UPJOKE

Imagine If Jokes

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten percent and it lasted for eight days..

Congratulations. You understand Hanukkah.

Could you imagine if Steve Jobs first name was blow

His current business model would suck.

Hey, imagine if there was something you could put in your body that could let you see a whole new layer of existence and change your perception of reality?

Bro, that would be dope.

Imagine if Elon Musk got married to Bill Gates and took his name...

Yeah no, you're right... 'Elon Gates' is a stretch.

Imagine if jesus had been born a Siamese twin...

...it would have been the perfect double cross!

My friend looked me dead in the eyes and went "Imagine if you were half horse."

"You would be the centaur of attention."

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That's the punch line.

Imagine if people started calling DPs as PPs (short for profile picture)

"OMG your PP is so cute!!"

"Your PP sucks, change it asap"

"Drag and Resize your PP to fit the frame"

Can you imagine if none of the midwives showed up for a birth?

That would be a midwife crisis

Imagine if we started replacing 'i' with 'li'

It would be lit.

Imagine if lightning hit a sub-station

The results would be electrifying

Imagine if roosters laid eggs.

So many dad yolks at our disposal.

Imagine if there were a pill you could take that let you fly, but the side effects gave you cancer

Cancer cases would skyrocket

Imagine if honey was regurgitated through a bee’s nose rather than it’s mouth

Then it really would be the bee’s sneeze

Imagine if the Titanic had a lisp.

It's unthinkable.

Imagine if you could use wood for breast implants

That would be great, wooden tit?

Imagine if the entire humanity worked towards discovering time travelling.

We would get it in no time!

Imagine if Apple sold apples?

The price would make me go bananas.

Imagine if a serial killer would name themselves The Suspense

Everytime they kill someone, the victim would say "The Suspense is killing me".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine if they made an amusement park called Sex Flags

It would be a fucking roller-coaster

Imagine if you hit your alarm clock in the morning and it hit you right back

That would be truly alarming

Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday-

Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 minutes then leaves.

Imagine if people referenced the Beach Boys more often!

Wouldn't it be nice?

Imagine if everyone in the world woke up covered in random bruises...

There would be mass contusion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine if the Indians gave the pilgrims a donkey...

Then we'd all get a little ass for thanksgiving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Imagine if Hannibal was a university professor

I'd love to go to a Hannibal Lecture!

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

Just one kiss, please

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her doorstep. As they were about to wish each other goodnight,the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, said to her,

“Honey, would you give me a kiss?”
...

Dog attack

A guy limps up to a bar. "What happened to you?" the bartender asks. "On the walk over here I was attacked and bitten on the leg by this giant dog," the guy says. "Oh, no! Imagine if it had been a small child!" the bartender exclaims. "Well, I think I could have fought off a small child, Gary," the...

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