Two tourists were travelling around Europe and had gone to the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

They stopped for lunch and asked the lady behind the counter, "Could you please pronounce the name of this place for us, and do it very slowly?" "The lady behind the counter then said "Buuurrrgeeeeer Kiiiiiiiing."

So excited to announce that I’ve finally gone viral!

I have bronchitis.

My car’s gone and a horse and carriage is in it’s place...

Something seems A-mish

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

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Just heard this one at work. Clearly the boss is gone lol

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"

He replies, "It's not for sale."

The woman says, "Please I want *that* one," again he says it's not for sale.

The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred do...

Lorraine is gone...

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obviou...

My mom called and told me granpa is now somewhere over the rainbow and gone to his glory.

Yeah, I saw him on the news - he had a hell of a Pride parade.

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Some guy came up to me and said "I haven't gone to the bathroom in 2 years"

I said, "you're full of crap"

"MOM!!!! Dad's gone crazy...."

He's throwing things out of the windoooooooooooooo....

Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?

Apparently there is a New Delhi.

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My first managers name was Lorraine.

My first managers name was Lorraine and she was really cool. Her husband, alfonso, was an assistant manager at the same store, and he was a dick. He had been having an affair for quite some time with a woman named Claire Lee . Everyone except his wife knew, but we didn't have the heart to tell her. ...

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"The only ones who truly know where the edge is have already gone over."

"What the fuck have you done this is a nursing home for the blind goddammit Karen!!"







\*Pardon my french ladies.

Star Wars Trailer: No one is ever really gone...

"Meesa lead tha First Order to victory now, okietay?"

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the thir...

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

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Reporters Interview Gone Wrong!!!

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy...

Kid in park (crying): "I don't know where my mom's gone to!"

Me: "Oh no, that's terrible!"

Wife: :Talk to him."

Me: (kneeling) "Hey, kid, don't end a sentence with a preposition."

Why haven’t aliens gone to our planet yet

They saw it had one star

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: “Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she’s gone?”

He said: “What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.”

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Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone...

What sort of sick fuck does that to someone's advent calendar?!

What do you call a circumcision gone wrong?

A rip-off

How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?

When it turns guaca-moldy.

A wife is like a hand grenade...

remove the ring and your house is gone!

Is it just me or has this whole third sub thing gone too far?

I can barely finish eating one sub. Let alone three

Hunting gone wrong

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
...

Finally my winter fat is gone.

Now I have spring rolls .

My wife caught me cheating

My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that I have been cheating on her with Clara next door. Last night, she packed her things and was off on her way.

I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.

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My first date couldn't of gone any better!

At the bar she ordered sex on the beach and I had my Dickins Cider!

The fish and chip shop near me has gone into liquidation

Now the owner is stuck between a rock and a hard plaice

Today I came out to find my bicycle was gone

I called the police and within a matter of hours they had tracked down the thief, He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I've gone blind!

You sure have mate this is a fish and chips shop

With Romaine lettuce being gone...

it’s safe to say that Caesar, emperor of salads, has fallen with the great Romaine empire.

A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, "Your cat got run over by a car and died." The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell ...

Balloon prices have gone up.

Damn inflation.

What's the best cruise you could have ever gone on?

The Titanic. It was the cruise of a lifetime for many of them.

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"Give me an example of when you've gone the extra mile for someone?" asked the job interviewer.

"Well," I said. "One time a prostitute refused to walk down the block to my car."

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The chemistry is gone from our relationship.

My wife can't get anti-depressants any more and I've run out of Viagra.

A city in Yorkshire has gone missing....

Police say they have no Leeds.

Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong?

I’m all ears.

What do you call a bag of tea that's gone through the wash?

Linty.

I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' dvd.

It was here a minute ago

I broke up with my boyfriend and fell asleep while he packed his stuff. I woke up to him gone and he took my toilet also.

Police were called, they saw the hole in the bathroom and are looking into it. Meanwhile, they have nothing to go on.

I stayed up all night last night wondering where the sun had gone...

Then it dawned on me.

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me,

"Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."

The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith...

Youtube has now gone down

on me more often than my wife for the past 13 years

After hauling a deer on the back of my car, I was disappointed to find the meat had gone bad.

