One for the software devs

There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:

1. Garbage collection
2. Naming things
3. Off-by-one errors

I’ve created a writing software to rival Microsoft.

It’s their Word against mine.

A software tester walks into a bar

Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.

First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.

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Someone just stole my audio software. It was free, but I can't believe them.

The Audacity of that bitch.

There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.

It's a little buggy.

I don’t like to use painting softwares

Because it is Electronic Arts

What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

A software tester walks into a bar.

He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.

A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building...

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and software engineer are on their way to a trade show

when their car stalls and they are forced to pull over to the side of the road.

The mechanical engineer says, “It’s probably a mechanical problem. I’ll get my tool box out of the trunk and I can fix it.”

The electrical engineer says, “No, I’ll bet it’s an electrical problem. I have my ...

How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, thats a hardware issue.

Why is Windows software so predictable?

You can see right through it.

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

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What's a treatment for viagra overdose and also a software company?

Ubisoft.

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

In a bid to appeal to more Texans, Tesla has introduced a Republican setting to its autopilot software. When given the choice to either run over a person or save the driver, the car will not even hesitate and..

Will fly you directly to Cancun.

I really hate Norton’s security software...

...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec

Arguing with your wife…

is like reading a software licensing agreement.

In the end you just ignore everything and click “I agree”.

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

A software engineer gets sent to the shops by his wife

She tells him

“Go and get a pint of milk, and if they have eggs get six”

So he disappears and comes back ten minutes later with six pints of milk.

“Why on earth did you get six pints of milk?” His wife asks. He replies

“They had eggs”

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

Why do most software developers need glasses?

Because they can't C#

I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said...

No comment

How do you turn a software into a hardware..

...you rub it!

Tesla released a new software update...

If you miss a car payment your car drives itself back to Tesla.

When software doesn't work

It just bugs me

What's the difference between a junior software engineer and a senior software engineer?

A senior software engineer writes wrong code faster.

A Software Developer walks into a bar

A Software Developer walks into a bar

Bartender: "you having the usual?"

Software Developer thinks for a while
and then says "Yes"

Bartender: "What took you so long to answer?"

Software Developer: "Sorry, I got cache issues."

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

Do you know the difference between a car salesperson and a software salesperson?

The car salesperson knows when they're lying.

My school found out that I was misusing the free Office software they gave us.

But you don’t have to take my Word for it.

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs".

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and ...

Two men were breaking into a high security software company...

They couldn’t get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.

It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.

They looked at each other, impressed and r...

Need a software company like my girlfriend..

offers me a job even before applying to the openings.

Why did the software engineer get into a car accident?

He wasn't able to C: Drive

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

If bees start writing software

Beware

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?

This question reveals that you are still thinking waterfall. For a more agile approach, ask e.g. "When will the scrum master call the janitor?"

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

What is a stoners favorite computer software?

Adoobe

What do we call a software engineer's unwanted child

A cum..pilation error

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

My software developer friends tell me to stop exposing them to COVID-19 jokes...

.. but I tell them it's the best way to achieve nerd immunity.

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I named my penis software update

Because every time it pops up my wife says not right now.

What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?

A programmar.

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

Why did the Software Engineer reality TV show get cancelled?

People thought it seemed too scripted.

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

My software developer candidate brought his pet to the interview

He produced perfectly valid Python.

What would you call anti virus software run by tweakers?

S'norton

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

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A woman was having sex in an apartment on the 20th floor with another Man

As She heard her Husband coming... She told her Lover to stay like a Robot and not to move...

Husband :
What is this???

Wife :
This is a Robot...
I bought it to have Sex with when you are travelling...

Husband :
Okay darling in that case let's have Sex now......

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A programmer and a software engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

The programmer leans over to the software engineer and asks if he would like to play a game. The software engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and great fun...

Why does the Vatican Buy Encryption Software?

To hide all their .pdf files

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

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Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

If pirates say "Arr", What do software pirates say?

.RAR

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

Some friends who are software engineers invited me to go see a movie with them, but when we met up I found them staring at a centipede.

