The ‘w’ in Africa stands for water

There is none

A man invites a friend to a hunting party in Africa

- We're going to hunt gorillas
- I've never done such a thing, how do you even hunt gorillas ?
- Well it's quite easy, all you need is a dog, a big bag, and a rifle
- OK... And how do you use them?
- Simple as that : I climb the tree, then I scare the gorilla to make it fall on the groun...

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"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"



"Go on, what happened?" he asks.



"Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as i...

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

Ever wonder why there are no pharmacies in Africa?

becuase you can't take a pill on an empty stomach.

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

A neckbeard goes to Africa. What does he get?

M’laria




(I got the joke from Emkay.)

A fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant.

It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.

He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
20 years later the man in standing in London watching a circus procession pass by.

When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stop...

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

I’m opening a new tanning salon in Africa.

Im going to call it Tanzania. (Tans in ‘ere)

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

I wondered why all the books about vampires were set in Europe or America but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.

I got a kid in Africa who I feed, clothe, school, and vaccinate for less than $1/day.

That is nothing compared to what it cost me to send him there.

How good is Toto's Africa?

Well, they named a continent after it.
SO, PRETTY DAMN GOOD

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A german man is having vacation in Africa

He gets in a bar and sits on a table. Shortly after, the female bartender comes and serves him. As he drinks his beer he recognises some scratches in the table about 30cm from the edge.
As the bartender came again he asked: "Why are there these scratches?"
Bartender:"Yesterday 3 black men came...

How do you start a rave in africa?

Tie food to the ceiling

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An Englishman visits Africa and heads to a bar

Whilst enjoying a beer, he hears two African blokes having a discussion that goes back and forth repetitively:

African bloke 1: "No, it is woom! W-O-O-M!"

African bloke 2: "No, it is womb! W-O-M-B!"

After a few minutes, the Englishman heads over to their table and interjects....

What do plants in Africa do?

Totosynthesis

An American missionary visits a small farming village in Africa...

He's giving his fire and brimstone speech, preaching to all the locals, and they are INTO IT. "He is the light and the way," he says, "without whom we would all be damned to eternal hellfire!"

"Hazunga!" Yell the natives.

"Accept Christ as your lord and savior, or be cast down!"
...

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A man and his wife watch a documentary on Africa

It features a tribe of men who lengthen their penises over 12 inches by tying a series of increasingly heavier stones to them. Inspired, the man tells his wife he’s going to give it a try.

A week later, he excitedly tells her “Honey, it’s starting to work!!”

Really? She exclaims. “It’...

Why can’t you have more than 99 people listen to toto’s Africa at once?

Its something that 100 men or more could never do

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

What will they be wearing in Africa next month?

Houston Astros World Series Champion t-shirts.

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

Carl and his friends are at the Nile River in Africa when his friend receives a call

“Carl, your wife’s car flipped on the road while she was driving, she didn’t make it.” His friend said as he put his hand on Carl’s shoulder.

“No, it’s not true, oh God!” Carl said as he jumped in the Nile River, attempting to drown himself.

“What the hell is going on?!” Carl’s other f...

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.

In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhaus...

How do you get 11 million followers?

You run through Africa with a bottle of water

Why are there no electric cars in Africa?

Because of madaGASCAR 🇲🇬

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Did you hear about that guy, Richard, who went to Africa?

He was a real Dick in Djibouti.

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A Russian goes to Africa.

A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.

"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."

"What's the danger in that?"

"One of them is a cannibal."

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

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Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the s...

A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder.

Barman says “Oh wow I’ve never seen one like that before, where did you get him from?”

Parrot says “Africa, there’s loads of them over there”

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.

They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.

After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
...

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

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A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.

Sato was amaz...

Why should you never play poker in Africa?

Because there are so many cheetahs!





^(Sorry I know this is super cringe)

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

Be careful what you wish for.

Somewhere in Africa this lion was chasing this christian. When the lion caught up with him, the lion knocked him to the ground with one swipe. The stunned christian got up on his knees and offered a prayer to god saying dear god please make this lion a christian lion so that maybe he will have mercy...

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In the 1930s, on an RAF post way out in rural Africa, the station commander had a pet lion.

Lennie (as he was called) was elderly, arthritic, mostly blind, and had hardly a tooth left in his head, and everyone on the station knew him well.

One day, one of the Flight Lieutenants was going out for a spin and as he taxied his Gamecock onto the airstrip, he saw with annoyance that Lenni...

What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?

He left the reigns down in Africa.

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A black man, mexican man and a redneck are walking down the beach one day when they stumble upon a magical lamp.

They rub it and a Genie pops out. "Thank you for freeing me from 1000 years inside! I will grant each of you ONE wish!"

The black man goes first : "I wish all black people could be returned to Africa to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many gene...

Why do so many robots live in Africa?

'Cause Botswana.

What's the stupidest animal in Africa?

The penguin.

I told my friend that I went on a trip to Eastern Cape of Africa and this guy hurled a long throwing spear at me.

My friend said "Assagaai!", I said I don't know why you're taking his side.

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

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Why does Africa never win the Olympics?

Because it's a continent, dumbass.

Why are there no vampires in Africa?

Because
I blessed the rains down in Africa

Did you hear about the Italian who joined a religion in Africa?

