Why was google translate banned in North-Korea?

The speech option was free

I searched on google “how to start a forest fire.”

It cam up with around 48,500 matches.

Is google a man or a woman?

Woman because she doesn't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.

My Google password is "SnowWhite&the7dwarves"

Because it said I needed at least 8 characters, including caps, a number and a symbol

My dating life is like scratch cards on Google pay.

It is always better luck next time.

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I recorded my baby's first cry and put it in Google Translate

It read:
"Oh fuck, I should have taken the blue pill."

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Google is a woman.

Cos it never lets you finish your sentence without offering a shit load of suggestions!

Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.

I thought to myself, "That's just spam."

Today I Google cigarette lighters

I was shocked when I got over 15 million matches.

I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.

I just made it up after a couple of glasses

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

During quarantine, Google saw a shift in the top 5 Google searches.

The no. 1 position went from “how to get laid” to “how to get laid off.”

If Google maps asks me to rate the Sun

It is not going to get more than "1-star"

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

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I have noticed one thing during this lock down and I am getting rid of Google and Wikipedia.

My wife knows fucking everything.

A dwarf walks into a bar, he's very, very thirsty.

The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side.

He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He jumps up and down, saying ev...

Google Plus was the gym of social networking

We all joined but no one ever used it

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

Google sky asked me to rate our solar system.

You can only give it one star.

Apparently, Google is not that smart as people think

Recently I asked Google Translator, how "Je ne sais pas" is translated, and it replied: "I do not know".

Google just bought Fitbit

Now they can track your steps online as well as offline

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Google really does spy on us

This is why I don't trust smartphones. My friend and I were talking about repairing his roof over the next week, because the recent storm took off a few portions. The next day I saw advertisements all over Facebook telling me there are hot shingles in my area looking to get nailed.

I had to turn to Google for help with a crossword puzzle.

I had to turn to Google for help with a crossword puzzle. The clue was "Dishonestly gaining a advantage," eight letters.

I immediately felt bad for looking it up, that was cheating.

So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei

*i'm so sorry, I tried*

I said: "Hey Google, what is it that woman want?"

That thing is still talking...

Guy asks the CEO of Bing what Bing stands for

The CEO replies

Bing
Is
Not
Google

What's the difference between Google Chrome and Manchester City.

Chrome has history.

Google Doodles

Four people are sitting at a bar. A native American, a trucker, a business woman, and a google employee walks up to these people, and asks them:

“Do any of you know of an important problem facing our society? If so, then we can make a doodle of it and put it on our search homepage to raise aw...

If Google made a car would it be electric?

No, a search engine.

Dear Microsoft:

If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google.
What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."

I googled the world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars",
Holmes asked...

Of all the dating sites I've tried, I found the most success on Google.

I just typed in "single girls" and got 49 million matches!

Google Pixel phones will soon come with its own proprietary mobile hot spot service that is currentlyin Alpha.

Much like their other services, Gmail and Gmaps, It is called Gspot, but phones are having a difficult time finding it.

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

Google: turns 21.. google can drink..

But don't let google drive

Where's the best place to hide a dead body?

The second page of Google's search results.

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

I searched Google images for examples of Rorschach tests...

But all I found were pictures of my dad hitting me.

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A guy wakes up and sits on his deck with his coffee and noticed something

It’s a gorilla in his tree.

After much thought he decided to google “gorilla in my tree” and holy shit it popped up.

“ Larry’s gorilla in a tree removal”

He called and Larry said he would be there in 10 minutes. Larry shows up in van walks to the back and comes out with a long...

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

I couldn’t sleep so I googled “how to fall asleep?”

Step 1: Stay off your phone before bed

Step 2: Irony

Welsh joke *long*

This was told to me 35 years ago by Boyd Clack (google him for his works)

Small welsh village and the local vicar has been told that his sermon this week needs to be about the doctrine of the Church of Wales as there had been lots of rumours about the village of ghost sightings.

"and m...

What happens when a Google employee breaks his arm?

He gets a Chrome Cast.

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How to control population ?

Google: Use a Condom

Bing: \*Cocks Gun\*

Just Googled “Gary Oldman” and some pretty disturbing images came up…

Then I realised I’d left the “R” out.

I searched dirty jokes in google to repost on r/jokes

My face popped up as the first result.

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Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why the fuck does pornhub even have a share to google+ button..?

I don't want anyone to know I have a google+ account...

I made my Google email password as 'Saitama'.

Google said 'Your password is VERY STRONG'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Google and a porn star?

Just a fucking know it all.

I never cheated on my test

I had an entanglement with Google.

I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 84,500 matches.

Hey Google, what's a computer's favorite beat?

Algo-rhythm

A husband and wife are having a big fight...

Husband: I am fed up now! I can't tolerate you anymore!

Wife: ok then... Just push me in a well so I can die!

Husband: ok google! Find wells near me..

Wife(cring loudly): seriously?!!

Husband (realising): oh no! What was I thinking! I was making a very big mistake!
...

I learned that Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google.

Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are.

I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!

I Googled "Missing Medieval Servant"

It came back: "Page Not Found"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

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I asked Google assistant if I can fuck her

She replied "Your phone does vibrate but it doesn't have holes"

What do you call it when Google keeps sending you ads about former vice presidents dancing?

Al Gore Rhythms

In need of your CORNIEST joke

My job does zoom meetings every day at 11, and tomorrow our ‘task’ is to come up with a corny joke. The cornier, the better. What do you got for me?

I can find jokes like this on google:
What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator.

But I really wanna blow peopl...

I’ve tried to search something on google for years

It keeps saying “Error. No matches”

Then I realised I wasn’t on google

I was on Tinder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve googled “how to juggle” a million times...

I’ve just never had the balls to actually try it.

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

Google said I couldn't use "beef stew" as my password.

It's not stroganoff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pacific ocean has a rating of 3.5 stars on Google maps.

Who the fuck is downvoting the ocean?

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