How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

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A man goes to get his wisdom teeth cut out

and the oral surgeon tells him he’s going to give him something for the pain. The man says I don’t need it the last time I felt pain was so intense I haven’t felt pain since. The oral surgeon takes this as a challenge and intentionally tries to hurt the man while he cuts his wisdom teeth out. When h...

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

I wasn’t cut out for skydiving school

So I dropped out

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.

Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.

My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime

It must have been something I said

How do you cut the ocean if half

With a seesaw

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My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"

"A fucking power cut" ....was apparently was the wrong answer!

I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.

“It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.”

“Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?”

“Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking,...

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I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.

Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

I went to the barber shop a few days ago to cut my hair...

I didn’t like my haircut first, but then it grew on me

I dropped a knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to attach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor:I have some good news and I have some bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first.

Doctor: The bad news is that they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: What's the good news?

Doctor: The good news is t...

What do you called ginger cut into cubes??

a Square Root.

​

... I'll see myself out

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.

We were driving down the road when a koala cut ahead of us and knocked into the car.

We sped up alongside of him and yelled out "Hey, you clipped us."

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Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

After I fell down and cut my knee, a friend said I should use a sodium chloride solution to make it heal faster

It was really rubbing salt in the wound

In case any of you were wondering how the guy who had his entire left side cut off is...

He's alright now.

Whenever I try to confront my wife about blueballing me, she always cuts me off

I hate it that she never lets me finish

What's a rappers favorite cut of meat?

A skrt steak

Two knights where battling when one of them got both of their feet cut off

He was defeated

It was so cold last night that I had to cut open my tauntaun to sleep.

Unfortunately that only got me luke warm.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.

The pharmacist winks at him, “OK, but do you realize they won’t be as effective?”
The old man says, “I’m 80 years old. I don’t want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

My doctor says I should cut back on sodium

...but I dunno, I take everything she says with a grain of salt.

What do you say to a man who's fallen ill from dehydration after their water supply was cut off?

Hope you get well soon.

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

If I was cut in half and thrown out of a plane, You could say...

I'm falling two pieces.

I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate just cut himself while shaving...

bloody wanker!

If you cut a minute steak...

...into 60 pieces then everyone can have seconds

Why did the Jewish dad cut off his son's gaming budget?

Because his son had four skins already.

You never hear any mention of who cut the cord at Jesus' birth.

It must have been unbiblical.

If you're going to cut the ocean in half, how would you do it?

Get a sea saw.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

The more you cut it, the less holes it has. What is it?

A net.

How does a Mexican cut a pizza?

With *little* *caesars*

Why was Cinderella cut from the basketball team?

She kept running from the ball...

A guy walks into a bar and notices many cuts of beef suspended from the ceiling several feet above his head.

The guy orders a drink and asks the bartender about the meat.
The bartender replies, "It's a contest I run here. You get one try. If you can jump high enough to touch one of them, you get the money in the pot . If you miss, you have to put $500 in. You want to try?"
The guy thinks for a second...

What’s the difference between babies and onions?

I cry when I cut up onions.

What would happen if an Ice Cream’s feet are cut off?

It would lack toes.

Why did the Rastafarian refuse to cut his hair for ten years?

He was dreading it.

What cut of steak does a fire breather prefer?

Flaming yawn

"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone

What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.

I cut some hair off the front of my wife's head and took it to dinner

because I wanted to go out with a bang

A man goes into a barbershop for a shave and a hair cut.

The man sits down and the barber lathers him up for his shave. The barber hands the man a little wooden ball and says “Put this in your cheek so it’s stretches the skin.” The man chuckles and asks “What happens if I swallow it?” To which the barber replies “Just bring it back tomorrow. At least that...

How does a barber cut the moon’s hair?

E-clipse it!

I cut the prong off a fork and am wearing it on a necklace for luck.

As they say, third tine's the charm.

At first, I wasn't too happy the way my barber cut my hair, but honestly..

It's starting to grow on me

Sorry . . . but I had to cut the sheep from our nativity play

They didn't take to direction as well as I believed they would. Every single time they were on stage, they just kept chewing up the scenery.

I went to the gents barbers today and he asked me "Do you want your hair cut around the back?"

I said "Nah buddy, in here is fine."

My wife had a nasty accident and got cut in half...........

sadly l was left with the half that won't shut up

"Relax Peter, it's just a small cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous"

*... said the doctor.*

"Doctor, my name isn't Peter..."

"I know, I'm Peter."

What did the inaugural ribbon for the new hotel say before being cut?

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Army is undergoing budget cuts.

Cpt. Davis sitting in his tent, hears the roar of a helicopter and heads outside. Instead of a vehicle, however, there are three very confused soldiers sitting on top of a fourth soldier making helicopter noises with his mouth.

"The hell's going on here?" Davis yells

"Well, captain, af...

I very nearly cut myself with a razor this morning...

It was a close shave

“Son I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime”

Son: “Why was it something I said?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

Paper cuts are like German sausage

The wurst

I learned in Culinary School today the only way to cut Onions and not cry.....

You have to not become emotionally attached to the Onion.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses wai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A jewish man goes into a public restroom

He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?"

"Why yes, I am," he replied.

"Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily.

"A strange ques...

My hairdresser asked me how I wanted my hair cut

Me : Anything that will make me look good

Hairdresser : oh uhm. \**awkward silence*\* I can try

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

I cut my finger while cutting cheese

But I think I may have GRATER problems

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where does a Hasidic Jew get his hair cut?

The hair shalom

What did Wolverine use to cut down trees before he got the adamantium treatment?

He used a huge axe, man.

The guillotine is the most humane method of execution, and it’s centuries old.

It was really ahead of its time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guys! If i cut off my right butt cheek...

Would I be left behind?

What did the nurse tell her patient after he refused to let her mend a cut on his arm?

“Fine, suture self!”