3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old

Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate Jerry can.

"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked. I said, "All of them."

Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn’t evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

I saw an advert selling a trained police dog for £25 in the local paper, saw a bargain and bought it.

When the current owner brought it round a mangy mutt jumped out their car.

I said 'There's no way that's a Police dog'

The owner replied 'Don't let looks decieve you, he worked undercover'

An electrical current joins the air force

He was too afraid to fly over enemy ohmland because he was worried he'd be grounded.

My six year old’s current favorite joke:

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who’s there?

Him: Interrupting pirate.

Me: Interrupting pira...

Him: Arrrrrrgggh!!!

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A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

My current girlfriend is anorexic

I’m seeing less and less of her

I grew very suspicious when my ex and current girlfriends were on the same frequency

Turns out, they were using the same vibrator

A re-purposed religious joke for current events

A man went out without a mask, and was met with glaring eyes everywhere he went. He finally got to the store when someone confronted him as he got in.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to put on a mask. It's policy to wear one when you come in" said the guard blocking the doorway.

"No! I d...

A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: “Can I talk to my wife, please?”

The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. “What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I’ll stay on the line”

“Very well, sir”, the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a...

CEO of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden

He is currently assembling his cabinet.

I am currently working on eliminating all cancers

Virgos are next

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

Law Professor: “You’re currently failing your ethics course.”

Me: _slides a $20 note across the table_ “How about now?”
Professor: _pockets the note_ “Still failing.”
Me: “OK, can I have my $20 back?”
Professor: “What $20?”

Covid can't be beaten.

Unlike suspects. That's why Covid is the current #1 killer of cops in America.

Why did Werner Heisenberg break up with his girlfriend?

He wasn't certain exactly where their relationship was currently going, but he knew that it was moving too fast.

Give me your best kids knock-knock jokes!

My 4 year old is a budding comedian, and her new favourite is knock-knock jokes. She keeps asking me for new ones that she can tell to people, but I can't find many good ones that she will understand.

The current go-to's are:

Knock knock -- Who's there? -- Europe! -- Europe who? -- No,...

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...

The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.


They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.


Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch so...

5 people arrive at a police checkpoint in their car...

The policeman stops them: "You do realise you are breaking the law" he tells the driver.

Driver: "how so?"

Policeman: "what car are you driving?"

Driver: "An Audi Quattro, its very nice"

Policeman: "And there are currently 5 people in this car, correct?"

Driver: "...

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly ...

Me: IMO Lewandowski is the best striker currently.

My friend: ok but what's IMO

Me : In my opinion...

Friend: I get it lewandowski is the best striker in your opinion but what is IMO.

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

Hooters finally did the right thing and gave their waitresses smaller bottoms to match their already small tops.

To better reflect their corporate values, the board is voting to change their company's name at next month's meeting.

"Hoots and Chutes" is currently leading the vote.

I feel bad for current college students...

Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

A charity collector paid a visit to the town miser.

"I know you made a profit of more than $500,000 last year alone. Yet you haven't made one donation to our charity!" he berated the miser.

The miser looked up in anger.
"Well, did you also know about my elderly mother, who is currently undergoing an expensive, prolonged treatment for her he...

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I'm currently having sex with twins and its great!!!

My friends were all amazed when I told then. They asked "how can you tell them apart?"

"That's easy" I tell them.

" Rebecca's left breast is slightly larger than her right one. And Randy has a huge cock. "

Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year.

Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sat on the toilet at 11:59PM. It’s currently 12:01AM.

Same shit, different day.

I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...

Thankfully, they didn't press charges

But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm

She's doing better currently

And conducting herself properly

But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I found out I was sexually attracted to electrical currents

Yeah, shocking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain's cabin broadcast:

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome you again on board. Currently, we are flying over the Atlantic ocean, our height is 10000 meters and our speed is 900kph. Air temperature... shit! Fuck! Oh my god! No!

Captains go silent. Passengers are white as chalk, panic, scream...

A mi...

What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

From the current state of America. The movie Joker was

ahead of the curve

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

What would Hemingway call our current political nightmare?

Old men and disease

NASA is currently investigating why Mars used to be warm and wet and now dry and cold.

My guess is 5-10 years of marriage.

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

If my current career doesn’t work out I’m going try my hand as a honey farmer.

It’s my plan bee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on vacation walking my dog on a beach in Germany when the dog decided to run in and was taken by the current

I don’t know how to swim so I screamed for help and luckily a local German jumped in after him. The man got the dog out of the water and immediately started twisting the dogs ear while slapping its ass as I sat there crying. Spontaneously my dog stood up and started breathing again and ran into my a...

