Had a dream the ocean was orange soda.

Turns out it was a Fanta sea.

Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.

I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.

In my history class my professor was talking about the American dream.

He asked the German kid if they had a German dream. He responded "Well, we did but no one likes it."

My dream is to eradicate all Cancers..

And then I can work on Libras..

I had a dream about mufflers..

..I woke up *exhausted*

10 years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

I told my wife it was a lifetime dream of mine to become a politician.

"I'm all for it," she supported.


"You are?" I asked, surprised. "How so?"



"Well, look where it got JFK."

i have a dream

i dream of a better future a future where chickens can cross the road without being asked why

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After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister having sex.

suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.

She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”

I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed.”

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I thought I’d found my dream job as a male prostitute

But it turned out to be a pain in the ass.

Asked my dream girl out today, and she was entertained by the idea!

She just started laughing at me...

My dream is to make 300K, just like my dad

Does he make 300K? Not really, but he has the same dream

I had a dream last night

I was eating giant marshmallows, when I woke up my pillows had gone.

What do you call it when you have a dream about a horse in the dark?

A nightmare

Last night, I had a dream that I wrote the Lord of the Rings books.

My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep.

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My lifelong dream was to fuck a clown...

...I finally did IT

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

Why do they call it the American Dream?

Because you have to be asleep to believe it.

RIP George Carlin. He died 11 years ago yesterday.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says:

“I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.” Putin asks, “Why blue?” Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one."

Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth.

Then I snapped out of it.

Did you watch the movie about dreams?

I heard it was a sleeper hit.

What starts with m and ends with arriage and is a mans dream

Miscarriage!

Ah the joke never gets old, just like the baby.

People are always telling me to follow my dream.

But when you've been arrested for stalking and need bail money, they're nowhere to be found.

Communism is a timeless dream

So one night I was having a weird dream. I was transported into a communist USA, and everything looked completely different. I lost an item important to me that kept track of time with sand and saw someone across the street that had it.

I told him, “ Sir, that is my glass”.
<...

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Had a weird dream last night.

I had died and met St.Peter at the Pearly Gates and he told me to go to room 101.There I will receive my punishment for all the sins I had committed in my life.I opened the door and to my amazement saw my good friend,Bob,making love to a fat,ugly woman.I shook my head and went back to see St. Peter....

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Dave walked into the office, starting his lines with: "Hey guys, I had a weird dream last night"

"God himself asked if I want to improve my memory, but my dick size decreases, or the other way around, to-"

This is where I had to stop him.

"Dave, stop. You told us this story yesterday"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

it is my dream to create a performance entirely based on puns about invertebrates

and it will be called 'a play on worms'

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

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Just remember that you can do whatever you want and be who you want to be. No one can stop you from fulfilling your dreams.

Unless you live in Russia. Then you can only do what Putin lets you do.

Edit: Guys, a few black vans just showed up at my house. I'm scared.

Edit2: Holy crap there are more! They're starting to get out of the vans. I think they're armed!

Edit3: They're coming in! I don't know ...

Only good thing to have come out of my accident and becoming paraplegic is realising what my dream job is

Stand up comedian

My wife told me her dreams were in vivid, but weird colors.

I told her it was just a pigment of her imagination.

Where can you find the woman of your dreams?

Abroad.

I keep having this recurring dream about a horse wearing a suit of armor.

Actually, it may be more of a knight mare.

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

I had a couple bad dreams last night about a Korean Boy Band

I think I might have BTSD

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

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Why do we call it a wet dream,

Instead of a snorgasm?

A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.

Without a moment’s hesitation the mother pointed t...

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A man wakes up one morning and tells his wife "I had an unusual sex dream about you last night."

"What was unusual about it?" she asks.

"Well, for one thing we were actually having sex."

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

Had a dream a horrible coworker came back to work. I woke up worried about it possibly coming true.

Then I remembered I also dreamed my wife and I had intercourse. So that means the entire dream was improbable.

A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night."

"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested.

"Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets."

"Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited.

"Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked ...

I aced the interview for my dream job and now i just need to pass the drug test

I'm gonna nail this too I do so many drugs

I almost married the girl of my dreams.

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold t...

Schools are always telling you to "follow your dreams..."

But my teachers never let me sleep in class.

My wife and I are finally planning a trip to San Francisco for my life long dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.

She said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”

I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

I had a dream that I was sleeping.

You can imagine my disappointment when I woke up to find it wasn’t real.

What’s your dream job?

Well, in my dreams I don’t work.

So I’m about to go to prom with the girl of my dreams.

On the day before the dance I went to the flower store to buy her flowers. The line getting into the store was sooooo long, but I waited to get flowers anyway.

