My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

Dreams

An older couple are laying in bed one morning and the wife said “I had a dream I was in Walmart.”

The husband said, “I had a dream I was naked with three women.”

The wife asked, “Was I there?”

Husband replied, “No, you were in Walmart.”

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I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.

He said, “You have to try to relax, It looks like you’re two tents.”

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

I told my son to have sweat dreams, but he started crying

He has diabetes

My girlfriend said she had a dream where I cheated on her

So I went out that night and picked up a girl at the bar. I want to make all my girlfriend's dreams to come true

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Wife and Husband Dream

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away for free."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pr...

"What's your dream job?"

\-"Well, in my dreams, I don't work."

An elevator powered by dreams

So you can sleep your way to the top

During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams.

Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit."

I dont like Dream fans

I just can't stan them.

Last night I dreamed I was a muffler...

...when I woke up, I was exhausted!

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived hoppily ever after.

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A man wakes up next to his wife one morning. He asks his wife if she had any dreams that night

"Well, I dreamed I was at an auction for cocks," the wife replied. "Really big cocks got bids of $100, and the tiny ones got bids of $10."

"Oh yeah? What did mine go for?" the husband slyly asked with a wink.

"Pfft, it didn't get a single bid," replied the wife.

The husband grum...

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the owner of one ...

I had a scary dream last night.

I dreamed that I woke up dead.



I was so scared I was beside myself.

My wife made up this joke in a dream and woke herself up laughing...

Q: How do you tell the difference between a Golder Retriever and a Dalmatian?

A: You get down on the floor and spin them around real fast. One of them is yellow and the other one is gray.

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Professor: April, you are failing my class.

April: Oh, Professor. My parents will be so mad. I’m sure we can fix this. I’ll do annnything to pass.

Professor: {gulp} anything?

April: YES! Anything you can dream up.

Professor: Will you…… study?

I almost had a wet dream last night. Very embarrassing...

Time to take matters into my own hands.

After Covid is over, I’m going to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.

My wife said, “What would you do when you finally see it?”

Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

Future is shaped by your dreams.

So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.

I once dated an Italian woman, who haunts me in my dreams to this day...

...she’s a real gaba-ghoul.

I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.

It was an auto body experience.

Jones is asleep in his bed and in his dream

... he hears a voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!“

Jones wakes up thinking “That was a weird dream” and goes about his day. The next night, he hears the same voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!”

After the third night with the ...

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As a child, my wife wanted to become a mechanic for National Express but never followed that dream, which is a shame.

I'd love to see her under a fucking bus.

It was my childhood dream to become a painter...

ever since my doctor first told me I was artistic.

If you keep following your dreams...

They’re going to file a restraining order.

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A man and his dreams

A black man with anemia finds a genie in a bottle and gets 3 wishes.

"I want to be white, have enough blood and wake up between the legs of a woman"

"Ok, wishes granted"

ZAPP

He wakes up as a tampon.

I had a dream where I was attacked by 6 naked women.

Sounds strange dozen tit?

I kept having these crazy dreams where I woke up covered in Tyre tracks...

My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

I had a dream last night that I was fighting an erection.

I was able to beat it off single handedly

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

My Dreams

I've given up on so much anti-smoking campaigns are jealous of my success

What is the sushi chef's dream car?

rolls rice

I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before

It was just a pigment of my imagination.

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

I dreamed last night that I was swimming in an ocean of soft drink

Then I woke up and realised it was just a Fanta sea.

What do you call a dream about paint?

A pigment of your imagination!

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

So, an astronaut dreams of spending a Little over a day on Mars...

It is his Sol endeavor.

Two poor men dream of going to America

They hear of American food and how great it is and, in particular, the hotdog.

So they work hard and save their money for many years before finally traveling to America. Upon arriving, they immediately run off the boat and to the nearest hotdog stand. Eagerly, they throw their money at the st...

I told my doctor I wasn’t sleeping well. I told him that sometimes I dream that I am a wigwam, and sometimes I dream that I am a teepee.

He said, “Well there’s your problem, you’re too tense.”

Baseball Dreams

Doctor: What did you dream about last night?

Patient: Baseball.

Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?

Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

Three men book into a busy ski lodge

So they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job." Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream." Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!"

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First time

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 5 husbands.  On their wedding night she told him, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"How can that be with all your marriages?"

"Husband #1 was an Engineer, he understood the process, but wanted three years to resea...

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a kilo

And I was like 0mg

My fortune cookie said my dreams would become reality

Great...



So, I'll be in my underwear at school, late for a class I can't find, and my teeth will fall out.

Thanks, fortune cookie.

Some only dream of cake

Others bake it happen.

