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Apparently this is a current Russian joke: What is the title of Tolstoy's main work?

It's "Special operation and peace".

3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old

Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.

I’m currently in a love triangle

I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.

The CEO of IKEA has just been appointed as the Prime Minister of Sweden.

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

There’s an equation to describe the magnetic field generated by a constant current

But everyone says it’s BS

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In honor of the current trend in r/pics: My wife refuses to send me nudes. She says she doesn't trust me with them.

Which is a shame because I know some guys who would pay serious $$$ for them.

Cake Day. My current go-to jokes

My two current go-to jokes:
1. Why is a broken drum the best gift? Because you can’t beat it.

2. Me: Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who’s left?

Them: Repeat.

Me: Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who’s left?

Them: Repeat.

Me: Pete ...

How can you tell a Futurama fan by asking them about the current state of Covid?

They can correctly pronounce Omicron

One guy started wearing a vest that had the current time on either side.

It got him a few weird looks, as the vest wasn't all that attractive, and he wouldn't be able to see the time on the vest. Finally, after a few days, someone asked him about it.

"I figured that this way, " the man answered. "Time would always be on my side."

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

I asked my blind friend if he's currently dating.

He's not seeing anyone.

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly ...

The other day I told my boss…

That I needed a raise if he wanted me to stay in my current job, I told him that 3 companies were after me. Shocked he asked me which ones?

I then replied gas, electric, and cable.

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

I hate autocorrect

The current that invented it needs to be execute do

A KGB agent meets a friend

"How are you doing?" the KGB agent asks

"I'm fine, I'm working as a teacher. How about you?"

"I'm a KGB agent"

"Oh, what is it that you do?"

"I arrest those who are dissatisfied with the current regime"

"There are those that are satisfied with the current regime?"...

What's the difference between me and the stock market?

1) My parents are actually invested in the stock market

2) The stock market still has some value

3) People care that the stock market is currently depressed

Current political meetings

Ministers said to have considered three options during yesterday's cabinet meeting, thought to be Stilton, Wensleydale and Brie.

Harry's local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen.

Police are currently combing the area for clues.

If corals get stressed they die.

What do corals even get stressed about?

Current events.

I went swimming in a river, but the current was too strong...

You could say it was "ex-stream".

A priest is on a plane

A stewardess aproaches him and asks:

Stewardess: "Hello father, would you like anything to drink? We have whiskey, cognac and beer."

Priest: "That sounds nice. Actually, what is our altitude at the moment?"

Stewardess: "Our current altitude is about 35,000 feet"

Priest: "...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

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I find my tastes in porn have matured with age.

I am now into current lower back problems.

Don't read this, it's too long and not at all funny.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to...

"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked. I said, "All of them."

If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate Jerry can.

A man is on a date...[NSFW]

A man is on date with a beautiful girl and he takes her to a fancy hotel with a fancy restaurant and orders the most expensive food which happens to be a traditional italian pasta. While he is eating he finds finds a strand of hair and goes ballistic with anger. He immediately calls the manager and ...

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

What's the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?

Currently, about 6 months...

My six year old’s current favorite joke:

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who’s there?

Him: Interrupting pirate.

Me: Interrupting pira...

Him: Arrrrrrgggh!!!

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A man was having trouble sleeping at night....

....due to a persistent and irrational phobia of monsters being under his bed. Despite knowing that there were no such things as monsters, his brain refused to let go of the fear that had haunted him all his life. He was undergoing therapy with a psychologist, but had gotten nowhere in several years...

Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn’t evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.

Radio Yerevan was asked:

Radio Yerevan was asked:

Our beloved great leader comrade Putin described that western European economy has been inching towards the collapse and now on the edge of a cliff because of its heavy reliance on Russian energy. That makes me wonder what our economy's current situation is like?
<...

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

An electrical current joins the air force

He was too afraid to fly over enemy ohmland because he was worried he'd be grounded.

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

Authorities in Lake Tahoe are on the lookout for three bears that have collectively broken into more than 30 homes

Current leads suggest that the bears’ location to be somewhere in the goldilock zone

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

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I'm currently having sex with twins and its great!!!

My friends were all amazed when I told then. They asked "how can you tell them apart?"

"That's easy" I tell them.

" Rebecca's left breast is slightly larger than her right one. And Randy has a huge cock. "

My current girlfriend is anorexic

I’m seeing less and less of her

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

I am currently working on eliminating all cancers

Virgos are next

Law Professor: “You’re currently failing your ethics course.”

Me: _slides a $20 note across the table_ “How about now?”
Professor: _pockets the note_ “Still failing.”
Me: “OK, can I have my $20 back?”
Professor: “What $20?”

