What is the difference between my girlfriend and my computer?

I can turn my computer on.

Lumberjacks are bad at fixing computers

They only know how to log out.

My computer beat me at chess.

But I beat it at kick boxing.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam & Eve.

It was an apple with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte & then everything crashed.

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

What does a baby computer call its father?

Data.

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

A physicist asks his friend “want to test out my new quantum computer?”

Friend agrees, sits down and quite impressed says “oh wow, would you look at that”

Physicist: “Great... I guess I need to get a new one”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

Don't worry guys, i think she's jokinejkodoworkfjcjkskoe394oo2oc2i2fkf2uu3ug25r2u

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot couldn't determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to t...

How did the young computer geek refer to his AI-based girlfriend?

His "Databae"

I forgot to save my new book, “1000 Ways to Cure an Itch” before my computer died.

Guess I’m starting again from scratch.

Computer problems

I had a close friend who was tragically killed by an axe murderer. Strangely, I recently received a friend request from him on Facebook... I think he’s been hacked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I showed my grandfather some BDSM porn on his new computer. He said, "I just don't understand you young whippersnappers."

I think he meant: "snapper whippers."

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

What's the difference between a computer and a cop?

One has troubleshooting

What is the most commonly used computer programming language?

Profanity.

Al Gore and a computer scientist started a band.

The Al Gore Rhythms

What’s the difference between an American and a computer?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

What kind of computer virus attacks kids

A PDF file

A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car

The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the bathroom at a computer convention

Someone from Microsoft comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel, wipes his hands, takes another towel, wipes his hands more and repeats it another time, commenting "At Microsoft, we are very thorough".

Someone from Intel comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel and w...

A man born without legs just became the first to undergo a 24-hour procedure to transfer his consciousness into a computer

Overnight he went from just somebody to nobody.

Why was Harry Potter such a good computer programmer?

Because he spoke python.

Haha
Haha

My grandpa isn't very computer savvy

So my Grandpa (72) got on the internet only recently and is still very unsure about how to use it. A month or so ago I taught him how to use email, to his amazement.
I also showed him how web browsing works and showed him how to put questions into Google search.
Yesterday he was planning t...

On the train to a computer convention

Three developers from Red Hat and three from Microsoft use the train to get to a convention. The three devs from MS buy a ticket each, the three devs from RH buy only a single ticket together. The devs from MS sit down in the same cabin to see how they get thrown out.

As the conductor comes,...

I am rebranding computers' energy saving mode

It's a power nap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

What do you call a competition for computers?

A ChampionChip

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.

Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.

Why was the Computer Late for Work?

He had a HARD DRIVE.

I was drinking beer at the computer and spilled a whole can on my keyboard..

RIP.
We had some good times..

Good thing I had another one in the fridge.

What happens if someone throws a computer at you?

It mega hurts...

I'll leave now sorry

How difficult would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York?

It would be a hard drive.

My computer and air conditioner have something in common.

They both lose efficiency whenever i open the Windows.

Me: Sorry for being late, I was having some computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my laptop.

A little computer humor

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

In 500 years when computers become sentient ai beings...

Would they be considered nonbinary?

Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.

It is not stroganoff.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?

A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".

Why were older computers heavier?

Because they used a FAT file system!

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

What are Russian computers best for?

ComPutin.

Sharing for my 70 yr old mother. Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

How do you make a computer say ‘5’?

You’ll figure it out. It’s Programming Binary 101.

Italian Computer Repair shop

Everytime I try to use Microsoft's search engine on my Italian laptop, the computer explodes. I took it to my Italian Computer repair store. The Italian repairman said "What seems to be the problem? Please keep it brief" so I said "Bad-a-Bing, Bad-a-boom!"

When Orion set up his new computer, he had to add a password

He wanted to put "my belt" but it would always show up as ***

What message does a quantum computer have when you view an image?

"Do you want to save changes?"

How does a computer learn something new ?

