Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

What happens when a cube breaks the law?

It goes to prism.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns...

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

If you have an insubordinate servant, break his left arm.

Then he'll serve you right.

A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car. The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do...

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery...

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

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A Thai woman runs into a wall, what does she break?

Her boner.

A guy dressed as a chicken on fire tried to break into my house.

If phoenix anything I'll be mad.

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

Bear Grylls: "Can we pause this interview? I got to take a pee break." *director agrees

Bear Grylls: "Thank god. I was damn thirsty."... \*opens a bottle of his own urine

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” says Tom.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the...

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck

Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck.

Condom: hahahaha

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

A school shooting breaks out, the shooter kills every kid he sees for being cruel to him, all except one specific 12 year old boy.

I guess progeria has it’s ups.

What happens if your car breaks down in the Mushroom Kingdom?

It gets Toad

A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

What law do most mathematicians break?

...They drink and derive.

*Baddum tss*

Thank you, thank you! I'll see myself out.

My boss is kinda weird, he has started announcing to everyone whenever I go on break.

Just the other day I stepped outside to catch some sun and sure enough that goober yells Jailbreak!!! On the plus side he let some dogs out for me to play with.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”

​

The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

What caused the ice cream truck to break down?

a rocky road

Why did the biology teacher and rhe physics teacher break up?

Because they had no CHEMISTRY.

I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break…

This is probably because concrete floors are really hard...

What's the worst way to break up with Elon Musk?

By saying *"I need some space"*

I used to date a cross eyed girl but we had to break up

She was seeing someone on the side

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and an Alabama Crimson Tide fan are in a car together, but the car breaks down.

Luckily, there's a farm right nearby. The farmer says, "I only got room for two of ya in the house, so one of you's gonna have to sleep in the barn."

The Hindu holy man decides to go, but comes back to the barn because there's a cow in there, and Cows are sacred in his faith.

The Rabb...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

A mans car breaks down near a monastery.

Greeted by monks, they offer him shelter for the night and to fix his car. While sleeping in the spare bedroom, he hears a knock on the wall

*Thud*

He asked them the next day while they treated him to breakfast in bed. What was the knock?

"We can't tell you, you're not a monk."<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My weird boss has designated bathroom-break times for all his employees, and now it’s my turn.

I don’t need this shit.

What is it called when you break a guitar amp in a car accident?

A Fender Bender

What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a fight?

Liam Malone

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

The Avengers and Deadpool....

For once, the Avengers and the Deadpool decide to team up and destroy a H.Y.D.R.A. base.

While trying to infiltrate the base they encounter a room, which leads them to a vault containing some files. Deadpool says he is the strongest, so he shall break all walls. Thor days his lightning can de...

Tea Break

Paddy was driving his lorry (truck) when he saw a bridge with a sign saying “10 foot max. headroom.” He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , ‘A Shure an’ Begorrah, I’ll give it a go,’ he thought only to find that his lorry got wedged tight underneath it. …

Paddy ...

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?

Because every play has a cast.

What is a classical singer's big break?

An opera-tunity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“No, Donald, I didn’t break up with her because she was silly.

I said ‘I dumped Minnie because she was fucking Goofy.’”

Three men are driving in the desert when their car breaks down.

The men decide that they must split up and survive on their own for the best chances. They are then forced to abandon the car. To be fair, they decide that they can each take one part of the car to help them.

The first man decides that he wants to take the car battery, he is an engineer and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A handsome priest and a young nun are traveling when their car breaks down...

And they are forced to spend the night in a motel - with only one room left.

The priest, being a gentleman, said, "Due to the circumstances, let's just share the room. I'll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed. I'm sure God will understand".

The nun agrees and they turn off the lig...

How do you break up with a famous movie director?

You look him in the eyes and say, Joss we done.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

My girlfriend said she wants to break up with me because im too childish

i said please give me another chance
she said "no, we're through, done, finished, end of, period.
so i started laughing
she said "what are u laughing for?"
i said "hehe, you said period"

During winter break, I visited Paris...

My mother, a fan of operas, brought me to experience one. The performance was phenomenal. Audience members were crying. I’ll admit I shed a tear, but when I left the opera house, I found more people crying too! At first, I thought the music could be heard from outside, but it turns out, it was just ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know you have a small pp when

..when you run into a wall with a boner and break your nose first.

I just got my first big acting break in a play about neurosurgery...

I'm a bundle of nerves...

A woman’s VW Beetle breaks down

She stops at the side of the road and doesn’t know what to do.

She has no phone signal, and doesn’t see any cars. She feels stranded.

20 minutes later she sees a car in a distance! ...but it doesn’t stop.

Neither does the next one. She’s distraught.

Then after much wait...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn't stop making oral sex jokes.

I said "That's hard to swallow."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb twice.

I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.

... for 20 seconds.

... And only once.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 men are traveling at night in the country when their car breaks down.

They see a house and push the car into the gravel drive way.

One of men goes to the door and rings the door bell. A farmer and his daughter answer the door and the man explains the situation.

The farmer agrees to let the 3 of them stay in his barn overnight just as long as they don't ...

Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Break Ups.....

Girl : I am breaking up with you.

Boy: Ok!

Girl : You will never find somebody like me again.....

Boy : Thank God!

Why did the female rock break up with the male rock?

Because he took her for granite

I always miss the people I break up with.

I should really improve my aim.

People say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you.

Unless you live in Skyrim where words can kill you

What do you do with a bike when one of its tires breaks?

You re-tire it.

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

The signs always say, “Break glass in case of emergency,” but when I had an emergency and broke the glass, my neighbor yelled at me.

