Gone Jokes - 124 Hilarious Gone Jokes

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

Finally my winter fat is gone

Now I have spring rolls

My neighborhood strip club has gone out of business.

The sign on the door says "sorry, we're clothed."

My local bakery has gone bust.

Turns out they weren't making enough bread.

Did you guys know Sting has gone missing?

The Police have no lead.

A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."

Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you be...

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.

Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

My wife's gone to the Caribbean for two weeks.

Jamaica?

No, it was her idea!

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

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Have you heard that a viagra shipment has gone missing?

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Hunting gone wrong

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
...

Elmo gone wrong…

A new hire at Hasbro was assigned to quality control on the Tickle Me Elmo line.

After an hour, the line foreman saw the line grind to a stop. Frustrated workers are yelling, stepping away from the machines, and angrily looking towards the end of the line.

There is the new hire, furi...

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

Horseback riding gone wrong

Last weekend my daughters and I were going to the grocery store but on the way I spotted a chance to go horseback riding and couldn't pass it up. So I got on the horse and immediately it started trying to buck me off. I'm desperately yelling for help and flailing around but all the people passing b...

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An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying on bed for a few minutes, the old man cut a fart and says, "7 points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
<...

Interview Gone Wild

A man was interviewing for a job.

Interviewer: “What’s your biggest weakness?”

Man: “Honesty”

Interviewer: “I don’t think honesty is a weakness”

Man: “I really don’t care what you think”

a local farmer had gone into investigations

\-what do you feed your chicken ?

\- soy beans, he answered

\-soy beans ?! are you aware that there's a global shortage in soy beans, we'll give you a $100k fine and prepare yourself for further investigations

few days later,...

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My porn addiction has gone too far.

Even the FBI doesn't want to check my search history!

Political correctness gone mad.

I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.

Apparently it's my "daughter."

You don't know what you have until it's gone.

Unless we're talking about my wife's miscarriage.

A man gets home from work one day to find his wife is gone.

He walks in the kitchen to find a note on the fridge that reads, "This isn't working, I've packed my bags and left for my mother's." Confused, the man opens the fridge and thinks to himself, "Well, the light's on and the beer is cold. What the hell was she talking about?"

Suicide gone wrong [CORNY]

-Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers.
-Seriously? And what happened?
-After the first two, I felt much better.

Gone Fishin

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of t...

Workers at the International Earth Rotation Service have gone on strike.

This is going to be a long day.

What do you call a russian soldier gone rogue

A WOLrus

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A new vibrator has gone on sale.

Its so realistic that just before the woman reaches orgasm,

It cums, farts, goes limp then switches itself off!.

Political Correctness has gone mad...

You can't even say "Black paint" anymore, you have to say "Jamal would you please kindly help me paint my fence."

The way this year has gone so far

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Corona virus vaccine will be available in suppository form only.

What will there be when USA is gone?

USB

The last cannibal is gone

They ate him

We all thought the Taliban were gone...

And now that they came back we find out they were only Tali-kicked

Woke Disney has gone too far! First it's hehim and sheher, then it's theythem...

Now they have an entire TV show called Andor!!!

Gone Fishing.

This guy came home from work and said to his wife, "I need a vacation. I'm too stressed out. I think I'll go fishing for the weekend."

"Okay," she says. "I'll pack for you."

So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, "Wow, I feel a lot better now...

My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he...

I can't find my "Gone in 60 seconds" DVD...

It was here a minute ago...

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Sexting gone wrong

I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

Do you think America's gone nuts?

Nah. They've gone coup coup.

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This yogi in India claims he hasn’t gone to the bathroom in 76 years.

I think he’s full of shit…

My wife's gone and locked herself in the kitchen after an argument over how cheap and miserable I've become since we got married.

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.

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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

Now that I’ve gone back and listened to the 90s Fresh Prince theme song…

That track really slaps.

I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone.

And I'm left with the maniac.

Dear Apple: please stop autocorrecting things like “he HAD gone camping” and “he HAS gone camping”

Spelling mistakes are one thing, but don’t assume you know what tents I wanted to use.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

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A wish gone awry

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time ...

How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?

“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”

I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone...

And then it dawned on me.

Patient:”doctor, I think I’ve gone deaf”

Doctor: “okay, describe the symptoms”
Patient: “WHAT?”

Gone fishing

The husband came home from work Friday afternoon and told his wife he'll be going fishing for the weekend with his friends from work. The suspicious wife ever so kindly offered to pack for him. She went unto their closet and threw a duffle bag full of clothes and toiletries together. Having loaded u...

Chicken stock has gone up today,

but only by a poultry sum.

In 12 months, my startup has gone from $0 in monthly revenue to 8-figures in monthly revenue.

Here's how we did it:

August 2021: $0

August 2022: $0.0000000

My girlfriend wants me gone because of my obsession with cats.

Shes kicking meowt

The price of lumber has gone up so much...

That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine.

My foot’s gone to sleep

Totally coma toes

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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

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Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone...

What sort of sick fuck does that to someone's advent calendar?!

Lorraine is gone...

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obviou...

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69 gone wrong

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs" Still unsure but wi...

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With Net Neutrality gone I’m finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won’t be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

I've gone back to customer service after two years of working from home and it's been a bit of a shock. The yelling, the swearing, the threats of physical violence.

I'm really struggling to break these habits, any advice?

