A man who collects model trains was driving his wife insane with all the money he was spending on his hobby

One day, he went too far and spent nearly $1000 on a model train. His wife was so furious she took the train and broke it over his head.
So he took her to court for domestic caboose.

I collect binary variables

Someday I'll be a booleanaire

I collect records....

it's my decision and that's vinyl.

Why don't local government prioritize the concerns of laborers who collect minerals in caves?

They're only miner issues.

I used to collect marbles

I used to collect marbles.





























Then I lost them.

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A doctor has been doing circumcisions for 30 years, and he's collected all the foreskins. (NSFW)

He has them all in a box, and decides he should do something with them. He takes them to a taxidermist and asks him to make something out of them.

A few weeks later, he returns to the taxidermist, who pulls out a small box and sets it on the counter. The doctor opens the box and there is a wa...

The combination of legalized marijuana and Canadas cold winter brings us to a state of collective...

High-brrr-nation

Who collects the souls of people who die while fixing things?

The Grim Repair.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

There were 4 squirrels.Squirrels A, B, C, and D. Winter was coming so they started collecting and burying food for hibernation.

A, managed to find a couple of berries lying around. B, found some acorns and seeds for his food.
C unfortunately, wasn't able to find anything.
D however, accumulated an abundance of walnuts, surely this will help him get through the winter.
A,B, and C, saw what D had and decided to jump ...

So I was training to collect pollen

And my final grade was a B

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition ‟For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time.” The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

I know a guy who collects candy canes

They're all in mint condition.

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It's autumn and the Indians want to collect woods for winter

The Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and ...

A friend collects watches and sometimes will wear a many as 6 watches on each arm.

He has way too much time on his hands.

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

How do you call a German collecting money for charity?

Krautfunding

Which Disney movie would Rick Astley not let you borrow from his collection?

He's never gonna give you Up

I just traded my collection of 18th century nun attire for some Bruce Willis movies

Old habits Die Hard.

When women get to a certain age, they start collecting cats.....

This is known as the many paws.

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

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I heard your mom loves collecting birds....

She always up for a cockatoo.

I used to have a job collecting leaves

I was raking it in

A boy in egypt collects water at the nile

A crocodile sees this boy and slowly swims to the boy. The boy notices the crocodile to late and tries running away. He trips over a root and falls. The crocodile swallows him trying to devour him completely. As the boy is almost completely within the crocodile with only his head is sticking out, a ...

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door:

She: "What do you want, Sonny?"

He: "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?"

She: "Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?"

He: "S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was a...

I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums.

I need Help.

I'm going to start collecting highlighters

Mark my words

A United States was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared away Marine would do. He went ar...

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

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Roger is a hard worker and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”


They are seated and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, R...

When my grandfather died I found out he had a massive collection of clocks he built and was pretty popular

I later found out through a typo he was more popular for other things

[First Date] Her: So what do you do for a hobby?

Him: I collect complete season DVDs of 90s sitcoms.

Her: Do you have Friends?

Him: No.

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I have a highly collectible wristwatch from the Third Reich...

It's a Swatch-ticker

Death comes to collect a man’s soul.

When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party. Death tells the man why he has come.

The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.

The man sadly agrees but asks death if he...

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The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

When I get rich I’ll start to collect French impressionist art.

I’ll put my Monet where my mouth is.

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.

James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad...

The Horse Challenge (LONG)

Every year, during fair season, a local farmer takes his horse and sets up a booth at various fairs. The rules are simple and the reward is great; make his horse nod yes and then shake his head no- doing this earns a $500 prize.

As it so happens fair season is in full swing, and the farmer...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

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Why do archaeologists collect used tampons?

They like to figure out what period they came from..

My friend went to the doctors worrying that he had caught the Coronavirus from his complete collection of Matt Groening animation figures.

Luckily his diagnosis was negative, despite having all the Simpsons.

Did you hear about Trump’s collection of styrofoam wildebeests?

Probably for the best, it was fake gnus, anyways....

A different game of thrones

Long ago a then famous reporter of the times traveled to a little known kingdom deep in the heart of Africa, accompanied by translators and bearers of course. It was not very technologically advanced, with no plumbing and clay and stray being the primary building materials.

