UPJOKE
flowelectric currentstreamliveongoingnewcontemporarytopicalmodernnowincumbentpresentcurrentnesstorrenteddy

Current Jokes

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

I’m currently writing this from the hospital.

But don’t worry! Doctors said I should be fine. However, I feel I should warn you that “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a very misleading name.

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

What does current AI identify as?

If/Then

I’m currently in a love triangle

I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

I'm currently reading a book about antigravity.

I can't seem to put it down.

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

What’s Mozart’s current occupation?

Decomposer

Trained an AI to do my taxes. Currently residing in a jail cell.

Shouldn't have fed it Al Capone's tax filings.

Due to the current energy crisis

The light on the end of the tunnel has been turned off

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

I'm not sure about the current US government

Kinda feels like they're just Biden time until the next election..

A political party promising free beer are currently third in the polls in Austria...

A tonic wine party was tried in Scotland, but people thought it was a con, with the organisers just trying to make a Buckfast

My six year old’s current favorite joke:

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who’s there?

Him: Interrupting pirate.

Me: Interrupting pira...

Him: Arrrrrrgggh!!!

Apparently this is a current Russian joke: What is the title of Tolstoy's main work?

It's "Special operation and peace".

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

A new gym opened near me. They are currently going door to door signing up new members.

It's called Jehovah's Fitness.

The current U.S. Secretary of State and the 16th U.S. president have something in common…

They’re both a Blinken

How does Ye explain his current problems to his kid?

“North West, I am sorry to say that my career is going south.”

Current political meetings

Ministers said to have considered three options during yesterday's cabinet meeting, thought to be Stilton, Wensleydale and Brie.

I’m currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.

It’s an autobiography.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am currently renting a really crappy furnished apartment.

All the appliances suck.

Except the vacuum cleaner.

Volkswagen and Toyota are building an EV for the current generation

It will be called ID. Yota

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was alarmed to find out that currently there is a tampon shortage in the US.

I said, “Someone needs to pull some strings.”

An electrical current joins the air force

He was too afraid to fly over enemy ohmland because he was worried he'd be grounded.

I am driving through England currently and plan to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in The Mean Time.

3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old

Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.

Cake Day. My current go-to jokes

My two current go-to jokes:
1. Why is a broken drum the best gift? Because you can’t beat it.

2. Me: Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who’s left?

Them: Repeat.

Me: Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who’s left?

Them: Repeat.

Me: Pete ...

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

With the current international situation, you'd think that the Russian Tea Rooms in New York would be experiencing a downturn in business. Quite the contrary, business is so good, they've expanded...

...into the Ukrainian Village Restaurant on 2nd Ave.

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia

In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and ju...

The current state of affairs...

Legal, but highly immoral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I found out I was sexually attracted to electrical currents

Yeah, shocking

Kim Jong Un is currently..

The Shrodingers cat of dictators.

There’s an equation to describe the magnetic field generated by a constant current

But everyone says it’s BS

I feel bad for current college students...

Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

One guy started wearing a vest that had the current time on either side.

It got him a few weird looks, as the vest wasn't all that attractive, and he wouldn't be able to see the time on the vest. Finally, after a few days, someone asked him about it.

"I figured that this way, " the man answered. "Time would always be on my side."

I cut some ones grass today. my usual price is £10 but due to the current inflation rate of 3.4%..

It cost £20

Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

How can you tell a Futurama fan by asking them about the current state of Covid?

They can correctly pronounce Omicron

A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...

The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.


They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.


Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch so...

Law Professor: “You’re currently failing your ethics course.”

Me: _slides a $20 note across the table_ “How about now?”
Professor: _pockets the note_ “Still failing.”
Me: “OK, can I have my $20 back?”
Professor: “What $20?”

"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked. I said, "All of them."

What would Hemingway call our current political nightmare?

Old men and disease

When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

From the current state of America. The movie Joker was

ahead of the curve

so I am currently working on a new Cologne as a little side project! it's aimed specifically at introverts, and while I don't have a definitive smell, I got the name down.

"Leave Me The Fuh Cologne"

Locksmiths still have to do their jobs, despite the current pandemic

They are key workers, after all.

I'm currently dating a utilitarian.

She knows that I'd rather not, but she insists we date anyway.

How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?

One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ex boyfriend meets with the current boyfriend of that girl.

**Ex**: Hey bro, how does it feel like to fuck a used pussy?

**Current**: that's not so bad bro. Because after two inches it feels like all new.

What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]

Why is EPIC's current hit game called Fortnite?