What has gone down since carona virus has showed up?

School Shootings

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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Reporters Interview Gone Wrong!!!

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy...

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

You know, I would've gone to the gym today.

It just didn't work out though.

What do you call a cow that has gone dry?

A milk dud or a udder failure.

"MOM!!!! Dad's gone crazy...."

He's throwing things out of the windoooooooooooooo....

United really has gone downhill. Their service used to be great.

Hell, 16 years ago they would fly you right to your office!

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb.

I just can't part with it.

Hey when ISIS is gone do we call them.....

WASWAS then?

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

A city in Yorkshire has gone missing....

Police say they have no Leeds.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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Gone Fishin'

An older cop towards the end of his shift was sitting on the side of a busy road with his radar gun trying to just make it through the day. As he's sitting there watching traffic, a young kid in a brand new BMW comes flying down the road past the cop. Knowing the routine, the cop turns on his lights...

Sooooo... with Avicii gone,

Can Mike Posner finally stop taking pills in Ibiza?

Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone...

... and I'm asking myself : Who let the .docx out?

My wife was elated with how far our son had gone!

I tell her, "This trebuchet is simply amazing! Go fetch our daughter!"

I would have gone to space,

but the cost is astronomical!

My wife’s gone missing Jokes

A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”
\-
The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”
\-
The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”
\-
The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why ...

Two tourists were travelling around Europe and had gone to the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

They stopped for lunch and asked the lady behind the counter, "Could you please pronounce the name of this place for us, and do it very slowly?" "The lady behind the counter then said "Buuurrrgeeeeer Kiiiiiiiing."

A farmer went out to the field and found one his cows had gone cross-eyed

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer "I've seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes." The vet took out a section of hose, pu...

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

2019: Cancel culture has gone too far

2020: Hold my Corona

All the good stuff is gone

A bartender was closing the bar down for the night when he hears a knock on the back door. He opens the door to a homeless man and asks "How can I help you?" The homeless man asks the bartender if he can have a toothpick. The bartender looks perplexed and says sure. So he gives him a toothpick. The...

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The chemistry is gone from our relationship.

My wife can't get anti-depressants any more and I've run out of Viagra.

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You have died and gone to hell

When you arrive in hell, you are greeted with a very happy and joyful Satan

Satan: WELCOME TO HELL!!!!! Please, let’s get you checked in and see where you will fit in our depths.

Satan scans the book of life. Locates your name

Satan: Ohhh, I see!!!! OH, WOW that is a lot of ti...

Doctor, Doctor, I think I've gone blind!

You sure have mate this is a fish and chips shop

Robbery gone right

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

Star Wars Trailer: No one is ever really gone...

"Meesa lead tha First Order to victory now, okietay?"

What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?

You pull off the ring and then your house is gone

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows ba...

My abandonment issues are gone!

They decided to leave me too I guess..

Scientists claims that 85% of rainforests will be gone by 2025

but if we worked really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017

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Gone Fishing.

So a man walks up to his his wife and says, "Honey, today you the dog and I are going fishing." The wife says, "I hate fishing so much, I refuse to go." "Alright", says the husband, " in that case I will give you three options. Give me head, do anal, or go fishing." The wife takes some time to think...

Ukrainian cleaning his pistol

It's 1961, and a Ukrainian is cleaning his pistol. His son runs into the room shouting: "Daddy, daddy, Russians have gone to space!" The man stops cleaning his pistol. "What, all of them?" "No, just one!" The man grumbles & continues cleaning the pistol.

Wow!! it is almost Xmas. I can't believe where the year has gone....

It seemed to have Zoomed by.

Bank Robbery Gone Bad

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the ba...

What do you call a circumcision gone wrong?

A rip-off

What do you call a spaceman that’s gone crazy?

Astronuts... or Cosmonuts if he’s a comrade.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Youtube has now gone down

on me more often than my wife for the past 13 years

I was talking to a friend when he said 'My wife's just gone to the West Indies' I asked 'Jamaica?'

'No, she went of her own accord' he replied

Girls on GoneWild

Q: Why do girls on gonewild wear panties?

A: So that their ankles would keep warm

Why haven’t aliens gone to our planet yet

They saw it had one star

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DIY Gone Wrong

I was installing a light in the attic the today, when I slipped, and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling.

It scared the shit out of my girlfriend!

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August!

My clock has gone back four seconds.

It must've been really hungry.

With Phillip gone, the UK is already making plans for when the Queen passes as well.

They'll toss a soldier off the cliffs of Dover and she'll return at full strength.

"Sir, you've gone mad with power!"

“Of course I have! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring, no one listens to you.”

I would post a cheesy joke in reference to Gone With the Wind...

But frankly, my dear, I don’t give Edam

Blonde Joke gone bad

Brother: Why did the blonde climb over the transparent glass wall?

Sister: I don't know, why?

Brother: To see what was on the other side.

Sister: Pause. *Confused Look.* Wait.. but.. why didn't she just walk around it?

My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing...

They hope he resurfaces soon.

Kid in park (crying): "I don't know where my mom's gone to!"

Me: "Oh no, that's terrible!"

Wife: :Talk to him."

Me: (kneeling) "Hey, kid, don't end a sentence with a preposition."

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Craigslist Personals and Backpage are gone.

Congressional Cockblock

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg

So i cooked beef in it.

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