Woman stopped me at the station and said for twenty bucks she'd do things my wife would never dream of ...

I gave her twenty bucks and she ironed three shirts.

I met my dream girl at the morgue

but she didn't warm up to my advances.

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a first date.

Today I finally asked her to marry me. She said “no you creepy weirdo”, both times.

I had a dream I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram

I was like 0mg

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Last night I had a sex dream that was so realistic

When I woke up all my money was gone

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Just had a dream that reads like a joke.

A guy had an accident that severely hurt his penis, and was recovering at the doctor's office.

Doctor: "Your situation is very serious. I'll have to bring in a specialist."

Patient: "What, a surgeon?"

D: "No, a flute player."

P: "A flute player?! Why?"

D: "They'll ...

My girlfriend dreamed...

Yesterday my girlfriend dreamed that I was unfaithful, so I cheated on her because I want to fulfill all of her dreams.

Landed my dream job at a guillotine factory

Will beheading there tomorrow

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Met the woman of my dreams last night; Tall, long blonde hair, beautiful face, perky boobs and a huge blue cock with a snake's head at the end.

I have some fucking weird dreams.

I dreamed last last night that I was making pancakes whilst driving along a twisty road

I tossed and turned all night

Sweet dreams are made of cheese.

\-Who am I to dissabrie?

Girls advice: work harder to achieve your dreams, anything is possible

Boys advice: *the elites don't want you to know this, but the ducks in the park are free. You can take them home as pets*

A rabbi and a priest are discussing their dreams

"I dreamt of the jewish heaven the other night" says the priest "It was horrible, a slum overflowing with people! It was chaos, I tell you, all the people talking and walking around! And making so much noise... Thank God I woke up from that nightmare!"

"Interesting" says the rabbi "The other ...

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What can I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute half the government and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part" says Stalin.

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

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I had a dream that my favourite Porn star died...

...and l wike up with a mourning wood.

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Told my ex I had a wet dream about her last night

She fell off a cliff and I pissed myself laughing

Can we fix the American Dream?

No. The warranty expired after one generation.

Three guys share a bed

In the morning, the guy on the left says he had a dream about getting a handjob. The guy on the right says he had the same dream.

The guy in the middle says, "Oh that's weird. I had a dream that I was skiing."

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

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I saw a toilet in my dream and peed in my bed

Now I am pissed

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Did you hear about the woman who finally achieved her life long dream of working as a dildo tester?

People said she didn't have it in her, but she does.

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

Last night I had a dream where I drowned in an ocean of soda.

Actually it was more of a Fanta sea

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

Bad dream

A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.

Doctor : what seems to be the problem?

Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.

Doctor: for how long?

Guy: must be a weak or so.

Doctor: okay, we'll solve this ...

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

I had a dream (true story) that I was watching YouTube videos on how to turn large animals into cars.

Taxidermy.

A professor dreams that he steps on a rusty nail

After waking up, he puts a bandage on his foot. At work another professor notices the bandage and asks about it. After hearing the explanation he says: "That is exactly the kind of thing why normal folks think academic people are nutty. Why on earth did you go to sleep with bare feet?!"

I once had a dream where I was in an ocean full of orange soda.

Actually no, it’s not a dream.

It’s more of a fantasy

Ever have a dream that you are eating a gigantic marshmallow...

And wake up with your pillow missing?

Three men approach a wishing well one after another

The first, wishes to have one million bucks. Instantly, he is now in ownership of one million wild deer. He sets up a venison business and makes millions

The second wishes for his ex-wife to fall for him again. She instantly trips while thinking about him, and on the way to the hospital, he m...

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

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I finally fulfilled a life long dream and had sex with an Asian girl!

It was really good, but two hours later I was horny again....

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I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.

He said, “You have to try to relax, It looks like you’re two tents.”

I had a dream I turned into a young chicken and had trouble changing back to being a human.

Luckily, I was able to pullet off...

A man finally gets the girl of his dreams

After she yes to dating him, he’s so ecstatic he takes her to the mall to go shopping. And after a few minutes of shopping, he notices the line for the cashier stretched long, around the mall. But he’s too excited to care for long.

Next his girlfriend suggests lunch, which both are quite hung...

dream

Chatting with my colleagues, my colleagues said: I once had a dream of owning a house of my own when I was 30 years old. I asked: Has your dream come true? A colleague said: half achieved. I asked curiously: how is it half? A colleague said: I am thirty years old.

A guy said to his psychologist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I‘m having strange, recurring dreams that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!” The doctor said,

“Relax, you’re two tents.”

A wise man once told me to never give up on my dreams.

That is why I keep sleeping.

