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My Cake Day - My Favorite Joke - Everybody Knows David!

Everybody knows Dave!

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, ...

Before coffee....Hating everybody.

After coffee.....Feeling great about hating everybody.

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Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

I don't know why everybody is mad at Cyberpunk2077

The release date has always been in the title....

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

Everybody knows about my secret crush!

To avoid electronic traces or recognition of my hand writing I used a medieval-style printing machine with letters and ink to print love letters to my secret crush.

Unfortunately I slipped one day and slammed my face into the machine.

Now everybody knows about my secret crush; it’s wri...

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There is a school for kids with superpowers, but the new kid is different from everybody else

A kid asked him

"What's your power?"

The new kid responds

"I can predict the past."

"That's memory you fucking dumbass."

Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes

[removed]

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A bus full of Catholic school girls crashes and everybody dies

At the Pearly Gates they line up, and Saint Peter declares they must be washed of their sins before they can enter into Heaven.


“Have you ever felt a man’s penis?”, he asks the first girl.
“Only with the tip of my finger”, she says. So, Peter tells her to bath her fingertip in ho...

Everybody loves the iPhone X, XS and 11 Pro...

Because their top notch

Everybody wearing masks at Walmart like it's no big deal,

but suddenly I'm the weirdo for adding tights and a cape.

What does everybody in the world get for their birthday?

Older

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

I know my wife loves me and all, but I don't think she needs to tell everybody.

Just yesterday, when the mailman arrived at our house, she rushed downstairs yelling, "My husband is home! My husband is home!"

Everybody says that Americans are the dumbest

But I personally believe it’s the people that live in Wisconsin.

When I was young everybody believed in me

The doctor saw in me a potential physician

The teacher saw in me a potential professor

The chef saw in me a potential cook

The priest saw in me a potential partner

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Oh no, there’s an imitator of that new game that everybody’s playing these days...

...There’s an impostor Among Us!

I threw a surprise bukkake party for a girl friend of mine.

Everybody came. You should have seen her face.

An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.

He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.

"Did you see my face?"

"Yes"

BANG, he shoots him.

He ...

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Everybody is a gangsta

until a Cockroach walks in and starts flying.

They say everybody deserves a second chance

I'd be ok if I was given at least the first tho

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Just so everybody's clear...

I'm going to put my glasses on..

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

What did the dermatologist say in prison that made everybody confused?

“I don’t want to breakout”

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A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum a yells "who the fuck fucked my wife!".

Everybody's silent for a second, then a guy in the back of the bar says "you havent got enough bullets mate"

A Linux user, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar....

I know because they told everybody there

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Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

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Why does everybody say Big Brother is watching everything you do and will inform on you?

It's Little Brother that does that shit.

Why does everybody hate tinnitus

Because theres a bad ring to it

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

I'm not afraid of getting Alzheimer's because it's like being famous.

You don't recognize anybody, but everybody recognizes you.

'Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth.' - Mike Tyson

And after that, everybody's a gangthter.

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My girlfriend always tells everybody that I have a dick like a baby.

I think it’s nobody’s business that it’s 40 centimetres long and weighs 5 kilograms

Its OK to make mistakes, everybody does!

My parents are a great example, they made me

One Sunday morning, an old lady headed to church late..

... because she couldn’t find her hearing aid.
As she was late and did not want to be noticed, she sat in the back, next to a teenager.

The pastor began his preach. To have an example for what he was preaching, he asked, “Everyone who has committed the sin of adultery, stand up.” The old ...

I respect everybody

no matter if they're Asian, African or normal I respect everybody.

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Guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan meets him and tells him he’s got to pick between 2 rooms. They go into the first room, and it’s full of people standing on their heads on a marble floor. He takes him to the second room, and it’s full of people sitting in an 18-inch deep layer of shit, drinking coffee. Guy figures that he like...

Dark humor is like clean drinking water.....

.... not everybody gets it.

A little old lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, rea...

Remember everybody used to say "go big or go home"

Now everybody's like "go big but stay home"

This is the first mistake everybody is going to make in 2019

Edit: \*2020

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

Everybody had a name.

Except

I want to change my hair like everybody during this quarantine.

I think I'll grow my bald spot out!

My work replaced our regular toilet paper with single ply. Everybody hates it...

...Its really tearable.

.

.

part credit to Amb_33 (thanks).

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Nuns at the pearly gates

A group of nuns were in a coach, driving high up on a mountain, when all of a sudden the coach swerved off the road and went over the side of the mountain, crashing below and sadly killing everybody inside.

