UPJOKE
vehiclecarryferrydisplacebusshippingfreightcargorailwayshipmovetransportationsendtrucklift

You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

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Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

If an aeroplane is transporting 100 bricks, and one falls out, how many bricks are left?

Ninety nine.

-

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?

1. Open the door
2. Put the elephant in
3. Close the door

-

What are the four steps to putting a horse in the fridge?

1. Open the door
2. Take the elephant out
...

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because they are too big to transport to British museums

What do good manners and public transport have in common?

They were designed to be used by others, not oneself

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

What do you call a person who illegally transports cups

A smuggler

What is a sneeze’s favorite mode of transportation?

Ah-choo choo train

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A bodybuilder takes public transport to work..

Bus conductor ask him to buy a ticket

Bodybuilder "I never buy ticket!"

Bus conductor was a thin fella so he couldn't argue much with him.

Next day Bodybuilder again takes the same Bus to work.

Same story he again denies to buy the ticket.

Conductor was very frust...

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Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

A man is driving home from work behind a transport vehicle.

A large box of tacks flies off the back of the large, transport vehicle and into the middle of the lane. The man swerves out of the way to avoid the tacks and is consequently pulled over by a highway patrolman. The highway patrolman asks the man why he thinks he was pulled over.

The man, exas...

As a commercial livestock hauler, my main responsibility is transporting donkeys.

My clients..have their asses handed to them.

The truckers who transport donkey meat are very hurried

They spend their entire work day hauling ass

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

What do a Middle Eastern transportation center and a mythological English kingdom have in common?

They're both camel-lots

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?

They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

How do you transport an injured pig?

In a hambulance!

What do you call a mentally deranged, carbon-free transportation enjoying person?

A cycle-path

How do elephants transport stuffs?

In their trunks..

Transporting prisoners

Today in the UK twelve prisoners where being bused to another prison from HMP Stocken. Thay were in collision with a ready mix concrete truck, police are now looking for twelve hardened criminals

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What do you call a Welshman who transports sheep?

A sex trafficker.

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What’s the difference between a crab with large breasts and an aged transport hub ?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

What's the saddest form of transportation?

A moped.

How do you transport an organism with a membrane bound nucleus?

Eukary-it

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

Did you know some vegetables are nevee transported by sea?

Because having a leek in the boat would be very bad.

A biker gang comes into a transport cafe

and start picking on a little middle-aged man just sitting down to an all-day breakfast. They steal most of it, spit in his tea, and pull away his chair from under him, until eventually he gives up and walks out silently.

They laugh loudly and say to the waitress "He wasn't much of a man, was...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

What do you use to transport pittas?

A flatbread truck

How do you transport large munitions around Christmas time?

A missile tow.

What do you call it when sodium and potassium surges the electron transport chain?

A deep nap

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

What is Yoda's transport vehicle called?

Toyoda

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Ethiopian and French ministers of transport

The Ethiopian minister of transport visits the French minister of transport for a diplomatic and trade mission. The French minister invites the African diplomat to his house for a formal dinner and the African minister is astonished to see how big his homologue’s house is. He asks him:
“You are ...

The only flight available was on a plane transporting corpses. I needed to get home so I bought a ticket but they refused to let me on the plane.

I think that the problem was my carrion.

A truck driver was transporting 100 penguins from Melbourne to Perth when he breaks down in the middle of the desert...

A mechanic takes a look and tells the truckie that the repair will take at least two days. He knows that the penguins won't survive in the heat for that long so he flags down a passing truck and offers the driver $5000 to take the penguins to the Perth zoo for him.
A few days later the repairs ar...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

Did you hear about the guy who got caught living on public transportation?

Bus Ted

A doctor lacking empathy

"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.

Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.

'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very...

What’s Harry Potter’s favorite mode of transportation?

Walking






JK.
Rolling.

Some music transports you to different places

Today I went to a cafe where they were playing Shawn Mendes and I left and went to a different one.

I saw transport police approach a sleeping man on a train today...

The man had his legs spread apart and all of a sudden, something in his crotch area would SWOOSH to the right, and then SWISH to the left...

Police said they’re treating his package as suspicious.

I love public transport, even though I get excessively sweaty.

Also, I think I take my Train Simulation game too seriously.

Roe vs Wade is in the news again.

Right now, it's the two main forms of Houston transportation

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Why do people occupy two seats at public transport?

One for their assholes, another cuz they're assholes

A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package

But he messed up the delivery

The new Director of Public Transportation is obsessed with "green" fuels.

He's made all the buses run on thyme.

