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Suspect Jokes

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

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A rapist and a therapist are prime suspects in a case. Who went to jail?

Therapist

What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

"What were you doing the night between November and May?"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

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A man suspected her wife to cheat on him while he was at work.

A man suspected his wife to cheat on him while he was at work. He told his best friend about it.

*- I could place a hidden camera in the bedroom, but I don't want to spend that much money...*
*- Well, there's an easy and cheap way to be sure: attach a spoon under your mattress, and place...

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

Police stop a driver suspected of DUI.

"We need to perform breathalyzer test to determine the fact" the policeman informs the driver. "Can't do" answers the driver. "And why not?" Inquires the policeman "Because I'm asthmatic." "Very well, concedes the policeman "then we'll perform blood test." Can't do that either" replies the drives "A...

Venus de Milo was pulled over as a suspect in stick-up…

…but she was unarmed.

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Given that the US has now shot down three balloons (or suspected balloons) this week....

Whoever is flying the Goodyear blimp at the Super Bowl tonight had better have balls of steel.

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

Why did the rabbit suspect his wife was cheating on him?

He kept finding different hares in his bed.

Suspecting a Cheating Spouse

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

What do you call a joint you suspect has more than weed in it?

Dubious

I suspect that my son has been flushing his blunts down the toilet.

No wonder my water bill is so high.

A client was pulled over for suspected dui. He was sober, and didn’t want to do a field sobriety test

But found out that asking “can you just blow me” isn’t a good way to communicate this to the officer.

The cops in my town are looking for a suspect who they are calling “the birthday party thief”.

I’ve seen a lot of crazy criminals, … but this one takes the cake.

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

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I suspect my neighbor Jackson defecated on my lawn when I was not home.

I asked around to check if there were any witnesses, but everyone says they didn't see jack shit.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

I suspect my daughter might enjoy alphabet pasta...

but I don't want to put words in her mouth.

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.

I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

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I'm starting to suspect that my wife's vagina is haunted by her ex.

Every time we make love, I swear I can hear his name.

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John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19

but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

An elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing

So he decided to test his suspicions. He stood about 20 feet behind her and asked, “Can you hear me, my love?” But she didn’t respond.

So he got about 10 feet away from her and asked her again, “Can you hear me, sweetie?”

When she didn’t say anything, he got up to 5 feet from her and a...

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A man begins to suspect he has a tapeworm, so he goes to the doctor...

The doctor examines him and confirms that yes, he does have a tapeworm. "And it's a pretty wily one, too. Every time I try to yank it out, it just darts away. I'm gonna have to resort to more unorthodox methods..."

The man doesn't like the sound of that, but he's desperate to get rid of the p...

Yuri Gagarin returned from space and Khrushchev asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "Yes."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

Gagarin traveled to Rome and met the Pope, who asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "No."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

3 months in and I’m starting to suspect my landlady…

is only in it for the money.

Cop: Suspect is dancing naked downtown.

Dispatcher: Copy that.

Cop: I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.

Police were called to the scene of a suspected mass grave of snowmen

upon further investigation, it was determined to be a carrot patch

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me:

"I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

A husband suspects his wife may be going deaf.

To test this, he goes a few feet behind her, and softly whispers “Honey, can you hear me?”

There is no response, so he takes a step forward, and softly says again “Honey, can you hear me?” Again, there is no response

The husband goes right behind his wife, and again says “Honey can yo...

How do French police sweat information out of a suspect?

they put the suspect in a J'accuzzi

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A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her.

One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.
The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid" , said the woman.

The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is h...

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My wife suspected I was cheating, so to catch me she hired a prostitute to flash her breasts and try to seduce me.

I didn't fall for that shit... I can spot a booby trap a mile away.

FBI questioning a murder suspect

Q: When did you go to her house?

A: Never

Q: Where are you from?

A: Ghana

Q: Did you sell or give those to her?

A: Give

Q: Who did you contact first?

A: You

Q: Where did you go after you contacted us?

A: Up

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

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Jean suspects her husband is gay

She confronts him about it one day and asks him, “Do you even love me?”

“Of course I do! I love you, Jean!”

She starts crying and screams “I KNEW IT! WHO THE FUCK IS EUGENE?!”

