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If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

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Do you know what people sing in the shower after having satisfied their partner sexually?

I didn't think so.

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Before you know your future partner and after you marry them is like the same thing

There’s no sex

In Russia a rookie police officer was assigned to ride along with a senior officer to learn the ropes. On his first day the pair came across the body of a famous politician who had been shot 30 times and set on fire. The rookie looked at his senior partner and said "This is obviously murder."

To which the partner replied "Could also be a suicide. Just depends on who killed him."

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I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

Apparently Rihanna is partnering with Nike to make big shoes for women

They're calling them AirRihanna Grandes

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

Watching Puss n Boots: You know if I were a criminal i dont think i could trust and egg for a partner...

They would crack to easy if the got caught!

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

How can you tell if your partner is a true communist comrade?

They only take as much blanket as they need.

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How does a necrophiliac date his sexual partners?

Carbon-14.

I walked into the biology lab and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect.

I told him, "I think your fly is open."

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

My partner and I can never agree on vacations.

I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

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Death is the ultimate sexual partner.

She comes for us all.

Partners of women with a hearing problem are in the happiest relationship.

They always say, "Come again?"

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!"


Always Tolkien in their sleep...

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What do you do if your partner smokes after sex?

What do you do if your partner smokes after sex?

Slow down and use more lubrication.

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I started playing tennis recently. on the first day I had to tell my tennis partner "I can't grasp these balls" he asked why not.

I said "I'm used to holding a shuttle cock"

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates should partner up to make a medicine that makes your dick long

And name it ElonGates

My partner forgot to put broccoli in our salad.

I felt broccoli robbed.

I just got a Cadillac for my partner

Best trade ever

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What do you call a girl who counts all her casual sex partners?

Tally Ho!

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It must be a hard time for homosexuals searching for partners

Most of them are not coming out.

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What is a priest’s rule of thumb when picking a sex partner?

“If the grass isn’t growing, play ball!”

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A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple

The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the eart...

Girls at dances who are sitting by the wall waiting for a partner are called wallflowers...

So does that make men doing the same ‘wallnuts’?

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Was walking in the woods with my wife the other day. Picked up a pebble and told her about these traditions natives Americans had. They would give their partners an Sex Stone. But this one...

..was just a Fuckin Rock.

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If you are arguing with your sex partner...

You are actually wasting your fucking time .

Last year me and my company were partnered with Vidcon

So, I guess you could say we were Co-Vid19

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When is it okay for your partner to lie to you during sex?

When his name is Pinocchio and you’re sitting on his face.

Why can't the obtuse angle find a partner?

He doesn't have the acute knowledge.

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

Blind partners are the most faithful

They never see anyone else!

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . ...

My partner asked me to stop singing Oasis songs...

I said maybe

What did Britain say to its trade partners?

See EU later.

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner whit them?

They’re pair-a-medics.

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What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

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A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratul...

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A newly dating couple were walking in the woods

When suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky, it was a UFO!

A door opened, and a male and female alien stepped out of the craft.

“We would like to experience love making with humans”, said the male alien.

“Please swap your partner with me, and we can all try making love wit...

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A very rich, yet stingy businessman had symptoms of corona...

He decided to get himself tested and went to the clinic.

After he returned from the clinic he saw few calls from his business partner. So he called him back.

His business partner picked up. he sounded worried, "Hey I've been trying to reach you! You didn't pick up so I called your home...

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What did the chicken say to his partner during sex?

Boc dirty to me

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

What do you call your partner when you're in an unhealthy relationship?

A snack

An American tourist in Ireland...

An American tourist is on holiday for a few weeks in country Ireland.

On his second day he has to cash a cheque at a bank so he goes to the bank on the high street.

While waiting in line he looks out the window & notices 2 irish council workers going up 1 side of the street, then t...

According to a survey, one in three people cheat on their partners

Now I need to figure out if it is my wife or my girlfriend

*Cowboy walks into a saloon and approaches the biggest guy there*, “What’s yer name partner?” “My names Terry.” He replied. “Terry?! That’s a girls name!”

Poor Nameless Cowboy.

Died from dissin’ Terry.

A Chinese man goes for a job interview in Aberystwyth

He does really well in the written test, really well again in the group assessment, and finally impresses all the partners in the interview.

At the end of the day the senior partner calls him into the office and goes "we've all been really impressed with you today, but there's just one thing ...

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In Catholicism, you can only have sex with your partner when you are married. So if priests are married to God, they can have sex with God.

And sometimes they cheat on God with altar boys.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

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A guy is watching TV with his girlfriend...