Upon arrival he w...

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My friend, who studies mice, wanted a specific rodent to complete his collection.

He asked me to find one for him. I searched far and wide for a homosexual rodent of the Ming subspecies (that was his request).

After a few months, I found a rodent that matched his request. But when I gave it to him, he slapped me.

I was shocked. "Why did you slap me?", I asked out of...

My friend stole cheese from my cheese collection

How dairy

Apparently rick Astley is really stingy with his Disney DVD collection.

Yeah he’ll share toy story, but he’s never gonna give you Up.

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A guy walks up to a bartender with $10,000 in cash.

He says, "Hey bartender, I've got a bet for you. I bet you this ten grand that you can put this shot glass at the other end of the bar, and I can piss in it from over here without spilling a single drop."

The bartender ponders and ponders, and finally decides this is iron clad. No way he can ...

What do wars and drunken nights out on the town have in common?

A bunch of people collectively inserting themselves into questionable situations because it feels right at the time and rarely pulling out even when they know they've made a mistake.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

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The only bad part about having a huge cock

Is never being able to get in the hen house to collect the eggs.

So there was this king in Hawaii living in a straw thatch style palace whose hobby was collecting thrones...

Anytime some local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The guy was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.

Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, ne...

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner collection today.

It was just collecting dust.

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A newspaper boy knocks on a woman's door to collect his money

The woman answers the door wearing a very sheer negligee. He asks for his two dollars and she says she has no cash on her, but maybe they can work something out.

The newspaper boy sighs and unzips his pants to reveal an 9 inch cock. They get down to business but the newspaper boy is only pu...

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 year...

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

Lately I have been really busy and it's interfering with my hobby of collecting all of the different types of spices...

...I just don't have the thyme.

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning

Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove confirmation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs

It's the best place to pick up chicks.

Puzzled doctor: "Why are you shaking and gyrating in the clinic after collecting your bottle of medicine?" Patient points to bottle:

"Says here 'Shake well before use'."
"That refers to the bottle."

A pound of brains

Did you know there is a place in Africa where they literally sell human brains for consumption? It's like a delicacy or something over there. Crazy right? They have brains from all over the world you can buy for all kinds of different prices. You just pay by the pound. Well do you know where the mos...

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke,
“Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all...

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

Y...

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advi...

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

So, my uncle died and left me his dvd collection

He had a series of Different Strokes

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam...

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Standing column.

Suddenly someone knocks on the side window. He lets down the window and asks: "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Trump. They are demanding a ransom of $ 100 million or they will pour...

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

An asteroid might hit the Earth next month, and I figured out why everyone is collecting toilet papers

Because paper beats rock.

My rock collection isn't worth much...

But it has sedimental value

I forgot to do the dishes again, and as punishment my wife read me the collected works of Kafka

I never did hear the end of it

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

A man is wandering the dessert, having lost his way, when he comes across a friendly looking salesman with a suitcase.

'Good day to you, good sir', the salesman greets him.
'Water, please!' is all the man manages to say through his sore throat.

'Oh, I'm afraid I don't have any water on me. But I can offer you one of these stylish ties.' With that he opens his suitcase and presents a collection of colored t...

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Three men wash up on an island, they find the natives, and the Chief says “Each of you go into the forest and collect 10 fruits of one kind.”

That all go rushing in to the jungle to get the fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The Chief tells him to shove all 10 apples up his ass without showing any emotion at all, if he did so he would live if not he would be killed. The man got to the third when he screeched in pain, and all ...

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

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There is a sunday ritual at St.Peter's Basillica, Rome

Even pope attends to it. It is a whole babel.

Two men draws attention next to church's gate. Both have huge plates on them hang om their neck. It is written

"I am a religious Christian. Please help me" and
"I am Jewish"

on the plates.

People who are leaving the church ...

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I found my dad’s old hidden porn collection when we were cleaning out his attic.

Really vintage stuff. I’m glad I found it though, I had forgotten how blonde my hair used to be.

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Why was the mushroom collecting animal poop?

It was looking for a toad stool.