I suspect, the gears on my bike are no good.

Of late, they have been very shifty.

I'm starting to suspect I was cloned from my older brother

All my genes are hand-me-downs

*Adapted from a song by His Royal Weirdness

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A king suspected his queen of infidelity

Once a king suspected his queen of infidelity. She was pretty promiscuous and he suspected her of sleeping around. So he devised a plan. When she was sleeping, he planted a knife in her privates. He then went hunting for a week. When he came back, he told all his courtiers to strip down. Everyone ha...

I’ve always suspected my girlfriend was a ghost.

These suspicions started every since she walked through the door.

I suspect there is some truth in this...

Doctor : The patient died due to the coronavirus

Relatives : It wasn’t the virus,he had a heart attack

Doctor : Really, why did he have a heart attack?

Relatives : He was really upset and was continually under a lot of stress

Doctor : I see. Why was he upset?

...

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A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona

They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.

Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.

Man: the 3P diet? What's that?

Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini

Man: but doctor, why?

Doctor: because they fit under the door

Suspect: I’m innocent! He died of natural causes.

Police: There was clear evidence that you pushed him off the roof.

Suspect: Well, gravity is natural.

After a gruesome murder in Greenland the suspect is taken in for questioning by the police.

Inspector: Would you mind telling us where you were on the night from October 11th to March 5th?

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A man suspected his wife was cheating on him.

He came home at lunch time and snuck in the house, to find his wife with another man on top of her. So he hit the guy upside the head with a lamp, knocking him out cold.

When the guy woke up, he was in the detached garage with his dick trapped in vise, with the handle broken off so there was ...

SC shooting suspect Dylan Roof has been apprehended.

He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

A cop sees a dancing suspect

Cop: Suspect is engaging in high-profile break-dancing in the main square

Radio: Copy that

Cop: I’ve had a couple breakdance lessons but I’m no way as good as him sir

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

If someone says "Someone in this room has a bomb," I can't rule myself out as a suspect.

- Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note7

Polaroid of the suspect

Reporter: 'Here I am, live at the scene of the crime, in fact I've just learnt the police have a polaroid of the suspect. More on this story as it develops.'

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

How did the dyslexic cop subdue the violent male suspect ?

He used his NUTS gun.

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A man suspect his wife that she might be deaf

She is not responding to his words
So he decided to test her hearing
He entered the Kitchen where she were making launch, he stood near the door, shouted: honey what's the launch? No response from the wife, he gets closer, honey, WHAT is the launch!
No response, get closer and closer HONEY,...

I suspect my local greengrocer is overcharging for veg.

He's only charged me full price for an undersized lettuce, but I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man

So he hired the famous Chinese detective Chen Lee, to report any activities while was gone to work.

A few days later he received this report from the renowned detective:


Most honorable Sir,

You leave house. I watch. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow...

Bank robbery suspect

A bank in Manhattan was robbed by a naked woman yesterday.
"It is likely she'll never be caught" said Police "No one could remember her face."

A worker was suspected of stealing

Every day the security guys would check his wheelbarrow when he was leaving the factory site. They never found anything. It took them weeks to realize that he was stealing wheelbarrows.

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An English lord suspected his wife of cheating

So he hires a private detective to follow her.

On Sunday they meet.

"Well Mortimer" says the lord "what have you discovered?"

"Well sir, on Saturday your wife left at a quarter past three, went into the city, met a man at a five to four, by half past six they left for the cinem...

l already suspected on my drive to the Political left convention that l wouldn’t be welcome

I was right.

A policeman stops a car after suspecting the driver of being heavily drunk

Officer: how high are you ?
The driver: no officer , it's " hi , how are you?"

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

I was pulled over by the police for a suspected DUI.

They ask me to get out of my car.

Officer: We are going to give you a sobriety test.Me: OK

Officer: Say the alphabet starting at L, backward.

Me: L at starting alphabet the.He let me go.

Why did the police suspect the fish sold drugs?

Because they noticed he had a lot of small scales with him.

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?

Where were you on the night of September to March?

I suspect my wife has put superglue on all my firearms.

She denies it of course but I’m sticking to my guns!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

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John Travolta was admitted to hospital suspecting Covid 19

but it turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever and a hospital spokesperson said he was “Stayin’ Alive”!

