My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...
My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.
She’s Tolkien in her sleep.
I made this up just now.
This young actor walks into an interview with a producer and they’re going back and forth. It comes to talking about pay and the inproducer offers him a low amount
The actor says “dude I have lots of people looking for me right now why don’t you make me a better offer
The producer says...
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: What?
People are just now upgrading to Windows 11?
Really? I'm already on 98. Why are you all so far behind?
Riddle told by a 7 year old just now...
I go up and down so you can go in and out.
What am I?
A garage door.
I was talking to one of the butchers at my job just now
He told me, "I'm going on break, so if anyone needs anything cut..." I cut in and said, "no dice"
I came up with a good lice joke just now...
... right off the top of my head.
"Our neighbor died just now" I told my wife after I hanged up my phone
"Who, Ray?"
"Why are you cheering? You don't even know who I am talking about?"
My 9 year old daughter just now. Where do people get their lies from?
From the lie-brary
Im just now realizing its going to be 2019 in just a few days
If you would have told me this months ago i would have called you crazy
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
I called my friend just now and said: "I have a joke for you"
Friend: "Ok shoot"
Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"
Friend: "I dunno what?"
Me: "A bat, now what has an enourmous penis and hangs up?"
Friend: "I dunno what?"
*Click*
Made up on the spot, and told to me by my 13yo son just now: What's a dog's favorite type of meat?
Wag-yu.
I'm just now realizing most blink-182 lyrics don't make any sense
I guess this is growing up...
I found out something fascinating just now. Did you know that one in two people...
Is a threesome?
Just now, from my dad: Have you heard the new Christmas carol from India?
We Vishnu a Merry Krishnas.
A man messaged his ex : Just now ate a tuna taco and suddenly you came in my mind “
She messaged him back : “ just now ordered a mini hot dog , it came in just 2 minutes. Suddenlu you came in my mind “
The cashier got my wife with this at the store just now then she got me at home with it. It only works verbally, but I wanted to share.
Cashier: Did you hear about the famous actress that stabbed her husband today?
wife: No who?
Cashier: Reese...um...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Cashier: No, with her knife!
As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.
I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
I'm talking to my daughter, sister in law and my dad just now. SIL: Have you ever had a pedicure? Daughter: oh yeah I have. Me: I've given her a pedicure before.
Dad: so I guess you could call yourself a... pediphile.
*Ugh* thanks dad. And yes this actually just happened.
Cheaper Pub in the World
Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;
"That will be $0.05 please sir".
"Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too"
"Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir".
"Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps".
"0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together".
...
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