The ‘w’ in Africa stands for water

There is none

I met my girlfriend at an African language class...

We just clicked!

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

I want the get 99 dudes together to sing Africa by Toto

Because that's something that 100 men or more could never do.

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

What’s SNC-Lavalin’s official song in Africa?

*Ebony and Bribery*

The Geography of a Woman

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is li...

A fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant.

It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.

He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
20 years later the man in standing in London watching a circus procession pass by.

When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stop...

Why shouldn’t you play poker in the jungle in Northern Africa

Too many cheetas

There must be a missionary somewhere who’s also a decent plumber.

And he’s the one who blesses the drains down in Africa.

I told my friend that I went on a trip to Eastern Cape of Africa and this guy hurled a long throwing spear at me.

My friend said "Assagaai!", I said I don't know why you're taking his side.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
<...

Why does Africa never win the Olympics?

Because it's a continent, dumbass.

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

Carl and his friends are at the Nile River in Africa when his friend receives a call

“Carl, your wife’s car flipped on the road while she was driving, she didn’t make it.” His friend said as he put his hand on Carl’s shoulder.

“No, it’s not true, oh God!” Carl said as he jumped in the Nile River, attempting to drown himself.

“What the hell is going on?!” Carl’s other f...

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

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Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”

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I was told by my therapist to stop listening to Africa

but it's gonna take a lot to drag me away from it

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In the 1930s, on an RAF post way out in rural Africa, the station commander had a pet lion.

Lennie (as he was called) was elderly, arthritic, mostly blind, and had hardly a tooth left in his head, and everyone on the station knew him well.

One day, one of the Flight Lieutenants was going out for a spin and as he taxied his Gamecock onto the airstrip, he saw with annoyance that Lenni...

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"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"



"Go on, what happened?" he asks.



"Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as i...

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.

Why are there no vampires in Africa?

Because
I blessed the rains down in Africa

An American missionary visits a small farming village in Africa...

He's giving his fire and brimstone speech, preaching to all the locals, and they are INTO IT. "He is the light and the way," he says, "without whom we would all be damned to eternal hellfire!"

"Hazunga!" Yell the natives.

"Accept Christ as your lord and savior, or be cast down!"
...

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

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A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.

Sato was amaz...

I don't get people who call it a first world problem when they can't charge their phones

African kids can't charge their phones either.

What's the stupidest animal in Africa?

The penguin.

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A Russian goes to Africa.

A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.

"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."

"What's the danger in that?"

"One of them is a cannibal."

Hippos are one of the most aggressive animals in all of Africa. What do you call it when a hippo kills something in one bite?

A hippo-crit.

Why are there no electric cars in Africa?

Because of madaGASCAR 🇲🇬

I feed and clothe a child in Africa for 30 cents a day.

Ofcourse that's nothing compared to what it cost to send him there

What did Mario say when he arrived in Africa?

It's a me, Malario!

Numerous people in Africa are falling ill due to a lack of clean water above ground

I hope they 'get well soon.'

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Made this myself. I'm very proud

A priest is visited by Christ himself in his dream. The Son of God warns him that danger is coming his way, and his family will be at risk as well. The priest asks for guidance, and Jesus takes pity on him and says, "give your blessing to the droplets of my land." And with that, the priest wakes up....

If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don’t priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?

He left the reigns down in Africa.

Did you hear about the Italian who joined a religion in Africa?

He's a past'safarian now.

Why aren't there any vampires in Africa?

Because vampires are killed by holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.

Why do so many robots live in Africa?

'Cause Botswana.

My friend in Africa was complaining about the lack of drinking water in his village.

So I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

Are you from Africa?

Cause African love you!

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the ...

Why’d the blonde math major only apply to colleges in South Africa?

She wanted to attend a party school where she couldn’t fail at integrating.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then we could save millions of...... mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her

Dad: That happens everywhere.

How do you start a rave in africa?

Tie food to the ceiling

What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger remembers the lyrics to Africa

Toto recall

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Africa...

Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her!

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

What did Asia say when Africa was next in line?

Europe.

TIL Most of the world's coco is produced in Africa.

This is because of part of the continent's tropical savanna climate, particularly its precipitation. I love chocolate, so I'm really grateful for this.

Next time I eat a candy bar, I'll have to bless the rains down in Africa.

Donald Trump goes to Africa in safari, but they only show him a photo of some wildebeests.

Fake gnus!

This is very sad, but did you know, every 60 seconds in Africa:

A minute passes

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

Not many people realize that Afrin Nasal Spray was acually invented in Africa.

Probably a good thing it wasn't invented in Europe.

What country in Africa has the most frat parties?

Chad.

Why can't you gamble in Africa?

Because of the Cheetahs.

