The ‘w’ in Africa stands for water

There is none

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"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"



"Go on, what happened?" he asks.



"Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as i...

A man invites a friend to a hunting party in Africa

- We're going to hunt gorillas
- I've never done such a thing, how do you even hunt gorillas ?
- Well it's quite easy, all you need is a dog, a big bag, and a rifle
- OK... And how do you use them?
- Simple as that : I climb the tree, then I scare the gorilla to make it fall on the groun...

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

Ever wonder why there are no pharmacies in Africa?

becuase you can't take a pill on an empty stomach.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

A Christian priest in Africa being chased by a lion is running for his life....

While he is running full speed, thinking how to get away from this situation, he starts praying asking god to please turn the lion into a good Christian. He hears a voice from the sky that says: “your prayer has been answered” Suddenly the lion catches up to him and jumps him, trapping him, And mira...

Mosquitos in Africa be like

It's-a me! Malario!

At 18 a woman is like Africa

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Austra...

Did I tell you about my friend in Africa named Dwayne?

I haven’t seen him in a while.

I miss Dwayne... down in Africa.

The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

A Christian went on a safari in Africa

And met a lion. The Lion started to chase him. As the man was running for his life, he started praying the Lord:

"Oh Lord, please make so the lion has a Christian thought."

So as the lion caught the man, it kneeled and started praying:

"Please Lord bless this meal that you are p...

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...

When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts.

I told my mom I wasn't hungry.

She said:
the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!

I replied:
and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

If you stake up all the elephants in Africa vertically

the elephants wouldn't like it.

"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN"...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't k...

An electrician is contracted to do work in Africa

He works in Africa setting up the electrical systems for the schools and hospitals that a mission is helping build. During his work there he meets a pastor and they chat and eventually become friends. One day the electrician mentions to his friend the idea that the priest should say some prayers for...

Last year In Africa, I made friends with a Mosquito. He told me a really good joke

I thought it was Malarious.

I’m opening a new tanning salon in Africa.

Im going to call it Tanzania. (Tans in ‘ere)

I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.

To which I responded “Safaris pretty good.”

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

I used to sponsor some kid in Africa

At least until I realized I could get a daily cup of coffee for the same price

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

Ten years after Donald Trump died, he's allowed one day on Earth

He goes into a bar, orders a beer and, eager to catch up with the events, asks to the bartender:

"So what's going on with Afghanistan now?"

"Oh don't worry about that, that's all ours now."

"China?"

"Nope, doesn't exist anymore. All ours."

"What about Europe?"
<...

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A group of four lifelong hunters decided to end their careers in the best way possible.

They'd taken down the most dangerous game to be found, all over the world. From saltwater gators, to bull elephants. They were renowned worldwide for having bagged a giant squid some few years back, but they were getting on in age and knew that they'd be unable to keep up with the youngsters before ...

100 years after Trump dies, he gets one day back in Earth.

Trump visits a bar and asks for a beer. "So how is it in the middle east?" he asks the bartender.

"Don't worry, we've taken care of it. It's all ours."

"How about China?"

"Nope. Doesn't exist anymore. All ours."

"Europe? Africa? South America?"

"It's all under us,"...

How do you start a rave in africa?

Tie food to the ceiling

I have a child in Africa that I feed

That I clothe

that I educate

That I inoculate

All for $5 a day


Which is a lot less than it cost to send him there

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A Russian goes to Africa.

A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.

"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."

"What's the danger in that?"

"One of them is a cannibal."

Carl and his friends are at the Nile River in Africa when his friend receives a call

“Carl, your wife’s car flipped on the road while she was driving, she didn’t make it.” His friend said as he put his hand on Carl’s shoulder.

“No, it’s not true, oh God!” Carl said as he jumped in the Nile River, attempting to drown himself.

“What the hell is going on?!” Carl’s other f...

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

What do plants in Africa do?

Totosynthesis

How good is Toto's Africa?

Well, they named a continent after it.
SO, PRETTY DAMN GOOD

What will they be wearing in Africa next month?

Houston Astros World Series Champion t-shirts.

Why can’t you have more than 99 people listen to toto’s Africa at once?

Its something that 100 men or more could never do

An American missionary visits a small farming village in Africa...

He's giving his fire and brimstone speech, preaching to all the locals, and they are INTO IT. "He is the light and the way," he says, "without whom we would all be damned to eternal hellfire!"

"Hazunga!" Yell the natives.

"Accept Christ as your lord and savior, or be cast down!"
...

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A german man is having vacation in Africa

He gets in a bar and sits on a table. Shortly after, the female bartender comes and serves him. As he drinks his beer he recognises some scratches in the table about 30cm from the edge.
As the bartender came again he asked: "Why are there these scratches?"
Bartender:"Yesterday 3 black men came...

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(NSFW)A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The bartender asks: Where did you get that from?
The parrot responds: From Africa!

A Chinese bureaucrat, an Indian bureaucrat and an African bureaucrat walk into a bar. They’ve known each other for years, having met every year at UN conferences, and they’ve become friends.

But, talking over drinks, they realise that they’ve only ever met at conferences. So the Chinese bureaucrat suggests that after the next one, in Beijing, they come to his house to relax for a few days.

They all agree, and when the next conference ends, they set off. They get a plane at Beijin...

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An Englishman visits Africa and heads to a bar

Whilst enjoying a beer, he hears two African blokes having a discussion that goes back and forth repetitively:

African bloke 1: "No, it is woom! W-O-O-M!"

African bloke 2: "No, it is womb! W-O-M-B!"

After a few minutes, the Englishman heads over to their table and interjects....

