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Three dead men go to hell at the same time.

There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hel...

How can u tell a computer scientist is an introvert or an extrovert?

The extrovert looks at your shoes while having conversation while the introvert looks at his own shoe.

Why doesn’t the computer have any brothers?

Because it only has transisters!

Mother: 'Sweetie, make a Christmas wish.'

Daughter: 'I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in Daddy's computer.'

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple.

But it had extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.

What did the Turkey say to the computer?

"Google Google Google!"

You’re trapped in a room with unbreakable walls and no doors or windows. All you have is a computer. How do you get out?

Press the escape key.

The oldest job in the world

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest professio...

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What's the difference between a computer and sex?

In computer, software goes into the hardware but in sex, hardware goes into the software.

Why does the arrow on the computer screen use profanity a lot?

Because it was a cursor.

Problem with windows

Wife text husband on a cold winter morning :
"Windows frozen won't open"

Husband texts back :
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edge with hammer"

Wife text's back 10 minutes later :
"Computer really messed up now"

If you don't know the definition of abstruse, it's abstruse.

Bonus joke my Alexa told me once cus that's my one liner:

Why was the computer angry when it got out of the car?

Because it had a hard drive.

Don't use beefstew as a computer password

It's not stroganoff

Do you know the difference between americans and computers?

americans don't have trouble-shooting

What brand of computer has the best singing voice?

A Dell

What did the spider do on the computer

Make a website

Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?

I've never turned a woman on before.

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

How do computers form intimate relations?

They insert the floppy into the disc drive.

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

Why did the computer go to sleep?

It was key-bored!

(An original joke from my 5 year old nephew, a budding comedic genius with impeccable timing!)

Why do gaming computers become unstable?

They suffer a mid-life Crysis

How do you start a jam session on an Apple computer?

Iphone,

iphtwo,

iphone, iphtwo, iphthree...

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Three tourists board a taxi at LAX

One is German, one is Italian, the other is Japanese. En route to their accommodation, a Porsche speeds past the taxi, prompting the German to brag 'Porsche, very fast. Made in Germany'.


A few miles later, a Lamborghini speed past, prompting the Italian to brag 'Lamborghini, very fast. ...

So the genius kid in my computer class got an F on a test. It was only 15 question.

Good thing is was a test on hex

My son asked me what incognito mode was on his computer.

"I don't want you to know," I replied.

Have you ever thought of an awesome joke but had to race the final 1% of your battery to post it?

Back when I had an Android I sure did but look at me now, my iPhone still has 27% lef........

There once was a job application form

There once was a job application form that said: “help wanted! Looking for people that are bilingual, able to make a computer program and able to make a robot!”, which a street dog was staring at, and it entered the building. The dog then enters the interviewing room and sits on the chair. The inter...

What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?

A used car salesman knows when he's lying.

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

I have been taking an IT course for the past year.

I’ve learned a lot about computers, but I’m starting to wonder when they’ll get to the damn clown.

I met this man outside the street and we walk into a bar.

We had a small conversation. Then he brought up writing as the topic.

He said: "I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

I went out of the bar after my drink. Two week...

How do you scare a computer at Halloween?

With a Terror Bite

It's kind of patronising

that a computer asks you to prove you're not a robot...

I know how to stop people from secretly getting into your computer.

[removed by FBI]

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

I’m an expert on the Dunning-Kruger effect

I’m also an expert at computers, music, math, biology, and chemistry.

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*emailing dick pic

Computer: Insert file

Me: ok *browse the file

Computer: Try again

Me: *did it again

Computer: Try again

Me: *tries again

Computer: Harder!

Me: what?

Computer: what

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots.

When I’ve had a long day at work, I like to come home, get on my computer, and press F5.

It’s refreshing.

My girlfriend said she was staring at her computer screen not knowing what to write.

I told her she must be literary exhausted.

[This actually happened. I laughed for 20 minutes :(. ]

How do you get pregnant from a computer?

