The 131+ Best Couple Jokes

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.<...

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.

Ravi O'Lee

A middle-aged married couple live in a small house on the beach. One afternoon they get into a huge fight. The woman says to the man, "I'm so angry I can't even stand to look at you right now," and hands him a large bucket.

"Go down to the beach and fill that bucket up with snails for tonight's dinner," The woman tells her husband, "and once you've done that maybe I'll be able to stand being around you again."

The man reluctantly agrees and heads down to the beach with the bucket. It takes him several hours, bu...

A couple go to the Zoo and stop next to a Gorilla’s cage

Husband: “Tease the gorilla like you tease me”

The wife promptly pulls up her shirt….the gorilla starts panting

Husband: “Tease him a little further like you tease me”

The wife mischievously pulls up her skirt….the gorilla is now running and jumping around

The husband ope...

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interv...

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

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[NSFW] Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

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A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

“They were giving dicks like yours...

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

An old couple was sitting in Church...

...and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

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The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

I mean they do not know it yet.

A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

...when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries....

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A married couple are having sex

A married couple are being intimate in the bedroom, when suddenly the wife groans in pain and looks up at her husband.

"Honey... take off your ring before you finger me." She says.

He gives her a confused look and replies, "That's not my ring, that's my watch."

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

A married couple with kid gets h*rny...

on a Sunday morning and thinks about how they can have some time to "cuddle". So they tell their son to go stand on the balcony and look if he can see something new going on in the neighbourhood.

So their son stands on the balcony and they get going. After a few minutes he yells: "Dad, dad! T...

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night.

After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they went and took a little honeymoon in a horse and buggy. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five ...

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

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Three couples in line to enter the Pearly Gates…

St. Peter addresses the first couple. He reads from the big book and finally looks up at the man and says with a dripping sarcasm, “You want to get into heaven? You were the cheapest son of a gun who ever lived! You didn’t give to charity. You didn’t help out family members. You were so obsessed wit...

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A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex...

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Sy...

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Elderly couple

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our h...

Did you hear the sad story about the blond couple that died at the drive-in movie?

They'd gone to see "Closed for Winter".

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"

Wife: "That's your job."

Hasband: "Says who?"

Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."

Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarians desk and says, "Buk", so she gives him a book. A couple minutes later the chicken returns. "Buk", he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.

Finally it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk" says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit" replies the frog...

Two older couples decide to go out for dinner.

The two husbands sit in the front seat, and the two wives in the rear. The driver asks "Where should we go"? The other gentleman says "We had some great fish the other day". "Where was that?" comes the reply. The passenger gets a confused look on his face. He thinks for a bit and says "Give me the n...

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."

"I know," replied the second dog owner, "my dog told me."

An elderly couple gets divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any lo...

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

A couple was going to get married…

but unfortunately they had a car crash and died. Before the gates of St Peter they stood thinking maybe they could get married in heaven. So they ask St Peter, and Peter says ”Well it’s quite rare, but let me see what I can do.” So St Peter goes into heaven. As the couple sits for a couple of months...

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A elderly couple want to spice up their second life

They decide that the woman will take control for that evening.

She pushes the man to the bed and tells him to wait there while she gets changed in the bathroom.

She comes out a few minutes later wearing nothing but a cape, she stands there and yells SUPER VAGINA

The man replies ...

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

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A couple in bed after sex.

**Her**: My, you've got to be the worst lover in the world.

**Him**: Oh really? And how, exactly, did you figure this out in 17 seconds?

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

I despise it when a couple has a minor quarrel and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to "single.”

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to "orphan."

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.
ISIS guy: Are you moslem?
Christian: Yes I am.
ISIS guy: Recite a verse from Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from Bible.
ISIS guys: Yallah-ho-snackbar, you can go.

Later Christian guy's wife: I can't believe you too...

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

Two older couples were having breakfast.

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

Old man 2: What's its name?

Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?

Old man 2: Carnation?

Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

Old man 2: Rose?

Old man 1: That's it. (turns...

A married couple rushes to the hospital...

because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.

When the birthing process s...

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

"Can I help you?"

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the doo...

A couple in their 80's

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man get...

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door b...

a nice Italian couple . . .

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married...

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A couple take their son to the circus....

After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs. "Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?", the boy asks. The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey", and is relieved when the father ...

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

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This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

A happy couple was once celebrating their first anniversary...

And during the entire celebration, the husband carried his wife on his back. When a friend asked why he was doing this, the man replied, "I'm a turtle." The friend then asked about his wife, to which he replied, "Oh, her? She's Michelle."

