The 111+ Best Software Jokes

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. That’s a hardware problem.

A software tester walks into a bar.

He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.

A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building...

I’ve created a writing software to rival Microsoft.

It’s their Word against mine.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

A software engineer gets sent to the shops by his wife

She tells him

“Go and get a pint of milk, and if they have eggs get six”

So he disappears and comes back ten minutes later with six pints of milk.

“Why on earth did you get six pints of milk?” His wife asks. He replies

“They had eggs”

One for the software devs

There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:

1. Garbage collection
2. Naming things
3. Off-by-one errors

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A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

I recently rejected a junior software dev job at IKEA.

I kinda know java, kotlin and some php but unfortunately Assembly was required.

What is the best advice for new software developers?

Google it.

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

On a train to a large computer convention, there were 3 software engineers and 3 managers...

Each of the managers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The managers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said, “Here comes the conductor,” all of the en...

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A software engineer.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

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There are three software engineers who find themselves needing a piss at their annual conference.

First one goes in, has his piss, comes out and after washing his hands he grabs a towel to dry them. And another, and another. Soon the bin is overflowing with used towels, but his hands are perfectly dry.
"At IBM, they teach us to be thorough"

Second one goes in, has his piss, comes out...

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

Two software developers

So, there were two friends who had worked together as software developers for a long time. One day, one of them died of a heart attack. The night after the funeral, the remaining guy had a dream in which his dead friend told him that he had two pieces of news - one good and one bad. The good news wa...

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A good software project is like a fart.

With too much pressure it'll turn to shit.

Why did the software engineer quit his job?

Because he didn’t get arrays.

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I named my penis software update

Because every time it pops up my wife says not right now.

A truck carrying Microsoft software has just overturned on the main road.

That's the Word on the street.

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

What does a software engineer do when in an argument with his wife?

He copy-pastes from a previous argument. Why reinvent the wheel?

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A programmer and a software engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

The programmer leans over to the software engineer and asks if he would like to play a game. The software engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and great fun...

What does the software developer say when he gives someone an STD?

Uh-oh, I deployed a bug.

If pirates say "Arr", What do software pirates say?

.RAR

What’s the difference between a software salesman and a snake oil salesman?

The snake oil salesman knows what’s inside the bottle…

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

Why do most software developers need glasses?

Because they can't C#

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Ol Henry Graber's son, Abraham, became the first Amish software engineer.

He was one of the pioneers of AI voices. But he was let go because they were too hoarse and buggy.

What's the difference between a junior software engineer and a senior software engineer?

A senior software engineer writes wrong code faster.

Software architects should never design high security fences.

They’re likely to make them highly scalable.

What happens to German hackers when they encounter anti-cheat software?

They get an autobahn.

I don’t like to use painting softwares

Because it is Electronic Arts

There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.

It's a little buggy.

Software conglomerate Meta to acquire Mucil...

Founder Mark Zuckerberg states "The Meta-mucil merger will help us move things along. They are looking forward to this with every fiber of their being."

A woman starts flirting with a software guy.

She says “Well aren’t you a cutie pie.”

He responds “No, I’m the IT guy.”

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

Why is Windows software so predictable?

You can see right through it.

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

Bored with the carefree life, Timon and Pumbaa decide to join the workforce as software engineers

On their first day at work, Pumbaa's code keeps returning errors for several hours. Finally, Timon says: "Why don't you take a break? I'll fix you some bugs."

How does a software code becomes unreadable?

No comments.

What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS

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There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

Some people are like a software update

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think ” Not now ”

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What's a treatment for viagra overdose and also a software company?

Ubisoft.

In a bid to appeal to more Texans, Tesla has introduced a Republican setting to its autopilot software. When given the choice to either run over a person or save the driver, the car will not even hesitate and..

Will fly you directly to Cancun.

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and software engineer are on their way to a trade show

when their car stalls and they are forced to pull over to the side of the road.

The mechanical engineer says, “It’s probably a mechanical problem. I’ll get my tool box out of the trunk and I can fix it.”

The electrical engineer says, “No, I’ll bet it’s an electrical problem. I have my ...

How do you turn a software into a hardware..

...you rub it!

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?

A programmar.

To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

A former CIA operative gets a job as a software engineer.

At one point in his new career, he comes across a batch of information with what looks, to him, like an unusual encoding scheme.

Thinking it might be some kind of new cipher, he gets in touch with an old contact of his.

The contact, upon seeing the information in question, groans beca...

This new software developer is so socially awkward …

… he failed the Turing Test.

Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

When software doesn't work

It just bugs me

I really hate Norton’s security software...

