The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird'...

If an aeroplane is transporting 100 bricks, and one falls out, how many bricks are left?

Ninety nine.

-

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?

1. Open the door
2. Put the elephant in
3. Close the door

-

What are the four steps to putting a horse in the fridge?

1. Open the door
2. Take the elephant out
...

You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

What is Yoda's transport vehicle called?

Toyoda

My wife said I was overconfident by transporting Spanish desserts in the center console of my car. I didn't care.

But then the shift hit the flan.

A 1870s pimp was transporting his hoes

The train derailed before it got to where it was going and was never found. As the pimp was talking to the authorities about what happened he wasn’t able to finish his sentence, I guess he lost his train of thot(s)

A truck transporting cheese in France got into an accident and exploded

Da Brie is everywhere

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What do you call a cocky Chinese person transporting drugs abroad?

Smug Lin.

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A professor, a janitor, and the school's principal are leaving for the day when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After just a few minutes, he ca...

Watermelons

A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell. At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left and he isn't looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning. He comes up wi...

Which superhero is also a form of transport?

Bus Lightyear!

A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package

But he messed up the delivery

What's the fastest way to transport slaves?

Blackmail.

How do you transport an organism with a membrane bound nucleus?

Eukary-it

What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

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What kind of boat transports potatoes shaped like penises?

Dictatorship.

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

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My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

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Question: What is globalization

Answer : Princess Diana's death

Question : How come?

Answer :

An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottish whiskey, followed closely by
Itali...

What do you call it when sodium and potassium surges the electron transport chain?

A deep nap

If you're using public transport never give up your seat

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...
That's how I lost my job as a bus drive

What’s Harry Potter’s favorite mode of transportation?

Walking






JK.
Rolling.

Some music transports you to different places

Today I went to a cafe where they were playing Shawn Mendes and I left and went to a different one.

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

Did you hear about the politician who wants our public transportation to run on alternative fuels?

He promises to make the trains run on Thyme.

What’s the difference between a dirty waiting area for public transport and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean

The new Director of Public Transportation is obsessed with "green" fuels.

He's made all the buses run on thyme.

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

A biker gang comes into a transport cafe

and start picking on a little middle-aged man just sitting down to an all-day breakfast. They steal most of it, spit in his tea, and pull away his chair from under him, until eventually he gives up and walks out silently.

They laugh loudly and say to the waitress "He wasn't much of a man, was...

One day a kid meets a firefighter who was getting out of his shift

The kid tells the firefighter “I want to be a firefighter when I grow up too!”
The firefighter responds with “ oh really kid?”
The kid responds with “yea follow me mister I’ll show you!”
So the kid and the firefighter go to the kids house and the firefighter sees a helmet, vest, wagon, and ...

How do you transport large munitions around Christmas time?

A missile tow.

TIL that, in 1917, England mistook an Italian maritime transport for a German one, so they attacked it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I saw transport police approach a sleeping man on a train today...

The man had his legs spread apart and all of a sudden, something in his crotch area would SWOOSH to the right, and then SWISH to the left...

Police said they’re treating his package as suspicious.

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A VDOT worker walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt.

(VDOT is Virginia Department of Transportation)
He walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt, and sits down with the asphalt on the table. The bartender looks awfully strange and say, "Can I help you sir?" The VDOT worker says "Yes, a beer for me, and one for the road."

A cattle transporter was moving a bus full of baby cows. He tried to make them sit still but they kept rotating.

I guess the veals on the bus go round and round.

How do crabs move from one person to the next?

They use pubic transport

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?

They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

Motorbikes are ideal transportation for people that don't intend to have children.

They wouldn't even let me bring our newborn home from the hospital.

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

Carobs grow on carob trees in warm climates. They are frequently transported to other regions by air.

Usually by pilots of the carob bean.

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Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.


His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards a...

LPT: If you know somebody with dyslexia that uses public transport, offer to help them read their timetable to prevent any mixups.

Whoops, wrong bus.

I love public transport, even though I get excessively sweaty.

Also, I think I take my Train Simulation game too seriously.

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

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Ethiopian and French ministers of transport

The Ethiopian minister of transport visits the French minister of transport for a diplomatic and trade mission. The French minister invites the African diplomat to his house for a formal dinner and the African minister is astonished to see how big his homologue’s house is. He asks him:
“You are ...

