What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up

A Linux user, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar....

I know because they told everybody there

Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?

Because they're always too quick to retweet.

What do you call friendly and intelligent Reddit users?

Bots.

How many Discord users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They prefer dark mode.

What kind of Instagram user would COVID-19 be?

An Influenza

How does a Reddit user get karma when they don't deserve it?

Piece of cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.

Those kniving bastards.

Which Greek god are r/jokes users descendants of?

Poseidon. Because they Control C

What do you call the connection between a family of Force users?

The Force Kin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you a reddit user?

Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PornHub now requires users to watch at LEAST 10 minutes of MILF dwarf content before accessing anything else.

That's just a bare mini-mum.

Amish users of reddit, what is it like going about your day to day life without technology?

Hello?
Hello?
Anyone there?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit is releasing its own brand of olive oil in honor of its users

It only comes in extra virgin

Dear Mac users

Isn't it dark with no windows

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

New user: "How come my new printer doesn't work in Linux?" Linus: "You need the right driver."

"My chauffeur's outside."

What’s the difference between an Apple user and an android user.

Say “nine hundred and eleven” to Siri for the punchline.

A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

A Tik-Tok user who shot videos in the airport was taken to the hospital today..

He was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

A software tester walks into a bar.

He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.

A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building...

How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?

Their username checks out.

Most reddit users will be safe from Coronavirus.

Heath authorities say it spreads from human contact.

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub premium users are like jesus

They pay for our sins.

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Covid-19 and a reddit user have in common?

They want to be inside anyone that touches them, but it's only the sick and old they have a chance of fucking.

(Wash your hands and keep your distance out there)

Why are jokes like user interfaces?

If you have to explain them, they are probably not that good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub Announces Free Premium Access for Italian Users

During a hard situation, Italians will finally be able to come together!

What did the pirate Reddit user say when he found a treasure chest?

“This will probably get buried but...”

I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid

Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t

How many StackOverflow users do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Why do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
You should instead use a flashlight.

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

What’s the difference between somebody who works at a urine cooking facility and your average r/jokes user?

One’s a pee-roaster and the other’s a reposter.

I met a reddit user today

he gave me the damn flu.

What do you call a magic user that can't stop laughing?

A Wheezeard

Marketeer: On a scale from one to ten, how big is the change you would recommend our product to your friends?

RedditUser: zero.

Marketeer: So, I take it, you don't like our product?

RedditUser: No, no, your product is ok.

Marketeer: But then why don't you want to recommend our product to your friends?

RedditUser: I don't have any friends.

What do birthday parties and Reddit users have in common?

All anyone cares about is the cake.

Warning about new batch of "ice"

Police are warning drug users about a diluted, mild version of ice doing the rounds. They are calling it "crystal meh".

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

A redditor walks into a bar..

The owner says "what can I get for you?"

the reddit user immediately turns around and leaves due to his crushing anxiety.

How did the app control all of its users?

Karma

For all Cocaine user

Only four sleeps to Christmas

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

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Damn girl are you a Reddit user?

Cause when you post a title with a typo you can never fix that shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wheelchair user rides towards a bar.

On his way in he notices a man stood by the door smoking a cig.

The wheelchair user looks at the smoker and says "you do know that there is no reason for doing that at all. It won't make you feel better. It won't help you to fit in. It won't make you look cool."

"Really" says the smoke...

A user is new to Reddit.

His friend—who is a longtime user—agrees to show him around the site. They go to r/jokes, and the user simply posts “7.”

Immediately, people begin upvoting and commenting their approval. The new user is puzzled.

The Reddit veteran then posts “13,” much to the pleasure of the sub. The p...

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Why do Apple users live in basements?

Because they don't like Windows!

How do you confuse an Apple user?

Give them options.

Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.


Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"

Give a homeless guy a meal he is happy for a day. Give a reddit user a joke.

They are happy for 4 years re-posting.

How many Reddit users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one to do it the first time, then countless others telling their own version of the task in a repost.