Locksmiths still have to do their jobs, despite the current pandemic

They are key workers, after all.

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

The current state of affairs...

Legal, but highly immoral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Salesmanship

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." She said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic ...

A giant globe fell on my son's face.

He's currently in hospital with sphere injuries.

Kim Jong Un is currently..

The Shrodingers cat of dictators.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m currently looking to date a very curvy bisexual.

I guess you can say I have a bi-ass.

A new global map (Mildly NSFW)

With the recent changes to Afganistan
plans are being drawn up to rename it
the currently suggested new name is:

Talibanistan

I'm currently doing whatever I can to give myself and my girlfriend the best chance of having our own house.

But so far her grandma hasn't eaten any of my "wonderful" muffins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

I Currently Teach a Class about Suicide

First Semester has been good so far, I Single Handedly Prevented the entire class from having suicidal thoughts or actually going through with it.

I Promised the class that I would do a suicide demonstration to show the perspective of a dead person. Ill be posting my experience in a few minut...

Some people criticise America's current leadership, others say it can do no wrong, but there's one thing everyone can agree on.

Under the last administration, America really was an Obama-nation.

"You can be whoever you want to be!"

Instructions unclear. Currently serving time for identity theft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm currently testing a penis enlargement method I found on the internet where you put tight o-rings on your dick for some days.

I think it's starting to work, my penis already turned black.

I'm currently hiring teenagers with expertise in time travel.

20+ years of experience required.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?

One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the cockney hobo who offered no resistance to electrical current?

He was ohm-less.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best way to avoid IT issue when working from home during our current circumstances...

...is to avoid the red balloon.

The current world record for longest joke...

The current world record for longest joke is 49 minutes. The next world record will be set at the end of Trumps Presidency

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] It's 1916 and the Germans have developed a new cipher that is proving hard to crack...

A rightfully annoyed British high command therefore advertises the job "military radio decrypter" in all the newspapers across the country and sure enough, some people attempt to apply for the job.

Outside the recruitment office there's a long line of men and women eager to help the war effor...

The USA may still have a beauty pageant. The current projected winner?

Miss Information

Man, I hate it when the date picker for my birthday on a website starts with the current date.

Do they think that I was born yesterday?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

The owner of the only abortion clinic that vowed to defy Texas' new law prohibiting abortions past 6 weeks says, it's never been busier...

"Currently we got a 24 month wait list"

I recently timed my current stand up routine and it's about 10 minutes long.

Thanks arthritis

I told my friend that the current prime minister of Canada is Donald Trump

It's not Tru, deau.

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

The stormy seafarer

One stormy evening, a seafarer was thrown overboard whilst passing through the strait of Dover. As luck would have it, the ocean currents pulled him unconscious to the English coastline, where he was found and revived by a man adorned in a cape, deerstalker hat and smoking a pipe.

When coming...

I'm currently dating a utilitarian.

She knows that I'd rather not, but she insists we date anyway.

I'm currently moving house. Has anyone got some spare cardboard boxes?

My ex won't let me live with her.

I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

I'm currently studying the Ancient Greeks.

I'm sitting in an elderly home at Athens.

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

Why is EPIC's current hit game called Fortnite?

Because that's about how long it takes for the average person to get bored of playing it.

If you divide the current year by 5 you get an error

Error 404

Electric cars

**Do you need a current licence to drive an electric car?**

What's the current mood of a river valley?

Depression.

NASA is currently developing a way to grow cashews on the Moon's soil...

They're calling them Astro-nuts.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers j...

My friend told me that he could create a biological electric current to run through a capacitor.

I said, "weird flux but ok."

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit.

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

I used to manually insert the current clock reading into my emails with a 60 pt font.

It was a huge paste of time.

On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently

Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers

Her : Wow thats great!

Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TP is currently in short supply, and I just squandered 3 squares

on a ghost shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.



Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other replied.
...

My son is currently studying how to run away from home.

He'll go far, that kid.

Recently got run over by a guy in a Tesla, thought he got away but:

He’s currently being charged with battery now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich

Barman: You’re a duck and you can talk?!

Duck: Quite observant I see, Don’t worry I can pay.

Barman: I’m terribly sorry if I offended you, might I ask, what brings you to a bar like this?

Duck: If you must know, I work on the construction site across the road, if you don’t mind ...

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

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