Is some one dear to you having a suspected stroke, remember, think F.A.S.T.

F. Get on Facebook immediately and search the symptoms from a sympathetic audience.

A. Ask for their thoughts and prayers, this will generate lots of likes.

S. Search for the symptoms on Google or look for helpful YouTube videos.

T. Try a selection of oils, scented candles, he...

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An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".


Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and d...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

A camel decided to educate his son who he suspected was getting a little insquisitive...

"Why do we have two humps," asked the son.
"That's so we can go for days without water. We can store it in the humps."

"Why do we have very long eyelashes?
"That," he was told, "is to protect the eyes from sand in a sand storm."

"And why do we have bulbous looking feet?"
"That...

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A man suspected his wife was cheating on him.

He came home at lunch time and snuck in the house, to find his wife with another man on top of her. So he hit the guy upside the head with a lamp, knocking him out cold.

When the guy woke up, he was in the detached garage with his dick trapped in vise, with the handle broken off so there was ...

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

I would make a joke about how I first suspected I had COVID

But I lost the taste for it

Uh-oh. I think the object of my affections suspects something.

She's changed her WiFi name to "HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice".

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

"Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

Let me tell you the story of obi wan, the suspected cannibal.

Anakin was sitting at the dining table waiting for obi wan to finish chopping up the meat for dinner. Obi wan: You know Anakin, dinner is gonna cost you. Anakin: How much do I pay to eat? Obi wan: 2 legs and an arm!

Police suspect that a recent string of burglaries have been committed by a person obviously suffering from severe IBS. The culprit has left their "calling card" at each house they've broken into.

Unfortunately, the police have no firm leads.

I suspect there is some truth in this...

Doctor : The patient died due to the coronavirus

Relatives : It wasn’t the virus,he had a heart attack

Doctor : Really, why did he have a heart attack?

Relatives : He was really upset and was continually under a lot of stress

Doctor : I see. Why was he upset?

...

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A rich business man suspected his wife of cheating

So he hired a shady private investigator to confirm his suspicions. One afternoon while at work he gets a call from the PI to meet him top of a high rise building. He immediately rushes there. Once there the PI hands him a pair of binoculars and points across the street at the neighbouring high rise...

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A woman gets pulled over by a policeman for suspected drunk driving.

“Madam, you’re suspected for drunk driving. Please blow this for me for a breath alcohol test.”

“What the hell? That’s your penis, not the breathalyser!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were drunk.”

After a gruesome murder in Greenland the suspect is taken in for questioning by the police.

Inspector: Would you mind telling us where you were on the night from October 11th to March 5th?

An old man suspects that his wife has become deaf as she wasn't responding to him

So he calls the doctor to make an appointment. The doctor suggests to make a rough measure of her deafness before bringing her into the hospital.

He sees her wife working at the kitchen.

He stands 30 feet away from her and asks,
"Honey, is the dinner ready?"
She doesn't respond<...

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

I suspect my local greengrocer is overcharging for veg.

He's only charged me full price for an undersized lettuce, but I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.

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A man suspect his wife that she might be deaf

She is not responding to his words
So he decided to test her hearing
He entered the Kitchen where she were making launch, he stood near the door, shouted: honey what's the launch? No response from the wife, he gets closer, honey, WHAT is the launch!
No response, get closer and closer HONEY,...

Cop: Suspect is dancing naked downtown.

Dispatcher: Copy that.

Cop: I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

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John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19

but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona

They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.

Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.

Man: the 3P diet? What's that?

Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini

Man: but doctor, why?

Doctor: because they fit under the door

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger

Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

A cop sees a dancing suspect

Cop: Suspect is engaging in high-profile break-dancing in the main square

Radio: Copy that

Cop: I’ve had a couple breakdance lessons but I’m no way as good as him sir

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

I have always suspected that people are selfish and during disasters will only look after number 1...

...but the Corona virus is proving they are more concerned with number 2's.

A worker was suspected of stealing

Every day the security guys would check his wheelbarrow when he was leaving the factory site. They never found anything. It took them weeks to realize that he was stealing wheelbarrows.

I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOW EATING FOR TWO!!! after a doctor's visit yesterday he confirmed what we’ve been suspecting for weeks now.

she has a tapeworm.

Missed my Cake Day but here's a terrible joke (I think) I came up with.

