Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable".

I nearly drowned in my muesli this morning...

I was pulled in by a particularly strong current.

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

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I am outraged at the current state of video games

My son, who is eight years old, recently showed me his new “flute-em-up” game, tuba raider, and I am outraged at the amount of violins in it. Later, he asked me for GTAV (Great Tambourines And Violins) and I was horrified when I saw it had a sax scene with a prostitute and you could even do drums. D...

Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on?

His body...

His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss.

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The current situation in America reminds me of a porn video i watched

Where everyone gets fucked but nobody gets paid

My friend told me that he could create a biological electric current to run through a capacitor.

I said, "weird flux but ok."

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit.

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

A bank tried to advertise its new current accounts

Unfortunately, there was no interest.

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.



Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other replied.
...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Donald Trump are in the Sahara desert (see, I’ve changed it so it’s current)...

The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scot is holding a cucumber and Trump is carrying a car door.
A Bedouin approaches and asks why the Englishman has an umbrella in the desert. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I put up my brolly and I can keep cool in the shade.”
The Be...

An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.”

“Yes, I see the problem,” The engineer responds. “We just can’t draw any current.”

In response to current controversies, the Catholic Church is changing the confessional process.

The phrase “Father, I have sinned.” will be replaced with “Daddy, I’ve been naughty.”

Interviewer: Why are you leaving your current organization?

Candidate: I have major religious differences at work!





Interviewer: What are those differences? Candidate:

My manager thinks he is God, I don't!

My teacher told me a current carrying conductor produces a magmetic field. I disagreed.

Teacher said, "I am the teacher."

I said, "I don't give a flux."

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I just found out my current and ex girlfriend were related...

I knew the sex felt familia

What do you call a lycanthrope who stays informed about politics & current events?

An Awarewolf

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

If all diplomatic issues could be solved with a board game like monopoly, we wouldn't see the current levels violence in the world.

No, they'd be *way* higher.

What did the super conductor say to the electric current?

Resistance is futile

What's the biggest restriction with my current diet?

My jeans.

How do you induce a current in a wire by counting to 10?

By mathematical induction.

Once we reach 15 months with the current president

Are we legally allowed to leave?

When interviewer asks you what you make at your current job

Apparently they don't expect you to say stupid mistakes and inappropriate comments.

A group of people gather in the Caribbean just so they can discuss current events...

It's like they're on a Topical Island

I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

A hermit in the middle east has not heard about any current events.

I guess you could say he lives under Iraq.

Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than the current life?

If you lived in the Middle East, you would too.

When Nintendo come out with a new version of the switch will the current one become...

The old switcheroo!

It appears that r/jokes only focuses on the current president, so George Bush jokes are too late.

But 9/11 jokes are too soon.

With the current outlook on UK exit polls...

It looks like june is the end of May

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

If all current congresspeople got into a fistfight, who would win?

The American people.

(thanks /u/asurah)

Donald Trump is about to watch an episode of his current favorite TV show...

Orange is the New Black

I don't care much for political jokes. But I was thinking what would Reagan think of our current toxic political climate if he was alive today?

I think he would say " WHY WON'T SOMEONE LET ME OUT OF THIS BOX"

Girl, you're like my current account...

I put all my money into you even though there's no interest.

People of USA are fed up of the current Presidential candidates and decided to hold a mass boycott

As Americans hated all the candidates so much, that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: A literal presidential race.

The three candidates would run a lap around the ...

If the current Russian president is preparing to lead a series of swift military offensives...

...does that mean he's Putin on a blitz?

With your current salary what Apple product can you buy?

Apple juice

Current relationship status:

The only date I'm looking forward to is my untimely death

I am so bored in my current profession. I am thinking of becoming a bartender...

...to shake things up a bit.

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A very drunk man is in the pub complaining about his current reputation.

A man named Johnny is in the local pub one night and as usual, he is quite drunk. Although he is only talking directly to one of the locals, he is talking loud enough for everyone to hear. He says:

"You see the fucking wall out there, do ya? The fucking wall that fucking stretches from one en...

What did the voltage say to the current?

What's up, ohmie?

What's the current number one song in Russia?

Crimea river

Say what you want about AC/DC...

But in my mind they will always be current

I've done some calculations, and I figure, that at my current rate of pay I could live happily for the rest of my life.

If I died tomorrow.

Ooh! Ooh! I have a current events joke!

Go easy on me im drunk.

When I heard that the A/C had gone out at the AT&T Center in San Antonio tonight for the NBA finals, I thought to myself... I guess this favors the Heat.

had a great swim along the beach in Bali

perfect visibility and tons of coral.

I saw a colorful but scary looking thing attached to a rock and waving in the gentle current. I thought to myself: "is it a friend, or anemone?"

The current presidential election is like marrying in your late 30s...

The ex you truely loved is gone, the decent ones are no longer an option, so you have to choose between what little choice you have left.

