UPJOKE
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What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

How many Excel users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Monday January 01, 1900

Some important news for electric car users. I learned today that, if you break down in an electric car, you can still use the AA.

But if you break down in a small electric car, you have to use the AAA.

So, we've all seen Biden's pardon for marijuana users, but we need Bipartisan legislation....

We need Bipartisan legislation for the use of medical marijuana for arthritis patients.

Joint support for joint support for joint support.

There’s a 12-step program for pun users.

But it dozen work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a End-user license agreement...

Everyone is so eager to sign up and enjoy the benefits that they skip reading the rules and have no clue what kind of crazy shit they've agreed to.

Our company is implementing a version of Microsoft Teams Telephony where users keep their microphones muted

They're calling it Teams Telepathy.

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

As companies continue to cut ties with Kanye West...

Compass maker INMARK has also decided to drop West from their product line, leaving users lost and confused.

How do you confuse a reddit user?

You post a brand new joke.


(O.C)

What did the Dalek say when it shot the Linux user?

xterm-inate!

How does the reddit user get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

I've just been randomly flicking through the Acme Products website.

There seems to be an awful lot of negative feedback comments by user 'Wile E. Coyote'.

A Linux user, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar....

I know because they told everybody there

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

------

Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

“Me and my fellow wheelchair users are appalled this congress voted down the wheelchair accessibility bill,” the senator exclaimed.

“We will not stand for this.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you a reddit user?

Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

With the increasing price and size of Iphones……

If you want to be an iPhone user in 10 years, you’ll need to have deep pockets.





( first time here, I hope is not too bad)

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

If a Mac user

If a Mac user sees a crime being committed, does she become an iWitness?

Albert Einstein, Erwin Schroedinger, and Richard Feynman walk into a bar.

Richard Feynman says: “It seems we are inside a joke”.

Albert Einstein says: “We are only inside a joke relative to the Reddit users, Dr. Feynman”.

Scrhoedinger says: “If someone’s gonna look through that window I’m outta here!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?

Their username checks out.

How many r/jokes users does it take to change a light bulb?

1000, one changes the light bulb and the others will start upvoting it and copying it and having orgies

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

Jokes Bus

A man boards a bus, to his surprise it is full of r/jokes users. He finds an empty space and settles in.

He quickly finds out a pattern to the ongoing conversations. One person stands up and shouts a number - Two hundred and sixty one!! Everyone starts laughing. Another person stands up as th...

A Facebook user walks into a bar...

He orders a shot, takes it, then proceeds to tell the whole bar about it. Then, he gets upset at everyone that doesn't want to take shots with him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.

Those kniving bastards.

I have a question for only fans users

Why don’t you get air conditioning instead

Two cannibals are eating an r/jokes user.

One cannibal turns and asks the other,

"Does this taste funny to you?"

What is the most surprising, deranging, and panicking thing for a reddit user ?

Unprepared blue cheese.

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?

Because they are quick to retweet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wheelchair user rides towards a bar.

On his way in he notices a man stood by the door smoking a cig.

The wheelchair user looks at the smoker and says "you do know that there is no reason for doing that at all. It won't make you feel better. It won't help you to fit in. It won't make you look cool."

"Really" says the smoke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub premium users are like jesus

They pay for our sins.

Which Greek god are r/jokes users descendants of?

Poseidon. Because they Control C

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is P0rnhubs number 1 user Darth Maul?

(I’m gonna get banned for this) Because he’s really horny

Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.


Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"

How do you confuse an Apple user?

Give them options.

Netflix is cracking down on password sharing as it turns out one-third of users share logins

Recent news from the company shows they are not worried about the other two-thirds who are Redditors with no friends

Tik Tok is mostly just millions of users imitating each other.

They should change the name of the app to Kpy Kat.

An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth.

When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."

Why shouldn’t you recommend a book to a social media user?

Because they have probably already Reddit

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

What is a Linux user's favorite game?

sudo ku

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

How many Discord users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They prefer dark mode.

A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

What kind of Instagram user would COVID-19 be?

An Influenza

A user interface is like a joke

If you have to explain it, it’s not that good

A Pokemon go user walks into a bar

Because he was too busy looking at his phone to notice it

What did the reddit user say to the CEO of reddit Ellen Pao

[This Post was Removed]

What do you call friendly and intelligent Reddit users?

Bots.

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

What’s the difference between an Apple user and an android user.

Say “nine hundred and eleven” to Siri for the punchline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Reddit user say after robbing a bank?

Fuck there's no gold left because of how many times this has been reposted

A user is new to Reddit.

His friend—who is a longtime user—agrees to show him around the site. They go to r/jokes, and the user simply posts “7.”

Immediately, people begin upvoting and commenting their approval. The new user is puzzled.

The Reddit veteran then posts “13,” much to the pleasure of the sub. The p...

Amish users of reddit, what is it like going about your day to day life without technology?

Hello?
Hello?
Anyone there?

I met a reddit user today

he gave me the damn flu.

Each comment thread is a joke, but each user may only post one word.

You may only comment one word, or reply with one word to another comment. Good luck!

New user: "How come my new printer doesn't work in Linux?" Linus: "You need the right driver."

"My chauffeur's outside."

9/10 Reddit Users are Morons

I'm glad I'm the 1%

Give a homeless guy a meal he is happy for a day. Give a reddit user a joke.

They are happy for 4 years re-posting.

What do Catholic priests have in common with reddit users?

They both *can confirm*.

I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.

“Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?”

"No officer.”

“Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.”
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Covid-19 and a reddit user have in common?

They want to be inside anyone that touches them, but it's only the sick and old they have a chance of fucking.

(Wash your hands and keep your distance out there)

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

A Tik-Tok user who shot videos in the airport was taken to the hospital today..

He was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Apple users live in basements?

Because they don't like Windows!

How would you spot a linux user?

Don't worry they will tell you themselves!

Most reddit users will be safe from Coronavirus.

Heath authorities say it spreads from human contact.

Dear Mac users

Isn't it dark with no windows

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Welsh men and Apple users have in common?

Both are fucking sheep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of Olive Oil do Reddit users use to masturbate?

Extra Virgin

What do you call the connection between a family of Force users?

The Force Kin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PornHub now requires users to watch at LEAST 10 minutes of MILF dwarf content before accessing anything else.

That's just a bare mini-mum.

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