The whole world was in shock last year when Will Smith was found dead. The police suspected foul play but closed the case due to lack of DNA evidence. We're hearing now though that the investigation is being reopened due to the discovery of fresh prints.








I'm sorry...

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

I suspect the motor in my massage chair is starting to go...

It’s been giving me some bad vibes.

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John Travolta was admitted to hospital suspecting Covid 19

but it turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever and a hospital spokesperson said he was “Stayin’ Alive”!

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting

I suspect he's got black toast intolerance

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been c...

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An English lord suspected his wife of cheating

So he hires a private detective to follow her.

On Sunday they meet.

"Well Mortimer" says the lord "what have you discovered?"

"Well sir, on Saturday your wife left at a quarter past three, went into the city, met a man at a five to four, by half past six they left for the cinem...

I'm beginning to suspect my cat is secretly a Chinese communist.

All she ever talks about is Mao.

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

They say that there is a potential murderer in every friend group

I suspected it was Dave so I killed him before he could harm anyone.

FBI questioning a murder suspect

Q: When did you go to her house?

A: Never

Q: Where are you from?

A: Ghana

Q: Did you sell or give those to her?

A: Give

Q: Who did you contact first?

A: You

Q: Where did you go after you contacted us?

A: Up

The Human Crime Detector

The police have had trouble determining whether or not their suspects are guilty of committing the crimes they were arrested for. After hearing word of a man able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.

They bring the first suspect in, and...

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

Must watch documentary tonight on BBC2 about the covid, 9.00pm.

2 brothers from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on Flight MH370 that miraculously disappeared.

Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain, and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purp...

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Suspect: I’m innocent! He died of natural causes.

Police: There was clear evidence that you pushed him off the roof.

Suspect: Well, gravity is natural.

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Jean suspects her husband is gay

She confronts him about it one day and asks him, “Do you even love me?”

“Of course I do! I love you, Jean!”

She starts crying and screams “I KNEW IT! WHO THE FUCK IS EUGENE?!”

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A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

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A very rich, yet stingy businessman had symptoms of corona...

He decided to get himself tested and went to the clinic.

After he returned from the clinic he saw few calls from his business partner. So he called him back.

His business partner picked up. he sounded worried, "Hey I've been trying to reach you! You didn't pick up so I called your home...

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Friend: "Why do you say that?"

Wife: "He said he wouldn't rest until he found his suspect"

Friend: "That doesn't sound so bad"

Wife: "He was talking in his sleep!"

Why did the police suspect the fish sold drugs?

Because they noticed he had a lot of small scales with him.

Why was the dog put on the No Fly list?

It had ties to suspected terrier organizations

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers”.

She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

This joke was originally told to me in Chinese - let’s see if it flows just as well in English

An emperor with finds out that there is a spy inside his grand army. He decides to interrogate every single person in the army.

A young trooper in the army does not speak the emperor’s native language, and is worried that he would be suspected as the spy. His friends in the army, however, dec...

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I suspected my wife might be cheating on me so I went to my psychic to find out

And there she was, licking that bitch's pussy.

There was a story in the news this morning (really!), that researchers have determined that dogs can tell who is infected with COVID-19 with 96% accuracy, even before someone is symptomatic.

My dog is scaring me to death. He came over to me just now, wearing a surgical mask and face shield. I think he's trying to tell me something.

Also suspect that when you go to the hospital with COVID symptoms, they will do a DG scan. It's like a CT scan, only with a dog instead of a cat.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at t...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.


"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."


Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."


...

Sgt Joe Friday was staking out a building being used by a suspected bank robber

When a witness he questioned a day earlier came up and gave him a picture of the robber's accomplice and a list of 3 banks they were going to rob. Joe Friday knew he had to get this information back to the police station. The only problem was the police station was 10 miles in the other direction an...

Why do detectives look to a Will when searching for murder suspects?

Because a Will is a dead giveaway.

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?

Where were you on the night of September to March?

Suspecting a Cheating Spouse

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

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An Irishman and an American are talking at a music festival.

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is overpriced and tastes like piss.

American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.

*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un ca...

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Detective Shakespeare and his new partner Jameson are on a case...

the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle...

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My wife suspected I was cheating, so to catch me she hired a prostitute to flash her breasts and try to seduce me.

