What’s the difference between a dirty waiting area for public transport and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean

What do you call it when sodium and potassium surges the electron transport chain?

A deep nap

How do you transport an organism with a membrane bound nucleus?

Eukary-it

What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

I met a guy whose job was to find new solutions to decrease the density of water transport.

I was like, hey, whatever floats your boat, man.

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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

A biker gang comes into a transport cafe

and start picking on a little middle-aged man just sitting down to an all-day breakfast. They steal most of it, spit in his tea, and pull away his chair from under him, until eventually he gives up and walks out silently.

They laugh loudly and say to the waitress "He wasn't much of a man, was...

If you're using public transport never give up your seat

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...
That's how I lost my job as a bus drive

TIL that, in 1917, England mistook an Italian maritime transport for a German one, so they attacked it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Some music transports you to different places

Today I went to a cafe where they were playing Shawn Mendes and I left and went to a different one.

I saw transport police approach a sleeping man on a train today...

The man had his legs spread apart and all of a sudden, something in his crotch area would SWOOSH to the right, and then SWISH to the left...

Police said they’re treating his package as suspicious.

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

I love public transport, even though I get excessively sweaty.

Also, I think I take my Train Simulation game too seriously.

How do you transport large munitions around Christmas time?

A missile tow.

LPT: If you know somebody with dyslexia that uses public transport, offer to help them read their timetable to prevent any mixups.

Whoops, wrong bus.

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Why do people occupy two seats at public transport?

One for their assholes, another cuz they're assholes

[x-post from r/dyslexia] Today I misread 63 as 68 so it took me twice as long to get home with the public transport

Whoops, wrong bus

When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport.

Where it goes is up to you.

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Ethiopian and French ministers of transport

The Ethiopian minister of transport visits the French minister of transport for a diplomatic and trade mission. The French minister invites the African diplomat to his house for a formal dinner and the African minister is astonished to see how big his homologue’s house is. He asks him:
“You are ...

What do you use to transport pittas?

A flatbread truck

The french minister of transport receive his counterpart from Uganda ...

After the offical things, he invite him to his place, outside of Paris. The Ugandan minister is astonished, as the place is a well restored and luxurious XVI century castle. He then ask :

- But, how did you pay for that ? I thought you came from a poor family.

- Come at the window, sa...

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

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Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and ...

Alien overlords are discussing the fate of Earth citizens.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

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The American Kennel Club has recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador. Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog that's true til the end.
* Terrier...

The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.

A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says....

OC science joke

There was a young man who was fed up with all the bias in news networks everywhere and vowed to make his own set of news channels that would be void of any and all bias. As he was not a wealthy man he had to find ways cut costs in making his network. He managed to make an odd deal with all his suppl...

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There once was a man who loved tractors,

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely adored them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor anime(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was ...

A man named Phillip died of a rare brain bacteria

When he died, he donated his brain to science. The dissection was very time-sensitive, so the morgue hired an Uber to transport the head within the 20 minutes it would take before the bacteria disappeared.
The driver was then pulled over for speeding and, not having the proper driving clearance, ...

I tried to join a gymnastics class, once.

I had to bend over backwards just to get in.

Thank you to the dad I overheard telling his daughter this on public transport... a genuine dad joke.

What kind of vehicle did they use to transport prisoners to concentration camps during the holocaust?

Ju-Haul

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

Why is an Ambulance slow?

Because its a Patient Transport

What does lice travel with?

Pubic transport

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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

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Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?...

Observation

The orthopedic surgeon Betty worked for was moving to a new office, and the staff was helping transport many of the items. Betty sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, his bony arm across the back of her seat. She hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares o...

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A man and his wife have a very peculiar relationship.

On the outside, Paul and Linda seem like an average American couple. However, behind closed doors, Paul is a hardcore submissive masochist, and his wife is a prude who detests any kind of sexual activity. The only way that Paul can get his wife to comply with his desires is to cook bacon. For some o...

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.

They’re calling it ‘Islam’.

Where are the penguins?

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a transport truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for my auto club!” The man agrees and drives off w...

