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Everybody Jokes

What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

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I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

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What has six balls and screws everybody?

The lottery.

To everybody that takes black jokes so seriously...

Maybe you should lighten up a little.

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

Not everybody thinks Cleopatra is beautiful

But that's how Julius Caesar.

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Everybody Knows Dave, The best joke on my cake day

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

Everybody needs to lay off the criticism of that Titan submarine guy and give him a break.

He’s under a lot of pressure right now.

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Joe Bamboozle knows everybody (long)

Ed and his friend Joe Bamboozle were walking along. They're passing by the signs for the big Taylor Swift concert.

Ed says that he would have loved to get a ticket to the show, but the very worst seat was way out of his price range.

Joe Bamboozle said "Oh, hey, no problem. I know Tay...

Everybody got sick after my party.

They blame me, since I am the German.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes

[removed]

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

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Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?

"Thanks for the warning, officer."

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to Heaven....

The Lord comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done, the next time The Lord looked, the women ar...

My wife tells everybody she sleeps with a strange man.

Yet every night there's only the two of us in bed.

A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the b...

Little Timmy was told that everybody has a secret.

Little Timmy was told at school today, that everybody had a secret, so dark that they would do anything to keep it a secret.

So he decided to test this out.

He went to his mom and looked straight into her eyes and said : Mom I know your secret.
And without a moment passing his mom b...

Everybody keeps telling me I might have aphantasia

But I don't see it

Just so everybody's clear...

I'm going to put my glasses on..

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

Everybody is trying to make Harambe jokes, and they are all really bad...

But I'm going to take a shot at it.

Everybody wants to save the earth;

nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

Why does everybody hate America so much?

Because America doesn't murder its critics.

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?

You say, “O.K., everybody, it’s time to get out of the pool!”

A circle walks into a bar. The bartender sees him, and waves, then shouts to the whole room, "another drink for everybody - on this guy!" Everybody in the pub cheers.

But the circle is not happy. Frowning, he marches up to the bartender. "What the eff, dude? Why are all the drinks on me?" , the circle angrily demands of the bartender.



The bartender replies, "hey, don't get mad, circle buddy. It's just ... you're round!"

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Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic..

When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

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If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…

I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.

An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.


He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.


"Did you see my face?"


"Yes"


BANG, he sh...

Happy 2's Day Everybody

Because today's date is 2/22/22 and its a Tuesday!!

Everybody picks on me because apparently my “memory is so bad”

But I cannot remember the last time I forgot something.

A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.

She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.
She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed."
The nun...

100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars

Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses

Oh how the stables have turned

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Sweet dreams are made of cheese

Who am I to diss-a-Brie? I cheddar the world and the feta cheese, everybody’s looking for Stilton.

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

My sister just announced that she’s pregnant, everybody.

Can’t wait to see if I’ll be an uncle or an aunt.

I threw a surprise bukkake party for a girl friend of mine.

Everybody came. You should have seen her face.

Ever since everybody started washing their hands...

The peanuts at the bar have lost their flavour.

Before coffee....Hating everybody.

After coffee.....Feeling great about hating everybody.

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

I respect everybody

no matter if they're Asian, African or normal I respect everybody.

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When my wife was pregnant, everybody caressed her belly, congratulating her.

But nobody fondled my balls and said: "good job!"

Everybody said I must be an insecure, small man to try and marry multiple people.

I think they're wrong, I think it's big-o'-me!

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

Everybody call me ugly until they saw my wallet.

They call me ugly and broke.

Why does everybody hate oysters?

Cause they are shellfish.

Everybody had a name.

Except

Everybody laughed when I told them about my Invisibility Serum

If only they could see me now!

A Crossfitter, a Vegan and an Atheist walk into a bar....



I only know because they told *everybody* within two minutes of walking in.

A mother is on her deathbed...

A 90 year-old mother is on her deathbed. Summoning her last bit of strength, she lifts her head and whispers: "Is my beloved husband John here with me?" And John says, "Yes, I am here."
She then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes Moth...

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Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

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Everybody is a gangsta

until a Cockroach walks in and starts flying.

