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My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type.

As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream.

I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.

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I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm every time I remember that I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm.

...come to think of it....

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

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Remember to poop tomorrow before midnight

You don't want to be carrying the same shit into a new year

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that

If you ever feel useless...


Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...


the Taliban

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was ...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

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Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

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The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

I remember when I first used Reddit.

Everything was new. To me there were no reposts.

What a good 4 seconds

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

If you think a microwave spying on you is bad, just remember

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called h...

I remember my dad's last words before kicking the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

Remember, because of synonyms, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"...

...and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.

My roommate just told me, “I can’t remember whether I took my anti anxiety medication or not.”

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

If someone calls you a nobody, just remember

Nobody's perfect.

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills, it’s 90210. But do you remember the one for Dawson’s Creek?

It’s 90108 (for our lives to be over)

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I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

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Remember sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory alive

I wish you all a happy 2016!

A small joke I remembered

Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!

Employee: sorry boss

Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory

Employee: oh no

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things...

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want an...

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything.

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely!"

I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come...

Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

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A friend asked me: Do you remember the first time you ever masturbated?

I said "Hell no, I can't even remember the first time I masturbated TODAY"

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I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car...

Remember that cucumbers need to be washed extra vigorously.

You can do what my mom did, and take them into the shower with you.

I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in...

She really wanted a daughter...

If you’re feeling paranoid, just remember…

… you’re not alone!

Y’all remember that saying “nice guys finish last”…

Well I spent my entire life being nice and haven’t finished last once 😒

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

I remember when I got married to my wife. I had 18 blissfully happy years.

Then I met her.

After a crazy night on the town, all I can remember before blacking out is paramedics approaching me with a stretcher.

I guess I got carried away.

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Do YOU remember your First Blowjob?

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Oh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?

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Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

Only 1700s kids remember this joke.

A woman walks out of the kitchen.

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The first joke I remember my father telling me.

A woman is just getting out of the shower when there's a knock at the door. She doesn't have a towel at hand so she shouts, "Who is it?"

"It's the blind man"

Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.

The blind man says, "Nice tits, love. Where do you want the bl...

Me: Do you remember two girls one cup?

Interviewer: I meant do you have any questions about the job...

Remember, you matter!

...unless you're multiplied by the speed of light squared, then you energy!

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo

Now you mention Botox and no one rises an eyebrow

My daughter asked me, “What do ballerinas wear?”, and I did not remember.

I feel bad that I couldn’t put tu and tu together.

I still remember the day they pronounced my dad dead!

I couldn't believe I'd been saying dad wrong all those years..

I remember the Christmas I found out Santa wasn't real.

I wish somebody had warned me because my kids were really disappointed.

Just remember, voting is like driving!

D to go forward, R to go in reverse.

Does anyone else have trouble remembering whether the postal abbreviation for Maine is ma, mi or mn?

Or is it just me?

I remember the first time I went to my girlfriends house and her dad didn’t let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he’s very attractive

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once

How does a pirate remember their shanties?

It's Yoes before Hoes

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

You remember those yardsticks?

They don't make them any longer.

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I was pissing against a wall when I remembered an old Indian saying

“Hey, asshole, if I catch you pissing on my wall again I’m gonna kick your ass.”

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My wife said she's leaving me because she can't remember the last time we had sex

I was so shocked I nearly dropped my rohypnol.

Just remember you are someone's reason to smile.

Because you're a joke.

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Next time you’re feeling down remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend who has sex 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison

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I still remember my dad’s last words before he died…

He said: “I’ll pass.”

remember kids

don't take anyone's advice

Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible.

Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

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I remember the first time I had sex...

I was so nervous. My hands were shaking, and my heart was pounding so hard.

Of course, it was also the first time I'd ever held someone at gunpoint as well.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he died.3

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

Frank wanted to be remembered.

A group of older veterans had all gotten together after not seeing one another for many years. When they met up they all learned that one of their buddies had passed away right before the get together was scheduled and his wife showed up with his ashes and her husbands request for all the guys. <...

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that…..

“This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.”

mom don't you remember

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a c...

It's allergy season upon us, so remember to say "pika" before you sneeze

and if you forget, just say "bacca" after!

Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?

He says hi

Hey, do you remember that 90's boy band which advocated for a way to save water while peeing?

It was called "in sink" or something like that.

I’m trying to remember that movie where the golden retriever becomes an audio technician...

Was it... Ear Bud?

I honestly cant remember anything about the last time i visited an osteopath.

Yet it was only a week back.

A guy comes back home to his small town from overseas at the end of WWII. The town plans a big parade for him the next day. He remembers that the day before he shipped out three years earlier, he left a pair of dress shoes at the shoemaker's for repair.

He finds the receipt ticket and rushes to the shoemaker's to get them. The shoemaker examines the ticket and disappears into the back for a couple of minutes. When he returns he says, "They'll be ready Thursday."

If you ever feel worthless, just remember

It's someones job to install blinkers on BMW's

Remember sharin' is carin'

But don't tell anybody because she's in witness protection.

Just remember - An annoying song about a Lions nocturnal habits.....

.... is never more than ‘A Whim Away....’

If you ever think your job is pointless, just remember...

You could be the guy who installs indicators on BMWs.

Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...

The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'

The go...

When you’re with Spanish-speaking friends, remember to say “mucho” as much as possible

It means a lot to them

LPT: Remember, besides blueberries, anything blue in the wild is poisonous and not fit for consumption....

The same rule applies to video game cartridges.

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His wife asked him how he could remember every sexual encounter he ever had...

"It's easy," he said. "I have a pornographic memory."

I remember when Grandpa’s memories started to go;

it was the day I caught him urinating with the door open… which is not a huge deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

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I can remember when the air was clean

and sex was dirty.

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Remember men, ALL women are bi

…but it’s up to you to figure out if it’s “sexual” or “polar”

Remember, Chemically Speaking

Bourbon *is* a solution

I remember the good old days when you could raid the fridge in the middle of the night…

…and it wouldn’t tell on you

The only cake joke I could remember for cake day.

What’s the difference a cake and a pie?

πr2, cake is round.

I Remember

when I could go to the local milk bar with a dollar and walk out with a big bag of lollies.

You can’t do that anymore, things have changed.

These days they have cameras everywhere..

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

Do you remember president Clinton’s intern Monica? She’s now republican.

Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

What do you call someone that doesn’t remember anybody’s name?

Hu

Just remember, Police are like a box of chocolates..

..they'll kill your dog.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

An important thing to remember about the Peloponnesian Wars.

Neither side was "good" or "bad"

In fact there were gyros on both sides!

Amber will always remember this as

The day she almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

Remember When ADHD Was Just ADD?

Me neither.

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