UPJOKE
computer programlinuxcompilerdatacomputer scienceprogrammalwarehardwarecomputingcomputergroupwaresharewarefirmwarecomputer systemprogrammer

Software Jokes

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. That’s a hardware problem.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

A software engineer gets sent to the shops by his wife

She tells him

“Go and get a pint of milk, and if they have eggs get six”

So he disappears and comes back ten minutes later with six pints of milk.

“Why on earth did you get six pints of milk?” His wife asks. He replies

“They had eggs”

A software tester walks into a bar.

He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.

A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building...

One for the software devs

There are two eternal problems in traditional software engineering:

1. Garbage collection
2. Naming things
3. Off-by-one errors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good software project is like a fart.

With too much pressure it'll turn to shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A software engineer.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my penis software update

Because every time it pops up my wife says not right now.

What's the difference between a junior software engineer and a senior software engineer?

A senior software engineer writes wrong code faster.

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three software engineers who find themselves needing a piss at their annual conference.

First one goes in, has his piss, comes out and after washing his hands he grabs a towel to dry them. And another, and another. Soon the bin is overflowing with used towels, but his hands are perfectly dry.
"At IBM, they teach us to be thorough"

Second one goes in, has his piss, comes out...

Two software developers

So, there were two friends who had worked together as software developers for a long time. One day, one of them died of a heart attack. The night after the funeral, the remaining guy had a dream in which his dead friend told him that he had two pieces of news - one good and one bad. The good news wa...

What does a software engineer do when in an argument with his wife?

He copy-pastes from a previous argument. Why reinvent the wheel?

Why did the software engineer quit his job?

Because he didn’t get arrays.

What is the best advice for new software developers?

Google it.

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

What do cleaning light fixtures and fixing software have in common?

Both involve getting rid of a lot of bugs.

Ken Burns has revealed the title of his documentary about software piracy:

The Warez

Why did the software developer go broke?

He used up all his cache !

What does the software developer say when he gives someone an STD?

Uh-oh, I deployed a bug.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

A truck carrying Microsoft software has just overturned on the main road.

That's the Word on the street.

On a train to a large computer convention, there were 3 software engineers and 3 managers...

Each of the managers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The managers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said, “Here comes the conductor,” all of the en...

Why do most software developers need glasses?

Because they can't C#

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmer and a software engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

The programmer leans over to the software engineer and asks if he would like to play a game. The software engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and great fun...

If pirates say "Arr", What do software pirates say?

.RAR

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ol Henry Graber's son, Abraham, became the first Amish software engineer.

He was one of the pioneers of AI voices. But he was let go because they were too hoarse and buggy.

What’s the difference between a software salesman and a snake oil salesman?

The snake oil salesman knows what’s inside the bottle…

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

Why is Windows software so predictable?

You can see right through it.

Software architects should never design high security fences.

They’re likely to make them highly scalable.

When software doesn't work

It just bugs me

How does a software code becomes unreadable?

No comments.

Software conglomerate Meta to acquire Mucil...

Founder Mark Zuckerberg states "The Meta-mucil merger will help us move things along. They are looking forward to this with every fiber of their being."

I don’t like to use painting softwares

Because it is Electronic Arts

A woman starts flirting with a software guy.

She says “Well aren’t you a cutie pie.”

He responds “No, I’m the IT guy.”

Some people are like a software update

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think ” Not now ”

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

If bees start writing software

Beware

What happens to German hackers when they encounter anti-cheat software?

They get an autobahn.

Three engineers were riding in a car, went down a hill, and crashed.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the brakes. Let me check 'em out." The electrical engineer said, "I think it was something in the electrical system. Let me check it out." The software engineer said, "Let's push it back up the hill and run it again."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

What do you call an experienced software engineer who works in Spain?

señor programmer

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

A Software Developer walks into a bar

A Software Developer walks into a bar

Bartender: "you having the usual?"

Software Developer thinks for a while
and then says "Yes"

Bartender: "What took you so long to answer?"

Software Developer: "Sorry, I got cache issues."

A former CIA operative gets a job as a software engineer.

At one point in his new career, he comes across a batch of information with what looks, to him, like an unusual encoding scheme.

Thinking it might be some kind of new cipher, he gets in touch with an old contact of his.

