A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”

The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.

I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.

It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

The only way to cut ancient Rome in half is

A pair of Caesars

A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

When I'm sad I cut myself

A slice of cake.

I threatened a cop and then he cut my electricity

It was a real abuse of power

My friends water got cut-off recently and he's starting to run out. I sent him a card.

"Get Well Soon"

There was a power cut in town today,

two blondes were stranded on a supermarket escalator for hours.

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.

I know, because I kept a log.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

What do you call a unicorn that had its horn cut off?

A eunuchorn!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caught my grandad cutting viagra tablets in half

I said “grandad, they won’t work if you cut them in half”
He said, “I’m 94 years old, your grandma was the only woman I ever slept with god rest her soul”
I asked “so why do you need half a viagra?”
He told me “I just need enough that I don’t piss on my slippers”

If you have to cut your own hair during this pandemic, do it on the porch.

The haircut will still look terrible, but cleanup is a breeze.

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.



Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wan...

Son: why did you cut that book in half?

The dad was like: “long story short”

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My girlfriend tried to cut off my penis but missed

She'll be charged with a missed da Weiner

My girlfriend has two version of the Kama Sutra, the original and the Director's Cut. One time I asked her what the difference was.

Apparently the author is Jewish

Alot of people cry when they cut onions

Trick is: Just try not to get too emotionally attached.

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

My friend seemed sad. He told me his wife cut him down to once a week

Apparently I was wrong. He didn't cheer up at all when I told him I know three guys she cut out altogether.

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around...

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

I like how my local pizza place cuts my pizza into 6 slices instead of 8

I can't finish 8 slices

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There was a redneck cutting his grass one day.

When he got to the edge of his property, he noticed a goat with his head stuck in the fence. Overcome with lust, he decided he would make love to the goat. After a couple minutes, his brother came looking for him and noticed him sexing this goat. He asked "can I have next?" The first man said y...

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A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

Obi-Wan cuts off so many limbs

he cuts off Darth Maul's legs

he cuts off Savage Opress' arm

he cuts off Grivous' hands

he cuts off many of Anakin's limbs

and so many random people in bars have lost their limbs to Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan is a menace.

Considering that he is now dead and exis...

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

I lost my job as a Shepard for never cutting the sheep's wool

I guess it was due to shear laziness.

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Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was...

My dad is a magician. His greatest trick is cutting people in half.

I have three brothers and a half.

The best way to die is too cut off the left side of your body

Because even though you will have nothing left, you will be all right

To cut costs even more certain airlines will now only serve snacks to passengers on the left side of the plane.

Their justification is the passengers sitting on the right side are already F-E-D.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

What do you get when you use the bathroom after cutting a jalapeño?

A red hot chili pecker.

Also: True Story.

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

A marker cut me the other day

It was sharpie

Why do bald people cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are people cutting bras in half to make face masks now

Some of them look like right tits.

"Give me the strongest shot you've got!"

A cowboy down on his luck rode into town one day and went to a bar. Feeling like he needed to drink his sorrows away. He signaled the bartender for service.

Bartender: "What can I get you, cowboy?"

Cowboy: "Give me a shot... Not too happy right now."

The bartender understood and...

A man was at an interview for a tree-cutting job...

And the interviewer asked if he had any past experience.

"Yes, I have a lot of experience," the man said, "I cut down all the trees in the Sahara Desert."

The interviewer replied, "But the Sahara Desert doesn't have any trees."

"Yes, not anymore."

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

In avengers endgame when Thor cuts off thanos' head with an axe some blood hits nebula.

I guess you could she's covered in axe body spray.

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

My patient insisted on stitching their cuts by himself

I said: suture yourself

I only cut my waffles into Messerschmitt-shapes

They are luftwaffles

A priest went to get his hair cut.

Afterwards, the barber refused payment, saying "I cannot take money from a man of the cloth." The priest was so moved that the next day he sent the barber a dozen roses.

A minister went to the same barber. Afterwards, the barber refused payment, saying "I cannot take money from a man of the ...

