My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes printed on the side of all thier ships?

So when they come back to port they can just Scandinavian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?

A hard copy

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

I printed and taped the word “Just” in my guitar case.

I guess you could say, Just in case.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

Why do old people print so slowly?

They can't Ctrl P

I’m starting a club that prints out and mails content from r/jokes to people without internet.

It’ll be called the re-postal service.

Cat prints were found at a murder scene

Its pawsible the cat did it.

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.

Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

My printer has started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille.

It’s giving me Goosebumps

A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

I tried to print a Phishing email

Now my printer wont stop jamming.

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.

It's called *Prints of Persia*.

The calender-printing factory fired me today.

Why, though? All I did was take a week off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.



"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."



"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"



"Well, first, you hav...

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter walks into a bar...

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

I've invented a machine that prints money.

I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....


It makes no cents.

Jewish Man calls Newspaper office to print death news of his Grandpa

Clerk: $50 per word

Jewish Man: Grandpa Dead

Clerk: Sorry Sir, Minimum 5 words required ...

Jewish Man: "Grandpa Dead, Wheelchair for Sale!”

*Edit to western currency*

Military lesson: Never volunteer

During basic training, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his...

9 people go to a beach

A group of nine people went to a beach, they were confused to see the lifeguard wearing a weird, torn clothing which had the word "Time" written on it.


The nine people thought it was a good idea to jump into the water and swim. They played there for a while until it was evening, but sudd...

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial pl...

What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?

A copy cat :)

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As old as the Hills and twice as dusty but no, I've never seen it here

The traveling salesman's car breaks,so he asked a farmer if he can stay there for a few days while his car gets fixed.

The farmer had 2 beautiful daughters, Nellie and Venus.

One night TS takes the older daughter "Venus"on a date to the drive in,using the farmers car.

The next...

My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday

Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.

So I bought a pocket printer.

So happy I can finally print my own pockets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations....

.....I got off on a technicality

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

It took me 2 weeks to realize my calendar was printed upside-down.

What followed was an interesting turn of events.

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

Do you know the difference between education and experience?

Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t.

I don’t mind camo print clothing...

I just can’t see myself wearing it.

What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?

Some day my prints will come...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem...

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the ne...

Will Smith has been connected to an armed robbery in Philadelphia...

They found fresh prints at the scene of the crime.

Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?

He was getting a head of himself

I think I need glasses

I was at the store picking out a desk calendar for next year but I couldn't make out a thing printed on them. I guess I don't have 20/20 vision

I didnt do it!

It had been a long day in court & Larry was trying to get George to confess.
Larry: Admit it! You followed her home. Then, as she turned a corner, you stabbed her.

George: i didn't do it. I'm innocent.

Larry: Don't lie to me. Prints of your shoes were found in her garden.
...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?

When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was lucky enough to win a couple of coupons for some cool bowling balls with number jokes printed on them.

I won two, three for five, sick "seven ate nine" ten pin bowling balls.

Or in other words I... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ...pin bowling balls.

Have you ever seen the serial number that is printed on every condom?

No? Oh, you must not have needed to unroll it that far...

Full disclosure: I searched and although this joke is definitely a repost, it's been about a year since the last time so I took an executive decision to post it again.

A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans

He really is the king of pop

I want to write a show called "Pun". I'll have the script printed out and taped to the floor of the set.

It'll be a play on words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

I got a job for British gas the other day. For my first assignment they gave me some blue prints marked in inches. I couldn't understand it at all...

I only read meters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"

"Not Gutenberg?!"

"Yeah, that was it"

"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"

"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"

To any new parent!

Use the old age filter on your kid.

Print it out, frame it and display it where they will see it daily.

At some point they will realise it's them.

Convince them they're a time traveller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the real difference between jam and jelly?

My office printer sure doesn't jelly every single FUCKING THING I TRY TO PRINT.

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]TIL the new iPhone ditches the finger print scanner to minimize bezels, instead using facial recognition for authentication.

I can't think of anyone willing to let me jack off on their face every time I need to open my phone.

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me…"

God commented, "Well, what a big deal – inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was appare...

I'm going to be opening a store that sells cow print socks

One for your left foot, one for the udder

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt..

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothi...

A counterfeiter accidentally prints a $15 note..

not wanting to waste it, he decides to use it in the remote rural part of the country, hoping that the simple folks there could be convinced that it is a new note in circulation.

So he drives to a remote town and while staying at a motel, decides to con the owner.
He walks upto the vendin...

Do you know why newspapers don't print the pictures of all criminals?

They would run out of black ink

The euro is being re-printed

on greece proof paper

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:

1. Weigh less than the animals they represent

2.

3.

An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade

After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”

The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”

“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't you print money on shuttlecocks?

That's badminton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU: I put my fingerprint on a hated coworkers eyeglasses

TIFU: I put a fingerprint on the eyeglasses of our office asshole. His brother is a cop and I overheard that he is going to run the print. So I innocently struck up a conversation and told him I moved his glasses while looking for my pen. "My brother will run it anyways" he said smugly. "You should ...

I tried printing something in 4D

but I ran out of time.

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

Did you know that each condom has a serial number printed on it?

I guess you have never had to roll it back that far.

Your mom is so fat

Her school picture from first grade is still printing

Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU...

You Brexit, you bought it.

Why are banknote printing machines absurd?

Because they make no cents

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

Why couldn't the surgeon 3D print a new pair of lungs?

He ran out of tissue paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fame

A guy goes in to a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business...

I made this up today. How do you print something when you've really got to go to the toilet?

You ctrl p.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Read the punchline out loud. I first heard this in high school, not sure how well it translates to print.

Poor Tom.

When he was seven, he lost his left eye in a tragic accident. Being from a poor family, the only replacement they could afford was a wooden eye.

When he was seventeen, three weeks before the prom, he was still dateless. He decided to work up the courage to ask someone, but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A son comes out as bisexual to his father.

A son comes out as bisexual to his father and asks if his father will still accept him. The father says yes of course he will.

A few months later the son fails his driving test and asks if his father will accept him. At that age the father used to cycle to school because he had failed it many...

I printed out this website's logo and then I realised I didn't need it. Should I throw out the piece of paper or should I...

Shreddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints?

an im-paw-ster.

Printer tired while printing her picture

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

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