A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

I’m starting a club that prints out and mails content from r/jokes to people without internet.

It’ll be called the re-postal service.

Why do old people print so slowly?

They can't Ctrl P

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

I tried to print a Phishing email

Now my printer wont stop jamming.

Jewish Man calls Newspaper office to print death news of his Grandpa

Clerk: $50 per word

Jewish Man: Grandpa Dead

Clerk: Sorry Sir, Minimum 5 words required ...

Jewish Man: "Grandpa Dead, Wheelchair for Sale!”

*Edit to western currency*

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...

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"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Dave, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit."

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.

Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

Cat prints were found at a murder scene

Its pawsible the cat did it.

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I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations....

.....I got off on a technicality

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

I don’t mind camo print clothing...

I just can’t see myself wearing it.

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

I got a job for British gas the other day. For my first assignment they gave me some blue prints marked in inches. I couldn't understand it at all...

I only read meters.

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

How do you make a 4D printer?

Just take a 3D printer and give it some time.

I've invented a machine that prints money.

I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....


It makes no cents.

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[NSFW]TIL the new iPhone ditches the finger print scanner to minimize bezels, instead using facial recognition for authentication.

I can't think of anyone willing to let me jack off on their face every time I need to open my phone.

Fresh Foot Prints!

A Californian went out to follow up a grizzly bear and was gone three days. Then he turned up without his game.

“Lost the trail, Bill, I suppose”, said one of his cronies.

“Naw, I kept on the trail alright “

“Then ,what is the matter?”

“Wall, the footprints was getting to...

My HP printer died today

It was like a Brother to me.

I'm going to be opening a store that sells cow print socks

One for your left foot, one for the udder

A counterfeiter accidentally prints a $15 note..

not wanting to waste it, he decides to use it in the remote rural part of the country, hoping that the simple folks there could be convinced that it is a new note in circulation.

So he drives to a remote town and while staying at a motel, decides to con the owner.
He walks upto the vendin...

Do you know why newspapers don't print the pictures of all criminals?

They would run out of black ink

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A reporter walks into a bar...

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:

1. Weigh less than the animals they represent

2.

3.

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Why can't you print money on shuttlecocks?

That's badminton

Do you know the difference between education and experience?

Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

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I accidentally sent my essay to a 3D printer

It came out as a pile of shit.

Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU...

You Brexit, you bought it.

Will Smith has been connected to an armed robbery in Philadelphia...

They found fresh prints at the scene of the crime.

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

Why couldn't the surgeon 3D print a new pair of lungs?

He ran out of tissue paper.

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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem...

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the ne...

I made this up today. How do you print something when you've really got to go to the toilet?

You ctrl p.

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Read the punchline out loud. I first heard this in high school, not sure how well it translates to print.

Poor Tom.

When he was seven, he lost his left eye in a tragic accident. Being from a poor family, the only replacement they could afford was a wooden eye.

When he was seventeen, three weeks before the prom, he was still dateless. He decided to work up the courage to ask someone, but ...

I didnt do it!

It had been a long day in court & Larry was trying to get George to confess.
Larry: Admit it! You followed her home. Then, as she turned a corner, you stabbed her.

George: i didn't do it. I'm innocent.

Larry: Don't lie to me. Prints of your shoes were found in her garden.
...

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My favorite blond joke of all time...

So two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blond was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints?

an im-paw-ster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you were to print out every single page on the internet, and stack them all, one on top of the other...

... environmentalists would go fucking nuts.

How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?

When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print

Yo mama so fat ...

... last christmas I took a picture of her. It's still printing.

To any new parent!

Use the old age filter on your kid.

Print it out, frame it and display it where they will see it daily.

At some point they will realise it's them.

Convince them they're a time traveller

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What's the real difference between jam and jelly?

My office printer sure doesn't jelly every single FUCKING THING I TRY TO PRINT.

How do you figure out if Will Smith committed a crime?

Dust for Fresh Prints!



(i this version better than any snowstorm b.s.)

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TIFU: I put my fingerprint on a hated coworkers eyeglasses

TIFU: I put a fingerprint on the eyeglasses of our office asshole. His brother is a cop and I overheard that he is going to run the print. So I innocently struck up a conversation and told him I moved his glasses while looking for my pen. "My brother will run it anyways" he said smugly. "You should ...

Did you hear they're going to print the Daily Mail on A1 sheets?

It's pretty big news.

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Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

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For his birthday a man decides to hold a costume party

To put a twist on things, he declares in his invitations that the theme of the party will be feelings and emotions.

On the night in question, the host is putting the final touches on the decorations when the doorbell chimes.

The host opens the door to his first guest, a man with his fa...

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

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A man has a pain in his elbow

His friend tells him about a new machine at the drug store. His friend says "You pay $10, give a urine sample and it'll diagnose you better than any doctor could." So the guy goes to the store, pays his money and gives in the sample. After about 2 minutes a receipt prints out that reads "You have te...

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Fame

A guy goes in to a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade

After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”

The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”

“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”

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Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I don't like the way the art world is going. I've read that in the future many exhibitions will only feature digital images displayed on plasma screens in darkened, futuristic galleries," he complained to the bartender. "I'm going to miss the art formerly known as prints.

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

Did you hear about how they caught the murderer in Bel Air?

They found some fresh prints at the scene

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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly abrand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, ayoung man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly howmany sheep you h...

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One night a man had a dream

He dreamed he was on a beach and in front of him were two sets of footprints. As he followed the footprints scenes of his life flashed across the sky. As he reached the end of the trail of prints he saw a figure that could only be Jesus.
The man approached Jesus and said “‘My Lord! Am I dead?”...

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "You have been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." Saint Peter points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well," says Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your inventio...

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A cowboy named Bud...

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his
herd in a remote mountainous pasture in
Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The
driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes,
RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the
window ...

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who managed to get the most out of their computer.

This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. God said, "cool it. I'm going to set up a test that will run for two hours, after which I will judge who has done the better job."

So they sat at their keyboards and typed away.

They moused away.

The...

A mob boss has a job...

A mob boss was looking for some new thugs to take care of problems with the business. Having just lost several men to a warehouse accident, there were a few vacancies. One of his close friends offered some advice.

"There's this new company that's producing automated thugs. Supposedly, these...

The Old Lady and the Soviet Newspaper

Back in the days of Stalin, a little old Russian lady would walk up to the newspaper stand every morning to buy the day's newspaper.
And each time, she would look at the front page of the newspaper, curse out loud and throw the newspaper away.
After many years of this, the man at the kiosk...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

A blonde was determined to prove people wrong

So she speaks to her husband about this after reading dozens of blond jokes.

“I’m fed up with this, I’ve never done something so stupid! I can do something to prove everyone wrong about blondes and what a better opportunity since we just moved into this house.”

Husband replies with a c...

Trying to help my grandad use the computer

and he asks me how to print something, told him to control P and he said he hasn't been able to do that for years!

Donald Trump calls Angela Merkel

"Angela", he said, "you need to help me! The biggest condom-factory in the US burnt down last night. We really need 1,000,000 condoms! Could you help us?"

"Sure", Angela said, "shouldn't be that much of a problem."

"The condoms must have the national colors of America. Red, blue and wh...

2,003 pigs

It’s a small town and not much happens most days, so the town newspaper prints pretty much every little story. But the editor just can’t believe it one day when the new farmer down the road says that his truck ran into a ditch and killed 2,003 pigs. He sends his reporter out to the farm to check it...

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15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran

It’s called Prints of Persia

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