The 43+ Best Needed Jokes

One nun urgently needed a restroom...

so she went to a local bar. It was very noisy there, but when the visitors saw the nun, dead silence reigned. The woman approached the bartender and asked:
- Can I use the restroom?
The bartender replied:
- Of course, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man, whose "ch...

My Roman doctor said I needed an IV.

I asked: “For what?”

What did the peons at the jam factory say when asked if they needed to use the loo?

"No time for loos, sir,

'Cause we are the jam peons!"

Scientists got together and decided that humanity had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point where we can clone people, manipulate atoms, build molecules, fly through space, and do many other miraculous th...

Some couple was getting a little frisky behind the wheel of an Altima on a slick street, lost control and went slightly off the road, hit a tree with the front end and needed to call an ambulance and roadside assistance.

A classic case of Head, Shoulder, Nissan Tows, Ice, ERs, Mouth and Nose.

A man needed to prepare for a date so he went to a local pharmacy

After finding the condom section, he selected a box and went to the register.

The cashier scanned the box and stated "OK, that'll be $7.68 including tax."

At this, the man blinked and said "Tax? I thought these things stayed on by themselves!"

Chuck Norris called 911

And asked if they needed help.

The only flight available was on a plane transporting corpses. I needed to get home so I bought a ticket but they refused to let me on the plane.

I think that the problem was my carrion.

I needed to pick up paper, pens, and envelopes from the store, but I had no gas in my car so...

...I rode my stationery bike.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

Einstein asks his wife what she needed from him. She replied, “Just two things, space and time.”

Einstein: “Ok, what’s the 2nd thing?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed...

I needed socks for outdoors winter.

I thought I would need two layers.

So I bought two *pairs...*

Read my username.

Just Bought the new Dodge Hornet EV and ended up with two cars

Dealer said I also needed a Dodge Charger

I told my wife she needed to start embracing her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this Yob.

I came up with this in math class

This guy goes to interview for a job. He’s really nervous about it, because this job is a super big opportunity for him. He goes in, and the interviewer introduces herself, saying “Hi, my name is Karen”. They immediately start talking about the job, and the guy is answering all of Karen’s questions ...

I told my priest I was being haunted by an overweight ghost.

He said I needed to exorcise more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

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Paddy’s doctor was telling him that he really needed to lose weight.

Paddy was insisting that he was a healthy weight and the doctor was wrong.
Doctor: When was the last time you saw your penis?
Paddy: It’s been a while.
Doctor: You really need to diet.
Paddy: What color is it now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

The doctor told my Italian grandma that she needed to cut down on the pasta or else she'd die within ten years

So, she shot the guy and the judge gave her 20.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Thomas Edison needed Nikolai Tesla, Joseph Swan, James Bowman Lindsay etc to invent the light bulb.

Many hands make light work.

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the groun...

Last week, my mother needed help.

She told me to grab the little hoe, so I grabbed my sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present.

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchase...

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My wife just walked in on me bleaching my asshole and screamed “what the hell are you doing?!!”

I mean, she’s the one that told me I needed to change my ringtone.

I recently had a check up. They told me I had a cavity that really needed a filling.

So I’m looking for a new proctologist.

A might King was nearing the end of his life, and knew he needed a suitor for his daughter before he died.

In order to find the bravest, mightiest, most valiant man in the Kingdom (and perhaps cull out a few of the weaker ones), the King decided to host a challenge.

He invited the *entire* Kingdom to gather around a large pool that he filled with snakes, alligators, eels, and every other kind of d...

In an effort to raise funds a children's amputee charity have joined together with the local vampire hunters and bakers to sell baked goods to raise much needed funds.

They'll be selling stake and kidknee pies.

Why did the computer go to a cyber cafe?

Because it needed a byte to eat.

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry.

Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!
Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.

Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint... and the AC isn't working great (that's getting fixed tomorrow). It's a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they're all sisters in Christ, they'll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other cl...

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was liste...

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw b...

They needed a pee sample at the doctor's, so the nurse said to me, "urinate."

So I said, "Thanks! I think you're a three."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

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