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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

How do you cut the ocean in half?

A SEA-SAW

Why do bald people cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

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My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

Did you hear about the guy that had his entire left side cut off

Don’t worry, he’s all right now

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

I cried whenever my dad cut onions

I miss Onions. He was my favourite brother

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PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that

**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.

**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.

**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

I told my hairdresser I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise...

...so they gave me 2 cushions to sit on.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

This really annoying, loud, and flashy vehicle was trying to speed by me today so I cut it off and flipped off the driver.

I hate ambulances.

The kidnappers are blackmailing my dad to hand over his stone-cutting business for my safe return.

I was really taken for granite.

"Son, you're just not cut out to be a mime"

"Was it something I said?"

"Yes"

My wife's threatened to cut me off.

I just wonder how she found out where I'm getting it from...

Did you hear about the man who cut the left side of his body?

He thought he's going to be all right, but due to the nature of our bodies, he quickly got drained of blood and died an awful death.

A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.

Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"





The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"

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When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

I love bacon sandwiches cut into little triangles...

Strip clubs are awesome!

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

What happens if you cut all food supplies to Hungary?

Massive riots and civil unrest ensues followed by an economic collapse and millions of deaths.

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...

My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord.

It seems he had really grown attached to it.

I used to cry when my dad cut onions

Onions was a good dog, I miss him dearly

Who cuts Simba's hair?

His mane man.

I feel like we should all cut the guy who invented autocorrect some slack.

I'm sure he moans we'll

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So my doctor just cut my butt in half. I guess he...

Half-ASSED it.

I was eating a cheese sandwich yesterday and cut my mouth.

That's what I get for eating sharp cheddar.


\-An old joke from my grandmother

How does a Mexican cut his pizza?

With little ceasers.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

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What do you get when you cut a poop into three pieces?

Turds

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A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

A guy at work cut his thumb off...

My boss was telling me the story and said:

"Yeah I just walked up and he was just sitting calmly outside the shop, I don't know what he was doing outside the shop..."

Me: "Well he sure as hell wasn't hitchhiking"

Did you hear about the anemic guy that cut all the grass on earth in a square pattern?

He mow globe in cells

After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said, “Suture self.”

Donald wanders in to the hardware store and tells the salesman he’s got a lot of firewood to cut and what could he buy to do the job.

The salesman shows Donald the best chainsaw he’s got and tells him he should be able to cut at least 500 cubic ft of wood an hour with it. Donald says great and takes the chainsaw home with him.

The next day Donald brings back the chainsaw and says he was only able to cut 2 hundred cubic ft...

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. Initially, when it started getting a bit long, it was irritating and I doubted whether it was worth the effort. But lately it's not been so much of a hassle anymore. Maybe long hair isn't so bad after all...

Seems like it's growing on me.

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Diamonds are the only thing in the natural world that can cut themselves...

I think someone should book them a therapist.

What do say when an older BMW cuts you off?

Ok Beemer

What do you call it when an environmentalist cuts down an endangered tree?

Treeson.

I cut myself while I was shaving this morning.

Just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean I’m not still ambidextrous.

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died

But now he’s lawn gone

What do you call a a tree after you've cut off the limbs?

An amputree

How do lumberjacks keep track of all the trees they cut down?

With a logbook.

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(NSFW) What do you call it when someone cuts off their penis and sticks it to their forehead?

A eunuch-horn.

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You know lorena bobbitt the lady who cut her husbands penis off??

She was in a bad wreck last week and died.

Some dick cut her off

I discovered a new way to cut rocks and concrete super fast and effortless

It was a ground breaking discovery.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

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How did you cut a hill billys dick off

Kick his sister in the jaw

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

The police finally caught the guy who cut off my arm.

People say he's evil, but I think he just needed a shoulder to cry on.

Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery...

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night. So I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand... I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."
Never seen anyone run so fast.

If you cut off your left arm…

Then your right arm will be left.

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

I rang my wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger." "Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.

"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."

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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

I was on board with Trump for the groping, the concentration camps, Kim Jong-Un, the trade war, the millionaire tax cut...

But he really needs to watch his language

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

You should never cut off an addicts supply line, they will lash out in anger and do everything in their power to stop you.

This is why I avoid talking about abortions with my Priest.

On a crisp Fall morning a farmer went out to cut firewood for the winter.

He cut, split and stacked for six hours and then, just as he was getting done for the day, he saw an elderly Indian by the fence. He went to say hello and the Indian said "How. You have-um smoke?", so the farmer handed over his tobacco pouch and the Indian helped himself to a pipeful, lit up, inhale...

If a man goes into a forest and cuts down a tree and the tree cant figure out why he was cut down

Do you think the tree is stumped?

“Yes, I admit it, I wore blackface a few times. But cut me some slack.”

“I was going through a dark period in my life”

I can cut wood in half just by looking at it

I saw it with my own eyes

Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.

This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.

The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens ...

What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”

The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”

Magician: I will now cut this man's wife into 2 pieces

Sam: What kind of magic is this; turning one problem into two?

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

What do pigs put on their cuts?

Oinkment

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

I cut myself on a piece of perforated paper.

It was tearable.

One day in a factory accident, one of the workers gets all 10 of his fingers cut off.

They rush him to the emergency room.

Doctor: Don't worry, we can reattach your fingers. Where are they?
Worker: They're back at the factory.
Doctor: What!? Why didn't you bring them?
Worker: I couldn't pick them up!

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

I went to get my hair cut today

But there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!!

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually

Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows

Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the ...

A surgeon cut off the wrong leg at my hospital today!!!

The orthopedic surgeon at the local hospital I work at accidentally cut off the wrong leg of an infected diabetic patient. After he realized he cut off the wrong leg he couldn't leave the the other infected leg attached. So he had all of the administration and attorneys meet him in the operating ro...

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

Did you see that guy on the freeway cutting off everyone but big rigs?

He was semi courteous.

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

A hippy cut me off in traffic

I gave him the half peace sign

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

I just ordered a pizza and was asked if I wanted it cut into 8 slices or 12.

I said 8 please, I couldn't possibly eat 12.

A crow got cut in half by a wind turbine.

ow

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

A man walks into a Subway...

Every Friday, the man goes to Subway to purchase the "sub of the week", each comprised of several ingredients never before heard of.

However, he walks in the Subway and quickly finds that the sub, oddly named Arjoques, is completely identical to a sandwich he had purchased at Jimmy John's onl...

I hate cutting up peaches.

It's the pits.

A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:

“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”

Last night I went to a satanic-like ritual where we chanted around a flaming object, cut it up and ate it.

It was a fun birthday party.

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

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I used to cut viagra with soap powder.

Just wanted to cum clean.

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told he...

A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation

to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?" The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the dr...

As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.

Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.

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Some crazy asshole cut me off while driving to work this morning.

I damned near spilt my cereal all over the book I was reading!

Bill's new car

Bill decides after saving for a few years to finally buy a new red Lamborghini. He's so excited about it that he decides to go out and try it out on the highway.

As he's zooming down the highway, he sees a trucker up ahead slowing traffic, and decides to show off his new car by cutting the tr...

So i was at the barbershop the other day.

While i was being cut an old man came in.

"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."

"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small w...

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