I finally figured out why my girlfriend hasn’t been talking to me recently

I don’t have one

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

I just figured out why USA is about to ban abortion (dark)

That's to have more targets for their school shootings

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On our first date, she said she always thought the dick in a box gag was funny. I figured I'd try it out a couple of dates later, but before I could even open the box, she screamed...

..."Why the fuck are you proposing so soon?!" and ran away.

Who figured out that 7 ate 9?

4 and 6

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this wou...

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

I figured out why ski resorts are so funny.

They're hillareas

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The Indian salesman

A young guy from India moves to the US and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was an insurance salesman back in India ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the Australian figured out what the button on the toilet was, it was not a g'day.

In fact, it was a ... bidet.

I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.

I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

I figured out why the right opposes an infrastructure bill;

the're afraid that if they take the lead out of the water no one will vote republican.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain

On the left side there’s nothing right and on the right side there’s nothing left

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Figured out how to make my dick 12 inches.

Fold it in half.

I found a recipe for Morrocan rolls online.

They looked good, so I figured I would make them. The recipe called for some fresh thyme, but mine was slightly expired. I figured it would still be good because it was only one week expired. It was good, so I figured I would get some fresh thyme the next time I was at the store. I made it with the...

My seven year old figured out Easter this year

He said “The Easter Bunny isn’t real dad. It’s really a man dressed as a bunny that hides eggs in your house”

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something...

A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.

The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"

The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

Just figured out that ghosts are . . . . .

people who died trying to fold a fitted sheet.

A guy walks up to a woman at a bar.

He flirts with her. He makes
small talk, but the woman insists she isn't gonna go home with him.
Guy says, "What if I offer you $1 million to sleep with me?"
The woman's never had a million dollars in her life. She stops and considers the offer very seriously.
The guy changes his mind...

I finally figured out why Donald Trump is orange.

He lives in a Fanta Sea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I figured what I'd get my ex for Christmas...

Just sent her a bunch of dildos. Now she can go fuck herself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll.

One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman sa...

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting:

Which girls are single.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

Did you ever hear of the Cannibal who figured out how to clone humans?

He's so full of himself.

I figured out my best joke during a wet dream

It just came to me.

Yesterday, I looked in the fridge and figured I had enough milk to last to the end of the year.

Today, I'm not so sure.

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A guy buys a dog...

... from a reputable breeder. The breeder assured him that the dog would hunt birds, and retrieve waterfowl.
So the guy takes the dog duck hunting, he shoots one, the dog jumps in and starts to sink. The guy has to go get him. He figured it might have been a fluke, so he tries again, same results...

I just figured out how to solve two of the worlds biggest problems

Get the hungry to eat the homeless

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

I finally figured out what I’m going to be for Halloween:

Fat.

I figured out why I’m so tired!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the w...

A man had bandages on both ears

His friend asked “what happened to your ears?”

The man said “I was ironing my clothes and then the phone rang so without thinking I pressed the hot iron to my ear.”

“Oh no that sounds terrible! But then why do you have bandages on both ears?”

“Well the burn was quite painful so ...

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

A good-natured conspiracy theorist wakes up and realizes that he's died in his sleep and gone to heaven...God appears and says "welcome my son, as a reward for your virtuous life, I can answer one question for you about any topic you'd like with absolute certainty..."

The man thinks for a second and asks God "who actually killed JFK?"

God's eyes roll back in to his head for a minute while he scours the divine historical record. After a moment, he returns to normal and says "Lee Harvey Oswald."

The man replies "Wow! This goes way deeper than I though...

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT AMNESIA IS!

oh wait I forgot

My son grabbed some coins from his mother's purse and swallowed them.

We weren't sure how much he actually swallowed at first, but we finally figured it out using the process of elimination.

A nun and a priest were crossing the desert on a camel..

They were almost half way across when the camel began wheezing, and hacking, and coughing up blood. Before long the camel collapsed dead underneath them. The two stood for a while in the blazing sun, and the priest finally broke the silence by saying, "You do realize sister, that it's only a matter ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Psychic's advice

A woman went to a psychic and found out she was going to live to be 100!

She figured if she was going to be around that long, she may as well look her best. She got the works! Face lift, boob job, nose job and looked amazing!

After her final procedure she got hit by a bus and died....

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

They make wrist watches, and pocket watches. I finally figured out why they don't make belt buckle watches:

It's a waist of time.

I'll take this down if people want me to. I don't know where else to post this, so I figured here is ok. How do you get to Germany?

You go straight down the road and take the 3rd Reich.

I finally figured why Trump decided to wear a mask!!

Some one told him it was made from Ivanka's underwear.

I figured out why the term is "urinate"

it's because if you wait until it's a urine-ten, then urine trouble!

Figured out my million dollar idea. It’s a shampoo specifically for men’s genitalia. (nsfw)

I’m calling it Head And Boulders!

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

A man became an avid golfer.

So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.


As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very...

I just figured out that my toaster is not waterproof.

I was shocked.

I saw an old lady being mugged by several men while walking home today, I figured I better go and help!

She was a tough old broad but in the end we got her purse.

Banta the Furniture dealer



Banta, a furniture dealer from Ludhiana, decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Chennai to see what he could find.


After arriving in Chennai he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Lud...

My wife and I figured out a way to play poker with Uno cards

Total game changer

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

A wealthy Saudi man comes home one day and finds his two wives fighting about which one he loves more.

As he tries to reassure both of them that he cares for them equally, one asks “if we were all out on your yacht and it started sinking, and you could only save one of us, which would you save?”

The man ponders for a moment, turns to the other wife, takes her hands in his, and says “my dearest...

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