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Figured Jokes

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

I’ve figured out where all the dad jokes are stored.

In a dad-a-base.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

Who figured out that 7 ate 9?

4 and 6

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just figured out why I'm a virgin.

It's because my conjoined twin is really ugly.

Guys, I just figured out how to walk thorough walls!

Doors

I figured out my iPhone is woke.

It can spell “misogynistic.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

adam and eve finally figured out the whole sex thing...

afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.

god asks "son, where's eve?"

to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."

god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."

They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...

They didn't install the driver.

After 7 years of marriage I figured this out that....

... it's all "psychological".

There is one psycho and there's one logical.

I just figured out why airlines are having staffing issues.

The whole crew keeps taking off!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I figured out who is responsible for all the penis drawings in the bathroom stalls

It was Dick Tracey

I like the way my friend Sam's mustache looks, so I figured I'd say something nice.

I don't understand why she's mad at me over a compliment.

I finally figured out Donald Trump

You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN.

I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

I figured it how to become a millionaire by taking stock advice from Reddit!

The catch is that you have to start investing when you're a billionaire...

I finally figured what those Zs on the Russian tanks stand for.

It means "Zelensky's"

I figured out why orgies were so popular in ancient Rome.

For starters, you need four people to LXIX.

I figured out why hurricanes are named after women

When they come they’re wild and wet but when they leave they take your house and car with them.

I just figured out why USA is about to ban abortion (dark)

That's to have more targets for their school shootings

After how few of you have upvoted my jokes, I think I figured out the problem.

I'm not very funny.

I don't know how my wife figured out I was into some kinky stuff...

But she had me pegged from the start.

I just figured out that my toaster is not waterproof.

I was shocked.

I figured out why ski resorts are so funny.

They're hillareas

I figured out why I’m so tired!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Figured out how to make my dick 12 inches.

Fold it in half.

I figured out why the right opposes an infrastructure bill;

the're afraid that if they take the lead out of the water no one will vote republican.

My seven year old figured out Easter this year

He said “The Easter Bunny isn’t real dad. It’s really a man dressed as a bunny that hides eggs in your house”

I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of “many”

It means a lot

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT AMNESIA IS!

oh wait I forgot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m back with another shitty joke again!! Alright so I just figured out why Teslas are so damn expensive…

It’s because they charge A LOT xD

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting:

Which girls are single.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I figured what I'd get my ex for Christmas...

Just sent her a bunch of dildos. Now she can go fuck herself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

I figured out how to use the coin press.

It finally makes cents now.

What do women say to guys with big wieners?

Figured you wouldn’t know.

I figured out why the term is "urinate"

it's because if you wait until it's a urine-ten, then urine trouble!

Someone figured out my password

Sucks, now i gotta rename my dog

I used to be into sadism, bestiality and necrophilia!

But then I figured I was just flogging a dead horse.

I finally figured why Trump decided to wear a mask!!

Some one told him it was made from Ivanka's underwear.

Just figured out that ghosts are . . . . .

people who died trying to fold a fitted sheet.

Doctor - I finally figured out why your pain isn't going away. Even though these medications are called analgesics

They are supposed to be inserted in your mouth.

It’s my cake day today so I figured I’d try out a cake joke!

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

Doctor: Next time, take off the candles

I finally figured out what I’m going to be for Halloween:

Fat.

I figured out the ending of Joker

It's the names of the people who worked on the movie.

Today I figured out how to make my own lipstick.

That was when I thoughtlessly chewed on a tube of super glue.

It's my cakeday, so figured I'd tell this joke (game grumps told this joke)

What is a Jedi's Favourite Italian dessert...

OBI WAN CANOLI

When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear.

After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I figured out Trump is actually a communist

When he said "grab them by the pussy" that's the head of state seizing the means of production.

I've done it... I've figured out how to turn invisible!

Hi! Do you have five minutes to help save the children?

What do you call a wolf that has things figured out?

Aware wolf.

Did you ever hear of the Cannibal who figured out how to clone humans?

He's so full of himself.

A buddy and I went out to grab some dinner, figured the protestors in Ottawa would be ecstatic we were exercising our freedom.

Turns out they were quite unhappy with the man-date.

I figured out why Trump's Russian pee tape never surfaced...

It was streaming service only.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally figured out my wife's favorite time to have sex:

Tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally figured out why everyone keeps buying toilet paper

Because according to the WHO, the shit just hit the fan

I finally figured out the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea.

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

I figured out why my male colleagues look so old.

We have a manager.

I figured out how to talk to girls

Just walk up to them and press A.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Australian figured out the button on the toilet did, it was not going to be a g'day

In fact, it was the start of a bidet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I figured out why homosexual men are called gay

Imagine how happy you'd be having a meaningful conversation and sex with the same person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

Figured out a safer way to travel

I’m carrying my own home made bomb with me now.
Chances of having TWO bombs on a plane are much lower!

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

My wife and I figured out a way to play poker with Uno cards

Total game changer

I figured out why they call them “step goals”

You don’t love them as much as your real goals

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