Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

Why was google translate banned in North-Korea?

The speech option was free

If Google maps asks me to rate the Sun

It is not going to get more than "1-star"

My dating life is like scratch cards on Google pay.

It is always better luck next time.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

that's just spam.

I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'...

The result was 'This page cannot be found.'

Today I Google cigarette lighters

I was shocked when I got over 15 million matches.

I saw the CEO of Google driving a brand new car

The rims were all chromed out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recorded my baby's first cry and put it in Google Translate

It read:
"Oh fuck, I should have taken the blue pill."

I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.

I just made it up after a couple of glasses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Google is a woman.

Cos it never lets you finish your sentence without offering a shit load of suggestions!

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

Googled 'how to light a cigar'...

and got 70 million matches.

Why is Google Chrome like a submarine?

They tend to get a little slow if you open too many windows.

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

I googled alzheimers symptoms...

And it had already been searched before.

So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei

*i'm so sorry, I tried*

Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

I googled "how to start a wildfire"...

I got 48,500 matches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Microsoft had the Holo-lens, Google had Google Glass..

Apple missed the opportunity to create augmented reality glasses and call them iBrowse

I Just got fired from Google

Because I yelled Yahoo! after completing my morning Sudoku at the office

Bono from U2 says he's given up on alternative search engines like Bing and will just use google from now on.

He still hasn't found what he's looking for

If you made a guess, would google be male or female?

Definitely a female, she won’t let you finish a sentence without trying to finish it for you!

I was talking to a lovely young lady and things seemed to be going really well.

Then she said "There's something I want to get out of the way right now," and she reached up and took a wig off her head, and it turned out she was as bald as a new-laid egg.

"Alopecia," she said. "It's a condition that causes hair to fall out."

"Oh," I said. "...Just on your head, or ...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

Here's a joke on Google's playstore

Pending...

I googled the world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars",
Holmes asked...

I googled the "Pittsburg Steelers" today and it took me to allrecipes.com...

How to make a half dozen turnovers.

Google just test fired the first fully automated rifle ever made, but it jammed on the first shot!

While going through the diagnostics R&D figured out the problem: ERR 404, GUN FAILED TO LOAD.

I saw my girlfriend’s search history recently. She googled how to make her razor last longer.

I’m glad she considers me hers, but I don’t know how I feel about the nickname Razor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

Where does Google like to drink at?

The search bar.

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Google really does spy on us

This is why I don't trust smartphones. My friend and I were talking about repairing his roof over the next week, because the recent storm took off a few portions. The next day I saw advertisements all over Facebook telling me there are hot shingles in my area looking to get nailed.

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

I said: "Hey Google, what is it that woman want?"

That thing is still talking...

I Googled the symptoms of dementia

But all the links were purple.

My wife is like "google"

When i try to say something she says many things before i finish mine.

Uber and Google are going to merge.

The new company will be called, "Goober."

I just heard Google employing are unionizing

I had no idea they were charged particles before!

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

Is the Google server down?

Don’t ask me.......just google it if you don’t know.

Yo mamma's so fat

They had to take her passport photo with Google earth.

I had to turn to Google for help with a crossword puzzle.

I had to turn to Google for help with a crossword puzzle. The clue was "Dishonestly gaining a advantage," eight letters.

I immediately felt bad for looking it up, that was cheating.

During quarantine, Google saw a shift in the top 5 Google searches.

The no. 1 position went from “how to get laid” to “how to get laid off.”

Google just bought Fitbit

Now they can track your steps online as well as offline

What do you call medical students who graduated online ?

‘Google docs’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.

Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

I just tried to search for my missing Medieval servant boy on Google.

All I got was a message saying “this page cannot be found”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanks Google Nest....

I get a notice on my phone saying a unknown person was seen walking in the house early morning...shows a picture of me.... well.. fuck you to you judgmental asshole lol

Google Plus was the gym of social networking

We all joined but no one ever used it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have noticed one thing during this lock down and I am getting rid of Google and Wikipedia.

My wife knows fucking everything.

How did the bank robber choose his next target?

He used Google safe search.

Google Doodles

Four people are sitting at a bar. A native American, a trucker, a business woman, and a google employee walks up to these people, and asks them:

“Do any of you know of an important problem facing our society? If so, then we can make a doodle of it and put it on our search homepage to raise aw...

I searched Google images for examples of Rorschach tests...

But all I found were pictures of my dad hitting me.

What's the difference between Google Chrome and Manchester City.

Chrome has history.

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why the fuck does pornhub even have a share to google+ button..?

I don't want anyone to know I have a google+ account...

sarcastic jokes

* Stephen:- Knock knock !!
* Robert:- Who's there !!??
* Stephen:- Yah !!
* Robert:- Yah who !!??
* Stephen:- No I prefer Google !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve googled “how to juggle” a million times...

I’ve just never had the balls to actually try it.

Apparently, Google is not that smart as people think

Recently I asked Google Translator, how "Je ne sais pas" is translated, and it replied: "I do not know".

Google sky asked me to rate our solar system.

You can only give it one star.

Of all the dating sites I've tried, I found the most success on Google.

I just typed in "single girls" and got 49 million matches!

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

How to find a lost iPhone

1) Google "Find my phone"

2) Enter Apple's site

3) Login to your account

4) Confirm verification code sent to your phone...

(not a joke, a real story)

Are you a banana? John Green quotes

Google question: Are you a banana?


Critically acclaimed author John Green: Oh come on, these questions are just getting stupid. Like, do I have some kind of pale exterior that you can peel away and then-


...


Oh...


...


But do I thrive i...

I’m so busy with Covid and homeschool that I forgot to drain the kids mac & cheese.

Next time I'll set a Google Colander reminder...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the biggest difference between Google and Pornhub?

I'm willing to go to the 2nd page of search results on Pornhub.

What happens when a Google employee breaks his arm?

He gets a Chrome Cast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

How do you know when you’re desperate for an answer?

You look at the second page of Google search results.

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.