I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

Communism is a System That Looks Pretty Great on Paper.

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

How do American school kids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet? ...

They looked at the reviews...
Only 1 star.

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

Amusingly, the flow of excrement in the sewer system is well-regulated.

And thanks to modern architectural decor, it’s all in all a pretty solid waste system.

When it comes to women, I always go by the honor system.

If you can't come in her, come on her.

The voice command system of my driverless car stopped working days ago.

It goes without saying..

Why doesn't the US use the metric system?

Because they can't stand foreign rulers.

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

Aliens haven’t visited our solar system yet because we only have 1 star.

They’ll want to visit solar systems with 4 or 5 stars

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system

Uranus is between them

Today I found out that the electrician didn't connect the protective grounding system at my home.

I was shocked.

Why did the bakery install a security system?

To protect the dough!

What's the difference between a male and a female fire sprinkler system?

The male will exhaust the fire, the female will exhaust the water supply

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet? (Please read post)

Because this god damn joke is reposted every fucking hour.

3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The thr...

I know of someone who uses the metric system

I really want to metre

I'm wondering why everyone doesn't use the metric system

since that 15/16 of the world's population uses it.

21 Savage will have to change his name to comply with the metric system

53.34 Savage sounds fitting.

I asked my friend what kind of car audio system he preferred and he said it didn't matter because they were all the same...

...apparently he has a problem with stereotypes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dudes compering dicks (A joke in metric system)

Two dudes are boasting about their dicks.
The first dude says that his dick is 12.
The other says that it's impressive but his dick is 37.
So how did you measure it up to be 37? - wonders the first dude in disbelief.
The other answers - With Celsius thermometer.

Edit: spelling.

On January 13, 2018, everyone in Hawaii was mad about the malfunction of the early warning system, the fools…

Hawaii IS the early warning system…

Yoda’s short, talks funny, has a name that ends in a vowel, and lived in a system with “dago” in the title.

It’s pretty clear he was Italian.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In Feudal Japan, there was a system that determined who sat in the highly favored front position of carts.

You had to call Shogun.

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say, "Hello!"

At 3 in the morning.

Whilst sitting on the end of their bed...

It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system.

I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it.

I'm jealous of the American date system...

Because they will be able to one day write 4/20/69.

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

Someone once told that there’s little difference between the male and female reproductive systems. But in reality...

There’s a vas deferens.

What do you call a vacuum that interferes with the legal system?

Obsuction of justice

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Irony of Indian law system

I have two questions for the lawmakers of our country:

1. If the legal age of a Man to get Sexually active is 18 years and the legal age for him to get married is 21... then what are we actually suggesting he should do these 3 years?

2. Now if the legal age for a Man to get married is ...

Someone broke into my car but they only stole the sound system.

It was grand theft audio.

America could never switch to the metric system.

Kilometers Davis, how does that sound?

Here are the 10 best number systems.

1. Binary

2. Decimal

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet,

Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new planet has emerged in the solar system and he happens to be male

He soon finds that all of the other planets except for Uranus are also male. As the only female in the solar system, he assumes all the other planets will be flocking to her. Instead, they are all just floating and not doing anything.
The new planet asks Mars, “Why aren’t you guys all over Uranu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did God say after creating the first digestive system?

Shit just got real.

If I'm ever on life support in an ICU and don't wake up from a coma, please turn the system off.

And then back on and see if that works.

What do you call someone that's really into drainage systems?

A Connoi-sewer

Did you hear about the husband who found that his wife had run off with the man who installed their security system?

He became quite alarmed

New study shows that 4*20+10+7 percent of French people are unhappy with the French counting system.

​

It always makes me smile when people suggest switching to the metric system.

Or should it rather make me skilometer?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the...

My girlfriend is happy the metric system was invented

Otherwise I’d have never meter.

Although, if I ever felt it wasn’t working out, I’d break up with her immediately. I would never liter on.

At the Washington Summit in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan asked Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev in private if the rumored "Dead Hand" nuclear retaliation system really existed.

Gorbachev laughed and patted Reagan on the back, saying "no, comrade, is only blyat earth conspiracy."

Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt?

Pyramid schemes.

I just bought a U2 GPS system for my car

But it's useless. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

How does a solar system throw a party?

They planet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know that when you the sperm originally enters the vagina the female immune system tries to destroy it? But later on it helps it get to the egg....

This is the just another example of a woman not being able to make up her mind

When I was a kid, my teacher told the whole class to go home and smoke or drink. Get it out of your system. After that, you will never feel like doing it again. Thanks to him, I never smoked or touched alcohol after that night of trying.

I moved to bigger things. I am a crack addict now.

What do novice piano players have in common with embedded systems programmers?

They both write in C.

I bought a mint condition vintage HiFi system

My wife said it's a waste of money, but I think it's a sound investment.

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn’t explain why he gave it a one star tho

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

What’s type of boat does the metric system hate?

Galleons

What’s the best operating system?

ThanOS. It maximizes its resources by periodically killing half of its processes.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

Which fruit defends their clients in the juridical system?

The advocato

The news said that the Thai boys trapped in the cave system had no idea about the world outside following the happenings of the rescue, so I guess you could say that....

They were in the dark about their situation!

If the US switched from the standard measurement system to metric overnight,

there would be mass confusion.

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

Why did the CPU kill the operating system?

It was executing instructions.

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

There are two types of nations in this world....

Those who use the Metric system....

​

And those who have been to the moon.

Which character in Game of thrones has a healthy digestive system

Bran

I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

What’s DJ Khaled say his favorite gaming system is?

Wii the best

Metric system isn't popular in the United States?

Nonsense, just look how popular are two-liter bottles and nine-millimeter bullets

Why did the singer of System of a Down open a restaurant?

Because of his self-righteous soup and sides.

Why did the starship captain buy a sub-lightspeed propulsion system that he didn't need?

It was an impulse purchase.

For anyone who isn't aware, this is a star trek fathers day joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When a woman gets a vibrator

It's seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lies in shit.

A little boy went up to his dad and asked the meaning of politics. The father explained, calling himself the capitalist as he was the earning member of the house, the boy’s mother the government as she looked after the house and administered money, his son the public as he would see everything going...

How are the British taking to the Metric System?

Inch by inch

I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act and it was one of those automated phone system which said...

“Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

Did you hear about the new operating system for people with herpes?

It's all open sores.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

Y’know, communism is definitely the best system of government.

Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

How does our solar system hold its pants up?

With an asteroid belt.

America really needs to work on its education system

I mean I hear China has kids working for Apple