The nuns now found themselves waiting outside the pearly gates, which opened and showe...

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Duchess

It’s my cake day, so here’s a joke for everybody. My dad told me this joke, but I haven’t seen it any other places:

A man goes on trial for calling the Duchess a pig. The judge finds him guilty of slander and explains that if he ever calls the Duchess a pig again he’ll be severely punished. T...

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident Happened.

So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"

The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."

How was it like, flying for the first time?

"I think I did quite well. Everybody in the room was clapping", the second mosquito said.

Everybody knows that wizards can see dementors and muggles can’t, but what can muggles see that wizards can’t?

Whatever’s *behind* the dementor!

It was cool being an introvert till the government started telling everybody to do it.

Now I wanna go outside.

A guy enters a bar with a gun

A guy enters a bar with a gun and shouts "who slept with my wife?". Everybody stays silent. The guy repeats louder "who the fu*k slept with my wife?". Suddenly someone from other side of the bar answers "you don't have enough bullets"

Mexican olympics

Why is mexico never winning in the olympics

Because everybody who can already jump, swim and run are in the us.

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

Since everybody has now started washing their hands,

The peanuts at the bar have lost their taste

My wife asked me if I'd like to spend the evening at home or go play a game of bowling.

So I told her that putting my fingers in sweaty holes where everybody had been before wasn't what I had in mind for tonight. And we went play some bowling.

A clown goes crazy and starts murdering everybody with a cast-iron skillet.

Don't get the joke? It's deadpan humor.

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Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?

"Thanks for the warning, officer."

EVERYBODY pay attention to 0x55!

This means U!

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So there was this guys who just loved his bike very much, he'd just put vaseline on it everytime it rains.

His girlfriend told him that she wants him to meet the parents, but the one rule they have is that nobody speaks over dinner and who ever does must do the dishes.
So the man goes over there and everybody is silent so he just starts kissing and making out with his girl right on the dining table, h...

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A bunch of Two's walked into a bar and everybody hated on them for no reason.

Did I say two's? Sorry, I meant Jews.

Why are the gates of Heaven guarded?

Because everybody’s dying to get in.

I was walking down my street the other day when I realised everybody's drives were full, as well as all the on street parking

Looks like an outbreak of car owner virus

A bus gets in to a terrible crash.

Everybody inside dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates of Heaven, God is there to greet them. He says to the first person, “Before you get in to Heaven, I can grant you one wish.”

The first person in line says, “Well, I wish I was pretty.” God then grants this wish and let’s her in to Heaven...

Everybody said wearing gloves and a mask os enough while going to the grocery

They lied, everybody also had their clothes on

A gunman walks into a bar

He yells "FREE SHOTS FOR EVERYBODY!"

A drunk walks into a church...

...during mass and sits down. The priest is bothered by his presence and says to everybody:

\-The drink is a terrible vice, so much so that a drunk man will never reach salvation. If any of you is inebriated, I ask you to stand up.

The drunk man does, looks around to everybody sitted a...

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

Everybody keeps saying I'm needy but I'm not.

I'm wanty.

Why does everybody want to go for a ride with Mando?

Because he's got the *beskar* in the galaxy.

Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

News Flash

**A Jewish guy goes into a confession box.** **"Father O’Malley," he says, "My name is Aaron Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire l...

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If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…

I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.

Everybody has an angle at which they look bad or unflattering.

Mine, for example, is 360°.

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

First rule of the vegan club!

tell everybody about the vegan club!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

Everybody knows of Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong, will. But have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's usually just finely shredded cabbage.

Eating Competition

There was an eating competition between an American, a British, and a French. Whoever could eat 10 large pizzas by himself would win the competion and make his country proud.

Everybody was betting on the American, Johnny. Let's just say the guy had a good appetite. When Johnny was trying to ...

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

"Why?", Putin asks him.

"Ah, I can't find myself with these times."

"I fly to another city, call home and everybody's asleep."

"I last woke up 4 in the morning, but thought it was only evening."

"I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday, and she tells me s...

One time I hosted a Halloween party and everybody had the same costume

The invisible man

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A busload of catholic schoolgirls goes over a cliff. Everybody dies.

They're lined up at the pearly gates, and St. Peter is interviewing each girl in turn.

"Have you ever been impure with a boy, Caroline?"

"Yes, sir. I *looked at* a boy's privates once."

"Well, then. Go rinse your eyes in the Holy Fountain over there. Then come on in. Welcome to...

A weird, infuriating thing that happened to a friend of mine.

