The 117+ Best System Jokes

When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.

Turns out those were just stereotypes.

Why won't Americans switch to the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet? ...

They looked at the reviews...
Only 1 star.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

It’s surprising that Jules and Vince spend so much time talking about the metric system at the beginning of Pulp Fiction

Quentin Tarantino usually only does feet

I like my girls like my file system...

FAT and 16.

What is Mexico's favourite operating system?

TacOS

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The library building based on the Dewey Decimal System

My town's new library has its floors organized according to the Dewey Decimal System. Books with a code from 001 to 099 are in the basement, and books with a code from 900 to 999 are on the top floor, for example. Books with a code from 100 to 199 are on the street-level floor by the main entrance. ...

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My eleven year old still doesn't know how to add, thanks to this shitty education system.

Seriously, who thought letting me homeschool him his whole life was a good idea?

Did you know that every planet in our solar system is named after a god?

Except Earth...which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

My home stereo system recently got elected as a member of the house of representatives

They're now the speaker of the house

I think Saturn's name is the best in our solar system

It has a nice ring to it

What is Russia's favorite operating system?

Windows

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

I'm making a documentary about the American education system.

Shooting starts soon.

What do you call a dog that provides the bass for speaker systems?

A subwoofer

I’m pitching a show about magical arts in the legal system

Subpoena the Teenage Witch

Tom Brady asked me if I could help him after his house’s air conditioning system broke.

I declined because I’m not a big fan.

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I think it's about time I upgraded my car's navigation system.

I couldn't use it last night, as the fucking stars weren't out.

I just finished a book in braille that said communism was the best political system

I mean it didn’t say it directly, but I could feel between the lines.

Why did the alien refuse to attend the solar system's party?

He heard it had no atmosphere!

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How is a system update similar to cumming?

If you don't do them for a while, both just happen when you sleep.

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

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My wife and I recently agreed to a Hall Pass system, but she made such a stupid choice.

I told her that the two women I picked were Scarlett Johansson and Gal Gadot.

But instead of celebrity hunks, my wife went with the 2 guys who cut our grass.

Even in the metric system you serve tea in tea cups, and not in

tea liters.

In Hogwarts Legacy what do you call your character sorted into Ravenclaw while omitting the use of fast travel systems?

Stairy Potter

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The sex system

A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me,...

I learnt a lot about the circulatory system today. After a lot of work, I memorised everything.

Guess you could say I know it by heart

For all the control system people, why did a plane travelling to Poland crash?

Because the Poles were on the right hand side

Which sound system technology do the Malfoys use?

Dobby Atmos

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What did God say after creating the first digestive system?

Shit just got real.

How do System of a Down stop their vocalist being electrocuted on stage?

A Serj Protector

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn’t explain why he gave it a one star tho

To all of you who say I'm "obsessed with the metric system"

Don't judge me until you've walked 1609 metres in my shoes.

What do you call a simian that lives inside a ventilation system?

Duct-ape

Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

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What does a brothel and the American school system have in common?

The workers are under paid, the building probably isn’t up to code and you’re likely to leave thoroughly fucked.

My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He's pretty good at it too.

If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

Apparently scientists are now investigating an anomaly in the European date system

They're working on it 24/7

What kind of game system does a cat play?

Ps ps ps ps ps

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, “for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.“

Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the o...

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

Why don’t they build nervous systems on robots?

They would rather give the robot a confident system.

What's an ambulance driver's favorite gaming system?

Wii U.

There are only 2 things missing in Indian Education System:

(1) Education.
(2) System.

We Americans know how to embrace the metric system

I'm an American. When I was a kid, my Dad told me, "The metric system is gonna be big. Support it and use it - the whole nine yards - every inch of the way."

Asparagus is an interesting meal, not only does it affect your diuretic system, it also helps with hunches and gut feelings.

When you eat asparagus, you can trust urine stinks.

British people like to make fun of Americans for not using the metric system.

But I’ve never heard of a single British person walking into a pub and ordering a half liter…

Why do astronauts prefer the Linux operating system.

Because you can't open Window's in space.

I'm making a killing selling home security systems...

