Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

I started a Facebook group for people who love bicycling

But apparently nobody wants to join the Pedalphiles.

If Facebook has proven one thing in 2020

it’s that Black likes matter.

I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying "We value your privacy."

Well I know that. How else could you sell it?

Did you know that Facebook IQ tests can actually tell a lot about your intelligence?

If you believe the results, it means you're not very intelligent.

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

How can you tell if someone doesn't have Facebook?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

After a great late-night cup of coffee, the wife posted on Facebook, "Satisfied!"

The husband woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

Facebook keeps suggesting that I watch videos of former American Vice Presidents dancing.

All to do with the Al Gore rhythms, apparently.

My friend on Facebook who always posted the stupidest things faked his death. He’s back.

Now all he does is postmortem things.

The CDC is warning people about biohazards in chimneys, but my dumb Facebook friends won't listen.

They keep saying "It's just the flue, bro."

I've changed my Facebook name to Nobody

Now when I Like something it will say "Nobody likes this".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits his dentist and asks for a tooth removal

A man enters the dentist office and ask the dentist if he could have his tooth removed with no anesthesia used....the dentist answers that this will be very painful and no sane human would tolerate the pain from pulling the tooth out of its roots...

The man replies: "What about this, if I scr...

Facebook is where you find people who studied with you in school

Twitter is where you find people you wish you studied with in school.

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

My grandfather died while commenting on a Facebook post

I’ll not see the likes of him again

Facebook is now hiring!

No need to apply, we already have all of your details.

WARNING to people on Facebook,

There is a link going round claiming to be a live performance from Chris Martin in his home, Do NOT click this link as it will take you to a live performance from Chris Martin in his home.

Why is reddit better than facebook and instagram?

Because you dont need a life to use it

I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said

I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!

A Facebook friend of mine got arrested today

Dude's been posting about drug dealers.

Can't say I'm surprised, the writing was on the wall.

I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month.

Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.

Someone wrote on Facebook...

My pizza's burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend's pregnant.

A friend replied, "It seems you can't take anything out on time."

My wife complained that my life revolves around Facebook and it has destroyed the way we communicate.

So I've blocked her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found this amazing app that let's you find out which of your friends are racists, which ones are sexists and even which ones are just crazy.

It's called 'Facebook'.

Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

Why is Voldemort on Instagram but not in Facebook.

Because he has followers, not friends.

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

Santa saw your Facebook posts this year.

He’s gonna give you a dictionary.

If Facebook buys Gmail....

If Facebook buys Gmail then the 'mark as seen' option would be changed to 'Mark has seen'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was visiting the queen...

... when he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people ar...

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

I don’t know if Facebook has ever caused the lame to walk

but it has certainly caused the dumb to speak

Facebook: I know everything.

Google: I control everything.

Internet: Without me both of you are useless.


Charger: Shhhhhh keep quiet!!!

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

What do you call a Facebook mom who coughs at her unvaccinated child?

A social media influenzer

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

I wanted to try and use Beef Stew for my Facebook password...

But it wasn't Stroganoff.

You are hired at Facebook

Don't worry there is no interview. They have got your details.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Google really does spy on us

This is why I don't trust smartphones. My friend and I were talking about repairing his roof over the next week, because the recent storm took off a few portions. The next day I saw advertisements all over Facebook telling me there are hot shingles in my area looking to get nailed.

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now my wifes mad at me along with a lot of Facebook friends.

She posted"How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies, looked at you and thought the world need one of you too?"
And I commented everybody needs an asshole.

Facebook should change it’s name to..

reddit from 6 days ago

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a poem I heard from a friend

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Pornhub is down, your Facebook will do

What's the difference between you and Facebook?

You don't have all my information yet ;)

People say Facebook knows more about us than we do

Facebook still thinks I have friends.

My girlfriend asked me why I don't "Like" any of her Facebook pictures.

"Because my wife would kill me," I replied.

My kids don't have Facebook

So I will never know when their birthdays are.

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.

How much time per day so you waste on Facebook?

2 hours.

How much time per day do you spend on Facebook?

I just told you 2 hours.

So you admit 100% of your Facebook time is wasted.

Why did Jeff Epstein get off Facebook?

It turned 15 and he lost interest.

What is Barney's Facebook Password?

PleaseAndThankYou

They're the magic words.

What does the p in Facebook mean?

Privacy

If an old person looks through their Facebook timeline

You could say that the Elder Scrolls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a Chinese-Nazi Facebook page

so far its got three reichs

(From facebook) my pet mouse Elvis just died.

He was 'caught in a trap'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BECOMING AMERICAN

Two Saudi brothers come to America and one buys a house on the west coast and the other on the east coast. They are so excited about being Americans and during their goodbyes they make a $10,000 bet: in two months they will meet again and the one that is the most American wins.

Two months pas...

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

My friend showed me a meme he found on Facebook

I had seen that meme before on here, so i told him :



"I have already reddit"

My ex made this Facebook status about how she feels like someone is watching her...

...but I’ve been following her around all week and I can guarantee no one is stalking her.

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

Posted on my Facebook group that it's 40 below outside.

Some responded, is that Fahrenheit or Centigrade?

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I posted an Asian Neo-Nazi post on Facebook.

It's already got 50 reichs

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”

Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?

best way to speak to yr wife at home?

send her a message on facebook

If the world followed Facebook trends

The plumber would come with noodles instead of tools

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "H...

Senator: You said Facebook has cookies correct?

Zucc: Yes Senator that is correct, Facebook does use cookies.

Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?

Zucc: I’m sorry senator I don’t know wha...

Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*

Zucc: Senator I...

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

What do you call Post Malone when he's on Facebook by himself?

Post Alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I set up a Facebook page for Chinese nazis

It has 3 reichs

Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeño business.

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one'........

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that a clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings?

But there's nothing more sensitive than a vegan on facebook.

A man stopped me in the street yesterday

And asked "what grooming products do you use?"

"Haribo's and Facebook works every time" I said.

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
* 15 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
* 8 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
* 18 purists who use candles and are...

Facebook is like jail

You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know

I was at an important job interview today, when they asked me if I was on Facebook…

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your phone away, will you!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Facebook views Reddit the same way newlyweds view child mine workers

They don't like to aknowledge their existence even though they're responsible for most of the cool shit they show off to their friends

What's the difference between a jail and Facebook?

Basically none.
You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.

If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day.

But she changed my password.

Facebook Friends . . .

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures o...

Social distancing

I logged on to Facebook the other day only to post on my daughter's wall that she's a horrible dancer.
She asked why I would do such a thing.
I told her because I heard we were supposed to be "social diss dancing"

Day 5 of Quarantine:

I got so bored that I checked out all of the profiles on Facebook. 2 of my friends have the same boyfriend.

Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

One buzzword in today’s business world is “Marketing”

Courtesy of a friend via email; this is a quick 'primer' on Marketing....
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, OK, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing....

Bad Facebook...

...you ate all my cookies and gave away the recipe

Facebook is creating a dating site

They should call it DataFarmersOnly

Why did the electrician join Facebook?

So he could post his current status.

Mothers on Facebook. Full time mummy is not a job.

Only Tutankhamun can claim that...

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