My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

How did the computer hacker escape the police?

He just ransomeware....

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

What's the difference between an American and a computer?

American don't have trouble shooting.

What do computers identify as?

Binary

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve?

It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!

My computer kept crashing

It turns out I had a bad driver.

I just came up with this tonight but I can totally see the joke having been come up with before, so if it has please let me know.

What's the similarity between my brain and my computer hard drive?

Both are actively deleting memory and I have no idea why.

How do you catch a fish with a computer?

Use click bait.

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

Excorcising an evil computer be like...

The power of Christ compiles you!

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPILES YOU!

Our computers all went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually!

It took me like half an hour to shuffle the cards for Solitaire!

Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.

I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.

I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".

If i use a computer on a plane

Is it called cloud computing?

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

A computer once beat me at chess,

but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the chronic masturbator's computer crash?

There was too much load on the CPU.

Two computer nerds start arguing about if they have to pronounce it gif or jif.

The argument gets extremely heated and it goes on for hours.

In the end they just decide to have the sandwich with just the jelly.

I have to buy curtains for my computer

It's got windows

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Why don't spiders need phones or computers?

They're on the web anyways.

How do you program a computer to make beef stew?

You use bullion logic.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

Computers are not funny

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI

I’m getting really good at beating computers

Captcha thinks I’m not even human

What is different between an American and Computer?

Americans dont have -trouble shooting-

I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health

I should sit on a chair.

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

Things you can say about your computer but not your partner

I'll start,
It takes me three tries to plug in my stick

What did the Computer Science major say to the English major?

Yeah I'll take a #3 with a small fry and a Dr. Pepper, and a #7, just the sandwich. Do you guys still have that smoky barbeque sauce or has it been discontinued?

My wife asked if I wanted to use her computer

or if she should leave me to my own devices.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers.

He was fired for trying to take a byte.

What do Computer Hackers and priests have in common?

They both look for a backdoor entrance

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

What does a karen do when they get mad at a computer?

They demand to see the task-manager!

I had to call tech support for my computer the other day.

Tech Support: “It seems as though your operating system was installed backwards.”

Me: “So?”

What do you call a computer executable that changes all units from kg to g?

Program.

Why are computer screen co-ordinate systems always in a good mood?

Because they are down-right positive!

I used to have a hard time understanding which GPU to buy for my computer.

But since the prices are now in the names, it's much more simple!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A state of the art fighter jet with a sentient navigation computer malfunctioned and went into a tailspin

The human pilot realized it was unrecoverable and shouted, "Computer, initiate automated ejection sequence."

After a long silence, the computer responded, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

Smirking, the crafty, old-school pilot muttered, "I knew the...

A computer walks into a bar

When the bartender asks how many drinks he wants, the computer holds up three fingers.
“I’ll take 7.”

Why did the computer cross the road?

It was programmed by the chicken

What do Bad computers and Children have in common?

They're worth more if you sell their parts separately

How does a computer learn karate?

With a punch card

What do air conditions and computers have in common?

They work fine until you open Windows.

I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science

Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger.

Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer?

They keep summoning the Task Manager

(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library, asks the librarian, "Do you have the new book on living life with a small penis?" She searches her computer and says,

"I Don't See Anything, I Don't Think Its In Yet."

The man says, "Yes, that's the one!"

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

What do old men and old computers have in common?

3.5 inch floppies.

what does a computer eat?

chips

Did y’all hear of the computer virus coded by the librarian?

It was Dewey Decimalware

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

Why was the computer late?

Because it had a hard drive

I want to tell you a computer joke

But you'll have to wait a bit.

What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

I asked my mom why computers are so smart

Mom: because they listen to their motherboards!

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

How do you make a Holy Computer?

You upgrade the hell out of it!

I wonder why Microsoft has opened an office inside my computer.

These predatory businesses are getting out of hand.

Lumberjacks are bad at fixing computers

They only know how to log out.

What is the most commonly used computer programming language?

Profanity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

Have you heard an ex Vice President is releasing a computer generated reggae album?

It's called Al Gore Rhythms

What OS do Jedi run their computers on?

The DagobahSystem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist finds a time machine…

A scientist finds a time machine, and thinking quickly, decides to travel back in time to Ancient Rome with as much modern technology as he can gather in order to advance society thousands of years.

First, he grabs a laptop computer, then a television, and a cell phone. Having these, he deci...

My computer told me it needed to free up some memory.

So I told it to forget it said that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old computers can't compete with new ones when it comes to sex.

New ones have a lot more RAM

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The computer is connected to watt?

A man calls tech support and says, "I unplugged my space heater, and then my computer just blacked out!"

Tech support: Is the power strip that your computer's plugged into still lit?

User: Yes

Tech support: What happens if you move the mouse or press a key?

User: Noth...

Why was Stalin's computer so slow?

It was on a five year plan

I forgot to save my new book, “1000 Ways to Cure an Itch” before my computer died.

Guess I’m starting again from scratch.

Little Johnny wants a computer upgrade

Little Johnny was complaining to his mom that he needs a new computer, because the graphics aren't as clear as his friend's.

His mom looked at the monitor and said, it'll take her 10 minutes to upgrade the computer.

Johnny laughed. Mom could barely change a light bulb, but she was goin...

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

Why can't a computer play tennis?

server unavailable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

what's the difference between my computer and Paul walker.

I care when my computer crashes.

How do you recognize a blond secretary's computer?

All the white-out on the screen.

Grandpa asked me how to print on his new computer.

I said: "Just control-p."

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning...

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning, saying "Windows frozen, won't open. "

I texted her back, "gently pour some hot water along the edges, and tap it with a hammer. "

After a few minutes she texted back, "computer is really messed up now. "

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

Got a B in my computer programming class

Call that a C++

My brain is like a government computer

It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't

What message does a quantum computer have when you view an image?

"Do you want to save changes?"

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

What do you call it when a computer does something daily

A da-ta day routine

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

What are Russian computers best for?

ComPutin.

A physicist asks his friend “want to test out my new quantum computer?”

Friend agrees, sits down and quite impressed says “oh wow, would you look at that”

Physicist: “Great... I guess I need to get a new one”

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A louse enters the employment bureau and says, "I'm unemployed, what to do?"

The clerk looks at the computer and says, "I can offer you a job in Danny's mustache."

"Great", says the louse, and the next day she goes to work.

Two days later she comes back, "I can not work in Danny's mustache - He smokes a lot, and I have asthma."

"Well", says the clerk, ...

Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

how a computer gonna ask me if i’m a robot

muthafucka YOU ARE the robot

How big do computers like their snacks?

Byte sized

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I showed my grandfather some BDSM porn on his new computer. He said, "I just don't understand you young whippersnappers."

I think he meant: "snapper whippers."

Why do you always have to wear a seatbelt in an autonomous car?

In case the computer crashes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor breaking the news

A patient is at the doctors office, it is the end of his appointment and he is discussing the results with his doctor. The doctor says: “Why don’t you go downstairs to the vending machine and buy yourself a drink on me, this next bit of news might be tough to hear.” The doctor rummages around his po...

What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do?

An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance

My New OS

So I programmed an new Operating System.

I named it as a "Tetra-Hedral Artificial Neural Operating System."



Unfortunately, ThanOS took over my computer and wiped out half my files.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.

They will call it USB.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick,

but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

The Russian president is on a visit to the USA.

So he is taken on a tour of various tech companies to show him their superiority.

"This," says Bob, "is the smartest computer in the world. Ask it any question, and it will answer you correctly."

The Russian president is intrigued. So he decides to trick the computer and asks: "Who wil...

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