My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.

Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.

It is not stroganoff.

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game.



I think it is just too weak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick,

but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

What’s the difference between a woman and a computer?

Computers don’t laugh at 3.5″ floppies.

What do you call a computer that sings?

Adell

What do you call a computer teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the FBI seize the cat’s computer?

It was full of kitty porn

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

How do you desolder all the components in a Dell computer?

You turn it on, and wait 30 minutes.

The best computers are made in America

They have virtually no troubleshooting.

Why are people who use the metric system so good at computer science?

Because they are pro-grammers.

My doctor told me I injured my eye by staring at my computer screen for too long.

I guess I have a terminal disease.

My Mom’s sister got Coronavirus so I bought her a new computer.

The warranty said it came with free “Aunty-virus” protection software.

An executive of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispering, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked," Is your daddy home?"

"Yes." whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult...

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?

The task manager

My office computer is so old...

When it started running slow, instead of more RAM, the IT guy installed more beads.

A tree needed to get off its computer

So it decided to log off

Did you know that the original computer also had a fatherboard?

But one day he said he was going out for a extra stick of ram and never came back.

My computer was arguing with me

Luckily, my next move shut it down.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

I hate when I turn on my computer at work

And it says loading your personal settings.

I'm like "Woah, this is strictly a professional relationship".

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

Why can't elephansts use computers

Because they are scared of the mouse

Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you start opening windows.

An computer inventor starts talking to his friend.

“I’ve almost made a human-like robot!” He says.
“You mean it can think?” His friend replies.
“No, but when it fails, it puts the blame on the back of another computer.”

I was coughing and started to feel like I had a fever. I typed in my symptoms into the computer.

It said I have “Network Connectivity Problems”

How do you reboot a Computer?

By calling a Cobbler.



\*I tried posting in r/DadJokes but didn't have the Karma req..

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

I was out on the ocean the other day and these guys boarded my vessel and stole all of the currency I’d saved on a computer game I was playing.

They were Simoleon pirates.

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the different between Paul Walker and my computer?

When my computer crashes I actually give a fuck

A French computer scientist has come up with a quick way of transferring files electronically.

It’s called a Pierre to Pierre network.

I think it is time to reconsider calling people 'Karen'. It is rude...

We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen.



Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager.



\*sorry\*

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

I recently entered a computer coding competition.

I took home the gold with 0th place!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

What kind of music do Computer Scientst listen to ?

Algorhythm

Why did the spider crawl to a computer?

To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

What happens if you drop a computer on your feet?

It hertz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Hitler wrote a computer manual what would he name it?

Mien Kampfputer

(OC)

A computer walks into a bar

All of his friends goes: “Where have you been, we have waited half an hour”
The computer replies: “Sorry it was a hard drive”

My new computer won't stop singing.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten Adelle.

Why do computer scientists make bad patients?

Because they're always coding!

Have you heard about this new computer attack on people who just bought cars?

It's all over the news - the New Car Owner Virus.

On New Year's Eve back in 1999, a friend bet me a couple grand that computers were going to stop working

"Why $2k?" I asked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

My computer said hello when I turned it on.

I figured it must be a Dell

What did the computer student say to the language student after he made a mistake?

You made a programmar error

I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn’t work

We're in big trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children young...

Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology

Especially the RAM part.

How can u tell a computer scientist is an introvert or an extrovert?

The extrovert looks at your shoes while having conversation while the introvert looks at his own shoe.

What kind of computer does I.C.E. use to track down illegals?

Alienware.

Why did it take the computer so long to get here?

It had a solid state drive!

(My wife came up with this just now.)

Why did the waiter's computer system not work?

Because of a server error.

So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

Life before the computer:



Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse p...

You’re trapped in a room with unbreakable walls and no doors or windows. All you have is a computer. How do you get out?

Press the escape key.

Someone once gave away multiple computers

Sadly I wasn’t able to windows

What is Santa's favorite computer task?

Clearing cookies!

Your annual reminder that computer programmers cannot tell Christmas from Halloween

because DEC(25) = OCT(31)

What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?

The space bar.

What did the hacker do when he saw the store computer unattended?

He went straight for the Cache Register

I've been trying to learn more about how computers work

Every little bit counts

Do you know the difference between americans and computers?

americans don't have trouble-shooting

Don't worry about your smartphone or computer spying on you...

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Tech support! Tech support! I pushed my computer, and now it's broken!

That's not how you back it up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my hard drive "dat ass,"

so once a month my computer asks if I want to "back dat ass up."

Your duck is dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Just Gave My Computer Viagra

It went from having a floppy disk to having a hard drive.

What's the difference between a computer science student and a brick?

The brick gets laid

Why did the computer hate women?

Because there was an Incel inside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.


He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tryed to change my computer password to "mycock".

Computer said it was too small...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "MyPenis".

The wife fell on the ground laughing as it said on the screen "Error. Not long enough."

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots.

I think my deaf friend wants to update her computer. But her sign language interpreter is giving me mixed signals.

I think she needs a better processor.

The Apple Store in my city was looted and thieves took off with $100K worth of products.

Police make no arrests and say they were were able to recover both computers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a library...

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a computer and sex?

In computer, software goes into the hardware but in sex, hardware goes into the software.

How do computers form intimate relations?

They insert the floppy into the disc drive.

How do you scare a computer at Halloween?

With a Terror Bite

Women are like computers.

They won't take my 3.5 inch floppy.

engineers

4 engineers are traveling down a road when suddenly the car comes to a stop

The electrical engineer says "the battery died"

The chemical engineer says "we ran out of fuel"

The civil engineer says "the road shredded the tires"

The computer engineer says "why don't we get o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

Why does the arrow on the computer screen use profanity a lot?

Because it was a cursor.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.