Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”

Me: “idk what”

Him: “A Hippo dent”

I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

Can't catch a break as a delivery driver for an Indian restaurant...

I've been working naan stop.

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

[At dinner] Her: We have to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes.

Me: Ok. And for the main course?

Have you heard of the kid who died breaking ore?

He was so young. Only a miner.

A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.

When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?”
The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

when mary was pregnant with jesus, her water didn't break...

her wine did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I had to break it off with my therapist. I told him I'm having suicidal thoughts...

He told me I'm gonna have to start paying in advance

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

My deaf girlfriend was going to break up with me

She didn’t really say anything. But the signs were all there.

So my girlfriend said she wanted to break up with me because I had no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

A duck was standing by a busy roadside, waiting for a break in traffic as cars went roaring by.

A chicken walks up and says, "Don't do it, bud. You'll never hear the end of it."

How do you break the world record for the fastest time down a mountain?

Climb the smallest mountain.

What do you call a Vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from the blood bank?

A cab!

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

But your mom is definitely overweight.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

In breaking news

Corduroy pillows are making head lines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A thief breaks into a house...

As he is looting the house, he realizes that the home owner returned, so he decided to hide.

As he is looking for a hiding spot he find four large metal containers with various things in them, he hides in the last one and waits for the owner to leave again.

As the owner returned he kno...

Why did Santa Claus shoes break?

...because he had so many missile toes.

Breaking News: Wal-Mart to close 400 stores in the US

Sources say it would put 12 cashiers out of work

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

What do you call a person who breaks saxophones?

A sax offender

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away

I had to break up with my lazy eye girlfriend..

...she was seeing someone on the side.

Three prisoners break out of their jail cell.

There is only one prison guard, and he knows he is outnumbered. Instead of trying to take the prisoners down, he shouts “Hey! I don’t think you should do this. You should go back to your cells and wait out your sentence.“ The prisoners laugh, but the guard keeps talking. He gives them every reason w...

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

A guy goes to his doctor and says, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never breaks. How is it possible? Let me tell you a story, the doctor says...

There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion. It died.

Guy: Nonsense! Someone e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's the middle of the night, pouring rain, and a man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere...

He sees a farmhouse in the distance and walks to it. After knocking on the front door, a farmer opens it and greets the man. Inside, the man sees the farmer's beautiful wife and daughter.

The man tells the farmer about his situation and the farmer is sympathetic, allowing the man to stay the...

What does the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" mean?

It means you should go see a doctor​; you probably have osteoporosis.

What do you say to a blacksmith who's angry about breaking his sword

Ooh, temper temper!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

What happens when a Google employee breaks his arm?

He gets a Chrome Cast.

BREAKING NEWS: a local man was just brought into emergency care when he ate 50,000$ worth of US 100$ bills

No change is reported

Breaking news: Philadelphia Cream Cheese's New Ad Slams Competitor Brand's product!

It's just a regular smear campaign.

I had to break up with my neurosurgeon girlfriend

She was messing with my head

Officer: Soldier can you break a $20? Soldier: Absolutely buddy! Officer: Thats no way to address an officer. Let’s try this again. Can you break a $20?

Soldier: No, SIR!

Went to the store to buy break fluid.

Came back with some coffee.

CNN BREAKING NEWS:

Anonymous hero donates hospital 200 human kidneys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

My colourblind girlfriend is breaking up with me.

She said she had a hard time seeing the red flags.

Saw an article about a zebra breaking into someone’s house today

This black on white crime really needs to be stopped

I once had a gold fish that could break dance on the carpet

But only once and only for twenty seconds

The police kept telling me that I must take a break from work but I refused

I was charged with resisting a rest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the testicle break up with the bladder?

Because there was a vas deferens between them.

(Original joke I came up w yesterday, thank you, thank you)

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

He needed some space.

Poor people break into your house to steal.

Rich people break into your house to gloat.

Break-up

Me and my girlfriend decided to break-up.



We broke up and it was mutually decided that I don't deserve her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

Don't feel bad if you break a window...

you're putting it out of it's pane.

What is a Mandalorian's favorite drink during break?

Boba tea.

A burglar breaks into a house

A burglar breaks into a house and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".

He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.

He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the...

A burglar breaks into a house

While going through the owner's silver ware a voice speaks to him:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating his line:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a rectal thermometer breaks in your butt

There’s mercury in Uranus

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

If you ever rob a deaf person, be sure to break their hands.

Who're they gonna tell?

A thief breaks into a Scotsman's house in the middle of the night...

It wakes the old man, who comes down in his night gown and cap. He calls out to the darkness,

"Oi! Who's there? Who's in ma hoose?"

"It's me," the thief replies, "I'm lookin' for some money."

The old man pauses for a moment. He then talks back, "Hold on. I'll grab a torch, and w...

If you spell Breaking Bad backwards, you will get "Dab Gnikaerb"

Which still makes more sense than Game of thrones\` entire season 8

What do you call a bird so sick, it's breaking the law?

Ill eagle

What's worse luck than breaking a mirror?

A Condom, that one might just get you for 18 years or more.

Why did the lumberjack break his tools?

It was an axedent

What’s the nicest thing to say after a break up with a girl from Alabama?

I hope we can still be cousins

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

I knew this lightbulb that was in a really toxic relationship with her boyfriend. They kept breaking up and getting back together again. It happened dozens of times before I finally told her-

“You really need to get out of this on-off relationship.”

Two young lads break into a distillery...

One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?”

The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”

An Eskimo's snowmobile breaks down

He brings it to the local mechanic who after some time pulls the whole engine apart and finds the problem.
Mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal"
Eskimos wipes his face quickly and says
"Oh, That's just mayonnaise"

One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is...

