A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...

The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.


They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.


Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch so...

My six year old’s current favorite joke:

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who’s there?

Him: Interrupting pirate.

Me: Interrupting pira...

Him: Arrrrrrgggh!!!

Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year.

Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sat on the toilet at 11:59PM. It’s currently 12:01AM.

Same shit, different day.

I feel bad for current college students...

Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.

NASA is currently investigating why Mars used to be warm and wet and now dry and cold.

My guess is 5-10 years of marriage.

I'm currently doing whatever I can to give myself and my girlfriend the best chance of having our own house.

But so far her grandma hasn't eaten any of my "wonderful" muffins.

I Currently Teach a Class about Suicide

First Semester has been good so far, I Single Handedly Prevented the entire class from having suicidal thoughts or actually going through with it.

I Promised the class that I would do a suicide demonstration to show the perspective of a dead person. Ill be posting my experience in a few minut...

What would Hemingway call our current political nightmare?

Old men and disease

Clark County, Nevada has declared that they can’t currently give us a tally of uncounted ballots

I guess what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Is Prince Andrew worried about his current situation?

No, he isn’t sweating it at all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m currently looking to date a very curvy bisexual.

I guess you can say I have a bi-ass.

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]

I'm currently hiring teenagers with expertise in time travel.

20+ years of experience required.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

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I was on vacation walking my dog on a beach in Germany when the dog decided to run in and was taken by the current

I don’t know how to swim so I screamed for help and luckily a local German jumped in after him. The man got the dog out of the water and immediately started twisting the dogs ear while slapping its ass as I sat there crying. Spontaneously my dog stood up and started breathing again and ran into my a...

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

Tatooine Air Traffic Controller: "Jedi 41, Tatooine Tower, confirm your current position you appear to be lost"

Captain Yoda: "Of course I am"

If my current career doesn’t work out I’m going try my hand as a honey farmer.

It’s my plan bee.

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I'm currently having sex with twins and its great!!!

My friends were all amazed when I told then. They asked "how can you tell them apart?"

"That's easy" I tell them.

" Rebecca's left breast is slightly larger than her right one. And Randy has a huge cock. "

Some people criticise America's current leadership, others say it can do no wrong, but there's one thing everyone can agree on.

Under the last administration, America really was an Obama-nation.

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

From the current state of America. The movie Joker was

ahead of the curve

The current state of affairs...

Legal, but highly immoral.

My current hairstyle is perfect for tonight's Silent Disco.

It's got absolutely no volume

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

I'm currently moving house. Has anyone got some spare cardboard boxes?

My ex won't let me live with her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the cockney hobo who offered no resistance to electrical current?

He was ohm-less.

I'm currently studying the Ancient Greeks.

I'm sitting in an elderly home at Athens.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable".

Locksmiths still have to do their jobs, despite the current pandemic

They are key workers, after all.

Kim Jong Un is currently..

The Shrodingers cat of dictators.

I'm currently dating a utilitarian.

She knows that I'd rather not, but she insists we date anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I found out I was sexually attracted to electrical currents

Yeah, shocking

The USA may still have a beauty pageant. The current projected winner?

Miss Information

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

I caught my son biting the electrical cord

I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm currently testing a penis enlargement method I found on the internet where you put tight o-rings on your dick for some days.

I think it's starting to work, my penis already turned black.

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best way to avoid IT issue when working from home during our current circumstances...

...is to avoid the red balloon.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?

One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now.

He replied that he was currently working on:

\*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment\*

I was impressed......

On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.

I told my friend that the current prime minister of Canada is Donald Trump

It's not Tru, deau.

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

NASA is currently developing a way to grow cashews on the Moon's soil...

They're calling them Astro-nuts.

Dad dates a lot of Denise’s

So true story that I laugh about from time to time: as I sit here on the thrown I thought would share with the world...

My father dated three woman for various years but they just so happen to have the same name... Of course we noticed this poked fun at him about it but these are years apart...

An old lady wanted to withdraw money from a bank

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.

The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if ...

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, do you think you would remarry?" (joke from my 79 year old great aunt)

The husband replies, "Remarry? No way! I'd be too devestated by your death, I could never replace you."

The wife insists that her husband take a new wife, "If I go before you, I would hate for you to be alone. Please tell me you'd find a new wife."

The husband promises to honor his wi...

Man, I hate it when the date picker for my birthday on a website starts with the current date.

Do they think that I was born yesterday?

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

News Flash

**A Jewish guy goes into a confession box.** **"Father O’Malley," he says, "My name is Aaron Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire l...

The current world record for longest joke...

The current world record for longest joke is 49 minutes. The next world record will be set at the end of Trumps Presidency

I recently timed my current stand up routine and it's about 10 minutes long.

Thanks arthritis

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

Why is EPIC's current hit game called Fortnite?

Because that's about how long it takes for the average person to get bored of playing it.

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Three Challenges

**TL;DR:** Jokes don't have TL;DRs.

A man named Andrew walks into a bar, makes his way to the stool and asks the bartender for some Whiskey, on the rocks.

As the bartender serves Andrew his order, his eyes fall on a relatively large jar of money filled with $100 bills. He gets curious...