I asked when we were going to see the movie.

They replied that the centipede was a feature, not a bug.

Some people are like a software update

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think ” Not now ”

To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

My son finally landed a position as a software engineer. He proudly told me that his new job title will be “Java Developer.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that means he’ll be making the coffee.

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

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There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

A software developer dies and comes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at the screen of his PC and says: "Sorry, I cannot let you in. There are bugs in the enrollment system and since you are a software developer, you must fix them first."

So the software developer takes a seat at St. Peter's desk and tries to fix the bugs for hours and hours, ...

I've been trying to download this software ALL day..

I kept getting hung up at the end when it said "finish install". I'm Norwegian.

Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

How does Big Shaq compile his software?

From raw source.

What's Big Shaq's favorite type of software?

Open-sauce.

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Software is like sex

It’s better when it’s free

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

What’s a French King’s least favorite editing software?

Final cut

Bored with the carefree life, Timon and Pumbaa decide to become software engineers

Their first day in the office, Timon spends three hours straight working on a huge piece of code, but it keeps returning errors.

Finally, Pumbaa says: "Hey Timon, why don't you take a break? I'll fix you some bugs."

Did you know there's software that produces lotion?

It's called appointment.

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Q: Why did the Software Validation Engineer cheat on his wife?

A: Because he was doing exploratory testing!

Q: Why did he cheat on her second time?
A: Because he was doing stress testing.

Q: And why did he cheat for the third time?
A: Because he is an asshole, after all.

Dude, I totally found this software that like teaches people to speak like a total douchebag in dozens of different languages. Super rad...

It’s called Brosetta Stone.

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

What software does the Infinity Gauntlet run on?

ThanOS

What did the wheelchair-bound software developer say when asked to speak at an Apple Keynote?

"Sorry, but I don't do stand-up comedy."

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

Plagerism software catches computer on fire

After programmers try to test it on Reddit jokes

A mechanic, an electrician and a software developer were in a car.

The car stops working.

-It's the carburetor, says the mechanic. We just have to get down and clean it.

-It's the ignition, says the electrician. We have to check the spark plugs and we'll make it work.

-"Guys, I propose getting out of the car and getting back in and maybe it wi...

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.

Shortest joke a software developer can tell:

“I’ll be ready soon.”

A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven.

He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "

If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it...

AlGoreRythyms

How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?

He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

It's kinda embarrassing, but I have a fetish for business software. So today I booted up my computer and started the dirty talk.

... unfortunately, it wasn't Intuit.

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A Mechanical Engineer, a Special Projects Solution Consultant, and a Software Engineering were riding in a car over a mountain pass....

....Suddenly, the brakes fail just as they crest the rise.

As they begin to plummet unchecked down the mountain, the driver begins a miraculous set of actions, feathering the body of the car against the side of the mountain as well as other vehicles, while simultaneously downshifting the eng...

A software engineer walks into a bar.

He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order.

"Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks.

"Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender.

The engineer takes a ...

How does a software developer call the sunrise?

Sunget

Attorney at law

Saying you're an attorney at law is like saying you're a software developer at programming or that you're a policeman at racism

A software salesman died and was greeted by St. Peter at the gate to heaven.

Upon examining the great book, St.Peter tells the salesman he has an equal number of good and bad things in his life’s history, so the choice of heaven or hell is his decision to make.

The salesman, hesitant to make such a momentous decision, asks if he can tour both places to assist him wit...

How does software eat it's food?

By taking large bytes!

Why did the software developer go broke?

He used up all his cache !

A software engineer starts up an online mail service designed with women in mind. What do they call the website?

FeMail.com

A Woman sends her husband - a software developer - out for groceries.

She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."

The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."

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For a school video project, I was partnered with the class bitch

Wanting it to be finished as soon as possible, I told her that I would do most of the project as long as she would stay out of my way. I then realized that my computer was undergoing repairs so I asked her if she had any audio editing software. And let me tell you,


This bitch had the Auda...

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