Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

The only cake joke I could remember for cake day.

What’s the difference a cake and a pie?

πr2, cake is round.

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.

If you ever think your job is pointless, just remember...

You could be the guy who installs indicators on BMWs.

Everyone has heard of Karl Marx, but no one remembers his sister, Onya…

…who invented the starting pistol.

I still remember my father's last words before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey son, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

Do you remember that party we had in Pompeii?

Yeah everyone was stoned

As I stood there seeing my girlfriend's peaceful face, I remembered that this would be our last day together. So I decided to make the most of it by making love to her one last time...

Unfortunately, no one else at her funeral shared my sentiment.

I'd like to take a moment to remember Paul McCartney (1942-2020).

He's still alive, that's just how long he's lived so far.

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

Is some one dear to you having a suspected stroke, remember, think F.A.S.T.

F. Get on Facebook immediately and search the symptoms from a sympathetic audience.

A. Ask for their thoughts and prayers, this will generate lots of likes.

S. Search for the symptoms on Google or look for helpful YouTube videos.

T. Try a selection of oils, scented candles, he...

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Did you know having sex makes it harder to remember past events from that day

I read it somewhere today, I just don’t remember when or why.

Do you remember all those jokes made last year about having 2020 vision?

Well, you know what they say about hindsight.

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

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Yknow if a guy remembers your eye color after the first date, chances are you’ve got

small tits

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

Remember to NEVER taste-test liquid samples on the job!

Anyways, thank you for listening for my story on how I lost my job at the hydrochloric acid processing plant.

Only 1700s kids remember this joke.

A woman walks out of the kitchen.

Trying to remember the name of that 80's sitcom set in a bar in Boston

If anybody can help me out that would be great.



Cheers.

A bride gets drunk at her reception and wakes up with a hangover, unable to remember anything she did at the reception. She asks her maid of honor what happened.

"Your groom and I got drunk and started dancing together," says the maid of honor. "Then you got drunk, and the alcohol must have made you so aggressive that when you saw us dancing, you kicked him in the balls."

"Ouch!" says the bride. "That must have hurt."

"It sure did!" says the ma...

Remember to sin a little

Otherwise Jesus died for nothing!

I remember last Christmas, we were playing charades and my grandad was up, suddenly he collapsed and did a huge fart.

I guessed “Gone with the wind?”

Remember, in these trying times to try to get 8 hours of sleep a day,

And at *least* 10 at night.

If you ever feel worthless, just remember

It's someones job to install blinkers on BMW's

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

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Remember, if you smoke after sex

you’re doing it too fast.

My Girlfriend couldn’t remember the name of a certain 90s sitcom.

I told her, Blossom (that’a my nickname for her), let’s take this Step by Step. We are far from Perfect Strangers, so I will Coach you through this. As Time Goes By you will see that I’m a Smart Guy, but If I can’t help you, we will start calling our Friends for help. Except for your brother Frasier...

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

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Years ago I used to work at the circus and we had some wonderful acts I remember the fat tattooed lady..

Now they're fucking everywhere...

So the other day I was crossing the street trying to remember something very important,

And then it hit me, at 50 mph.

It is important to remember that Bill Clinton

Spent his entire presidency between two Bushes.

Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes

is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.

Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?

Well the clown is back in town, and he remembers you.

Do you remember what it was like, blowing bubbles when you were just a little kid?

Well, I saw Bubbles the other day and he asked me for your phone number.

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Even after my grandpa died 4 years ago, I still remember his final words

"STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE CUNT!!! "

I remember my first time using a condom...

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and knew if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped...

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

I remember a time where you could walk into the gas station with a quarter and leave with a candy bar and a coke.

Now there are cameras everywhere.

Tell a girl she's beautiful one hundred times and she'll not believe you. Tell her once she's fat and she'll always remember

Because elephants never forget

A small joke I remembered

Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!

Employee: sorry boss

Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory

Employee: oh no

If I remember correctly, the game “Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes” had a very brief stint of enormous popularity out of nowhere.

No one was talking about it, and it exploded onto the scene.

If you ever feel useless, just remember.....

Donald Trump has a social media advisor

A clock maker had new students come to his workshop today. As he was in the middle of one of his projects he told them to always remember one thing to do when he was at work.

To watch and learn

My Dad told me this one a long time ago and I still remember it every time we have meatballs.

There is a man who goes to a spanish restaurant after a big bull fight. He sits down and looks at the menu. The waiter then comes over and asks what he will have. The man once again looks down at the menu and spots “meatballs de toro”. The man decides to have these.
Later, the waiter comes back...

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself,

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

If you get locked out of your house, remember to talk to your lock

Because communication is key.

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I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.

Seriously, what is the world cumming to?

I was trying to remember...

The word "candle" , so I asked my daughter (23), "You know, one of those things you blow and make a wish?"
She said, "Breathalyzer'"

Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach?

You know.... back Before we were born?

As we observe the anniversary of 9/11 today, remember...

All buildings matter.

Remember in 2015 when John Cena was a big meme?

Now it's practically invisible.

Sometimes I have such a hard time remembering my favorite Celine Dion song

..but it's all coming back to me now.

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My friends said that virgins are good at remembering

He said that on december 5/2005 at 8:54 pm when i was taking a dump

The only French word I can remember is piscine.

Why? Because it is something that you piscine.

I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

Can't remember the Roman numerals for 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500.

IM LIVID.

I remember my first breath.

Sadly I'm now addicted.

