In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

Coronavirus has a ~0.2% mortality rate among young people, so in a class of 50, if everyone got it, there would be a ~10% chance of anyone dying

I nominate Jared

What do Alexander the Great, Winnie the Pooh and Chance the Rapper gave in common?

The same middle name

My friend Chance told me this one.

A young couple was dealing with unsuccessful pregnancies. Wanting to have a baby, they went to a sperm bank. The woman at the reception desk handed the man a bottle and said "Come back tomorrow with the bottle filled, and we'll see if you're infertile or not."

The next day, the couple came ba...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

Working at home, I've had a chance to clean out the cabinets...

The spices in my cabinet were so old I had to throw them out.

What a waste of thyme!

What are the chances people stop mistaking Link for Zelda?

Hylian likely

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

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When it comes to COVID-19,the 3% chance ill die doesnt scare me

the 97% chance of living is what makes me shit my pants.

A man wins a chance to appear on a game show

A man won a chance to appear on a mystery game show. The chances were jeopardy, family feud, lingo, and the price is right. His wife a beautiful Spanish lady, the love of his life, told him that if he lost the game show she would divorce him because she couldn't handle the shame. So, he auditioned f...

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They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

Could you imagine a game about jokes that have item drops and the rarest item in the game is known as “the punchline” which has a drop chance of 1/100000?

Friend: “hey Jordan, what you up to?”

Me: “I’ve been playing this joke game for two years and I still haven’t gotten the punchline.”

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

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How heavy is a Jew

Chances are he Israelite

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Good long one this!

One day an old man got a call from the FBI. The caller told him “We have noticed large amounts of money going in and out of your account, please come see us on Monday” The old man sat there for a second and thought, I should get myself a lawyer. So on Monday he walks to the office and the assistant ...

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

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The condoms

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop ...

in the church there is a priest and a bellman

the bellman asks the priest if he could take some time off to go on holiday the priest says sure but you have to find someone to cover for you he says "sure i already had someone in mind, problem is he has no arms " the pries confused asks "how will he ring the bell?" the bellman replies with "don't...

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

I once passed the chance to be CEO of a ketchup company

In Heinz-sight that was a mistake

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

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Hitler's Game

During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she fa...

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

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One day in a classroom

One day in a classroom a teacher asked her students “Who can give me a sentence with the word ‘indefinitely’ in it?”

Little Timmy’s hand shot up but the teacher ignored him. She gave Beth permission to answer instead “A line with no ends can be extended indefinitely.” Responded Beth, “Very g...

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, 'Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Norma always replied, 'I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed s...

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are...

you have small boobs....

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

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Menachem Begin (the sixth Prime Minister of Israel) walks into a bar,

and to his amazement just down the end, talking to the bar-tender is no one but Adolf Hitler himself. Well Begin thought to himself, this is my chance to find out what makes this guy tick.

So he goes up to him and says, “Hitler, what the hell you doing here?”

Hitler looks over at Mena...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

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I finally got a chance to feel what it was like to have sex as a woman...

There was a large earthquake in our area and all I had to do was just lay there, scream and cover my head while the bed shook around

A group of blonde girls overhear a guy saying that all blondes are dumb

So one of the girls says: "no we're not, we'll prove it!"

The guy: "Ok what's 3 + 2?"

One of the blondes: "7"

After a short silence the rest of the blondes start asking for a second chance.

The guy: "ok you get a second chance, what's 2+4?"

One of the blondes: "6"<...

Peter got a job as a train conducter...

On the first day of his job, a random guy without a ticket got past him and on the train without being noticed. This was eventually caught on CCTV and Peter was warned by his boss.

Second day of his work, a group of refugees snuck on the train between carts without Peter noticing and one of t...

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THE GIFT

*trust me its too long to be worth reading.*

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by...

A sinful engineer dies and goes to hell

The first thing he notices is how hot it is, so he builds an air conditioner. He then proceeded to build more and more over time and thanks to this engineer, Hell is completely air conditioned and has a booming economy in a few years. One day, God decides to check on Hell and is baffled at how much ...

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

How to make a baby

There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be...

