If I had to rate our solar system

I’d give it one star

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there’s a vas deferens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system?

Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them.

What did the digestive system say to the excretory system...

...urine for a treat!

Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet?

Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

A Mexican operational system would be called

TAC-OS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex system

A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me,...

What is Iron Man's least favorite operating system?

ThanOS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read a book about the digestive system.

The ending was shit.

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front

The police will watch your house for free!

What did Earth tell the other planets in the Solar System?

GET A LIFE!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Did you know? If you lay an average man's circulatory system out in a straight line,

He'd die.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd ...

... they've left those kids a loan.

Call of Duty : Black Ops 4's MTX system

Paying $32NZ for a chance at unlocking a DLC gun i want is an absolute joke

Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have missiles being fired Un-supervised.

New deep learning system achieves state of the art in solving calculus problems

Hopefully it can show me how to integrate my natural log into someone else's vector space

America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

Ganymede left Jupiter and flew out of the solar system last week

I saw it today in the orbituaries.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????

General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..

Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

America's almost finished switching to the metric system.

But they still have miles to go.

I have gotten pretty damn good at door to door sales of home security systems

When no one is home, I leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Jesus, the flair-tagging system in this sub is weird.

See?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

What do you call an experimental organ that’s part of the digestive system?

In-testin

Apparently there's a country in Europe where the people don't accept payment in cash, via card or even through a contactless system.

The Cheque Republic.

As an American and a runner, I love the metric system.

I can quit at 3.11 miles without feeling guilty

Why couldn't the system programmer breathe?

He refused to open windows.

What file system do Weight Watchers' computers use?

exFAT

An American and a Chinese man are talking in a cafe. They’re engaged in a debate over their two systems of government.

The American says, “Look, our system might not be perfect, but we have freedom!”

The Chinese man asks, “Freedom to do what?”

The American responds, “Well, for one, I can go down to Washington DC, walk up to the President’s desk, and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re runni...

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

What do you call a fashionable subway system

Metro

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

My wife just started a job as a doctor. She told me she wasn't sure how the hospital's "On-Call" system ...

... so I told her she should ask an oncologist.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

How do American school kids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

What system was used to keep track of the Millennium Falcon's Library?

The Chewie-decimal system

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

So how does the American school system work?

Do you get grades and stuff or do you just pass if you survive until you're 18

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

Communism is a System That Looks Pretty Great on Paper.

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

What did the US healthcare system say to the people?

Go Fund Me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your penis is so small...

that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.

The voice command system of my cheap driverless car broke down a few weeks ago.

It goes without saying.

Bro: So how is your new job at the hospital?

Me: I got fired. They didn't appreciate my professional IT knowledge.

Bro: That sucks man.

 

 

Earlier at the hospital,

Me: (Pointing at life support system) Have you tried to turn it ON and OFF again.

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing how they divide the collection funds between Gods work and personal use.

The priest says “I draw a circle in the center of the room, take the money and throw it into the air and what falls in the circle goes to God and the rest I keep”.

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

Why doesn't the US use the metric system?

Because they can't stand foreign rulers.

Today I found out that the electrician didn't connect the protective grounding system at my home.

I was shocked.

I asked my friend what kind of car audio system he preferred and he said it didn't matter because they were all the same...

...apparently he has a problem with stereotypes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system

Uranus is between them

Three different types of engineers are debating which of their fields God must have worked in

A mechanical engineer speaks first. "Look at the joints, look at the tendons and ligaments, look at how strong our bones are. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."


An electrical engineer chimes in. "Are you kidding me? Look at the nerves, look at the way our brain can fire off a c...

Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a women buys a dildo, it's a bit of naughty fun!

But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

Amusingly, the flow of excrement in the sewer system is well-regulated.

And thanks to modern architectural decor, it’s all in all a pretty solid waste system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did God say after creating the first digestive system?

Shit just got real.

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

Why do Artificially Intelligent systems fear popcorn?

Kernel panic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.

The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area-
people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encour...

When it comes to women, I always go by the honor system.

If you can't come in her, come on her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see my proctologist...

I went to see my proctologist for a thorough check-up.

After he looked me over, I said to him, "You know, I probably have one of the best digestive systems in the world. It's *so* good, that I ate TEN POUNDS of glitter the other day just for fun. What do you think?"

“Weird flecks. But...

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

What operating system do they use in Germany?

Mac os Nein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call your notes for a male reproductive system class?

Your dicktionary.

Why did the bakery install a security system?

To protect the dough!

Germs boost your immune system

They say that exposure germs boosts your immune system. So to ensure a healthy amount of exposure, a couple times a week I take a sip of some tea that's been sitting out for a few days. I don't plan it.....
But it still happens :(

I'm wondering why everyone doesn't use the metric system

since that 15/16 of the world's population uses it.

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say, "Hello!"

At 3 in the morning.

Whilst sitting on the end of their bed...

Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet? (Please read post)

Because this god damn joke is reposted every fucking hour.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet,

Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irony of Indian law system

I have two questions for the lawmakers of our country:

1. If the legal age of a Man to get Sexually active is 18 years and the legal age for him to get married is 21... then what are we actually suggesting he should do these 3 years?

2. Now if the legal age for a Man to get married is ...

I know of someone who uses the metric system

I really want to metre

What starts with a P and ends in a C?

The sewage system

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the...

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn’t explain why he gave it a one star tho

What's the difference between a male and a female fire sprinkler system?

The male will exhaust the fire, the female will exhaust the water supply

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

Aliens haven’t visited our solar system yet because we only have 1 star.

They’ll want to visit solar systems with 4 or 5 stars

I'm jealous of the American date system...

Because they will be able to one day write 4/20/69.

America could never switch to the metric system.

Kilometers Davis, how does that sound?

I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

New study shows that 4*20+10+7 percent of French people are unhappy with the French counting system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.