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Forget Jokes

A genie granted me 2 out of my 3 wishes, and my third wish was for him to forget he ever met me

He replied with “I am a genie, and I shall grant you 3 wishes”

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.

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Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

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I will never forget my grandpa’s last words

He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”

I'll never forget my dog's last words

"You've taken too much acid."

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

That's because elephants never forget.

You will forget.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.


After c...

Don't forget that today is April Fools!

**APRIL FOOLS**!

Am I doing this right?

A Muslim temporarily forgets that he's not allowed to eat bacon...

hamnesia

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After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

My first wife, I’ll never forget her…

and I’ve tried.

Forgetful preacher...

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town.

Being quite young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations.

On...

The Indian that never forgets.

Once a man was traveling through the west on vacation, when he saw a sign that said, "Meet the Indian Who Never Forgets, Next Exit". Well, being curious, the man stops at the attraction to see the Indian. He asks the man, "What did you have for breakfast on June 9, 1978?" The Indian replies "Eggs!"<...

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

What do you get when you forget the difference between a saloon and a salon?

A buzzcut.

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I Forget the Name

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.

"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk s...

Me: Doctor, I've been having trouble with my memory, I keep forgetting things

Doctor: Okay, how long has this been going on for?

Me: How long's what been going on for?

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I’ll never forget that time I took a dump in an elevator.

I took that shit to a whole new level.

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I never forget my sons first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

Ill never forget the last thing my grandfather said to me before he died...

Are you still holding the ladder!!!

What did the mermaid forget to bring to math class?

Her algae bra

I constantly have to remind my wife to not breast feed our son for so long. She always seems to forget that it causes bleeding…

… she has a tearable mammary.

(Sorry just a random dad joke I thought of today while in the shower. Not a true story)

Elephants never forget

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on ...

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

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Don't forget capital letters...

In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jac...

I'll never forget my first day working with my brother and my dad. My brother put his shovel in the dirt and my dad stepped in and said "You're doing it all wrong, you gotta let the tool do the work."

Then he handed the shovel to me.

I told my doctor, “I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

I'll never forget my Dad's final words

"Son, toss me that hatchet"

What do you call it when a group of Pacific Islanders forget things?

Poly-amnesia

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREF...

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Italian Girl

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!”

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And did you ...

Two things that I don't like about myself are procrastination and the habit of forgetting things.

But the good thing is that I don't procrastinate.

If you don’t want people to forget you then

Borrow money from them and don’t pay ‘em back immediately.

They’ll be calling you more often.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face...

when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her if she knew how long it took for the birds to grow once the seeds have been planted.

Why do scottish people sing 'Danger Zone' when they forget their password?

Because they Kenny Loggin.

What do you call it when a chameleon forgets how to breathe?

A reptile dysfunction

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Elephant never forgets

This man, Rajesh Patel wnet to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rajesh very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at Rajesh for...

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

What do you say when you can speak two languages, but keep forgetting vocabulary in both:

I am BYElingual

Don't forget tonight, just before midnight, to lift your left foot, and don't put it back down until after the clock strikes midnight...

So you can start 2021 on the right foot!

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A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which...

A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".

I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"



\- Jimmy Carr

As long as I live I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me...

GODDAMMIT BOY BE CAREFUL THAT THING’S LOADED!

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

I will never forget what my wise grandmother used to say to me

"Get out of the way, i'm trying to watch TV!"

When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill afterall!"

Don't forget to pay your taxes this year....

.....other countries and politicians are depending on you.

Don't forget to tip your server, that's what they always say...

But then I got fired from the Google Datacenter.

I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

"I am your Father"

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.

What happens when everyone forgets your birthday

It is so sad when everyone forgets your birthday.

Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work.

My parents forgot too and so did my kids.

I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday....

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I'll never forget the one time i saw my dad's penis.

I said "dad, dont text me shit like that"

My bartender is rather forgetful He can remember that my first name is "Al" just fine,

but I have no idea how he keeps mixing up "Smith" with "Coholic".

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

A theater actor kept forgetting his lines, so he painted the script on the stage.

It was a play on words.

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Apparently the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are

Did you know that the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are?

I will never forget my dad’s last words: “Will you stop playing with the bow, Nicholas?!”

PS: it was a joke

In China, film makers have to appease the Chinese censors, but people forget in America we have the same thing...

We also have to appease the Chinese censors.

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Have faith in the Pfizer vaccine. Don't forget they make viagra

If they can save the dead....they can save the living.

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I will never forget it you know . . .

One time my boyfriend Ernie looked at me and said Soph if you could learn to cook we could fire the chef. I said if you could learn to fuck we could fire the chauffeur.

Who can dash, but will get mad if you forget to dash?

Spider-man

An old couple talks to their doctor about their memory loss. The doctor suggests that they write things down so they don't forget.

One day, both of them are sitting on the couch when Grandma asks for a bowl of ice cream.

"Coming right up," Gramps says, slowly getting onto his feet and heading towards the kitchen.

"Aren't you going to write that down?"

"Write that down? Of course not. I can remember a bowl o...

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Everybody is saying Harvey Weinstein is the worst person in history, but I think they're forgetting that Hitler is the worst person in history

I mean if he finished what he started, we wouldn't have to deal with Weinstein

I will never forget the first meme that made me laugh...

one could say that it was rather memerable

I try to forget about doing laundry

So it’s a load off my mind.

Please forget my bad English

I keep forgiving correct words

I heard a policeman say "I'll never forget nine eleven"

And I thought "Well, duh, that's your phone number".

Some Memories You Can't Forget

I've always loved waking up to the warm feel of a body cuddled against mine.........Except when I was in prison

A pilot is flying a plane and shortly after mid-air announcement , forgets to turn off the mic.

He then mentions to his copilot : "I am dating that cute air hostess. After we land , we will go to the hotel and bang. "
The air hostess after hearing this runs towards the front of the plane at full speed to tell the pilot to turn off the mic and hits a blind man's stick and falls down.
The ...

Today is 9/11-NEVER FORGET

Oh, my bad---Too soon.

Sometimes I forget how beautiful the mountains are.

I really take them for granite.

Elephant Never Forgets

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephan...

My father may have been abusive and a drunk, but there's one good piece of advice he gave me that I wont forget.

When I was younger I asked him how to make a good impression at an interview. I was gonna ask my mum but she wasn't feeling well after she had another "accident" as he put it. He begrudgingly told me to "dress for the job you want, then once you have that job, don't start slacking. It's just as impo...

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

Danny joined the French Foreign Legion to forget a girl.

Unfortunately, the girl he was trying to forget was Sandy.

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