A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it.

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds,

"You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

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Wife just asked me to cut down on sexual innuendo

This is going to be hard, so very hard.

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

What do you call those guys who cut down trees?

Fellas

I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts

I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts

I might have left it too long before cutting the grass

I keep getting attacked by small animals, and my dog won't listen to me until I show him 5 badges

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

Why do rednecks cut their sleeves off?

They have the right to bare arms

When I'm sad I cut myself

A slice of cake.

“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime, son.”

Son: “Was it something I said?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mr. Johnson wanted to get rid of a redwood tree in his backyard, so he put an ad in the paper asking for a lumberjack to get rid of the tree. Many lumberjacks tried to cut down the tree, but they all failed.

One day, a very skinny man with a plastic spoon knocked on Mr. Johnson's door. "I would like to try to cut down your tree," he said.

"With just that plastic spoon?" gasped Mr. Johnson.

"Yes," said the skinny man. The two of them went to the backyard, and the skinny man tapped the redwo...

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

How do you cut Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly.

What did the monk say after he cut the trees around him?

It's time for deep clearing meditation

I've Gotten My Left Side Cut Off!

I'm allright now...

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

I cut down a tree by just staring at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income.

He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.

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Paulie Walnut's Pope joke from Sopranos S5E1: cut to punchline only due to length

The Pope is sick and none of the Vatican doctors can figure it out. They summon an old wise man from the hills. He examines the Pope and says he's got a terminal case of blue balls. The only cure is for him to have sex, and the Cardinals go nuts. Finally, the Pope agrees but gives four condition...

Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows

So yeah I guess I'm bisectual

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

For the first time in his professional career Tiger Woods failed to make the cut at the Arnold Palmer invitational

People are saying he just rolled over.

Walked into my barber's shop today and he said wow you really need a hair cut.

I said no I need them all cut.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?

Van Stay

What do Mexicans use to cut there pizza?

Little Caesars.

Went to the Salon at 5PM and asked for the Snyder Cut

Four hours later, it was Dark everywhere...

Why do cut-down trees have problems taking tests?

They always get stumped.

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

A man goes to the barber and the barber asks, 'how would you like your hair cut?'





The man replies : "In silence"

Yesterday was my first day on the job defusing bombs, and I had to cut some wires

Turns out, I’m colorblind

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

For Cake Day, here’s my favorite pun: Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off?

He’s all right now. Sadly, there’s nothing left of him.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

How Long?

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"...

Cutting carbs

You know, experts say that it’s healthy to cut carbs and they’re probably right.




I just don’t know whether I should cut them with a knife or a fork.

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

I didn't like my hair because the barber cut it too short.

But then it grew on me.

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says...

I will grind you and I will grill you.

A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself

She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.
Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:

When I'm sad I cut myself...

A piece of cake!



Happy cake day to me :)

My roommate said that if I tell another dad joke he's cutting off my internet...

Hi cutting off my internet, I'm d-

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in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

My hairs been getting long lately, my family keeps telling me to cut it, but I dont know...

Its kinda been growing on me

Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market?

It's said to be cutting edge technology

Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.


At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil ...

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that may have grater problems

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

Last night I was walking home and decided to take a short cut past the cemetery.

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were really scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand, I used to be freaked out too when I was alive." Never seen anyone run that fast!

I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.

It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes

My wife is being very mean to me, she's cut me down to twice a month....

I'm not complaining though, I know of a couple of guys she's cut off all together.

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A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

Do you guys know about the tree that was cut down for learning to speak?

She dialog.

I went on a date the other night. She took out the pickles from her burger and cut them in half.

For me, that's a dill breaker.

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What did Jimi Hendrix say after he accidentally cut the end of a jew's penis off?

"Excuse Me While I Bris This Guy"

Why didn’t the gardener cut his roses?

Because they used to be buds!

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

[Dumb] What do you call someone who cuts pizza with a machete?

Chasin Fourcheese

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof!

A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the ...

A forest was in the process of being cut down

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the forest on what they could do to save the forest.

The wise tree thought about it and said
perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away. The bears snarled and charged the...

Guys I designed my own knife

It uses cutting edge technology





(Also blue cheese)

What’s the oldest age someone can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

An ax murder is on a date with a girl, and he suggests a short cut through the woods to a special spot...

As they walk the sun starts to set.
The girl asks, “Are we almost there it’s getting dark?”
The ax murderer says they’re close and it’s just a little further up.

They keep walking and get deeper and deeper into the woods.
All of a sudden there is a howl in the distance!
The girl s...

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

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There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.   Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.   The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new E...

There was a power cut at the supermarket today....

2 blondes were stuck on the escalator for hours.

A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm...

He looks at his wife and says "that's the pig I've been telling you about"


For the wife to respond "Deer, that's a duck."


The farmer cuts back "I was talking to the duck."

The difference between a 21 year-old American and European

An American on their 21st birthday: Wow! I can finally drink!

A European on their 21st birthday: Wo-w-wow! I really ought to cut back on my drinking!