You get Raspberry cream m pi-d

Technology

Google has a purchase recommendation feature.

It essentially looks over your shoulder when you are on the computer. It scans your emails, sees what you are doing on-line, what sites you frequent, who you talk too, what you talk about and what you spend your money on. Then it tells you what y...

This young generation with their computers and internet are so self absorbed.

It's all meme, meme, meme..

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(NSFW) Growing up I was told that masturbation couldn't give diseases

But I guess that's not true because my computer shut down from viruses.

Came up with a bad joke: What is a drunk alien’s favorite computer key?

The space bar

Did you hear about the computer that was thrown into the ocean?

It was a Dell rolling in the deep.

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike.

The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”


The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.”


The first student responds, “Good choice! Her c...

Hey Google, what's a computer's favorite beat?

Algo-rhythm

Why do computer soldiers fight

For the motherboard

My computer just crashed

I think it’s due to a bad driver.

Help! I made my computer racist!

I accidentally pressed alt-right.

How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

An introverted computer scientist looks at their own shoes when they talk to you

An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when they talk to you.

Heard it while watching AlphaGo.

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Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

My 12 year old just told me this one: What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Where did the computer hackers go?

I don't know, they ransomware.

Most girls are like modern computers

They won’t accept my 3 1/2” floppy

What does a tree do after it finishes using it’s computer?

It logs off

Why did the British never get into the computer business?

They couldn’t figure out how to make a computer leak oil.

Apple are making more money than me selling phones and computers.

It's time to make a stand.

Why is it hard to make friends with computer nerds?

They are very click-y

What did one broken computer say to the other?

Error 404: response not found.

Why do doctor’s all use windows computers?

Every time they get near an apple it keeps them away.

I met this computer scientist chick. Really ugly.

She was like a 10.

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Are you kidding? That’s a hardware problem!

What file system do Weight Watchers' computers use?

exFAT

Why was the computer late to work?

Because it had a hard drive.

Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three.

And promptly received a one-world answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?"

Instantly the machine replied "Yes, sir!"

You hear about the latest computer that the Army’s using?

Well, this general puts in a question. The question is this: ‘Will there be peace or war in our time?’



The wheels whir. The lights flash. The machine grinds out the answer: *Yes.*



The general is upset. He feeds back the question: "Yes, what?"



The answer c...

What do computers eat for snacks?

Micro-chips


(Discovered on a Firecracker Popsicle stick)

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

How does the computer programmer potty train his son?

Ctrl+P

I don't like computer science jokes...

Not one bit.

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

I lost a cable for my new computer and now i can't finish it.

it was a Sata-casion

I keep pressing the space bar on my computer

But for some reason I am still on Earth.

What's a computer's favourite food?

A big mac

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

She said "You pay more attention to that damned computer than you do to me!"

I said, "Well, the computer goes down on me now and then".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a problem with my computer yesterday.

I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I did...

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

What's the biggest pain about slow computers?

The megahertz

Why was the computer so full?

Because he already had a megabyte!

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

Antivaxxers' health problems are kind of like computer problems.

They try a load of random things and hope that it works.

a computer that knows everything

in Silicon Valley, there was an exhibition of a new generation Artificial Intelligence computer, which was supposed to know everything: a man and his son went to the exhibition.
"I will hide in the next room," said the man, "and you will ask the computer where am I."
So the man hides and t...

What does the computer programmer call a car with a flat tire?

Floppy drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the computer need to take viagra?

It had a floppy disk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most important website for every computer geek for all his problems?

Pornhub.

If R. Kelly was a computer file...

He'd be a .pdf file

My computer was broken

I tried slamming it against the wall.

It crashed.

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I can't get Mirror's Edge to work on my computer and it's pissing me off.

My friend told me the game runs on windows.

I asked my computer technician friend, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “Just tell her about my job.”

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

Working on the computer is like driving a submarine.

Once you open windows, the problems begin.

Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

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