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Ebay Jokes

eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

My son was on eBay this morning.

Child services were not impressed with me.

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A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive”
Kevin replies “huge”
Then the bloke says “how many feet”
Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”

eBay

Looks like it will be a good Christmas. I sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 10th time.

I recently bought a car on ebay that used to be owned by Bonnie Tyler.

It's terrible.

Every now and then it falls apart.

Ebay needs to step their game up.

I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.

I came home and found that my wife has been on Ebay the whole day.

If she's still on there tomorrow, I'd have to lower the price.

I bought a shirt and some neckwear from Ebay that used to belong to the guy from the Mamas & the Papas

All the sleeves are brown and the tie is gray

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

Ebay is way to hard to use

I searched for lighters, and all I got was 71,274 matches.

I’ve decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay

Imagine all the PayPal!

I searched on eBay for something to light my candles with...

It said, "No matches found"

Went on eBay to look for a lighter

But I found was 100,437 matches

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Be careful of fake eBay sites.

Warning to all men about about a fake eBay site.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $95 + postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, ...

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I just spent $50 on Ebay for a penis enlarger

Those bastards sent me a magnifying glass

Ebay

Sold some stuff to the Pope on eBay. I knew it was him, he used his papal account!!

Man I’ve really had it with Ebay

I’ve had it with eBay! Every time I order chicken pellets they email me asking for their feed back!

Found a used tv on eBay

It looked decent only thing was that the volume was stuck on full. Was only a fiver, couldn’t turn it down

Ebay is great!

I just ordered a chicken and an egg. We shall see what one comes first.

I got scammed on eBay today

I ordered a pound of cure. Box they sent me only contained an ounce of prevention.

I bought a book on eBay called "How to Scam on eBay".

It still hasn't arrived.

I tried to sell my savings account on eBay

But I didn't get much interest.

I got on Ebay last night and ordered a chicken and an egg

I'll let y'all know what happens.

I just put my vacuum cleaner on eBay

Well, it was just collecting dust.

The dictionary I ordered on eBay had only blank pages

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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An 18 year old supermodel is selling her virginity on eBay

For the low price of $80,000 you can have the worst sex of your life

Mom#1- That’s it. I’m done. I’m selling the kid on eBay

Mom#2- Don’t be crazy. You made him. That goes on Etsy

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

Today I got lost in eBay

It felt like the Amazon in there

I’m going to tell you a joke about eBay

You will get it the next year or so...

Ebay

You have got to love Ebay

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

I hear someone joke about selling their kid on eBay and I was appalled.

You made that child! They are a product of your creation!
.
.
.
It should be on Etsy instead.

Whatever you do, don't buy anything from eBay seller xx_Anna_xx

My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her. When the bag arrived, turned out to be snake skin... Anna conned her.

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Ebay products are like sex

You look at it online a lot but never see it in real life

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I´ve just put all my old dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.

Haven´t had any bids yet, but there are 12 people watching!

Selling Paul Walker's keyboard on ebay ( $100 )

Disclaimer: it's missing a key ( previous owner lost CTRL ).

I always save my eBay shopping for after I come back from 4/20

That way I'm always the highest bidder

Well, I just got a very bitter complaint that the polo mallet I sold on ebay was too short

I told him to get off his high horse

I used to buy second hand ballet equipment from ebay

I still do but I used tutu.

What is it called when you bid on a bunch of crow eggs on Ebay?

Attempted murder.

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I wish prostitutes would learn a lesson from eBay

...and do away with insertion fees.

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Tried to buy a Charlie Brown LP on ebay and got a Davy Jones album instead.

You know what they say.

You pay Peanuts, you get Monkees.

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I spent £96 on eBay today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

It was the grater of two evils.

My grandfather has a French rifle from WW2 for sale on eBay

The description reads "never fired. Dropped once "

eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

What does the cannibal do after eating his vegetables?

Goes to eBay to see what he can sell the wheelchairs for.

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Saw a tv for sale on eBay for £5. Only problem was the volume button was broken.....

How can I turn that down?

What's the difference between a proclamation from the Vatican and a mail-order husband from ebay?

One's a papal mandate and the other's a paypal man-date.

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Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-ass neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble set.

So I sold it on Ebay as a Welsh edition.

My broken heart

Think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me. I was seeing this amazing woman up until last year. Now I absolutely adored this girl, and would do anything for her. But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist. Not to brag, but I co...

I caught my twelve-year-old son.......

looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey.

"That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.

"Not on eBay it isn't!" I said.

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I must get my dyslexia sorted out.

I bought a car off ebay last week with no reserve.


The fucking thing won't go backwards.

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TV for Sale

I just saw a TV for sale on EBay.

The listing said "40 inch HD TV for sale - good working order, £100 - volume button is stuck on full"

I thought 'I can't turn that down....'

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My Pope joke effort

Tried to buy some of the second hand stuff the Pope's selling on Vatican eBay but the payment service is down. Fucking Papal.

Have you heard about Terry the tractor lover?

He was the ultimate tractor enthusiast, his bedroom was plastered with tractor posters, his bed was adorned with a tractor bed spread, tractor toys littered the floor and tractor maintenance DVDs dominated his shelves.

Shortly after Terry's 18th birthday (where he of course had a tractor bir...

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So a finance professional is traveling to Goldman Sachs to be interviewed for an internship, and he has lost his way...

He asks a man in passing, "Hey, do you know the way to Goldman Sachs from here?" The man nods and says, "Yes, just take the next left, travel one block, and it will be on your right." The first man thanks him and is on his way.

Sure enough, he comes to a magnificent building coated in gold p...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

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