I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

A software QA engineer walks into a bar.

He orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 99999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a ueicbksjdhd.

First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?

A programmar.

What’s a French King’s least favorite editing software?

Final cut

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

Bored with the carefree life, Timon and Pumbaa decide to become software engineers

Their first day in the office, Timon spends three hours straight working on a huge piece of code, but it keeps returning errors.

Finally, Pumbaa says: "Hey Timon, why don't you take a break? I'll fix you some bugs."

A software developer dies and comes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at the screen of his PC and says: "Sorry, I cannot let you in. There are bugs in the enrollment system and since you are a software developer, you must fix them first."

So the software developer takes a seat at St. Peter's desk and tries to fix the bugs for hours and hours, ...

I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said...

No comment

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"

What did the wheelchair-bound software developer say when asked to speak at an Apple Keynote?

"Sorry, but I don't do stand-up comedy."

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I named my penis software update

Because every time it pops up my wife says not right now.

My son finally landed a position as a software engineer. He proudly told me that his new job title will be “Java Developer.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that means he’ll be making the coffee.

Didn't realize Michael Jackson was a software guy.

Wanted to 'change the world, make it a beta place.'

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, that's a hardware problem.

My buddy's daughter came up with this. She is 4.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Engineers Are Debating the Nature of God...

They are a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer. They each speak their opinion on God's nature in turn.

The mechanical engineer says "God is a mechanical engineer". He proceeds to detail the workings of the human skeletal system, with its intricate joints and...

Did you know there's software that produces lotion?

It's called appointment.

A software salesman died and was greeted by St. Peter at the gate to heaven.

Upon examining the great book, St.Peter tells the salesman he has an equal number of good and bad things in his life’s history, so the choice of heaven or hell is his decision to make.

The salesman, hesitant to make such a momentous decision, asks if he can tour both places to assist him wit...

What software does the Infinity Gauntlet run on?

ThanOS

What's Big Shaq's favorite type of software?

Open-sauce.

It's kinda embarrassing, but I have a fetish for business software. So today I booted up my computer and started the dirty talk.

... unfortunately, it wasn't Intuit.

Plagerism software catches computer on fire

After programmers try to test it on Reddit jokes

Son, we just bought a software to control your internet access.

Can you install it?

How does Big Shaq compile his software?

From raw source.

A software engineer starts up an online mail service designed with women in mind. What do they call the website?

FeMail.com

To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

My buddy makes software for iPhones, for people who like those wiggly-head toys people put on their desks.

Says he's app-ing for bobbles.

Some people are like a software update

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think ” Not now ”

A mechanic, an electrician and a software developer were in a car.

The car stops working.

-It's the carburetor, says the mechanic. We just have to get down and clean it.

-It's the ignition, says the electrician. We have to check the spark plugs and we'll make it work.

-"Guys, I propose getting out of the car and getting back in and maybe it wi...

If pirates say "Arr", What do software pirates say?

.RAR

A software engineer walks into a bar.

He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order.

"Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks.

"Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender.

The engineer takes a ...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.

The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will hav...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Q: Why did the Software Validation Engineer cheat on his wife?

A: Because he was doing exploratory testing!

Q: Why did he cheat on her second time?
A: Because he was doing stress testing.

Q: And why did he cheat for the third time?
A: Because he is an asshole, after all.

A programmer and a software engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

The programmer leans over to the software engineer and asks if he would like to play a game. The software engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and great fun...

There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Software is like sex

It’s better when it’s free

Shortest joke a software developer can tell:

“I’ll be ready soon.”

If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it...

AlGoreRythyms

Why did the software developer go broke?

He used up all his cache !

Was playing with a new animation software but forgot to add any dialogue.

It rendered me speechless.

A Mechanical Engineer, a Special Projects Solution Consultant, and a Software Engineering were riding in a car over a mountain pass....

....Suddenly, the brakes fail just as they crest the rise.

As they begin to plummet unchecked down the mountain, the driver begins a miraculous set of actions, feathering the body of the car against the side of the mountain as well as other vehicles, while simultaneously downshifting the eng...

Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

I like my women the way I like my software

Without any viruses and I don't have to pay

How does software eat it's food?

By taking large bytes!

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just got a job as a software engineer for the government!

My career as a professional shit poster is really gonna take off

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are riding in a car...

when it breaks down. The mechanical engineer speaks up and says, "It must be the engine!" The electrical engineer says, "No, it must be the wiring." The software engineer finally speaks up and says, "Guys, guys... Let's just all get completely out of the car and then get back in."

How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?

He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven.

He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "

What do you call a software developer who's also a gynecologist?

Front-end

A Woman sends her husband - a software developer - out for groceries.

She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."

The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."

Adblocking software

So these IT professionals were discussing the new internet protection softwares they were installing at work.

The first one says “my new system blocks ads, and with Godzilla level protection refuses to show images with flesh tones.”

The next one says “my new system blocks ads, and wit...

Millennium Year Application Software System

This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System " (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 there will be...

The inventor if the anti-virus software has been charged with murder.

They expect the trial to last 30 days

Bill Gates in a car

A software engineer, a hardware designer and Bill Gates are driving in car on the freeway. Suddenly the car breaks down, the engines stops.
The software engineer says: “I think that car ran out if gas. Let’s walk to the nearest gas station and get some gas, put it in the car and then it will st...

So my software came in today ...

My mom asked if it was the curtains she ordered.

I opened the box and turned around.

"Nope, just my Windows."

If software developers made cars

They would cost $500, get 200 miles per gallon, and once a year would explode. Killing everyone inside.