I saw a great movie about databases today.

I can't wait for the SQL

What do database engineers, carpenters, and FIFA have in common?

They all fix tables.

Three relational databases walk into a NoSql bar. They left after 5 mins....

They couldn't find a table!

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

I'm planning to make a film series on databases.

I've got the first part ready, but I can't think of a SQL.

I've made a DataBase of some of the worst Carpool Karaoke songs ever.

It's called CarDB!

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

A database professional walks into a bar

And joins two tables.

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He is stopped in his tracks at the pearly gates by St Peter.

"My child, you are not yet permitted to enter Heaven," St Peter says.

"May I know why not?" the man asks.

"Well, you see, our database has not been updated yet and the current indication here is that you have not done ...

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Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

Why does Pennywise make such a horrible SQL database architect?

He tries to cast all the data to float.

How do you process a queue of table delete requests for an asynchronous database?

Pop, Lock & Drop It

Breakups are the best excuse.

Your friends want to go out to that restaurant you hate?

Just look sad and say: “My girlfriend and I used to love going there...”

Boom, nobody wants to go anymore. Pity works wonders.

Your boss asks you at stay late Friday night?

Look sad and say: “My girlfriend and I use...

What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?

Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

Tinder is wonderful

I've always wanted a photo database of all the girls in my city who would never go out with me

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The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

Looking for Office help..

So they put a sign in the window, that read:

HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist ...

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A man walks into a library

And sheepishly asks the librarian behind the counter "excuse me, but do you have that new book for men with small penises?".
The librarian acknowledges the request and starts typing away on her computer to check the database, she turns back to the man and says "It's not in yet..."
"That's the ...

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

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Is there a God?

Scientists have created an AI, and asked it, "Is there a God?"

The AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."

The scientists connected the AI to a powerful supercomputer and gave it access to Wikipedia, and asked it again, "Is there a God?"

Again, the AI ...

Job taken seriously

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the ...

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So this white cis male in IT says...

So this white cis male in IT says to me "I don't know what's wrong. I can SELECT from the database, but I can't UPDATE."

"Bitch, you need to check your privileges!"

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I was working as a teller at a bank when a Japanese woman walked in.

I was working as a teller at a bank when a Japanese woman walked in. She comes to the counter with a small stack of ten-thousand yen notes. "Hi, can I help you?" I said. "Yeah, How much American dorrah I can get for hundred thousand Japanese yen?" she asks. Looking up the information on the ever-cha...

Jesus and Satan were arguing about who was better with computers...

Jesus and Satan were arguing about who was better with computers, when they decided to see for sure by having a contest. Whoever could demonstrate greater skill, as judged by God, would be deemed the winner. So the two sat down at their computers and began typing, furiously creating spreadsheets, da...

Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering

The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name.

“Why,” I asked. ‘I don’t need a warranty.”

“I have to have it for our records,” explained the cashier.

Fed up with practice of companies gathering as mu...

Jesus and Satan's tech battle

One day, both Jesus and Satan got into an argument over who was better at computers. This debate lasted for so long that God decided to step in and declare a contest - each would compete against the other in a series of computer-related tasks to determine computer superiority once and for all. God w...

Topical Jokes for 6/1

A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber saying the n-word. People are calling it the least offensive Justin Bieber video ever.

In Illinois, a 115-pound-woman won a hot dog eating contest, after she ate 28 hot dogs. The judges then congratulated the 138-pound-woman.

The NSA is reportedly ...

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The Rectum Stretcher

A man is driving along one morning, speeding because he's late for work.

Suddenly, a cop pulls him over. The cop gets comes over to his car, asks for his license and registration, then plugs his name into the database to make sure he's not doing anything illegal.

While he's waiting for...

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