UPJOKE
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I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

Remember, you matter!

...unless you're multiplied by the speed of light squared, then you energy!

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A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

Amber will always remember this as

The day she almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow

My dad died because we couldnt remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.

Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer....

....it comes back as a Tupperware lid, that doesn't fit any of your containers.

I'm having memory problems, I can only remember things from about two years ago.

Hindsight is 2020.

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

Do you remember president Clinton’s intern Monica? She’s now republican.

Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

If you ever feel powerless, remember:

Just one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant!

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

Inflation

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice

Don’t you just hate when your halfway through your rectal exam and remember...

**You're at the dentist.**

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Remember to poop tomorrow before midnight

You don't want to be carrying the same shit into a new year

Do you remember this horror game?

I think it’s called Amnesia but I can’t remember.

I stay at a lot of different vacation rentals and never have a problem remembering where things are in their kitchens

It’s a mental dish order

Is "I don't remember" considered a legitimate legal response?

Because it sure as heck doesn't work with my wife.

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?

It was about a weak back.

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that

If you ever feel useless...


Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...


the Taliban

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

remember : you will always be someone's reason to smile

Because you're a joke

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I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.

Come to know more.

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!

IM LIVID

I still remember when my mum used to tuck me in as a kid....

She really wanted a daughter!

..I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me before he died,

“You holding the ladder?”

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember

right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW

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The voodoo dildo

An old joke probably a repost, one of the few jokes I remember.

A woman went to town for shopping and she found this newagey shop. Curious she went in and looked around when she saw this huge dildo sitting in a corner behind some stuff. She asked the shopowner about it and he told her it's a ...

I still remember what my best friend said before he bit the dust…

“Hey that dust looks pretty tasty.”

And it was. It was from a blue pixy stick.

Sir John Harrington, inventor of the modern flush toilet is well remembered for two reasons:

Number 1 and Number 2

I remember my Grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket…

He said “Wanna see me kick that bucket?”

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Just remember, Hitler is one of histories heroes.

After all, he DID kill Hitler.

I'm really awful at remembering classic sayings but you know what they say

Practise makes it better

Hey, does anybody remember that famous multi-personality patient who was the subject of the book Sybil that came out in the '70s? well, I went to high school with her!

A lot of the other kids kind of avoided her, but I thought she was good people.

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The next time you have your life, remember...

I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, excercises twice a day, reads 2 books a week and yet complains about how much he hates prison.

"And remember," said the boss, "there's no I in TEAM!"

"Yeah," muttered one of the peons, "and there's not much sign of U in it either."

Remember: No matter how kind you are

German children are Kinder.

To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember.....

To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember that when you are being chased by a jaguar, jumping in a piranha-infested river is no help.

Jaguars are excellent swimmers.

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Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

I wish you all a great 2017.

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Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes,...

Remember that one joke?

Do you remember that joke i told you about the chiropractor?

No? Well, it was about a week back.

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

I remember 2021 like it was yesterday!

Happy New Year

I got asked, how can I easily remember my Reddit anniversary each year?

Piece of cake.

I remember this one time in high school I pulled out my MP3 player and people started making fun off me for not having a smart phone

At least the quiet kid was there with a MP5

Just remember, Police are like a box of chocolates..

..they'll kill your dog.

I remember sitting once in psychology class learning about Pavlov thinking "those stupid dogs"

And then the bell rang and we all had lunch

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A man was driving home from work when he remembered it was the 20th anniversary of his marriage

He still needed to get a gift for his wife, so he stopped at the department store on his way home. He quickly went to the lingerie department to pick up a gift and a sales associate was very happy to help. The sales associate asked what his budget was, to which he responded about $50. She showed him...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember...

There are no speed bumps

i can still remember my grandfathers last words

are you still holding the ladder?

Call a woman beautiful 1000 times, and she'll never remember. Call her fat one time, and she'll never forget. You know why?

Elephants never forget.

Always remember, it takes 2 wipes to know you need 3...

But 3 wipes to know you only needed 2.

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

I remember when my wife gave birth at the hospital & a nurse came out and handed me a swaddled baby..

In a sad voice she then told me, "I'm sorry sir but your wife didn't make it."

I replied back, "Well, this is nice, but could you bring me the baby my wife did make!"

I Remember

when I could go to the local milk bar with a dollar and walk out with a big bag of lollies.

You can’t do that anymore, things have changed.

These days they have cameras everywhere..

Pet store joke. This one is at least a half century old, but fwiw, I don't remember seeing it here yet...

A woman goes by a pet store and sees a sign saying "We specialize in the rare and unusual." Curious, she steps inside, and casually passes by the almost-usual: snakes, ferrets, tarantulas, macaws. She then notices a steel cage at the back of the store with a terrier-sized furry indistinct animal ...

