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Forget Jokes

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

A genie granted me 2 out of my 3 wishes, and my third wish was for him to forget he ever met me

He replied with “I am a genie, and I shall grant you 3 wishes”

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

You will forget.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.


After c...

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ll never forget my grandpas last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.

I kept forgetting my passwords until someone told me to use 1Password!

That's a much easier password to remember.

There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading.

No one knows the Cure

Forgetful preacher...

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town.

Being quite young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations.

On...

Don't forget that today is April Fools!

**APRIL FOOLS**!

Am I doing this right?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

A Muslim temporarily forgets that he's not allowed to eat bacon...

hamnesia

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I never forget my sons first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

That's because elephants never forget.

What do you call it when someone calls you, forgets what they were going to say, calls you back and forgets again? [OC]

A boomerang.

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I Forget the Name

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.

"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk s...

The Indian that never forgets.

Once a man was traveling through the west on vacation, when he saw a sign that said, "Meet the Indian Who Never Forgets, Next Exit". Well, being curious, the man stops at the attraction to see the Indian. He asks the man, "What did you have for breakfast on June 9, 1978?" The Indian replies "Eggs!"<...

LPT: always forgive and forget.

And if anyone is hiring an experienced loan officer, let me know.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

Me: Doctor, I've been having trouble with my memory, I keep forgetting things

Doctor: Okay, how long has this been going on for?

Me: How long's what been going on for?

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

My first wife, I’ll never forget her…

and I’ve tried.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone...

He turns to his copilot and says:
"I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."
When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm...

I'll never forget my Dad's final words

"Son, toss me that hatchet"

A forgetful husband

An old couple sit in their living room when the wife starts complaining to her husband. "You are getting more and more forgetful, it's terrible, you never bring me what I asked for." He rejects this claim and says: "This is not true, I'll prove you wrong and bring you some food from the kitchen. Wha...

Don't forget your anniversary!

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke...

I drank to forget you.

Unfortunately now I see you double.

What did the mermaid forget to bring to math class?

Her algae bra

I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face...

when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her if she knew how long it took for the birds to grow once the seeds have been planted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't forget capital letters...

In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jac...

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

I'll never forget my son's 89th sentence

Dad, you remember weird stuff

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What did the forgetful prostitute say to her pimp?

I don't know what came over me!

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

I told my doctor, “I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

If you don’t want people to forget you then

Borrow money from them and don’t pay ‘em back immediately.

They’ll be calling you more often.

Elephant never forgets

This man, Rajesh Patel wnet to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rajesh very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at Rajesh for...

"Forget everything you have ever known!..."

In hindsight not a great opener for my speech at the annual Alzheimer's and Dementia conference.

Why do scottish people sing 'Danger Zone' when they forget their password?

Because they Kenny Loggin.

The cost of forgetting fresh, hot tea...

...is steep.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: Do not forget to breathe.

Death by asphyxiation may cause semen discharge making it look like you died of wanking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If r/Jokes posts were like YouTube videos

Joke title: IS THIS THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST JOKE?

Hello welcome to my joke, this joke is sponsored by BackdooredVPN, get the VPN service for just $29.95 a month. Also sponsored by Microtransaction Legends, download the app for free today.

Before we share the joke we want to remind you tha...

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

Why can’t a squirrel ever forget his ex?

He always remembers where he put his nut

Two things that I don't like about myself are procrastination and the habit of forgetting things.

But the good thing is that I don't procrastinate.

Today is 9/11-NEVER FORGET

Oh, my bad---Too soon.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

i watched a commercial that said: "forget everything you know about stocks

so i did

then the commercial tried to sell me stocks, but i didn't know what the hell they were!

Italian Girl

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!”

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And did you ...

A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".

I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"



\- Jimmy Carr

I keep forgetting what the opposite of night is called.

I gave up and just called it a day.

I'll never forget when my parents sat me down and told me Santa wasn't real

I was heartbroken...


I'm not sure how I managed to go to work that day!

Elephant Never Forgets

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephan...

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

Please forget my bad English

I keep forgiving correct words

My bartender is rather forgetful

He can remember that my first name is "Al" just fine, but I have no idea how he keeps mixing up "Smith" with "Coholic".

What happens when everyone forgets your birthday

It is so sad when everyone forgets your birthday.

Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work.

My parents forgot too and so did my kids.

I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday....

As long as I live I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me...

GODDAMMIT BOY BE CAREFUL THAT THING’S LOADED!

I've been forgetting things

for as long as I can remember.

The Indian Who Never Forgets

A man was on they way to visit his mother-in-law. The train made a stop next to a small Indian village. The man had heard that in this particular village there was a famous Indian Who Never Forgets. The man thought to himself, "that can't be true, he must forget at least once in a while," so he soug...

Don't forget to pay your taxes this year....

.....other countries and politicians are depending on you.

Some Memories You Can't Forget

I've always loved waking up to the warm feel of a body cuddled against mine.........Except when I was in prison

Forgetful Dad

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

I constantly have to remind my wife to not breast feed our son for so long. She always seems to forget that it causes bleeding…

… she has a tearable mammary.

(Sorry just a random dad joke I thought of today while in the shower. Not a true story)

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ll never forget my grandpas last words...

“Quit messing around with my life support cord you twat”

Never forget that you're someone's reason to smile...

Because you're a joke.

Forget separation of church and state...

... I need separation of home and work.

I cared for my sick dad in his last days, and I'll never forget his last words

"I think those were the wrong pills Billy."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

What kind of bird always forgets the words to songs?

A Hummingbird.

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

Sometimes I forget how beautiful the mountains are.

I really take them for granite.

Not NSFW: When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...

Any married man should forget his mistakes

there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Forget Washington, Lincoln, JFK. Trump Is Simply Going To Be The Best President

To Have Come in A Melania.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major...

...found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothe...

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