The fist President of Zimbabwe was President Banana

It was illegal to joke about this in Zimbabwe. The foreign press would slip in as many puns as they could. But if they got caught they were locked up with no chance to a peel.

Don't interrupt someone working intently on a word puzzle

Chances are, you'll hear some cross words

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

A couple decided to get married after only dating for a few weeks

As they came to the bedroom to consummate the marriage, the husband looked into his wife’s eyes:

&nbsp;

“Honey, I haven’t been completely honest. I am a golf addict. I think about golf all the time, I dream of golf and every chance I get I’m going to go and have a round.”

&a...

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Mr. Becker was a cantankerous old Farmer

But he owns some best Land in the valley for Deer hunting. People had asked permission to hunt on his land forever and always ended up hightailing out of there to escape the barrage of expletives hurled at them and a potential for a dusting of rock salt out of his shotgun.

My buddy Cory an...

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

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A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

A homeless man buys a lottery ticket

He made a few £ more today than normal, so decided to treat himself to a lottery ticket.

Low and behold, he actually wins the jackpot, £5,000,000! The man could hardly believe it!

He says to himself, I have been on the streets for years, I forgot what comfortable shoes feel like, I wan...

What activity can reduce a person's chance of dying of cancer by 16.6%?

Russian Roulette.

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It's 4:58PM and there's a good chance the receptionist at work wants to have sex with me

Either way I'm getting off in 2 minutes

There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

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Three teams of scientist are partaking in competition of measuring a complicated polyhedron

The Japanese team goes first - they measure and they measure, but their time runs out before they can give an answer.
Then the US team takes their chance - they finish right in time! They give their answer but it's not quite right.
Finally, the USSR team attempts - Russian scientists look at t...

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player.

Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.

"Just say NO to drugs!"

Chances are, if I'm talking to drugs, I've probably already said 'yes'.

Which bee gives you a second chance?

The plan bee.

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

My boss warned me that I shouldn’t blow the whistle in the office anymore. He gave me one last chance.

But unfortunately, I blew it

A man, mouse and a frog in a bar

One fine evening a man, wearing a large overcoat walks in to one of the city's most expensive bars. He heads straight to the bar counter, leans over and tells the bartender,

Man: "I don't have any money but is there a chance you can give me a free beer?"

Bartender: "Huh? No way, don't...

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King Arthur's shortest Knight.

Once there was a man who wanted be a Knight of the Round table. He had all the qualifications, but he was under 3 feet tall. He journeyed to Camelot to gain audience with King Arthur.

When he appeared before the court, all the other knights made fun and heckled him mercilessly. He though...

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

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I can never go back

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coff...

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Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate...

Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of sex and drugs. Yet, after their deaths they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head.

Then after a moment he speaks, "O.K girls. The Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another cha...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

A French man, a German man, and a Polish man go skydiving

First, the French man jumps out of airplane. At the right time, he says "viva la France" and pulls the ripcord. Then, the German man jumps out and pulls the ripcord at precisely 1000 feet. Then, the Polish man jumps out of the airplane and he passes the 1000 foot mark but does not pull the ripcord. ...

A pastor was in his church with his congregation during Coronavirus.

He was praying to God for help to shield them from getting the virus.

An individual in one of the rows stood up and said to the pastor “Matthew 18:20 says Where two or three are gathered in my name there I am with them, so we all don’t have to meet in a large group and will be protected from ...

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Two aliens land at a deserted gas station...

Two aliens land at a deserted gas station. They climb out of their space ship and all they can see is a gas pump.

The first alien looks right at the gas pump and says “Take me to your leader”.

Not surprisingly the gas pump says nothing.

The alien repeats “Take me to you lead...

A man joins a very exclusive Nudist Club

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man re...

There was a man in Sao Paulo who's intestines were shaped like a number 1 from a rare genetic mutation.

Doctors say the chances of this are 1 in a Brazilian!

I asked my nephew if he had seen my newspaper

He told me that newspapers were old school. Then he said people use tablets today and handed me his iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

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A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<...

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

What’s the similarity between a lawyer and sperm?

1 in 300 million have a chance to become a human being.

