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Chance Jokes

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...

For a guy to catch a cold....

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

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Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

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Marriage has a 50% chance of divorce

But a 100% chance you'll get fucked by your spouse.

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

I was given a single chance to fix an abacus

I better make it count

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" screams the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

Apparently, Stradivarius's are so rare people will literally kill for a chance to get one

Violins begets violence

My dads best piece of advice growing up was "you only get one chance to make a good first impression"

I've always gone with Schwarzenegger, it's recognisable and its always a crowd pleaser

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

I gave my children a warning about using their whistle in the house, they had one last chance…

Unfortunately… they blew it

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A college professor gets offered a chance to teach sex education which is not what he usually teaches.

He’s a little embarrassed to tell his wife what he’s teaching so he tells her he’s teaching a class on sailing. A few months go by and his wife runs into a friend’s daughter who says, “I’m really enjoying your husbands class!”

The professor’s wife says, “Oh?…I’m surprised, he’s only done it o...

Jesus, the Christ, decides to to give humanity a second chance...

Arriving on Earth, he does a tour.

He travels the Middle East and everything goes well. He then goes through Australia and he's welcomed with open arms. Afterwards, he goes to Europe, and all the Europeans love him. Then he goes to America...

whilst in one of the Southern States, one...

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I named my penis Chance.

Because I believe every woman deserves at least half a Chance.

God always gives you more than 1 chance...

because he enjoys seeing you fail

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What are the chances that the sister of His Royal Highness Prince Archie of Sussex becomes Queen?

A Lilibet

Did you get a chance to listen to Will Smith's latest album?

Absolutely slaps

I thought tonight was my chance to get it on with a couple of blonde twins

Turned out I was just with my girlfriend and I had one drink too many!

There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

What do you call it when a singer gets a chance?

An opera-tunity!

God gave us a chance...

He gave all of mankind a chance.

"Humans, I offer you the gift of words. The ultimate tool. These words are reusable, renewable, and refutable. Go do what you please with this divine gift!"

God watched from his pedestal as primitive man and woman jumped about in excitement alike.
<...

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

Lesson in History The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the king asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king r...

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A chance to escape Hell

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have se...

If I ever had the chance to meet Indian mathematician Brahmagupta

I'd tell him, thanks for nothing.

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

When I was growing up I loved watching my dad at work whenever I got the chance to go with him.

He used to work in New York City and him and the people he worked for was this big electrical company. There were all electricians. Some of the funniest people I've ever met on the planet.

The one thing about all their jokes though is that they're a little too vulgar for not exactly the most...

Trump still has a chance at 270

All he has to do is lose 50lbs.

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

I want to give communism a chance

but there's too many red flags

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They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

Exam By Chance

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false...

"Our chance of survival..." "Never tell me the odds!"

"...is \_2.\_6\_%"

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Sporting Chance

Mr Corporate Businessman thinks his wife may be having an affair, so one day he decides to go home early to confirm his suspicions.

Sure enough, he finds his wife in bed with a fit, young tradesman.

Shocked but without hesitation, he calmly heads to his wardrobe to reveal a fully loade...

A lumberjack chooses a tree to chop down. Before he has a chance to swing his axe, the tree exclaims, "WAIT! Don't do this! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack responds, "Good. Then you will dialogue."

My local doctor's office had a power outage just as I was supposed to have my vaccine. I asked if I could have it anyway, on the off chance they might still let me.

Well, it was a shot in the dark.

Coronavirus has a ~0.2% mortality rate among young people, so in a class of 50, if everyone got it, there would be a ~10% chance of anyone dying

I nominate Jared

Not taking that chance

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.



With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrang...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Mr Brown was an avid golfer, who was terrible, yet every chance he'd get, he's hitting the links.

One day, as he was heading out, his wife asked him to take their son with him, since she was going to be too busy.

Reluctantly, he agreed, and loaded up the car to go to the course.

Knowing that his son wasn't athletically gifted, he decided he was going to use him to keep score for hi...

The chances of a bomb being on your plane is one in 300 million, but the chances of two bombs being on your plane is one in 60 billion...

which is why, when I fly, I always carry a bomb.

Vaccinated children have a higher chance of getting autism.

After all, you have to be alive to get autism.

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Yknow if a guy remembers your eye color after the first date, chances are you’ve got

small tits

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

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An old rish woman visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra," asked the doctor. "Not a chance," she said, "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra." "What is Irish Viagra?" she asked. "It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and let's talk in a week." A week later the doctor called the woman to check on the results. The poor dear ...

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When life gives you a last chance...

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in kno...

A superintendent got the chance to have a better job, but didn't take it

He didn't want to betray his principles

Chance The Rapper endorses the President and Rudy Giuliani, announces his full support of their voter fraud campaign.

Correction: Chance the Total Landscaper

What was the dying tree's reaction to a 2nd chance to grow?

Re-leaf.

