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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

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I can't remember, is "buttcheeks" one word?

Or spread apart?

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex? [...]"

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago..? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes" she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can d...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

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This is the first joke I remember my dad telling me

One day an American man was walking in a small Mexican village while on vacation, he didn't have a watch so he asked an old man who was in a barn sitting on a short stool busy with his work shoeing a donkey, the old man then grabs and lifts the donkeys balls and said "1:15", the American thinks he's...

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

I remember my birth

It was tight

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When you're talking about testicles and prostates, remember...

...there's a vas deferens between them.

Always remember to brush your teeth everybody

Wait this is the UK

I remember the first time I went to my girlfriends house and her dad didn’t let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he’s very attractive

I still remember my grandfathers last words to me

He died right infront of me, the words still ring in my mind "STOP SHAKING THE GODDAMN LADDER!!"

I can’t remember how to write 1,1000,51,6 and 500 in Roman numerals...

IM LIVID

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I remember the time my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill

But instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained what I did to my dad and he beat the crap out of me.

The next morning when my dad woke up and opened the door, there was a brand new car outside. We all cried, mainly me. Because the car was from the electr...

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...

.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Last time I went fishing I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don't quite remember the rest of the day.

All I really know is that I pulled a mussel

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

I will always remember my dad's final words to me:

"Son, throw me that hatchet over there!"

It can never remember the capital of Vietnam

It's really Hanoi-ing

"Remember that funny knock-knock joke?"

"Doesn't ring a bell."

Remember when air was free? Now it costs $2

Do you know why?


Inflation

Last I remember is taking a photo with my Nokia 3310...

...and then its all blurry

"My biggest worry is that nobody will remember my name when I am gone."

~~ Some Dead Guy

I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid...

Man she really wanted a daughter.

Remember, kids...

Always talk to your dermatologist before making any rash decisions.

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

I still remember what my mother said to me when I wet the bed as a child.

Urine trouble.

Just remember you are someone's reason to smile.

Because you're a joke.

I remember the last thing my Granddad said before he kicked the bucket.

He said, " Watch me kick this bucket"

Remember when glaciers were cool?

That's all. What's a good follow up? It's a climate change joke. Idk.

I remember in middle school there was a kid who tried to pay me to be his friend..

.. and I felt really bad for him because he just didn’t have enough money

Remember when we would cry as kids and our parents would say "I'll give you something to cry about."

We though they were gonna hit us but then they went and destroyed the ozone, housing market, and affordable college.

I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn't pay my electric bill

It was the darkest day of my life

If you call a girl fat, she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

I just saw my high school teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was......

I was home schooled :(

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Remember guys; if you are getting a blowjob in the car

A true Gentleman turns on the Dome Light

This 4th of July please remember it's not "firecracker"

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

I remember my first day of school, I cried when my mum dropped me off...

No sorry, first day of University.

I remember paying $20 once to see Prince

.. but I partied like it was $19.99

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I still remember the first time I made love to my girlfriend.

I said, "I would like to take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."

She said, "I would like to take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

I can't remember where I lost my boomerang

Oh wait, I think it's coming back to me now.

I went to the doctor because I can't remember any 80's music...

I asked him what's The Cure?

He said, oh no, its worse than I thought...

Remember before the internet when it was thought collective stupidity was due to a lack of information?

Well, it wasn’t that.

I can’t remember the last time I drank alcohol

In fact, I can’t quite remember the last four times

ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS :)

Organs are extremely expensive in the black market. :)

I remember almost falling out of a window when I saw a £50 note,

Thank God I don't fall for that stuff anymore.

To all the people out there suffering from paranoia, keep strong and just remember

you're not alone.

Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

I wonder if my mom still remembers how to slap me into next week

I could use my paycheck early.

I just met my high school English teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was and it made me sad because..

.. I was her favorite student and was homeschooled.

Remember when plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject?

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.


<sorry if it's a repost>.

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Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

If you can't remember the words to the Lion sleeps tonight...

It's just a whim away.

I remember when it used to cost 25 cents to fill my tires at the gas station. Now it costs $1.25!

Inflation is getting out of hand.

I remember what I said the first time I saw my girlfriend undress...

Man, I hope this skylight holds.

At work they gave us cookies to remember the Apollo 11 launch.

I can't wait for the Apollo 1 memorial BBQ!

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Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

Remember, if a Communist is blowing up something, it is not your bomb or my bomb

it Tsar bomb

If you ever feel like your life is useless, just remember

that it's someone's job to install blinkers into BMW's

Sometimes I wonder if I could kill someone, like do I have it in me to take a human life.. And then I remember...