Why do so many robots live in Africa?

'Cause Botswana.

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Why does Africa never win the Olympics?

Because it's a continent, dumbass.

Why should you never play poker in Africa?

Because there are so many cheetahs!





^(Sorry I know this is super cringe)

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

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Did you hear about that guy, Richard, who went to Africa?

He was a real Dick in Djibouti.

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Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

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I was on a safari in Africa when I saw two male lions having sex with each other in the open.

I thought to myself, “Have they got no pride?”

What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger remembers the lyrics to Africa

Toto recall

Did you know, every sixty seconds in Africa

A minute passes

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I was told by my therapist to stop listening to Africa

but it's gonna take a lot to drag me away from it

Why are there no vampires in Africa?

Because
I blessed the rains down in Africa

A man applies for a job as a lumberjack

Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience?

Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years.

Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked?

The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir.

The Sahara ...

Unconfirmed rumors that The Rock has been injured while on location in Namibia

I guess Dwayne's down in Africa.

The Hunter.

There was a big game hunter in a bar in Africa. He was on a safari vacation with his wife. He was very good as a hunter.

While in the bar, he boasted that he could tell any animal and how it was killed by the feel of the pelt and the bullet hole. And he could do it blindfolded.

Of co...

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?

He left the reigns down in Africa.

What's the stupidest animal in Africa?

The penguin.

You know things have gotten bad here in Europe when..

All across Africa 'Do they know it's Easter' is number 1.

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In the 1930s, on an RAF post way out in rural Africa, the station commander had a pet lion.

Lennie (as he was called) was elderly, arthritic, mostly blind, and had hardly a tooth left in his head, and everyone on the station knew him well.

One day, one of the Flight Lieutenants was going out for a spin and as he taxied his Gamecock onto the airstrip, he saw with annoyance that Lenni...

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

Did you hear about the Italian who joined a religion in Africa?

He's a past'safarian now.

An oldie but a goodie. [It's a version of an older joke]

On November 14, 1984, the United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.

In Africa, families were confused about what "food"...

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U2 are holding a concert in Scotland.

Halfway through the show, as the other band members take a break, Bono takes to the stage and begins clapping his hands. A steady, rythmic clap. He leans into the microphone and addresses the crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies".

From somewhere in the crowd, a v...

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Africa...

Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her!

How south is South Africa?

South AF

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.

Have Uganda Africa yet?

Nah, but I was Ghana do that.

Numerous people in Africa are falling ill due to a lack of clean water above ground

I hope they 'get well soon.'

I have a kid in Africa...

I have a kid in Africa and for only 37 cents a day he has a place to live, plenty of food, and all his shots.


The expensive part was flying him there.

Why are there no electric cars in Africa?

Because of madaGASCAR 🇲🇬

My friend in Africa was complaining about the lack of drinking water in his village.

So I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

Are you from Africa?

Cause African love you!

A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.

In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhaus...

Why can't you gamble in Africa?

Because of the Cheetahs.

Hippos are one of the most aggressive animals in all of Africa. What do you call it when a hippo kills something in one bite?

A hippo-crit.

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A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies, and before long the little dog discovers it’s lost.

Suddenly the dog sees a hungry leopard bounding toward it. The dachshund thinks, I’m in deep trouble now!

But then it notices some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to ...

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her

Dad: That happens everywhere.

Is Africa by Toto country music?

No it’s continent music.

What did Mario say when he arrived in Africa?

It's a me, Malario!

The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.

What Africa Really needs

If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then every year we could save millions

Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids

\- Jimmy Carr

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A dog went on a backpacking trip to Africa and decided he'd spend a few days in the safari

During one of the days he got lost when suddenly he saw a tiger lurking in the nearby woods. Knowing he had no chance escaping the tiger, he rushed over to a nearby pile of old bones. As the tiger approached ready to devour him for breakfast, the dog turned its back to the tiger, resiliently stuck a...

TIL Most of the world's coco is produced in Africa.

This is because of part of the continent's tropical savanna climate, particularly its precipitation. I love chocolate, so I'm really grateful for this.

Next time I eat a candy bar, I'll have to bless the rains down in Africa.

My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico”

Me: “Hey babe what do you wanna eat?”

Her: “Nothing”

Me: *flies to Africa*

Donald Trump goes to Africa in safari, but they only show him a photo of some wildebeests.

Fake gnus!

Why’d the blonde math major only apply to colleges in South Africa?

She wanted to attend a party school where she couldn’t fail at integrating.

I used to be a plumber, but now I’m a missionary.

...I bless the drains down in Africa...

What country in Africa has the most frat parties?

Chad.

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The old man and the bear.

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said,

"See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."...

What did Asia say when Africa was next in line?

Europe.

When I was in Africa, I decided to play a little pokemon go until a young black boy stole my phone and ran off with it.

Oh well,

Gotta catch Jemal!

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

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An Italian, a French and an English are in Africa exploring...

When, from the back of a bush, a ferocious lion comes up and roar to the explorers.
The Italian, the one with the sharpest eye of them all, he's already climbing on a nearby tree to save his own ass.
The French, the one with the finest hearing, start climbing on the same tree the same instant...

Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who was stranded in Africa

\[A more politically correct re-write of an earlier joke this week\]



Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who went all over the world on his caravan selling his wares. One year as he was traveling through Africa, he was betrayed by his caravan and left for dead. Tha...

If you could have Bill Gates' wealth or cure all the suffering in Africa...

What colour Ferrari would you get?

When in Africa, where do you put the D?

Djibouti

*sorry I'm just trying not to fall asleep in geography class*

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