What did the sperm think about his chances of becoming a baby?

He thought it was inconceivable.

I'm currently doing whatever I can to give myself and my girlfriend the best chance of having our own house.

But so far her grandma hasn't eaten any of my "wonderful" muffins.

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

Took a chance and it almost worked

Our science teacher loves creating multiple choice tests and odds are pretty good with the "just answer C" method.

We were discussing that amongst my friends when the popular girls a table over asked if it was true. We confirmed and showed our last graded tests where we "guessed" a few answe...

I had a chance to buy an ant that had been on a recent trip to the ISS...

But it was too exorbitant for an ex-orbit ant.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

The one thing I hate about superhero movies is how unrealistic they are,

Like what are the chances that a billionaire would do anything to help ordinary people?

A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…

…after many weeks without the touch of a woman - the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous, and...

All the blondes of the world are finally fed up...

Sick of all the dumb blonde jokes - thousands of blondes have a huge convention in a football stadium to prove once and for all that they are just as smart as anyone else. So, they all fill the stadium and have a teacher on the field ask one blonde volunteer a math question.

The teacher asks...

Sven and Ole go to hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust h...

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

What did John Lennons parents say to him to get him to eat his veggies when he was a kid?

All we are saying is, give peas a chance

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A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present.

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchase...

There was this musician in North Korea…

One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked.
The big night arrived with the musician stood at the fron...

A British tourist visits a brothel in America [NSFW]

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a lit...

A cabbie picks up a nun...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old...

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A man goes to a brothel for his 18th birthday

His friends drive him up to a brothel and tell him that for his birthday he’s going to get his cherry popped by the best sex worker at the brothel. Before the birthday boy has his fun, one of his friends tells him to make sure to ask her to give him a “Penguin”. The birthday boy takes note of it. Th...

A Bridge Too Far

An Irishman was collecting empty bottles on the beach one day when he found one with a tiny man inside it. He let the man out and for this the tiny man told him that he could have one wish. “I’m dead scared of flying” the Irishman told him “And I get terribly seasick from just looking at a boat and ...

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A man found his dick all red and swollen after banging a hooker.

In a panick he rushed to his family doctor to get it checked. The doc told him there was no cure and the only way was to have it amputated.

Refusing to accept his fate, he stomped out of the clinic and went to the best urologist in his country. But even there he was told that there was no cur...

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

Joe and Bernie remained friends in their old age.

One day, they were on a park bench and Joe says, "Man, when I was married, I would bang my wife every chance I got." Bernie says, "Yeah, me, too." Joe: "You never had a wife!" Bernie: "Oh, I thought we were talking about yours."

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

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Sex is hereditary.

If your parents didn't have it, chances are you won't either.

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

The unlucky man

There was a very unlucky man , who whenever starts a job, they go bankrupt in a week, whenever he goes to a wedding, they get divorced in a month, whenever he buys a car, it get wrecked in days, ...etc

one day he decided to run away, thinking that even if he brings his bad luck abroad, ...

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

A man is sitting alone at the World Cup Final when another guy approaches him.

He asks 'Is this seat taken?'

The man replies 'No it's free'

The other man says 'Who would miss their chance to see the World Cup Final??'

The man replies 'It's actually my wife's, she passed away and this is my first World Cup without her.'

'Oh man, you didn't find any f...

A man and a dog walk into a bar

Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"

"But my dog can talk"

Bartender: "Prove it"

"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"

Dog: "Roof, roof"

Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"

"Fido, what is the hi...

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

When I die I want to be cremated.

It will be my last chance to have a smoking hot body.

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

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the dentist and his brother

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of

actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells h...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

The last wish

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.

He told them that he wanted ...

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

The battle between God and Satan.

An engineer dies and is accidentally sent to hell

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty p...

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

Picked up a hitch-hiker the other day……

the guy said to me ” I’m glad you stopped, but you do know i could be a serial killer”

I said, “what’s the chances of two serial killers in one car”

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

Dave’s military experience

Dave just got a promotion in the army, but unfortunately this new position put him at the forefront of bearing the bad news. After 30 days in service, he is informed by HR that John’s wife died, and he should inform him kindly of the event.
Next day at morning call, Dave goes :
-John, your wi...

Two friends, George and Ted, were sitting in a bar and talking.

"I just don't know what to do about my son," George said sadly. "He graduated from high school last year, and he still hasn't enrolled in any colleges or gotten a job."

"Maybe I could help your son get a job at the local hospital," said Ted. "I work there, you know. If your son starts working...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

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Shame on you Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli cass...

Funny and Witty WiFi names?

I think the best I've come across are;

1. Drop it like it's hotspot

2. The Promised LAN

3. Wu Tang LAN

4. Chance the Router

5. Winternet is coming

6. A LAN time ago

7. I believe Wi can Fi

8. Vladamir Routin

9. That's what she SSID
...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

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