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I was on a safari in Africa when I saw two male lions having sex with each other in the open.

I thought to myself, “Have they got no pride?”

How south is South Africa?

South AF

The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.

When I was in Africa, I decided to play a little pokemon go until a young black boy stole my phone and ran off with it.

Oh well,

Gotta catch Jemal!

Is Africa by Toto country music?

No it’s continent music.

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A dog went on a backpacking trip to Africa and decided he'd spend a few days in the safari

During one of the days he got lost when suddenly he saw a tiger lurking in the nearby woods. Knowing he had no chance escaping the tiger, he rushed over to a nearby pile of old bones. As the tiger approached ready to devour him for breakfast, the dog turned its back to the tiger, resiliently stuck a...

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.

I have a kid in Africa...

I have a kid in Africa and for only 37 cents a day he has a place to live, plenty of food, and all his shots.


The expensive part was flying him there.

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and or...

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An Italian, a French and an English are in Africa exploring...

When, from the back of a bush, a ferocious lion comes up and roar to the explorers.
The Italian, the one with the sharpest eye of them all, he's already climbing on a nearby tree to save his own ass.
The French, the one with the finest hearing, start climbing on the same tree the same instant...

What does Africa hunger and a mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop either.

Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who was stranded in Africa

\[A more politically correct re-write of an earlier joke this week\]



Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who went all over the world on his caravan selling his wares. One year as he was traveling through Africa, he was betrayed by his caravan and left for dead. Tha...

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

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A black man walks into a bar...

A black man walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.

"That is really special," said the bartender. "Where did you get it?"

"Africa," replied the parrot.

A cowboy walks into Africa

"What in starvation"

What Africa Really needs

If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then every year we could save millions

Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids

\- Jimmy Carr

When in Africa, where do you put the D?

Djibouti

*sorry I'm just trying not to fall asleep in geography class*

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A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies, and before long the little dog discovers it’s lost.

Suddenly the dog sees a hungry leopard bounding toward it. The dachshund thinks, I’m in deep trouble now!

But then it notices some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to ...

Hey girl are you africa?

Because Djibouti is making me crazy

What Pokèmon blesses the rains down in Africa?

Totodile

If you could have Bill Gates' wealth or cure all the suffering in Africa...

What colour Ferrari would you get?

There's an entire country in Africa without any sit down restaurants.

That's why they named it Togo

Travelling through the deepest darkest jungles of Africa with my man servant Jeeves ....

We broke through the dense undergrowth into a small clearing. There were eggs everywhere. I turned to Jeeves and said "This is obviously the work of poachers"

I took a trip to South Africa and met a Khoisan woman.

We really clicked.

Why has Africa never won gold at the olympics?

Because Africa isn't a country.


Geez man, no need to be racist.

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Smart Dachshund

An rich old lady decides to go on safari in Africa, along with her little pet dachshund, Frankie.
They set up camp and it isn't long before Frankie begins to explore his new surroundings.
Suddenly he finds himself far from the camp and feels eyes on him. Up in a tree is a large jaguar, ready...

A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder.

Barman says “Oh wow I’ve never seen one like that before, where did you get him from?”

Parrot says “Africa, there’s loads of them over there”

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An Englishman an Irishman and a Frenchman travel to the jungles of Africa

...and came across a tribe of man eaters that also had a grasp of the English language. The tribe leader expressed that today was a good day for the trio as the tribe had defeated an enemy tribe, had finished feasting and were preparing to celebrate so they had the option of offering a body part for...

Why is Pokemon quite realistic?

Because in the games, Bug-types are effective against Dark-types. Just like malaria in Africa.

I told my friend I had been in Africa gambling with the natives. “Zulu’s?” He asked.

I said nope. I usually won.

A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting
and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when
he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant
immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trun...

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If you're ever in Africa and come face to face with a lion, take one step sideways and then one step back. Repeating this process lets you move obliquely away from the lion...

...and prevents you from standing in your own shit.

An American, A Frenchman, And an African excavate historical relics 300 years from now

The three men are assigned to find anything historic, and report what they found after their excavation.

The American starts digging up, and in 7 days, he finds an iPhone.

"Our country must have invented the first smartphones." He concludes.

The Frenchman starts digging up, a...

What's the only positive thing in Africa?

HIV

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman..........

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan...

A pilot is flying a small one-seater plane over southern Africa in 1960...

when suddenly, his navigation equipment stops functioning. Because he has a general idea of where to go, he decides to keep flying.

Several hours pass, and the pilot is getting worried. He's running low on fuel, and doesn't have any idea where he is. He decides that he will land at the next r...

A young missionary on his first term in Africa..

..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions...

what do you call a 9 year old african boy crying on his knees

Midlife crisis

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