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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

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I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!"


Always Tolkien in their sleep...

My partner forgot to put broccoli in our salad.

I felt broccoli robbed.

My partner and I can never agree on vacations.

I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

I just got a Cadillac for my partner

Best trade ever

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It must be a hard time for homosexuals searching for partners

Most of them are not coming out.

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What is a priest’s rule of thumb when picking a sex partner?

“If the grass isn’t growing, play ball!”

Girls at dances who are sitting by the wall waiting for a partner are called wallflowers...

So does that make men doing the same ‘wallnuts’?

Last year me and my company were partnered with Vidcon

So, I guess you could say we were Co-Vid19

What do you do with your partner after contracting the coronavirus?

Netflix and ill.

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Was walking in the woods with my wife the other day. Picked up a pebble and told her about these traditions natives Americans had. They would give their partners an Sex Stone. But this one...

..was just a Fuckin Rock.

Why are most solar systems bad business partners?

Most are rated one star and even the best only have three.

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates should partner up to make a medicine that makes your dick long

And name it ElonGates

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A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple

The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the eart...

Blind partners are the most faithful

They never see anyone else!

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When is it okay for your partner to lie to you during sex?

When his name is Pinocchio and you’re sitting on his face.

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner whit them?

They’re pair-a-medics.

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What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

What did Britain say to its trade partners?

See EU later.

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What did the chicken say to his partner during sex?

Boc dirty to me

What do you call your partner when you're in an unhealthy relationship?

A snack

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If you are arguing with your sex partner...

You are actually wasting your fucking time .

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

My partner asked me to stop singing Oasis songs...

I said maybe

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the...

*Cowboy walks into a saloon and approaches the biggest guy there*, “What’s yer name partner?” “My names Terry.” He replied. “Terry?! That’s a girls name!”

Poor Nameless Cowboy.

Died from dissin’ Terry.

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In Catholicism, you can only have sex with your partner when you are married. So if priests are married to God, they can have sex with God.

And sometimes they cheat on God with altar boys.

Newcastle has partnered with Moscow to corner the napkin market.

They're going to call it, "The Serviette Union"

Why doesn't Nancy Pelosi make a good bridge partner?

She always bids no trump.

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How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner

According to a survey, one in three people cheat on their partners

Now I need to figure out if it is my wife or my girlfriend

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Halloween party

A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

I'm Jack, and this is my partner, Auf.

We're Jack 'n Auf.

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Do I need a partner to get blowjobs?

No, because my life already sucks.

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner only had one golf ball...

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well,"...

3 men die and go to heaven....

Upon entry, St.Peter says, "You will be rewarded based on how honest and faithful you were in your relationships."

The first man had never cheated on his wife and was extremely faithful. So he was given a Cadillac.

The second man had once had an affair but had soon changed and was fa...

Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

Police dogs will be made to have another police dog as a partner starting from next month

The academy is already teaching them how to do a good boy/bad boy routine.

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

Two guys out playing golf. One is about to take his shot when he sees a funeral procession go by.

He stops, takes his hat off and bows his head until the procession passes. He puts his hat back on and gets ready to take his shot when his partner stops him and says, "Hang on. I just gotta say I've never seen anyone do that on the links before, that was really touching."

1st guy replies, "W...

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My partner recently asked why I charge her for sex.

I replied with “If you’re good at something you should never do it for free.”

She looked at me confused and said “So’, why do you charge for sex?”

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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name o...

My brother and I are partners in a shoe business but we decided to split the business

Now I am the sole proprietor.

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A couple is watching TV together...

...and the man keeps switching channels back and forth between golf and porn over and over again.

Finally, his partner says "Jesus Christ,can you stop doing that please? Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf."

Why did the vegans go to the wine and cheese event

Because they wanted to wine about the cheese

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A fire chief goes into a burning house

The fire had just became controllable and was starting to calm down. However, two fire fighters were still inside the building. He went to check on them to see if they were fine.

He finds them both upstairs fucking each other.

"What the hell is this!?" He said

"Well chief, my p...

An old Jewish Man is laying in his deathbed

He's about to say his final farewells and asks his wife to come close to him.

He asks, "Are my daughters here?"

His wife dutifully answers, "Yes, all you daughters are here with their partners and children."

He next asks, "Are my sons here?"

His wife replies, "Yes of cour...

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A recent study shows that 60% of people use their cellphones to cheat on their partners.

The remaining 40% prefer to use their penis.

Two couples decide to swap partners for the evening.

Couple 1: “Oh my goodness Morgan I’m so glad we swapped tonight. I needed this freak night”. “Me too Dale. Let’s go see how the girls did!”

How do male pray mantises turn on their partners?

They give them a little head.

I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase...

So I can unzip those genes.

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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.

"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment ...

If I had to wrestle Satan and was allowed to pick a partner, I’d pick Bob Ross

He always knew how to beat the devil.

My partner asked how I got invited to the Archery Champions Ball.

I told her I had to pull a few strings.

Last night my deaf partner was talking in their sleep...

...nearly took my eye out.

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

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Two Irish Couples

Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.


After 3 hours of amazing sex, Brian says: "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

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Classic

A woman goes to the doctors complaining about her partner. "I just keep thinking he's only with me because I'm gullible and stupid" she sobbed "Could there be something mentally wrong with me?" "I'm sorry Miss Jones" said the doctor, taking off his glasses. "I'm going to have to take a look at yo...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300

Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;

“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.”
“Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already...”
“Ok then, give me the dead donke...

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the...

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Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born ‘No Pun’.

That way they’ll certainly be aware that they weren’t intended.

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I couldnt stay with my girlfriend after I found out she had 144 sexual partner in her lifetime.

It was a gross amount.

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being young and naive falling for the one you believe to be your soulmate and spending so much time and effort to get in a relationship with them and when it finally happens you are happy but your partner isn’t, but they don’t actually show it, and it gets to the point where you are now married and ...

If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3km in the morning & 3km in the evening.

After two weeks, the fat f*cker will be 84km away.

Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

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Two Hillbillies Have Lunch

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks...

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I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

I wouldn't want them to know my real name.

How do electrical engineers propose their partners?

j love you.

In a random chat a woman I never met messaged me "You are rather gifted at analingus." I was shocked, I never met her, and I didn't think she communicated with any of my former partners.

Then she messaged correction analogies.

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TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in
a day are not enough, reme mber the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a...

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

I licked my partners ear...

And caught hearing aids

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

I phoned my partner while I was in the car after picking the kids up from school.

"You don't like being a single mum, do you?" I asked her.

She said, "No, I don't."

I said, "Well, if I changed that, how would that make you feel?"

"Oh my goodness!" she replied, unable to contain herself. "Are you going to propose?"

I said, "No, I've just driven our car ...

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..<...

Marriage is...

Marriage is knowing you never want your partner to die, but hating them for chewing too loud.

So I figured out why so many religions don't allow women to have multiple partners.

It's because they're holey

$100 Bills Stuck Together

An old lady was getting her will redone at her lawyer's office and paying her bill. Unknown to her there were two $100 bills stuck together. Right away the lawyer thinks to himself, 'Hmm I got an ethical problem'.
'Do I tell my partner'.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
<...

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes,...

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

Where would you take your partner if you went to China?

Baejing.

What did the redditor say to their partner

Be gentle this is my first time

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

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