I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

The Naked Hippie

This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.

A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."


The end

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?

The baabaa shop

​

(the other best joke from my son)

What does a Italian child use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesar's

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

Why did Cersei cut off The Hound's balls?

Because a Lannister always spays his pets.

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

How do you cut the ocean in half?

By using a seesaw.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.

Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.

What do cringe teenagers use to cut down trees?

A Saw Dude

My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime

It must have been something I said

The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.

Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

A blonde ordered a pizza. The clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

The blonde answered, "Oh! six. I could never eat twelve pieces."

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to get his wisdom teeth cut out

and the oral surgeon tells him he’s going to give him something for the pain. The man says I don’t need it the last time I felt pain was so intense I haven’t felt pain since. The oral surgeon takes this as a challenge and intentionally tries to hurt the man while he cuts his wisdom teeth out. When h...

What do you call a saw that cuts hotdogs

Sawsage

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, “Hey, do you see my ear down there?”

​

The guy on the street picks up an ear. “Is this it?”

​

“No,” replies the construction worker, “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

A man goes to get his haircut and the barber asks, “Should I cut the hair in back?”

The man replies, “What’s wrong with doing it right here in the chair?”

I wasn’t cut out for skydiving school

So I dropped out

What’s Cardi B’s favorite cut of meat?

Skirrrrrrrt

I cut myself shredding cheese.

But I have grater problems.

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

I watched a man get cut in half in a car accident today

By the time I got to him, he was delirious, clearly in his dying moments. He glanced to his left where his lower half was lying motionless, then up at me with a look somewhere in between anger and humor, and uttered his last words:

​

"I am beside myself right now!"

I told my friend that a girl keeps on sending me flowers with the heads cut off...

He told me I was being stalked.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches

She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"

"A fucking power cut" ....was apparently was the wrong answer!

I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.

Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.

What's the difference between a person who pulls out all of their hair, and someone who cuts it off instead?

One has a sore mane, and the other is more sane.

I am sorry

There was once a man who always bought the latest Iphones. He had been buying since the first Iphone. Every time he bought one, he would take it to a nearby bar and start banging it relentlessly on the corner of the table.

This occurred many times but no one ever questioned him, everyone at ...

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

After I fell down and cut my knee, a friend said I should use a sodium chloride solution to make it heal faster

It was really rubbing salt in the wound

I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.

A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.

“It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.”

“Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?”

“Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking,...

I went to the barber shop a few days ago to cut my hair...

I didn’t like my haircut first, but then it grew on me

What do you called ginger cut into cubes??

a Square Root.

​

... I'll see myself out

I dropped a knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to attach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor:I have some good news and I have some bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first.

Doctor: The bad news is that they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: What's the good news?

Doctor: The good news is t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

Just had a haircut and I don’t really like it...

But I think it will grow on me

When i got my gun license, first thing i did was cut off a bear’s front legs. No legal action was taken

Because i had the right to bear arms

We were driving down the road when a koala cut ahead of us and knocked into the car.

We sped up alongside of him and yelled out "Hey, you clipped us."

In case any of you were wondering how the guy who had his entire left side cut off is...

He's alright now.

What do you say to a man who's fallen ill from dehydration after their water supply was cut off?

Hope you get well soon.

What's a rappers favorite cut of meat?

A skrt steak

Whenever I try to confront my wife about blueballing me, she always cuts me off

I hate it that she never lets me finish

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

My doctor says I should cut back on sodium

...but I dunno, I take everything she says with a grain of salt.

I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.

The pharmacist winks at him, “OK, but do you realize they won’t be as effective?”
The old man says, “I’m 80 years old. I don’t want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

Why did the Jewish dad cut off his son's gaming budget?

Because his son had four skins already.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

It was so cold last night that I had to cut open my tauntaun to sleep.

Unfortunately that only got me luke warm.

Two knights where battling when one of them got both of their feet cut off

He was defeated

If you cut a minute steak...

...into 60 pieces then everyone can have seconds

If I was cut in half and thrown out of a plane, You could say...

I'm falling two pieces.

You never hear any mention of who cut the cord at Jesus' birth.

It must have been unbiblical.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate just cut himself while shaving...

bloody wanker!

Why was Cinderella cut from the basketball team?

She kept running from the ball...

The more you cut it, the less holes it has. What is it?

A net.

What cut of steak does a fire breather prefer?

Flaming yawn

If you're going to cut the ocean in half, how would you do it?

Get a sea saw.

I went to the gents barbers today and he asked me "Do you want your hair cut around the back?"

I said "Nah buddy, in here is fine."

I cut some hair off the front of my wife's head and took it to dinner

because I wanted to go out with a bang

A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second...

What would happen if an Ice Cream’s feet are cut off?

It would lack toes.

A man goes into a barbershop for a shave and a hair cut.

The man sits down and the barber lathers him up for his shave. The barber hands the man a little wooden ball and says “Put this in your cheek so it’s stretches the skin.” The man chuckles and asks “What happens if I swallow it?” To which the barber replies “Just bring it back tomorrow. At least that...

"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone

What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.

What’s the difference between babies and onions?

I cry when I cut up onions.

Why did the Rastafarian refuse to cut his hair for ten years?

He was dreading it.

I cut the prong off a fork and am wearing it on a necklace for luck.

As they say, third tine's the charm.

At first, I wasn't too happy the way my barber cut my hair, but honestly..

It's starting to grow on me

"Relax Peter, it's just a small cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous"

*... said the doctor.*

"Doctor, my name isn't Peter..."

"I know, I'm Peter."

“Son I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime”

Son: “Why was it something I said?”

Dad: “Yes.”

What did the inaugural ribbon for the new hotel say before being cut?

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort