UPJOKE
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King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

My dads best piece of advice growing up was "you only get one chance to make a good first impression"

I've always gone with Schwarzenegger, it's recognisable and its always a crowd pleaser

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

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Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

I gave my children a warning about using their whistle in the house, they had one last chance…

Unfortunately… they blew it

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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A college professor gets offered a chance to teach sex education which is not what he usually teaches.

He’s a little embarrassed to tell his wife what he’s teaching so he tells her he’s teaching a class on sailing. A few months go by and his wife runs into a friend’s daughter who says, “I’m really enjoying your husbands class!”

The professor’s wife says, “Oh?…I’m surprised, he’s only done it o...

Jesus, the Christ, decides to to give humanity a second chance...

Arriving on Earth, he does a tour.

He travels the Middle East and everything goes well. He then goes through Australia and he's welcomed with open arms. Afterwards, he goes to Europe, and all the Europeans love him. Then he goes to America...

whilst in one of the Southern States, one...

A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.

The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.

The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.

The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.

The man sa...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

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What are the chances that the sister of His Royal Highness Prince Archie of Sussex becomes Queen?

A Lilibet

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Sex is hereditary.

If your parents didn't have it, chances are you won't either.

God always gives you more than 1 chance...

because he enjoys seeing you fail

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

A British tourist visits a brothel in America [NSFW]

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a lit...

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

In another 3028 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

When I die I want to be cremated.

It will be my last chance to have a smoking hot body.

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I named my penis Chance.

Because I believe every woman deserves at least half a Chance.

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

The last wish

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.

He told them that he wanted ...

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

A man and a dog walk into a bar

Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"

"But my dog can talk"

Bartender: "Prove it"

"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"

Dog: "Roof, roof"

Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"

"Fido, what is the hi...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push,”...

The battle between God and Satan.

An engineer dies and is accidentally sent to hell

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty p...

Did you get a chance to listen to Will Smith's latest album?

Absolutely slaps

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

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Shame on you Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli cass...

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Smoking dope.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of dru...

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

Why did the statistician always take a bomb with him when he traveled by plane?

He knew the chances of a bomb being on a flight he was one in a million, so he figured that the chances of two bombs being on board was one in a million million.

Picked up a hitch-hiker the other day……

the guy said to me ” I’m glad you stopped, but you do know i could be a serial killer”

I said, “what’s the chances of two serial killers in one car”

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



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Seasoned hunter

A group of young men who are on a hunting trip stop at the lodge. They hang out at the bar, drinking beer and talking.

Suddenly an older hunter walks in and the patrons fall silent. Everyone stares at the man as he walks up to the bar, sits down and orders whiskey. The silence in the room is ...

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Woody Allen's Moose hunting joke

I shot a moose once. I was hunting upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strapped him onto the fender of my car. And I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp knocking him unconscious. And ...

I thought tonight was my chance to get it on with a couple of blonde twins

Turned out I was just with my girlfriend and I had one drink too many!

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

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A guy from the city decides to move to the country and take up farming

He goes to his first livestock auction and wins a bid on a male and female chicken. The seller says "You just moved from the city, right? If you want to fit in around here, you can't call these 'chickens'. This one is a cock, and this one is a pullet. By the way, if you want, I can sell you an ass -...

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

I heard we’re telling bad jokes, so here’s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...

He has a nun fantasy

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:

\- “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers,

\- ”My son, you...

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A woman sees a funeral procession

The hearse is driving slowly, followed by a dog, and then behind the dog is a woman dressed in black, and then line of several dozen women.

The woman watches silently as the procession goes on and on. Finally she asks the last woman in line, "Who is it that passed?"

"Well," the woman ...

What do you call it when a singer gets a chance?

An opera-tunity!

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

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Timmy the trolley conductor

I’m not going to write out the full joke because it is take anywhere between 10-30 minutes to tell but I will tell you how to tell it. As a preference the joke is not good but the funny part is how long it takes to tell a joke with a bad punch line. Also tell the audience to see if they can figure ...

One thing I have learnt this year is to never trust acupuncturists

They'll stab you in the back the first chance they get

God gave us a chance...

He gave all of mankind a chance.

"Humans, I offer you the gift of words. The ultimate tool. These words are reusable, renewable, and refutable. Go do what you please with this divine gift!"

God watched from his pedestal as primitive man and woman jumped about in excitement alike.
<...

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The man's curse

A man was cursed by a wicked witch. He could speak only one word per year, so if he said a word, he had to wait for another year to say another one.