My new girlfriend shares her first name with that of my sister.

When we're doing the deed and I'm on the final cusp of climaxing, I instinctively start moaning and shouting my partner's name.

In my current relationship this is actually very offputting, because while screaming my partner's name I'm reminded of my girlfriend.

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A woman walks into an icecream shop

W: Hi! May I get two scoops of chocolate please?

M: I'm sorry, ma'am. We are currently out of chocolate.

W: What a shame. Well, then could I have a scoop of strawberry, a scoop of vanilla annnnd... A scoop of chocolate please?

M: Ma'am, I will be happy to get you strawberry and ...

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Helping Dad With the FBI

An old man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and ...

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Headline: Quenched Dench benched for a French wench finch pinch.

Press Release \[Paris\]:
Legendary actress "Dame Judi", reportedly intoxicated, was suspended from her current production for allegedly stealing a Paris prostitute's pet bird.

A meteorologist, a biologist, and a mathematician are eating breakfast.

They are sitting on a hill overlooking an office building which has just opened for the day. As they eat, they see 100 business people enter and 101 exit.

The meteorologist says, "Well within my margin of error".

The biologist says, "I suppose one of them gave birth".

The mathem...

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Fresh broccoli

A man walks into a grocery store and looks around the produce section for a bit, finally he finds a worker in produce and asks: "hello, I'm looking for the broccoli." The worker frowns and replies back, "I'm sorry, sir, but broccoli is out of season and we don't currently have it in stock. Can we in...

The Pope receives a phone call...

...and on the other side is Jesus. Jesus says that now is the time, the Second Coming is upon humanity, and that he is letting all his followers know about this, and he thought he should give the Pope, a devout follower, a call. Jesus also tells the Pope He has good news and bad news.

"What's...

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...

The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.


They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.


Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch so...

I grew very suspicious when my ex and current girlfriends were on the same frequency

Turns out, they were using the same vibrator

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I recently quit masturbating because I found that it was an obsession in my life.

Currently, I haven't masturbated for thirty days sixteen minutes and forty seconds.

A guy gets pulled over for speeding

The cop comes up to his car, the guy rolls his window down

The cop says “can I see your license and registration?”

The guy responds, “well the thing is officer, my registration is in my glove box. But also in my glove box is a loaded pistol that I just used to kill a woman who’s body i...

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A man stands before a judge, requesting to change his name

The judge asks "What's your current legal name?"

"Joe Shitter," the man says.

"I can see why you'd want to change it," the judge says.

"Yeah, everyone's always coming up to me saying, 'Whattya know, Joe.'"

Locksmiths still have to do their jobs, despite the current pandemic

They are key workers, after all.

A traveling salesman, caught in a torrential rainstorm, stopped overnight at a farmhouse.

In the morning, he looked out on the flood coursing through the front yard. He watched pieces of fence, chicken coops, branches, and an old straw hat floating past with the current.

Then he saw the straw hat come back, upstream past the house. Then he saw it go down again. Pretty soon it came...

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

A very rich man is having a very big party on the hottest day of the year

The party features a full big band performance and an open bar. In order to fight the extreme heat, the party is littered with large fans running full blast, inadvertantly causing the musicians to tie the sheet music down to their music stands to prevent them from blowing away. Meanwhile, the bass s...

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A manager dies

His wife asks the funeral director in a bitchy tone that her husband will be buried in a blue suit and not the grey one he is currently wearing.

At the day of the funeral her husband wears a blue suit so she thanks the funeral director who replies “oh it was easy. After you talked to me anot...

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

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Sat on the toilet at 11:59PM. It’s currently 12:01AM.

Same shit, different day.

What would Hemingway call our current political nightmare?

Old men and disease

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

Give me your best kids knock-knock jokes!

My 4 year old is a budding comedian, and her new favourite is knock-knock jokes. She keeps asking me for new ones that she can tell to people, but I can't find many good ones that she will understand.

The current go-to's are:

Knock knock -- Who's there? -- Europe! -- Europe who? -- No,...

There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

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A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

I saw an advert selling a trained police dog for £25 in the local paper, saw a bargain and bought it.

When the current owner brought it round a mangy mutt jumped out their car.

I said 'There's no way that's a Police dog'

The owner replied 'Don't let looks decieve you, he worked undercover'

A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: “Can I talk to my wife, please?”

The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. “What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I’ll stay on the line”

“Very well, sir”, the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a...

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So I found out I was sexually attracted to electrical currents

Yeah, shocking

I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

NASA is currently investigating why Mars used to be warm and wet and now dry and cold.