So a friend of mine was on the downtown bus the other day and, nice guy that he is, he gave up his seat for an elderly woman that got on after him. I guess she was really old too. She had a cane and everything. But then suddenly everybody else on the bus got mad at him for it. They started yelling a...

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

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The Three Challenges

**TL;DR:** Jokes don't have TL;DRs.

A man named Andrew walks into a bar, makes his way to the stool and asks the bartender for some Whiskey, on the rocks.

As the bartender serves Andrew his order, his eyes fall on a relatively large jar of money filled with $100 bills. He gets curious...

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

Bob is retiring

After 40 years of balancing our company's chequebooks and working his way up the corporate ladder to CFO, it was finally time for Bob to retire. Everybody loved Bob, so we wanted to make his retirement party special.

Bob was a bit of a wine connoisseur, so we needed to find him a great bottle...

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Ryebread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him 'how do you have so much energy?'

The 87-year-...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

The lion, king of the jungle, was very bored.

The lion, king of the jungle, was very bored. He gathered all the animals of his kingdom and said:

"Each one of you must tell a joke. The joke must be funny enough to make everybody else laugh. Otherwise, I'll kill the one who told the joke."

The monkey was the first animal who had to ...

Merry Christmas everybody!

One day four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the re...

Caught in a Wind Storm

“A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.



She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it co...

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I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

Everybody don't want sam to sing

But samsung anyways.

Always remember to brush your teeth everybody

Wait this is the UK

Sand Castle with Grandma

Today, I made sand castles with my grandma, but for some reason, everybody freaked out and called the cops on me.



Next time, I'll do it away from the cremation center.

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright?

You can tell everybody this is your song.

It’s funny how 100 years ago everybody had a horse and only the rich had a car, but now everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.

H: "Honey, even if I really turned into a zombie, I will never eat you."

W: "Aww...."

H: "The doctor told me to cut down on fatty food"

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An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

Everybody wants to be like Santa

work one day of the year and spend the rest of the days judging people

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Everybody hear about the new “Divorce” Barbie coming out for Christmas?

She comes with all of Ken’s shit too.

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I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.

I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.

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A college student walks up to a farmer asks:

"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.

Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"

The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."

"Wel...

Everybody keeps telling me I have small handwriting.

But I just don’t see it.

Everybody seems to like cats on Reddit.

Maybe it's because they sort by mew.

To everybody that takes black jokes so seriously...

Maybe you should lighten up a little.

A group of robbers burst into a bank and line everybody inside up against the wall.

They then proceed to take anything of monetary value from the people. Among those about to be robbed are two bank accountants.
Suddenly, one of them thrusts something into the hand of the other.
“What’s this?” He whispered.
“It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”

Little Timmy went to school for the first time.

At school, a kid told him that if he wanted to earn money from everybody around him, all he had to say was “I know the whole truth.”

Deciding to test this, when he returned home he told his mother, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother immediately shoved ten dollars at him and said, “Do...

Everybody thought I wouldn't do a good job of being an usher at my brother's wedding.

I guess I put a lot of people in their place.

A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...

As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.

"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"

"Linda," the wife replies meekl...

SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY, a woman called her husband's lifelong golfing buddy.

"What's the matter ?" asked the friend.
"It's Sam," she said. "I don't know where I went wrong."
"What do you mean ?"
"I was cleaning out Sam's closet," the wife explained, "and I found several boxes with miniskirt blouses and pantyhose in them."
"So?"
"But they aren't mine- and when...

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

What do you call a woman who speaks on behalf of everybody?

Miss Representation

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

I hacked everybody and I have collected all PIN codes! Here's the list

 

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Sailor has some balls

Two Generals of the Army and Marines are joined by an Admiral of the Navy around a campfire off the landing zone doing shots of rye whiskey when someone calls out and asks who’s got the most balls.

The Marine General goes all right and says, “Marine,” over the radio, “I want you to take that ...

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A Story from the Old West

Scene: The old west, in a Saloon, somewhere in Dodge City or Tombstone, AZ or the like....


A old man bursts through the doors and starts shouting "Everybody, y'all better clear out o' here.  Big John's a comin' to town!!!"


Everyone in the saloon jumps up knocking over table...

An Engineer goes to Hell.

The first thing he notices is, it's awful hot. So he goes and checks the A/C system, and notices a missing belt. He replaces it, and soon it's a cool 78F.

The next thing he notices, is that all the TVs are showing nothing but static. He checks the satellite dish, and sees it's misaligned. He...

HR

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR director was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven", said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a prob...

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

Mahatma Ghandi, as everybody knows, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet...

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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