Everybody does it

A man died and went to heaven. He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. "Why all the clocks?" St. Peter answered "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh" said the man, "Whose clock is that?"........ "That was Mother Teresa's. ...

Merry Christmas everybody!

One day four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the re...

At a party last week my wife got very drunk and told everybody she invented the echo.

I said to her "listen to yourself"

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Everybody Poops

Show me a man that doesn't pooh, and I'll show you a man that is full of shit.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

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A bus full of Catholic school girls crashes and everybody dies

At the Pearly Gates they line up, and Saint Peter declares they must be washed of their sins before they can enter into Heaven.


“Have you ever felt a man’s penis?”, he asks the first girl.
“Only with the tip of my finger”, she says. So, Peter tells her to bath her fingertip in ho...

Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

My 2 year old walks around shouting "Weed" at everybody...

What can I say, she loves books.

Someone put the Twix out of reach of everybody.

So I thought to myself: "That's raising the bar a bit too high."

Everybody says that garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing.

But I've never paid $25 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

This is pretty tame for me, but i can see how it might offend some, hence the NSFW tag.

Everybody asks howitzer.

Nobody asks whoitzer.

In Germany everybody is panic buying sausages and cheese.

Apparently it's the wurst käse scenario.

Its funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

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A busload of catholic schoolgirls goes over a cliff. Everybody dies.

They're lined up at the pearly gates, and St. Peter is interviewing each girl in turn.

"Have you ever been impure with a boy, Caroline?"

"Yes, sir. I *looked at* a boy's privates once."

"Well, then. Go rinse your eyes in the Holy Fountain over there. Then come on in. Welcome to...

I don't know why everybody is mad at Cyberpunk2077

The release date has always been in the title....

I'm sure everybody knows what brand of tires Van Gogh used.

Good Ear, of course.

Getting Alzheimer's is like being famous because you won't recognize anybody, but everybody will recognize you...

Plus, if there's just one positive from getting Alzheimer's... It's laughing at the brand new jokes in this subreddit all day, everyday!

Why does everybody hate tinnitus

Because theres a bad ring to it

Everybody has been reading about the fight today

Except Floyd Mayweather.

Everybody loves the iPhone X, XS and 11 Pro...

Because their top notch

When I was young everybody believed in me

The doctor saw in me a potential physician

The teacher saw in me a potential professor

The chef saw in me a potential cook

The priest saw in me a potential partner

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

They say everybody deserves a second chance

I'd be ok if I was given at least the first tho

Always remember to brush your teeth everybody

Wait this is the UK

Its OK to make mistakes, everybody does!

My parents are a great example, they made me

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

Why’s a graveyard the safest place in quarantine?

Everybody’s 6 feet away

Everybody seems to like cats on Reddit.

Maybe it's because they sort by mew.

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

When I...

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.

After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another ...

I heard about this little village in Africa where everybody is dying of thirst...

So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

How did Igor find out that he was different than everybody else?

He always had a hunch.

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Success is like being pregnant

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you were fucked to get there

That song "everybody talks" by neon trees is offensive to mute people....

And you'll probably never hear about it.

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Everybody was making fun of my friend at a party

Everyone was making fun of my friend at a party I went to over the holidays. They all kept going into graphic detail about how they saw him fucking a dead dog by the railroads the other night. I mean they were really laying into this guy, and you could tell that he was starting to get really embarra...

A man asked his fiancé, "how many guys have you slept with?".

The woman looked away to ponder for a few seconds, and then she looked back at him with a smile.

"Oh honey. You're the only man I ever slept with." She replied.

"Really?"

"Yes really. Everybody else kept me up all night."

Everybody wants to be like Santa

work one day of the year and spend the rest of the days judging people

Everybody got SO mad when I kicked the pregnant woman

Apparently it's only cool when the baby does it.

I put my pants on the same way as everybody else

Not at all because Zoom calls only see the top of the body.

What does everybody in the world get for their birthday?

Older

Everybody keeps saying I'm needy but I'm not.

I'm wanty.

Doctor, everybody’s ignoring me!

Next patient...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

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"The only time I relax is when I'm processing all the horrible shit everybody pressures me into dealing with," I told my therapist.

"AITA?"

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