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My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

A hippy cut me off in traffic

I gave him the half peace sign

A crow got cut in half by a wind turbine.

ow

A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:

“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”

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I used to cut viagra with soap powder.

Just wanted to cum clean.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

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Some crazy asshole cut me off while driving to work this morning.

I damned near spilt my cereal all over the book I was reading!

What do you call cocaine cut with flour?

Diet Coke.

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

The Naked Hippie

This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.

A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."


The end

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

How do Mexicans cut their pizzas?

with little caesars

Jell-o has officially cut all ties with Bill Cosby.

They said the proof was in the pudding.

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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy’s cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my...

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A priest gets his hair cut.

He goes to pay the barber who refuses his money. "I cannot charge a man of the cloth." So the next day the grateful priest sends him a dozen roses.

A minister goes to the same barber. He gets his hair cut. He goes to pay the barber who refuses his money. "I cannot charge a man of the cloth."...

Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side of his body cut off?

Don't worry, he's alright now.

My barber cut my hair too short for my liking...

But it's slowly growing on me.

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

I girl once told me a story about her cut-off jeans.

She kept it short.

What did the guy who cut a tree in half by just looking at it say?

I saw it with my own two eyes

A barber asks his client, how do you want your hair cut?

The client replied 'in silence'.

If you cut down a confused tree,

Then is it stumped?

It sure is hard to cut the top off of a redwood tree

You can't take any short cuts!

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

Why did Cersei cut off The Hound's balls?

Because a Lannister always spays his pets.

As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.

Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars

- Do not be scared Mike...it is just a small cut with the scalpel...

- Excuse me doctor, my name is John.
- Oh yes, yes, I am Mike.

I got my cat to cut my grass today.

Such a good lawn meower

My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime

It must have been something I said

What does a Italian child use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesar's

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?

The baabaa shop



(the other best joke from my son)

I went into the hairdressers and people were getting their heads cut off with giant pruning scissors

It was shear barberism.

Would would happen if you cut yourself with a pencil?

You would draw blood

How do you cut the ocean in half?

By using a seesaw.

A blonde ordered a pizza. The clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

The blonde answered, "Oh! six. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.

Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

What's the difference between an onion and a baby.

An onion makes you cry when you cut into it.

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A man goes to get his wisdom teeth cut out

and the oral surgeon tells him he’s going to give him something for the pain. The man says I don’t need it the last time I felt pain was so intense I haven’t felt pain since. The oral surgeon takes this as a challenge and intentionally tries to hurt the man while he cuts his wisdom teeth out. When h...

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I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.

Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.

The rabbi arrived one minute before the start of the circumcision

That’s cutting it a little close

What do you call a saw that cuts hotdogs

Sawsage

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, “Hey, do you see my ear down there?”



The guy on the street picks up an ear. “Is this it?”



“No,” replies the construction worker, “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.

I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

I watched a man get cut in half in a car accident today

By the time I got to him, he was delirious, clearly in his dying moments. He glanced to his left where his lower half was lying motionless, then up at me with a look somewhere in between anger and humor, and uttered his last words:



"I am beside myself right now!"

I wasn’t cut out for skydiving school

So I dropped out

After I fell down and cut my knee, a friend said I should use a sodium chloride solution to make it heal faster

It was really rubbing salt in the wound

My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches

She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(

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My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"

"A fucking power cut" ....was apparently was the wrong answer!

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

What do you called ginger cut into cubes??

a Square Root.



... I'll see myself out

I am sorry

There was once a man who always bought the latest Iphones. He had been buying since the first Iphone. Every time he bought one, he would take it to a nearby bar and start banging it relentlessly on the corner of the table.

This occurred many times but no one ever questioned him, everyone at ...

I went to the barber shop a few days ago to cut my hair...

I didn’t like my haircut first, but then it grew on me

A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.

“It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.”

“Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?”

“Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking,...

Two knights where battling when one of them got both of their feet cut off

He was defeated

We were driving down the road when a koala cut ahead of us and knocked into the car.

We sped up alongside of him and yelled out "Hey, you clipped us."

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

Just had a haircut and I don’t really like it...

But I think it will grow on me

What do you say to a man who's fallen ill from dehydration after their water supply was cut off?

Hope you get well soon.

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One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

What's a rappers favorite cut of meat?

A skrt steak

Why did the Jewish dad cut off his son's gaming budget?

Because his son had four skins already.

My doctor says I should cut back on sodium

...but I dunno, I take everything she says with a grain of salt.

I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

Whenever I try to confront my wife about blueballing me, she always cuts me off

I hate it that she never lets me finish

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