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The tale of the little red man.

One upon a time there was a little red man who lived in a little red house , on a little red street , in a little red city.

One little red morning the little red man awoke from his little red slumber , left his little red bed and went to take a little red shower - meanwhile outside the little...

Once upon a time, a man appear...

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

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I wrote this joke about collectors. tell me what you think.

Q. What do you call someone who collects stamps?

A. A philatelist.

Q. What do you call someone who collects coins?

A. A numismatist.

Q. What do you call someone who collects both?

A. A fucking nerd.

What did the momma bee say to the baby bee when he didn't collect enough pollen?

Bee better.

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field. Every time a bird was swooping in to get some crops - the bird would catch eye of the clock instead. As the bird landed on the clock, it would die! It was a mystery - but the farmer didn't care as it worked better than a scarecrow. Pretty soon wo...

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The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in a desert when their car breaks down.

Thinking quickly, the brunette decides they should all start trying to scavenge and collect supplies for the long walk to the nearest gas station.

The other two girls agree, so they begin their hunt.

The brunette grabs her knife from the car and cuts a few cacti open, hoping to col...

A man wins big...

*pardon if this is a repost*

A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.

When he arrives, he asks his wife "Wha...

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A farmer goes to collect his chickens’ eggs. As he reaches for them, the chickens suddenly all whip out tiny guns.

“Whoa, whoa. How did you hide all those guns in this henhouse?”
The head chicken responds, “We’ve had enough of your shit, farmer. This is a coup.”

Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data...

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for YEARS now.

A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment"

An old "Dad Joke" from my collection that my son just retold tonight and nailed it. I've officially passed the torch.

A doctor is driving home along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible.

He immediately pulled the car to the side and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the ca...

Adam and Brandon are neighbors

Adam and Brandon are neighbors.

One day they were talking and Adam noticed that Brandon has a huge collection of books. Adam asked Brandon if he may borrow a few books.

Brandon replied, "I don't lend books. If you want to read books, you may come to my house and read it here."

<...

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Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?

To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish all the best to the troubled guy jerking off to his collection of electric fragrant wax warmers.

I truly hope he cums to his Scentsies.

Betty was away from home on a business trip, and on a break between meetings decided to call home collect...

...as her husband was outside changing the oil on his car, her 6 year old son Bobby picked up the phone.

Putting his ear to the receiver, he heard a man say: *"We have a Betty on the line, will you except the charges?"*

Terrified, Bobby ran outside screaming:

"DAD!!! THEY'VE GO...

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here i...

Ole & Sven go to the unemployment office

Ole and Sven were just laid off from the lingerie factory so they went to the unemployment office to collect their checks.

Ole goes up and rings the bell. The lady asks, "What can I do for you?"
Ole replied, "I vas just laid off from vork and I vant to collect my unemployment"
Lady - "W...

My friend lost two fingers

He said one was an old lady pinky and the other was a fat man's thumb.

He really has some weird collections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend wanted to take me to his basement to show off his collection of obscure films

Weird flicks but okay.

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My friend thinks I'm weird because I collect soil from where we sat and got high.

He seems pretty pissed, but I've taken the high ground.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

I used to collect clocks when I was younger

I had too much time on my hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tim's wife Shannon likes to yell at him.

"Why did you do that, for Pete's sake?" She'd shout whenever he did something she didn't like, which over several years of marriage, was quite a lot.

Until one night, Tim had enough. He left the house in a rage and didn't come back. In the morning, Shannon woke up to find a policeman at the ...

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

What do you call collecting funds to get your buddy out of jail?



Bro Fund Me.

What do you call a spaceship, designed to collect space junk?

A vacuum cleaner...

I was trying to collect every repost of this sub by taking a picture of each one

But my computer doesn’t have enough storage

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A young mailman gets gets farewell...

A young mailman is transferred to another town and as he did a very good job at his work, the people of the town decided to greet him with something on the last day.

The mailman goes from one house to other collecting gifts and treats.

One lady gives him some cash to show her gratitude...

Whenever Autumn comes around, I like to walk around and collect the colourful leaves.

It sounds better than saying I'm a street sweeper.

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