Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

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3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

How do you break up a fight between two blind people?

Yell "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast

Where do horses go when they break their leg?

The *horse*\-pital!

Just kidding, they get shot.

Escalators can never break...

They can only become stairs.

-MH

A man's car breaks down in the middle of a snow storm

While searching for help he finds a temple. The man knocks on the door and an old monk comes and greets him

Man: Hay can you please help, my car broke down in the middle of the snow storm

Monk: Yes of course please come in

The man enters the temple and is given food, water and a...

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

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I once had a girl break up with me because I wasn't into the whole pissing fetish. No half measures when it comes to that fetish.

Either urine or you're out.

What happens when a cube breaks the law?

It goes to prism.

Today I had two 3 hour exams with a three hour break in between.

My teacher told me not to sleep during the break. However he didn't say what I could do during the exams.

A penguins car breaks down.

He decides to take his car to the mechanic. While he was at the mechanic he got bored so went for a walk. While walking he walked past an ice cream shop and went in. He orders one vanilla ice cream. He goes back to the mechanic and they say “it looks like you’ve blown a seal” he says “no it’s just i...

I just started a 2 month break from technology.

I started an hour ago. It's working out nicely so far.

​

Edit 1, 5/15/19: Dude I've never stuck to a goal this much.

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My ex had a good reason to break up with me

Someone posted a video of a strip club with me in the back getting a lap dance

Yea my boyfriend didn't really like that I wasn't gay

What breaks when you say it’s name?

Silence

What says the nymphomaniac's right leg to her left leg, at the end of spring break ?

"Long time no see !"

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Why do you say "break a leg" to an actor ?

Cause without a good cast they are fucked

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

There was no chemistry

I was gonna break up with an ex-girlfriend because she had a Linkin Park poster on her wall

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

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A mexican with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?

His lawnmower.

A Jew with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?
His nose.

A thai woman runs into a wall, what does he break?
Her boner.

A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car. The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do...

A monkey breaks out of the zoo...

Animal control tracks him down and finds him on top of a tree.
The chief of animal control brings out 4 items a bat, a dog, handcuffs and a shotgun.
He says “now boys I’m gonna go up that tree and knock him out with the bat. The dog is trained to bite his balls, while he puts his hands over hi...

This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues?

Meno pause

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Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” says Tom.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the...

Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck

Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck.

Condom: hahahaha

Sticks and stones may break my bones but...

...I need a doctor

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

Who do you call if something breaks down at a convent?

Maintain-nuns.

A guy dressed as a chicken on fire tried to break into my house.

If phoenix anything I'll be mad.

Bear Grylls: "Can we pause this interview? I got to take a pee break." *director agrees

Bear Grylls: "Thank god. I was damn thirsty."... \*opens a bottle of his own urine

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

A school shooting breaks out, the shooter kills every kid he sees for being cruel to him, all except one specific 12 year old boy.

I guess progeria has it’s ups.

What law do most mathematicians break?

...They drink and derive.

*Baddum tss*

Thank you, thank you! I'll see myself out.

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Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”

​

The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

What happens if your car breaks down in the Mushroom Kingdom?

It gets Toad

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

What caused the ice cream truck to break down?

a rocky road

My boss is kinda weird, he has started announcing to everyone whenever I go on break.

Just the other day I stepped outside to catch some sun and sure enough that goober yells Jailbreak!!! On the plus side he let some dogs out for me to play with.

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

What's the worst way to break up with Elon Musk?

By saying *"I need some space"*

I used to date a cross eyed girl but we had to break up

She was seeing someone on the side

I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break…

This is probably because concrete floors are really hard...

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My weird boss has designated bathroom-break times for all his employees, and now it’s my turn.

I don’t need this shit.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

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Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

What is it called when you break a guitar amp in a car accident?

A Fender Bender

The Avengers and Deadpool....

For once, the Avengers and the Deadpool decide to team up and destroy a H.Y.D.R.A. base.

While trying to infiltrate the base they encounter a room, which leads them to a vault containing some files. Deadpool says he is the strongest, so he shall break all walls. Thor days his lightning can de...

A mans car breaks down near a monastery.