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I got in trouble for something I did while my girlfriend was dreaming

Apparently it’s not ok for me to have sex with her friend , even if she’s sleeping

I had a dream about a breath freshener left on my pillow.

I ate it and it tasted like a fig. Then I woke up. Guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination.

Dreams

An older couple are laying in bed one morning and the wife said “I had a dream I was in Walmart.”

The husband said, “I had a dream I was naked with three women.”

The wife asked, “Was I there?”

Husband replied, “No, you were in Walmart.”

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Wife and Husband Dream

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away for free."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pr...

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she sa...

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

A pizza had a bad dream

It was a night marinara

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A guy has a dream about pissing into his laundry bin.

The man wakes up, startled to find out that he has in fact pissed himself in his sleep. Frustrated, he cleans himself up. As he throws his dirty clothes and sheets into the laundry bin, he thinks to himself: "well there's a silver lining. Dreams DO come true."

What do you call a Tylenol with great dreams for the future?

Aspirin'

I told my son to have sweat dreams, but he started crying

He has diabetes

My mom said to follow my dreams

So I went back to bed!

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

A man spends his days studying archeology at university, and his nights dreaming of someday finding a girlfriend.

No matter how hard he tried, he could never master the techniques of dating.

Eventually, his professors had to fail him.

Dreaming is the easiest thing ever

I can do it in my sleep

During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background. So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.

Turns out he was asking what's behind me on our Zoom call.

When the pope was visiting America

He told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, ...

My girlfriend said she had a dream where I cheated on her

So I went out that night and picked up a girl at the bar. I want to make all my girlfriend's dreams to come true

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit."

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived hoppily ever after.

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A man wakes up next to his wife one morning. He asks his wife if she had any dreams that night

"Well, I dreamed I was at an auction for cocks," the wife replied. "Really big cocks got bids of $100, and the tiny ones got bids of $10."

"Oh yeah? What did mine go for?" the husband slyly asked with a wink.

"Pfft, it didn't get a single bid," replied the wife.

The husband grum...

"What's your dream job?"

\-"Well, in my dreams, I don't work."

Old man here,

I've lived my life.

But when I was young man, I dreamed of sleeping with a strange woman every night.

I just didn't think it would be the same one.

After a long, unlucky life, a woman saved up enough money to go on her dream vacation: backpacking around Europe.

One night she got back to her hostel late. Quietly, she snuck into the big communal bedroom and made her way to her bunk. She prepared for bed as she did every night; she sat and gently removed her prosthetic leg. Setting it aside she massaged the stump; it was sore from so much walking. She pulled ...

I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before

It was just a pigment of my imagination.

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

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A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

I had a scary dream last night.

I dreamed that I woke up dead.



I was so scared I was beside myself.

I almost had a wet dream last night. Very embarrassing...

Time to take matters into my own hands.

My wife made up this joke in a dream and woke herself up laughing...

Q: How do you tell the difference between a Golder Retriever and a Dalmatian?

A: You get down on the floor and spin them around real fast. One of them is yellow and the other one is gray.

If you keep following your dreams...

They’re going to file a restraining order.

After Covid is over, I’m going to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.

My wife said, “What would you do when you finally see it?”

Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

Sentient meat

2 Aliens meeting on their starship after a scan of the solar system:

Are there any lifeforms in that solar system

Well it's difficult to really explain

What do you mean

They're made out of meat.

Meat?

Meat. They're made out of meat.

Meat?

There...

What is the sushi chef's dream car?

rolls rice

Future is shaped by your dreams.

So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.

I kept having these crazy dreams where I woke up covered in Tyre tracks...

My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'

It was my childhood dream to become a painter...

ever since my doctor first told me I was artistic.

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Two brothers Matt and John go camping in the woods

When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realize they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home. They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Matt wins and so they both climb in their sleepi...

I once dated an Italian woman, who haunts me in my dreams to this day...

...she’s a real gaba-ghoul.

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her biggest dream was

She replied "fuck you"

So I'm pretty excited today

I had a dream where I was attacked by 6 naked women.

Sounds strange dozen tit?

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From an old cowboy who frequents my watering hole (hopefully not too country for y'all)

A woman from New York dreams of one day exploring the wild west. After a year of saving and pinching pennies she finally has enough money to make her dreams come true.

After an exciting three weeks she returns home and meets with her girlfriend for drinks.

Her girlfriend asks "How wa...

What is Banana short for?

Barack O'Nana


I said this joke in a dream and it's awful but I needed to get it out of my head

My favourite part is that it doesn't even work if you read it in a north American accent lmao

I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.

It was an auto body experience.

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A man and his dreams

A black man with anemia finds a genie in a bottle and gets 3 wishes.

