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I'm currently having sex with twins and its great!!!

My friends were all amazed when I told then. They asked "how can you tell them apart?"

"That's easy" I tell them.

" Rebecca's left breast is slightly larger than her right one. And Randy has a huge cock. "

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

In the current economy all music tends to be written in sharps...

No one can afford multiple flats.

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So I found out I was sexually attracted to electrical currents

Yeah, shocking

Man, I hate it when the date picker for my birthday on a website starts with the current date.

Do they think that I was born yesterday?

Why is EPIC's current hit game called Fortnite?

Because that's about how long it takes for the average person to get bored of playing it.

I like playing the game guess who with my dad. He’s currently winning

Cause I still can’t figure out who he is.

If you divide the current year by 5 you get an error

Error 404

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable".

On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently

Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers

Her : Wow thats great!

Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo

What's the current mood of a river valley?

Depression.

I recently timed my current stand up routine and it's about 10 minutes long.

Thanks arthritis

Justin Bieber is currently battling Lyme disease.

If the corona virus spreads and he contracts it, he may be the first person with Conora-with-Lyme disease.

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I am currently investigating a possible link between Jeffrey Epstein and Osama Bin Ladin.

I mean where else would Bin Laden get the 72 virgins he was always talking about?

The current world record for longest joke...

The current world record for longest joke is 49 minutes. The next world record will be set at the end of Trumps Presidency

I used to manually insert the current clock reading into my emails with a 60 pt font.

It was a huge paste of time.

I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.

He's a keeper.

TEACHER: you're currently failing english, are you reading for extra credit?

**ME:** I'm reading Animal Farm, the author is so good.

**TEACHER:** orwell?

**ME:** yeah... I meant the author is so well.

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician....

I am unable to deal with the current situation..

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

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PSA on Hoarding and Panic buying due to Covid-19

Due to the current pasta shortage, the government has asked people not to panic buy based to the actions of a fusilli individuals.

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All my past relations ended because of my small penis

But my current wife says it’s no biggie

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

Finnish is such a beautiful language.

There's a word, Kalsarikännit, which basically means 'getting drunk in your underwear'. This tells you all you need to know about Finland, and my current state of affairs.

When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

I rescued a penguin that came to shore near home

It must have got caught in a coastal current and ended up at the beach. I was happy to save it but didn't know what to do with it.

Someone suggested I take it to the zoo. I thought that was a great idea, and that's what I did.

A few weeks later the same person saw me at the beach....

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A mechanics professor is noticing his class is losing interest...

... so he decides to ask them a question to keep them on their toes.

*"What,"* he asks the class *"is the rate of change of speed?"*

*"Acceleration"* retorts the class.

*"And what, is the rate of change of Acceleration?"*

A couple of students in the class raises their han...

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

A newly hired doctor is visiting the insane asylum he'll be working in for the first time

During the tour he sees a man alone in a room, standing completely naked except for the top hat on his head. His curiosity is piqued and he asks to have a brief interview with the patient.


"Excuse me sir," the doctor asked, "if you don't mind me asking, why aren't you wearing clothes?"...

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

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I am outraged at the current state of video games

My son, who is eight years old, recently showed me his new “flute-em-up” game, tuba raider, and I am outraged at the amount of violins in it. Later, he asked me for GTAV (Great Tambourines And Violins) and I was horrified when I saw it had a sax scene with a prostitute and you could even do drums. D...

I’m currently reading a great book about Lubricants.

It’s non-friction

"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked.



I said, "All of them."

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.



Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other replied.
...

If Jack the Ripper was...

...transported to current times and wanted a fast food meal before carrying on his dasterdly deeds in our time what might an appropriate dining establishment be called?




Chick-fil-A

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

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I'm not currently sexually active because i'm saving myself...

...Some Money

My friend told me that he could create a biological electric current to run through a capacitor.

I said, "weird flux but ok."

I told my boss he better give me a raise because three other companies were currently after me. He didn’t believe me and asked which ones.

“Gas, electric, and water.”

My son is currently studying how to run away from home.

He'll go far, that kid.

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit.

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

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A man with "Manchurian Dick"

A man came home from Thailand after a few weeks there. One of his biggest motivations for going there was the prostitutes, spending his whole vacation screwing, he was very concerned about his penis. It was turning colours and was very painful. He gets it checked by visiting his family doctor. The m...

The man and the priests horse

Once there was a man who needed a horse. He went to the market and found a horse for sale, which was currently owned by a priest.

He asked if he could buy the horse, and the priest said ‘Sure! One thing though, instead of ‘YeeHaw’, you say ‘praise the lord’ to make the horse go.

Inste...

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The current situation in America reminds me of a porn video i watched

Where everyone gets fucked but nobody gets paid

Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on?

His body...

