UPJOKE
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There's going to be a list published of the top 10 most viewed porn videos.

What is the world coming to?

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

I watched a video on how to improve my foreplay

It wasn't too bad once I skipped past the boring part at the beginning.

What does a werewolf YouTuber say at the end of his videos?

Don't forget to lycan subscribe!

What is a skunk's favorite video game?

Fartnite

My husband and I were chilling on the couch. Him playing a video game and me on Reddit. When he looks over at me sweetly and asks me if I want to play around.

I got excited and started leaning in for a kiss when he handed me the video game remote. I realized the importance of a space very quickly.
>!He was asking if I wanted to ‘play a round’!<

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

What do you call a video of an emo, appearing in a video game??

A cut scene.

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What's a woman from West Virginia's favorite video game franchise?

Smash Brothers.

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Which character is the gayest video game character of all time?

Pacman — who eats 200 balls each game.

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games.

He said Wii.

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What is Hitler's favourite video game?

Mein kraft

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I like my sex life like how I like my video games

Single player

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only...

...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.

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What’s a cat’s favorite part of a video game?

The PAWS button!

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

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Why do grandmas always watch porn videos until the very end?

To see if they get married.

YouTube keeps showing me videos of vice-presidents dancing.

Must be the Al Gore Rhythm…

Dating in 2020's is like video games lootboxs

You don't know what you are getting unless you pay enough money and discover later on

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

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So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

a joke that i saw in a youtube video a few years back

Two markets were flying in the the sky, when suddenly Market 1 stops and says "Wait a minute, markets don't fly", to which Market 2 responds "Oh, right" before falling down to the ground. Upon landing Market 2 looks up and sees Market 1 still up above, so he shouts "Why are you still flying? Markets...

Now that there are YouTube shorts does that make all the other videos longs?

Or Pants?

I dressed up as Spider-Man in my last video and I got 2 copyright strikes!

One from Marvel and one from Fleshlight.

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

How do amputees win video games?

Single-handedly

I went to video shop the other day and said can I borrow batman forever?

He said no. You’ll have to bring it back on Tuesday.

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"



A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."<...

I saw a video on the news the other night of the former president with his hand shoved up under his arm making musical farting noises... I really enjoyed it!

I love a good Trump-pit solo!

Why are you always watching other people play video games on Twitch son? Sounds boring.

Anyway, gotta catch the football game on TV.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

My wife is into these pimple popping videos on YouTube.

She's completely abcessed.

I love video games with a female protagonist.

It's a breath of fresh air when you're married to a female antagonist.

I beat my chiropodist at poker, pool, darts, table tennis AND 15 different video games, but at no point did he stop smiling.

The man knows how to deal with de feet.

What's the difference between Reddit's video player and the US Congress?

The US Congress occasionally works

If video games were a human body, which would be the worst part?

Defeat

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New Style

Man: *Stops having sex.*

Woman: What are you doing?

Man: I saw this in a porn video once. It's called buffering.

An orchestra is performing Chopin

Halfway through the performance a cellist bursts into the concert hall, late and drunk as a skunk. He then pushes his way to his seat and starts awkwardly sawing away at his cello as if nothing was awry.

The conductor was furious! He snapped his baton and dove at the cellist, choking him to d...

Me and my girlfriend split up because she said I thought about video games too much.

It’s such a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

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An XM station was looking for a sportscaster...

An XM sports station was looking for a new sportscaster for play-by-play commentary for football games. The producer had two possible candidates lined up, and he brought them to meet the station manager.

The station manager was impressed by the first young man. He was bright, well-spoken, dre...

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Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos

It's for sick fucks.

what kind of video games do dogs like?

Anyone with a fetch quest

What is Will Smith's favorite mobile video game?

Slap Kings

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My first YouTube video!

I'm starting a YouTube channel! My first video will be a poor edit of my weird opinions on Japanese mushrooms supposedly giving you diarrhea.

"Shit takes of shit takes on Shiitake shit aches"

I recently came home to my wife, slightly drunk, watching something on the TV. "No! Don't go in there! Don't be so stupid!" she was shouting...

Turns out she was watching our wedding video.

Just a friendly 4th of July reminder

That absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the fireworks you recorded on your phone

"Zoom meetings" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"...

Or something shorter, like "co-vid".

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What does a Tiktok video and a penis have in common

They're not very long, only last for 30 seconds, and are always dissapointments.

What do you call a high resolution video taken during Jesus' resurrection?

ADHD

Whenever the wife and I fight I sit down and watch my wedding video in reverse

I take the wedding band off her finger, hand her back to her dad and walk out of the chapel with my best mate

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

My son video called me this morning.

He said “Dad, couldn’t you have given me a better name than video?”

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My girlfriend said that we will do something from a porn video for you birthday.

I didn't like it when she started to fuck the pizza delivery guy.

I Tried to walk out of my job at the Video game company

But in the end I couldn't get past the boss

Thomas the Tank Engine's friend Fernando, who does the Mexico route was caught on dash cam video accelerating instead of braking for a stuck church van full of disabled children while yelling obscenities and screaming USA USA

When asked about his reasons for such carnage he said he's just loco and those are loco motives.

(Made it up with my son)

What did the video say to audio?

You are missing the big picture.

( This is an original)

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Three devout Italian nuns passed away…

Alt the gate, St Peter said they could come in - but as a reward for having led absolutely blameless lives, he would allow them all to return to Earth in the body of anyone, living or dead, at any time of their lives, for 6 months.

The first thought a bit, and said she would like to be Sophia...

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

A joke I found on the comments section of a youtube video.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to...

what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

Free speech in China

Here is a joke I posted on r/Sino that got me banned from there:

A liberal Western bourgeois bohemian meets with a capitalist Chinese Maoist Communist in a bar. The Western liberal brags to the Chinese communist that in her country, she has so much free speech that she can stream videos to m...

I just watched this cool video about Pluto’s reclassification!

It was very ex-planetary.

Watched a video about handicaps

Strangely the comments weren't disabled

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

My ex wife kept the only copy of our wedding video.

I can’t see myself getting married again.

What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet?

A YouTUBER.

I had a dream (true story) that I was watching YouTube videos on how to turn large animals into cars.

Taxidermy.

I made a video about the symbiotic relationships between fungus and algae

Don't forget to lichen subscribe!

Saw some videos about the fires burning near Athens.

Apparently nobody told the firefighters that you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.

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What is Hitler's video-game called?

Mein Craft.

If Reddit was a video game, it'd be really broken and unbalanced

Because everyone would be OP

This joke's idea comes from somewhere I can't remember. I was watching MKay's or FakeJake's video (It was several days ago, and they both post videos reading reddit post.) and I come across the first half of my joke (It isn't a joke, the person was actually asking for the advice through messages.)

Person A: Bro, I need your advice. How do I kindly reject a person. Person B has confessed to me, and I'm not ready yet. He's interesting, but I don't want to date, yet. I told him to wait until tomorrow for my answer.

A's Bro: Tell him, "You and I are reading the same book. But, you are seve...

A blonde and a brunette are watching the evening news...

When a story comes on with a video of a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The brunette says, "I'll bet you $20 he jumps." The blonde replies, "I'll take that action!"

After watching for 5 minutes or so the man jumps from the bridge and the blonde reluctantly gives $20 to the brune...

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This morning my daughter asked if she could watch titty videos.

Did you know that sometimes little kids make a t sound when they mean to make a k sound?

Anyway I gotta go I'm in a bunch of trouble.

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

My friend just emailed me a compressed nsfw video

sigh... *unzips*

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