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Summon Jokes

Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gamblin...

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

What do you call a Jewish magician who only summons furniture?

Bench Appearo.

What do Italian Satanists try to summon?

The Antipasta

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

Putin summoned an aide and said,

“I know you spread jokes about me. It's impertinent."
Aide:: "Why?"
Putin “I am the Great Leader, Teacher, and Friend of the people after all."
Aide: "I swear, I have never told anybody this joke."

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I got a court summons along with my cocktail

It was a subpoena colada

A dislexic cultist tried to summon satan.

He was told he was on the naughty list.

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God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

The conscript receives a summons to the army

He is afraid, so he says to his friend:

\- Knock out all my teeth, then they won't take me into the army!

A friend knocks out his teeth, as he asks.

The next day they meet again.

A friend asks him:

\- How are you?

The conscript replies, lisping terribly:
...

A mother is on her deathbed...

A 90 year-old mother is on her deathbed. Summoning her last bit of strength, she lifts her head and whispers: "Is my beloved husband John here with me?" And John says, "Yes, I am here."
She then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes Moth...

The director of the sperm bank summoned the blonde receptionist.

\-It's nice that you're polite to people who drop by here, he began, -but when they're on their way out again, I think you should say something other than, -"Thank you for coming!"-

A man summons a genie from a lamp

The genie says he’ll grant 3 wishes.The man’s first wish is for infinite wishes.Well the genie tells the man that he can’t wish for more wishes.So the man wishes for an umbrella.The genie does so and then ask “Why do you need an umbrella?”.The man then says “Now shove it up your ass”. With a painful...

The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".

The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
...

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

How do you summon a daemon?

$ sudo launchctl load -w /System/Library/LaunchDaemons/ssh.plist

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.

He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church. Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time. At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned. The priest...

Just got a Jury Summons

That’s the last time I do a seance in a court house.

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

I got summoned for jury duty today...

When my name was eventually called, this blonde bombshell prosecutor looked me up and down then immediately dismissed me.

Something about not wanting to risk a "hung jury".

What did the Cult of the Train summon?

Choochoolu

One day, Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

"Why is everything here so bad?" he asks. "What should I do to make Russia great again?"

"Execute the government and paint the Kremlin blue," says Stalin.

"Why blue?" asks the perplexed Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

How many grams of material are needed to summon satan?

5, all you need is a pentagram

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

A duke is summoned to meet with the king.

He arrives to find only the king and his trusted adviser Reginald.

Reginald turns to the duke and begins trying to convince him to murder the king.

The king is shocked and exclaims the to duke "Who's side are you on?"

The Duke replies "Reggie's side."


AN: As far as I ...

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A man summons his nurse in the recovery room

He pulls her close and asks “Are my testicles black?”
The nurse, is somewhat taken aback but lifts the bedsheets to check, moves some stuff around and says “No.”

A while later the nurse comes back in and is again asked “can you please check and see if my testicles are black?”
Again the ...

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

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The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.

It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too ...

A pop star who summons ghosts, AKA...

Seancé

1008 AD - A tall knight is summoned by his lord...

On the way to the lord's castle, the knight, one Sir Richard of River's Bank is surprised to see that the fields are empty, and the serfs are nowhere in sight. When he arrives, he asks his lord if the summons has anything to do with the absence of the workers in the field, and his lord replies that...

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Al Capone summons a man he lent money to

Al Capone gets his thugs to bring a man to him who has stolen $50,000 from him. Unfortunately the man speaks a language Al Capone, nor his thugs understand so they have to get a translator.

Al Capone tells the translator, 'ask him where the money is'
'Where is the money' the translator say...

Ryan Lochte will be summoned to Rio for hearing.

But he says he's probably not gonna go. His ears work pretty good already.

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The White Man, the Black Man and the Jew are summoned in front God

"It is time to chose your noses for your particular races", said God.

"White man, how would you like your nose to look like?"

"Where we live it's quite cold so I would like to have a long nose so that the air could be warmed up a bit when we breath in."

"Black man, how would you...

The white missionary was summoned by the African Chieftain one day...

The Chieftain tells the missionary, “word has reached me that a white baby has been born down the road a ways, and there is not a single other white man within a thousand miles,”
The missionary thinks on it for a second, then turns to look out the window. He responds to the Chieftain, “you must ...

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Once I summoned the Devil to grant my every wish.

The Devil appeared in my summoning circle, pitchfork in hand, horns on his head and a smirk on his face. 'Alright, mortal, I'll grant you three, but no more 'til the usual fee!'

As planned, I immediately shouted, 'I wish for 900 more!'

'No can do, unless you're willing to cough up!'...

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What did the Shit Summoner say at the bar ?

Mind if I pull up a stool ?

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

The shy wife

A friend of mine is married to a very shy woman, one who has much difficulty talking about anything related to s-e-x, and her husband was her first and only partner, though she knew he had had some experience prior to their wedding night. It was no surprise, then, that it took her five years to sum...

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So Queen of Englad was bored and summoned an American, a frenchman and a russian...

They gather at the palace. The queen says: "Bring me your greatest weapon!". And so they went and came back. The frenchman brought a pistol, the american - an assault rifle while the russian is nowhere to be seen.
The queen got tired of waiting and said the rest: " now take those weapons and sho...

A dad and his son are out camping when they hear a loud roar from outside their tent.

Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They stop and watch ...

The Invasion of Normandy

It was a tough morning on the Omaha beach, and the landing of the Allied troops was not going well. The beach was riddled with obstacles and mines, and the German gunfire was relentless.

