UPJOKE
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Muster Up Jokes

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was very nearly on a gameshow.

It was called Number Quest and involved answering math based question while standing in large numbered circles.

Anyway, just before I went on, I really needed to pee, but the producer was shouty and intimidating, so I was too afraid to ask. Plus it was live, so I didn’t think I had time.
...

The king asks his tax collector

"How much have we collected in taxes this quarter"

The tax collector replies "im afraid our villages were raided by bandits m'lord, the villages have had to pay thier taxes in chickens"

With an outward sigh of mild irritation the king speaks "well man how many chickens did you manage t...

Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover?

A: When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum.

A group of church ministers start a bowling team. What do they call themselves?

I was walking across the street at work today and an old man grabbed my arm, somewhat suddenly. I immediately thought he needed helped crossing the street, but he appeared to be moving fine, regardless of his cane. We kept walking as he held tightly to my arm. He started speaking, "a group of church...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

The neighbors (I've only heard it told in Russian but don't know if it's originally Russian)

Yuriy is walking along the sidewalk one day when he notices posters advertising a competition for the whole town. The contestants have to swim across a river which no one has ever crossed before due to extreme rapids and plant the town's coat of arms in order to impress incoming administrative offi...

Wait a minute

Serious answer, here's the longest joke I know by heart.

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at his notebook, then back to them and says "we have something interesting here. All three of you died at roughly the same time and in roughly the ...

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