Guess thats what I get for putting it on the spoiler

A son says to his dad, "Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything?". The dad says, "Yeah get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans.". The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens and he asks his son, "What the hell took so long?".

The son walks in and says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three pet stores before I found one that sold toucans."

Before she died, my mom would always say, “You’ll miss me when I’m gone”.

And who knows, maybe one day I will.

My abandonment issues are gone!

They decided to leave me too I guess..

So the hurricane Florence has gone from a cat 5 to a cat 2

I guess you could say it was...



overblown

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Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches.

This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.

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Have you heard that a viagra shipment has gone missing?

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

3 Churches and a Whole Lot of Squirrels

There once was a small town that was swarmed by wild squirrels. The Squirrels made their home in the town's three churches.

The church leaders all made efforts to remove the squirrels. At the end of the year, all three church leaders met up to compare their results.

The First church ...

In Soviet Russia, a frightened man goes to the KGB: "My talking parrot has gone missing!"

The KGB officer replies: "This is not something we handle. Go to the criminal police for your parrot."


"No, no, Comrade Major - I am here to tell you I disagree with everything it says!"

My mate Gav overdosed on heart burn tablets

I cant believe Gav is gone.

My clock has gone back four seconds.

It must've been really hungry.

With Net Neutrality gone I’m finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won’t be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that's gone horribly wrong?

I'm all ears.

A Mexican magician said he could disappear in three seconds. So he counted, uno, dos, and then he was gone

He disappeared without a tres

Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out...

...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.

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I was collecting my urine in a bottle til i woke up one morning and found some of it was gone

"Now that's just taking the piss" I exclaimed angrily

Sooooo... with Avicii gone,

Can Mike Posner finally stop taking pills in Ibiza?

"My favourite musical composer has gone missing!"

"Don't worry, I've got your Bach"

After getting acupuncture, my chronic muscle pain is completely gone.

The pin really is mightier than the sore.

What do you call an ox that’s gone gluten-free?

Silly yak.

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Did you hear that the prices of tampons have gone down recently?

Yeah, no strings attached!

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone…

…So I tasered her.


I'll ask her again when she wakes up.

What would you call a potato that has gone to the Dark Side?

Vader-tots

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Craigslist Personals and Backpage are gone.

Congressional Cockblock

United really has gone downhill. Their service used to be great.

Hell, 16 years ago they would fly you right to your office!

Hey when ISIS is gone do we call them.....

WASWAS then?

I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone.

And I'm left with the maniac.

How do you know when a prostate exam's gone horribly wrong?

When you feel both of the doctor's hands on your shoulders.

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in. "Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

My girlfriend told me all of the spice was gone from our relationship. I asked her how I could help...

“I just need a little thyme.”

Scientists claims that 85% of rainforests will be gone by 2025

but if we worked really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017

I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar...

Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!

My mother in law has gone a bit off the rails.

Hopefully the train still gets her.

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A wish gone awry

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time ...

"Sir, you've gone mad with power!"

“Of course I have! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring, no one listens to you.”

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An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying on bed for a few minutes, the old man cut a fart and says, "7 points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
<...

Suicide gone wrong [CORNY]

-Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers.
-Seriously? And what happened?
-After the first two, I felt much better.

OC from my 13 year old: I heard the quality of the pastries in New Orleans has gone down.

They've been yay before, but not anymore.

I bet the way a young lady earns a "Girls Gone Wild" shirt is very similar to

the way a young man earns a Penn State sweatshirt.

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit.
It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 ...

Political correctness has gone way too far. You can't even say black paint anymore.

You have to say, "Hey Leroy, please paint this fence for me."

One direction have gone their seperate ways,

Isn’t that ironic!

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The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone!

The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit.

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

Survey gone wrong.. or right??

On a survey for 'which conditioner you use?' 99% of the womens said 'aaahhhhhh.....get out of my shower!!!!'

They're re-making Gone in 60 Seconds

It's a bio-pic about Kevin Spacey's reputation.

Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone...

What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?

Robbery gone right

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone...

... and I'm asking myself : Who let the .docx out?

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently wi...

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

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The Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give yo...

Impressing girls gone terribly wrong

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

What will Trump watch in the evenings now that Bill O'Reilly is gone?

Bill will go over and do it live.

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