How about we cut the bread *before* we sell it?

Wow! that's the greatest idea since... uh since... idk.

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Two kids are watching their parents get ready for a family get together…

They overhear the mom and dad talking and they hear them say “that judgy cunt and pompous asshole” while the parents are talking in their bedroom. They ask, what does judgy cunt and pompous asshole mean? The mom, surprised and unaware to their presence, says, “oh never mind that sweethearts, that’s ...

I have been terrified of something being under my bed since I was a child.

So recently I decided to go see a psychiatrist, hoping that there might be a cure. I told the psychiatrist that I have had this horrible fear of something terrible being under my bed, and even now as an adult, I find a can't sleep and am in a constant state of anxiety when I'm in the bed. He said "I...

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A pirate walks into a bar...

And takes a seat beside three medical students.

The students notice that the pirate has a hook in place of right hand, a wooden peg in place of his left leg and an eye patch over his right eye.

Curious they edge closer to the pirate, order some rum for him and ask him a few questions...

How you make glowworm happy?

You cut of its tail and its delighted.

A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...

...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.

Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the gam...

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A man is driving home one night while very aroused

As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, “Pumpkins are soft and squishy and there’s no one around for miles.

He pulls over and pulls out a juicy pumpkin, cuts the appropriate hole in it and begins to slake his erotic desires. Soon he’s really into it and doesn’t notice the pol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cut below...

My friend was telling me that he was thinking of having a vasectomy. But it was a little different. He said that the Dr. would actually install a small "micro" valve in the vas that carried the sperm. That way you could turn it off/on. I thought it was a great idea...I asked him if they used a ball ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

Two Inuits are whale hunting

They have been out all day in their little boat. The wind starts to whip up and it's getting very cold. Their whale-skin coats aren't even cutting the chill. With each blast the cold eats at them. All of a sudden one of them jumps up and starts building a fire in the middle of the boat. He strips al...

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Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning…

and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!"

Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats."

Oh...

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Since I haven't cut my hair since the lockdowns, I told my wife, "My hair is longer than my johnson."

She said, "that's not saying much."

What happens when you don't cut corners in your business?

You end up with squares

I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.

What are the odds?

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.

Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.

What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

If you cry when you cut an onion, here’s a tip:

Don’t get emotionally attached

A priest goes to the barber and has his hair cut.

He wants to pay but the barber says it is free of charge for a man of faith. The next morning the barber finds 5 silver coins in front of his door.

A buddhist goes to the barber and has his head shaved. He wants to pay but the barber says it is free of charge for a man of faith. The next mor...

the police officer said to joe, " we have found your wife cut into pieces, the arms, the legs and the torso, We are sorry for your loss."





"so no head?" joe replied

An Arab guy walks into a bra store

owned by a Jewish guy on a Sunday afternoon. The Arab guy finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure I'll buy 100." T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the hardware store and tells the clerk he needs to cut down some trees.

The clerk sells him a chain saw. About three hours later the man returns, covered in sweat.

He tells the clerk, "This didn't work at all. It took me two hours to cut down one medium size tree"

The clerk takes the saw and says ,"Let's see what is wrong with it", then starts up the saw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Curious Child

It's the night before Thanksgiving and a mom and dad are fighting in the living room. The child comes in, curious about all the yelling.

**"You're an Asshole!"** yells the mom.

**"Mom, whats an asshole?"** asks the child.

**"Men are."** answers the mom.

**"Well, you'...

A long haired 16 year-old with a rich grandmother is trying to get her to buy him a car, but she says she will only do it if he cuts his hair

Not wanting to lose his long hair, the teenager argues with her over the course of days. "Grandma, all the other kids have a car!" She replies "I don't care, cut your hair and you can have one too." This argument is repeated multiple times a day, with him also making other arguments. Grandma doesn't...

How do you know that steaks are only cut from male cows?

Because a steak cut from a female cow would be a miss steak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman tries to cut off Lover's penis (NSFW)

But misses and cuts his thigh.....charged with a misdaweiner.

I couldn’t believe it when I looked out my window and saw my seeing-impaired neighbour cutting his lawn.

It was blind-mowing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

I wish my pubic hair was emo...

...so that it would cut itself.

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I love you!

Porn Director: CUT CUT CUT!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

Went into the barbers, I said “I want you to cut my hair like David Beckhams”.

He cut my hair and I looked in the mirror!

“David Beckham doesn't have his hair cut like that!!??”

Barber says; “He does if he comes in here!!!”

Last night I was about to take a short cut through the graveyard when two young ladies stopped me.

"Can we walk with you?" said one of them. "Please?"

"Sure," I said, and off we went.

"It really freaks us out walking through the graveyard after dark," explained the other.

"No problem," I said. "...It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

What’s the worst place to say “I like ya cut g?”

A leukemia treatment center.

One day a man working at a lumber mill had his finger cut off.

When he got home after work and told his wife she asked, "The whole finger?" He replied, "No, the one next to it."

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