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

Diary Entries of a Married Couple

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I s...

r/funny told me to post it here. So, a married couple went to the hospital

A married couple went to the hospital so that the woman could give birth to her child. Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor se...

I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”

Which might explain why his marriage failed.

To the couple that left their 9 children at Yankee stadium for the day

Please come pick them up. They're beating the Yankees 11 - 2.

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost ...

You thought the last couple jokes you heard were bad?

Well, this Fibonacci joke is worse than the last two combined.

A young couple's house gets burgled, so they decide to get a guard dog...

The wife goes to a pet shop and tells the owner "I'd like to see the toughest guard dog you've got!"

The owner answers "I've got just the dog for you!". He presents to her to a tiny chihuahua called Roxy.

"Sure he's cute, but can he really guard a home?" she asks skeptically.

"L...

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A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex

A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex. Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the five other condoms?”
He rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Errmm, I...

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to a recently married couple's house...

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely naked.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law ex...

A couple was in Thailand for vacation.

They ordered a massage session for themselves, one for him and one for her.

After massaging the man for 30 minutes, the Thai girl said, "Massage pinis."

The man looked sheepish but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.

The Thai masseur said again, "Massage ...

An escaped convict breaks into a couple’s home

The couple is being held at gunpoint in their kitchen when the convict grabs the wife and whispers intently in her ear before letting her go.
The husband pulls her in close and says to her “look, this man has been locked up for who knows how long, hasn’t seen a woman in years. Maybe just let him ...

A cop pulls over an old couple…

Asks for license and registration and asks do you know how fast you were going sir?

- husband: “gee officer Im not sure”
- wife: 85 mph officer, he passed several signs before you pulled him over”
The husband then looks the wife with the corner of his eye obviously upset

The poli...

Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing.

Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"

The wife turned around and stripped naked.

The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Dave...

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An elderly couple gets pulled over by a cop.

The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem. The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone.
The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?"

The husband replies "He says you were speeding!"
The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry offic...

A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding.

They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.

Peter scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.

Well he’s gone for a very lon...

Young couple at doctors office

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,

"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need...

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

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A married couple is asleep when the phone rings at 3AM.

The wife answers it, and after a few seconds she replies, "How should I know? We're 300 miles inland."

The husband asks, "Who was that, dear?"

"I don't know. Some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

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Deaf couple get married...

...and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the Wife proposes a solution.
"Honey...

A man walked up to the most beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in the supermarket?" "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman is intrigued and asks him, "Why?"

The man replies, "Because every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere".

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Three couples on vacation die together in an accident

They ascend to heaven and fly up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter is waiting for them. The first couple floats up to St. Pete and the husband asks, “St. Peter, do we get into heaven?” St. Peter responds, “Unfortunately, sir, you spent your entire life in the pursuit of money, so much so, that yo...

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

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A young couple is outside doing yard work..

They’ve been working hard all morning and the wife says “boy I’m cooked, I’m gonna go inside and clean up.” The husband tells her he’s going to stay outside and keep working for a while.

She goes inside the house, up the stairs into the bathroom, gets the water running, and gets completely un...

A couple of banjo jokes

Q: What's perfect pitch?

A: Tossing a banjo into a dumpster and not hitting the sides.

Q: What's the difference between a busload of banjo players and a busload of frogs?

A: More likely than not, the busload of frogs is going to a gig.

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fcuking painful.

A couple of Thai girls asked if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery.

They were right, we had six matching balls.

Two elderly couples have their weekly meet up at a table in their local park.

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.

Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"

Harold says "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"

"What do they do there?" asks ...

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...

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A married couple and a single man are stranded on an island

After a few weeks the single man is getting very horny. The married woman one day whispers to him, "I'd love to help you out but my husband wouldn't stand for it, and as you know, it's a tiny island with only one tree." The single man says, "It's ok. I'll think of something." Every day they take...

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers...

A German couple has a baby...

For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”

Why can't Asian couples have Caucasian babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white.

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their50th wedding anniversary.”You know,” she said, “We were probably sitting in the kitchen across fromeach other 50 years ago.”

“Yeah,” he said, “But we were probably naked.”

"So let’s get naked now,” she suggested.So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “My nipples feel just as hot lookingat you today as they did 50 years ago.”
<...

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”...

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening

When the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I'...

Cop pulls over a couple

Cop: Your back tail light is out

Husband: I didn't know. I'll get it fixed tomorrow.

Wife:I told you two days ago to get it fixed.

Cop: Sir, your license is also expired.

Husband: I didn't realize that.

Wife: I told you last week that the state sent you a letter a...

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