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Print Jokes

My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun.

I wasn’t impressed, I’ve had a Canon printer for years!
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I think Unilever should print little government conspiracies on their cotton swabs.

They could call them “Q tips”
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A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...
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If Government can print money

Then why are we paying taxes?!?
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?

A hard copy

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!
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The expiry date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

there should be a spoiler alert
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

How do you follow Will Smith in a snow storm?

You follow the fresh prints.
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Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
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Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia
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So a guy was making counterfeit money and accidently prints $21 bills.

He decides he could go to a small town gas station where the cashier isn't too bright and see about exchanging them for real cash. He gets there and asks the cashier for his change and the cashier responds "Not a problem. Do you want 7 - $3 bills or 3 - $7 bills?"
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My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
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Which designer fashion brand would never print their name on panties?

The Gap
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3D printing is a lot like having sex.

First you have to clean your nozzle. Then you have to warm things up. And finally you have to keep just the right heat and speed. And if you mess up all you get is a disappointing mess.

What does the cake say at the government printing office retirement party?

This cake intentionally left blank
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A man’s printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.

A friendly young man informed him, “Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.”

Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, “Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage...
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3D printers are now printing guns...

That’s nothing though. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
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I've invented a machine that prints money.

I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....


It makes no cents.
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I'd like to rent a pueblo style building and open a business selling photographic prints.

It will be called: Adobe Photo Shop
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My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*
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A guy calls Newspaper office to print death news of his Grandpa.

Clerk: $50 per word…
Guy: Grandpa Dead
Clerk: Sorry Sir, Minimum 5 words required…
Guy: “Grandpa Dead, Wheelchair for Sale”
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The female washroom had a lip print problem.

Everyday the popular girls went to the washroom and left lipstick prints on the mirrors, causing a hassle for the janitor.

So he thought of a plan and discussed it with a teacher.

One day he invited the offenders to the washroom.

“Everyday after school I need to clean these l...
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Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.

It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.
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I don't see any reason not to print more money.

Tell me one and I'll give you a Trillion Zimbabwe Dollars.
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Waiter! Why does my dessert have a shoe print in it?

Sir, you did say "Apple pie and step on it!"
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Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.
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All Swedish battleships have a UPC code printed on the hull.

When the ships return to port, it helps them Scandinavian.
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Why do old people print so slowly?

They can't Ctrl P
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I tried to print a Phishing email

Now my printer wont stop jamming.
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I saw fresh prints in the snow

Wonder what he was doing so far from Bel Air.
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I recently bought a corset with a dollar-bill print on it.

I think everyone else likes it as much as I do, because whenever I show them a picture of me wearing it they say 'what a waist of money!'
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

A long-time rabbi has always wanted to try pork, but never seemed to find an print to do so.

One day, he finally gets a chance by boarding a plane and traveling first class to a 5- star restaurant in Florida that offers the best pork the world's had to offer.
The rabbi gets to the restaurant, orders his food, and minutes later, the waist brings out a perfect golden swine, cooked to perf...
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Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:

1. Weigh less than the animals they represent

2.

3.
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I 3D printed a tree branch today

It's PLA stick
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My old office finally threw away those old printing machines and bought new ones.

I couldn't give a fax anymore.
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I don’t mind camo print clothing...

I just can’t see myself wearing it.
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The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the senator wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."
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I head into my office to print something out, but the printer is out of paper...

I got some paper to refill it, and that's when I noticed something interesting. The paper company was advertising it's social media accounts... I wondered what the Paper Company was doing with an Instagram account so I decided to check them out. Turns out a large percentage of their posts were about...
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After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed.

They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...”

I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”
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Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or


Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.
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A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture…

…when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses.

He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd l...
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A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide.

Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"

Man: "Well, it's a long story."
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't you print money on shuttlecocks?

That's badminton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been giving my friends t shirts with photos of them printed on it for their birthdays.

Half of them think it's hilarious, and half of them tell me how the fuck did I get this picture of them sleeping.

I was in the store and the teller had a shirt with figure eight knots printed on it…

I told her, “That’s a very knotty shirt you have on”.

I don’t know what was more classic, the look on her face or my son when he screamed, “Dad!” As I just pointed at the shirt.
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...
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Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...
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STILL PRINTING

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille.

I used to rub the dirty parts.

What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France.

Sacre' T's
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I tried printing something in 4D

but I ran out of time.
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Do you know why newspapers don't print the pictures of all criminals?

They would run out of black ink
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Did you condoms have a fortune printed on them like a fortune cookie?

NO? Oh! Well you've probably never unrolled one all the way.
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Fresh Foot Prints!

A Californian went out to follow up a grizzly bear and was gone three days. Then he turned up without his game.

“Lost the trail, Bill, I suppose”, said one of his cronies.

“Naw, I kept on the trail alright “

“Then ,what is the matter?”

“Wall, the footprints was getting to...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend has a condition whereby he gets sexually aroused by "small print".

He's coming to terms with it.

Did you hear about the guy who was run over in a freak steamroller incident in a printing shop?

He made quite a splash across the headlines, but left a good impression on paper

Badoom pssshhh
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The euro is being re-printed

on greece proof paper
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What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?

A copy cat :)
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I'm going to be opening a store that sells cow print socks

One for your left foot, one for the udder
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Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?

He was getting a head of himself
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At a clothing store, I came across some fancy shirts with "CORONA" printed on them

There were just a few Casual Tees.
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Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes printed on the side of all thier ships?

So when they come back to port they can just Scandinavian.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations....

.....I got off on a technicality

I bought a book titled "What secrets lie behind the printed word"

Its just blank paper.
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A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...
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An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...
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When you have an “I hate my job” day…

Try this out:

Stop at your local pharmacy, goto their thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, change into your comfy clothes, sit on your favourite ch...
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