The 98+ Best Cut Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."

"Was it something I said?" Asks the son.

"Yes."

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

As companies continue to cut ties with Kanye West...

Compass maker INMARK has also decided to drop West from their product line, leaving users lost and confused.

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Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

How does a Mexican cut a pizza?

With *little* *caesars*

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat?

Chuck roast.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

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[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

My mom would wake up early just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch….

She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.

What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

My friend had a butler who had his left arm cut off.

Serves him right.

Post Malone lost 60 lbs by cutting out pop.

I wonder what kind of music he'll make now.

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their hands through their hair.

Where do you put toxic celebrities that just can't cut it anymore?

Haz-bins.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.

I cried when dad cut up onions

Onions was a good dog

When I make a pizza for a bar customer I always ask them if I should cut it into six pieces or eight

Because some people aren't hungry enough to eat eight pieces. That joke isn't very funny. I guess pizza jokes are all about the delivery.

Did you hear about the swordfight where one guy was stabbed through the heart while the other had their legs cut off near the ankles?

They were both defeeted

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane...

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too

Today is my cake day

Why didn't King Solomon follow through with his decree to cut the baby in half?

Because he didn't like to split heirs.

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher.

She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever...

Me, after accidentally cutting my hand open with a saw: Can you call me an ambulance?

Son: You’re an ambulance

Me: haha

Son: haha

Me: Ok I’m losing a fair bit of blood here, bud

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When I was younger, I used to shave my privates with a cut throat razor.

I don’t have the balls to do it anymore

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

Most knights are a cut above...

But Sir Cumcision is a cut below.

What would happen if you cut Chewbacca off in traffic?

He Wookiee your car!

I cut my phone bill in half!

It only took a moment and I wasn't going to pay it anyway.

A man cuts off two fingers on one hand in a work accident

“Will I still be able to write with it?” He asks the doctor.

The doctor says, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it”

How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

What does a Lemon do after getting a knife cut?

Lemon-aid

Did you hear about the guy cutting limbs off of fugitives??

He's been accused arboring criminals...

How do you get Donald Trump to cut down a tree?

Tell him it's one of the pillars of our democracy.

An Apple Factory in China is expected to cut production of iPhones by 18% in response to ongoing worker protests.

The workers' main demand is "more playtime".

The power cut in my building was fixed immediately by the electrician

I couldn't hold a candle to his efficiency

I patented a design that would till the earth as it cut the grass

But no one wanted to buy my Hoe-Mow

What is negatively charged and will make you cry if you cut it in half?

An anion.

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Why’d the red neck decide not get his hair cut?

Because he had to mull it over.

Paddy and Mick take a short cut home across a farmers field

Paddy: "Ahhh, Mick look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"

Mick says: "Herd of Cows, Paddy... Herd of Cows"

Mildly infuriated, Paddy replies:

"Of course I've heard of Cows, Mick: there's a bloody flock of them in the next field!!"

What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?

Van Stay

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

The doctor told my Italian grandma that she needed to cut down on the pasta or else she'd die within ten years

So, she shot the guy and the judge gave her 20.

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

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NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

What do you call the Dr. Scholls conveyor belt used for cutting materials to various foot sizes?

*insert punchline*

My pothead uncle accidentally cut himself yesterday while disposing of his old drinkware

It just goes to show you that people who live in stoned houses shouldn't throw glasses

Did you hear about the axe that could cut trees instantly ?

It’s cutting hedge technology

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Why did the priest start cutting into his kitchen towel?

He needed it to be holey.

I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!

a father told his two sons to cut some fire wood

A father told his two sons two cut some fire wood after they were done cutting the father told the youngest to go up the hill and ask the indian chief how cold the winter is gonna be, once the boy got there he said to the chief 'Chief how cold is the winter gonna be?' the chief turned to the boy and...

My Wife is always cutting herself shaving...

I guess her mum didn't razor right

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Did you hear about the werewolf who cut out butt meat to try to eat healthier?

It's called a glute-free diet

Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars?

“Shuriken.”

(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like)

A balding, middle-aged man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair — there’s so little of it?”

“Well, “said the barber, “I actually only charge a little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it.”

I finally cut ties with a so-called friend that was just dragging me down

Mountain climbing with a friend is hard."

A tree is cut down...

When the lead detective arrives, he asks the tree, "do you have any idea who did this to you?"

The tree replied, "I have no idea. I'm stumped."

What's the easiest way to cut a diamond's value in half?

Buy it.

I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.

Where does a tree surgeon go before cutting down a tree?

Triage

Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut...

The king replied "In silence."

Credit goes to the Greeks, Hierocles and Philagrius.

My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake...

...but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

When I'm sad I cut myself

A slice of cake.

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Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

A new study shown that 1l of beer cuts life for 5 hours

By my calculations, i died in 1872

A woman slams her canoe into another guys canoe, who cut her up.

It was an obvious case of rowed rage.

Why did the Anti Vaxxer get cut from the basketball team?

He refused to take the shot

I used to have a job cutting holes to make trapdoors for theatres.

It was just a stage I was going through.

A friend of mine cut off the tip of ants feet and attached stilts to their legs.

Now he has lack toes and taller ants...

I just changed my name and cut my hair!

I am no longer Harry

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

I'm not fully vegetarian, I'm just cutting down on meat to mitigate negative outcomes.

It's called "ham reduction"

Justin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Justin to pull over.

When Justin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Justin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to Justin's car and cut up its leather seats.

When he turned aroun...

I got cutted from the team today

the English team.

A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

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