...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec

Do you know the difference between a car salesperson and a software salesperson?

The car salesperson knows when they're lying.

Need a software company like my girlfriend..

offers me a job even before applying to the openings.

Why did the software engineer get into a car accident?

He wasn't able to C: Drive

A Software Developer walks into a bar

A Software Developer walks into a bar

Bartender: "you having the usual?"

Software Developer thinks for a while
and then says "Yes"

Bartender: "What took you so long to answer?"

Software Developer: "Sorry, I got cache issues."

If bees start writing software

Beware

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

Tesla released a new software update...

If you miss a car payment your car drives itself back to Tesla.

My school found out that I was misusing the free Office software they gave us.

But you don’t have to take my Word for it.

What is a stoners favorite computer software?

Adoobe

Two men were breaking into a high security software company...

They couldn’t get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.

It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.

They looked at each other, impressed and r...

What do we call a software engineer's unwanted child

A cum..pilation error

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10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales r...

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

What would you call anti virus software run by tweakers?

S'norton

Why did the Software Engineer reality TV show get cancelled?

People thought it seemed too scripted.

A software developer dies and comes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at the screen of his PC and says: "Sorry, I cannot let you in. There are bugs in the enrollment system and since you are a software developer, you must fix them first."

So the software developer takes a seat at St. Peter's desk and tries to fix the bugs for hours and hours, ...

What’s a French King’s least favorite editing software?

Final cut

My software developer candidate brought his pet to the interview

He produced perfectly valid Python.

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

Some friends who are software engineers invited me to go see a movie with them, but when we met up I found them staring at a centipede.

I asked when we were going to see the movie.

They replied that the centipede was a feature, not a bug.

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.

What's Big Shaq's favorite type of software?

Open-sauce.

My son finally landed a position as a software engineer. He proudly told me that his new job title will be “Java Developer.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that means he’ll be making the coffee.

A software engineer walks into a bar.

He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order.

"Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks.

"Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender.

The engineer takes a ...

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

How does Big Shaq compile his software?

From raw source.

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

I've been trying to download this software ALL day..

I kept getting hung up at the end when it said "finish install". I'm Norwegian.

A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven.

He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?

He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

Did you know there's software that produces lotion?

It's called appointment.

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Q: Why did the Software Validation Engineer cheat on his wife?

A: Because he was doing exploratory testing!

Q: Why did he cheat on her second time?
A: Because he was doing stress testing.

Q: And why did he cheat for the third time?
A: Because he is an asshole, after all.

A mechanical engineer, an electronics engineer and a software engineer where testing a new automobile..

Going down a hill the brakes started to fail. They careened down the hill at speed, screeching round the corners, narrowly missing cliff faces and sheer drops, and finally coming to a halt by steering up a grassy bank.

"Phew, that was close", said the electronics engineer, "I've got a...

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A Mechanical Engineer, a Special Projects Solution Consultant, and a Software Engineering were riding in a car over a mountain pass....

....Suddenly, the brakes fail just as they crest the rise.

As they begin to plummet unchecked down the mountain, the driver begins a miraculous set of actions, feathering the body of the car against the side of the mountain as well as other vehicles, while simultaneously downshifting the eng...

A mechanic, an electrician and a software developer were in a car.

The car stops working.

-It's the carburetor, says the mechanic. We just have to get down and clean it.

-It's the ignition, says the electrician. We have to check the spark plugs and we'll make it work.

-"Guys, I propose getting out of the car and getting back in and maybe it wi...

It's kinda embarrassing, but I have a fetish for business software. So today I booted up my computer and started the dirty talk.

... unfortunately, it wasn't Intuit.

Ken Burns has revealed the title of his documentary about software piracy:

The Warez

Shortest joke a software developer can tell:

“I’ll be ready soon.”

What software does the Infinity Gauntlet run on?

ThanOS

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

How does a software developer call the sunrise?

Sunget

What did the wheelchair-bound software developer say when asked to speak at an Apple Keynote?

"Sorry, but I don't do stand-up comedy."

Plagerism software catches computer on fire

After programmers try to test it on Reddit jokes

A software salesman died and was greeted by St. Peter at the gate to heaven.

Upon examining the great book, St.Peter tells the salesman he has an equal number of good and bad things in his life’s history, so the choice of heaven or hell is his decision to make.

The salesman, hesitant to make such a momentous decision, asks if he can tour both places to assist him wit...

Why did the software developer go broke?

He used up all his cache !

If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it...

AlGoreRythyms

How does software eat it's food?

By taking large bytes!

A Woman sends her husband - a software developer - out for groceries.

She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."

The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."

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