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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the groun...

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A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button

He had to pay in order to use additional features

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

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Last time I was at my doctor's office he told me I needed to have a prostate exam.

So I dropped my pants, and bent over the table. Then he stuck his finger up my ass and twirled it around bit. It was definitely awkward & uncomfortable.

Worst dentist I've ever had.

An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”

Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “No, SIR!”

My doctor said I needed to get off /r/jokes

"Why is it bad for my health or vision?"

"No it's because your jokes have no good punchlines"

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Last night I was drunk and told myself I needed to stop drinking. I went into the fridge the next day and grabbed a beer

Cause I'm not going to listen to a fucking drunk talking to themselves.

Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you.”

Paul, her husband, replied “Priscilla?"

“I’m kidding. I was just making sure that you read my message.”

Paul took a moment, then repl...

I got lost in the rainforest and I needed supplies

So I ordered from Amazon!

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

I needed a password eight characters long.

I went with *SnowWhiteAndTheSevenDwarves*

Ever since I've needed to use a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude.

She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

I was told that I needed to read the room

So I am now a librarian.

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"

G...

3 Docs needed…

A Doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We have already opened an 18 year old RAR...

My wife told me last week that I needed to exercise more and do lunges.

But that’s a huge step forward.

i felt like i needed a drink so i walked into a bar

the bartender asked me what kind of drink i wanted

i said: "surprise me"

so he showed me a naked picture of my wife

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat.

It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

My Mother lived to be 98 years old, and SHE never needed glasses..

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

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A church needed a new bell ringer

A church needed a new bell ringer, so the priest placed a want ad in the local paper. Soon, a man showed up to apply for the job.

The priest, on seeing that the man had no arms, said, "My son, I'm afraid there is no way for you to do this job."

"Father, I really need this job, and I'm...

A middle schooler was told he needed a jockstrap and cup...

...for flag football.

He had some allowance saved so decided to go to the sporting goods store to purchase the necessary items.

He really had no idea what he was supposed to buy so he asked the lady at the counter for assistance.

"She says, "So you need a jockstrap and a ...

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

I just got a notification saying that I needed to update my phone.

So I told it that I recently lost my job and I've started seeing a new lady.

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dol...

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

My uncle needed a pet that could tell time

So he bought a watch dog

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ...

... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument.

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

Yo mama so stupid, her password requirement needed to be 8 characters long so she typed in

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

New job needed

Went to work today at the bank and immediately got called up to h.r. department. H.r. admin asked why I'm at work and naked. I explained that my gf came in to the room this morning without any clothes on and told me to get naked and get to work.

Anyone hiring?

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

Elon Musk and his girlfriend have broken up.

Told her he needed some space.

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

Job interviewer: So, how do you wish to explain this four year gap on your resume?

Interviewee: That is because I went to Yale

Job interviewer: Oh, that is impressive! You are hired!

Interviewee: Thanks! I really needed this Yob

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Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

I saw a crippled man in a wheelchair at a gas station once.

He bought a couple of scratch off lottery tickets, scratched the surface with his coin, and shouted with glee, “I won ten thousand dollars!”. Well I was broke, and I needed gas money to get to my shift at work. I asked the crippled man, “excuse me sir? Is there any possible way I could have ten doll...

A drummer needed a car, but only had $200

A drummer desperately needed a car, any car, to get to work, but he only had $200. He called his friend who owned a used car lot and explained the situation.

“You’re in luck,” the friend told the drummer. “I’ve got a brand new Jaguar. Runs great. Looks great. For you, only $200. One small pr...

A CEO needed Wi-Fi...

The CEO walks in on the 134th floor and quickly asked: “Does anyone have the Wi-Fi password?”

One of the employees say “Yes.”

Then the CEO then says, “Never mind, I’ve just connected to a plane’s wi-fi.”

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The Man Who Needed Help.

So, a man walks into a Physiatrist office, he is wearing no clothing, but he is wrapped from head to toe in Saran wrap...

He asks the Shrink if in his profession opinion the man is okay.

The Physiatrist say; "Well I can clearly see your nuts!".

The man in Cling wrap turns aroun...

I was in the hospital for kidney issues and the urologist told me I needed a cystoscopy. I asked him what the hell that was.

"We are going to YouTube your Peetube."

How many capitalists are needed to change a lightbulb?

None. Capitalists are not _needed_ for anything. They just tagged along to ask for lighting subsidies

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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There was a guy leaving Las Vegas and needed a taxi ride to the airport..

There was a line of taxis outside the casino, waiting for customers. Unfortunately for the man he lost all of his money gambling. He approached the first taxi, he asked the fella for a ride and promised him to pay him $5,000 the next time he visited Vegas (since he usually wins big when he is there)...

My friend needed help with a crossword

He asked me what is four across and i said postman, how many letters? He asks.

I tell him Thousands

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The voodoo dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

What is Banana short for?

Barack O'Nana


I said this joke in a dream and it's awful but I needed to get it out of my head

My favourite part is that it doesn't even work if you read it in a north American accent lmao

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3 men appear at the heavens gate. Next to them an angel appears and starts asking them how they got there

The first one starts telling: “I came home early from a day of work. When I suddenly hear my wife scream upstairs. I rush upstairs and see her laying in bed very frightened.I was going to confront her later but first I needed to catch the bastard. I also see the window open and rush to it only to se...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

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A rabbit needed a ladder to get on the roof of its house. He knew the bear had a ladder, so

he decided to go borrow a ladder. The trouble was, the bear wasn't always the nicest animal in the forest. *"Doesn't matter,"* the rabbit said to himself, *"I'll head on over and if it doesn't work out, at least I tried!"* With that, he started walking to the bear's house, which was quite a bit away...

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it’s a...

...Flat Fee.

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear?

Bear Minimum

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Vending Machines

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your roo...

Got arrested today and the cops said they needed to take my fingerprints and put them on file. But when we got to the station, the sergeant said they'd run out of fingerprint ink.

So they just asked for 6 digit passcode instead.

I think they're trying to PIN something on me.

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

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