Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

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If a rectal thermometer breaks in your butt

There’s mercury in Uranus

If you ever rob a deaf person, be sure to break their hands.

Who're they gonna tell?

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant, we always use protection and it didn’t break. How is this possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he want. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, then ...

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My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

Two young lads break into a distillery...

One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?”

The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

A burglar breaks into a home and is caught by the homeowner. "WAIT, DON'T SHOOT ME, PLEASE!" the burglar screamed. The homeowner said,

"Relax, I'm Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs."

Why do we tell actors to 'break a leg"

Because every play has a CAST

3 friends are driving through the desert when their car breaks down.

They each decide to take just one thing with them as they go and search for help. They see a small village on the horizon, and so set off in that direction.

The first friend is carrying an umbrella, the second a whiskey flask, the third the car door.

After hours of walking, they find ...

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is...

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Donald Trump decided to take a break from presidency and visit Greenland..

He's put up in a nice hotel with the best service in the region.

However, there is a problem.

Every time he goes out to do some sightseeing, someone keeps calling him "Cunt".

He comes back to the hotel and asks the manager about this strange phenomenon.

The manager says, ...

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

Why did the two book lovers break up?

They weren't quite on the same page.

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to break into Fort Knox?

Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold.

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3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

Where do kids with ADHD get sent for summer break?

Concentration camp

A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed

Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house

Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!

Why did Pinocchio’s girlfriend break up with him?

He said “I love you”

A polish pilot is going in for a landing when he realizes the runway is not long enough. After putting on the emergency breaks he screeches to a halt, missing the airport with the nose of the plane by mere feet.

The enraged pilot told the reporters later on "This is an obvious design flaw in American airports, why the hell would they make the landing strips so short? Or so unbelievably wide!?"

2 robbers break into a house

In the house, 4 people live there. A mom, a dad, and 2 kids. When the robbers break in, the parents say to the kids, "stand still, and just do what they tell you to do."

The robber hands the mom a gun, and holds one to her head, and tells her to shoot one of her kids.

She panicks, ta...

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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

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I hate having to break up with Japanese women

You have to drop the bombshell twice before they get the point

Why does the Queen take bathroom breaks during a poker game?

To make a royal flush

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My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

A guy's car breaks down on a rural road...

He was looking around under the hood when a cow walked up and said, "check the carburetor".
The guy walked over to a farmer who was working nearby, and told him about the cow.
"Well, I wouldn't get too excited...", said the farmer, "that cow don't know anything about cars."

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

I had to break up with my opera singer girlfriend...

It was always about MI MI MI MI MI!

How many police officers does take to break an egg?



None. It fell down the stairs

Why did my gamer boyfriend break up with me?

I didn’t meet his xboxtations.

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

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A man is driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down

He has no idea how to fix it and is in the middle of nowhere. Under the scorching heat of the sun, hours pass by and his hopes start fading away.

All of a sudden, a grey horse appears from nowhere.

\- What's up, pal? says the horse. Can I help you?

The man is baffled. Where is ...

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank?

A cab!

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I got an mp3 player for my birthday. But this group of shitheads at school decided to break it. So my mom bought me an mp4 player. Same group of shitheads broke it. So I brought an mp5, but the school confiscated that.

Tomorrow I'm bringing an MP7

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During lunch break on a high rise construction site....

...Dave says, "Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"

"It was weird!", says Daryl. "I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out "FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side a...

How do you break up a fight between two blind people?

Yell "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I refuse to drive while on a cellphone and break the law.

So I use a walkie-talkie instead.

A serial killer breaks into a couple's house and finds them getting ready for bed.

He points a gun at the wife and says, "What's your name?"

"Elizabeth," says the woman.

"I could never kill you," says the serial killer, tears in his eyes. "My mother's name was Elizabeth."

He then points the gun at the husband.

"And what's your name?"

"Dan," says ...

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so

I told him I'd start lying to my wife.

My girlfriend died and I had to break the news to everyone.

The most difficult person to tell was my former best friend, because every time I mention his mother he tries to choke me.

Two men were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, and didn't even have the shelves set up.

A curious old man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
“Vat ya sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling idiots."

*Without skipping a beat, t...

Why did Jasmine break up with Aladdin?

Because he had a boo on the side

I’m addicted to break fluid.

