The 112+ Best Break Jokes

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

Breaking News: There was a break in at the police station today and the toilet was stolen.

The police have nothing to go on.

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My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name…

…to Tree Dollar.

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

Elmer Fudd and Daffy break into a distillery.

Daffy turns to Elmer and says, “ Is this whiskey?”

Elmer says: “yeah, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS! Viagra as treatment for sunburns...

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheets off of your legs at night...

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...

“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

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A little girl was on summer break, and some guys showed up to work on the house across the street

Being the curious type, she decided to walk over and offer her help. The guys said sure, of course she could. So they gave her little jobs to do all week, "bring these screws over to Ray" and that sort of thing. After the week was over, they decided to give her a little payment, and handed her an en...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening.

They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the...

Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”

Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all are getting seven years of bad luck!”

Condom: “Ha...haha....hahahaha (walks off laughing)”

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

why do we tell actors to "break a leg"

because every play has a cast

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Why did the girl Koala want to break up with the boy Koala?

Not enough koala tea time.

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

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Breaking news: A man was admitted to the hospital with 25 toy horses shoved up his rectum…

Doctors described his condition as stable.

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

Timmy had been dating Joyce for almost 2 months and decided to tell his parents on Thanksgiving break

When he tells his dad, he asks him “wait a moment, is this Joyce, Susan’s girl?

Timmy replied: “yes Susan Thompson, that’s her mom, do you know her”?

His dad said after a deep sigh: “well son, I’m Afraid you can’t date her, see when I was younger I got around if you know what I mean a...

Why did the Biology teacher break up with the Physics teacher?

There was no chemistry.

Break ups are the worst in China

You see her face everywhere

I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me

Then I fell into a printing press.

\-Milton Jones

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

Why did the garlic break up with the onion?

Because the onion kept making it cry… and the garlic couldn’t take the smell anymore!

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs...

More below.

Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors.

The first man says to the last man: "I'm bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car d...

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break-ins lately. Any ideas what to do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

Breaking: Dexter Holland from The Offspring has declared bankruptcy after pouring most of the band's savings into this week's lottery tickets.

He asked for a 13, but they drew a 31.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

One for the Aussies: So after the break-up of Cold Chisel, Ian Moss approached Mick Jagger and Keith Richards about replacing the recently departed Bill Wyman.

But everyone knows a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

I took some days off from work to break my personal sleep record.

Unfortunately my family has not been supportive of my "dreams".

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What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

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A man is driving his car along a country road when suddenly, it breaks down

He pulls over to the side of the road, pops the bonnet, and starts investigating the problem.

A horse in the field next to him trots over to the fence, looks the car over up and says " your spark plugs are gone, buddy"

The man, thinking he's lost the plot, shakes his head and proceeds ...

Four college friends, teammates on the school's Rowing team, take a trip to Patagonia on Spring Break and get lost for a couple weeks.

Having brought food enough for only five days, they were soon forced to butcher and eat their alpaca, who they'd used to carry some of their gear.

That gave them enough food for a while, but even that eventually wore thin, until they were down to just the pack-animal's tongue, lips, and face...

An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says “looks like you’ve blown a seal” the Eskimo replies

“So what you f**k sheep”

What is the equation for break up?

y = cos x is irrational

My date asked me if I have any phobias and I had to break it off there and then.

We only drink REAL beers in my house.

Why did Hannibal Lecter’s lover break up with him?

He wouldn’t stop staring at people like a piece of meat

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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks...

Two lawn workers were taking a break in the yard

From down the block they heard a familiar mournful tune coming from the local church.

"Guess there's a funeral in town today," one man said. "Wonder who died?"

The second man said "I'm not sure but usually it's the one in the coffin."

Why did the actor break their arm?

Because they wanted to be in a cast!

Why did the apple break up with the orange?

Because the banana was more appealing.

In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

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Why did you break up with your girlfriend? You described the sex as mind blowing?

That's right. She didn't mind blowing other guys.

My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR

Soviet

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes

He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.

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Once in college, I was seeing a girl who had a twin. When I went home for the break I told my mother I was seeing a girl with a twin, and she asked me “how do you tell them apart?”

I told her “Nancy paints her fingernails blue, and Nick has a penis.”

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ...

Lucky Break

A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on his door one Friday evening.
.
"I'm feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said.
"I want to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?"

"Yes!" he replied enthusiastically.
...

Why did Aaron Paul do such a good job portraying Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad?

Because he’s a meth-head actor.

How did Anakin and Padme break up?

They got a diforce.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

How did the burglar break in?

Intruder window

I had to break up with my boyfriend over the phone

We just had no connection.

I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.

I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered "Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out!"

I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs.
I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Nobody there.

Slowly, I made my ...

What’s the best meal to make for someone you’re breaking up with?

Dumplings

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...

Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.

"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.

"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."

"How funny,"...

Breaking: Brittany Griner

Brittany Griner has just been swapped for arms dealer Viktor Bout.

Both have roughly the same shooting %

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break.

Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.

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BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.

More to come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't people give Melania Trump a break...

Life is hard enough growing up as a black woman in the USA.

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

Why did the shrimp break up with her boyfriend?

He was really shellfish!

My professor told me that the key to passing the exam is to break it down and I've done two-thirds of what he said

I break down

Some important news for electric car users. I learned today that, if you break down in an electric car, you can still use the AA.

But if you break down in a small electric car, you have to use the AAA.

[OC] Why do French teeth break more readily than English teeth?

Because they‘re *les dents*

BREAKING NEWS!! Cheese Factory Explosion...

De-Brie is everywhere!

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

Just before breaking up with them, I would treat all my exes to mani-pedis, massages, and give them some spending money.

Father always taught me to leave stuff in better condition than how I found it.

Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10-hour movie?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

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Two thieves break into a man's house...

The man wakes up in the middle of a night and runs down stairs but the thieves escape over the fence so he calls the police. The police get to his house and ask what happened; the mans says: "Well the robbers took off with my personal computer and nothing else before I scared them away", the police ...

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Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?” The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the afternoon, a housewife was taking a break from housework.

Feeling horny, she pleasured herself with her vibrator.

Suddenly she heard someone open the front door. She quickly hid the vibrator and pulled up her pants.

It was her husband.

Her: "Honey, why are you coming home from work so early?"

Him: "I've been laid off. They don't...

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.

After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Two prisoners are breaking out.

To make it to freedom, they have to climb over seven high walls. The first two are no problem, but they are starting to get tired after wall three. Wall four is quite challenging for them, but they make it with little issue. After wall five, they are exhausted, but they keep going. Smelling freedom,...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

Break for lunch=Brunch, lunch for dinner=linner, dinner for breakfast

Dikfast

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

A fellow actor told me to break a leg…

I told him to call my casting agent

I really feel lonely and alone after an intense break up with my girlfriend.

I have no one to talk about it, not even with my wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory

where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing ...

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