A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

​

*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Dave, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit."

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

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I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations....

.....I got off on a technicality

I don’t mind camo print clothing...

I just can’t see myself wearing it.

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

I've invented a machine that prints money.

I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....


It makes no cents.

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

Jewish Man calls Newspaper office to print death news of his Grandpa

Clerk: $50 per word

Jewish Man: Grandpa Dead

Clerk: Sorry Sir, Minimum 5 words required ...

Jewish Man: "Grandpa Dead, Wheelchair for Sale!”

*Edit to western currency*

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

Fresh Foot Prints!

A Californian went out to follow up a grizzly bear and was gone three days. Then he turned up without his game.

“Lost the trail, Bill, I suppose”, said one of his cronies.

“Naw, I kept on the trail alright “

“Then ,what is the matter?”

“Wall, the footprints was getting to...

How do you make a 4D printer?

Just take a 3D printer and give it some time.

I'm going to be opening a store that sells cow print socks

One for your left foot, one for the udder

My HP printer died today

It was like a Brother to me.

They charged me money to print out a screen shot of UFC fight night.

It was paper view.

A counterfeiter accidentally prints a $15 note..

not wanting to waste it, he decides to use it in the remote rural part of the country, hoping that the simple folks there could be convinced that it is a new note in circulation.

So he drives to a remote town and while staying at a motel, decides to con the owner.
He walks upto the vendin...

I got a job for British gas the other day. For my first assignment they gave me some blue prints marked in inches. I couldn't understand it at all...

I only read meters.

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Why can't you print money on shuttlecocks?

That's badminton

Do you know why newspapers don't print the pictures of all criminals?

They would run out of black ink

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally sent my essay to a 3D printer

It came out as a pile of shit.

Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU...

You Brexit, you bought it.

Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:

1. Weigh less than the animals they represent

2.

3.

Why couldn't the incontinent man print his documents?

He couldn't Ctrl+P

An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade

After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”

The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”

“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”

Why couldn't the surgeon 3D print a new pair of lungs?

He ran out of tissue paper.

I made this up today. How do you print something when you've really got to go to the toilet?

You ctrl p.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Read the punchline out loud. I first heard this in high school, not sure how well it translates to print.

Poor Tom.

When he was seven, he lost his left eye in a tragic accident. Being from a poor family, the only replacement they could afford was a wooden eye.

When he was seventeen, three weeks before the prom, he was still dateless. He decided to work up the courage to ask someone, but ...

What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints?

an im-paw-ster.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My favorite blond joke of all time...

So two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blond was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know that if you were to print out every single page on the internet, and stack them all, one on top of the other...

... environmentalists would go fucking nuts.

I would never buy a plastic 3D printed car

Unless it came with ABS.

Yo mama so fat ...

... last christmas I took a picture of her. It's still printing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man has a pain in his elbow

His friend tells him about a new machine at the drug store. His friend says "You pay $10, give a urine sample and it'll diagnose you better than any doctor could." So the guy goes to the store, pays his money and gives in the sample. After about 2 minutes a receipt prints out that reads "You have te...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fame

A guy goes in to a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business...

How do you figure out if Will Smith committed a crime?

Dust for Fresh Prints!



(i this version better than any snowstorm b.s.)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

Did you hear about how they caught the murderer in Bel Air?

They found some fresh prints at the scene

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly abrand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, ayoung man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly howmany sheep you h...

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I don't like the way the art world is going. I've read that in the future many exhibitions will only feature digital images displayed on plasma screens in darkened, futuristic galleries," he complained to the bartender. "I'm going to miss the art formerly known as prints.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night a man had a dream

He dreamed he was on a beach and in front of him were two sets of footprints. As he followed the footprints scenes of his life flashed across the sky. As he reached the end of the trail of prints he saw a figure that could only be Jesus.
The man approached Jesus and said “‘My Lord! Am I dead?”...

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who managed to get the most out of their computer.

