I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before

It was just a pigment of my imagination.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream

He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."

Putin asks, "Why blue?"

Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."

A proctologist fed up with his job decided to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a diesel mechanic.

He decides to enroll in a course at the local community college to learn the basics. He’s a talented student. Before he knows it, he’s acing all of the paper exams and quizzes.

At the final evaluation, the proctologist is asked to apply what he learned by completely disassembling, rebuilding,...

I have a dream

Well I had a dream, but I woke up and forgot it

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!"


Always Tolkien in their sleep...

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My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

My mom told me last night that she had a dream where I only spoke using 90's song lyrics.

All I could say is "How bizarre, how bizarre"

I had this weird dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram...

I was like 0mg!

I had a dream that I was burnt alive

It was terrifrying

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

I thought I'd finally bagged my dream career making thermometers.

Turns out it was just a temp job.

Last night I had a dream I was being chased by a bottle of vodka

It was an Absolut nightmare

A man is riding a motorcycle down Pacific Coast Highway, living the dream, when all of a sudden the clouds start to form...

...he pulls over. Out of nowhere he hears a booming voice from above: "My son, you have lived a life of virtue, one that I would be proud of, ask me of anything and I will grant it."

Astounded the man thinks for a minute then says: "Well I wish that I could ride my bike to Hawaii. I wish ther...

What would you call the American Dream if he had an old electric piano?

Dusty Rhodes with a dusty Rhodes.

Bad dream

I had a bad dream that i was homeless. I was so happy when i woke up because i have 10 more years to serve my sentence.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

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Keep the dream alive,

hit the snooze button again.

I trained myself to have lucid dreams every time I go to sleep.

It’s exactly what I imagined it to be.

I have been working on my dream project 18 hours a day despite several threats from a large corporation that I work for. Until one day ..

They decided to fire me for SLEEPING during work hours

"ITS ALIVE, ITS ALIVE!!!" - Frankenstein's dream

A necrophilliac' worst nightmare.

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins?

Because half of them are coppers.

I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda...

Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.

I was so close to buying my dream car, I just had one final question for the salesman

“Cargo space?” I asked

After a second of confusion, he replies: “Car no do that. Car go road.”

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I had a dream that my wife's breasts were made from solid mahogany.

That would be wierd, wooden tit?

My mom won't support my dreams of becoming a bean farmer...

I wish she would just let me work in peas.

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My dream came true

I pissed myself

I had a dream I was swimming in a sea of orange soda.

It was my Fanta sea.

A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that he had a dream...

In that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.


"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.


"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

I had a dream last night that there was an ocean filled with soda

It was a fantasea

I've been staring at topless models all day, just dreaming

But sadly, I can't afford the diecast convertible cars at the moment

This Fall, I’m finally going to fulfill my lifelong dream of visiting San Francisco and seeing The Golden Gate in person.

My wife said, “What will you do when you finally see it?”

Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

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(A character in a dream told me this joke) This dude calls his vet and says "My dog ate one of my Viagra and has had an erection for more than four hours, what should I do?"

The vet replied, "Did you try to manually induce ejaculation?"

The guy goes, "Yeah I tried but I couldn't get hard because my dog ate my last pill!"

A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away."

"Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked.

"Why?" the doctor inquired.

"Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied.

Juan Ken always dreamed of becoming an obstetrician but when he finally made it he couldn't decide on what people should call him.

His two choices: OB Juan, Ken OB

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

Good morning! Coronavirus was just a bad dream!

Happy April Flus

last night I had a dream where I was eating the worlds largest marshmellow

then I woke up and said "hey wheres my pillow"

If you ever see a toilet in your dreams...

...don't use it !

‪I was passionately following my dreams.‬

They felt threatened, and filed for a restraining order. ‬

‪Now I’m not allowed anywhere within 200mtr of their presence. ‬

Guy goes to his psychiatrist and says, "Doc you gotta help me. I keep having these dreams, one night I'm a teepee, the next night I'm a wigwam; teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! I'm going out of my mind! Doctor says, "I know what your problem is." Guy says, "What?"

"You're two tents."

The reason it’s called the American dream

is because you have to be asleep to see it

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

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3 guys have a sleep over

3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl wa...

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I dreamed I died and went to heaven with you.

When we arrived to heaven, there were clocks everywhere, as far as the eye can see.

We stopped a passing angel and asked them to explain the clocks.

"What's with all the clocks?", I asked.

The Angel responded that they each represent a person on Earth. They keep track of how muc...

I once had a dream that my parents didn’t love me

Then I fell asleep

Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date... Today I asked her to marry me...

She said no on both occasions.

Who says dreams don’t come true??

Have you ever peed in your dreams??

It’s always been my dream to change my names to prized and be so famous and loved that I get knighted by the queen.

But if all that actually happened I’d be sir prized

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Every night I have a recurring dream that my best friend is sucking my dick.

Should I tell him that he’s gay?

A man was driving along a country road when he looked next to his car and saw a chicken was running alongside his car

The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph. He thought, "Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?" So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.

"This can't be right.", the man thought. "No chicken can run this fast." ...

What was Stevie Wonder and Emperor Palpatine's favorite thing about dreaming.

Visions of the dark side

A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation

to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?" The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the dr...

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

Margaret Thatcher appears to Boris Johnson in a dream...

"Privatise the NHS and paint the Houses of Parliament green!" she says to Johnson



Johnson looks confused; "Why green?"



