Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They looked at the reviews... Only 1 star.

I think Saturn's name is the best in our solar system

It has a nice ring to it

My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He's pretty good at it too.

If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

Why doesn't America use the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

Google sky asked me to rate our solar system.

You can only give it one star.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists say masturbating improves the immune system.

Use that information at your own wrist.

The American education system obviously listens to Pink Floyd…

…they've left those kids a loan.

How do American schoolkids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit upvote system reminds me of my sex life.

The first one free after that you gotta actually try

Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system.

He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, "who's running the education system?"

"Your mom," I replied.

I am 100% behind Christianity and Biblical study being a part of the American education system

This way, we will have a steady production of atheists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A survey said that people that sleep with their pets get less allergies and helps the immune system and they live longer.

Bullshit... I tried sleeping with my goldfish and nearly drowned.

An ancient aquatic system older than the pyramids has been revealed by the Australian bushfires

Australian scientists are thinking about naming them 'rivers.'

China Two Party System

Taiwan and China

Signed, Hong Kong

Why did the waiter's computer system not work?

Because of a server error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to see a doctor about his excretory system...

The doctor asks “what’s going on”, the man responds “I haven’t been able to poop in forever”. The doctor gives him a diagnoses and says

“Your full of shit!”

What do you call an average audio system?

Stereotypical

I think a lot of linux package handling systems are not good enough for the task.

But the one with Ubuntu is apt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system?

Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them.

What is the only system of government that works exactly how it's supposed to?

anarchy.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

Ludacris's mansion boasts the world's largest sprinkler system. It's so large...

He's got hose in different area codes.

I don't have a nervous system

I am a nervous system

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Johnny has a gaming system, and he liked to play a certain fighting game...

But his TV was very old, and whenever he attacked, there would be lines across the screen of the TV.

Johnny sent the TV in for repair, and was excited when he got it back. Although, still, the problem persisted.

So Johnny bought another copy of the game, thinking that the problem might...

A friend of mine wrote a book in prison about ratings systems

It was titled "Prose and Cons"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."





"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."





"I should be in charge,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex system

A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me,...

What did the digestive system say to the excretory system...

...urine for a treat!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

What is Iron Man's least favorite operating system?

ThanOS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read a book about the digestive system.

The ending was shit.

1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

A Mexican operational system would be called

TAC-OS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the penis asked the testicles why butt holes hate members of the reproductive system, the testicles replied..

They hate us ‘cause they anus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a girl buys a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun

BUT when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, hes called a pervert?

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days.

"I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said.

"Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America."

"No one does. That's how it survives."

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front

The police will watch your house for free!

Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have missiles being fired Un-supervised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to buy a new car...

The salesman at the dealership talks with him for a while and sets him up with a car that suits his needs. As he's leaving the lot, he wants to listen to some music and discovers there isn't any buttons on the stereo. He beckons over the salesman and asks "what's the deal with the stereo, I can't tu...

Did you know? If you lay an average man's circulatory system out in a straight line,

He'd die.

A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????

General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..

Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

A kid talks to his dad about coronavirus

Kid: "Dad, why is coronavirus infecting so many people?"

Dad: *explains the biology of a virus and how it affects the immune system*

Kid: "Dad, I don't get it..."

Dad: "Don't worry son, you'll get it soon enough."

Apparently there's a country in Europe where the people don't accept payment in cash, via card or even through a contactless system.

The Cheque Republic.

Robert Mugabe, Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are in a crashing aircraft.

The problem is, there's only one parachute. So Boris says, "Look here chaps, we're all democracies. Why don't we just vote on who gets the parachute?" Donald and Boris agree, and, even though they have limited time, they decide on a ballot system.

They all cast their votes, then Robert opens ...

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

I know this is a risk of being a political joke... But here is the joke:

Our Political system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

If you have a cold for a long time and your immune system is fighting it then

you are fighting a Cold War.

What's a vegan's favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?

En-salad-us

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

Ganymede left Jupiter and flew out of the solar system last week

I saw it today in the orbituaries.

America's almost finished switching to the metric system.

But they still have miles to go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anagram lovers are more likely to get corona if

* exposed to a corona infected person
* they have weak immune system
* asked to spell racoon

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

Humans advanced to the point of space domination and could create clones of themselves.

Two friends, Dill and Jeuk decided to play space tag. Dill was 'it'.

Jeuk had a clever trick up his sleeve. He created 50 clones of himself and hid them in the galaxy, while he himself hid in a cluster of comets.

After a lot of looking, Dill found the first clone in a nearby star syste...

As an American and a runner, I love the metric system.

I can quit at 3.11 miles without feeling guilty

Jesus, the flair-tagging system in this sub is weird.

See?

An American and a Chinese man are talking in a cafe. They’re engaged in a debate over their two systems of government.

The American says, “Look, our system might not be perfect, but we have freedom!”

The Chinese man asks, “Freedom to do what?”

The American responds, “Well, for one, I can go down to Washington DC, walk up to the President’s desk, and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re runni...

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

What do you call an experimental organ that’s part of the digestive system?

In-testin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mechanics professor is noticing his class is losing interest...

... so he decides to ask them a question to keep them on their toes.

*"What,"* he asks the class *"is the rate of change of speed?"*

*"Acceleration"* retorts the class.

*"And what, is the rate of change of Acceleration?"*

A couple of students in the class raises their han...

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

Communism is a System That Looks Pretty Great on Paper.

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

Evangelists don’t need health care.

They’re on the single prayer system.

What file system do Weight Watchers' computers use?

exFAT

What do you call a fashionable subway system

Metro

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

So how does the American school system work?

Do you get grades and stuff or do you just pass if you survive until you're 18

A woman pregnant with triplets was involved in a drive by shooting

She was shot three times in the belly, and a bullet hit each one of the babies. Everyone survived, but the doctor told the mother that one day, when their bodies are big enough, the kids will have to pass the bullet out of their system.

About 15 years later one of her daughters called the mot...

My wife just started a job as a doctor. She told me she wasn't sure how the hospital's "On-Call" system ...

... so I told her she should ask an oncologist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your penis is so small...

that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.

What did the US healthcare system say to the people?

Go Fund Me

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

What system was used to keep track of the Millennium Falcon's Library?

The Chewie-decimal system

Why doesn't the US use the metric system?

Because they can't stand foreign rulers.

The voice command system of my cheap driverless car broke down a few weeks ago.

It goes without saying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did God say after creating the first digestive system?

Shit just got real.

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

I asked my friend what kind of car audio system he preferred and he said it didn't matter because they were all the same...

...apparently he has a problem with stereotypes.

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The life support systems.

Today I found out that the electrician didn't connect the protective grounding system at my home.

I was shocked.

A professor asks a math student, an engineering student and a medical student what 2+2=...

A professor asked a math student, an engineering student and a medical student, "What is two plus two?"

The math student excitedly states: "That is a solvable problem. The set of integers is a closed system under addition. Two is an integer, so the sum of 2 and 2 must also be an integer. Supp...

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.