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Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

Now that Facebook changed their name to Meta, FAANG is not longer a valid abbreviation of the biggest 5 tech companies.

I'd like to suggest MANGA

Facebook has changed its company name to Meta

Presumably because they've never Meta hate group they wanted to silence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

Years ago my Ex used to get Facebook & Myspace mixed up

She kept telling her friends to “Come onto MyFace, everyone is doing it”

I posted some misinformation about Vietnamese cuisine on Facebook

Now i regret. I should've known they'd banh mi for that.

Tinder is just like facebook.

I’d like to think I’m cute but my grandma’s the only one on there who agrees.

You tell me Facebook is toxic

If you’ve got a better way to whack off to your coworkers I’d love to hear it.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

I'm really worried about the Facebook hack.

The thought of random strangers having access to my personal details creeps me out.

What's the difference between Facebook and a woman?

Facebook actually went down on me.

An old school friend messaged me on Facebook saying I could get rich by selling Egyptian artefacts

Turned out it was just a pyramid scheme

Linkedin is becoming like Facebook nowadays!!!

Except Hot women are sending connection requests to IT Nerds...

Facebook is now Meta

What is the only Meta product worth using?
>!Mucil!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A serial killer goes on a killing spree

He then skins all the faces off his victim and puts them in giant scrapbook.


The scrapbook is then tied to a post which he erects on his front lawn. It is quite a gruesome sight to behold.


Naturally the police find him pretty easily.


When he gets to court though his ...

What's different between Red Lobster and Facebook ?

At Red Lobster, the servers are responding.

Teacher can you punish me for something i didn't do?

No, goes the teacher

Good, because I didn't do homework
Just a joke from Facebook (im not a comedian)

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already...

This Facebook & Instagram being down is so frustrating

I had to drive to 30 different peoples houses to find out what they had for dinner and to find out why COVID is fake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Facebook company has changed its name to Meta

This reminds me of the time I was at a function with Mark Zuckerberg.

I Meta morally corrupt, reptile looking asshole.

5 years ago, I messaged a random person on Facebook, asking for a date. Today, I asked them to marry me.

They said no both times.

Who sent Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel a friend request on Facebook

Darkness.

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

A possible reason for the facebook outage

Bruno Fernandes' penalty had hit the satellite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Metamucil changes its name to Facebookmucil

CEO admits the move was difficult, since both firms deliver crap.

Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail?

Because they give out shorter sentences

guys are all like “i want a crazy gf”

then all of a sudden they’re all mad at you like “how did you find my location” “why are you stalking my kindergarten girlfriends mom on facebook” “you can’t chain me up and force me to be your boyfriend”

like omfg pick a side

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

I started a Facebook group for people who love bicycling

But apparently nobody wants to join the Pedalphiles.

My mate just deleted his Facebook account

We will not see his likes again.

Whats Forrest Gump's Facebook password?

1forrest1

How can you tell if someone doesn't have Facebook?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

My friend posted in facebook '#prayforafghanistan. Save them from Taliban'

I replied ' if anything that Taliban does better than us, it's praying '

A Facebook user walks into a bar...

He orders a shot, takes it, then proceeds to tell the whole bar about it. Then, he gets upset at everyone that doesn't want to take shots with him.

“meta” mates

Facebook employees are now > Metamates
LinkedIn > Inmates
Amazon > Primates
Tinder > Intimates
ServiceNow > Nowmates
Snowflake > Snowmates
Postmates > Postmatemates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

Facebook: I know everything.

Google: I control everything.

Internet: Without me both of you are useless.


Charger: Shhhhhh keep quiet!!!

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

Why does Voldemort prefer Instagram over Facebook?

'Cause he has only followers and no friends.

One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...

It'll be called YouTwitFace.

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

What is an example of a Facebook paradox?

Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers

Facebook's launching its own cryptocurrency next year called Libra...

missed opportunity to call it zuck buck

I saw a Facebook post from an old friend the other day

He’d been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. He’d been a smoker all his life so I wasn’t too surprised. Everyone was commenting on the post and wishing him well, but I decided to go out of my way to show him I really cared. First, I called the local market and had them send a basket of pears to ...

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.

I heard Facebook was going to get broken up...

...so I've already claimed Eyebook, Nosebook, and Mouthbook dot com.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a Chinese-Nazi Facebook page

so far its got three reichs

I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month.

Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.