This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. God said, "cool it. I'm going to set up a test that will run for two hours, after which I will judge who has done the better job."

So they sat at their keyboards and typed away.

They moused away.

The...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

The Old Lady and the Soviet Newspaper

Back in the days of Stalin, a little old Russian lady would walk up to the newspaper stand every morning to buy the day's newspaper.
And each time, she would look at the front page of the newspaper, curse out loud and throw the newspaper away.
After many years of this, the man at the kiosk...

A blonde was determined to prove people wrong

So she speaks to her husband about this after reading dozens of blond jokes.

“I’m fed up with this, I’ve never done something so stupid! I can do something to prove everyone wrong about blondes and what a better opportunity since we just moved into this house.”

Husband replies with a c...

Trying to help my grandad use the computer

and he asks me how to print something, told him to control P and he said he hasn't been able to do that for years!

A mob boss has a job...

A mob boss was looking for some new thugs to take care of problems with the business. Having just lost several men to a warehouse accident, there were a few vacancies. One of his close friends offered some advice.

"There's this new company that's producing automated thugs. Supposedly, these...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cowboy named Bud...

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his
herd in a remote mountainous pasture in
Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The
driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes,
RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the
window ...

When you’ve had an absolute “I hate my job” day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed...

Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran

It’s called Prints of Persia

Donald Trump calls Angela Merkel

"Angela", he said, "you need to help me! The biggest condom-factory in the US burnt down last night. We really need 1,000,000 condoms! Could you help us?"

"Sure", Angela said, "shouldn't be that much of a problem."

"The condoms must have the national colors of America. Red, blue and wh...

2,003 pigs

It’s a small town and not much happens most days, so the town newspaper prints pretty much every little story. But the editor just can’t believe it one day when the new farmer down the road says that his truck ran into a ditch and killed 2,003 pigs. He sends his reporter out to the farm to check it...

“Last Jewish Comic Standing,” was what our family named a game we came up with for our guests to play at our son’s Bar Mitzvah reception.

“Last Jewish Comic Standing,” was what our family named a game we came up with for our guests to play at our son’s Bar Mitzvah reception.

Each guest pulled a classic Jewish joke written on a piece of paper and told the joke to the crowd.

To prepare for this competition my wife, two son...

What did Snow White say when her photos didn't arrive?

Some day my prints will come.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill, Hillary, Donald and Melania were sitting together in the train

... when the train went through a tunnel and the compartment reverberated with the noise of a tight SLAP! When the train came out the Donald had a swelling red hand print on his face. Bill thought, "Stupid buffon must have grabbed Hillary's pussy". Donald thought, "Bill must have grabbed Melania's...

Finding Will Smith

Will Smith went out for a walk and it started snowing. Will Smith is missing. How do you find him?



Look for fresh prints.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Truth will set you free.

A boss had an affair for the first time with his secretary. They spent time in his office till late at night. They had wild sex and when they were done, the secretary turned to him and said, it is late and you are all messed up, your wife will take one look at you and realize what we did.

Do...

Russian Condoms

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power t...

An old Jewish man dies.

His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.

He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "...

I'm watching the horrific pictures of the US Wild Fires in Bel-Air.

They believe it was started by an Arsonist.

They are dusting for fresh prints.
.
.
.
.
Too soon???????

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy buys a scratch ticket and wins 1,000,000 dollars...

Not wanting his wife or anyone to get it, he buries all of it, in cash, in his backyard.
The next morning he walks outside to see a gaping hole where he had buried it, and shoe prints leading to his deaf neighbor's house.
He storms over to the house with a gun in his hand and kicks the doo...

Will Smith is lost in the woods...

One day Will Smith was researching a new role for a movie by camping alone in the woods. Eventually he got lost and a search party was formed.

First, a Search and Rescue team made up of local volunteers and firefighters went into the woods to look for him. They searched for hours but came bac...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Environment my ass

A small ATM room having two ACs and 4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...