

They won’t accept my 3 1/2” floppy

Help! I made my computer racist!

I accidentally pressed alt-right.

Apple are making more money than me selling phones and computers.

It's time to make a stand.

You hear about the latest computer that the Army’s using?

Well, this general puts in a question. The question is this: ‘Will there be peace or war in our time?’



The wheels whir. The lights flash. The machine grinds out the answer: *Yes.*



The general is upset. He feeds back the question: "Yes, what?"



The answer c...

My computer just crashed

I think it’s due to a bad driver.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

I lost a cable for my new computer and now i can't finish it.

it was a Sata-casion

What's the biggest pain about slow computers?

The megahertz

What do computers eat for snacks?

Micro-chips


(Discovered on a Firecracker Popsicle stick)

Why was the computer so full?

Because he already had a megabyte!

I don't like computer science jokes...

Not one bit.

What's a computer's favourite food?

A big mac

She said "You pay more attention to that damned computer than you do to me!"

I said, "Well, the computer goes down on me now and then".

I keep pressing the space bar on my computer

But for some reason I am still on Earth.

Why was the computer late to work?

Because it had a hard drive.

Why did the author include a page with a computer generated grid in his book?

Because he auto graphed it.

Why do doctor’s all use windows computers?

Every time they get near an apple it keeps them away.

Antivaxxers' health problems are kind of like computer problems.

They try a load of random things and hope that it works.

What does the computer programmer call a car with a flat tire?

Floppy drive.

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday.

I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I did...

a computer that knows everything

in Silicon Valley, there was an exhibition of a new generation Artificial Intelligence computer, which was supposed to know everything: a man and his son went to the exhibition.
"I will hide in the next room," said the man, "and you will ask the computer where am I."
So the man hides and t...

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Why did the computer need to take viagra?

It had a floppy disk.

My computer was broken

I tried slamming it against the wall.

It crashed.

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I can't get Mirror's Edge to work on my computer and it's pissing me off.

My friend told me the game runs on windows.

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most important website for every computer geek for all his problems?

Pornhub.

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screen shots.

My computers a lot like the Chargers

They both only have two fans.

Russian computer: Please enter password

Me: Beef_stew
Russian computer: Password not stroganoff

If R. Kelly was a computer file...

He'd be a .pdf file

Working on the computer is like driving a submarine.

Once you open windows, the problems begin.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.

How did she find out the password to my computer?

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airpo...

I asked my computer technician friend, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “Just tell her about my job.”

What do you get when you ask a furry to build a computer?

LenOWO, with WinRAWR pre-installed.

What do you call a computer that smokes pot?

High-tech.

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Why can't computers be gay?

They're all binary

What is a computer's least favorite food?

Spam

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

My computer broke and I gave it to the IT guy.

It’s been several days and I haven’t gotten out of the sewer.

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer are riding in a car.

The car brakes down and coast to the side of the road.

"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."

"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I th...

Did you hear about the new computer Operating System called "Than" that selectively terminates half of all running programs?

We really needed "ThanOS" and it probably did nothing wrong.

Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army?

He had troubleshooting.

Imagine getting jumped by a bunch of computer engineers and you hear them say

Imagine getting jumped by a bunch of computer engineers and you hear them say : "
01010011 01110100 01101001 01100011 01101011 00100000 01100001 00100000 01010101 01010011 01000010 00100000 01110101 01110000 00100000 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110011 01110011 "

My daughters have decided to open a computer repair service together!

They’re going to call it “2 Girls 1 CPU”

I hate that clown from IT.

Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.

My dog ate my computer science project

"your dog ate your coding assignment?"


It took him a couple bytes

A Computer walks into a bar...

Looking around, it spots an older but rather attractive printer sitting alone in the corner.

The computer approaches the printer and says, "Hey good lookin. What's your font?".

Annoyed, the printer gets up and starts heading for the door, "It appears that it's time for my carriage t...

What do call a Senior Citizen when they use a Computer?

Elder Scrolls

Why are old computers so slow?

Because they do things a bit at a time.

People say that I always waste my time in front of the computer

Never seen them since

Great students get A+ on their computer's exam

Genius student get C++

A person invented a new computer and called his friend to check it out...

Person:- this computer can think like a human

Friend :- how?

Person :- whenever it does something wrong, he blames it on other computers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it...

She craves anarchy...

A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went?

As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"

It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist

Probably because I am fluent in Python

What is a furries favorite computer program?

Winrawr

My girlfriend and my computer have one thing in common

They are not responding

Why did the computer got cold?

Because it forgot to close *Windows*

What game was Stalin playing on his computer?

Oursweeper

Why did the tree fall on the computer?

It wanted to log in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said, "Your penis is like a computer."

"Why, because it is so reliable?" I asked

She said, "No, because it is Microsoft."

What do you call it when a lumberjack turns on their computer?

Logging in.

What will happen to the EU's computers when Brexit happens ?

They'll have an additional 1 **GB** of free space.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.

Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always have a box of tissues near my computer...

I cum prepared.

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A boy was upstairs playing computer games when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.



"What are you doing?" asks granddad. "You're eighteen years old: you’re wasting your life! When I was eighteen I went to Paris; I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, felt up one of the dancers on stage, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now *that’s* how to have a good time...

Don't confuse your Google search with my computer scienc--

-- actually, never mind. It amounts to the same thing.

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