His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss.

/u/username hates the hotel room he’s currently staying in.

Username checks out.

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

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Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

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a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.

She's going for the ribs.

I might try a duck.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

What’s the problem with the current spelling of Christmas?

There’s Noel

A bank tried to advertise its new current accounts

Unfortunately, there was no interest.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Donald Trump are in the Sahara desert (see, I’ve changed it so it’s current)...

The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scot is holding a cucumber and Trump is carrying a car door.
A Bedouin approaches and asks why the Englishman has an umbrella in the desert. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I put up my brolly and I can keep cool in the shade.”
The Be...

What did the super conductor say to the electric current?

Resistance is futile

An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.”

“Yes, I see the problem,” The engineer responds. “We just can’t draw any current.”

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

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I'm currently working on an oral sex joke.

I'll give you a taste of what's to come.

I'm currently suffering from laziness

So I'm gonna try and sleep it off for the next few days.

In response to current controversies, the Catholic Church is changing the confessional process.

The phrase “Father, I have sinned.” will be replaced with “Daddy, I’ve been naughty.”

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There is currently no cure for premature ejaculation.

But I hear that it is coming quickly.

Interviewer: Why are you leaving your current organization?

Candidate: I have major religious differences at work!





Interviewer: What are those differences? Candidate:

My manager thinks he is God, I don't!

My teacher told me a current carrying conductor produces a magmetic field. I disagreed.

Teacher said, "I am the teacher."

I said, "I don't give a flux."

The Redskins are currently getting destroyed on MNF

Wouldn't be the first time they got destroyed on Columbus Day.

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I just found out my current and ex girlfriend were related...

I knew the sex felt familia

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

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Bizarre Facts no One Knows

1. Most humans were born on their birthday
2. The distance from the Earth to the Sun is the same exact distance from the Sun to the Earth
3. A normal skeleton has enough bones to make an entire skeleton
4. If you took out all your veins and laid them out end to end, you would die.
5. The...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

I was going to post this on another sub, but it seemed more appropriate here.

South Dakota is currently battling a Methamphetamine epidemic and they have a new slogan for their anti-meth campaign efforts.

“Meth....We are on it”!

What did Tesla say as he invented alternated current?

"Aw, that hertz!"

I’m a scientists currently studying bestiality between humans and dogs.

You can find me in my lab.

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So I have a 10 page paper to write...

I'm the joke. I've been procrastinating since 2AM.

Edit: Thanks guys! I'm almost done, I'm on the conclusion currently. Will hand it in for my 8AM class.

Edit 2: Done!

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Why did Tesla read newspapers?

To know about current events.

I was gonna make a river joke

But I dont think its current

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.

We're currently filming the pilot.

What do you call a lycanthrope who stays informed about politics & current events?

An Awarewolf

How do you induce a current in a wire by counting to 10?

By mathematical induction.

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and orders a shot of whisky. While his drink is being poured, the man spots a jar of ten dollar bills sitting by the peanuts labeled, “bar challenge”.
Curious, the man asked the bartender what was up with that.
“That there is the current jackpot for this months bar challen...

If all diplomatic issues could be solved with a board game like monopoly, we wouldn't see the current levels violence in the world.

No, they'd be *way* higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes.

She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work.

I’m currently experimenting with open relationships with my SO

It’s open to anyone but me.

Is it okay to mock kids for protesting global warming?

Not in the current climate.

[NSFW] Russian cam models are currently being investigated.

They're accused of meddling in U.S. erections.

I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places.

For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else.

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

When interviewer asks you what you make at your current job

Apparently they don't expect you to say stupid mistakes and inappropriate comments.

Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than the current life?

If you lived in the Middle East, you would too.

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I was walking through the forest when I saw something glimmer in the grass.

"I approached and it turned out to be a golden frog. I quickly grabbed it, intending to sell it for a lot of money, but the frog spoke to me.


- Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.


First I didn't believe it, so I tried to stick it in my pocket, but the frog spoke again.
...

Once we reach 15 months with the current president

Are we legally allowed to leave?

I asked my friend in North Korea how things are going there currently

He said he couldn't complain

What's the biggest restriction with my current diet?

My jeans.

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

Currently.

Currently, it's better to be direct than to alternate between weak lines or else she might get confused and ask watt you doing.

I'm currently reading 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

Which freaked me out because I didn't think he knew anything about my life.

Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

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In a therapist’s office

The therapist asks the son of a family what has happened.

”I walked in to the shower and saw my father masturbating”.

”How horrible! What did you think about in that situation?”

”I thought about how our current family trip to Auschwitz will be cut short.”

A group of people gather in the Caribbean just so they can discuss current events...

It's like they're on a Topical Island

The FBI Just raided a local dentist office

They are currently performing a cavity search

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