Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

Why was google translate banned in North-Korea?

The speech option was free

If Google maps asks me to rate the Sun

It is not going to get more than "1-star"

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

that's just spam.

My Google password is "SnowWhite&the7dwarves"

Because it said I needed at least 8 characters, including caps, a number and a symbol

My dating life is like scratch cards on Google pay.

It is always better luck next time.

I saw the CEO of Google driving a brand new car

The rims were all chromed out

I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'...

The result was 'This page cannot be found.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recorded my baby's first cry and put it in Google Translate

It read:
"Oh fuck, I should have taken the blue pill."

I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.

I just made it up after a couple of glasses

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

Today I Google cigarette lighters

I was shocked when I got over 15 million matches.

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Google is a woman.

Cos it never lets you finish your sentence without offering a shit load of suggestions!

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

I googled alzheimers symptoms...

And it had already been searched before.

Googled 'how to light a cigar'...

and got 70 million matches.

Why is Google Chrome like a submarine?

They tend to get a little slow if you open too many windows.

So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei

*i'm so sorry, I tried*

Last night I was thinking to myself "I wonder how much Google really knows about me?"

But then my Android phone texted me the message "not much". So I feel better now.

I did a Google search for a cigarette lighter.

Ended up with 15,000 matches.

If a Google Waterpipe were to be for sale...

Microsoft would soon release a Bing Bong.

I googled "how to start a wildfire"...

I got 48,500 matches.

I Just got fired from Google

Because I yelled Yahoo! after completing my morning Sudoku at the office

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Microsoft had the Holo-lens, Google had Google Glass..

Apple missed the opportunity to create augmented reality glasses and call them iBrowse

More than true?

“ My foot hurts “

My mom: it's nothing

Doctor: Take these pills

Psychiatrist: a problem in your childhood

Google: gravestones for sale!

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Reality vs LinkedIn

Reality:

I got my driving license

Linkedin:

I am honored and thrilled to announce that I have been selected among the top 5 applicants who participated in professional and the most-respected exam which evaluates the skills and ability to operate fuel-based vehicles. I cannot wai...

Bono from U2 says he's given up on alternative search engines like Bing and will just use google from now on.

He still hasn't found what he's looking for

If you made a guess, would google be male or female?

Definitely a female, she won’t let you finish a sentence without trying to finish it for you!

Where does Google like to drink at?

The search bar.

I googled the "Pittsburg Steelers" today and it took me to allrecipes.com...

How to make a half dozen turnovers.

I was talking to a lovely young lady and things seemed to be going really well.

Then she said "There's something I want to get out of the way right now," and she reached up and took a wig off her head, and it turned out she was as bald as a new-laid egg.

"Alopecia," she said. "It's a condition that causes hair to fall out."

"Oh," I said. "...Just on your head, or ...

I think my Asian wife is cheating on me.

We've been together for about a year now and we've never even had the typical petty arguments. Even with the language barrier, we understand each other for the most part and if we don't, we use google to translate or just use a different word to substitute. We actually get along really really great ...

Google just test fired the first fully automated rifle ever made, but it jammed on the first shot!

While going through the diagnostics R&D figured out the problem: ERR 404, GUN FAILED TO LOAD.

Here's a joke on Google's playstore

Pending...

What is a group of nerds called?

A Google.

Parents: it's a normal cough

Teachers: its a normal cough

Doctors: its a normal cough

Google: You have 3 minutes

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Google really does spy on us

This is why I don't trust smartphones. My friend and I were talking about repairing his roof over the next week, because the recent storm took off a few portions. The next day I saw advertisements all over Facebook telling me there are hot shingles in my area looking to get nailed.

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

I Googled the symptoms of dementia

But all the links were purple.

I saw my girlfriend’s search history recently. She googled how to make her razor last longer.

I’m glad she considers me hers, but I don’t know how I feel about the nickname Razor.

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

I had to turn to Google for help with a crossword puzzle.

I had to turn to Google for help with a crossword puzzle. The clue was "Dishonestly gaining a advantage," eight letters.

I immediately felt bad for looking it up, that was cheating.

I googled the world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars",
Holmes asked...

During quarantine, Google saw a shift in the top 5 Google searches.

The no. 1 position went from “how to get laid” to “how to get laid off.”

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

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A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:
“Name please.”
“Erm, it’s Johnny Wankenbrake.”
“Wanking-Break?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, Address?”
“Well, my address is my work: Filthy Fingers Films on the Industrial Estate.”
“Right, look buddy, I’m not putting that in a report, take it easy - ...

"I'll close all other applications and only keep my internet browser up to save processing power,"

Said the Google Chrome user.

This is not a joke, I think. But it's funny (I think)

Forget about "meeting singles in my area"

I just got an Ad from Google selling me a "short girth belly guard". The device is made in black leather with chrome studs. Looks like a BDSM thing. I clicked on the ad out of curiosity and it turns out it's for horses, from an Italian company special...

I just heard Google employing are unionizing

I had no idea they were charged particles before!

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

My wife is like "google"

When i try to say something she says many things before i finish mine.

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

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Why the fuck does pornhub even have a share to google+ button..?

I don't want anyone to know I have a google+ account...

I've got so many bill collectors coming after me

They call me with Google Meet

My 14 year old girl asked me what hairstyle would look good on her

Don’t ever google tips for grooming a teenage girl. I’m now on a list somewhere….

Google Plus was the gym of social networking

We all joined but no one ever used it

Google Doodles

Four people are sitting at a bar. A native American, a trucker, a business woman, and a google employee walks up to these people, and asks them:

“Do any of you know of an important problem facing our society? If so, then we can make a doodle of it and put it on our search homepage to raise aw...

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I’ve googled “how to juggle” a million times...

I’ve just never had the balls to actually try it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have noticed one thing during this lock down and I am getting rid of Google and Wikipedia.

My wife knows fucking everything.

What's the difference between Google Chrome and Manchester City.

Chrome has history.

Is the Google server down?

Don’t ask me.......just google it if you don’t know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanks Google Nest....

I get a notice on my phone saying a unknown person was seen walking in the house early morning...shows a picture of me.... well.. fuck you to you judgmental asshole lol

I searched Google images for examples of Rorschach tests...

But all I found were pictures of my dad hitting me.

what do you call medical students who graduated online?

google docs

Yo mamma's so fat

They had to take her passport photo with Google earth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.

Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

Google sky asked to rate our solar system.

You only gave it one star.

Apparently, Google is not that smart as people think

Recently I asked Google Translator, how "Je ne sais pas" is translated, and it replied: "I do not know".

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the biggest difference between Google and Pornhub?

I'm willing to go to the 2nd page of search results on Pornhub.

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

What happens when a Google employee breaks his arm?

He gets a Chrome Cast.

Google is useless

I tried looking up lighters and all they had was 69,000,000 matches.

I asked my buddy what it's like working at Google.

Says he can't complain.

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

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