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Why do people occupy two seats at public transport?

One for their assholes, another cuz they're assholes

I missed the bus today.

I really shouldn't be this sentimental about public transport.

Three guys die and go to heaven

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates, and announces "welcome to heaven. it is a vast and holy place. I will assign you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouses"

The first man walks up and is given the keys to a beat up 1989 Honda Civic and St. Peter says to him "you cheate...

If Jack the Ripper was...

...transported to current times and wanted a fast food meal before carrying on his dasterdly deeds in our time what might an appropriate dining establishment be called?




Chick-fil-A

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport.

Where it goes is up to you.

Talulah Riley is starting her own space transportation company

It will be called SpaceEX

What do you use to transport pittas?

A flatbread truck

[x-post from r/dyslexia] Today I misread 63 as 68 so it took me twice as long to get home with the public transport

Whoops, wrong bus

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John Smith got a job at Ayr Seaport

Oh John's first day, he was told to, or rather wait for someone else to do so, transport a gorilla. He was told by his supervisor "Do anything, but don't touch it!" He went around, doing things until he thought "What happens if I do touch it?" So he leaned in the cage and lightly touched it, and it...

Why do people say "language"?

Saying "language" when hearing a bad word is like saying "transportation" when getting hit by a car.

I used to have a job transporting addicts to the nearby rehab clinic.

But I got fired because too many of my passengers fell off the wagon.

United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business...

...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,

“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?”
One man replied.

Peter says,
“You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able...

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.

They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would
come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that
they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and
they discussed their predicament in ...

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A Bus Carrying Nuns to the Convent....

Goes over a cliff, killing all on board.

Being pious nuns, all are transported directly to the pearly gates where St. Peter, standing beside a font, is awaiting them.

He says to the nuns, "Our heavenly Father awaits you on the other side of the gates to welcome you to the eternal parad...

I'm in a band called "Transportation".

We're going places.

A man visits a zoo

A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants....

A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.

The patients are going all crazy in the cargo playing a soccer with an invisible ball. The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise. They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.
...

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[NSFW] [Long] Three men are stranded in the middle of the desert. Each one of them is starving, thirsty, and desperate to get home...

As they trudge through the endless desert, one of them spots a small cottage in the distance with scrap metal and junk all around it. He told the others and they all thought it was just a mirage. But as they drew near the cottage, they learned that it was very real.

They all get excited. C...

Who do Egyptians pray to when the public transportation breaks down?

Anubis

(If you don't get it, say it slower.)

I was working at a transportation company that specializes in construction material

I'm a screwdriver

What happens to a desert-dwellers main transportation when it has been parked in one spot for too long?

It gets Camel-Towed.

The french minister of transport receive his counterpart from Uganda ...

After the offical things, he invite him to his place, outside of Paris. The Ugandan minister is astonished, as the place is a well restored and luxurious XVI century castle. He then ask :

- But, how did you pay for that ? I thought you came from a poor family.

- Come at the window, sa...

Alien overlords are discussing the fate of Earth citizens.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.

A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says....

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

3 men go to heaven

(context: this heaven is different, very different, your way of transportation is based on how many times you’ve sinned, ex. larger amount of sins = worse car, low amount of sins = better car)

3 men go to heaven, 1 man walks up to God, God asks the man “How many times have you cheated in you...

OC science joke

There was a young man who was fed up with all the bias in news networks everywhere and vowed to make his own set of news channels that would be void of any and all bias. As he was not a wealthy man he had to find ways cut costs in making his network. He managed to make an odd deal with all his suppl...

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The American Kennel Club has recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador. Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog that's true til the end.
* Terrier...

What kind of transportation does the Pope take?

Mass transit.

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Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and ...

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel

While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.

A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.

The husband thinks about it for a while a...

Let me know what you think of my 2nd attempt!

A young boy decided that he wanted to become a beekeeper when he grew up. When he told his parents this they decided it would be a great chance to teach him responsibility and give him a chance to earn his own spending money. So they bought him a small colony of bees and the tools he would need to t...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

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There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled.

All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You for...

Roe vs Wade is in the news again.

Right now, it's the two main forms of Houston transportation

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