One day, he saw a woman. Beautiful, splendid, sexy, breathtaking!! So he then decided to take the chance of marrying her, so he had to plan what...

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Trump still has a chance at 270

All he has to do is lose 50lbs.

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

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A taxi driver goes home after a very long shift.

On his way home he sees a very drunk man that can’t even stay on his feet. “Can’t let that poor guy go home alona like this” he puts him in the passenger sit, asks him where he lives and starts driving to his house while the drunk guy sleeps. On their way there the taxi driver sees a women who’s hot...

A student at the local (insert rival university here) was ready to graduate after 10 years.

Because he'd been there so long, word got out that his final exam was to be held, and people were so excited that they filled up the football stadium!

The professor wanted to makes sure he passed, so gave this question:

P: What is 2 + 2?

Student: uhhhhh - fouuurrr???

T...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

Hot Shot CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! Th...

Golf Trick Shot

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at st. Andrews, and finally got the chance.

Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life.

After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par, and was on cloud nine.

On the back nine, he start...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and has a seat. Before he has a chance to order, a mysterious man in black walks in and whispers into the guy's ear exactly what drink he should order. And then the man mysteriously leaves without another word. "Who the heck was that?" the bartender asks. "No idea. Every time ...

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3 British soldiers were on a safari trip and got captured by a tribe deep in the jungle.

Once they were brought before the tribe leader, he told them:

“I will give you a chance to leave this jungle alive. You each must find 5 of the same fruit in this place and bring it before me to earn your freedom.”

The soldiers thought this was an amazing deal and all went on their way...

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

The Irish Smuggler

There was a man who would cycle across the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland every single day without fail carrying nothing but the clothes on his back.
The border guards stopped him every day, patted him down, searched his bike, deep thorough searches and never found ...

Funny and Witty WiFi names?

I think the best I've come across are;

1. Drop it like it's hotspot

2. The Promised LAN

3. Wu Tang LAN

4. Chance the Router

5. Winternet is coming

6. A LAN time ago

7. I believe Wi can Fi

8. Vladamir Routin

9. That's what she SSID
...

Consulting the Shaman

A couple had been wanting to have a child for so long and was so desperate that they consulted a Shaman hoping that he could solve their problem.

The Shaman said that they would have their first child next year, with a condition that it is accompanied by a curse... that the very first name or...

Lesson in History The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the king asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king r...

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A chance to escape Hell

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have se...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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Once upon a time..

..there was a king who had an attractive queen as his wife. Naturally all the ministers in his court took a liking to her beauty and secretly wanted to have their way with her.

A neighboring kingdom waged war against the king so he had to go over there to make peace talks.

The minister...

When Karl Marx was a young philosophy student, he took it upon himself to travel across the country to see the wide world and learn all that he could to develop his theories.

Hither and thither he would ride across the German countryside, in his little pony-cart pulled by a pair of strong, hardy donkeys, meeting people, studying their lives and professions, and seeking to understand the world.

A time came when he was high in the German mountains. Snow was thick ...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "About time you got here," the bartender comments. "You missed all the excitement." "What happened?" the guy asks. "We had a NFL referee in here. He had too much to drink and was running around blowing his whistle at everyone. I finally had to warn him abou...

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)

A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister a...

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Three Safari Men

There were three men (a pastor, a father, and a good 'ol boy redneck) that happened to be taking a safari of the Amazon rainforest when they are separated from the rest of the group. After a few days and trying to find their way back to civilization, they were captured by a local tribe, bound and b...

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A 'down and out' sees a sign in the window of a well known Jazz Bar saying 'pianist wanted'

So he decides to go inside and enquire. The owner takes one look and is immediately put off by the man's dishevelled appearance as his bar is pretty high brow. The man says 'please, give me a chance, before my life took a turn for the worst I was a pretty successful Jazz pianist'.

'Okay' says...

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

If I ever had the chance to meet Indian mathematician Brahmagupta

I'd tell him, thanks for nothing.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a stru...

I want to give communism a chance

but there's too many red flags

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

Exam By Chance

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

A man and his wife die in a car accident

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man.

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man is st...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

Why did EA games management cross the road

If you wanna find out, please buy the Punchline dlc for 49.99$ or have a chance to get it from a loot box for 2.99$ each

The Blonde Convention

Once, there was a huge meeting of all of the blondes in the world. They had heard all of the jokes and wanted to prove once and for all that they were not as stupid as the jokes made them seem. They all chose one of them, who they all thought was the smartest to answer one question. She went up to t...

