An old school friend messaged me on Facebook saying I could get rich by selling Egyptian artefacts

Turned out it was just a pyramid scheme

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Who sent Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel a friend request on Facebook

Darkness.

My friend posted in facebook '#prayforafghanistan. Save them from Taliban'

I replied ' if anything that Taliban does better than us, it's praying '

Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail?

Because they give out shorter sentences

My mate just deleted his Facebook account

We will not see his likes again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

A Facebook user walks into a bar...

He orders a shot, takes it, then proceeds to tell the whole bar about it. Then, he gets upset at everyone that doesn't want to take shots with him.

What is an example of a Facebook paradox?

Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

Someone made a post saying 'Privacy is Important'...

...the post was on Facebook

A cop sees a car parked in the local Lover's Lane with the windows all steamed up.

He goes over and taps on the window. The guy inside rolls it down.

The cop looks inside and sees the fellow sitting behind the wheel, fully dressed. There's a young lady sitting in the back seat, also fully dressed.

The cop says, "What are you doing out here?"

Guy says, "I'm wat...

How can you tell if someone doesn't have Facebook?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Facebook: I know everything.

Google: I control everything.

Internet: Without me both of you are useless.


Charger: Shhhhhh keep quiet!!!

Why does Voldemort prefer Instagram over Facebook?

'Cause he has only followers and no friends.

One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...

It'll be called YouTwitFace.

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

Facebook's launching its own cryptocurrency next year called Libra...

missed opportunity to call it zuck buck

I saw a Facebook post from an old friend the other day

He’d been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. He’d been a smoker all his life so I wasn’t too surprised. Everyone was commenting on the post and wishing him well, but I decided to go out of my way to show him I really cared. First, I called the local market and had them send a basket of pears to ...

I started a Facebook group for people who love bicycling

But apparently nobody wants to join the Pedalphiles.

I heard Facebook was going to get broken up...

...so I've already claimed Eyebook, Nosebook, and Mouthbook dot com.

What does /r/Jokes and Facebook have in common?

Users both repost stuff from Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s common between smoking and eating pussy?

The flavor changes when you reach the butt.


Source: Facebook

Whats Forrest Gump's Facebook password?

1forrest1

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already...

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

My wife complained that my life revolves around Facebook and it has destroyed the way we communicate.

So I've blocked her.

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

Someone wrote on Facebook...

My pizza's burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend's pregnant.

A friend replied, "It seems you can't take anything out on time."

What do you call Facebook in Russia?

Socialist

If Facebook has proven one thing in 2020

it’s that Black likes matter.

I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said

I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!

I've changed my Facebook name to Nobody

Now when I Like something it will say "Nobody likes this".

Facebook keeps suggesting that I watch videos of former American Vice Presidents dancing.

All to do with the Al Gore rhythms, apparently.

I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month.

Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.

My friend on Facebook who always posted the stupidest things faked his death. He’s back.

Now all he does is postmortem things.

Did you know that Facebook IQ tests can actually tell a lot about your intelligence?

If you believe the results, it means you're not very intelligent.

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.

Facebook is where you find people who studied with you in school

Twitter is where you find people you wish you studied with in school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at an important job interview today..

"Are you on facebook?" I was asked.

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your fucking phone away, will you!?"

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him a...

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

My grandfather died while commenting on a Facebook post

I’ll not see the likes of him again

When Olivia was 24 years old, her parents gave her a kitten for her birthday. The following year, Olivia broke up with her lover, and her lover's two year old tabby cat ended up staying with Olivia.

The following year, the tabby gave birth to six kittens. A year after that, Olivia adopted an orphaned black cat she saw on Facebook. Three years later 2 stray cats moved into her apartment. How many cats does Olivia have by the age of 30?


Enough to stay single forever.

If Facebook buys Gmail....

If Facebook buys Gmail then the 'mark as seen' option would be changed to 'Mark has seen'.

The CDC is warning people about biohazards in chimneys, but my dumb Facebook friends won't listen.

They keep saying "It's just the flue, bro."

I bought several books on how to overcome artificial intelligence.

I saw them advertised on my Facebook.

Why is reddit better than facebook and instagram?

Because you dont need a life to use it

Facebook is now hiring!

