One for the software devs

There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:

1. Garbage collection
2. Naming things
3. Off-by-one errors

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and software engineer are on their way to a trade show

when their car stalls and they are forced to pull over to the side of the road.

The mechanical engineer says, “It’s probably a mechanical problem. I’ll get my tool box out of the trunk and I can fix it.”

The electrical engineer says, “No, I’ll bet it’s an electrical problem. I have my ...

I’ve created a writing software to rival Microsoft.

It’s their Word against mine.

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement

In the end you ignore it all and click I agree

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

A software tester walks into a bar.

He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.

A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building...

Why is Windows software so predictable?

You can see right through it.

Why do most software developers need glasses?

Because they can't C#

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

I really hate Norton’s security software...

...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec

How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, thats a hardware issue.

What’s the best pickup line for a computer girl

You turn my software into hardware

Tesla released a new software update...

If you miss a car payment your car drives itself back to Tesla.

A software engineer gets sent to the shops by his wife

She tells him

“Go and get a pint of milk, and if they have eggs get six”

So he disappears and comes back ten minutes later with six pints of milk.

“Why on earth did you get six pints of milk?” His wife asks. He replies

“They had eggs”

What's the difference between a junior software engineer and a senior software engineer?

A senior software engineer writes wrong code faster.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

How do you turn a software into a hardware..

...you rub it!

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and ...

My school found out that I was misusing the free Office software they gave us.

But you don’t have to take my Word for it.

Do you know the difference between a car salesperson and a software salesperson?

The car salesperson knows when they're lying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

When software doesn't work

It just bugs me

Do you want to hear a joke about software

I'm still developing it

Two men were breaking into a high security software company...

They couldn’t get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.

It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.

They looked at each other, impressed and r...

A Software Developer walks into a bar

A Software Developer walks into a bar

Bartender: "you having the usual?"

Software Developer thinks for a while
and then says "Yes"

Bartender: "What took you so long to answer?"

Software Developer: "Sorry, I got cache issues."

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

Why did the software engineer get into a car accident?

He wasn't able to C: Drive

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said...

No comment

What is a stoners favorite computer software?

Adoobe

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs".

Need a software company like my girlfriend..

offers me a job even before applying to the openings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

What do we call a software engineer's unwanted child

A cum..pilation error

My software developer friends tell me to stop exposing them to COVID-19 jokes...

.. but I tell them it's the best way to achieve nerd immunity.

Attorney at law

Saying you're an attorney at law is like saying you're a software developer at programming or that you're a policeman at racism

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

If bees start writing software

Beware

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?

This question reveals that you are still thinking waterfall. For a more agile approach, ask e.g. "When will the scrum master call the janitor?"

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

My software developer candidate brought his pet to the interview

He produced perfectly valid Python.

I never download free software

I'm afraid of going to trial




*Here trial means both trial software and a real trial that you go when you commit a crime*

A software QA engineer walks into a bar.

He orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 99999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a ueicbksjdhd.

First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

What would you call anti virus software run by tweakers?

S'norton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my penis software update

Because every time it pops up my wife says not right now.

Why did the Software Engineer reality TV show get cancelled?

People thought it seemed too scripted.

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?

A programmar.

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For a school video project, I was partnered with the class bitch

Wanting it to be finished as soon as possible, I told her that I would do most of the project as long as she would stay out of my way. I then realized that my computer was undergoing repairs so I asked her if she had any audio editing software. And let me tell you,


This bitch had the Auda...

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My penis is like a big software company.

Micro soft.

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmer and a software engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

The programmer leans over to the software engineer and asks if he would like to play a game. The software engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and great fun...

Why does the Vatican Buy Encryption Software?

To hide all their .pdf files

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

Some friends who are software engineers invited me to go see a movie with them, but when we met up I found them staring at a centipede.

I asked when we were going to see the movie.

They replied that the centipede was a feature, not a bug.

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

I've been trying to download this software ALL day..

I kept getting hung up at the end when it said "finish install". I'm Norwegian.

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

A software developer dies and comes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at the screen of his PC and says: "Sorry, I cannot let you in. There are bugs in the enrollment system and since you are a software developer, you must fix them first."

So the software developer takes a seat at St. Peter's desk and tries to fix the bugs for hours and hours, ...

My son finally landed a position as a software engineer. He proudly told me that his new job title will be “Java Developer.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that means he’ll be making the coffee.

Some people are like a software update

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think ” Not now ”

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

What’s a French King’s least favorite editing software?

Final cut

How does Big Shaq compile his software?

From raw source.

Why did Microsoft license "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones?

Because their software makes a grown man cry.

What's Big Shaq's favorite type of software?

Open-sauce.

Bored with the carefree life, Timon and Pumbaa decide to become software engineers

Their first day in the office, Timon spends three hours straight working on a huge piece of code, but it keeps returning errors.

Finally, Pumbaa says: "Hey Timon, why don't you take a break? I'll fix you some bugs."

What did the wheelchair-bound software developer say when asked to speak at an Apple Keynote?

"Sorry, but I don't do stand-up comedy."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Software is like sex

It’s better when it’s free

Did you know there's software that produces lotion?

It's called appointment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why did the Software Validation Engineer cheat on his wife?

A: Because he was doing exploratory testing!

Q: Why did he cheat on her second time?
A: Because he was doing stress testing.

Q: And why did he cheat for the third time?
A: Because he is an asshole, after all.

Dude, I totally found this software that like teaches people to speak like a total douchebag in dozens of different languages. Super rad...

It’s called Brosetta Stone.

A software salesman died and was greeted by St. Peter at the gate to heaven.

Upon examining the great book, St.Peter tells the salesman he has an equal number of good and bad things in his life’s history, so the choice of heaven or hell is his decision to make.

The salesman, hesitant to make such a momentous decision, asks if he can tour both places to assist him wit...

A mechanic, an electrician and a software developer were in a car.

The car stops working.

-It's the carburetor, says the mechanic. We just have to get down and clean it.

-It's the ignition, says the electrician. We have to check the spark plugs and we'll make it work.

-"Guys, I propose getting out of the car and getting back in and maybe it wi...

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

What software does the Infinity Gauntlet run on?

ThanOS

How does a software developer call the sunrise?

Sunget

Plagerism software catches computer on fire

After programmers try to test it on Reddit jokes

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

Ken Burns has revealed the title of his documentary about software piracy:

The Warez

It's kinda embarrassing, but I have a fetish for business software. So today I booted up my computer and started the dirty talk.

... unfortunately, it wasn't Intuit.

Shortest joke a software developer can tell:

“I’ll be ready soon.”

If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it...

AlGoreRythyms

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mechanical Engineer, a Special Projects Solution Consultant, and a Software Engineering were riding in a car over a mountain pass....

....Suddenly, the brakes fail just as they crest the rise.

As they begin to plummet unchecked down the mountain, the driver begins a miraculous set of actions, feathering the body of the car against the side of the mountain as well as other vehicles, while simultaneously downshifting the eng...

A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven.

He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "

New viruses

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attac...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?

He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

How does software eat it's food?

By taking large bytes!

Why did the software developer go broke?

He used up all his cache !

A Woman sends her husband - a software developer - out for groceries.

She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."

The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."

A software engineer walks into a bar.

He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order.

"Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks.

"Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender.

The engineer takes a ...

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