As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

A camel decided to educate his son who he suspected was getting a little insquisitive...

"Why do we have two humps," asked the son.
"That's so we can go for days without water. We can store it in the humps."

"Why do we have very long eyelashes?
"That," he was told, "is to protect the eyes from sand in a sand storm."

"And why do we have bulbous looking feet?"
"That...

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A man suspected his wife was cheating on him.

He came home at lunch time and snuck in the house, to find his wife with another man on top of her. So he hit the guy upside the head with a lamp, knocking him out cold.

When the guy woke up, he was in the detached garage with his dick trapped in vise, with the handle broken off so there was ...

Uh-oh. I think the object of my affections suspects something.

She's changed her WiFi name to "HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice".

Police suspect that a recent string of burglaries have been committed by a person obviously suffering from severe IBS. The culprit has left their "calling card" at each house they've broken into.

Unfortunately, the police have no firm leads.

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A woman gets pulled over by a policeman for suspected drunk driving.

“Madam, you’re suspected for drunk driving. Please blow this for me for a breath alcohol test.”

“What the hell? That’s your penis, not the breathalyser!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were drunk.”

I suspect there is some truth in this...

Doctor : The patient died due to the coronavirus

Relatives : It wasn’t the virus,he had a heart attack

Doctor : Really, why did he have a heart attack?

Relatives : He was really upset and was continually under a lot of stress

Doctor : I see. Why was he upset?

...

I suspect my local greengrocer is overcharging for veg.

He's only charged me full price for an undersized lettuce, but I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.

An old man suspects that his wife has become deaf as she wasn't responding to him

So he calls the doctor to make an appointment. The doctor suggests to make a rough measure of her deafness before bringing her into the hospital.

He sees her wife working at the kitchen.

He stands 30 feet away from her and asks,
"Honey, is the dinner ready?"
She doesn't respond<...

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A man suspect his wife that she might be deaf

She is not responding to his words
So he decided to test her hearing
He entered the Kitchen where she were making launch, he stood near the door, shouted: honey what's the launch? No response from the wife, he gets closer, honey, WHAT is the launch!
No response, get closer and closer HONEY,...

After a gruesome murder in Greenland the suspect is taken in for questioning by the police.

Inspector: Would you mind telling us where you were on the night from October 11th to March 5th?

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

Cop: Suspect is dancing naked downtown.

Dispatcher: Copy that.

Cop: I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

I suspect my daughter has been wetting the bed and keeping it a secret

She’s innocent until ruined quilty

A cop sees a dancing suspect

Cop: Suspect is engaging in high-profile break-dancing in the main square

Radio: Copy that

Cop: I’ve had a couple breakdance lessons but I’m no way as good as him sir

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John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19

but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona

They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.

Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.

Man: the 3P diet? What's that?

Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini

Man: but doctor, why?

Doctor: because they fit under the door

A worker was suspected of stealing

Every day the security guys would check his wheelbarrow when he was leaving the factory site. They never found anything. It took them weeks to realize that he was stealing wheelbarrows.

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, pleas...

I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOW EATING FOR TWO!!! after a doctor's visit yesterday he confirmed what we’ve been suspecting for weeks now.

she has a tapeworm.

I suspect the motor in my massage chair is starting to go...

It’s been giving me some bad vibes.

I have always suspected that people are selfish and during disasters will only look after number 1...

...but the Corona virus is proving they are more concerned with number 2's.

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Friend: "Why do you say that?"

Wife: "He said he wouldn't rest until he found his suspect"

Friend: "That doesn't sound so bad"

Wife: "He was talking in his sleep!"

I'm beginning to suspect my cat is secretly a Chinese communist.

All she ever talks about is Mao.

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A very rich, yet stingy businessman had symptoms of corona...

He decided to get himself tested and went to the clinic.

After he returned from the clinic he saw few calls from his business partner. So he called him back.

His business partner picked up. he sounded worried, "Hey I've been trying to reach you! You didn't pick up so I called your home...

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An English lord suspected his wife of cheating

So he hires a private detective to follow her.

On Sunday they meet.

"Well Mortimer" says the lord "what have you discovered?"