My friend had a long life dream of studying carbonation in soda. After many years of schooling, he accomplished his dream...

...he became a licensed Fizzyologist.

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Little Johnny was in class one friday.....

The teacher said we'll play a game, whoever answers my questions correctly can leave early for the weekend. The first question was, who started a speech with "four score and seven years ago "? Several kids raised their hand and little Johnny was waving his hand frantically in the back of the class....

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A man is taking his first ever flight

A man is taking his first ever flight and he's very excited. He's wanted to fly on a plane ever since he was a little boy. He's especially excited about the prospect of who he could be seated next to. His mind full with anticipation over the possibilities- it could be a celebrity, his favorite athle...

I got my dream job at a guillotine factory.

I'll beheading there shortly.

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her biggest dream was

She replied "fuck you"

So I'm pretty excited today

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman..

He was always too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment.

He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off.

She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was ...

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An older man fancied a young women he met.

The gentleman met the women and tried every trick in the book to get her to sleep with him, except the direct approach as she was so young and he was so married.

After some time she suddnly asked him "Are you trying to get me into bed?". Before the man could response she said "I would be hap...

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

I often have wet dreams...

of becoming a scuba diver.

One liner

Wet dreams are just hand jobs from god.

If you die in a dream

A scout master is wrapping up scary stories around the campfire.

One kid asks “Is it true if you die in a dream, you die in real life?”

“Oh no, not at all.” replies the scout master.

All the children sigh in relief.

“On the other hand, if you pee in a dream...”

Recently became a dad and now these are popping in my head: What is it called when you are made fun of in a dream?

Sleep Deprecation

I gave up my dream of becoming an organ donor

I didn’t have the heart for it

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Peter is on a trip to the Vatican with his church

At arrival, they are told that today is a special day and they will get the opportunity to meet the Pope

Peter is vey excited, because meeting the Pope is one of his biggest dreams. Everyone lines up next to each other, gitty with excitement, but there is at hush over the crowd as the Pope en...

What do you call it when the medieval warrior's horse has a bad dream?

A knightmare.

I keep dreaming that I am made out of car parts.

I am always tired, and wake up exhausted.

I told my wife I had a dream that in a previous life she was Chinese...

... She told me that was impossible because she has never been Wong.

So this guy asks the girl of his dreams to be his date for the prom and she says “Yes.”

So the guy is very ecstatic and wants to make a great impression...

So he goes to the flower shop to buy a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a corsage but the line is very long and he has to wait over an hour to buy the flowers. But he wants to make a good impression so he waits and gets the f...

An old man's dream

"I dream to be the president of USA just like my school friend." an old man said.

"Who is your friend , Biden or Trump ?"

"Neither. His name is Kanye West"

"But he is not the president of USA"

"Correct, he dreams to become the president."

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I was dreaming about having diarrhea and then I woke up.

That's when shit got real.

If I meet the man of my dreams,

I hope he doesn't know about my dreams.

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A Man Walks Into a Car Dealership

A man walks into a car dealership and sees the car of his dreams.

He walks up to it, and gives it the whole over/under but can't find a price listed anywhere on it.

He runs his hands along the door and when he does, he accidentally lets out a loud fart. He looks around quickly to see i...

Finally got into Harvard University! Its a dream come true!

So good to have a parking spot!

The Young knight and his pipe

A young knight was nervous about his upcoming meeting with the king.

He went to the wise man, and told him of his worries, and the old man presented him an ornately designed pipe to give to the king as a gift.

"Wise master, I am confused. Why is it you suggest that I give him this beau...

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

What do High Schoolers dream about?

Dream? They don’t even sleep!

My fiance is talking about having a dream wedding...

Thank God it's a dream, I did not want to attend

I met the woman of my dreams!

She's imaginary.

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

Two guys drinking at a bar..

Guy 1: Do you know my father is a doctor?
Guy 2: wow! My father is a doctor too!
Guy 1: Phillip is my last name!
Guy 2 [excited]: Omg! My surname is Phillip
too!
Guy 1: Am 23 years old
Guy 2: what? Get out of here [laughing], am also
23 years old..
Guy 1: Don't tell me that ...

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream

He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."

Putin asks, "Why blue?"

Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."

A man walked into a psychiatrist room

He said,"I had a dream. It went like this:

I was walking on a road, and suddenly, beep beep beep beep beep beep..."

After ten seconds, the psychiatrist asked the man nicely to stop beeping. The man, however, went on.

After half an hour, the psychiatrist is tired of asking for th...

Hannah and Max are talking during recess...

Max finds Hannah really pretty. Thinking he's old enough for a girlfriend, he decides to try to flirt with Hannah.