Because that's about how long it takes for the average person to get bored of playing it.

There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

I'm currently studying the Ancient Greeks.

I'm sitting in an elderly home at Athens.

What's the current mood of a river valley?

Depression.

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

Current relationship status:

The only date I'm looking forward to is my untimely death

Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn’t evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

I grew very suspicious when my ex and current girlfriends were on the same frequency

Turns out, they were using the same vibrator

I'm currently hiring teenagers with expertise in time travel.

20+ years of experience required.

I'm currently suffering from laziness

So I'm gonna try and sleep it off for the next few days.

The USA may still have a beauty pageant. The current projected winner?

Miss Information

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m currently looking to date a very curvy bisexual.

I guess you can say I have a bi-ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sat on the toilet at 11:59PM. It’s currently 12:01AM.

Same shit, different day.

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

Interviewer: Why are you leaving your current organization?

Candidate: I have major religious differences at work!





Interviewer: What are those differences? Candidate:

My manager thinks he is God, I don't!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the current trend in r/pics: My wife refuses to send me nudes. She says she doesn't trust me with them.

Which is a shame because I know some guys who would pay serious $$$ for them.

The three girls named Ann I am currently seeing are

Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.

The Love Guru

If you divide the current year by 5 you get an error

Error 404

[NSFW] Russian cam models are currently being investigated.

They're accused of meddling in U.S. erections.

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

What did the voltage say to the current?

What's up, ohmie?

Why are iron and lead currently losers?

They are meta-L’s

What’s the problem with the current spelling of Christmas?

There’s Noel

A pianist is currently on trial.

He was accused of fingering A Minor.

Girl, you're like my current account...

I put all my money into you even though there's no interest.

What's the biggest restriction with my current diet?

My jeans.

I recently timed my current stand up routine and it's about 10 minutes long.

Thanks arthritis

A bank tried to advertise its new current accounts

Unfortunately, there was no interest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the cockney hobo who offered no resistance to electrical current?

He was ohm-less.

I asked my friend in North Korea how things are going there currently

He said he couldn't complain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm currently working on an oral sex joke.

I'll give you a taste of what's to come.

I'm currently moving house. Has anyone got some spare cardboard boxes?

My ex won't let me live with her.

I'm currently studying snails and slugs.

It's safe to say I'm a slow learner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is currently no cure for premature ejaculation.

But I hear that it is coming quickly.

If my current career doesn’t work out I’m going try my hand as a honey farmer.

It’s my plan bee.

What did the super conductor say to the electric current?

Resistance is futile

When interviewer asks you what you make at your current job

Apparently they don't expect you to say stupid mistakes and inappropriate comments.

If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate Jerry can.

Once we reach 15 months with the current president

Are we legally allowed to leave?

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on?

His body...

His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best way to avoid IT issue when working from home during our current circumstances...

...is to avoid the red balloon.

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

With the current outlook on UK exit polls...

It looks like june is the end of May

How do you induce a current in a wire by counting to 10?

By mathematical induction.

Tatooine Air Traffic Controller: "Jedi 41, Tatooine Tower, confirm your current position you appear to be lost"

Captain Yoda: "Of course I am"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

Currently I'm dating a anorexic chick.

but lately I've been seeing less and less of her.

What's the current number one song in Russia?

Crimea river

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not currently sexually active because i'm saving myself...

...Some Money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The current situation in America reminds me of a porn video i watched

Where everyone gets fucked but nobody gets paid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TP is currently in short supply, and I just squandered 3 squares

on a ghost shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very drunk man is in the pub complaining about his current reputation.

A man named Johnny is in the local pub one night and as usual, he is quite drunk. Although he is only talking directly to one of the locals, he is talking loud enough for everyone to hear. He says:

"You see the fucking wall out there, do ya? The fucking wall that fucking stretches from one en...

My friend told me that he could create a biological electric current to run through a capacitor.

I said, "weird flux but ok."

On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently

Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers

Her : Wow thats great!

Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo

What is Beethoven currently doing?

Decomposing.

I'm currently reading 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

Which freaked me out because I didn't think he knew anything about my life.

NASA is currently investigating why Mars used to be warm and wet and now dry and cold.

My guess is 5-10 years of marriage.

I'm currently a recovering alcoholic...

But I prefer the term "hungover."

Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than the current life?

If you lived in the Middle East, you would too.

NASA is currently developing a way to grow cashews on the Moon's soil...

They're calling them Astro-nuts.

With your current salary what Apple product can you buy?

Apple juice

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.