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

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Once saw a kid getting jumped by four other kids, so I decided to step in

poor bastard didn’t stand a chance against all five of us

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In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

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An oldie but a goodie

A guy is walking through the village in NY and passes a porn shop that his buddy owns. He decides to go in and say hi. He walks in and his buddy Jon is behind the counter.
When Jon sees his old friend he says, “any chance you could look after the shop for a bit, I haven’t had lunch yet”. “No pro...

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Three men are offered a chance to get out of Hell

One day in Hell, three men are offered to get into heaven, if they can ask God a question and make him answer incorrectly.

The first man, the smartest mathematician alive, asks God the hardest math question he has ever thought of. God being God, he answered correct.

The second man, the...

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

Two old men were picked up by the cops

Two old men were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and...

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

Is your name Cloudy ?

Cuz you have a chance of getting those meatballs

Vacation

A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her...

Searching for coffee? Just look down.

Chances are it'll be ground.

I got my job at the secret government facility today.

The workplace is separated to three parts, part "C, X and V".


We were told the V section stored the most dangerous weapons on the planet, so we are not allowed to go near it.


I work at Section X, which is the robot studying section, a whole day of programming is hard, so I chat...

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.

The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip.

The American gone first....

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.

They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and...

Put to good use..

I have a friend who's a pilot for EasyJet.
But, because of this lockdown, he's off work,
So l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end, and he jumped at the chance.
l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”


His new bride...

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The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

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First day on the job.

Fresh out of journalism school, the rookie journalist bounds up to the editor hungry for a story to go after.

The editor says I'll give you an easy one for your first day. Go out into the community and bring me back a feel good human interest story. We need a bit of cheering up!

The r...

An elderly married couple goes to the state fair...

They've been going to this fair since the fifties. Some time in the late sixties-early seventies the fair started offering helicopter rides.

Year after year, Ethel would ask Lester "Honey, can we go on a helicopter ride?"

Being brought up during the Great Depression his reply was alway...

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Sand paper sally

So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a br...

50000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes are not stupid" convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

Nobody wants to be alone. A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald.....

I don't like her chances.

A Man and his wife and mother in law are visiting Isreal but the mother in law dies.

the man whose helping them make the arrangements says.

You have two options

1. Send her back to the states and have her buried their.$5000
2. or you can bury her here $1000

The husband asks "Can we think about it."

The man says absolutely

one day later they c...

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A Bishop had finally had it with a priest in his archdiocese who kept fucking up Sacraments

Right before he was about to excommunicate him, the priest got on his knees and pleaded to give him another chance. The Bishop was a good guy so he allowed the priest one chance.

"If you can preform a matrimony without anything going wrong, I will not fire you"

The wedding starts and e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chiropractor was talking to his client, his client mentioned that he lived on an acreage and invited the chiropractor over to hunt on his land.

The chiropractor was not a frequent hunter, so he calls up his buddy to come with him. They get up to the clients land, and the chiropractor goes to the door to let the client know they will be accessing their land. The client says, ‘no problem. Could I get a favour from you first though?’ See that ...

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed.

The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But bef...

I know a lot of Eminem jokes,

but the chances that you'll get them is slim.

Trump goes to Israel

and while praying at the wailing wall, suffers a massive heart attack and dies. The Israeli diplomat says they can bury him in the Holy Land for 100 bucks or embalm him and ship him back for 50k. The American diplomat opts for the 50k option. The Israeli asks “why take the most expensive solution...

What starts with "A" and has a higher chance of being inflicted upon you if you get vaccinated?

Adulthood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Athiests: There is absolutely no chance god exists, No way.

Jews: Yahweh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scene in the bar

A man walks into the bar and bets the bartender 20$ that he could bite his eyes with his teeth. Seeing an easy opportunity to earn money, he accepted the deal. The man took out his glass eye and bit it.
The bartender reluctantly hands over the money. Though the man gives him another chance to wi...

Did you know that infertility is hereditary?

If your parents don’t have kids then chances are you won’t either

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My circumcision gave me a chance at a normal life.

I was born with a disorder where my eyelids didn’t develop properly in the womb. When they performed my circumcision, they used the foreskin that they removed to give me proper eyelids. My surgery went well but I’m still a little cock-eyed.

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