UPJOKE
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Why was the teacher covered in mustard?

Because she was a sub

Why did the mustard lose the race between sauces?

Because it couldn't ketchup

Did you hear about the soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran.

Maybe I should have put more mustard on my cheeseburger

In Heinz sight, I should have added more ketchup

You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out

I guess that's mustard gas.

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Biden, Macron, and Putin make a bet who is going to successfully feed mustard to dog

Biden takes the mustard bottle, shoves it in dogs mouth, then squeezes. "That's animal cruelty!" the other two protest.

Macron takes a sausage, puts the mustard inside it, then give it to the dog. "That's cheating!" the other two protest.

Putin takes the mustard, then squeezes it all o...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hot dog. "Do you want ketchup and mustard on that?" the bartender asks. "Neither. I just want to relish it."

What does Winnie the Pooh put on his hot dogs?

Honey mustard

Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard

They misheard the words *serene dijon*

I was pretty sure I’d had this mustard before...

Must’ve been Dijon-Vu.

Doctor, I've got mustard in my eyes and I can't see a thing.

Doctor: any other symptoms?

Me: no, but I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before

Doctor: French mustard?

Me: yes, why?

Doctor: It's dijon view

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard

'Twas saucepicious

With all the attention on preparing unusual foods in the smoker (hikory smoked mustard, maple smoked ice cream, etc.) I thought up a great idea for a smoked breakfast cereal.

We'll call them "Mesquite O's" the cereal with a bite! They'll leave you itching for more!

Do you think we can stir up some buzz about it?

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

when I worked at Wendy's, the company insisted that whoever made the burgers must draw the mustard onto the bun as a "W"

but I would draw the mustard onto burgers as an "M" and no one ever found out.

Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?

He's now a seasoned veteran.






Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

Lawyers are like mustard gas

When used by the enemy, it's a vile, dirty, despicable trick.

When used by your side, it's perfectly justifiable.

A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...

The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"

The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"

The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The...

I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.

But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.

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Ike, Mike, and Mustard

It was the early 60s and three brothers, Ike, Mike, and Mustard were taking a bus from Nashville to Memphis. Somewhere along the way Mustard finds he needs to crap. He nudges Ike. "Hey man, what do I do, I really gotta crap." Ike replies, "Fuck if I know. Why don't you go in your sock?" Mustar...

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

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A German, a Russian and an American are trying to see who can teach a cat to eat mustard.

The German grabs the cat and showed the mustard down the cat's throat.
"That's abuse!" - Protest the Russian and the American.
Next, the American puts mustard and a hot dog and feeds it to the cat.
"That's deception!" - Protest the German and the Russian.
Finally, the Russian grabs the ...

What do you call a mix of ketchup and mustard?

The Spanish Inquisition

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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of cats and mustard

Three diplomats are discussing international politics while enjoying brunch in the crisp spring air.

"No more can Middle East be made peaceful", says the Russian diplomat, "than can cat be made to eat mustard."

"But a cat would certainly eat mustard." says the German diplomat. Spying a...

My grandad lost his job after the war as a coleman's mustard powder salesman.

His boss told him to mix it with other cheaper powders like flour and chalk but grandad was an honest man, and would only ever sell genuine 100% pure stuff.

His boss fired him as he plainly didn't cut the mustard

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With great enthusiasm and singing a song

Reagan visits the USSR and is amazed by the capital construction he has seen.

Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic."

Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singi...

What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together?

it's must-up ..*rubs brow*

What do you call a Mustard Competition?

A Compe*Dijon*

I feel like I've had this mustard before......

it must be Dijon Vu

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A joke my mother told me today

A British man comes to a village and is given saag^1 on bajra roti^2. He eats the saag by itself and returns the roti to his hosts, saying "Here is your plate."

1. Saag is a mushy dish made with boiled spinach or mustard greens

2. Bajra roti is a flat bread made from millet, it has no...

You know which singer really cut the mustard?

Celine Dijon

What do u give a dog that has high temperature?

Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog

Two elderly men sitting in park

Two elderly men sitting in park. Both are starting to have Alzheimer symptoms. They discuss as they usually do on Monday PMs.



One of them sees a food truck across the park and tells the other one: "I'd like an ice cream, chocolate almonds ice cream. Do you want me to get you one ?"...

It's always "let's catch up"

and never "let's mustard"

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?

He mustard up the courage.

Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner.

"Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.

"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.

"No, mustard," Monica replies

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

How did the hot dog get a date?

He mustard up the courage to ask.

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