"I want to be white, have enough blood and wake up between the legs of a woman"

"Ok, wishes granted"

ZAPP

He wakes up as a tampon.

I had a dream last night that I was fighting an erection.

I was able to beat it off single handedly

German Dream

We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."

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As a child, my wife wanted to become a mechanic for National Express but never followed that dream, which is a shame.

I'd love to see her under a fucking bus.

Missing Wife

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing." The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?" "A month," the man replies. "Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well," says the man, "until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."

Jones is asleep in his bed and in his dream

... he hears a voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!“

Jones wakes up thinking “That was a weird dream” and goes about his day. The next night, he hears the same voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!”

After the third night with the ...

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I was dreaming about having diarrhea and then I woke up.

That's when shit got real.

I told my doctor I wasn’t sleeping well. I told him that sometimes I dream that I am a wigwam, and sometimes I dream that I am a teepee.

He said, “Well there’s your problem, you’re too tense.”

What do you call a dream about paint?

A pigment of your imagination!

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Professor: April, you are failing my class.

April: Oh, Professor. My parents will be so mad. I’m sure we can fix this. I’ll do annnything to pass.

Professor: {gulp} anything?

April: YES! Anything you can dream up.

Professor: Will you…… study?

Cat's playing football

A man went to the doctor and told him:

"Hey doc, every night I see this dream where a bunch of cats are playing football"

The doctor replied, "hmm, this is weird"

The man said: "Yeah, what should I do?"

The doctor answered: "OK, you should skip sleeping tomorrow, and then...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

Three guys were camping together

And they all had to share a tent, sleeping side by side.

They go to bed, and when they wake up, one of the guys said, “I had the weirdest thing happen last night. I had my first wet dream since I was a teenager.”

Shocked, another one of the campers spoke up. “You know what? I also had...

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

Some only dream of cake

Others bake it happen.

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

My Dreams

I've given up on so much anti-smoking campaigns are jealous of my success

So, an astronaut dreams of spending a Little over a day on Mars...

It is his Sol endeavor.

Two poor men dream of going to America

They hear of American food and how great it is and, in particular, the hotdog.

So they work hard and save their money for many years before finally traveling to America. Upon arriving, they immediately run off the boat and to the nearest hotdog stand. Eagerly, they throw their money at the st...

The lumberjack

Delbert lands his dream job. He gets hired on as a logger. On his first day, the boss man takes him out into the woods, gives him his chainsaw, and says "Usually, our guys can cut down about 100 trees a day. Its your first day, so I'll understand if you're a bit short. Now get to it."

And wit...

I gave up my dream of becoming an organ donor

I didn’t have the heart for it

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

My fortune cookie said my dreams would become reality

Great...



So, I'll be in my underwear at school, late for a class I can't find, and my teeth will fall out.

Thanks, fortune cookie.

Baseball Dreams

Doctor: What did you dream about last night?

Patient: Baseball.

Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?

Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

If you die in a dream

A scout master is wrapping up scary stories around the campfire.

One kid asks “Is it true if you die in a dream, you die in real life?”

“Oh no, not at all.” replies the scout master.

All the children sigh in relief.

“On the other hand, if you pee in a dream...”

Why did God create women?

Because hopes and dreams don't crush themselves.

What did the Detroit Lions fan say when they won the super bowl?

“Why, why did you wake me up? I was having such a nice dream!”

My friend had a long life dream of studying carbonation in soda. After many years of schooling, he accomplished his dream...

...he became a licensed Fizzyologist.

I keep dreaming that I am made out of car parts.

I am always tired, and wake up exhausted.

I told my wife I had a dream that in a previous life she was Chinese...

... She told me that was impossible because she has never been Wong.

So this guy asks the girl of his dreams to be his date for the prom and she says “Yes.”

So the guy is very ecstatic and wants to make a great impression...

So he goes to the flower shop to buy a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a corsage but the line is very long and he has to wait over an hour to buy the flowers. But he wants to make a good impression so he waits and gets the f...

I often have wet dreams...

of becoming a scuba diver.

Ding ding ding

So this woman tired of the norm puts an ad in the newspaper for a husband. It says, "He must never beat on me, he must never follow me when I go out with friends and he must be amazing in bed".

The next day her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man in a wheel chair with no arms and...

my favourite Norm joke as told on his first Letterman appearance

So I had this dream today, you ever have this dream, and then you wake up, right in the middle of a great dream, and then you're back in the middle of your stinkin life again?

So then you try to fall asleep - redream it. Man that never works. Always end up with some weird mutation of your ori...

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

What do High Schoolers dream about?

Dream? They don’t even sleep!

My fiance is talking about having a dream wedding...

Thank God it's a dream, I did not want to attend

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