Greeted by monks, they offer him shelter for the night and to fix his car. While sleeping in the spare bedroom, he hears a knock on the wall

*Thud*

He asked them the next day while they treated him to breakfast in bed. What was the knock?

"We can't tell you, you're not a monk."<...

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A handsome priest and a young nun are traveling when their car breaks down...

And they are forced to spend the night in a motel - with only one room left.

The priest, being a gentleman, said, "Due to the circumstances, let's just share the room. I'll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed. I'm sure God will understand".

The nun agrees and they turn off the lig...

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and an Alabama Crimson Tide fan are in a car together, but the car breaks down.

Luckily, there's a farm right nearby. The farmer says, "I only got room for two of ya in the house, so one of you's gonna have to sleep in the barn."

The Hindu holy man decides to go, but comes back to the barn because there's a cow in there, and Cows are sacred in his faith.

The Rabb...

What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a fight?

Liam Malone

Tea Break

Paddy was driving his lorry (truck) when he saw a bridge with a sign saying “10 foot max. headroom.” He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , ‘A Shure an’ Begorrah, I’ll give it a go,’ he thought only to find that his lorry got wedged tight underneath it. …

Paddy ...

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“No, Donald, I didn’t break up with her because she was silly.

I said ‘I dumped Minnie because she was fucking Goofy.’”

Three men are driving in the desert when their car breaks down.

The men decide that they must split up and survive on their own for the best chances. They are then forced to abandon the car. To be fair, they decide that they can each take one part of the car to help them.

The first man decides that he wants to take the car battery, he is an engineer and ...

My girlfriend said she wants to break up with me because im too childish

i said please give me another chance
she said "no, we're through, done, finished, end of, period.
so i started laughing
she said "what are u laughing for?"
i said "hehe, you said period"

During winter break, I visited Paris...

My mother, a fan of operas, brought me to experience one. The performance was phenomenal. Audience members were crying. I’ll admit I shed a tear, but when I left the opera house, I found more people crying too! At first, I thought the music could be heard from outside, but it turns out, it was just ...

I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.

... for 20 seconds.

... And only once.

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Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb twice.

What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

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You know you have a small pp when

..when you run into a wall with a boner and break your nose first.

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My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn't stop making oral sex jokes.

I said "That's hard to swallow."

I just got my first big acting break in a play about neurosurgery...

I'm a bundle of nerves...

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3 men are traveling at night in the country when their car breaks down.

They see a house and push the car into the gravel drive way.

One of men goes to the door and rings the door bell. A farmer and his daughter answer the door and the man explains the situation.

The farmer agrees to let the 3 of them stay in his barn overnight just as long as they don't ...

Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

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I hate it when girls say "Please Don't Break my heart" right before sex

Now I have to explain to her that , my dick will not reach that far.

Why did the female rock break up with the male rock?

Because he took her for granite

Break Ups.....

Girl : I am breaking up with you.

Boy: Ok!

Girl : You will never find somebody like me again.....

Boy : Thank God!

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A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

...

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A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory

where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.


"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing ...

'How to break up with your girlfriend: a two step process'

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

Why can you not break Prince Rupert's Drops Monday thru Friday?

Because you have to hit them on the weak end.

People say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you.

Unless you live in Skyrim where words can kill you

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

What do you do with a bike when one of its tires breaks?

You re-tire it.

The signs always say, “Break glass in case of emergency,” but when I had an emergency and broke the glass, my neighbor yelled at me.

Apparently, it was “highly inappropriate” to throw my drink to the floor, and I “could’ve just asked where the bathroom is.”

I always miss the people I break up with.

I should really improve my aim.

If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...

...are you testing its utensil strength?

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend

Love meant nothing to her

Why did the Soviet guy break up with his girlfriend?

He saw red flags everywhere.

I used to drive my infant daughter (who refused to dribk from a bottle) to the hospital where my wife worked as a nurse so she could breastfeed during her lunch break.

I'm no math major, but I'm pretty sure that means that my wife was nursing².

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Why did the butter break up with the knife?

It kept getting left on bread.

My wife wants to break up with me because I would be too obsessed with horses.

I thought we'd have a stable relationship, but neigh...