Suddenly, the Allied men notice a man emerging from the waters. “I can help you”, he declares in deep voic...

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

A doctor was examining a nun

Suddenly, the nun fainted dead away & the doctor was forced to summon emergency aid.

"What happened!?!" asked one nurse as the EMTs worked on the nun.

"Well, I examined her and I told her she was pregnant."

"She is?!" yelled the nurse.

"Actually, no" said the doctor ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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Comrade Nichiporuk is interrogated by the KGB

An oldie but a goodie:


So, an old peasant named Mykola Nichiporuk is summoned to the KGB. The KGB officer in charge of his interrogation asks, "Comrade Nichiporuk, we have received information that you are receiving money orders from Israel. Why is that?"

Mykola explains, "Well, du...

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

A cop pulls over an old couple…

Asks for license and registration and asks do you know how fast you were going sir?

- husband: “gee officer Im not sure”
- wife: 85 mph officer, he passed several signs before you pulled him over”
The husband then looks the wife with the corner of his eye obviously upset

The poli...

Murphy

You ever lit a smoke to summon a bus ?

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A Soviet Jew applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

“I see that you want to move to Israel?” asks the KGB interrogator. The Jewish man nods.

“Here in the USSR, don’t you have food to eat?”

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”

“And here in the USSR, don’t you have place to live?”...

A man walks into a bar, takes a small piano out of his bag and then a tiny man. the tiny man starts playing the piano.

The bartender asks the gentleman "what's up"?
The gentleman explains how he found a magic lamp with a genie inside and he grants wishes. The gentleman says if you give me a couple free drinks I will gladly let you make a wish.
The bartender thinks, ok what's the worst that can happen.
The b...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

The Roman soldiers surrounded Jesus as he was nearing his last breath atop the large hill, affixed to the cross.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes...

Trump and Obama meets during inauguration.

Trump asks: Barack, your approval ratings are pretty high. I love ratings bigly. Can you give me some tips?

Obama: The key is having a strong administration. I make sure that my administration not only works hard but is also composed of smart people.

Trump: What do you mean?

Oba...

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A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

A missionary is in a tribal village in Africa.

One day the chief summons him. The chief is angry, and brings out a white baby.

"My wife just had a white baby. You are the only white man in the village. What have you done??"

The missionary thinks, then brings the chief outside, to a field. He points to a flock of sheep.

"This...

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

Three people in the Amazon forest get caught by a tribe...

They were being held by the tribesmen outside the village. The head tribesman who speaks English tells them, "You have trespassed into our territory. As we are a considerate folk, you have the option to choose either Jhingalala for a minute or Death. You can give me your choice when you are summoned...

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The king is afraid that the queen was disloyal to him and had sex with the castle guards.

So the king got a witch to put a magical spell on the queen so that anything that goes into the queen’s body gets chopped off.

One day, the king decides to summon all the men up and orders them to show him their private parts.
All the men had no penis except one of them.
The king walk...

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The Aquarium [NSFW]

So this guy who works in an aquarium gets summoned by his boss, who says to him: "I just walked by the dolphin tank and they're feeling very amorous. They're doing all sorts of things to each other. In two hours we've got three bus loads of second graders coming, and we can't have them watching thos...

An inverse exorcism...

When you have to summon Satan to get the priest out of the boy.

Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer?

They keep summoning the Task Manager

(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)

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If this doesn't bring a tear to your eyes you must have a heart made of stone.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, in...

The Legend of the King and the Fisherman

After the palace meteorologist assured them there was no chance of rain, the King and the Queen went fishing.

On the way, they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and they asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesties, you should return to the palace...

A man walks into a bar......

An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the th...

(OC) Arthur C Clarke was watching Star Wars with his family when he began ranting and raving.

“What is this film?” He snarled. “All they do is lay lands, tap them to produce mana and use that mana to summon creatures and cast devastating spells. I was expecting a space romp.”

“Arthur, come now,” his wife said, “that’s not what this film is about at all!”

“Ignorant woman,” he re...

A very experienced man...

A man visits a house of ill-repute. He tells the woman, "I've seen everything and done it all. I need an experience I've never had before."
The madam summons a rather plain looking young woman and says, "This is Susan. She's for you."
The man seems unimpressed but resigns himself to the choice...

After my dad died, we found an old book hidden away in his study.

It was bound in some sort of leather, and emblazoned with the title “TO SUMMON THE DREADED ANCIENT ONE”.
When we opened it, all it contained was gran’s phone number.

If you only bought one ticket you only get one sear

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater, as people were taking their seats for the show. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“S...

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kil...

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

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Son to father

Son: Dad , maths teacher has summoned you.

Dad: what did you do now?

Son: he asked what is 5 times 10, i said 50. Now whats 10 times 5

Father: what kind of shitfuckery is this?

Son: exactly thats what i said.

next day…

Son: Did you visit maths teacher?
...

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A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night

He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellb...

Three women die and go to heaven

When they get to the pearly gates, St Peter greets them, saying "Welcome to Heaven, we hope you enjoy it here, and please don't tread on the ducks"

The women think this kind of odd but decide not to ask too many questions, and they go and start to settle in.

A couple of days pass and t...

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Paulie Walnut's Pope joke from Sopranos S5E1: cut to punchline only due to length

The Pope is sick and none of the Vatican doctors can figure it out. They summon an old wise man from the hills. He examines the Pope and says he's got a terminal case of blue balls. The only cure is for him to have sex, and the Cardinals go nuts. Finally, the Pope agrees but gives four condition...

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