Apparently, it was “highly inappropriate” to throw my drink to the floor, and I “could’ve just asked where the bathroom is.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate it when girls say "Please Don't Break my heart" right before sex

Now I have to explain to her that , my dick will not reach that far.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory

where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.


"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

...

Why did the Soviet guy break up with his girlfriend?

He saw red flags everywhere.

If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...

...are you testing its utensil strength?

'How to break up with your girlfriend: a two step process'

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

I used to drive my infant daughter (who refused to dribk from a bottle) to the hospital where my wife worked as a nurse so she could breastfeed during her lunch break.

I'm no math major, but I'm pretty sure that means that my wife was nursing².

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend

Love meant nothing to her

My wife wants to break up with me because I would be too obsessed with horses.

I thought we'd have a stable relationship, but neigh...

A penguin's car breaks down...

So he takes it to the mechanic.

The mechanic says come back in 15 minutes and I will tell you what's wrong with your car.

So the penguin goes out and gets some ice cream.
He is enjoying it and gets it all over his face.

He comes back and the mechanic says "well, it looks like...

I'm addicted to break fluid.

But I can stop whenever I want.

I lost a really valuable item after a break-in the other night.

My balaclava was blown off in the wind.

What do you get when you break up with your girlfriend in the shower?

A Kleenex

“YOU WILL OBEY ORDERS OR I WILL BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME ENSIGN?” The officer demanded.

“SIR YES SIR!” The ensign replied. “REQUESTING PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY SIR!”

“GRANTED.” The officer bellowed.

“DON’T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME, SIR!”

What does the White House use when their fax machine breaks?

Alternative fax

A radio host was taking a break during his podcast when he realized that someone stole his motorcycle from the station's parking lot.

The radio host took the mic and started yelling:

"To the people who stole my motorcycle this morning, you have 4 hours to bring it back to me or I'll do to you the same thing my dad did in 1999 when someone stole his car!"

Only 30 minutes had passed when 2 guys showed up to the radio s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A robber breaks into a bank

He points his gun at the lady at the desk and says “open the vault bitch”
The woman says “sir this is a sperm a bank, there’s no money here”
The robber says “ Open the fucking vault or I’ll blow your head off now”
The woman opens the vault and turns back to the robber, who tells her to take...

“I know this is difficult for you ma’am, but we need to know exactly how you were tortured by the accused. You said that after the hot poker came the pliers pulling out your toenails, but each time you start to tell us the final torture, you break down. Now take a deep breath, & tell the court...”

“Well”, she sobbed, “before he let me go [sob] he made me... he made me........ watch ‘Holmes and Watson’ twice in one sitting”

A piece of string breaks out of prison.

Just one mile out from crossing state lines, the piece of string sees a checkpoint up ahead.

Frantic and worried that he will be recognized, the bit of string hatches an idea for a disguise.

He starts by rolling around on the ground, to the point he becomes dirty and tattered.
Ne...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Rapist breaks into a house

A rapist breaks into a house and ties up the husband and wife. He then kissed the wife's ear and went into the bathroom. The husband said "satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong, love you!!"

The wife answered, "He didnt kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay. He needed vaseline so...

My girlfriend threatened to break-up with me if I didn't stop acting like a Transformer...

I said "but baby, I can change!"

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

Why do Dasher and Dancer get extra coffee breaks?

Because they’re Santa’s star bucks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man breaks into a house and starts examining valuable things to steal. He hears a screechy voice saying "God is watching you!"

He goes into another room and hears the same voice say "God is watching you!".

Then he goes into another room and, once again, hears "God is watching you!". At that point, he asks "And who are you?"

The voice responds by saying "Johnny Cash. I'm a parrot."

The burglar asks "What...

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab.

I can teach you how to break dance so fast

It'll make your headspin

A penguin’s car breaks down in a small town.

Luckily he breaks down near a garage so he walks in and ask the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic says he can take a look in about an hour and suggests the penguin hang out in the local Dairy Queen to kill some time.

The penguin walks over and orders a large waffle cone and starts to ea...

Don't be a glass plate that breaks from the first shock

Be a pressure cooker, the fire is under you and the heat inside you while you are whistling and don't even care!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't you love it when you curl out a massive shit and it touches the water before it breaks off?

Well I had one of those this morning.


And now I'm banned from the diving boards.

How many people subscribed to r/ jokes does it take to change a light bulb?

7

&#x200B;

1 to get the light bulb, 1 to make a joke about getting a light bulb, 1 to put it in, 1 to make a joke about putting it in, 1 to make a joke about the situation, me to repost the joke, and 1 to break the bulb so we can start farming for karma again.

An old man sees two burglars break into his garrage

He quickly calls the police and says:
"Please send a police car, there are two burglars in my garage!"

"I'm sorry sir. We don't have any available units. Please lock your doors and remain inside."

The man just says 'Okay' in a calm voice and hangs up. He waits one minute and then ca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a female trying to break into the music industry I am often asked how I will know I have 'made it'. I figure it's when I'm invited to come on something like Saturday Night Live...

or John Mayer

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

Because he needed his space.

Every time I get greedy and take more than my fair share, I break out in hives.

I must be allergic to selfish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a 7-eleven coffee cup on the table in the break room.

I was curious, so I looked on the back of the cup. It said that the coffee beans were mountain-grown in the world's finest coffee-growing regions and were inspected for premium quality five times prior to being roasted. I snuck a sip of the coffee and thought, "Wow. That's impressive."

Becau...

A car breaks down in the desert. The driver goes in search of help, carrying the car door.

So that if it gets too hot he can open the window.