Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

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BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

How do drummers ask if they can take a break?

It’s quite simple

“Hey, you guys think we can work on stairway to heaven for a bit?”

BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory!

Da Brie is everywhere.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

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Roger is a hard worker and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”


They are seated and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, R...

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I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her

She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.

She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?"

What’s the best first name for a news anchor that breaks a lot of big stories?

This: Justin.

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car suddenly breaks-down. They set out to find help, and come to a farmhouse. When they knock on the door, the farmer explains that he has only two beds, and one of the three has to sleep in the barn with the animals.

The three quickly agree. The Rabbi says he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi leaves, there's a knock on the bedroom door. It's the Rabbi, exclaiming, "I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the s...

My girlfriend wants to break up with me because she says I play video games too much

What a ridiculous reason to Fallout 4

I had to break up with a cross eyed girl a while back.

She was seeing people on the side.

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Breaking news: Melania Trump’s naked pics are now online

Fake nudes

Old habits are hard to break.

A woman gynecologist decides she wants to become a mechanic. She enrolls in a technical college and becomes an A student.

Before she can graduate she must pass the final exam, which is dismantling a car engine & rebuilding correctly. When she receives the results of her exam she sees the ...

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

Why do actors tell each other to "break a leg"?

Because every play needs a cast.

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

What does a frog do when it's car breaks down?

Gets **toad**

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

Breaking News

This just in, world renowned artist Paul Jacobson has been disqualified from this year's Animal Photography Championship due to use of performance enhancing drugs.

This determined after the discovery of polaroids smuggled within his travel bag.

Breaking News: Energizer Bunny Arrested

Charged with battery

Why did the space rock break up?

It couldn’t comet.

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Three young college kids on break for summer vacation decided to explore the far ends of the world and see what unique stories and legends they could experience.

Upon their journey, they find a small town filled with families and friends who have lived there for generations on end. The three talk it over and decide it would be fun to stay the night and go chat with the locals to see what transpires.

After checking into the lodge they proceed to unpac...

How do you keep an egg from breaking when throwing it at a wall?

Leave it inside the chicken.

A truck driver was transporting 100 penguins from Melbourne to Perth when he breaks down in the middle of the desert...

A mechanic takes a look and tells the truckie that the repair will take at least two days. He knows that the penguins won't survive in the heat for that long so he flags down a passing truck and offers the driver $5000 to take the penguins to the Perth zoo for him.
A few days later the repairs ar...

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

Two executioners are talking during their break.

One asks the other if they're doing anything after work.

"Nope, what's up?"

"Wanna hang?"

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

When 2020 finally breaks us down,

2020 won

Why did d/dx break up with e^x?

She finally realized that she could never change him. #mathcanbefunny

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, b...

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun...

Two men break out of a mental institution.

Two men steal flashlights and break out of a mental institution. They find themselves on the roof of the building with orderlies closing in. The men look and see there is an adjacent roof they might be able to jump onto. The first man runs and leaps over the gap, landing on the roof of the next buil...

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3 men are on a rooftop with a wizard. The wizard says that if they jump, the first word they say will break their fall.

The first man jumps and says "Pillows!" and he lands in a pile of pillows. The second man jumps and says "Hay!" and he lands in a pile of hay. The third man then tries to jump, but trips off the edge and says "Shit!"

Why did the ghost's girlfriend break up with him?

She found out about his side boos!

Breaking News

Vinn Diesel is now married to the voice actor who voiced Ariel in Disney’s The Little Mermaid. They wanted a big, luxurious wedding but with everything going on they opted for a small, private ceremony. Not because of Corona Virus; but because they didn’t want anyone catching a Vinn-Ariel disease.

A break in the routine

A famous clown was performing his routine on stage. After a particularly funny gag, an audience member in the front row clutched his chest and crumbled out of his seat to the floor.

The clown immediately broke off his routine. He leapt off the stage to attend to the man. “I think I’m having ...

Why did the sad geologist skip his lunch break?

Because he lost his apatite.

Why will the President stop breaking the law next week?

...

Because he’ll be a-Biden

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of those.

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BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.

More to come.

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't matter if Epstein committed suicide. If those cases had ever gone to court -

- it would have been a hung jury.

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in...