Don’t worry, I can stop at any time.

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

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A families car breaks down and they have to spend the night at a seedy hotel...

The husband leans over and whispers to the wife “Jeez, I hope the porns disabled.”

The clerk shouts from behind the counter “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck!”

What happens when a cube breaks the law?

It goes to prism.

Where do horses go when they break their legs?

The HORSEpital hahahaha,



Jk they get shot

A man driving down the road, slams on his breaks, and honks the horn because there is a car stopped in the middle of the road.

He storms out of his car and looks inside of the parked car to see a naked couple laying inside. He yells at them, "What are you doing in the middle of the road?! Why didn't you move when I honked?"

The naked man in the car yells back, "You were coming, I was coming, and she was coming. You w...

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice!

What do you call a car spoiler that's about to break?

An endgame spoiler

My girlfriend wanted to break up with me for misquoting Oasis lyrics too much...

I said: "I don't believe anybody feels the way I feel about you now."

Guys, give Alabama a break for the Abortion Ban Law...

They can’t exactly abort it now, can they?

Escalators can never break...

They can only become stairs.

-MH

Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one.

Break their bone, they have 206.

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, Sir. You've already moved most of the earth."

Why did Barbie break up with Ken?

He kept Toying with her emotions

I was gonna break up with an ex-girlfriend because she had a Linkin Park poster on her wall

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

A penguins car breaks down.

He decides to take his car to the mechanic. While he was at the mechanic he got bored so went for a walk. While walking he walked past an ice cream shop and went in. He orders one vanilla ice cream. He goes back to the mechanic and they say “it looks like you’ve blown a seal” he says “no it’s just i...

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of a snow storm

While searching for help he finds a temple. The man knocks on the door and an old monk comes and greets him

Man: Hay can you please help, my car broke down in the middle of the snow storm

Monk: Yes of course please come in

The man enters the temple and is given food, water and a...

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Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese person?

Because you have to drop the bomb twice for them to understand.

P.S. : Reposting this as some Japanese folks didn't get it the first time around.

Why did Ranch break up with Thousand Island?

Because Thousand Island Bleu Cheese

What breaks when you say it’s name?

Silence

Today I had two 3 hour exams with a three hour break in between.

My teacher told me not to sleep during the break. However he didn't say what I could do during the exams.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

I just started a 2 month break from technology.

I started an hour ago. It's working out nicely so far.



Edit 1, 5/15/19: Dude I've never stuck to a goal this much.

Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck

Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck.

Condom: hahahaha

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car. The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do...

What would you call an addendum to burglary laws that would state that it's legal to break and enter into someone's house, provided you leave them with a gift?

The Santa clause

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Why do you say "break a leg" to an actor ?

Cause without a good cast they are fucked

What says the nymphomaniac's right leg to her left leg, at the end of spring break ?

"Long time no see !"

A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

What law do most mathematicians break?

...They drink and derive.

*Baddum tss*

Thank you, thank you! I'll see myself out.

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

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A mexican with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?

His lawnmower.

A Jew with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?
His nose.

A thai woman runs into a wall, what does he break?
Her boner.

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Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” says Tom.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the...

A school shooting breaks out, the shooter kills every kid he sees for being cruel to him, all except one specific 12 year old boy.

I guess progeria has it’s ups.

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues?

Meno pause

What's the worst way to break up with Elon Musk?

By saying *"I need some space"*

Bear Grylls: "Can we pause this interview? I got to take a pee break." *director agrees

Bear Grylls: "Thank god. I was damn thirsty."... \*opens a bottle of his own urine

A monkey breaks out of the zoo...

Animal control tracks him down and finds him on top of a tree.
The chief of animal control brings out 4 items a bat, a dog, handcuffs and a shotgun.
He says “now boys I’m gonna go up that tree and knock him out with the bat. The dog is trained to bite his balls, while he puts his hands over hi...

Sticks and stones may break my bones but...

...I need a doctor

A guy dressed as a chicken on fire tried to break into my house.

If phoenix anything I'll be mad.

I used to date a cross eyed girl but we had to break up

She was seeing someone on the side

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Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

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Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”



The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break…

This is probably because concrete floors are really hard...

What caused the ice cream truck to break down?

a rocky road

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.

... for 20 seconds.

... And only once.

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