What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank?

Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!

How many r/jokes users does it take to change a light bulb?

1000, one changes the light bulb and the others will start upvoting it and copying it and having orgies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

I have a question for only fans users

Why don’t you get air conditioning instead

A Facebook user walks into a bar...

He orders a shot, takes it, then proceeds to tell the whole bar about it. Then, he gets upset at everyone that doesn't want to take shots with him.

What is the most surprising, deranging, and panicking thing for a reddit user ?

Unprepared blue cheese.

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

A Linux user, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar....

I know because they told everybody there

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

How does a Reddit user get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?

Because they are quick to retweet

Netflix is cracking down on password sharing as it turns out one-third of users share logins

Recent news from the company shows they are not worried about the other two-thirds who are Redditors with no friends

Two cannibals are eating an r/jokes user.

One cannibal turns and asks the other,

"Does this taste funny to you?"

Tik Tok is mostly just millions of users imitating each other.

They should change the name of the app to Kpy Kat.

Why shouldn’t you recommend a book to a social media user?

Because they have probably already Reddit

An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth.

When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

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Damn girl are you a reddit user?

Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!

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A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.

Those kniving bastards.

Paralampics

Three wheelchair users in the Paralympics have tested positive for WD40

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

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Why is P0rnhubs number 1 user Darth Maul?

(I’m gonna get banned for this) Because he’s really horny

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Well known fact.

95% of reddit users are sad lonely wankers....

The other 5% are liars.......

How many Discord users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They prefer dark mode.

Which Greek god are r/jokes users descendants of?

Poseidon. Because they Control C

What do you call friendly and intelligent Reddit users?

Bots.

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

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Pornhub premium users are like jesus

They pay for our sins.

What do Catholic priests have in common with reddit users?

They both *can confirm*.

How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?

Their username checks out.

What kind of Instagram user would COVID-19 be?

An Influenza

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid

Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t

Amish users of reddit, what is it like going about your day to day life without technology?

Hello?
Hello?
Anyone there?

What do you call the connection between a family of Force users?

The Force Kin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Reddit user say after robbing a bank?

Fuck there's no gold left because of how many times this has been reposted

A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PornHub now requires users to watch at LEAST 10 minutes of MILF dwarf content before accessing anything else.

That's just a bare mini-mum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit is releasing its own brand of olive oil in honor of its users

It only comes in extra virgin

Dear Mac users

Isn't it dark with no windows

What’s the difference between an Apple user and an android user.

Say “nine hundred and eleven” to Siri for the punchline.

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

New user: "How come my new printer doesn't work in Linux?" Linus: "You need the right driver."

"My chauffeur's outside."

Most reddit users will be safe from Coronavirus.

Heath authorities say it spreads from human contact.

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A wheelchair user rides towards a bar.

On his way in he notices a man stood by the door smoking a cig.

The wheelchair user looks at the smoker and says "you do know that there is no reason for doing that at all. It won't make you feel better. It won't help you to fit in. It won't make you look cool."

"Really" says the smoke...

A Tik-Tok user who shot videos in the airport was taken to the hospital today..

He was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Why are jokes like user interfaces?

If you have to explain them, they are probably not that good.

Peloton has announced a recall of all their treadmills...

... leaving their users scrambling to find something else to talk about all day.

How do you confuse an Apple user?

Give them options.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Covid-19 and a reddit user have in common?

They want to be inside anyone that touches them, but it's only the sick and old they have a chance of fucking.

(Wash your hands and keep your distance out there)

What do you call a lazy weed-user?

A baked potato

Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.


Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"

What is a Linux user's favorite game?

sudo ku

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

How many StackOverflow users do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Why do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
You should instead use a flashlight.

I met a reddit user today

he gave me the damn flu.

What did the pirate Reddit user say when he found a treasure chest?

“This will probably get buried but...”

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Pornhub Announces Free Premium Access for Italian Users

During a hard situation, Italians will finally be able to come together!

How did the app control all of its users?

Karma

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Why do Apple users live in basements?

Because they don't like Windows!

For all Cocaine user

Only four sleeps to Christmas

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

Due to Policy Changes

Prenuptial’s will now be called End User License Agreements

A user is new to Reddit.

His friend—who is a longtime user—agrees to show him around the site. They go to r/jokes, and the user simply posts “7.”

Immediately, people begin upvoting and commenting their approval. The new user is puzzled.

The Reddit veteran then posts “13,” much to the pleasure of the sub. The p...

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Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

What do you call a magic user that can't stop laughing?

A Wheezeard

What do birthday parties and Reddit users have in common?

All anyone cares about is the cake.

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you a Reddit user?

Cause when you post a title with a typo you can never fix that shit.

Give a homeless guy a meal he is happy for a day. Give a reddit user a joke.

They are happy for 4 years re-posting.

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What do Welsh men and Apple users have in common?

Both are fucking sheep.

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

How many Reddit users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one to do it the first time, then countless others telling their own version of the task in a repost.

A Pokemon go user walks into a bar

Because he was too busy looking at his phone to notice it

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

iPhone users, don’t bother sending the “Meteor” emoji to your Android friends...

...It won’t have the same impact.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

What did the reddit user say to the CEO of reddit Ellen Pao

[This Post was Removed]

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users

Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
...

A software tester walks into a bar.

He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.

A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building...

The number of Firefox users in Bikini Bottom is dwindling...

In the future everything will be Chrome.

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If alcoholics get whiskey dick, what do heroin users get?

Poppycock.

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

What is a technique used by both swordfighters and Reddit users?

Riposte

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Theres only three buisnesses that refer to their customers as users.

Software, porn, and drug dealing

A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"

The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

Each comment thread is a joke, but each user may only post one word.

You may only comment one word, or reply with one word to another comment. Good luck!

Why can't drug users do track?

cuz they always be trippin'

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

The day after a man lost his post in new, he was greeted by two grim-faced users at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your post."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The user said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens...

Why are wheelchair users fans of Liverpool FC?

Because they’ll never walk alone.

A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Viagra user who slipped in the bathroom?

He pole vaulted out the window

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All of the Apple fanboys are missing the main feature they can hold over android users

Their nude pictures are automatically synced to 4chan and reddit.

What does a Twitter user and Schizophrenic have in common?

They both think outloud.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A meth user, An alcoholic, and a prostitute are all in a car. Who's driving?

The Police.

So many reddit users make this ONE mistake:

They always fall for clickbait

What is an example of a Facebook paradox?

Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers

What is the most common question asked by iPhone users?

"Does anyone have a charger I could use?"

I¨ve lost 20% of my couch

ouch

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