He's a past'safarian now.

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I was told by my therapist to stop listening to Africa

but it's gonna take a lot to drag me away from it

Are you from Africa?

Cause African love you!

Hippos are one of the most aggressive animals in all of Africa. What do you call it when a hippo kills something in one bite?

A hippo-crit.

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

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I met my girlfriend at an African language class...

We just clicked!

Numerous people in Africa are falling ill due to a lack of clean water above ground

I hope they 'get well soon.'

Have Uganda Africa yet?

Nah, but I was Ghana do that.

My friend in Africa was complaining about the lack of drinking water in his village.

So I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger remembers the lyrics to Africa

Toto recall

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her

Dad: That happens everywhere.

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

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I was on a safari in Africa when I saw two male lions having sex with each other in the open.

I thought to myself, “Have they got no pride?”

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Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member.

They ask him to tell his most memorable hunting story, and he does.

“Well, back in 1954 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we were big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know a huge lion jumps out of the ...

Why’d the blonde math major only apply to colleges in South Africa?

She wanted to attend a party school where she couldn’t fail at integrating.

Why can't you gamble in Africa?

Because of the Cheetahs.

What did Mario say when he arrived in Africa?

It's a me, Malario!

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Africa...

Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her!

Donald Trump goes to Africa in safari, but they only show him a photo of some wildebeests.

Fake gnus!

I have a kid in Africa...

I have a kid in Africa and for only 37 cents a day he has a place to live, plenty of food, and all his shots.


The expensive part was flying him there.

How south is South Africa?

South AF

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

TIL Most of the world's coco is produced in Africa.

This is because of part of the continent's tropical savanna climate, particularly its precipitation. I love chocolate, so I'm really grateful for this.

Next time I eat a candy bar, I'll have to bless the rains down in Africa.

What country in Africa has the most frat parties?

Chad.

This is very sad, but did you know, every 60 seconds in Africa:

A minute passes

Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who was stranded in Africa

\[A more politically correct re-write of an earlier joke this week\]



Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who went all over the world on his caravan selling his wares. One year as he was traveling through Africa, he was betrayed by his caravan and left for dead. Tha...

Is Africa by Toto country music?

No it’s continent music.

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A dog went on a backpacking trip to Africa and decided he'd spend a few days in the safari

During one of the days he got lost when suddenly he saw a tiger lurking in the nearby woods. Knowing he had no chance escaping the tiger, he rushed over to a nearby pile of old bones. As the tiger approached ready to devour him for breakfast, the dog turned its back to the tiger, resiliently stuck a...

Not many people realize that Afrin Nasal Spray was acually invented in Africa.

Probably a good thing it wasn't invented in Europe.

What did Asia say when Africa was next in line?

Europe.

What Africa Really needs

If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then every year we could save millions

Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids

\- Jimmy Carr

When I was in Africa, I decided to play a little pokemon go until a young black boy stole my phone and ran off with it.

Oh well,

Gotta catch Jemal!

A wife is clearing out her closet

And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”

The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”

And the husband says “darli...

Everyone is familiar with the story of the Wizard of Oz, right?

Dorothy and her dog get flown away in a tornado, and end up in the magical land of Oz. Obviously Dorothy misses her family and home, but her dog, Toto, he misses the rains down in Africa."

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent...

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year ...

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A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies, and before long the little dog discovers it’s lost.

Suddenly the dog sees a hungry leopard bounding toward it. The dachshund thinks, I’m in deep trouble now!

But then it notices some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to ...

A Good Man

A good man spends his life doing good deeds. One day he was flying back from Africa when his pane crashes near an uncharted island. He survives but is captured by cannibals.

The cannibals are prepping to cook him when he warns them.

"If you eat me, you guys are gonna feel sick and th...

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

When in Africa, where do you put the D?

Djibouti

*sorry I'm just trying not to fall asleep in geography class*

A cowboy walks into Africa

"What in starvation"

If you could have Bill Gates' wealth or cure all the suffering in Africa...

What colour Ferrari would you get?

What Pokèmon blesses the rains down in Africa?

Totodile

Hey girl are you africa?

Because Djibouti is making me crazy

Travelling through the deepest darkest jungles of Africa with my man servant Jeeves ....

We broke through the dense undergrowth into a small clearing. There were eggs everywhere. I turned to Jeeves and said "This is obviously the work of poachers"

Why has Africa never won gold at the olympics?

Because Africa isn't a country.


Geez man, no need to be racist.

The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.

There's an entire country in Africa without any sit down restaurants.

That's why they named it Togo

sleep deprived and thought of joke

So as I said I am sleep deprived and im wondering if this is a good joke I just made up.

Joke:

There are three different reactions to when you say Guinea

Guy 1 will be offended as he is Italian
Guy 2 is wondering how you know what part of africa he is from
and Guy 3 asked...

A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting
and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when
he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant
immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trun...

I told my friend I had been in Africa gambling with the natives. “Zulu’s?” He asked.

I said nope. I usually won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man goes to a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer, the cashier asks him where he got him

The parrot said Africa

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A black man and a bird walk into a bar.

The bartender said "What a beauty! Where did you get him?"
The bird replied "Africa."

There must be a missionary somewhere who’s also a decent plumber.

And he’s the one who blesses the drains down in Africa.

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