The talk show host is blabbing on about effective communication in relationships. "Sometimes, you can say things that make your partner happy. Sometimes you say things that make them sad. And sometimes you can even say something that makes them sad and happy at the same time..."

The guy scoff...

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The Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her ...

Newcastle has partnered with Moscow to corner the napkin market.

They're going to call it, "The Serviette Union"

Why doesn't Nancy Pelosi make a good bridge partner?

She always bids no trump.

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the...

What does a racer has who always finishes first

Unsatisfied partner

This joke was stolen from Ronald Reagan. And it’s good.

One day, an order went out to the police departments in the Soviet Union that anyone caught speeding, anyone, no matter who, gets a ticket. One day, the General Secretary was late leaving his country home to get to Moscow. He runs up to his limousine and tells the driver to get in the back, and that...

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So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert

When he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection.

“Howdy! Whatcha doin?” the cowboy asks the Indian.

“It’s an old trick we use to tell the time of the day” the Indian says.

“Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?” the cowboy inqu...

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The pope is driving in a limousine...

He looks at his watch nervously and then at the driver: "Excuse me but could you go a bit faster, I have a meeting with the president and I really don't want to be late."
The driver responds: "With all due respect your hollynes, I can't go faster than the speed limit or I might lose my licence."...

The Potato

A man went to the beach in hopes of meeting a pretty girl, but he couldn't attract attention no matter what he did.

He noticed another man in a speedo and a cowboy hat. All the girls at the beach were flocking around him, flirting and smiling. The man walked up to the guy in the cowboy hat an...

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A man would like to live 150 years

He goes to the doctor and asks if it may be possible:

The doctor asks : « Do you drink alcohol? 
- Not at all.
- Do you do drugs ?
- Never ever!
- Do you have numerous sexual partners?
- No. »

The doctor then looks the man deep in the eye and asks: « then why the hell do...

I'm Jack, and this is my partner, Auf.

We're Jack 'n Auf.

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner. One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the so...

Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

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Do I need a partner to get blowjobs?

No, because my life already sucks.

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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner only had one golf ball...

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well,"...

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next mornings newspaper headline reads, "Worlds Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

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Three very successful businessmen were sitting in a restaurant and discussed about their sons

First businessman goes to say "my son finished Oxford University, now he has his own company, he's rich and for his best friend's birthday he got him a brand new Lamborghini"


"Wow that's very impressive" they all agree


Second one says "my son, my pride and joy, he opened his ow...

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A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

Who did the lemon rob the bank with?

His partner in lime.

Police dogs will be made to have another police dog as a partner starting from next month

The academy is already teaching them how to do a good boy/bad boy routine.

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Two Scottish couples

Two Scottish couples decide to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Brian says: "You look exactly like my GF. I hope you had as much fun as I did".

His swap replied - Baa

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

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My partner recently asked why I charge her for sex.

I replied with “If you’re good at something you should never do it for free.”

She looked at me confused and said “So’, why do you charge for sex?”

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase...

So I can unzip those genes.

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How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner

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A recent study shows that 60% of people use their cellphones to cheat on their partners.

The remaining 40% prefer to use their penis.

If I had to wrestle Satan and was allowed to pick a partner, I’d pick Bob Ross

He always knew how to beat the devil.

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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.

"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment ...

Last night my deaf partner was talking in their sleep...

...nearly took my eye out.

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

Two couples decide to swap partners for the evening.

Couple 1: “Oh my goodness Morgan I’m so glad we swapped tonight. I needed this freak night”. “Me too Dale. Let’s go see how the girls did!”

My partner asked how I got invited to the Archery Champions Ball.

I told her I had to pull a few strings.

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A joke I heard from my grandmother

An old farmer went into to town to buy a cock (rooster) and some supplies. The supplies cost less than expected. With some extra cash and time on his hands, the farmer thought he would catch a movie at the local theater.
Arriving at the theater the farmer realized that he did not have a way to k...

A successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"Welcome to the family!" said the businessman. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50% partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operation."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I se...

How do two German car enthusiast cowboys greet each other?

Audi, partner

After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born ‘No Pun’.

That way they’ll certainly be aware that they weren’t intended.

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I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

I wouldn't want them to know my real name.

Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300

Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;

“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.”
“Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already...”
“Ok then, give me the dead donke...

If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3km in the morning & 3km in the evening.

After two weeks, the fat f*cker will be 84km away.

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Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

Your partner has to chew before they swallow.

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I couldnt stay with my girlfriend after I found out she had 144 sexual partner in her lifetime.

It was a gross amount.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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