The 127+ Best Remember Jokes

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream.

I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *

Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that

If you ever feel useless...

Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...

the Taliban

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Remember to poop tomorrow before midnight

You don't want to be carrying the same shit into a new year

We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills, it’s 90210. But do you remember the one for Dawson’s Creek?

It’s 90108 (for our lives to be over)

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept saying "be positive"

I'll try but it's hard without him.

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

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Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."

If you think a microwave spying on you is bad, just remember

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything.

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely!"

I remember my dad's last words before kicking the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Remember, because of synonyms, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"...

...and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.

I remember when I first used Reddit.

Everything was new. To me there were no reposts.

What a good 4 seconds

Does anyone else have trouble remembering whether the postal abbreviation for Maine is ma, mi or mn?

Or is it just me?

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I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come...

Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

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I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm every time I remember that I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm.

...come to think of it....

If someone calls you a nobody, just remember

Nobody's perfect.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things...

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want an...

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

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Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in...

She really wanted a daughter...

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called h...

My daughter asked me, “What do ballerinas wear?”, and I did not remember.

I feel bad that I couldn’t put tu and tu together.

A small joke I remembered

Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!

Employee: sorry boss

Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory

Employee: oh no

If you’re feeling paranoid, just remember…

… you’re not alone!

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once

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I still remember my dad’s last words before he died…

He said: “I’ll pass.”

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I was pissing against a wall when I remembered an old Indian saying

“Hey, asshole, if I catch you pissing on my wall again I’m gonna kick your ass.”

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Next time you’re feeling down remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend who has sex 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison

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The first joke I remember my father telling me.

A woman is just getting out of the shower when there's a knock at the door. She doesn't have a towel at hand so she shouts, "Who is it?"

"It's the blind man"

Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.

The blind man says, "Nice tits, love. Where do you want the bl...

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

Me: Do you remember two girls one cup?

Interviewer: I meant do you have any questions about the job...

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that…..

“This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.”

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

Could somebody please tell the name of the 80's comedy based in a bar in Boston starring Ted Danson. I can't for the life of me remember it's name.

Cheers

An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book...

Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out.

Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."

The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son."

Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."

The man say...

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo

Now you mention Botox and no one rises an eyebrow

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Do YOU remember your First Blowjob?

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Oh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?

I remember when I was a kid, you could fill up a flat tire with air for free. Now it's $1.50.

That's the price of inflation.

My wife said, “For the life of me, I cannot remember the name of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

Me: Does ….Quasimodo ring a bell?

Remember when Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear?

To be honest, I just don't see the attraction.

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

I also remember my grandfather's last words. He was very weak, bedridden in hospital, and had lost the power of speech. He had signalled for me to give him paper and a pencil. He died right after writing it.

It said,

*"You are standing on my breathing tube"*

So there's this part of a woman's body that can drive her wild with erotic pleasure and I can't remember the name of it.

It's on the tip of my tongue...

Just remember you are someone's reason to smile.

Because you're a joke.

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

Just remember, voting is like driving!

D to go forward, R to go in reverse.

I returned to my hotel after an evening of drinking, so I went to the front desk. “Excuse me, I don’t remember what room I’m in.” I said.

“No problem,” said the receptionist. “You’re in the lobby.”

A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

What do you call someone that doesn’t remember anybody’s name?

Remember, you matter!

...unless you're multiplied by the speed of light squared, then you energy!

Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?

He says hi

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

Do you remember president Clinton’s intern Monica? She’s now republican.

Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

If you ever think your job is pointless, just remember...

You could be the guy who installs indicators on BMWs.

Frank wanted to be remembered.

A group of older veterans had all gotten together after not seeing one another for many years. When they met up they all learned that one of their buddies had passed away right before the get together was scheduled and his wife showed up with his ashes and her husbands request for all the guys. <...

Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...

The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'

The go...

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I remember the first and only time I saw my dads penis, I said dad…

Don’t text me shit like that.

You remember those yardsticks?

They don't make them any longer.

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there

Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...

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I can remember when the air was clean

and sex was dirty.

You either die young enough to be remembered as a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Just ask Jean-Claude Van Damme

I was talking to a coworker about how I remember using a rotary telephone. She said "Wow. You're dating yourself."

I looked down at my hand and replied "No. We're just friends with benefits.".

I remember when Grandpa’s memories started to go;

it was the day I caught him urinating with the door open… which is not a huge deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

remember kids

don't take anyone's advice

Man: "Doctor, I think I have ADHD: I can't remember where I parked my Ford!"

Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works..."
Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"

The only cake joke I could remember for cake day.

What’s the difference a cake and a pie?

πr2, cake is round.

If you ever feel worthless, just remember

It's someones job to install blinkers on BMW's

An important thing to remember about the Peloponnesian Wars.

Neither side was "good" or "bad"

In fact there were gyros on both sides!

In these times of economic hardship and a looming recession, it's important to remember that Jesus Saves!

By using double coupons and shopping wisely.

I remember once before a big school exam, I wanted to get a good night's rest, so I asked my Mom if I could borrow some of her sleeping pills.

She said "Sure! Knock yourself out!"

I remember seeing Bruce Jenner on Wheaties boxes as a kid and wanting to be him.

Apparently he looked at Wheaties boxes and wanted to be Mary Lou Retton

I remember how my mother used to tuck me in when I was little.

She was really disappointed not to have another girl.

I fondly remember our childhood when Dad used to roll us down the hill in a tire.

Those were the Good Years.

Just remember, Police are like a box of chocolates..

..they'll kill your dog.

I still remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...

I sure hope this isn't the bucket that kills you after you kick it!

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"

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Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

I wish you all a great 2017.

I can’t remember the name of my favorite joke on here

It’s fine though. I’m sure I’ll see it in a couple hours.

I just remembered this joke to leave a comment in r/mariners, and I thought some of you would enjoy it. It was my dad's fave.

A Californian, a Texan, and a Washingtonian are out on a hunting trip, but it's not going well. Three hours, nothing.

The Californian pulls a bottle of wine out of his bag, throws it way up in the air, and shoots it.

"Wha'd you do that for?" asks the Texan. "That was a perfectly good b...

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Remember men, ALL women are bi

…but it’s up to you to figure out if it’s “sexual” or “polar”

I remember when I could go into the grocery store with a dollar in my pocket.

And come out with a dozen eggs, pound of bacon and a loaf of bread.

You can’t do that anymore they have cameras everywhere.

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I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker...

Cant wait to see my new cock

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If you're going to bet money on porn, remember the cardinal rule:

A good D will cover the spread.

I'm really awful at remembering classic sayings but you know what they say

Practise makes it better

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The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

"Honey, do you remember this morning when I ran all over the place because I was so happy I found my keys again?"

"Erm yeah, was hard to miss, why?"
"... any idea where I could have put them afterwards?"

Call a woman beautiful 1000 times, and she'll never remember. Call her fat one time, and she'll never forget. You know why?

Elephants never forget.

Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer....

....it comes back as a Tupperware lid, that doesn't fit any of your containers.

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Just remember, Hitler is one of histories heroes.

After all, he DID kill Hitler.

I got asked, how can I easily remember my Reddit anniversary each year?

Piece of cake.

Anyone remember when a holiday somehow managed to impregnate a month!?

*Ya it looks like Christmas came in July!*

...

...yes I've not been invited to a party in years, why do you ask?

Does anyone else remember seeing the Annoying Orange on YouTube?

I sure do.

He was in the white house for four years.

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