"Well sir, on Saturday your wife left at a quarter past three, went into the city, met a man at a five to four, by half past six they left for the cinem...

This joke was originally told to me in Chinese - let’s see if it flows just as well in English

An emperor with finds out that there is a spy inside his grand army. He decides to interrogate every single person in the army.

A young trooper in the army does not speak the emperor’s native language, and is worried that he would be suspected as the spy. His friends in the army, however, dec...

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at t...

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Coming Home Early

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed....

Did you hear The Rock and his family have recovered from Covid?

They were partially asymptomatic but he first suspected they were infected when none of them could smell what he was cooking.

FBI questioning a murder suspect

Q: When did you go to her house?

A: Never

Q: Where are you from?

A: Ghana

Q: Did you sell or give those to her?

A: Give

Q: Who did you contact first?

A: You

Q: Where did you go after you contacted us?

A: Up

Here is a war joke for ya all

A passenger train is fully loaded, and a German soldier, on leave, shares a compartment with a decrepit lady, a beautiful young French woman, and a young French man. The train enters a tunnel, and no one can see anything.
A kiss is heard, then a hollow slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. [long]

After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."


"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.


"And what do you ...

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A man goes into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender and says “Bar keep, a shot of your finest whiskey!”. The bartender grabs a bottle of his finest whiskey and pours the man a shot. As fast as he poured is as fast as the man drank the shot. He slammed the glass down and requested another. The bartender poured the man ...

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Two years ago, my friend told me the worst joke I'd ever heard. Here it is for those of you who don't know it

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to ge...

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When the bathroom is closed at the local bar, a man makes a bet with the bartender [Longish Story]

"Sorry sir, the bathroom is closed. You will have to go elsewhere", stated the bartender.

"Elsewhere, you say?" said the man, the wheels slowly clanking into place in his head forming an idea. He ushers the man into the closed bathroom by the sink. "Since I can't pee in this toilet like my gr...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

Why did the police suspect the fish sold drugs?

Because they noticed he had a lot of small scales with him.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers”.

She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

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Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

Edward Carrington Marshal, the only son of John Marshall, who was the original owner of the famous Liberty Bell, was found dead.

Police suspect Will Smith, since his fresh prints were found on the bell heir.

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I suspected my wife might be cheating on me so I went to my psychic to find out

And there she was, licking that bitch's pussy.

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

Suspect: I’m innocent! He died of natural causes.

Police: There was clear evidence that you pushed him off the roof.

Suspect: Well, gravity is natural.

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

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A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

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Jean suspects her husband is gay

She confronts him about it one day and asks him, “Do you even love me?”

“Of course I do! I love you, Jean!”

She starts crying and screams “I KNEW IT! WHO THE FUCK IS EUGENE?!”

It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died..

Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.

Why do detectives look to a Will when searching for murder suspects?

Because a Will is a dead giveaway.

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

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Three men arrive to the Heaven's Gates...

...and are asked by St. Peter, how did they found their final fate.
The 1st man steps forward:
"Well,see, I long suspected that my wife been cheating on me, so today I "left for work", only to come back half an hour later. And what do I see -- my wife naked in bed, and some asshole below our w...

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3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death

First guy go. “I was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I st...

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A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?

Where were you on the night of September to March?

An FBI chief is informed there is a traitor in his staff.

He decides to test 3 agents he suspects.

He sits down the first agent in his office and asks him:

Chief: "Are you a patriot?"

Agent: "Yes sir, I am."

Chief: "Do you love more, your country or your family?"

Agent: "My country sir!"

Chief: "Alright, take t...

I decided to ruin my friend’s proposal to someone else, so here’s what happened

I think the title sounds worse than it really is. My (24M) best friend (24M) Hugh was planning to propose to his girlfriend Samantha (25F) by recreating some of the moments from their early dates. This included watching the Pixar movie Up and going rock climbing at an indoor gym, among other things....

An inspector calls a suspect into the interrogation room

Suspect: Why am I hear?

Inspector: I will be the one asking questions around here.

Suspect: Is that so?

Inspector: Yes, absolutely... Damn it!!!

