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Pushed Jokes

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!

It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angry passenger pushed his way to the desk

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The ...

I pushed a fan over

It blew up

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

I pushed a Chinese man down the stairs...

It was Wong on many levels

Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math

But science and math pushed back

A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff.

He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"

If the earth really is flat

Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

I once pushed a guy off his bike

I've since been banned from that gym

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I once pushed a stripper down a hill.

And that's how the cinnamon roll was born.

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.


So I pushed her over.

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

What did the optimist say when he was pushed off a storey building?

so far so goo...

My wife just pushed out our first baby.



Took us ages to build that raft.

A criminal was pushed on to the ground

he *felon* his ass

What is it called when Jamie pushed Bran down the tower?

King’s Landing

Tech support! Tech support! I pushed my computer, and now it's broken!

That's not how you back it up!

A friend pushed me on to some train tracks and said it was a joke.

I didn't get it, but then it hit me.

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A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and ...

My mother pushed me to become a chemist, she said i would be rich

now im full of calcium, sulphur and hydrogen, but got no money

I was driving my wife to work this morning when she suddenly pushed my hand from the gear lever

"What are you doing?" I asked
"Well," she said, "I've kept quiet for too long and I'm sick of you not concentrating on your driving - you do the steering and I'll stir the petrol."

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I pushed the happy button...

...I just made it depressed.

I asked my wheelchair bound friend if he ever got tired of getting pushed around all the time

He said “Not really, I usually just roll with it.”

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Dad approaches Timmy, "Son, did you push the outhouse over?".

Timmy: "No dad! It wasn't me!".

Dad: "Let me tell you a story. Years ago George Washington's dad asked him if he cut down the cherry tree. George Washington said, 'I cannot tell a lie', and admitted to cutting down the tree. His father was proud of him and didn't punish him."

Timmy: "O...

What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth?

A toothbrush

A student gets pushed off a cliff as a punishment

He had a bad altitude.

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As a lubricated finger was pushed into my anus, I couldn't help but think...

That this wasn't any ordinary vet.

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential,

Then he pushed me off the roof.

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They pushed two twins together to make a king.

My grandfather's dying wish was to be pushed in front of a steam train.

When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.

I pushed a hipster down the stairs today...

He's still Tumbling!

Ninety-Nine had been trying to defeat Hundred, but failed each time. Finally, he pushed the limit for one last time. And on his cake day...

Ninety-Nine defeated Hundred-And-One.

My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...

Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.

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