Bit by bit

A theological one for the computer scientists

After the animals exited the ark, the Lord came to the animals and the Lord spoke "Go forth and multiply".

The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, we cannot fulfil the commandment, for we are adders"

Thus spoke the Lord "Go and cut down the trees, and out of the trees you shall fashi...

My girlfriend asked if she was more important than my computer

I told her she is always number one

But I always start counting at zero

A computer got bitten by a mosquito

Its got mal-waria

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

Recently my friend passed away, and we saved his brain onto a massive computer

Rest in PC

What do they call the line of code in the computer program that tracks global warming trends?

The Al-Gore-ithm

My ex girlfriend was like a faulty computer

I could turn her off. The hard part was turning her on again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

How do you call a Chinese cow thats connected to a computer network?

Moolan.

I lost my computer RAM.

I guess I will have to take a trip down memory lane to buy a new one.

My dad helped me fix my computer today

He told me the error code was “One D Ten T”. I didn’t understand what he meant until he told me to write it out.

Still don’t get it tho.

Why does my computer only have a motherboard?

Because my fatherboard left to get milk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick,

but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

What is the difference between a woman and a computer?

Women don't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

What do you call a computer weapon?

A battering *RAM*

All of the cows on the farm networked all of their computers so they could stream the latest Disney film

They set up a moo LAN.

What is an Astronaut's favourite part of a computer

The space bar

Why can't elephants use computers?

Because they are scared of the mouse

I tried to my make my work computer password “beefstew”.

But the IT guy said it wasn’t stroganoff.

A friend of mine made a funny joke about computers.

but it wasn't funny. Not one bit.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

Where on a computer do you store the results if COVID-19 tests?

In the swab file.

(NSFW) A redneck bought a computer and he was trying to browse internet with his friend.

They came across a shopping website which they mistook for a dating website and went to the lingerie section .

After a long selection, his friend said " look this woman wearing red lingerie is really gorgeous and is only $49.99. order her" .

So he went and ordered it .

2 weeks l...

How much storage does an aquatic computer have?

A trilobite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game.



I think it is just too weak.

What is the best girlfriend for a computer geek?

One that turns his software into hardware.

What is a computer’s favorite snack?

MICROCHIPS

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer doesn't work?

The task manager.

What do you get when a climate change activist creates computer code?

An Al Gore Rythym

Why did the computer geek fall into a well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

Which brand of computer will win the Grammy's?

A dell.

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

How much memory did ancient computers have?

8 Trilobytes

Why do computers make such good parents?

They all have motherboards.

What does a computer and a bikini have in common

They both save men from a lot guessing work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note 'Off to the grocery store'. He hasn't been 'getting any' so he decides that this is his chance. He turns on the computer and starts scrolling through PornHub.

He starts to masturbate and before long he's about to climax. All of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the best blowjob of his life. Then, without a word, she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there stunned and amazed a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.

She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams...

I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1.

It didn’t fly.

What do you call a computer teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file!

Computer: Choose a password

Me: hi-hat


Computer: Password cannot contain symbols

The best computers are made in America

They have virtually no troubleshooting.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

My office computer is so old...

When it started running slow, instead of more RAM, the IT guy installed more beads.

My doctor told me I injured my eye by staring at my computer screen for too long.

I guess I have a terminal disease.

An executive of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispering, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked," Is your daddy home?"

"Yes." whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult...

What is a stoners favorite computer software?

Adoobe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Why did the Dell computer cross the road?

Because a Dell wanted to say hello from the other side.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

How do you desolder all the components in a Dell computer?

You turn it on, and wait 30 minutes.

Did you hear about the computer chicks that ate each other's feces?

2 Girls 1 CPU

I don't like that clown from IT.

He's always fooling around and cracking jokes instead of fixing our computers.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

Trump answers 'what is 2 + 2' ?

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math y...

Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

How do you reboot a Computer?

By calling a Cobbler.



\*I tried posting in r/DadJokes but didn't have the Karma req..

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