"I just remembered, I had a dream about you last night!", Max did not, in fact, have a dream about Hannah last night.

"Oh, really? Was it a nice dream?", says Hannah, clea...

A woman goes to her doctor complaining of strange dreams.

"I keep dreaming that I'm peeing on nickels, dimes, and quarters," she tells him. He runs some tests and then tells her that everything's fine, that she's just going through her change.

I went to my psychiatrist the other day

I said hey Doc I keep having this recurring dream and it’s got me really frazzled , one minute I’m a tepee and the next I’m a wigwam, next minute a tepee and then a ... stop right there he said, I know exactly what’s wrong with you. Your two tents

I just had a nightmare where I was ugly.

But I just woke up and looked in the mirror, _dreams really do come true!_

I had a dream I was floating in a sea of Orange bliss.

Too bad it was only a fanta sea.

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

I had a horrible nightmare last night

I dreamed that I was attacked by a ship of undead who were nothing but bones.

Fortunately, there weren't very many of them. It was a skeleton crew, after all.

My dad just told me that slumber prices are at an all-time-high!

Seems his dream house is gonna to have to wait.

I had a dream in which I was completely surrounded by naked women.

I came full circle.

Never in my wildest dreams I thought that

I would wear a mask to bank and ask for money

Trumps personal assistant: „Hey Mr. President, All will be good! I had an awesome dream last night!“

T: „Oh really!? Tell me!!“
A: „There was a big parade in Washington with a hell of people celebrating your presence! Millions of people yelled out of joy when you passed them on the road, bands were playing, kids throwing confetti in the air! It was the most epic celebration ever been held in Was...

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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

I had a dream that i was rich.

i was so relieved when i realized that it was just a dream. I didn't wanna be an homeless like my friend Rich.

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I had a dream that I was having sex with a chicken in an elevator...

It was wrong on so many levels.

This is a joke from a dream last night, apperantly my brain conjured it up on the spot... let's see how well it works

John, a young farmer, was engaged and would soon be wed to a young woman from a nearby town. One day, his soon-to-be father-in-law stopped by for a chat.

“John,” he said, “I have a secret. I am actually a powerful genie! And since you seem like a nice young man, I will grant you three wishes ...

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I told my therapist about my reoccurring dream where I crash my car because it’s missing the pedal that helps me stop

He said he thinks I need a brake

I recently pursued my dream career of becoming a very successful plagiarizer.

I tried, but I didn't make it.

I would love to get paid to sleep....

It would be a dream job.

German Dream

We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."

People are always telling me to live my dream...

... but I don't **want** to take an exam I haven't studied for...

My dream came true when I was asleep

Time to change my pants

Jeff Bezos worked long, difficult hours for little pay to fulfill his lifelong dream...

...of making other people work long, difficult hours for little pay.

I keep having this recurring dream when I’m riding a horse...

It’s been six nights on the trot.

A proctologist quits his job

A proctologist decides he is tired of practicing medicine and quits his job to pursue his dream of being a car mechanic. He enrolls in a trade school and subsequently takes the final exam.

He passes the exam with 150 points over 100. Because of this irregularity, the trade union decides to in...

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Johnny is a sponge

One night a mother and father get into a heated argument.

"You bitch!" Screams the dad.
"You're a selfish prick" the mom replies.

Their little boy Johnny pipes up with "what do those words mean mommy and daddy?" Thinking quickly the dad says "I was just calling your mother a lady, ...

Run-down Farm

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's wo...

What do my dreams and my girlfriend have in common?

They're just a figment of my imagination...

I Finally married the woman of my dreams...

And then I woke up.

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Dreams are like pictures...

Unless I’m in it or somebody is having sex, I don’t give a shit about yours.

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!"


Always Tolkien in their sleep...

I had a dream

It was summer 2021.

A new gut virus had spread like a pandemic.
We were on the beach wearing diapers
and thought to ourselves:
those masks in 2020 weren't that bad.

I finally fulfilled my dream to become a half-cyborg!

It did cost me an arm and a leg, though.

A senior West Wing staffer told Trump he had a dream

In that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.

"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.

"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

Never going to fulfill my aspiration to become a plumber

Guess it was only a pipe dream

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

I had a dream that I was eating marshmallows...

...and when I woke up, I discovered I'd chewed my pillow to bits. I'm feeling okay, all things considered. Just a little down in the mouth.

In my history class my professor was talking about the American dream.

He asked the German kid if they had a German dream. He responded "Well, we did but no one likes it."

I've been having dreams about being in an alternative rock band

must be all that R.E.M. sleep I've been getting.

I got tired of chasing my dreams

I told them go where ever and I would meet up with them later.


\-Mitch Hedberg

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