If you divide the current year by 5 you get an error

Error 404

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TP is currently in short supply, and I just squandered 3 squares

on a ghost shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.

So there was once an old farmer....

There’s an old farmer, and he’s just sitting in his chair, feet up, getting warm by a fire in his fire place (it’s cold outside, maybe even currently snowing). He hears a knock on the door. He opens it to see a beautiful young lady on his doorstep. “Sorry to bother you sir, but my car has gotten stu...

What's the current mood of a river valley?

Depression.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He is stopped in his tracks at the pearly gates by St Peter.

"My child, you are not yet permitted to enter Heaven," St Peter says.

"May I know why not?" the man asks.

"Well, you see, our database has not been updated yet and the current indication here is that you have not done ...

On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently

Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers

Her : Wow thats great!

Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Daniel...

Analogies are like ham sandwiches.

I am currently making one.

Trump's campaign slogan for the 2016 presidential election was "Make America Great Again."

Biden's campaign slogan for the current election should be "Make America Great Again."

I like playing the game guess who with my dad. He’s currently winning

Cause I still can’t figure out who he is.

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here i...

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

Moscow in Winter

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, I think that was snow”, she replied.
He insisted, “No, I’m sure it was just rain.”

Well, as couples are wont to do, they were about to ha...

I used to manually insert the current clock reading into my emails with a 60 pt font.

It was a huge paste of time.

When are riptides dangerous?

Currently

When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am currently investigating a possible link between Jeffrey Epstein and Osama Bin Ladin.

I mean where else would Bin Laden get the 72 virgins he was always talking about?

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

What do electricians talk about?







Current events.

Thank you for calling the 2020AD customer support line

All of our natural disasters, plagues, and political upheavals are currently busy. If you are not experiencing a natural disaster, plague, or political upheaval, one will be assigned to you shortly. Please stay on the line, and thank you for choosing 2020.

If 2020 was a math problem.

You are flying over the desert at 180 KPH, You are flying Due north with the wind coming from the west at 40 KPH. The current is flowing at 30 knots due east. How many 20 lb watermelons will fill a football field during the full moon?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cheap parrot

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "Why is he so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

*Please just keep reading*

He orders a drink and notices a jar of money sitting on the bar table. He then asks the bartender

“Hey bartender, what’s with that jar full of money?”

“It’s prize money” the bartender replies

Puzzled, since the man was not aware of any current c...

TEACHER: you're currently failing english, are you reading for extra credit?

**ME:** I'm reading Animal Farm, the author is so good.

**TEACHER:** orwell?

**ME:** yeah... I meant the author is so well.

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.


Later that night,...

My electricity bill is outrageous for the shoddy service I’m getting...

...I’m just not happy with my current provider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am outraged at the current state of video games

My son, who is eight years old, recently showed me his new “flute-em-up” game, tuba raider, and I am outraged at the amount of violins in it. Later, he asked me for GTAV (Great Tambourines And Violins) and I was horrified when I saw it had a sax scene with a prostitute and you could even do drums. D...

Why are iron and lead currently losers?

They are meta-L’s

Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts.

Currently the police have nothing to go on

Two brain surgeons are discussing cases over lunch.

Surgeon 1: I just don't understand it. I treated a monk with epilepsy by implanting a seizure inhibitor device - the one with a microcomputer that sends out current to negate the seizure. It's working perfectly and his seizures are gone, but he keeps putting acorns and stuff into hollow spaces in tr...

My friend told me that he could create a biological electric current to run through a capacitor.

I said, "weird flux but ok."

Instead of watching the news, my friend goes body surfing at the beach every morning.

She says it keeps her abreast of current events.

I love my job..

Lately, colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge.
I’m currently eating a yogurt named Susan.

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office.

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office. Changes identity and calls himself Ted. Trump throws out all the Mexicans but Ted (who was previously Juan), just graffitis "Still Mexican. Still here." at random places around the country. The cops can't find him but they do kno...

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit.

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

Three of a kind

Coral turns white when it gets stressed. What could coral be stressed about you ask? Current events.

Eletrical engineers make mistakes when they get stressed. What could an eletrical engineer be stressed about you ask? Current events.

Berry farmers are seeing a drop in productivity du...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.



Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other replied.
...

Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.

It’s true. Current events have made it less attractive.

A small town is constantly suffering catastrophic flooding when the nearby river crests...

The mayor puts out a solicitation for someone to offer a solution to this problem. Three men respond: a civil engineer, a chemist and a literary critic. They arrive to the town, and the civil engineer and the chemist go to the city hall to present their approaches, but the critic checks into a nearb...

My son is currently studying how to run away from home.

He'll go far, that kid.

I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

I told my boss he better give me a raise because three other companies were currently after me. He didn’t believe me and asked which ones.

“Gas, electric, and water.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician ends up in hell.

So a politician ends up in hell.
The devil looks at him and say “mmm never had one of your types down here before. You’re the first one God sent down here. But based on your past record on earth, you definitely belong down here”

With in a matter of weeks the politician starts to weasel hi...

I’m making a documentary series about how to fly planes.

I'm currently filming the pilot.

I’m currently reading a great book about Lubricants.

It’s non-friction

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

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