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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

What's an ambulance driver's favorite gaming system?

Wii U.

Youtube is introducing a new system of recommending youtube videos

The old system seemed to be biased towards videos of old presidential candidates playing beat and tempo games, so they finally decided to retire the al-gore-rhythm

British people like to make fun of Americans for not using the metric system.

But I’ve never heard of a single British person walking into a pub and ordering a half liter…

I asked my Argentine friend why SEGA systems were so popular there in the late '80s.

He replied, "No nintendo."

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:

“IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."

Hackers took over our system and won't give us back access to our files until we tell them how good looking they are.

It's a handsomeware attack.

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews... but we only had one star

Two farmers each own a horse which they keep in the same field.

Each horse has a different coloured rubber band on its tail. Whenever the farmers visit, they feel carefully down the tail of each horse to find the rubber band, check the colour, and then take their horse for a ride.

This system works for many years until they arrive at the field one morning...

I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$

I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.

I thought "well, I can't turn that down".

Why are computer screen co-ordinate systems always in a good mood?

Because they are down-right positive!

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

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What does a brothel and the American school system have in common?

The workers are under paid, the building probably isn’t up to code and you’re likely to leave thoroughly fucked.

What Operating System does the Infinity Gauntlet use?

ThanOS

What’s the metric system’s favorite game?

Follow the liter

There are only 2 things missing in Indian Education System:

(1) Education.
(2) System.

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

There's a technique in theoretical physics that models complex systems as spherical cows.

The Your Mom approach.

Why don’t podiatrist use the metric system?

Because they get paid by the foot.

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Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points ...

Why is our political system falling?

The right wing doesn't cooperate with the left wing.

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How does a horny librarian sort books?

They use the do me decimal system.

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?

The e-mail was on the weighty matter of the nature of hell, as allegedly posed by a Dr Robert Shambaugh of the University of Oklahoma school of chemical engineering. It purports to be a final exam question from May 1997.

His May 1997 question for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class ...

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

Did anyone get a U2. Satellite Navigation System for Christmas?

I am returning my one, The Streets have no name.

And I still haven't found what I am looking for.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

The American school system is a lot like an EA game...

It's mostly broken and if you pay more money you can access things that make you have an advantage over everyone else.

Why Republican politicians have a better system than Democrat politicians do.

Democrat politicians bribe their supporters, but Republican supporters bribe their politicians!

My friend can’t decide what video game system to get for Christmas ...

... Nobody can console him.

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A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

We Americans know how to embrace the metric system

I'm an American. When I was a kid, my Dad told me, "The metric system is gonna be big. Support it and use it - the whole nine yards - every inch of the way."

What operating system did the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs use?

Ubuntutankhamun

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Joke about Silicon Integraded Systems (super dark) (not funny)

"*if i was in a room, with a pistol with 2 bullets, and in this room there were, Hitler, Stalin and a SIS Integrated GPU, i woud shoot the SIS card 2 times*"

I asked my German friend how many planets in our Solar System

Surprisingly he said "Nine"

Two physicists and two mathematicians are invited to a conference at university

(You may think you’ve heard this before but I’ve got a twist on the ending)

The four guys meet up and find a train to the conference.

At the train station, the physicists buy two tickets each, but the mathematicians only buy one.

They board the train and begin talking, but when...

A Blonde woman moves into a brand new neighbourhood,

The following evening her house catches fire and starts burning quickly, she quickly calls emergency services and gets put through to the fire department,
Blonde: Hello my house is burning down, you must come quickly.
Fire Chief: Ok no problem tell us where you live.
Blonde: It's a new h...

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

The misunderstanding (joke)

One day, a man from America who has recently moved to Britain, is meeting with an employer. The employer says “ hi, it’s nice to meet you! So what did you do for a living in America?”. The man replies “oh,I was a baker”, but because of the different accents, the employer heard “ oh, I was a banker “...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

My New OS

So I programmed an new Operating System.

I named it as a "Tetra-Hedral Artificial Neural Operating System."



Unfortunately, ThanOS took over my computer and wiped out half my files.

I had a joke about what happens to corn in the digestive system.

But it's recycled.

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

How will the Judicial System improve?

By Trial and error.

It tells you something about a school system

When grown up people need days to count some paper slips.

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An man was in the hospital for a series of tests... ... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young nurse was about to come in the door at any moment, he hastily gathered up ...

Who the heck cares about learning the Roman Numeral system?

I for one...

Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on?

Unix; it was decided for him.

When I woke in the hospital, I was told they'd had to use a defibrillator on me.

It was quite a shock to the system.

I was learning about the gastrointestinal system...

It was a lot to digest.

Boss: How is it that you are always sick on weekdays?

Me: It’s my weekend immune system.

I think Saturn's name is the best in our solar system

It has a nice ring to it

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

Why didn't the astronaut go on holiday to the binary solar system?

It was two sunny.

Free Haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber...

Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system...

and it has a 1-star rating.

What's your favorite numbering system?

I, for one, like Roman Numerals.

My wife is a paralegal and said there's no such thing as "paralegal jokes," here's my attempt: How many paralegals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four. One to screw in the bulb, one to log the bulb paperwork into the system, one to draft a summary on the changing of the bulb, and one to submit a report confirming the other two submitted their reports.

There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you

Second place is just a constellation prize

The American education system obviously listens to Pink Floyd…

…they've left those kids a loan.

Hungarian joke from the 1950s

Definition of socialism: the incessant struggle against conditions that would not exist in any other system.

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together trying to one-up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek says "We have the Parthenon!"

The Indian replies "Well we have the Taj Mahal."

The Greek says "We gave birth to advanced mathematics!"

The Indian replies "But we invented the number zero."

The Indian says "We invented the caste system".

The Greek replies ...

Enterprise maintenance log, stardate 2259.55: Today, the main sewage system got jammed by the captain's log again.

Medical promised to recommend a change to his diet.

My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He's pretty good at it too.

If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter. When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:

"Gastronomical."

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My wife is deaf and we worked out a nice system of signals for when we want to have sex.

If I want sex, I'll tap her on the butt once. If no sex, tap her twice. If she wants to have sex, she pulls my dick once. If she doesn't want to have sex, she pulls my dick 452 times.
Copied comment from u/TooShiftyForYou from r/videos

I got a new plant that survives on water and learning new words...

It's cool and all, but I had to install a hydro-phonics system.

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

i saw an ad for a cheap home sound system with the volume stucked on high

I couldn’t turn it down

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

We were fed lies by our education system saying that there are only four faces carved in Mount Rushmore.

How can they miss John Cena and The Rock.

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

Did you guys hear that the USPS system is backlogged by a week or two?

I just got the news from my mailman.

Imagine the US switched to the metric system.

Everyone would be kilogramming your mom.

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TIL Hell is just Heaven’s Sewer System

Holy Shit!

By best friend just made fun of me after I got struck by lightning and had my nervous system damaged

And I must say, it really struck a nerve with me

Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god,

Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

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pa system: attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

**sloth:** oh shit oh shit

People can't seem to distinguish the male reproductive system from the female...

But I would say there's a vas deferens, and no womb for argument.

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

My immune system is racist

Every time it finds a foreign body it tries to eliminate it.

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The sex system

A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me,...

What’s Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

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