Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain

On the left side there’s nothing right and on the right side there’s nothing left

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The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something...

A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.

The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"

The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."

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So I figured what I'd get my ex for Christmas...

Just sent her a bunch of dildos. Now she can go fuck herself.

I finally figured out why Donald Trump is orange.

He lives in a Fanta Sea.

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting:

Which girls are single.

Yesterday, I looked in the fridge and figured I had enough milk to last to the end of the year.

Today, I'm not so sure.

Did you ever hear of the Cannibal who figured out how to clone humans?

He's so full of himself.

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking thi...

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT AMNESIA IS!

oh wait I forgot

I finally figured out what I’m going to be for Halloween:

Fat.

The CEOs of Miller, Budweiser, Cours, and Guinness walk into a bar

The CEO of Miller says to the bartender, "I want the best beer you have, a Miller Lite."

"Oh no," says the Budweiser CEO. "Your head is on backwards. Me, I'll have the king of beers, a Budweiser."

"I'll have the only beer brewed with Rocky Mountain spring water," chimes in the Coors C...

I figured out a way to kill two birds with one stone.

You tell both the lovely ladies they each look 7 pounds heavier.

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

I figured out why the term is "urinate"

it's because if you wait until it's a urine-ten, then urine trouble!

Figured out my million dollar idea. It’s a shampoo specifically for men’s genitalia. (nsfw)

I’m calling it Head And Boulders!

My wife and I figured out a way to play poker with Uno cards

Total game changer

I finally figured why Trump decided to wear a mask!!

Some one told him it was made from Ivanka's underwear.

I figured out why I’m so tired!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the w...

They make wrist watches, and pocket watches. I finally figured out why they don't make belt buckle watches:

It's a waist of time.

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer are sentenced to death by the guillotine

The lawyer will be executed first. He is taken to the guillotine, the priest blesses him, and he puts his neck on the scaffold. The executioner releases the blade, which falls and stops halfway.

The priest, taking advantage of the opportunity, immediately says:

\- Gentlemen, God did...

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

Today I figured out how to make my own lipstick.

That was when I thoughtlessly chewed on a tube of super glue.

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

I saw an old lady being mugged by several men while walking home today, I figured I better go and help!

She was a tough old broad but in the end we got her purse.

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

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Goodbye Grandpa

A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't kn...

I'll take this down if people want me to. I don't know where else to post this, so I figured here is ok. How do you get to Germany?

You go straight down the road and take the 3rd Reich.

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I confessed to my wife that I’ve been masturbating with her body wash

I figured it was time to come clean

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After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845

One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater.

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The woman by the lake...

So, this morning. I went for a walk at the park. Not a run, just a nice leisurely stroll along the lake. As I was walking on the path, I saw a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench and she was crying.

I was trying to be nice and felt bad for her, so figured I’d see if she wanted t...

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

I was chatting to a girl online and she said her parents were monkeys. I figured she had to be lying.

Then I saw her face, now Imma believe her.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

I figured out why Trump's Russian pee tape never surfaced...

It was streaming service only.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

A scientist figured out a way to freeze time.

It involved having to perform special exercise, because

the planks constant.

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

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Tom did like he always does....

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.


"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked. ...

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There is a smiling security guard in the bathroom at the strip club i go to... [Long]

Night or day doesnt matter, you go in and he just stares you down while you’re using the pisser with the biggest smile on his face.

Ive tried talking to him several times but he just stands there and smiles like the queens guard or some shit. I figured i would test him a bit and see what i c...

I figured out how to control the weather.

Whenever the wind does something I want it to do, I reward it.

Whenever it does something I don't want it to do I punish it.

Eventually the wind learns to do what I want it to do.

I call it "air conditioning".

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

Billy Bob parked his rig in Florida for a few days before driving back home. He was about to dive into the surf but figured he'd better check out the alligator situation with the townsfolk. "Nope, no gators here," a local as- sured him.

Billv Bob had swum out 50 led before his
brain kicked in again. "Hey. how come there
ain't no gators in here?" he yelled back to the
guy onshore.
"Because they're afraid of the sharks," came
the reply.

I just figured out that my toaster is not waterproof.

I was shocked.

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I finally figured out a method that works to make my penis 8 inches long.

I folded it in half.

I've done it... I've figured out how to turn invisible!

Hi! Do you have five minutes to help save the children?

I tried to remarry my ex-wife

but She figured out I was only after my money.

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

An asteroid might hit the Earth next month, and I figured out why everyone is collecting toilet papers

Because paper beats rock.

I always figured I would grow to be a drag show performer/drag queen

because my mom tucked me in every night at bedtime * grow UP to be a drag queen

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so ...

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

What do you call a wolf that has things figured out?

Aware wolf.

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I finally figured out why everyone keeps buying toilet paper

Because according to the WHO, the shit just hit the fan

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