What does John F. Kennedy have in common with the current Democratic Party?

No brains

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Three Drunks

Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the bui...

What do you call a jungle where animals talk about current events?

A topical rainforest.

U.S male active duty and veterans...on this special day, make sure to call up all your old flames, current lovers. Wives and girlfriends as well as any others who helped you out during long deployments and say.....

"Thank you for your cervix!"

Lorraine is gone...

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obviou...

TIL the current Prime Minister of of Canada has a tattoo, and is in a cover band called the Van Cats, but...

...only the first part was Trudeau.

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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

I dont see why we need to leave our planet in a better state for future generations

The current generation cant get out of middle school before dying off.

My current girlfriend is very similar to my last one...

For instance, neither of them exist.

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Need to write some current event jokes for a show, need help! Whatcha got, reddit?

I am not funny and I need to be. I am writing a script for a short show that's formatted like "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live. So that means one sentence about the topic, and then one liner joke. Thank you all!

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Three guys were standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first said: "You know, the wind currents here in New York are so strong that you could step off the edge of this building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current"

"You're crazy", said the second guy.

"You don't believe me?", said the first...

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My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, an...

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I got a bunch of laughs taffy’s on Saturday and thought I’d share

Q: Who was responsible for the lakes disarray

A: The loch mess monster

Q:Why did the girl have a tiny wooden infant

A: She wanted a whittle baby

Q: What type of data has a big bite

A: megabyte

Q: What can you catch but not throw

A: A cold

Q: Wh...

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"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

Dumb town is having an urgent meeting to resolve the current down town hole crisis

In this town where the highest IQ is negative, a big hole is down town, and people are falling in it and being transported to the ER every minute.

An urgent town meeting is held, where the most intelligent people of the town are trying to resolve the situation.

'Smart' person number 1:...

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

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A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whi...

A homeless man walks into a cafe and asks for a cup of coffee.

The barista, taken aback by his appearance, tells him that he needs to pay for that coffee.

“How about this.”
and then he pulled a frog out of his pocket that started to beautifully play the piano.

The barista is amazed and offers him a cup of coffee on the house.
After a while, ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

What’s electricity’s favorite topic?

Current events

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A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

Every president has a secret service codename.

The current president is “Mogul”. I looked it up.
Mogul: a member of the Muslim dynasty of Mongol origin
Nope, that can’t be it, unless he’s a total self-hater. Try alternate definition:
Mogul: In downhill skiing, an ice-cold lump; an extremely dense obstacle to human progress, a destabil...

A rich mother in law has 3 daughters who are married off to 3 men....

She wanted to test whether her sons in law really cared about her or not. So she devised a plan. She invites her first SIL for a run and after reaching a river she purposefully slips into the river's current.
Without any hesitation first SIL jumps into the river and saves her. The very next day h...

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World-wide known John

One day, one big company's boss decided to visit his employees. There was one man who was greeted cheerfully by everyone. Like really everyone. His name was John. Boss stopped him for a while and asked him a question 'John, how is it possible that our accountant, manager, supplier and even our new c...

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days

just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

A man attempts to swim across the Atlantic Ocean

A man tried to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. He left New York and headed for England. He battled rough seas, strong currents, and freezing cold water. After 6 months, he was within one mile of England when realized he was just too exhausted to make it to shore. So he swam back.

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

My god will save me

A man lived in Florida in a two-story house near the water. During hurricane season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters. A group of people evacuating stop by his house in a big pickup truck.

“Hop in and we can all g...

A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his gr...

Why did the electrician become a news anchor?

He's always had a knack for current events.

What do coral get stressed about?

Current events

Einstein dies and goes to heaven

He is informed upon arrival that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it is the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others," the doorman, Clyde, tells him. Einstein says that is perfectly fine and there isn't a...

Our new Space Force is exploring mars

The new Space Force has finally arrived at mars, and an exploration ship has been investigating the snow and ice covered North Pole area.

A field biologist excitedly rushes in to his general, and exclaims, “Sir, incredible news! We have discovered a strange, silicon-based form of life in the...

Joe and the Train

Joe has been driving trains for years now and he was certainly not he best. He would leave late, overshoot stops and close the door on people frequently. This all came to head when one day, not paying attention, he drives into a herd of cows.

Police show up and Joe is questioned, but is ove...

Got a message in a bottle from the river today

It was current news

There was a blackout tonight.

It was caused by the current situation.

There was an old Bolivian train driver...

who had been driving trains for nearly 25 years, maintaining a perfect record. One day, he is running a little behind and will be late to his next stop if he doesn't hurry. He calls into the train station and asks to speed up the train so he can make it in time. They tell him that he's hauling too m...

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Mr. John Shit goes to court to change his name

"Hello sir, how may I help you?" Asks the court clerk

"I would like to change my name."

"Very well, what is your current name?"

"John Shit."

"My god, what a horrible name. What would you like to change it to?"

"George Shit."

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