My wife complained that my life revolves around Facebook and it has destroyed the way we communicate.

So I've blocked her.

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

If Facebook has proven one thing in 2020

it’s that Black likes matter.

What does /r/Jokes and Facebook have in common?

Users both repost stuff from Reddit.

What do you call Facebook in Russia?

Socialist

I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said

I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!

If Facebook buys Gmail....

If Facebook buys Gmail then the 'mark as seen' option would be changed to 'Mark has seen'.

I've changed my Facebook name to Nobody

Now when I Like something it will say "Nobody likes this".

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”

Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?

People say Facebook knows more about us than we do

Facebook still thinks I have friends.

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

Did you know that Facebook IQ tests can actually tell a lot about your intelligence?

If you believe the results, it means you're not very intelligent.

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

My grandfather died while commenting on a Facebook post

I’ll not see the likes of him again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I set up a Facebook page for Chinese nazis

It has 3 reichs

Facebook keeps suggesting that I watch videos of former American Vice Presidents dancing.

All to do with the Al Gore rhythms, apparently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Discussing” politics on FaceBook is like poking a hornet’s nest...

...all pain, no reward, and a bunch of pissed off hard-asses

My girlfriend asked me why I don't "Like" any of her Facebook pictures.

"Because my wife would kill me," I replied.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

Why is reddit better than facebook and instagram?

Because you dont need a life to use it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Facebook views Reddit the same way newlyweds view child mine workers

They don't like to aknowledge their existence even though they're responsible for most of the cool shit they show off to their friends

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

Someone wrote on Facebook...

My pizza's burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend's pregnant.

A friend replied, "It seems you can't take anything out on time."

I don’t know if Facebook has ever caused the lame to walk

but it has certainly caused the dumb to speak

I wanted to manscape...

And decided to use the camera on my phone as a mirror.

It was all going great until I started getting likes on facebook.

I was at an important job interview today, when they asked me if I was on Facebook…

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your phone away, will you!?"

The CDC is warning people about biohazards in chimneys, but my dumb Facebook friends won't listen.

They keep saying "It's just the flue, bro."

Facebook is now hiring!

No need to apply, we already have all of your details.

Facebook should change it’s name to..

reddit from 6 days ago

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one'........

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'

I made a “Epstein didn’t kill himself” joke on Facebook today.....

I laughed, my friends laughed, the people involved with Epstein who are now going remain anonymous and never be punished laughed. Good times

Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

What does the p in Facebook mean?

Privacy

Facebook is like jail

You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know

My son just walked into the room,

And he asked me “ father why do people lie about what their children say on Facebook? All the scenarios are completely fake!”
And I responded “ holy hell! My dog can talk!”

Santa saw your Facebook posts this year.

He’s gonna give you a dictionary.

If an old person looks through their Facebook timeline

You could say that the Elder Scrolls

If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day.

But she changed my password.

You are hired at Facebook

Don't worry there is no interview. They have got your details.

What do you call a Facebook mom who coughs at her unvaccinated child?

A social media influenzer

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
* 15 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
* 8 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
* 18 purists who use candles and are...

WARNING to people on Facebook,

There is a link going round claiming to be a live performance from Chris Martin in his home, Do NOT click this link as it will take you to a live performance from Chris Martin in his home.

Posted on my Facebook group that it's 40 below outside.

Some responded, is that Fahrenheit or Centigrade?

My friend showed me a meme he found on Facebook

I had seen that meme before on here, so i told him :



"I have already reddit"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I posted an Asian Neo-Nazi post on facebook.

It's already got 50 reichs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits.


Stolen from sickipedia but I have seen it 5 times and it still makes me smile, just wanted to share

I wanted to try and use Beef Stew for my Facebook password...

But it wasn't Stroganoff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now my wifes mad at me along with a lot of Facebook friends.

She posted"How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies, looked at you and thought the world need one of you too?"
And I commented everybody needs an asshole.

What is Barney's Facebook Password?

PleaseAndThankYou

They're the magic words.

Why did Jeff Epstein get off Facebook?

It turned 15 and he lost interest.

Senator: You said Facebook has cookies correct?

Zucc: Yes Senator that is correct, Facebook does use cookies.

Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?

Zucc: I’m sorry senator I don’t know wha...

Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*

Zucc: Senator I...

Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeño business.

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

What's the difference between a jail and Facebook?

Basically none.
You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.

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