Thatcher smiles, "I knew you wouldn't object to the first part"

What do you do with your sheets after a wet dream?

Another load.

My 7 year old's first comeback line

My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes.

We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said - oh I really w...

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find ...

I had a dream last night that I was mauled by a bear.

It was pretty grizzly.

I was at a local bar last night when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed

I was at a local bar when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it.

I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dre...

A father’s dream

— So as I was saying, my dream is to earn 70 grand a month just like my father.
— So you father earns 70 grand a month??
— No, it was his dream too.

I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla.

Why did Freddy Kruger kill Martin Luther King?

Cause he had a Dream.

German Dream

We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

A man goes to a psychiatrist due to a reoccurring dream...

He says to the shrink, "Sir, I've been dreaming that I wrote "The Lord of the Rings", night after night. What could this mean?"

The doctor ponders for a moment and says, "You've been Tolkien in your sleep."

You should never EVER give up on your dreams!

That's why you should keep sleeping!

A couple decided to get married after only dating for a few weeks

As they came to the bedroom to consummate the marriage, the husband looked into his wife’s eyes:

&nbsp;

“Honey, I haven’t been completely honest. I am a golf addict. I think about golf all the time, I dream of golf and every chance I get I’m going to go and have a round.”

&a...

A cop just handcuffed a dude for a misdemeanor, waiting for back-up, when the offendant asks him...

O: “Did you always dream of becoming a policeman?”

C: “Actually no”, he replies. “I’ve always wanted to be famous on the internet.”

“No way!”, the guy says. “Same here, what a coincidence. So what stopped you?”

C: “I’m not sure, I guess I just never figured out how to get into t...

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

I sacrificed everything to pursue my dream of being an archeologist...

And now my life is in ruins.

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

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I dreamed that my friend Dietrich was shoving hotdogs up my ass

It was my wurst nightmare

I'm tired of following my dreams

I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.




(I used to miss Mitch. I still do, but I used to too.)

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”



My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my ...

I've been watching far too much television lately.

My dreams have adverts in them now.

Harvard University

I guess my dream is finally coming true. Among many people who applied for Harvard University,they chose me to be the janitor.

What kind of dreams do hydro electricians have?

Wet dreams.

Shocking, isn't it?

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A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming,...

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Mr. Becker was a cantankerous old Farmer

But he owns some best Land in the valley for Deer hunting. People had asked permission to hunt on his land forever and always ended up hightailing out of there to escape the barrage of expletives hurled at them and a potential for a dusting of rock salt out of his shotgun.

My buddy Cory an...

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road

and not be
questioned about their motives.

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

Having gone through seven years of medical training, my friend got fired from his dream job for one minor indiscretion: sleeping with a patient.

Nice guy, terrible Vet

A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.

H: "Honey, even if I really turned into a zombie, I will never eat you."

W: "Aww...."

H: "The doctor told me to cut down on fatty food"

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I had such a strange dream last night...

everything was reversed. Vegans were eating meat. Christians were having un-married sex. Bodybuilders were fat and eating junk food. And the weirdest of all I was getting laid.

Doc...I had a dream two nights ago I was a pop up tent and last light I dreamt I was an Inflatable Tent. What does it mean????

Well Bob I would say you need to relax...you're just two tents.

A boogie board was abandoned in a man-made lake.

Days or maybe even weeks go by without it interacting with anyone or anything.

It drifts mindlessly around, because no one is there to direct it. It starts to day dream about a time where it wasn't alone in a glorified pond.

A few more weeks go by of this boring life, when it suddenly ...

I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armour....

Actually it's probably more of a Knight Mare

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

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A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

Three Guys Go On a Skiing Trip...

Three guys go on a skiing trip but can only find a cabin with one bed, so they all decide to sleep together.

The next morning:

Guy on the right, “I had the strangest dream last night that somebody gave me a handjob.”

Guy on the left, “ I also had the strangest dream that somebod...

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that h...

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A woman is having an interview for her dream job

Coming to the end of the interview the person interviewing her asks “so what would you say is your biggest weakness?”

The woman replies “probably my honesty.”

The interviewer says “well hang on that can often be seen as a really big positive!”

The woman says: “I don’t give a f...

I met my dream-woman last night.

Then I woke up.





*Note: This really happened.*

Once upon a time there was a great wizard.

His name was Theaddus.

He had helped solve many people's problems.
People rewarded him for his help.
With all this money he had bought many talking items to spend his time with.

On one of his trips he had found the perfect item for a loner like him. A staff made of fir.

It...

For all you men dreaming of elaborate ways of hooking up with an Instagram model, all it took me was a good dinner date....

Just some food for thot.

What is a snake’s favorite school subject?

Hisstory.

I came up with that in a dream last night, hope it’s OC.

Lifelong Yankees fan fulfills childhood dream...

....being diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs disease

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Have you heard about the guys who's alarm prevented him from having sex in his dream?

He got clock-blocked

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

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After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister having sex.

suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.

She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”

I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed.”

Why was the man at the cookout so happy?

He met the grill of his dreams.

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A circus is looking for new acts so they place an advert in the local paper

A few days later the circus' agent gets a phone call. "Hi I'm Jeff!" says the caller "I saw your advert and it sounds like my dream! I think I'm definitely talented enough to be in the circus!"

"Well ok Jeff, tell me about yourself, what's your skill?" says the agent

"I can skateboard!...

I had a nightmare last nigh

I dreamed I was Dolly Parton's baby and she was bottle feeding me.

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