What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making silly puns about her dark yellow oven glove.

However, I wasn't expecting to wake up this morning and find her gone, I mustard mitt.

My grandad lost his job after the war as a coleman's mustard powder salesman.

His boss told him to mix it with other cheaper powders like flour and chalk but grandad was an honest man, and would only ever sell genuine 100% pure stuff.

His boss fired him as he plainly didn't cut the mustard

I was pretty sure I’d had this mustard before...

Must’ve been Dijon-Vu.

Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?

He's now a seasoned veteran.






Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.

But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.

Lawyers are like mustard gas

When used by the enemy, it's a vile, dirty, despicable trick.

When used by your side, it's perfectly justifiable.

With all the attention on preparing unusual foods in the smoker (hikory smoked mustard, maple smoked ice cream, etc.) I thought up a great idea for a smoked breakfast cereal.

We'll call them "Mesquite O's" the cereal with a bite! They'll leave you itching for more!

Do you think we can stir up some buzz about it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ike, Mike, and Mustard

It was the early 60s and three brothers, Ike, Mike, and Mustard were taking a bus from Nashville to Memphis. Somewhere along the way Mustard finds he needs to crap. He nudges Ike. "Hey man, what do I do, I really gotta crap." Ike replies, "Fuck if I know. Why don't you go in your sock?" Mustar...

I'll have an Italian BMT on Cheddar bread with everything but lettuce. A squirt of mayo and yellow mustard too please.

Oops. Wrong sub.

Blonde walks into a...

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

What do you call a Mustard Competition?

A Compe*Dijon*

What do you call a discount for mustard?

A poupon coupon

A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...

The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"

The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"

The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The...

You know which singer really cut the mustard?

Celine Dijon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

of cats and mustard

Three diplomats are discussing international politics while enjoying brunch in the crisp spring air.

"No more can Middle East be made peaceful", says the Russian diplomat, "than can cat be made to eat mustard."

"But a cat would certainly eat mustard." says the German diplomat. Spying a...

What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together?

it's must-up ..*rubs brow*

Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty...

..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?", Lindsay responds "No, mustard".

I feel like I've had this mustard before......

it must be Dijon Vu

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy

"I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

Blondes

A blonde pick ups her dress from the dry cleaners, when she leaves the Cashier says, "Come again!"
Blonde said, "Nah..It was mustard this time."

At a deli for lunch yesterday. . .

I had this strange feeling come over me that I had tasted the mustard before. I think that's dijon vu.

I'll have a club sandwich on rye.

Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three tomatoes are walking down the street

a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. baby tomato starts lagging behind. poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, "mustard!" No wait. Fuck, I forgot how it goes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner.

"Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.

"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.

"No, mustard," Monica replies

Heaviest Lunch

This is a really old story my grandfather told me years ago.

When he was in elementary school in his tiny rural town, they pretty much ate what they grew or killed. Well he was going on a couple weeks of having nothing to eat for lunch at school beside mustard greens and a biscuit. He got ti...

A fascist, liberal, and communist start arguing who’s got a better ideology

To settle their argument, they decide to see whose ideology can make a cat eat mustard.

Fascist takes a spoonful of mustard and forcefully shoves it down the cat’s throat.

Liberal puts mustard between two pieces of tasty meat and thus tricks the cat into eating it.

Communist sme...

A woman walks into the dry cleaners...

Clerk: Hello ma'am, what can we do for you?

Woman: I would like to drop off my coat.

Clerk: Ok, what would you like us to do with it?

Woman: I would like you to get the stain out of the collar area.

Clerk: Come again?

Woman: No, it's mustard this time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blind man walks into a restaurant and asks for a used spoon.

The restaurant owner finds it odd but obliges. The man takes a lick and thinks for awhile, and declared "Hmm, lobster linguine in tomato and habanero sauce! I think I'll have one of those!" The restaurant owner was incredulous as that was one of the restaurant's best dishes, and serves him one.
...

Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...

... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'

Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'

Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts ...

What's the best thing to give a dog with a fever?

Tomato sauce and mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!

Blonde Joke!

Blonde walks into a dry cleaner with her sweater and asks the clerk how much it would cost to get the stain out. The clerk didn’t hear her turns to her and says come again? The blonde giggles and says no it’s just mustard this time

Two alzheimer patients are sitting in a park...

so one goes "Man, I would really love to eat an ice". The other replies: "Me too. What kind of ice do you want? I´ll go and get us some".

"Great, I´ll take chocolate and you?"
"I´ll have some vanilla ice"
Then the other says: "It would be better if you would write it down for obvious re...

I was fired from my job in a restaurant kitchen for refusing to slice up one of the condiments with a knife...

I just didn't cut the mustard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

26 groaners

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still....

Apparently the Titanic had a lot of condiments on board

The ketchup and mustard werr carried off on the life rafts and people ate it while they were waiting for help. But one condiment was left behind... it was discovered slightly less than a month later at the bottom of the sea. Mexico suffered greatly from the loss and decided to commemorate the day ev...

Sandwich Shop

A man walks into a sandwich shop and begin to place his order, reading off the menu. "I'll have a 6-inch, white bread roll with mustard, mayo and...hey, what's this? 'Wildebeest?' Since when do you serve wildebeest here?"

"Oh, that's our latest addition" says the clerk. "Freshly imported from...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

There was a runner...

He was the fastest man in the world, and promised to all the chefs in the world that if they could bring him his favorite kind of hot dog while he was on his daily jog, then he would give them free running lessons.

Hundreds of chefs attempted to give him the best recipe after catching him, ye...

I can't keep a steady job!

I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn’t hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler fact...

A woman goes on a date.

It was wonderful! Though the next day, she noticed a stain on her dress. She didn't worry though, because she often went to a laundromat to get her clothes cleaned, and she had made friends with the staff there. Later, she went into the laundromat and said to the old clerk, "Hello Bob! Can you clean...

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaners

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaners, the guy is a little old and hard of hearing. Monica says "i need to get this dress cleaned, no starch, use the same hanger."
The dry cleaner responds "come again?"
Monica says "nope, this time it's mustard."

The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta

After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world.

After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the resid...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Another day at the White House

After returning from the White House after a forum on sex in the workplace, Monica Lewinsky takes her dress to the dry cleaner.

The dry cleaner has an ear infection and is having trouble hearing.

Monica says to the dry cleaner, I need my dress cleaned. The dry cleaner does not hear her...

Puns for the elevated mind...

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath ...

Why did the drill instructor squirt condiments on his trainees in the morning?

That's how he mustard the troops.

I don't think that's a drool stain.

A pretty young girl goes into a her local dry-cleaners with an evening dress under her arm. She shows the dress to the old man behind the counter and asks
"It's really not too dirty except for this one stain, can you take care of the stain for me, please?"
The old man is hard of hearing ...

No arms, no legs.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pothole? Phil.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a wall? Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that you lift? Jim.
...

A couple went out to eat ...

A couple went out to eat at a nice restaurant. The waiter came over to give them the specials of the night, "For our main courses, we have a nice roasted Salmon with a Cranberry-Mustard sauce or a tender Chicken fried steak." The lady replied that she'd have the salmon.

The waiter said, "Very...