Street Car Gallantry

Here's a street car conversation that may or may not have a moral. It at least furnishes food for reflection. A friend of ours overheard it on a Euclid car.

"Isn't it awful", said one fair strap hanger, "to have to stand up all the way home after shopping till your feet are sore?"

"Y...

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that all blonds are dumb...

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that blonds are dumb. So, he calls a meeting with all the blonds in the town to disprove this stereotype once and for all.

The researcher gathers alls the blonds in an auditorium and announces his plan to the crowd.

"To disprove the st...

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

When I was growing up I loved watching my dad at work whenever I got the chance to go with him.

He used to work in New York City and him and the people he worked for was this big electrical company. There were all electricians. Some of the funniest people I've ever met on the planet.

The one thing about all their jokes though is that they're a little too vulgar for not exactly the most...

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

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A Black Man, a Mexican, and a White Man Got Lost Canoeing.

They reached an island ruled by terrorists. The terrorists wanted to kill the entire crew. However, after seeing the white man, the terrorists had a proposal. If the combined length of the mens' penises measured 1 foot, then the men would be set free. The Black man's dick measured 6 inches. The Whit...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

Golfing

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in...

Prince Charles decides to visit Perth

The future King has not been getting a great reception in the United Kingdom so decides to go somewhere more remote. Not long after his arrival in Perth, he is walking down the Hay Street Mall with an interesting choice of head wear. A Davy Crocket style hat, real fox fur with the tail at the back, ...

I heard that beans were John Lennon's favourite vegetable....

.....up until he decided to give peas a chance.

You know, absinthe plays a huge part in the origin of what we now call bachelor parties.

It was a tradition for a man's friends to take him to an upscale bar just before his wedding and order him a glass or two of the ol' green fairy. If he truly loved his fiancee and was ready for the match, it was a fun night away from her with friends, celebrating his love. If he was having doubts, i...

I picked up a hitch hiker

The man got in my car and said "Thank you for picking me up, but I mean how do you know I am not a serial killer or something?"

I said "I don't know for sure, but the chances of 2 serial killers being in one car would be astronomical"

Saw this on Quora months ago.

Fast

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.The bartender looks at the guy and asks: What's wrong with your turtle? Not a thing, the man responds, this beat up turt...

"Our chance of survival..." "Never tell me the odds!"

"...is \_2.\_6\_%"

A lumberjack chooses a tree to chop down. Before he has a chance to swing his axe, the tree exclaims, "WAIT! Don't do this! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack responds, "Good. Then you will dialogue."

A man and his wife are bored watching TV when the wife gets an idea.

"I have a crazy idea." She says.

The husband bored out of his mind looks over to her and raises an eyebrow. "What that?"

The wife glances at the tv and bites her lip before turning back to him. "Well what if we both came up with a list of 3 people outside that, if we ever got the chan...

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A man went to the store to buy some raisins...

When he got there, he asked a cashier, "What aisle are the..."

"...raisins in?" she asked.

"How... how did you know?"

"I am a psychic. I can read minds."

"Really? Well then, what am I..."

"Thinking now? You're thinking about what I might look like naked."

"Y...

Not taking that chance

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.



With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrang...

DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!

Little David is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really ne...

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Sporting Chance

Mr Corporate Businessman thinks his wife may be having an affair, so one day he decides to go home early to confirm his suspicions.

Sure enough, he finds his wife in bed with a fit, young tradesman.

Shocked but without hesitation, he calmly heads to his wardrobe to reveal a fully loade...

A man asked his daughter to give him the newspaper

A man asked his daughter to give him the newspaper. "Newspapers are old" she said, and gave him the ipad instead.
The fly did not stand a chance

My local doctor's office had a power outage just as I was supposed to have my vaccine. I asked if I could have it anyway, on the off chance they might still let me.

Well, it was a shot in the dark.

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A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

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Personalities

1) Polite - farts and says "Pardon!"

2) Cynic - Farts while looking you directly in the eyes

3) Chivalrous - lets the lady fart first

4) Gourmand - Farts for his own pleasure

5) Sentimental - Farts and says "Oh..."

6) Idealist - farts out of conviction

7) C...

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Yknow if a guy remembers your eye color after the first date, chances are you’ve got

small tits

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, ...

The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A door to door vacuum salesman visits a house. When he proposes a deal the woman tells him to take a hike. Without giving her a second chance the man empties a bucket of cow dung onto to carpet and says "If the vacuum cleaner doesn't suck all of this up then I will eat the rest myself" The woman goe...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomically low

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

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