When life gets you down, remember the immortal words of Monty Python.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

‌‌A b‌‌loke b‌‌umped i‌‌n t‌‌o m‌‌e o‌‌n t‌‌he t‌‌ube t‌‌he o‌‌ther d‌‌ay a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

Then t‌‌he s‌‌ame f‌‌ella f‌‌ollowed m‌‌e h‌‌ome f‌‌rom t‌‌he p‌‌ub a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

Things t‌‌hen g‌‌ot o‌‌ut o‌‌f h‌‌and w‌‌hen h‌‌e t‌‌apped o‌‌n m‌‌y w‌‌indow a‌‌t 1‌‌1.30 t‌‌hat n‌‌ight a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."

I t‌‌h...

Why were the Lincoln Presidency and JFK Presidency remembered so well?

Because they both ended with a BANG

I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.

Tomorrow we have to remember to wake up Green Day.

When September ends.

I hope someone remembers

To wake Billie Joe Armstrong up today

Waking groggily, I remembered flying off my motorbike...

The smell and sounds quickly made me realise that I was in a hospital, but something wasn't right.

I reached down to feel my legs, but sat up and screamed as I felt nothing!

It was only then that I noticed the doctor standing by the end of my bed who raised his eyebrows in surprise and...

My roommate just told me, “I can’t remember whether I took my anti anxiety medication or not.”

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

Remember: You are not a joke!

Jokes are supposed to be funny

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I heard this one a few years ago and just remembered it after some time. I don't know if it's already been posted here or not, and if it has, I am sorry! I've also made some edits to it because, well, I don't have the original at my fingertips right now.

When I was in high school - in 10th or 11th grade I think - our class got two new students about midway through the school year. They were twins - a brother and sister - and they were from China. They'd moved to the U.S. only recently, yet they still had a pretty good education in English and I assu...

Remember Elephant jokes?

These are the first three that I learned a looooong time ago!

* Why do ducks have webbed feet? -- So they can stomp out forest fires.
* Why do elephants have flat feet? -- So they can stomp out flaming ducks.
* Why do elephants paint their toenails red? -- So they can hide in cherry tre...

I met a guy who could remember every breast he’d ever seen

He had photographic mammary

You can recycle an old brassiere into a face mask. It is important to remember to only use the left cup...

otherwise you will end up looking like a right tit.

Remember when you could smoke in a bar ?

Now you can't even drink in one.

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

"Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

EARTH WIND AND FIRE: do you remember the 21st night of September?

Last week we had an earthquake, a hurricane, and a LITERAL serpentine fire— 2020 been rough bruh.

I’m having a hard time remembering the punchline of this joke about the wife who found her husband, naked and unconscious, after he’d cheated for the last time.

The long and short of it was in her hands.

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One of my classmates in elementary school was mean to me sometimes, but looking back, I just remember the good things.

Like punching that bastard in the face.

“And remember,” my dad said, “when you grow up, you can be anything!”

It was a tough choice, but I decided on being Thing Two.

Just remember…

if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I couldn’t remember if my wife was ticklish...

so I gave her a couple of test tickles.

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

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Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

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I remember the good ol' days when we would spot a bear in the woods, strip down to our underwear, spank it on the butt and then make a run for it.

Those were the days. I really do miss when I didn't have to type with my tongue as well.

Student: For the life of my I cannot remember what the 21st letter of the alphabet is.

Teacher: That sounds like a you problem

How does a pirate remember their shanties?

It's Yoes before Hoes

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Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had.

Alas, I just kept drawing blanks.

Remember when getting air at a gas station was free? Now they charge you anywhere from a quarter to a dollar!

I guess that's the cost of inflation for you.

I remember once at a party

I’ll never forget the time, I was at a party, we were playing truth and dere, and someone dared me to go home

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

How do you remember to put on deodorant every morning?

I don't know but you probably shouldn't come near me

To all the people out there suffering with paranoia just remember,

You're not alone.

I couldn't remember where I threw my boomerang...

And then it hit me.

After a crazy night on the town, all I can remember before blacking out is paramedics approaching me with a stretcher.

I guess I got carried away.

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I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm every time I remember that I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm.

...come to think of it...

Remember, men, when your wife declares her intention to learn how to drive,

Don't stand in her way.

A child asks her mum if she will always remember her ...

****My sister told me this joke the other day****

Daughter: "Will you remember me in 1 hour?"

Mum: "Of course i will"

Daughter: "will you remember me in 1 day?

Mum: "yes dear"

Daughter: "will you remember me in 1 month?"

Mum: "to the end of time, i will alwa...

A nurse at the hospital asked me if I remembered what happened to me the night before

I told her I was in a bar when two large ladies came in speaking a strange accent.

Making casual conversation I said “Cool accent! Are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me “It’s Wales, dumbo”

So I corrected myself “Oh right, so are you two whales from Ireland...

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic. But then I remembered...

That it’s always going to be okay...

I remember when Mom used to tuck me in

She really wanted a daughter.

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Forget it once !

I was walking by a farm when I noticed a sign that said "Duck, eggs." I remember thinking, that's an unnecessary comma.

Then it hit me

I remember when I divorced my wife...

.. she insisted on dividing everything up fifty-fifty. She took half the dishes; I took half the dishes. She took half the furniture; I took half the furniture. I mean, right down to the pets. She wanted half the cats; I got half the cats. She wanted half the fish; I got half the fish. She even wa...

A man and his dog were walking along a road

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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Remember, Traps are only gay...

If you're Fred from Scooby-Doo.

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