I once dated a Chinese vexillologist, but I had to break it off.

Too many red flags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

The shovel is a ground breaking invention, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation by storm. However, the invention of the wheel got things rolling...

And I’m just here wondering why our feet smell and our nose run...

The Park Ranger told me not to leave any wrappers inside my car otherwise bears might try and break into it....

I didn't know bears were so into Hip Hop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

What would you call Breaking Bad if it were good?

Breaking Bad.

My gf works for the government but just delivered the message to me that she wants to break up...

Guess she's now my Fed Ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

What do you say when a short psychic breaks out of jail?

Small medium at large...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

Breaking Bad Joke

Walter: Hi Skyler, got us some breadsticks and pizza

Skyler: How much do I owe you.

Walter: It’s on the house.

#Breaking news

A clown recently had to retire earlier this week.
#
After sustaining an injury, the clown was found to have broken his funny bone.
#
Looks like he got the last laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me "I'm breaking up with you because you keep slapping my ass to see it jiggle"

I said "Fine. I hope the door hits you on your way out"

A burglar breaks into a home and is caught by the homeowner. "WAIT, DON'T SHOOT ME, PLEASE!" the burglar screamed. The homeowner said,

"Relax, I'm Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs."

Why did the two book lovers break up?

They weren't quite on the same page.

So this Eskimo’s snowmobile breaks down.

He goes to a shop and has the mechanic look at it. Well this Eskimo goes outside to get a drink from the stream. He comes back in and the engineer looks at him, and say says “well it looks like you blew a seal” and to which the Eskimo replies “huh? Oh no I just drank water. It’s just ice on my beard...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman is delivering four monkeys to Dublin zoo when his van breaks down

Stopped at the side of the road he sees Paddy in an empty van behind him so he flags him down.

“Alright mate, I’m in a spot of bother here, If I give you fifty quid will you bring these monkeys down to the zoo for me?” says the Englishman

“No bother at all, load them up” says Paddy a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate having to break up with Japanese women

You have to drop the bombshell twice before they get the point

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

If you are crossing the desert, be sure to take a deck of cards with you. If you get lost or break down, just start dealing solitaire.

Before you're halfway through the first game, you will hear a voice behind you saying "Red nine on the black ten"...

3 friends are driving through the desert when their car breaks down.

They each decide to take just one thing with them as they go and search for help. They see a small village on the horizon, and so set off in that direction.

The first friend is carrying an umbrella, the second a whiskey flask, the third the car door.

After hours of walking, they find ...

2 robbers break into a house

In the house, 4 people live there. A mom, a dad, and 2 kids. When the robbers break in, the parents say to the kids, "stand still, and just do what they tell you to do."

The robber hands the mom a gun, and holds one to her head, and tells her to shoot one of her kids.

She panicks, ta...

Where do kids with ADHD get sent for summer break?

Concentration camp

16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16

A man is walking down the street in a small town where there is an insane asylum contained by a 20 foot brick wall at the end of the block. Behind the wall he can hear the inmates roaring "16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16" and he wonders what is happening. The roar grows loude...

My girlfriend texted me that we were breaking up.

I was relieved when she said, “Sorry, wrong number.”

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

BREAKING NEWS!

Willie Nelson got hit by a car last night.

He was playing on the road again....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

A polish pilot is going in for a landing when he realizes the runway is not long enough. After putting on the emergency breaks he screeches to a halt, missing the airport with the nose of the plane by mere feet.

The enraged pilot told the reporters later on "This is an obvious design flaw in American airports, why the hell would they make the landing strips so short? Or so unbelievably wide!?"

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to break into Fort Knox?

Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

My girlfriend sounded happy while she was breaking up with me over the phone, but I could barely hear her because of the bad reception.

I guess you could say she was ex-static.

It's hard to be a bartender when you are shy

You always have to break the ice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down

He has no idea how to fix it and is in the middle of nowhere. Under the scorching heat of the sun, hours pass by and his hopes start fading away.

All of a sudden, a grey horse appears from nowhere.

\- What's up, pal? says the horse. Can I help you?

The man is baffled. Where is ...

A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed

Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house

Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!

How do you break up a fight between two blind people?

Yell "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

How many police officers does take to break an egg?



None. It fell down the stairs

A serial killer breaks into a couple's house and finds them getting ready for bed.

He points a gun at the wife and says, "What's your name?"

"Elizabeth," says the woman.

"I could never kill you," says the serial killer, tears in his eyes. "My mother's name was Elizabeth."

He then points the gun at the husband.

"And what's your name?"

"Dan," says ...

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm breaking up with you

What, why?!

"Because all you ever talk about is fucking video games"

But babe please, this is such a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Why does the Queen take bathroom breaks during a poker game?

To make a royal flush

What is common between YouTube and our government?

Both break their own laws

A man is walking home alone...

A man is walking home alone...


A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street ...

My girlfriend is breaking up with me. She says I don’t understand her

I really don’t know what she’s talking about though

I had to break up with my opera singer girlfriend...

It was always about MI MI MI MI MI!

Why did my gamer boyfriend break up with me?

I didn’t meet his xboxtations.

A guy's car breaks down on a rural road...

He was looking around under the hood when a cow walked up and said, "check the carburetor".
The guy walked over to a farmer who was working nearby, and told him about the cow.
"Well, I wouldn't get too excited...", said the farmer, "that cow don't know anything about cars."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got an mp3 player for my birthday. But this group of shitheads at school decided to break it. So my mom bought me an mp4 player. Same group of shitheads broke it. So I brought an mp5, but the school confiscated that.

Tomorrow I'm bringing an MP7

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