Oh yeah, Debbie.

I stayed up all night last night trying to remember....

the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

Remember, because of synonyms, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"...

...and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

A man is driving down the road when he sees a Native American in a booth that says "Chief Remembers All"

So the guy pulls over and says "So, you really remember all?" And the indian says "How, stranger. Yes, I remember all" So the guy says "Ok, what did you eat for breakfast 10 years ago?"

The indian contemplates for a second, and confidently says "Eggs" so the guy says "Oh sure...How do I know ...

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When you want to stay strong and it's dark, and you feel blood rushing to your head, and it's getting really hot, and it feels like the world is closing in around you, just remember...

... You're a Penis and this is normal.

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

I've been a nun all my life, but recently I quit and began attending so many orgies that I can't even remember who's been there.

I just don't know what's gotten into me lately.

I remember when two Thai girls flirted with me, they asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right...

We had six matching balls.

Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible.

Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

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This joke was told to me by my friend and I still remember it from 2 months ago.

There was a woman who was pregnant with triplets. 3 months before the babies were born, she was shot three times in the stomach. She immediately went to the doctor and the doctor said that the babies will be fine and the bullet will eventually come out of each of them when they pee.

16 years ...

[NSFW] I wish I could remember my safe word...

I want life to stop screwing me.

Every time you get dressed, remember:

If you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don’t remember the rest.

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

You know that black guy who runs fast? I can't quite remember his name.

You sayin Bolt?

Hey do any of you remember the joke about the boomerang?

Don't worry, it'll come back to you :)

What do you call a guy who finds out a one night stand got pregnant, but is relieved to remember that they only did oral?

Gladiator.

Remember to let your significant other drink lots of tea today!

It’s patriotic to put tea in the bae.

I was born around Saudi. I remember a couple things.

The first thing is that every woman had to wear a face cover, so only their eyes were visible.

The second thing is that I always lost my mom in grocery stores.

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

The best thing about having a bad memory is you can never remember why you're sad.

It's a little sad to be honest.

I remember when they first told me about pangea.....

It was a groundbreaking discovery

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

Shakespeare is visiting his friend who lives in an apartment building. He remembers that he said they were on the second floor in room B. He walks up the stairs and finds the room, but upon reaching to knock, he hesitates and wonders if his friend said he was on the second floor or third floor:

He thinks too himself “2B or not 2B?”
That is the question!

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

Remember this Independence Day that referring to all Americans as "Yanks" is an offensive stereotype.

... We also have Rednecks and Hillbillies too!

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When my parents got divorced I remember the seemingly endless custody battle they had over me.

I can still hear the fighting in my head.

Mom: You take him!

Dad: I don't want that little shit he's your problem.

I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was

In the end I had to call it a day...

Do you remember audio cassettes?

They had side A and B.

It was logical for it successor to be named CD.

I don’t remember where I stole this joke from...

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None, because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're th...

I remember my dad’s first joke. I laughed a lot.

Kuchi Kuchi ku ku..

If someone calls you a nobody, remember...

Nobody's perfect


(Shamelessly stolen from my homie)

I remember studying Pavlov in school and thinking, "Those stupid dogs."

and then the bell went and we all had lunch

It's funny how no one complains when I try to remember something?

But the second I try to DISmember something, everyone calls the cops...

I mailed myself a package the other day. I can’t remember what I put in it, though.

Oh well, it’ll come to me.

Remember to not make fun of your wife’s decisions...

Because you were one of them!

A naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

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Too Drunk to Remember....

A man had a horrible day , he was upset and stressed and thought you know what, I am gonna drink my ass off tonight, I don't even care.
The bar was across the street from his house so he didn't have to worry about transportation or anything and so he went to get drunk and forget his problems. ...

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Remember: Sex on a regular basis

Helps keep your memory alive and strong.

I wish you all a great 2016.

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

I remember one day when my father came home and demanded that my mother make him a sandwich. And to my great surprise, she did.

I still don't know where she found bread that was his size.

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Just remember that you can do whatever you want and be who you want to be. No one can stop you from fulfilling your dreams.

Unless you live in Russia. Then you can only do what Putin lets you do.

Edit: Guys, a few black vans just showed up at my house. I'm scared.

Edit2: Holy crap there are more! They're starting to get out of the vans. I think they're armed!

Edit3: They're coming in! I don't know ...

I had a great joke about cocaine, but I can’t seem to remember it.

I’m really upset—-I had it all lined up.

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