All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.

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Uranus is the coldest place in the solar system

So it’s safe to say the sun don’t shine there.

I'm Designing a New Strategic Weapons System

It flies over enemy territory expelling thousands of tonnes of excrement.

I call it the Incontinent Ballistic Missile...

It's not graverobbing! It's a system of mining grave yards to determine the validity of transactions.

It's a new way of thinking of money! I call it crypt-o-currency.

How do American school kids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

My online gf is teaching me the metric system on our first real date…

I can’t wait to metre

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

What's the difference between a good sound system and farming for upvotes?

One is a Harman Kardon and the other is a karma hard-on.

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

Who the heck cares about learning the Roman Numeral system?

I for one...

What’s the solar system’s favorite type of egg scramble?

Sunny-Side up…

I couldn’t resist

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

I question the Education System

I was kicked out of homeschool, just for making out with the teacher.

The problem with the American two-party system is that everyone agrees one political party is stupid and the other party is evil

But they violently disagree about which one is which.

Why won't the U.S. switch to the metric system?

There would be mass confusion

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the...

how do people improve the railway system?

With a training.

My friend can’t decide what video game system to get for Christmas ...

... Nobody can console him.

I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$

I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.

I thought "well, I can't turn that down".

Did anyone get a U2. Satellite Navigation System for Christmas?

I am returning my one, The Streets have no name.

And I still haven't found what I am looking for.

Youtube is introducing a new system of recommending youtube videos

The old system seemed to be biased towards videos of old presidential candidates playing beat and tempo games, so they finally decided to retire the al-gore-rhythm

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:

“IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."

What video game system do police officers play in their cars?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

Hackers took over our system and won't give us back access to our files until we tell them how good looking they are.

It's a handsomeware attack.

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If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet,

Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be.

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

What’s a major benefit to computerizing an Air Traffic Control system?

It can be in the cloud.

What Operating System does the Infinity Gauntlet use?

ThanOS

What's your favorite numbering system?

I, for one, like Roman Numerals.

How does a solar system throw a party?

They planet.

Why do astronauts use apple computing systems in space?

Because they can't open windows

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3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

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My wife is deaf and we worked out a nice system of signals for when we want to have sex.

If I want sex, I'll tap her on the butt once. If no sex, tap her twice. If she wants to have sex, she pulls my dick once. If she doesn't want to have sex, she pulls my dick 452 times.
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What’s the metric system’s favorite game?

Follow the liter

I asked my friend what kind of car audio system he preferred and he said it didn't matter because they were all the same...

...apparently he has a problem with stereotypes.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system.

Communism is a System That Looks Pretty Great on Paper.

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

The American school system is a lot like an EA game...

It's mostly broken and if you pay more money you can access things that make you have an advantage over everyone else.

It tells you something about a school system

When grown up people need days to count some paper slips.

America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

What operating system did the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs use?

Ubuntutankhamun

I had a joke about what happens to corn in the digestive system.

But it's recycled.

Why are computer screen co-ordinate systems always in a good mood?

Because they are down-right positive!

Why Republican politicians have a better system than Democrat politicians do.

Democrat politicians bribe their supporters, but Republican supporters bribe their politicians!

Apparently there's a country in Europe where the people don't accept payment in cash, via card or even through a contactless system.

The Cheque Republic.

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There is a new toilet system being trialled.

It has a built in Internet connection.

It will automatically post your shit on Facebook, Twitter and TikTok.

There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you

Second place is just a constellation prize

My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff.

It's so nerve-wracking.

Why didn't the astronaut go on holiday to the binary solar system?

It was two sunny.

A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????

General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..

Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

How will the Judicial System improve?

By Trial and error.

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An man was in the hospital for a series of tests... ... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young nurse was about to come in the door at any moment, he hastily gathered up ...

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on?

Unix; it was decided for him.

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

We were fed lies by our education system saying that there are only four faces carved in Mount Rushmore.

How can they miss John Cena and The Rock.

I was learning about the gastrointestinal system...

It was a lot to digest.

An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter. When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:

"Gastronomical."

Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system...

and it has a 1-star rating.

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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