BREAKING NEWS: The French have successfully developed a COVID vaccine

But it's refusing to work

I used to really want to know how to break into bank safes

It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be

Two men are hiking when suddenly their tent breaks

Two men, Paul and John, are hiking when suddenly their tent breaks. Unable to set it up for the incoming night until they can find a replacement, they decide they'll need to stay round someone's house who's willing to let the men in.

Paul and John go around knocking at houses and getting reje...

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When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman"

But when I do it I'm "gay".

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Breaking: CNN legal analyst caught masturbating on a Zoom call

Guess you could say he just couldn't keep his Toobin his pants

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Breaking news: Matthew McConaughey to play Hitler in upcoming film

All Reich, all Reich, all Reich...

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

The first time Chewbacca tried to fly a ship, he pulled gear lever instead of break lever.

A Wookie mistake.

I wanted to break up with my girlfriend

So I told her let's just be cousins.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in a desert when their car breaks down.

Thinking quickly, the brunette decides they should all start trying to scavenge and collect supplies for the long walk to the nearest gas station.

The other two girls agree, so they begin their hunt.

The brunette grabs her knife from the car and cuts a few cacti open, hoping to col...

Little Johnny is in class the day before summer break

Teacher: Alright class I’m going to ask a question and if you get it right you can go home early.
The first question is, what president is on the penny?

Little Johnny raises his hand

Teacher: Ummm Juanita go ahead

Juanita: Abraham Lincoln!

Teacher: Alright Juanita you...

How did the blonde break her legs raking leaves?

She fell out of a tree.

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

I can't believe Fred and Daphne are breaking up

Yeah, I hear they're splitting up to search for clues

Lada breaks down on the autobahn...

... Driver gets out only to see someone pull up in a Porsche Cayenne. Cayenne driver asks him does he need a tow. Lada driver replies with a "Yes. I will turn my right blinker on to tell you that you are going too fast." After a few hundred meters, a person in a Lamborghini Urus speeds by.

Po...

"BREAKING NEWS- Potus now has Covid"

Genie- "Okay, now what are your other two wishes?"

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

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Sorry it's a long one. A man is driving when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere so he walks to the nearest house

When he knocks the door is opened by a Chinese man who happily agrees to help him and says he may spend the night. But he says do not touch my daughter or you will suffer 3 Chinese tortures.

The man agree and goes to sleep but is awakened by the man's daughter who is stunning and he can't he...

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A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's peo...

A crazy man put a gun to my head and told me if I don't break the world record for the tallest filet mignon tower he would kill me and my family.

The steaks have never been higher.

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At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.

They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

Why were Aaron Paul and Brian Cranston cast in Breaking Bad

They had great chemistry.

BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar

He got twelve months

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Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl

You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it

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A man is driving his new BMW to a special event when he notices it start to break down.

He pushes it to a shop and is greeted by a mechanic.
Mechanic: What seems to be the problem?
Man: I don’t know! I was driving and it just died. I’m really in a hurry. Can you help me?
Mechanic: Yeah. Give me a few minutes.
A few minutes later the mechanic comes back....
Mechanic: Seem...

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

Why did the capitalist break up with the communist?

To many red flags

Do you wanna hear a joke about couples breaking up?

Nevermind it wouldn't work out

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

[Since we are telling old golf jokes] A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he has to go to a nearby farm ...

The farmer says he'd be happy to fix the car, but it will take three days. The man is welcome to stay with the farmer and his nine beautiful daughters, but since he doesn't trust the man, he has to sleep with the chickens.

The next day, the farmer asks how the man slept and the man says, "we...

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How do you break a blondes nose?

Put a dildo under a glass table

What precaution should you take after you break your leg in two places?

Avoid those two places.

My girlfriend wants to break up with me and I don’t know why.

I’ve asked my parents, siblings, friends, wife, other family. No one can figure it out.

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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

BREAKING NEWS!

Man gets hit by a rental car.

Says, “It Hertz.”

Why did the ice cream van break down?

There was a rocky road!

Why did the rope between 2 exes break?

Because there was a lot of tension.

Wife gets a text from husband saying "I think we should break up."

The wife, very confused, says to the husband, "You know I live with you. If you wanted to separate, you could have walked over and told me."

The husband replies, "Sorry babe. Wrong person."

[OC] I just spent my morning break writing this joke.

Jeff had spent most of his adult life in prison for a string of drug offenses and theft. He is finally being released at 28 years old after a decade in prison.