I didn't fall for that shit... I can spot a booby trap a mile away.

I suspect my wife has put superglue on all my firearms.

She denies it of course but I’m sticking to my guns!

An inspector calls a suspect into the interrogation room

Suspect: Why am I hear?

Inspector: I will be the one asking questions around here.

Suspect: Is that so?

Inspector: Yes, absolutely... Damn it!!!

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A man is returning home a day earlier than expected from a business trip......

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, ya...

Imagine my shock when I got home to find my husband had replaced his feet with wheels and was wearing a funnel on his head.

I'd never even suspected he was a trainsvestite.

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

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Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

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Two years ago, my friend told me the worst joke I'd ever heard. Here it is for those of you who don't know it

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to ge...

Here is a war joke for ya all

A passenger train is fully loaded, and a German soldier, on leave, shares a compartment with a decrepit lady, a beautiful young French woman, and a young French man. The train enters a tunnel, and no one can see anything.
A kiss is heard, then a hollow slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel...

Abraham Lincoln's favorite fart joke.

Well, there was a party once, not far from here, which was composed of ladies and gentlemen. A fine table was set and the people were greatly enjoying themselves. Among the crowd was one of those men who had audacity — was quick-witted, cheeky, and self-possessed — never off his guard on any occasio...

Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yel...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for...

She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.

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A man goes into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender and says “Bar keep, a shot of your finest whiskey!”. The bartender grabs a bottle of his finest whiskey and pours the man a shot. As fast as he poured is as fast as the man drank the shot. He slammed the glass down and requested another. The bartender poured the man ...

Suspected terrorist attack as hole is blown into wall of public toilet at Waterloo station...

Police are looking into it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man begins to suspect he has a tapeworm, so he goes to the doctor...

The doctor examines him and confirms that yes, he does have a tapeworm. "And it's a pretty wily one, too. Every time I try to yank it out, it just darts away. I'm gonna have to resort to more unorthodox methods..."

The man doesn't like the sound of that, but he's desperate to get rid of the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

Cop: We suspect you have illegally downloaded all the editions of Encyclopedia Brittanica.

Man: Wait! I can explain everything!

I’m starting to suspect my neighbor is a communist.

He just puts up a lot of red flags.

The U.K. police are looking for a robbery suspect that looks like “Ross” from Friends.

No one ever told him life was gonna be this way.

Why was Pythagoras not considered a suspect in murder case?

No knew what his angle was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the bathroom is closed at the local bar, a man makes a bet with the bartender [Longish Story]

"Sorry sir, the bathroom is closed. You will have to go elsewhere", stated the bartender.

"Elsewhere, you say?" said the man, the wheels slowly clanking into place in his head forming an idea. He ushers the man into the closed bathroom by the sink. "Since I can't pee in this toilet like my gr...

The police had a lineup of 10 suspects.

They would walk to one of them, and tell them to say a line, in hopes that something would prove that they were lying. Then, they would continue to the next suspect and repeat.

When they got to the guilty suspect, they told him to say: “I did not go on a mass crime spree and kill 300 innocent...

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

Police asked the husband "Did you witness the suspect murder your wife?" The husband said "Yes."

Police: "Mind me ask why you did not intervene?"

Husband: "He looked like he was capable of doing it alone."

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

The United States finally outlawed the waterboarding of suspected terrorists!

They have decided to replace it with a more politically correct interrogation method: Tactical Baptism

I went to see my doctor with suspected tennis elbow

She examined me and confirmed it is indeed tennis elbow
She then said “how many years have you been suffering with this ?”
I replied about 15, love...

Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem?

Because of his coffin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men arrive to the Heaven's Gates...

...and are asked by St. Peter, how did they found their final fate.
The 1st man steps forward:
"Well,see, I long suspected that my wife been cheating on me, so today I "left for work", only to come back half an hour later. And what do I see -- my wife naked in bed, and some asshole below our w...

A newly wedded couple

A newly wedded couple moved in to the new house, which happened to be on the same street as grooms parents house. Living so close the mother in law loved to check on her sons wife thru the day and would pay her a visit nearly every day when her son was at work. One afternoon she knocked on the door ...

Polaroid of the suspect

Reporter: 'Here I am, live at the scene of the crime, in fact I've just learnt the police have a polaroid of the suspect. More on this story as it develops.'

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