What do Iron Man's suit and the small bus have in common?

They both transport Downey jr.

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Bob is driving home when he sees a sign; "Talking dog for sale"...

...wondering if he's read it correctly, he pulls over and gets out to read it again. Sure enough, it says "Talking dog for sale", and having nowhere to be decides to go in.

Bob knocks on the door, and well dressed man answers; "Yes?". "I'm here about the 'talking dog'. What does he say; 'Roo...

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close to Dave's joke with a Pope

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a professional driver with a nice Bmw M5. Usually it's a limousine but lately pope enjoys more like sports cars. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know brother, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you mind?'' 
T...

A husband and wife of many years travels to Israel.. [Long]

The wife is an extreme nagger that cannot stop nagging all through out their trip until suddenly she dies of a heart attack. The government official that assists the grieving husband says to him, "It will cost you about $5000 to transport your wife's remains back to the US, while it will cost you on...

A pregnant lady

A pregnant lady is visiting her brother Paddy's farm when her waters break.
Paddy doesn't have any transport other than his tractor so she holds on to the back while Paddy drives to the hospital.
Unfortunately part way there the lady falls off the back of the tractor knocking herself out. She...

A farmer lies unconscious in his field after an apparent farming accident. An ambulance pulls up and two EMTs attend the farmer.

EMT1 <walks into corn field, snaps on glove>: "Whadda we got?"
EMT2: "Man, probably a farmer, left leg's been hit with a tiller. ID in the wallet says he's..."
EMT1: no-NO! Don't!
EMT2: ...Lou-is Cz-...zew...ski. Louis Czyzewski.
EMT1: <sighs, pulls glove off> "...cal...

A small town has a factory which produces coffee scented skin creme.

The trucks which transport the cream are causing so much traffic in the small town that the mayor holds a town hall meeting to find a solution. The residents eventually vote to move the cream by train.

So there was a local motion for mocha lotion locamotion.

My Pi Day joke

There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".

The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they ...

Farm Animal Band

So there is a farmer who owns many livestock, and also a singing horse. Little does he know, there are more musical talents on his farm. One day, the horse walks past one of the cows, singing, and the cow interrupts him and says; "hey horse, you know I can play the drums!" The horse looks at him que...

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An Engineer in Hell

One day, an engineer dies. He goes before St Peter and is told that he'll be spending eternity in Hell. So, he goes to Hell, looks around and says to Satan: 'This place sucks'.

The engineer gets to work building a functional fresh water system, air conditions the whole place, builds a sewerag...

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Their captors take them to a mine field and tell them that if they can escape to the checkpoint on the other side, they are free to go. To do so they offer them each whatever transport they want to cr...

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A four hour flight...

An airplane took of from Gander, Newfoundland heading for Toronto, a four hour flight. After about twenty minutes in the air there was an announcement on the P.A. system: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. We have just lost power on our number one engine, but there is no reason to be alarme...

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My new

Muslim Girlfriend keeps talking about a blow-job.

I don’t know whether to get my cock out or to warn London transport..........

Bill and Tom are working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in rehab exercising". Tom couldn't believe...

Dumb town is having an urgent meeting to resolve the current down town hole crisis

In this town where the highest IQ is negative, a big hole is down town, and people are falling in it and being transported to the ER every minute.

An urgent town meeting is held, where the most intelligent people of the town are trying to resolve the situation.

'Smart' person number 1:...

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NO EMAIL

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can...

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Quantum physics joke

Heisenberg and Schrodinger were driving. Heisenberg was on the wheel and Schrodinger was the passenger.

A cop pulls them over and asks Heisenberg: "Do you know the speed at which you were driving?". Heisenberg replies "No, I was looking out the window, I would rather know where I am.".
...

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There was once these three students...

... and they were told to conduct an experiment of their choice. So the bought an elephant and put a cork in its ass and fed it non stop for 3 weeks. The idea was to see if it would all discharge at once. They had everything for the experiment ready: the hired a field had transport of the elephant b...

So an elf walks into an animal shelter...

...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.

On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk...

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