This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

"Son, you're just not cut out to be a mime"

"Was it something I said?"

"Yes"

A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.

Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"





The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did you cut a hill billys dick off

Kick his sister in the jaw

I rang my wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger." "Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.

"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."

If you cut off your left arm…

Then your right arm will be left.

If a man goes into a forest and cuts down a tree and the tree cant figure out why he was cut down

Do you think the tree is stumped?

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery...

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night. So I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand... I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."
Never seen anyone run so fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman found her lover cheating and tried to cut off his penis, but missed and hit his thigh...

she was charged with a misdeweiner.

What do pigs put on their cuts?

Oinkment

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

One day in a factory accident, one of the workers gets all 10 of his fingers cut off.

They rush him to the emergency room.

Doctor: Don't worry, we can reattach your fingers. Where are they?
Worker: They're back at the factory.
Doctor: What!? Why didn't you bring them?
Worker: I couldn't pick them up!

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

I went to get my hair cut today

But there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!!

I cut myself on a piece of perforated paper.

It was tearable.

A guy at work was stuck in a machine, it cut his whole left side off.....

He's all right.

I cut myself pretty badly but I don’t have insurance

So I snitched on some gang members I know. I’m really hoping it works out.

A surgeon cut off the wrong leg at my hospital today!!!

The orthopedic surgeon at the local hospital I work at accidentally cut off the wrong leg of an infected diabetic patient. After he realized he cut off the wrong leg he couldn't leave the the other infected leg attached. So he had all of the administration and attorneys meet him in the operating ro...

A hippy cut me off in traffic

I gave him the half peace sign

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

Last night I went to a satanic-like ritual where we chanted around a flaming object, cut it up and ate it.

It was a fun birthday party.

A crow got cut in half by a wind turbine.

ow

A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:

“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”

The Naked Hippie

This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.

A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."


The end

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

What do you call a sleepy guy who cuts trees?

Slumberjack

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy’s cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some crazy asshole cut me off while driving to work this morning.

I damned near spilt my cereal all over the book I was reading!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

What do you call cocaine cut with flour?

Diet Coke.

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

Jell-o has officially cut all ties with Bill Cosby.

They said the proof was in the pudding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to cut viagra with soap powder.

Just wanted to cum clean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

General and a razor blade

General of a field army knows that his wife is cheating with one of his slodiers, but doesn't know with whom. One night he puts razor blade into his wife's vagina. The next day he calls out every soldier in his army and commands that everyone lower their pants. Almost every soldiers dick was in smal...

How do Mexicans cut their pizzas?

with little caesars

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest gets his hair cut.

He goes to pay the barber who refuses his money. "I cannot charge a man of the cloth." So the next day the grateful priest sends him a dozen roses.

A minister goes to the same barber. He gets his hair cut. He goes to pay the barber who refuses his money. "I cannot charge a man of the cloth."...

Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side of his body cut off?

Don't worry, he's alright now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.

Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

It sure is hard to cut the top off of a redwood tree

You can't take any short cuts!

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

A barber asks his client, how do you want your hair cut?

The client replied 'in silence'.

What did the guy who cut a tree in half by just looking at it say?

I saw it with my own two eyes

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...

I girl once told me a story about her cut-off jeans.

She kept it short.

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

If you cut down a confused tree,

Then is it stumped?

I wish my grass was emo.

Then it would cut itself.

Why did Cersei cut off The Hound's balls?

Because a Lannister always spays his pets.

My steel worker dad got his legs cut off once...

Oh the Iron Knee

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

I got my cat to cut my grass today.

Such a good lawn meower

- Do not be scared Mike...it is just a small cut with the scalpel...

- Excuse me doctor, my name is John.
- Oh yes, yes, I am Mike.

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?

The baabaa shop



(the other best joke from my son)

What does a Italian child use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesar's

How do you cut the ocean in half?

By using a seesaw.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.

Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to get his wisdom teeth cut out

and the oral surgeon tells him he’s going to give him something for the pain. The man says I don’t need it the last time I felt pain was so intense I haven’t felt pain since. The oral surgeon takes this as a challenge and intentionally tries to hurt the man while he cuts his wisdom teeth out. When h...

I went into the hairdressers and people were getting their heads cut off with giant pruning scissors

It was shear barberism.

Would would happen if you cut yourself with a pencil?

You would draw blood

The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.

Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.

I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.

A blonde ordered a pizza. The clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

The blonde answered, "Oh! six. I could never eat twelve pieces."

A banana was insulting lemon saying it has a miserable life because it gets cut, squeezed and then tossed away.

Lemon was furious and said it’d die by a sword with dignity than to face a humiliation of being stripped naked.

I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

I wasn’t cut out for skydiving school

So I dropped out

What's the difference between an onion and a baby.

An onion makes you cry when you cut into it.

I have finally cut down on smoking, I have one when I go to bed and one when I get up.

I have only been to bed 25 times today.

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, “Hey, do you see my ear down there?”



The guy on the street picks up an ear. “Is this it?”



“No,” replies the construction worker, “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

What do you call a saw that cuts hotdogs

Sawsage

A Man Goes to the Barber and the Barber Asks, "How Would You Like Your Hair Cut?

The man says, "In silence."

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

I watched a man get cut in half in a car accident today

By the time I got to him, he was delirious, clearly in his dying moments. He glanced to his left where his lower half was lying motionless, then up at me with a look somewhere in between anger and humor, and uttered his last words:



"I am beside myself right now!"

After I fell down and cut my knee, a friend said I should use a sodium chloride solution to make it heal faster

It was really rubbing salt in the wound

What do you called ginger cut into cubes??

a Square Root.



... I'll see myself out

The rabbi arrived one minute before the start of the circumcision

That’s cutting it a little close

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches

She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"

"A fucking power cut" ....was apparently was the wrong answer!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.