The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

I like my women like i like my computer

Turned on

On my lap

Virus free

Why do computer soldiers fight

For the motherboard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Most girls are like modern computers

They won’t accept my 3 1/2” floppy

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

You hear about the latest computer that the Army’s using?

Well, this general puts in a question. The question is this: ‘Will there be peace or war in our time?’



The wheels whir. The lights flash. The machine grinds out the answer: *Yes.*



The general is upset. He feeds back the question: "Yes, what?"



The answer c...

What does a tree do after it finishes using it’s computer?

It logs off

Apple are making more money than me selling phones and computers.

It's time to make a stand.

Why was the computer late to work?

Because it had a hard drive.

How does the computer programmer potty train his son?

Ctrl+P

My computer just crashed

I think it’s due to a bad driver.

Why did the author include a page with a computer generated grid in his book?

Because he auto graphed it.

Why is it hard to make friends with computer nerds?

They are very click-y

Where did the computer hackers go?

I don't know, they ransomware.

Antivaxxers' health problems are kind of like computer problems.

They try a load of random things and hope that it works.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

She said "You pay more attention to that damned computer than you do to me!"

I said, "Well, the computer goes down on me now and then".

Help! I made my computer racist!

I accidentally pressed alt-right.

I don't like computer science jokes...

Not one bit.

What does the computer programmer call a car with a flat tire?

Floppy drive.

I keep pressing the space bar on my computer

But for some reason I am still on Earth.

What do computers eat for snacks?

Micro-chips


(Discovered on a Firecracker Popsicle stick)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't get Mirror's Edge to work on my computer and it's pissing me off.

My friend told me the game runs on windows.

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday.

I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I did...

Why do the British build cars, but not computers?

They can't figure out how to get computers to leak oil.

I asked my computer technician friend, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “Just tell her about my job.”

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer?

One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

My computer was broken

I tried slamming it against the wall.

It crashed.

a computer that knows everything

in Silicon Valley, there was an exhibition of a new generation Artificial Intelligence computer, which was supposed to know everything: a man and his son went to the exhibition.
"I will hide in the next room," said the man, "and you will ask the computer where am I."
So the man hides and t...

What Is a Computer's Favourite Beat?

An Algorithm!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the computer need to take viagra?

It had a floppy disk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most important website for every computer geek for all his problems?

Pornhub.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

What computer sings the best?

A Dell.

Why do doctor’s all use windows computers?

Every time they get near an apple it keeps them away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having sex with me is like updating software on a computer running Windows 95.

"The process my take awhile, and the program may seem unresponsive."

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airpo...

Russian computer: Please enter password

Me: Beef_stew
Russian computer: Password not stroganoff

My computers a lot like the Chargers

They both only have two fans.

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Who was the first computer genius in the Bible ?

Adam, he had one hand on the Apple and one on the WANG

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

Did you hear about the new computer Operating System called "Than" that selectively terminates half of all running programs?

We really needed "ThanOS" and it probably did nothing wrong.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.

How did she find out the password to my computer?

Working on the computer is like driving a submarine.

Once you open windows, the problems begin.

What's the difference between my dad and my Computer?

I wouldn't pull the plug on my computer.

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screen shots.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he is hooked into?

The computer actually runs

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

What is a computer's least favorite food?

Spam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't computers be gay?

They're all binary

What do you get when you ask a furry to build a computer?

LenOWO, with WinRAWR pre-installed.

What do you call a computer that smokes pot?

High-tech.

My computer broke and I gave it to the IT guy.

It’s been several days and I haven’t gotten out of the sewer.

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer are riding in a car.

The car brakes down and coast to the side of the road.

"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."

"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I th...

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

If R. Kelly was a computer file...

He'd be a .pdf file

Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army?

He had troubleshooting.

My dog ate my computer science project

"your dog ate your coding assignment?"


It took him a couple bytes

A Computer walks into a bar...

Looking around, it spots an older but rather attractive printer sitting alone in the corner.

The computer approaches the printer and says, "Hey good lookin. What's your font?".

Annoyed, the printer gets up and starts heading for the door, "It appears that it's time for my carriage t...

Great students get A+ on their computer's exam

Genius student get C++

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

People say that I always waste my time in front of the computer

Never seen them since

I invested into crypto currencies last year and can't stop checking the computer screen.

It's refreshing.

Why did the tree fall on the computer?

It wanted to log in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

A person invented a new computer and called his friend to check it out...

Person:- this computer can think like a human

Friend :- how?

Person :- whenever it does something wrong, he blames it on other computers.

What is a furries favorite computer program?

Winrawr

It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist

Probably because I am fluent in Python

My daughters have decided to open a computer repair service together!

They’re going to call it “2 Girls 1 CPU”

What game was Stalin playing on his computer?

Oursweeper

Why are old computers so slow?

Because they do things a bit at a time.

What do you call it when a lumberjack turns on their computer?

Logging in.

A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went?

As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"

Why did the computer got cold?

Because it forgot to close *Windows*

I hate that clown from IT.

Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said, "Your penis is like a computer."

"Why, because it is so reliable?" I asked

She said, "No, because it is Microsoft."

My computer has erectile dysfunction.

The D doesn’t work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it...

She craves anarchy...

You know why the British never made a computer?

They couldn't find a way to make it leak oil

What do call a Senior Citizen when they use a Computer?

Elder Scrolls

Don't confuse your Google search with my computer scienc--

-- actually, never mind. It amounts to the same thing.

What does a baby computer call its father?

data

My girlfriend and my computer have one thing in common

They are not responding

Theres a new computer that begins swearing whenever it gets too hot

They had to install a heat censor

I just lost my quantum computer!

I checked to see if it was on, and now I don't know where it is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always have a box of tissues near my computer...

I cum prepared.

What do computer criminals like to eat?

Cheese and Hackers.

(My 7-year old son came up with that one, so go easy :)

Son: "Mom! The computer is full of viruses!"

Mom: "Screw the computer! I just won 2 free iPads and a free trip to Paris!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.

Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was upstairs playing computer games when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.



"What are you doing?" asks granddad. "You're eighteen years old: you’re wasting your life! When I was eighteen I went to Paris; I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, felt up one of the dancers on stage, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now *that’s* how to have a good time...

Why was the computer shy?

Because it had hardware and software but no underware.

I hacked the recipe computers

at the Campbell's Soup Company. Do you want me to post them in their entirety,

Or just the condensed version.

How do the French turn on their computers?

By pressing Ctrl+Alt+Retreat.

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

One thing I know is that a computer science major didn't name the original pokemon.

Otherwise, charmander would evolve into stringmander.

How do you know a blonde has used your computer?

There is cheese infront of the mouse.

Why couldn't the computer take its hat off?

It had CAPS lock on.

How does a plumber get in to his computer?

He remembers his password and taps it in

Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers?

Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file.

What's common between a computer that just crashed and a guy who just had an argument with his wife ?

Both of them proceed in safe mode.

What’s the difference between target practice and having cow computer problems?

You shoot with a bullet and troubleshoot with Bull IT

How much storage does a skeleton have in his computer?

One terrorbyte

How many computer analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb shall never burn out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the computer nerd say to the other during sex?

01010011 01110000 01100101 01100001 01101011 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01100100 01100001 01100100 01100100 01111001 00101110

What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts ‘mypenis’ and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

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