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

Never let your guard down.

I remember my boss once pointed to my desk which was a mess…

He said that a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind. He wasn’t too happy when I pointed out that his desk was empty.

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I don't remember much about the films I made working in the Japanese porn industry

It was all a blur.

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

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I remember the first time I had sex

It was dark, I was sweaty, and I was alone.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Remember when Botox was a taboo subject?

Now when you mention it, nobody raises an eyebrow.

A rlly funny incident I remember from class many moons ago

So basically, back in 7th grade, my teacher wrote "brain" as one of the supplies to bring to class everyday. Cuz of course - it makes sense to use it in class, right? A few teachers actually do this, as I've heard.

Anyways, in class (like in many classes), we had this one "troublemaker" dude...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

Remember this: Everything is eventually reincarnated as a small, goat-like mammal.

Because everything old is gnu again.

For anyone going to worship today, do you remember why you shouldn't fart in church?

Because then you'll have to sit in your own pew.

Does anyone else remember seeing the Annoying Orange on YouTube?

I sure do.

He was in the white house for four years.

One night, a couple of years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend.

But my roommate Joseph barged in out of no where, tripped and fell over breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from. But let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him with his injuries. Joseph ha...

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy...

Remember that time Ohm got drunk at a Communist convention?

He made a long-winded speech about the dielectric.

I ran into my old Emirati buddy back in college. But I couldn’t seem to remember his name.

Isn’t it Saad?

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote.

I thought to myself, this changes everything!

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was liste...

A doctor had an unusual habit.

He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment. If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.

One day, a man came to him and said, "Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating."
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Have a spoonful of this."
The man tries some, spits...

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Dirty ernie pt. 3 (final that I can remember)

The teacher tells the class that every Friday, she's going to ask a question, and whomever can answer it correctly will be excused from class on Monday of the following week.

The first week she asks, "how high is the sky?

Ernie says, "what the fuck? Nobody can answer that."

Teac...

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

I cant remember who this comedian or how the joke goes 100% but the gist is

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, h...

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Wil...

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

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A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

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Don’t get a boner

I remember I got on a bus in Bangkok and this beautiful woman got on and sat down across from me. I kept thinking “don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner”. Sure enough, she did.

The story of how I met Mr Ache.

There once was a man, funnier than anybody else. People knew him as Mr Ache. Some would travel from far and wide to learn the art of telling a joke from this guy. He might just have been the funniest guy who ever lived.

One day, I decided I wanted to make a post on r/Jokes. I packed up my thi...

Remember when going to bed was a punishment?

How stupid we were!

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

A guy walks into a New York bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him three beers and says, "You know, it's pretty slow right now. You don't need to order three beers at once. You can just order one and I'll keep an eye on you if you need another."

The guy responds, "Oh no, that's not it. You see I 've got two brothers. One lives in...

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied, "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "w...

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

A mother and her 2 daughters are at a cemetery

One of the kids is curious and asks her mom “Mommy, why am I named Rose?”

Their mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head.”

Her second daughter asks “Mommy, why am I named Daisy?”

Her mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell o...

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

Remember when you blew bubbles when you were younger

Well… he’s looking for you

Remember: Screenshotting NFTs is wrong

Using "Save As" is right since you don't have to crop the image.

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A genie popped out of a bottle I found on the beach and offered me a choice between perfect memory and a massive dick.

I don't remember what I chose.

I returned to my hotel after an evening of drinking, so I went to the front desk. “Excuse me, I don’t remember what room I’m in.” I said.

“No problem,” said the receptionist. “You’re in the lobby.”

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

Farmer lost his hat

A farmer wakes up Sunday morning and can't find his hat. It had been brutally hot lately, so he knew he couldn't work his fields without one. It was also a holiday weekend, so the hat shop in town wouldn't open until Tuesday morning.

Not wanting to lose those days of work, the farmer decided ...

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Remember, it's only real bologna if it comes from the Bologna region in a Italy.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling pig anus.

She asked me if I knew who the Verve Pipe were.

But for the life of me, I could not remember.

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot....

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
Th...

My doctor told me I have dementia

I said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t remember asking”

A woman goes out of town for a couple of weeks for work.

She calls her husband after a day or two and they are just catching up. Most things have been discussed when she asks how the cat is and if he's taking care of her.

"Oh, cat died," he says.

She gets upset and, exasperated, tells him, "you can't just come out and surprise me with it li...

Remember: what doesn’t kill you….

Mutates and tries again

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SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

For those of you saying the Uvalde officers disprove the "good guys with guns" defense

Remember that only applies to GOOD people.

Did you know that Wordle comes with a free bonus game?

It's called "Try To Remember What Today's Word Was".

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