Later that day I went to the limo rental store to rent a limousine for the dance. The line getting into the store was soooooo long, b...

After many faithful years as a Christian, John's dedication finally paid off as he found himself the girl of his dreams.

At the wedding he walks over to his best friend for advice.
"Hey man! What is it that I'm supposed to do when I get her all alone after the wedding?"
"Ah, that's simple. You just take your most prized-possession and stick it in where she pees."
"Ah! Thanks dude!"
"No problem!" ...

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A Japanese man flew to Amerika to be with the girl of his dreams that he had met online.

He arrived at her parents house and rang the doorbell. When her father opened the door, the Japanese man bowed and introduced himself.

"My name is Hieto Sazukawaskawa and I am here to sleep with your daughter."

The fathers eyes grew wide and he asked in disbelieve.

"You are he...

I keep having this terrifying dream about sausages chasing me

It's basically my wurst nightmare

Recently my dreams are noticeably more colourful than usual.

I think it's more than just a pigment of my imagination.

Ryu, do you think I can make my dreams come true?

Ryu: SHORYUKEN!

I asked my wife if she would let me live my dream of having a threesome.

At first she was extremely hesitant about the idea of letting another woman into our bedroom.

Eventually, after much persistence, she decided that she would be open to the idea of another woman—but on one condition.

She had told me that she was not interested in the physical aspects of...

Sweet dreams...

Sweet dreams are made of cheese

Who am I to diss a brie...

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My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”

Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”

She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”

Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”

Sh...

I just had a terrible dream. In a dystopian future, robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Good thing my alarm woke me up.

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I had a disturbing dream last night in which I was shagging my best mate up the arse.

I think it's my subconscious telling me he's gay.

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying,

Hello dying I am dad.

I had a dream someone came in my apartment last night

When I got up, the door was still locked but I can’t figure out what all this sticky stuff is.

Never let a disability get in the way of your dreams.

Just look at Beethoven. Everyone said he couldn’t be a musician because he was deaf. But did he listen?

Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true...

Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.

I had a bad dream last night about a horse running in the dark...

...I think it was a night mare.

A woman named Patty Black finally gets her dream job at the bank

She is told to handle loans, but to get the manager is the loan was strange or asking for an excessive amount of money. After an entire day of nobody approaching her, somebody asks for her attention. It takes her a while to realize, but it is a frog in a suit sitting on the chair in front of her boo...

A man goes to see his psychiatrist because of a dream he keeps on having.

"Every night I go to sleep I dream of a group of cats playing soccer in my backyard," The man says. "I don't know what it means... I lover soccer, but I hate cats."

"Well," said the doctor. "I'm not sure what your dreams mean, either. But if they're bothering you so much, I can prescribe yo...

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Cockroaches are a lot like my dreams.

Everyone wants to crush them.

My dream is to be recognised as one of the best stand up comedian ever!

Shame I’m in a wheelchair

My girlfriend woke up and said “I’m mad at you! I just had a dream that you were hitting on college girls!”

I could tell she was really upset so I hugged her, then looked in her eyes and said “Oh sweetheart you have nothing to worry about...I don’t dig smart chicks”

Told a German exchange student about the American Dream.

Afterward I asked if him if Germans had a dream like that. He said "We used to but nobody liked it"

My dream is to create a bioengineering startup that solves world hunger by developing a self-replicating noodle

Laugh now, but one day you're going to see my Copy Pasta everywhere.

I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle...

But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around...

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

All of my wet dreams are nightmares

I call them scream and creams

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So in 2018: my love left me, my dream is likely unreachable now, my future plan is shit and I have $15 in my bank account...

My life fits this sub so well.

Trying to find the girl of my dreams...

...But I struggle because I'm an insomniac.

(Not OC)

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO...

... After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies,...

My friend had a dream of studying birds native to coastal regions before he died.

It's honestly really sad he never got to accomplish his Sea*goals*

Had a exciting dream last night.

Really kept me on the edge of my pillow.

Do androids dream of electric sheep?

Yes, but it takes a lot of ram.

Before marriage : "I see you in my dreams."

After marriage : "ICU, in my dreams."

The American dream:

To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$

My dad told me this one

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A young boy asks the girl of his dreams to prom.

She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Just the sight of her turned his stomach into a butterfly exhibit and caused his heart to melt through his chest. She was the sweetest, funniest, and nicest girl he had ever met. She was truly an angel. However, as is the case with most guys when try...

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Just lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams

It was a very good dream.

I had a dream, Tim Cook was America's president.

But you just can't compare Apples to Oranges.

My girlfriend dreamt that I had a threesome with my other two girlfriends...

God damn, it feels amazing to know that she believes in me.

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