The contact, upon seeing the information in question, groans beca...

I really hate Norton’s security software...

...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec

Tesla released a new software update...

If you miss a car payment your car drives itself back to Tesla.

Need a software company like my girlfriend..

offers me a job even before applying to the openings.

To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

Why did the software engineer get into a car accident?

He wasn't able to C: Drive

What's Big Shaq's favorite type of software?

Open-sauce.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

This new software developer is so socially awkward …

… he failed the Turing Test.

Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS

What is a stoners favorite computer software?

Adoobe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a treatment for viagra overdose and also a software company?

Ubisoft.

What do we call a software engineer's unwanted child

A cum..pilation error

How does Big Shaq compile his software?

From raw source.

Two men were breaking into a high security software company...

They couldn’t get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.

It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.

They looked at each other, impressed and r...

Do you know the difference between a car salesperson and a software salesperson?

The car salesperson knows when they're lying.

What would you call anti virus software run by tweakers?

S'norton

Why did the Software Engineer reality TV show get cancelled?

People thought it seemed too scripted.

What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?

A programmar.

Bored with the carefree life, Timon and Pumbaa decide to join the workforce as software engineers

On their first day at work, Pumbaa's code keeps returning errors for several hours. Finally, Timon says: "Why don't you take a break? I'll fix you some bugs."

My software developer candidate brought his pet to the interview

He produced perfectly valid Python.

Adblocking software

So these IT professionals were discussing the new internet protection softwares they were installing at work.

The first one says “my new system blocks ads, and with Godzilla level protection refuses to show images with flesh tones.”

The next one says “my new system blocks ads, and wit...

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and software engineer are on their way to a trade show

when their car stalls and they are forced to pull over to the side of the road.

The mechanical engineer says, “It’s probably a mechanical problem. I’ll get my tool box out of the trunk and I can fix it.”

The electrical engineer says, “No, I’ll bet it’s an electrical problem. I have my ...

There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.

It's a little buggy.

I've been trying to download this software ALL day..

I kept getting hung up at the end when it said "finish install". I'm Norwegian.

A software developer dies and comes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at the screen of his PC and says: "Sorry, I cannot let you in. There are bugs in the enrollment system and since you are a software developer, you must fix them first."

So the software developer takes a seat at St. Peter's desk and tries to fix the bugs for hours and hours, ...

What software does the Infinity Gauntlet run on?

ThanOS

What’s a French King’s least favorite editing software?

Final cut

A software engineer walks into a bar.

He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order.

"Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks.

"Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender.

The engineer takes a ...

Plagerism software catches computer on fire

After programmers try to test it on Reddit jokes

Did you know there's software that produces lotion?

It's called appointment.

How does software eat it's food?

By taking large bytes!

Shortest joke a software developer can tell:

“I’ll be ready soon.”

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.

Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven.

He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "

How does a software developer call the sunrise?

Sunget

My school found out that I was misusing the free Office software they gave us.

But you don’t have to take my Word for it.

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

Three software engineers...

...are riding in a truck that breaks down. They get out, and tries to see what he can see under the hood, but doesn't know anything about cars, another calls a tow truck and waits, and the third says "I don't know what's wrong, let's just get back in the car and see if it happens again"

My software developer friends tell me to stop exposing them to COVID-19 jokes...

.. but I tell them it's the best way to achieve nerd immunity.

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why did the Software Validation Engineer cheat on his wife?

A: Because he was doing exploratory testing!

Q: Why did he cheat on her second time?
A: Because he was doing stress testing.

Q: And why did he cheat for the third time?
A: Because he is an asshole, after all.

If software developers made cars

They would cost $500, get 200 miles per gallon, and once a year would explode. Killing everyone inside.

How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?

He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

Microsoft make software for health spas which controls the temperature in steam rooms.

It's called Steamy Windows.

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales r...

A mechanic, an electrician and a software developer were in a car.

The car stops working.

-It's the carburetor, says the mechanic. We just have to get down and clean it.

-It's the ignition, says the electrician. We have to check the spark plugs and we'll make it work.

-"Guys, I propose getting out of the car and getting back in and maybe it wi...

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

So my software came in today ...

My mom asked if it was the curtains she ordered.

I opened the box and turned around.

"Nope, just my Windows."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.