My guess is 5-10 years of marriage.

I feel bad for current college students...

Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

Some people criticise America's current leadership, others say it can do no wrong, but there's one thing everyone can agree on.

Under the last administration, America really was an Obama-nation.

History's great scientists were invited to a party. Here are their responses.

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Georg Ohm: "I'm resisting the idea."

Robert Boyle: "I'm under too much pressure."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Pierre and Marie Curie: "We're radiating enthusiasm."

Alessandro...

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A very rich man and a monk

(This is an old joke translated from bengali so forgive me for mistakes or reposts).


A very rich man had married a village girl and they were looking for a nice house.

Unable to find any apartment they went to visit a local monk of the village who was rumored to make wishes true o...

Flea Jump Test (repost)

A group of scientists decide to investigate how high a flea can jump in relationship to how many legs it has (6 legs to begin with).

They put the flea on a desk and said 'jump!' The flea jumped 6 feet in the air. The scientists noted: "the flea currently has 6 legs and jumped 6 feet."

...

What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]

Covid can't be beaten.

Unlike suspects. That's why Covid is the current #1 killer of cops in America.

Kim Jong Un is currently..

The Shrodingers cat of dictators.

From the current state of America. The movie Joker was

ahead of the curve

The current state of affairs...

Legal, but highly immoral.

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Why did Werner Heisenberg break up with his girlfriend?

He wasn't certain exactly where their relationship was currently going, but he knew that it was moving too fast.

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An ex boyfriend meets with the current boyfriend of that girl.

**Ex**: Hey bro, how does it feel like to fuck a used pussy?

**Current**: that's not so bad bro. Because after two inches it feels like all new.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

If my current career doesn’t work out I’m going try my hand as a honey farmer.

It’s my plan bee.

I Currently Teach a Class about Suicide

First Semester has been good so far, I Single Handedly Prevented the entire class from having suicidal thoughts or actually going through with it.

I Promised the class that I would do a suicide demonstration to show the perspective of a dead person. Ill be posting my experience in a few minut...

I'm currently doing whatever I can to give myself and my girlfriend the best chance of having our own house.

But so far her grandma hasn't eaten any of my "wonderful" muffins.

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

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I’m currently looking to date a very curvy bisexual.

I guess you can say I have a bi-ass.

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

The current world record for longest joke...

The current world record for longest joke is 49 minutes. The next world record will be set at the end of Trumps Presidency

5 people arrive at a police checkpoint in their car...

The policeman stops them: "You do realise you are breaking the law" he tells the driver.

Driver: "how so?"

Policeman: "what car are you driving?"

Driver: "An Audi Quattro, its very nice"

Policeman: "And there are currently 5 people in this car, correct?"

Driver: "...

How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?

One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.

When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

My friend told me that he could create a biological electric current to run through a capacitor.

I said, "weird flux but ok."

I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...

Thankfully, they didn't press charges

But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm

She's doing better currently

And conducting herself properly

But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.

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I was on vacation walking my dog on a beach in Germany when the dog decided to run in and was taken by the current

I don’t know how to swim so I screamed for help and luckily a local German jumped in after him. The man got the dog out of the water and immediately started twisting the dogs ear while slapping its ass as I sat there crying. Spontaneously my dog stood up and started breathing again and ran into my a...

Tatooine Air Traffic Controller: "Jedi 41, Tatooine Tower, confirm your current position you appear to be lost"

Captain Yoda: "Of course I am"

I'm currently hiring teenagers with expertise in time travel.

20+ years of experience required.

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Did you hear about the cockney hobo who offered no resistance to electrical current?

He was ohm-less.

Man, I hate it when the date picker for my birthday on a website starts with the current date.

Do they think that I was born yesterday?

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The best way to avoid IT issue when working from home during our current circumstances...

...is to avoid the red balloon.

I'm currently moving house. Has anyone got some spare cardboard boxes?

My ex won't let me live with her.

A charity collector paid a visit to the town miser.

"I know you made a profit of more than $500,000 last year alone. Yet you haven't made one donation to our charity!" he berated the miser.

The miser looked up in anger.
"Well, did you also know about my elderly mother, who is currently undergoing an expensive, prolonged treatment for her he...

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

I told my friend that the current prime minister of Canada is Donald Trump

It's not Tru, deau.

In the current climate you can walk in any shop that's still open with a mask on maybe even a bank and nobody will even bat an eyelid

Until they see the gun anyway

Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

I'm currently studying the Ancient Greeks.

I'm sitting in an elderly home at Athens.

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