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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

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Three men are offered a chance to get out of Hell

One day in Hell, three men are offered to get into heaven, if they can ask God a question and make him answer incorrectly.

The first man, the smartest mathematician alive, asks God the hardest math question he has ever thought of. God being God, he answered correct.

The second man, the...

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

What do you call the place where you have a chance to get a stroke?

The clottery

There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

I had a chance to check my buddy's homework in the elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

What activity can reduce a person's chance of dying of cancer by 16.6%?

Russian Roulette.

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player.

Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.

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Athiests: There is absolutely no chance god exists, No way.

Jews: Yahweh

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Not a chance

Today I asked my daughter to hand me the newspaper. She started about how old-fashioned I am and that everyone uses a tablet now. Well, I listened to her.

And I have to admit...that annoying fly did not have a chance.

It has been proven that anti vaxers have a lower chance of autism

Unfortunately the main side effect is death

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If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight?

Developing cancer.

If anyone in the North East U.S. gets a chance to look at the moon tonight

It's completely out of this world.

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My circumcision gave me a chance at a normal life.

I was born with a disorder where my eyelids didn’t develop properly in the womb. When they performed my circumcision, they used the foreskin that they removed to give me proper eyelids. My surgery went well but I’m still a little cock-eyed.

What starts with "A" and has a higher chance of being inflicted upon you if you get vaccinated?

Adulthood.

What do you call it when you buy a ticket for a chance to win a spotted, long-necked mammal?

A giraffle.

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Circumsized men have a higher chance of developing clairvoyance.

When you lose one sense, the other senses make up for it.

Foreskin lost, foresight gained.

How do you raise the chances of your joke's popularity?

You lie.



(My 5yo kid made this joke please be nice!)

A woman calls her gynecologist: "Doctor, did I by any chance, leave my panties at your clinic?"

Doctor looks around, doesn't see them and answers "Sorry, no."
"Ok, then it must be at the dentist's!"

When I asked my mom if by any chance I was adopted...

She replied, "That's hilarious! Why on earth would we have chosen you!?"

What are the chances that a gorilla would jump on a lion?

Anyways I lost my job at the zoo today.

Pregnancy Chances

Did you know that your chances of getting pregnant are hereditary. Chances are that if your parents didn't get pregnant, you won't either.

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What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies?

The PUSSYbility

Hitchhiker

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.

My chances with my crush are like jesus's second coming...

My mom believes in them but it ain't gonna happen.

Why did the scientists clone Chance the Rapper?

Because people deserve a second Chance.

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

An Anti-vaxxer walks into a bar...

He stays sober and wants to go back home, but there's a bridge that comes in the way.

I tell him, "There is a 1 percent chance of the bridge breaking."

The anti-vaxxer jumped into the water and started swimming.

So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?

Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

Blonde: 50% chance to meet a dinosaur

Question to a blonde:

\--What are the chances that you will meet a dinosaur in the street?

\--50%.

\--?

\--Well, either I meet him, or I do not meet him.

What are the chances of my Ryanair flight being cancelled this Christmas?

Sky high.



\- I hate myself too

Why did the Skeleton turned down the chance to be a surgeon??

Because it didn't have the stomach for it.

What are the chances you win the lottery?

1/2 because your either win or you don't.

I read somewhere that 1 out of 3 people cheat

I did the math, and there is a 5/9 chance that my wife and/or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

I was offered the chance to buy some real estate in Egypt's Valley of the Kings

but it turned out to be just a pyramid selling scheme

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

Thinking back I really think I had a chance with that deaf girl at the bar

She gave me all the signs

I lost my watch, but I didn’t get chance to look for it…

I just couldn’t find the time.

If there is a 50/50 chance something will work out in your favor.

There is a 90% chance it won’t.

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

"What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping.

"Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day

He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation

What’s the chances of winning the Mexican lottery?

Juan in a million.

I have a 50% chance to get laid tonight.

I mean, if 1 out of 2 persons wants it, that's 50%, right?

Helen Keller would have a better chance of finding Waldo

Than finding an original joke on this sub.

Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?

She blew both of them

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Did you hear about the time Jeff Wayne caught his wife masturbating with a chocolate bar?

“The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one”, he said.

After extensive research, I've concluded that unvaccinated children will have a higher chance of not being on the Autistic Spectrum

Instead, they have a considerable higher chance of being dead...

A guy walks into a quiet bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the ba...

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When life gives you a last chance...

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in kno...

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Jeff Goldblum is a given a chance to go back to Jurassic Park

Against all advice he decides to go and is airdropped from a plane on the island. On his way down he gets awe struck by the beauty of it all and forgets to chute till it's too late.

Luckily he ends up landing on something soft and squishy. After a brief moment of relief he realizes he's stuck...

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Given the chance, I would probably have sex with a clock.

But only if time permits...

I was castrated yesterday :( but it's ok, I hear there's a good chance they'll grow back when I'm in my forties.

Apparently 85% of marriages don't last until then.

What do you call a chance to try a fishy broth at a classy musical event?

An opera-tuna-tea.

My ears are still ringing from my wife’s groan.

I don't know if you knew this. But if you store your urine in the fridge for 21 days...

There's a 100% chance you're single.

My new girlfriend is coming over today. I had the chance to do it with my ex one last time, but I had to let her down.

Then I put her back in her box.

I saw that Get Out has a 40% Chance of Winning the Best Picture Oscar

White People Finally get to see what it's like to be 3/5ths

Chance

A tourist arrived in a small town in the South West and while he is taking in the sights he notices an old Native American Indian on the corner of the street who lifts his hand and says "Chance" each time a pretty woman passes by. After seeing this happen a few times, his curiosity got the better o...

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The Devil gives three men a chance to get into Heaven

Three men die and get sent straight to the Gates of Hell where they meet the Devil who tells them that if they can answer his question correctly, they can go to Heaven.

The Devil grabs a chair and stabs five holes into it, sits on the chair and farts.

Devil: If you can tell me which ho...

How many light bulbs does it take to chance a physicist?

Oh, sorry, wrong frame of reference

They said being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

I don't see them laughing now.

What's the difference between a boat and a woman?

There's a chance that a boat will go down on me.

Why should you never trust a homeless... why should you give them a second chance

Their roofless...
They can change

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

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