Did you know Adam cut his wife's ears off to celebrate the first year?

Adam: "Happy no ears, Eve!"

I cried whenever my dad cut onions

I miss Onions. He was my favourite brother

If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face....

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

Why did the lumberjack get fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

I was heartbroken when our tree died and had to be cut down.

I was mourning wood.

10 years ago to this day, I cut myself with a stick of RAM.

I guess you could say I have a pretty sharp memory.

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A guy goes to the doctor to complain that his voice is too squeaky

... he says ^^"Doctor, ^^I ^^have ^^a ^^very ^^squeaky ^^voice ^^and ^^my ^^wife ^^can't ^^stand ^^it"

The doctor responds: "Drop your pants"

The guy drops his pants and reveals a massive schlong.

The doctor says, "Aha! There's your problem! Your dick is so big that is pulling o...

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

"Son, you're just not cut out to be a mime"

"Was it something I said?"

"Yes"

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Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.


Sumo Bank has gone belly up.


Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.


Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.


There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they...

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

“That’s it, I’m cutting you off. You’re only getting water from now own,” the Bartender ordered.

Jesus rolled His eyes, “oh no,” He said sarcastically.

If you cut your left hand

Your right hand is left

A son and dad are waiting in a busy, popular barber shop. Dad says, “This place is a cookout...”

First there’s a barber queue, then you get a fresh, tasty cut.

A little known fact about me is I never cry when cutting onions

Just the rest of the time.

A Fox, a Rabbit and a Bear are about to be drafted into the military.

The Fox says “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?”
The Bear and the Rabbit agree.
The Fox, quickly thinking, suggests: “I’ll cut off my own tail. A Fox without a tail is useless, right?”
The Rabbit ...

Little Johnny strikes again.

So Johnny tells Mom.
“I was at the Playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Dadd...

It is in the news that Russia's "Sovereign Web" test will cut off the entire country from the web today.

Donald Trump said in a statement, "I hope that doesn't hurt my approval rating."

Say what you want about the graphics for Lara Croft's bosom in the original Tomb Raider

At the time, they were cutting edge.

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

I told my wife I was going to cut my hair after breaking the world record for hair length.

But it really grew on me.

I was just patiently waiting in the lunch line when..

..the depressed girl cut in front of me

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Some longy things are talking.

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking.

Cucumber goes: "man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in the salad"

Pickle goes: "Shit, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in vinegar an onions for a month!"

Penis goes: "Well, when I get big, fat and ...

In the distant past your limbs would simply be cut off if you got an infection

This was the med-evil period

Anyone ever heard of emo pizza?

It’s the kind that cuts itself.

I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down

mountain climbing with a friend is hard

What's half of 8?

00 if you cut horizontally and 33 if you cut vertically

The kidnappers are blackmailing my dad to hand over his stone-cutting business for my safe return.

I was really taken for granite.

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, own...

I used to cry when my dad cut onions

Onions was a good dog, I miss him dearly

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

What sort of machine is big as a house, consumes 20 gallons of fuel per hour, produces a whole lot of smoke and noise, can run for one hour for every ten hours of maintenance, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?

A soviet machine built to cut apples into 4 pieces.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

Damn politicians

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning t...

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One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.

The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

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With the recent cuts to benefits all claims are being investigated, anything suspicious the claiments are invited in to explain.

In Chigwell Essex Tracey had her claim for 13 children flagged as suspicious, she went to the DWP to explain.

Benefits Advisor *“Tracey, I find it hard to believe you have 13 boys all the same name, doesn't it get confusing?”*

Tracey, *“Nah, its well easy, if they're out and I want t...

How to make a baby

There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be...

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem..

He says- "Give me two shots.."
The bartender cuts him off says, "You only got one shot."

Who cuts Simba's hair?

His mane man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns are driving through the Irish countryside

It’s a nice Sunday afternoon, so they’re going pretty slow, just enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden a man comes running across the road screaming. So the nun driving slams on the breaks, and the man jumps on the windshield and starts shrieking at the top of his lungs.

One of the nuns...

Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

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