I’ve created a writing software to rival Microsoft.

It’s their Word against mine.

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. That’s a hardware problem.

One for the software devs

There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:

1. Garbage collection
2. Naming things
3. Off-by-one errors

A software tester walks into a bar.

He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.

A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building...

How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, thats a hardware issue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A software tester walks into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

99999999 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyuiop" beers.

Testing ...

Are you a software developer?

Because you got back-end skills

How does a software code becomes unreadable?

No comments.

There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.

It's a little buggy.

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

A software engineer gets sent to the shops by his wife

She tells him

“Go and get a pint of milk, and if they have eggs get six”

So he disappears and comes back ten minutes later with six pints of milk.

“Why on earth did you get six pints of milk?” His wife asks. He replies

“They had eggs”

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

This new software developer is so socially awkward …

… he failed the Turing Test.

A woman starts flirting with a software guy.

She says “Well aren’t you a cutie pie.”

He responds “No, I’m the IT guy.”

I don’t like to use painting softwares

Because it is Electronic Arts

What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a treatment for viagra overdose and also a software company?

Ubisoft.

I really hate Norton’s security software...

...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and software engineer are on their way to a trade show

when their car stalls and they are forced to pull over to the side of the road.

The mechanical engineer says, “It’s probably a mechanical problem. I’ll get my tool box out of the trunk and I can fix it.”

The electrical engineer says, “No, I’ll bet it’s an electrical problem. I have my ...

Why is Windows software so predictable?

You can see right through it.

Why do most software developers need glasses?

Because they can't C#

I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said...

No comment

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

How do you turn a software into a hardware..

...you rub it!

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

When software doesn't work

It just bugs me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

What's the difference between a junior software engineer and a senior software engineer?

A senior software engineer writes wrong code faster.

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

Tesla released a new software update...

If you miss a car payment your car drives itself back to Tesla.

Do you know the difference between a car salesperson and a software salesperson?

The car salesperson knows when they're lying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

Two men were breaking into a high security software company...

They couldn’t get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.

It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.

They looked at each other, impressed and r...

A Software Developer walks into a bar

A Software Developer walks into a bar

Bartender: "you having the usual?"

Software Developer thinks for a while
and then says "Yes"

Bartender: "What took you so long to answer?"

Software Developer: "Sorry, I got cache issues."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my penis software update

Because every time it pops up my wife says not right now.

Why did the software engineer get into a car accident?

He wasn't able to C: Drive

If bees start writing software

Beware

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?

This question reveals that you are still thinking waterfall. For a more agile approach, ask e.g. "When will the scrum master call the janitor?"

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs".

My school found out that I was misusing the free Office software they gave us.

But you don’t have to take my Word for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

What is a stoners favorite computer software?

Adoobe

Need a software company like my girlfriend..

offers me a job even before applying to the openings.

What do we call a software engineer's unwanted child

A cum..pilation error

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and ...

My software developer friends tell me to stop exposing them to COVID-19 jokes...

.. but I tell them it's the best way to achieve nerd immunity.

What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?

A programmar.

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

Why did the Software Engineer reality TV show get cancelled?

People thought it seemed too scripted.

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

I installed anti virus software on my computer

Now my computer has autism

My software developer candidate brought his pet to the interview

He produced perfectly valid Python.

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

What would you call anti virus software run by tweakers?

S'norton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmer and a software engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

The programmer leans over to the software engineer and asks if he would like to play a game. The software engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and great fun...

If pirates say "Arr", What do software pirates say?

.RAR

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

Why does the Vatican Buy Encryption Software?

To hide all their .pdf files

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

Some people are like a software update

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think ” Not now ”

Some friends who are software engineers invited me to go see a movie with them, but when we met up I found them staring at a centipede.

I asked when we were going to see the movie.

They replied that the centipede was a feature, not a bug.

To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

My son finally landed a position as a software engineer. He proudly told me that his new job title will be “Java Developer.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that means he’ll be making the coffee.

I interview with a Russian software developer company the other day. I asked if they use popular development frameworks

They said .NyET

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

How does Big Shaq compile his software?

From raw source.

A software developer dies and comes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at the screen of his PC and says: "Sorry, I cannot let you in. There are bugs in the enrollment system and since you are a software developer, you must fix them first."

So the software developer takes a seat at St. Peter's desk and tries to fix the bugs for hours and hours, ...

What's Big Shaq's favorite type of software?

Open-sauce.

I've been trying to download this software ALL day..

I kept getting hung up at the end when it said "finish install". I'm Norwegian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Software is like sex

It’s better when it’s free

What’s a French King’s least favorite editing software?

Final cut

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

Microsoft make software for health spas which controls the temperature in steam rooms.

It's called Steamy Windows.

Sony came up with a game software that switches between games in your library when it sees you are losing interest in the one you are playing

It's a game changer.

Bored with the carefree life, Timon and Pumbaa decide to become software engineers

Their first day in the office, Timon spends three hours straight working on a huge piece of code, but it keeps returning errors.

Finally, Pumbaa says: "Hey Timon, why don't you take a break? I'll fix you some bugs."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why did the Software Validation Engineer cheat on his wife?

A: Because he was doing exploratory testing!

Q: Why did he cheat on her second time?
A: Because he was doing stress testing.

Q: And why did he cheat for the third time?
A: Because he is an asshole, after all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having sex in an apartment on the 20th floor with another Man

As She heard her Husband coming... She told her Lover to stay like a Robot and not to move...

Husband :
What is this???

Wife :
This is a Robot...
I bought it to have Sex with when you are travelling...

Husband :
Okay darling in that case let's have Sex now......

Did you know there's software that produces lotion?

It's called appointment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

What software does the Infinity Gauntlet run on?

ThanOS

What did the wheelchair-bound software developer say when asked to speak at an Apple Keynote?

"Sorry, but I don't do stand-up comedy."

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

Plagerism software catches computer on fire

After programmers try to test it on Reddit jokes

A mechanic, an electrician and a software developer were in a car.

The car stops working.

-It's the carburetor, says the mechanic. We just have to get down and clean it.

-It's the ignition, says the electrician. We have to check the spark plugs and we'll make it work.

-"Guys, I propose getting out of the car and getting back in and maybe it wi...

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.

A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven.

He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "

Shortest joke a software developer can tell:

“I’ll be ready soon.”

How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?

He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it...

AlGoreRythyms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mechanical Engineer, a Special Projects Solution Consultant, and a Software Engineering were riding in a car over a mountain pass....

....Suddenly, the brakes fail just as they crest the rise.

As they begin to plummet unchecked down the mountain, the driver begins a miraculous set of actions, feathering the body of the car against the side of the mountain as well as other vehicles, while simultaneously downshifting the eng...

Ken Burns has revealed the title of his documentary about software piracy:

The Warez

A software engineer walks into a bar.

He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order.

"Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks.

"Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender.

The engineer takes a ...

How does a software developer call the sunrise?

Sunget

A software salesman died and was greeted by St. Peter at the gate to heaven.

Upon examining the great book, St.Peter tells the salesman he has an equal number of good and bad things in his life’s history, so the choice of heaven or hell is his decision to make.

The salesman, hesitant to make such a momentous decision, asks if he can tour both places to assist him wit...

It's kinda embarrassing, but I have a fetish for business software. So today I booted up my computer and started the dirty talk.

... unfortunately, it wasn't Intuit.

How does software eat it's food?

By taking large bytes!

A Woman sends her husband - a software developer - out for groceries.

She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."

The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."

Why did the software developer go broke?

He used up all his cache !

A software engineer starts up an online mail service designed with women in mind. What do they call the website?

FeMail.com

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