An inspector calls a suspect into the interrogation room

Suspect: Why am I hear?

Inspector: I will be the one asking questions around here.

Suspect: Is that so?

Inspector: Yes, absolutely... Damn it!!!

I'm beginning to suspect my cat is secretly a Chinese communist.

All she ever talks about is Mao.

A woman goes to the doctor because she suspects she might have covid

She enters the office and while she was in the middle of explaining her symptoms the doctor with a blushed face calls his assistant and asks for a room to admit the woman into the hospital.

The woman surprised says "Are you sure I have covid? It's just a mild cough and I haven't been even tes...

A lady suspects her house is haunted and converts it into a tavern...

She was possessed by the entrepreneurial spirit.

The police are interrogating a suspect

Cop: “Where were you last night? And why are you covered in blood?”

Me: “I went out for a walk & tripped on a rabbit hole. Fell, got up. Tripped again on a foxhole. Got up & fell into a manhole. Cut my head on a rock.”

Cop: “Son, I think you’re lying. Your alibi is full of hole...

The United States finally outlawed the waterboarding of suspected terrorists!

They have decided to replace it with a more politically correct interrogation method: Tactical Baptism

I suspect the motor in my massage chair is starting to go...

It’s been giving me some bad vibes.

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

I’m starting to suspect my neighbor is a communist.

He just puts up a lot of red flags.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Why was Pythagoras not considered a suspect in murder case?

No knew what his angle was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gets pulled over by a policeman for suspected drunk driving.

“Madam, you’re suspected for drunk driving. Please blow this for me for a breath alcohol test.”

“What the hell? That’s your penis, not the breathalyser!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were drunk.”

Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem?

Because of his coffin.

Uh-oh. I think the object of my affections suspects something.

She's changed her WiFi name to "HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice".

Let me tell you the story of obi wan, the suspected cannibal.

Anakin was sitting at the dining table waiting for obi wan to finish chopping up the meat for dinner. Obi wan: You know Anakin, dinner is gonna cost you. Anakin: How much do I pay to eat? Obi wan: 2 legs and an arm!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

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When all the males in the morgue freezer were found missing their penis, police immediately suspected Guy Fieri.

After all, who else would try to pull off frosted tips like that?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog: $10:

He walks up to the gate, and there's a beautiful labrador retriever in the front yard.

"Hello, how are you?" says the dog.

"Oh my goodness. You really can talk!"

"Yep, sure can," says the dog.

"So what's your story?" he asks.

"Well, I discovered I could talk when ...

What do you get when you cross a hillbilly and a murder suspect?

A person of incest.

I would make a joke about how I first suspected I had COVID

But I lost the taste for it

Police want to interview a man suspected for a string of robberies wearing stockings and suspenders.

However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their normal uniform.

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

What did the patient say that made the doctor suspect he had the English strain of COVID-19?

I miss the smell of Marmite.

Man suspects his wife is having an affair

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

 

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husba...

Cop: We suspect you have illegally downloaded all the editions of Encyclopedia Brittanica.

Man: Wait! I can explain everything!

The Hotel California was destroyed last night and they’re looking for the suspect.

Evidence is pointing that its San Andreas’ fault

Officials suspect someone on a flight is a Russian spy

But all the passengers appear to be American tourists returning from abroad. One by one they are taken in for questioning.

"But I swear I'm an American citizen!" the last passenger protests.

"It's a simple test," the official tells him. "Just read what's written on this card."

...

What do you say when you suspect the 'Son of God' to be the impostor in Among us?

Je-sus :)

The police had a lineup of 10 suspects.

They would walk to one of them, and tell them to say a line, in hopes that something would prove that they were lying. Then, they would continue to the next suspect and repeat.

When they got to the guilty suspect, they told him to say: “I did not go on a mass crime spree and kill 300 innocent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm beginning to suspect my brother may be gay...

I'm beginning to suspect my brother may be gay, as several times today I've caught him looking down toward my balls and checking out my arse.

My skirt is a bit short, I suppose.

I am going to meet my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad is a policeman. She ask me to bring something to impress her dad.

So I brought in 2 suspects

My girlfriend suspects I still have feelings for my ex.

Just don’t tell my wife.

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