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

A newly wedded couple

A newly wedded couple moved in to the new house, which happened to be on the same street as grooms parents house. Living so close the mother in law loved to check on her sons wife thru the day and would pay her a visit nearly every day when her son was at work. One afternoon she knocked on the door ...

I suspect my wife has put superglue on all my firearms.

She denies it of course but I’m sticking to my guns!

Suspecting a Cheating Spouse

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

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Heaven is Getting Crowded

Heaven was starting to get a little too crowded, and as a result, God asked St. Peter to be a bit more selective about who was allowed to enter.

"From now on, I want you ask everyone in line to explain to you the circumstances of their death. If they had a rough go, let them in. Otherwise, pl...

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My wife suspected I was cheating, so to catch me she hired a prostitute to flash her breasts and try to seduce me.

I didn't fall for that shit... I can spot a booby trap a mile away.

“10-4, back up, I need back up”

“What’s your location?”

“16 and 11. Hacker is on foot.”

“Where is the suspect headed?”

“I don’t know. He just ransomware.”

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

Someone broke into our local police station and stole all the toilets.

The police are looking for suspects, but for now they have nothing to go on.

Suspected terrorist attack as hole is blown into wall of public toilet at Waterloo station...

Police are looking into it.

My office has had three label makers stolen in the past week.

We suspect it's connected to organized crime.

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

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Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for...

She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.

Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yel...

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friend group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could do any harm

Cop: We suspect you have illegally downloaded all the editions of Encyclopedia Brittanica.

Man: Wait! I can explain everything!

I’m starting to suspect my neighbor is a communist.

He just puts up a lot of red flags.

Why was Pythagoras not considered a suspect in murder case?

No knew what his angle was.

A zookeeper is having trouble sleeping...

because of a certain case, which made it so that all the zoo animals had to stay in his bedroom. One of them keeps on waking him up, but he’s not sure which one. He goes to see an expert on similar situations like this. They go over which one is the most likely. The expert says:


“It’s no...

The U.K. police are looking for a robbery suspect that looks like “Ross” from Friends.

No one ever told him life was gonna be this way.

The police had a lineup of 10 suspects.

They would walk to one of them, and tell them to say a line, in hopes that something would prove that they were lying. Then, they would continue to the next suspect and repeat.

When they got to the guilty suspect, they told him to say: “I did not go on a mass crime spree and kill 300 innocent...

Three men approached the Pearly Gates.

As there was only one place left, St Peter said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died and the man replied, "Imagine this. I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I cam...

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A man begins to suspect he has a tapeworm, so he goes to the doctor...

The doctor examines him and confirms that yes, he does have a tapeworm. "And it's a pretty wily one, too. Every time I try to yank it out, it just darts away. I'm gonna have to resort to more unorthodox methods..."

The man doesn't like the sound of that, but he's desperate to get rid of the p...

It’s been 4 years since my last job interview

I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

A man returned home with a bloody nose

His wife asked, "What happened? Why are you beaten up?"

The man said, "I was in the elevator, and I farted."

The wife was furious, "What is wrong with society? Someone punched you because you farted?"

The man winced, "no... because I glared accusingly at the guy beside me so no ...

I went to see my doctor with suspected tennis elbow

She examined me and confirmed it is indeed tennis elbow
She then said “how many years have you been suffering with this ?”
I replied about 15, love...

Police asked the husband "Did you witness the suspect murder your wife?" The husband said "Yes."

Police: "Mind me ask why you did not intervene?"

Husband: "He looked like he was capable of doing it alone."

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

The United States finally outlawed the waterboarding of suspected terrorists!

They have decided to replace it with a more politically correct interrogation method: Tactical Baptism

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that re...

Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem?

Because of his coffin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man arrives in heaven...

A man arrives in heaven and St. Peter asks him how he died.

"I came home from work early," the man says, "because I suspected my wife was having an affair."

"Sure enough, there she was in bed naked, obviously caught in the act. She was alone, but I knew her lover had to be close by. T...

Polaroid of the suspect

Reporter: 'Here I am, live at the scene of the crime, in fact I've just learnt the police have a polaroid of the suspect. More on this story as it develops.'

A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.

“It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.”

“Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?”

“Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking,...

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