He approaches his jailhouse lover, Vince, a former English teacher and schoolboy fondler. Vince was a little sad to say goodbye, and...

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I met a Harry Potter fanfic writer. But their writting was very boring, they were just retelling the original plot in other words. I recommended them to take a break, read something different for new perspective/inspiration, and then try again.

They took my advice and then month later they sent me draft of the first chapter of their new fanfic.

"-You know Harry, Ron said. I'm not really Irish. I'm actually Jewish.

-Then I have something to tell you too, Harry said, smiling. This train isn't really going to Hogwarts."

...

Dad, are we breaking the law by starting all these fires?

Yes, we arson.

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo.

He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it's right in front of a mechanic in town.

He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he's going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat.

...

"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,

"I got a
letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop
seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll
have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first
guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not
that," declared the man...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

BREAKING NEWS! A hurricane has just hit New Jersey...

It has inflicted about $25,000 worth of improvement.

A fire breaks out in the kitchen.

The man rushes over to the emergency station and comes back with a large red tube. He points it at the fire and squeezes the lever. The tube says, “that’s a grease fire!” The man looks closer at what he’s carrying. “Dammit,” he says, “I accidentally bought a fire distinguisher!”

Why did the bread break up with the cheese?

Because she wasn’t Gouda enough for him!

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next mornings newspaper headline reads, "Worlds Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules

Taiwan:I am China

China:No I am China

Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan

China:No you are China

Breaking news :NASA wants first person to reach Mars, to be a woman.

So that when men arrive, dinner would be ready.

Two blondes are driving to Miami for spring break

On a long boring stretch of highway they start complaining about how long it's taking to get there and the driver asks "What do you think is further away, Florida or the moon?" The passenger replies "Oh my God, you give blondes such a bad name. I can't believe how stupid you are, you can't even see ...

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

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A Man is holding auditions for a pianist and in comes the last one..

He comes in and starts the play the most beautiful song the man has ever heard. The song is so beautiful the man starts crying and ask, “What is the name of that song?”

The pianist then says “Oh, this song right here? It’s called my bone in your ass.”

The man then takes a moment and g...

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

I like to keep a gun in my nightstand drawer just in case someone breaks in

That way I can shoot myself to avoid social interaction

In school the teacher asks Joshua what he did during the break.

Joshua answers "I was playing with Thomas in the sand box". The teacher replies "Then come to the front, write sand on the blackboard and if you write it correctly you can go home."
After that the teacher asks Thomas what he did during the break and Thomas replies "I was in the sand box playing ...

A United States was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared away Marine would do. He went ar...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

Jack decided to go skiing with his best buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone ...

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

What do you call a vampire who’s car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab

Why did the flat-earther couple break up?

They drove each other to the edge.

A burglar breaks into a house late at night.

He’s going through all of the family’s belongings when he hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He looks around and sees no one and think he’s imagining things he goes back to what he’s doing and again hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He shined his flashlight on a cage a...

An electron is breaking the speed limit going along a motorway...

...When he is pulled over by a Proton. Proton: do you know how fast you were going?
Electron: yes, but now I have no clue as to where I am.

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In Prison vs. At Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.

AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good be...

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another Scooby-Doo quote.

My last words to her were “Alright, let’s split up gang.”

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

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Guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan meets him and tells him he’s got to pick between 2 rooms. They go into the first room, and it’s full of people standing on their heads on a marble floor. He takes him to the second room, and it’s full of people sitting in an 18-inch deep layer of shit, drinking coffee. Guy figures that he like...

Breaking News! Cartoonist found dead in his home.

Details are sketchy

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Astrology: When a thermometer breaks during your rectal examination.

Mercury will be in your anus

I had to break it to my luggage that there'd be no vacation this year ...

... and now I have to deal with a lot of emotional baggage.

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see.

A burgler breaks into a house at night

As he's sneaking around, suddenly he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you".

The burgler ignores it. But then he hears it again: "Jesus is watching you".

Confused, the burgler pays his attention to where the voice is coming from. And he sees a parrot.

The burgler approaches the ...

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4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and says ‟The only reason you're not already inside is because you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty, if you have a confession, now's the time.”

The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. ‟I saw a man's penis on...

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One time i was at a bar

A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family

i said "No but they stumble around and break shit"

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