Cut Jokes - 97 Hilarious Cut Jokes

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

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A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

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I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

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I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

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"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."

"Was it something I said?" Asks the son.

"Yes."

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

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How does a Mexican cut a pizza?

With *little* *caesars*

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

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Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

As companies continue to cut ties with Kanye West...

Compass maker INMARK has also decided to drop West from their product line, leaving users lost and confused.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

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What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat?

Chuck roast.

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How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

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How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it.

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Did you hear about the guy who was cut in half?

At first, I thought he had left us for good, but he's all right now.

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I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

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What do you call 5 fish cut in half?

Tuna half.

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So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

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Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their hands through their hair.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

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Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

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Post Malone lost 60 lbs by cutting out pop.

I wonder what kind of music he'll make now.

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I cried when dad cut up onions

Onions was a good dog

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Most knights are a cut above...

But Sir Cumcision is a cut below.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

My friend had a butler who had his left arm cut off.

Serves him right.

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My mom would wake up early just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch….

She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.

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Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.

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Where do you put toxic celebrities that just can't cut it anymore?

Haz-bins.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

Which citrus fruit can actually cut itself?

A lemon, because inside it’s a little emo.

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I cut my phone bill in half!

It only took a moment and I wasn't going to pay it anyway.

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I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too

Today is my cake day

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How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

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My Wife is always cutting herself shaving...

I guess her mum didn't razor right

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How do you get Donald Trump to cut down a tree?

Tell him it's one of the pillars of our democracy.

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What does a Lemon do after getting a knife cut?

Lemon-aid

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A tree is cut down...

When the lead detective arrives, he asks the tree, "do you have any idea who did this to you?"

The tree replied, "I have no idea. I'm stumped."

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Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

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What was Luke Skywalker called after Darth Vader cut off his hand?

Hand Solo

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When I'm sad I cut myself

A slice of cake.

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What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?

Van Stay

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Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was younger, I used to shave my privates with a cut throat razor.

I don’t have the balls to do it anymore

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher.

She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever...

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I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

Did you hear about the guy cutting limbs off of fugitives??

He's been accused arboring criminals...

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A man cuts off two fingers on one hand in a work accident

“Will I still be able to write with it?” He asks the doctor.

The doctor says, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it”

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Why didn't King Solomon follow through with his decree to cut the baby in half?

Because he didn't like to split heirs.

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Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

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Why’d the red neck decide not get his hair cut?

Because he had to mull it over.

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The power cut in my building was fixed immediately by the electrician

I couldn't hold a candle to his efficiency

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Paddy and Mick take a short cut home across a farmers field

Paddy: "Ahhh, Mick look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"

Mick says: "Herd of Cows, Paddy... Herd of Cows"

Mildly infuriated, Paddy replies:

"Of course I've heard of Cows, Mick: there's a bloody flock of them in the next field!!"

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Me, after accidentally cutting my hand open with a saw: Can you call me an ambulance?

Son: You’re an ambulance

Me: haha

Son: haha

Me: Ok I’m losing a fair bit of blood here, bud

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Why do rednecks cut their sleeves off?

They have the right to bare arms

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This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

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So I got cut off at this really fancy bar the other day

The Bartender kept telling me “Dude! This is communion. You can’t be acting like that here”

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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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a father told his two sons to cut some fire wood

A father told his two sons two cut some fire wood after they were done cutting the father told the youngest to go up the hill and ask the indian chief how cold the winter is gonna be, once the boy got there he said to the chief 'Chief how cold is the winter gonna be?' the chief turned to the boy and...

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Did you hear about the axe that could cut trees instantly ?

It’s cutting hedge technology

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cut above the rest

Once upon a time a powerful emperor of the rising sun advertised for a new chief samurai. Three men applied, A Japanese samurai, A Chinese swordsman And a Jewish samurai. The three met with the emperor to see who would get the job. "Japanese Samurai Show me your skill", the Japanese samurai stepped ...

I patented a design that would till the earth as it cut the grass

But no one wanted to buy my Hoe-Mow

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cut below...

My friend was telling me that he was thinking of having a vasectomy. But it was a little different. He said that the Dr. would actually install a small "micro" valve in the vas that carried the sperm. That way you could turn it off/on. I thought it was a great idea...I asked him if they used a ball ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God: Creates humans as they were meant to be.

Also god: New rules! I need you all to cut the extra skin off your penis.

My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake...

...but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

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"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

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What's the easiest way to cut a diamond's value in half?

Buy it.

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I thought about transitioning into a woman

Im not sure i can afford a pay cut at work though

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What is negatively charged and will make you cry if you cut it in half?

An anion.

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Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

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When I make a pizza for a bar customer I always ask them if I should cut it into six pieces or eight

Because some people aren't hungry enough to eat eight pieces. That joke isn't very funny. I guess pizza jokes are all about the delivery.

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I just changed my name and cut my hair!

I am no longer Harry

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"Cut a Man in Half" Trick

I was strolling down a street, suddenly came to a stop to see a street performer getting ready to do the "cut a man in half" act. The performer starts cutting then separates the coffin. In amazement I asked," Wow that's insane how did you do that?" He said," A Mortician never reveals his secrets."

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Where does a tree surgeon go before cutting down a tree?

Triage

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Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut...

The king replied "In silence."

Credit goes to the Greeks, Hierocles and Philagrius.

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A dad told his 15 year old son that he would buy him a car…

…in 6 months on his 16th birthday if he (the son) got a job, made all “A’s” in school, started going to church every week and cut his hair. The son agreed to do all four things.

Six months go by and the dad told his son, “Son, you got a job, you are going to church every Sunday and are making...

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Phil Mickelson just missed the cut at the U.S. Open

He must be LIV-id

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Don't cut off the skin, it's the best part!

Said the priest to the rabbi.

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A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

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My First Time, so cut me some slack

What do you call a Sloppy Joe with Mystery Meat?

Sloppy John Doe!

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Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

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I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

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Why did the Anti Vaxxer get cut from the basketball team?

He refused to take the shot

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Took a short cut through the cemetery last week

I saw four pall bearers with a coffin on their shoulder walking along a row of headstones. Didn't take much notice and carried on. An hour later on my way back I took the short cut again and they were still there, walking up and down.

I thought to myself, those men have lost the plot.

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How do you cut Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly.

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I used to cut and burn myself.

Then I took culinary classes.

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