I'm in a band called "Transportation".

We're going places.

A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.

The patients are going all crazy in the cargo playing a soccer with an invisible ball. The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise. They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.
...

What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

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Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

- I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

The second says:

- I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

The third one says:

- And I've got a box of tampons....

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It seems that the California Dept. of Transportation wanted to build a highway that went right smack through Chief Bowels' teepee.

It seems that the California Dept. of Transportation wanted to build a highway that went right smack through Chief Bowels' teepee. Chief Bowels said, "Bowels no move," and the chief engineer said, "See my supervisor here at this address; second floor, first door on LEFT." Well, Chief Bowels found th...

Talulah Riley is starting her own space transportation company

It will be called SpaceEX

TIL that, in 1917, England mistook an Italian maritime transport for a German one, so they attacked it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport.

Where it goes is up to you.

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

Which transportation industry was accused of having wrong intentions?

Loco-motive industry

(first post: don't be mean please)

The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird'...

Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.

They’re calling it ‘Islam’.

A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

Motorbikes are ideal transportation for people that don't intend to have children.

They wouldn't even let me bring our newborn home from the hospital.

Two Swedish police officers are patrolling the Norwegian border.

It’s Friday afternoon and they’re in a good mood. They’re talking about how much they look forward to going home to their wives for a nice meal and some fun in bed. But suddenly they see a man who has hanged himself from a tree.

The first officer goes, *Damn it! Now we have to write a report ...

I met a guy whose job was to find new solutions to decrease the density of water transport.

I was like, hey, whatever floats your boat, man.

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business...

...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

Who do Egyptians pray to when the public transportation breaks down?

Anubis

(If you don't get it, say it slower.)

What kind of transportation does the Pope take?

Mass transit.

My wife said I was overconfident by transporting Spanish desserts in the center console of my car. I didn't care.

But then the shift hit the flan.

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

I used to have a job transporting addicts to the nearby rehab clinic.

But I got fired because too many of my passengers fell off the wagon.

Carobs grow on carob trees in warm climates. They are frequently transported to other regions by air.

Usually by pilots of the carob bean.

A cattle transporter was moving a bus full of baby cows. He tried to make them sit still but they kept rotating.

I guess the veals on the bus go round and round.

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Boss: Can you work this weekend?

Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

there was a Saudi guy

Who was studying in Pennsylvania University.
His father was one of the richest Sheikh in middle East.
Everyday he comes to his college in his own Ferrari GT 250 while the others use public transport.
This makes him quite uncomfortable and sad.

One day he texts his dad and says " ...

I was working a job on a boat transporting people and cars when a magical godmother with gossamer wings surprised me with a really good party for me with rides. Then I found out I still had to pay admission. It was only a couple bucks, though.

A Very Fair Fairy Ferry Faire Fare.

I didn't want to believe that my dad was fired for stealing from the transportation department

But when I got home, the signs were all there.

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This is the worst joke I know. "A mad scientist is developing an immortality serum..."

"...and so far it works perfectly in cell culture, in worms, in mice and rats, and in racoons. Next step is testing it in dolphins. As she's reaching for the syringes for her test subjects, she notices that she's run out of serum and has to prepare a new batch. The primary ingredient is a chemi...

[x-post from r/dyslexia] Today I misread 63 as 68 so it took me twice as long to get home with the public transport

Whoops, wrong bus

Working in Germany

Two Bosnians, Mujo and Haso, decided to emigrate to Germany to find a job. Since they had no passports, they dressed as monkeys and jumped on a transport train to the zoo in Leipzig. When they arrived, they were put in a cage with a tiger. As they were trembling in the corner, the tiger approached t...

What happens to a desert-dwellers main transportation when it has been parked in one spot for too long?

It gets Camel-Towed.

Three men were stranded on a desert island, and they found a magic lamp.

Three men were stranded on a desert island, and they found a magic lamp. When they rubbed the lamp, a genie appeared and offered them each one wish.
The first man said, "I wish I were rich and famous."

The genie granted his wish, and he was suddenly transported to Hollywood, where he becam...

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.

They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would
come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that
they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and
they discussed their predicament in ...

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Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?...

My friend said he doesn't take public public transport because it's depressing. So I told him about this really friendly guy that I see on the bus who always offers me a sip of his beer...

At 6am.

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

At the border, a man drives up on his bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

Customs officer: "Do you have something to declare?"

Man: "No."

Customs officer: "And what do you have in the sack?"

Man: "Sand."

During the check it turns out: actually sand.

Every day for a whole week the man comes with the bike and the sack on the luggage rack. ...

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