UPJOKE
googleivy leagueandroidmark zuckerbergwebsitehackerdublinmyspacesmartphonecaliforniatwittercorporationcopyrightsharesstanford

Facebook Jokes

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

Don't go on Tinder

Go to Facebook marketplace....and search for wedding dresses.

It will show you recently divorced females.

From there you can filter by size.

I joined a local scat group on Facebook recently who said they were having a meet up

Once I showed up and saw what they were doing to each other, I realized my mistake and skiddy-be-bop-a-do’d out of there as fast as I could.

I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

I read on Facebook there is a Canadian political party leader that everyone loves

It's probably not tru-deau

My dad posted this to Facebook

An Irishman, Mick, was on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.” He had already won 500,000 euros. “You’ve done very well,” said the presenter, “but for a million euros, you’ve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. “Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? A) Sparrow B) Thrush C) Ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at an important job interview today..

"Are you on facebook?" I was asked.

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your fucking phone away, will you!?"

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

A Pole-ish joke

Two engineers…….

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, ...

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

When I was young, I decided to go to medical school…

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange the letters:

P N E I S

to form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on Facebook.

What does the letter “p” in Facebook stand for?

Privacy!

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a girl on facebook just said "letting everything out hurts"

so i commented " yeah im takin a shit too"

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account...

I just walk around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times...

I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.

In an effort to provide a calmer and more peaceful experience, Mark Zuckerberg is renaming and reformatting Facebook...

He's going to call it: Metastasis.

Facebook marketplace is the best place to get an immediate response to what your selling.

Is it still available?

Facebook has changed its company name to Meta

Presumably because they've never Meta hate group they wanted to silence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

Joke I read on Facebook a few years ago.

A man came into a shop with a
'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I- I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,"

said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s...

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Metamucil changes its name to Facebookmucil

CEO admits the move was difficult, since both firms deliver crap.

Priests nowadays...

...have embraced technology. The have youtube channels, twitter, facebook and instagram accounts. And they just don't exorcise anymore, they uninstall demos.

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

Free speech in China

Here is a joke I posted on r/Sino that got me banned from there:

A liberal Western bourgeois bohemian meets with a capitalist Chinese Maoist Communist in a bar. The Western liberal brags to the Chinese communist that in her country, she has so much free speech that she can stream videos to m...

A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test. He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess. When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".


[Source (Not OP, I don't think)](https://www.facebook.com/groups...

One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...

It'll be called YouTwitFace.

guys are all like “i want a crazy gf”

then all of a sudden they’re all mad at you like “how did you find my location” “why are you stalking my kindergarten girlfriends mom on facebook” “you can’t chain me up and force me to be your boyfriend”

like omfg pick a side

I'm really worried about the Facebook hack.

The thought of random strangers having access to my personal details creeps me out.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him a...

Damn Social media

Facebook wants to know "What's on my mind?"
Twitter wants to know "What's happening?"
Google wants to know "Where I am?"
Siri/Alexa wants me to "Say something"!
Damn, the internet is turning into an online wife!

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

Teacher can you punish me for something i didn't do?

No, goes the teacher

Good, because I didn't do homework
Just a joke from Facebook (im not a comedian)

“meta” mates

Facebook employees are now > Metamates.
LinkedIn > Inmates.
Amazon > Primates.
Tinder > Intimates.
ServiceNow > Nowmates.
Snowflake > Snowmates.
Postmates > Postmatemates.

Years ago my Ex used to get Facebook & Myspace mixed up

She kept telling her friends to “Come onto MyFace, everyone is doing it”

You tell me Facebook is toxic

If you’ve got a better way to whack off to your coworkers I’d love to hear it.

This Facebook & Instagram being down is so frustrating

I had to drive to 30 different peoples houses to find out what they had for dinner and to find out why COVID is fake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A serial killer goes on a killing spree

He then skins all the faces off his victim and puts them in giant scrapbook.


The scrapbook is then tied to a post which he erects on his front lawn. It is quite a gruesome sight to behold.


Naturally the police find him pretty easily.


When he gets to court though his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Facebook company has changed its name to Meta

This reminds me of the time I was at a function with Mark Zuckerberg.

I Meta morally corrupt, reptile looking asshole.

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around....

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

Who sent Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel a friend request on Facebook

Darkness.

Tinder is just like facebook.

I’d like to think I’m cute but my grandma’s the only one on there who agrees.

I posted some misinformation about Vietnamese cuisine on Facebook

Now i regret. I should've known they'd banh mi for that.

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

Linkedin is becoming like Facebook nowadays!!!

Except Hot women are sending connection requests to IT Nerds...

I wanted to manscape...

And decided to use the camera on my phone as a mirror.

It was all going great until I started getting likes on facebook.

What's different between Red Lobster and Facebook ?

At Red Lobster, the servers are responding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

Someone made a post saying 'Privacy is Important'...

...the post was on Facebook

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s common between smoking and eating pussy?

The flavor changes when you reach the butt.


Source: Facebook

Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail?

Because they give out shorter sentences

What's the difference between Facebook and a woman?

Facebook actually went down on me.

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

5 years ago, I messaged a random person on Facebook, asking for a date. Today, I asked them to marry me.

They said no both times.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

A cop sees a car parked in the local Lover's Lane with the windows all steamed up.

He goes over and taps on the window. The guy inside rolls it down.

The cop looks inside and sees the fellow sitting behind the wheel, fully dressed. There's a young lady sitting in the back seat, also fully dressed.

The cop says, "What are you doing out here?"

Guy says, "I'm wat...

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The American flag used to be a symbol for freedom and liberty...

But now it means, "Oh yeah. This person is about to say some real dumb shit on Facebook".

Two sisters

There were once two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because just after you were born, a petal fell on you."

"Bllaaarrarararraraaarg", says Fridge from the corner.





Edit: neat...

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.

I started a Facebook group for people who love bicycling

But apparently nobody wants to join the Pedalphiles.

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfec...

My son just walked into the room,

And he asked me “ father why do people lie about what their children say on Facebook? All the scenarios are completely fake!”
And I responded “ holy hell! My dog can talk!”

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Why does Voldemort prefer Instagram over Facebook?

'Cause he has only followers and no friends.

A Facebook user walks into a bar...

He orders a shot, takes it, then proceeds to tell the whole bar about it. Then, he gets upset at everyone that doesn't want to take shots with him.

My friend posted in facebook '#prayforafghanistan. Save them from Taliban'

I replied ' if anything that Taliban does better than us, it's praying '

A possible reason for the facebook outage

Bruno Fernandes' penalty had hit the satellite

When Olivia was 24 years old, her parents gave her a kitten for her birthday. The following year, Olivia broke up with her lover, and her lover's two year old tabby cat ended up staying with Olivia.

The following year, the tabby gave birth to six kittens. A year after that, Olivia adopted an orphaned black cat she saw on Facebook. Three years later 2 stray cats moved into her apartment. How many cats does Olivia have by the age of 30?


Enough to stay single forever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Updating a classic for modern times [long]

When the news of covid hit Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me."


Well when lock downs started Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me". And she continued to see her friends, and be rude to restaurant staff when she got take out and show up to places tha...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.