No need to apply, we already have all of your details.

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a Chinese-Nazi Facebook page

so far its got three reichs

People say Facebook knows more about us than we do

Facebook still thinks I have friends.

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”

Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?

I made a “Epstein didn’t kill himself” joke on Facebook today.....

I laughed, my friends laughed, the people involved with Epstein who are now going remain anonymous and never be punished laughed. Good times

My girlfriend asked me why I don't "Like" any of her Facebook pictures.

"Because my wife would kill me," I replied.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

My wife's friend had a baby...

She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented "Aww, what a little angle." I replied to my wife's comment "Ya, she's pretty acute."
I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya...

Facebook should change it’s name to..

reddit from 6 days ago

Santa saw your Facebook posts this year.

He’s gonna give you a dictionary.

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

I don’t know if Facebook has ever caused the lame to walk

but it has certainly caused the dumb to speak

WARNING to people on Facebook,

There is a link going round claiming to be a live performance from Chris Martin in his home, Do NOT click this link as it will take you to a live performance from Chris Martin in his home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I set up a Facebook page for Chinese nazis

It has 3 reichs

What's the difference between Reddit and Facebook?

About a day

You are hired at Facebook

Don't worry there is no interview. They have got your details.

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

What do you call a Facebook mom who coughs at her unvaccinated child?

A social media influenzer

I wanted to try and use Beef Stew for my Facebook password...

But it wasn't Stroganoff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Facebook views Reddit the same way newlyweds view child mine workers

They don't like to aknowledge their existence even though they're responsible for most of the cool shit they show off to their friends

If an old person looks through their Facebook timeline

You could say that the Elder Scrolls

What does the p in Facebook mean?

Privacy

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one'........

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now my wifes mad at me along with a lot of Facebook friends.

She posted"How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies, looked at you and thought the world need one of you too?"
And I commented everybody needs an asshole.

My friend showed me a meme he found on Facebook

I had seen that meme before on here, so i told him :



"I have already reddit"

Posted on my Facebook group that it's 40 below outside.

Some responded, is that Fahrenheit or Centigrade?

Facebook is like jail

You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
* 15 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
* 8 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
* 18 purists who use candles and are...

What is Barney's Facebook Password?

PleaseAndThankYou

They're the magic words.

Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

My kids don't have Facebook

So I will never know when their birthdays are.

If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day.

But she changed my password.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I posted an Asian Neo-Nazi post on facebook.

It's already got 50 reichs

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

How much time per day so you waste on Facebook?

2 hours.

How much time per day do you spend on Facebook?

I just told you 2 hours.

So you admit 100% of your Facebook time is wasted.

My ex made this Facebook status about how she feels like someone is watching her...

...but I’ve been following her around all week and I can guarantee no one is stalking her.

Senator: You said Facebook has cookies correct?

Zucc: Yes Senator that is correct, Facebook does use cookies.

Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?

Zucc: I’m sorry senator I don’t know wha...

Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*

Zucc: Senator I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

What do you call Post Malone when he's on Facebook by himself?

Post Alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

Bad Facebook...

...you ate all my cookies and gave away the recipe

Why did Jeff Epstein get off Facebook?

It turned 15 and he lost interest.

Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeño business.

(From facebook) my pet mouse Elvis just died.

He was 'caught in a trap'

My girlfriend is very upset at me for not making a girlfriends day post about her on Facebook.

But not as mad as my wife would be if she saw me post about my girlfriend on Facebook so it all works out.

What's the difference between a jail and Facebook?

Basically none.
You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.

If the world followed Facebook trends

The plumber would come with noodles instead of tools

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits.


Stolen from sickipedia but I have seen it 5 times and it still makes me smile, just wanted to share

The perfect AI

Some many years into the future...

Scientist : Yessss!!!! After years of work, I have finally created the perfect AI humanoid. This robot has its own brain and can think and do exactly like a human being. Can't wait to try it out.

He switches humanoid on and thinks of a challenging t...

If you shared on Facebook about a fence installation video you were editing...

Would that make it a post post post?

I found a book today that's all about selling your personal data for nefarious use

Facebook

Facebook was down. Then someone knocked on my door...

-it was a couple of my friends with dinner plates in their hands. They wanted me to see what they were having today.

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