What is a Linux user's favorite game?

sudo ku

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Welsh men and Apple users have in common?

Both are fucking sheep.

iPhone users, don’t bother sending the “Meteor” emoji to your Android friends...

...It won’t have the same impact.

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
...

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

The number of Firefox users in Bikini Bottom is dwindling...

In the future everything will be Chrome.

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

A new user posted a question on r/ask

**u/Newbie:** Hey, what's that character at the top of every page?

**u/User:** Snoo

**u/Newbie:** What's snoo?

**u/User:** Oh, nothing much. What snoo with you?

The day after a man lost his post in new, he was greeted by two grim-faced users at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your post."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The user said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

Did you know? (Not safe for work)

Did you know that:

1. 80% of Reddit users are more likely to click on an NSFW post than on a regular one?
2. the statistic above is not a fact and has been made up
3. the statements above are false
4. the 3 statements above are inconsistent with each other (i.e. cannot all hold...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If alcoholics get whiskey dick, what do heroin users get?

Poppycock.

I¨ve lost 20% of my couch

ouch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse, a chicken and a fantastic moral. [long]

There is a horse and a chicken and they are best friends. One day horse and chicken are walking down a trail when horse steps into some very deep mud. Horse struggles to get out but he cannot set himself free and chicken is too small and feeble to free horse as well. As chicken is crying for his fri...

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

What is a technique used by both swordfighters and Reddit users?

Riposte

Why can't drug users do track?

cuz they always be trippin'

A Pokemon go user walks into a bar

Because he was too busy looking at his phone to notice it

Who are the fastest readers?

Apple users, they can read 30 pages of terms and conditions in just one second.

A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"

The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

What does a Twitter user and Schizophrenic have in common?

They both think outloud.

If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users

Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

What did the reddit user say to the CEO of reddit Ellen Pao

[This Post was Removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love how our names for recreational drug users give an idea of their drug of choice.

If they are a frequent user of marijuana, they're a stoner.

Some like to include psychedelics, and we call them hippies.

Our cocaine lovers are cokeheads.

People obsessed with meth are tweakers.

Finally some people like Bill Cosby prefer qualudes or rohypnol, and we call...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Viagra user who slipped in the bathroom?

He pole vaulted out the window

Why are wheelchair users fans of Liverpool FC?

Because they’ll never walk alone.

I learned my neighbor is an annoying Reddit user

After a storm blew down my fence and I had to repair it, he stormed over complaining about reposts.

An uncreative man who cant think of a User ID buys a chair on Amazon.

*Username* checks out.

Told my boss my idea for a game where the user would steal an idol from a cave monster.

He told me to run with it.

What's the last thing that r/pcmasterrace would do to XBox/PlayStation users?

Console them

How do you offend a meth user?

Play them “All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth”.

Each comment thread is a joke, but each user may only post one word.

You may only comment one word, or reply with one word to another comment. Good luck!

Tumblr told a lot of their users to go screw themselves

Just not on their site.

Once upon a time there was a great wizard.

His name was Theaddus.

He had helped solve many people's problems.
People rewarded him for his help.
With all this money he had bought many talking items to spend his time with.

On one of his trips he had found the perfect item for a loner like him. A staff made of fir.

It...

How does a Linux user evolve Bonsly?

sudo woodo

If the punchline was in the title.

Mobile users would be much happier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A meth user, An alcoholic, and a prostitute are all in a car. Who's driving?

The Police.

Boy George would be a wonderful reddit user.

He would get a lot of karma karma karma karma karma chameleon.

So many reddit users make this ONE mistake:

They always fall for clickbait

Studies have shown 10% of Reddit users unknowingly use puns incorrectly.

One in ten did.

what does an oncologist and an excel user have in common?

they both kill cells

What Is The Hardest Thing for A Cocaine User To Do?

Nothing.

If iPhone user started getting on your nerves

Just ignore them by plugging your earbuds into the 3.5 mm jack of your phone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All of the Apple fanboys are missing the main feature they can hold over android users

Their nude pictures are automatically synced to 4chan and reddit.

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