My partner is a diehard communist and loves China and Russia.

I saw red flags on day one but ignored them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to list my sexual partners, in order.

I guess I should have stopped at her name.

Why couldn't the cowboy please his partner?

He thought 8 seconds was some kind of record

I left my partner for a calculator

I needed someone I could count on

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.

The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."

"Insurance policy?"

"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no lon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a partner that's always there for you when you're down, but also extremely horny?

A cum-forter

What do you call investing your partners paycheck into a crypto currency they don't like?

Passive aggressive income

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you're single trying to attract a partner it's important to project the qualities you desire...

but boy oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick lately.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he had

He started to count but he fell asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

Why do black widow spiders kill their partners after they mate?

They can't stand to listen to the snoring.

Things you can say about your computer but not your partner

I'll start,
It takes me three tries to plug in my stick

My partner suggested getting married to make our relationship more secure...

I suggested we called it our rElaT10nsh!p.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New study shows the average person has 8 sexual partners in their life.

However it is being criticized for counting your mom who has sex with 30 new people a day and is therefore a statistical outlier.

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, “with who?“

But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.

Instead ask, “with whom? “ It is important to speak good English.

My partner said they like to role-play dirty dishes.

That’s when it Dawned on me.

When we got married, my partner turned into A wife.

After our first big argument I started referring to her as my B wife.

She's now up to S wife with just 5 more chances before she becomes the X wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: You get to a point in a relationship where you've seen your partner's butthole more than they have. This is a beautiful thing.

Priest: the bride has also written her own vowes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you sure as hell better have a good hand.

If you don’t have a good partner, you sure as hell better have a good hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sexual partners are like ninjas...

You will never see the coming

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
<...

Me and my partner were doing some spring cleaning

All the chores had piled up over winter. There was so many tasks to complete so we decided to split them up. She told me to do the living room and bedroom because there was more to do there and she would take the kitchen.
I said "man.. I got 99 problems but a dish ain't one"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your partner has problems watching you masturbate they are?

A) have intimacy issues
B) frigid
C) should sit somewhere else on the bus

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

My partner left me because of my pasta feeling fetish

I'm feeling cannelloni right now...

Marriage counselor: Your partner allows you to make independent decisions? Me: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*

Me: Yes, of course

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Finally left my partner because she always wanted to have sex in the dark. Never wanted it to end this way, but I had to for my penis...

She never saw it coming

My partner asked if we could watch that old movie from the 40's, "Gaslight"

I told them, "No, don't you remember? We watched it yesterday."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store.

You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!

I got a brand new Tesla for my partner

Pretty decent trade, if you as me.

My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man works up courage to ask his wife how many sexual partners she had before him

She says "really?" and goes silent. Doesn't say anything in the morning. Or afternoon. Or the next day. After 3 days, husband approaches his wife and apologetically asks - "Why are you giving me the silent treatment? Are you mad at me for that stupid question?"

Raising her finger she says "Sh...

One drunk says to their drinking partner, "I want to sleep with 1000 people before I reach 30!" The other lush slurs…

"Don't be stupid, you have to sleep with 30 first!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

What did the kidnapper say to his partner?

Hi-Jack

The best thing i have heard today was a pregnant women arguing with her partner

And she said “I have two brains and you have one”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

A conversation between me and my partner....

Him: Have you ever been caught sniffing your moms underwear?

Me: What? No!

Him: You must be pretty good at it then.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

Your partner chews before they swallow.

Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.

A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what she's looking for.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I don't know what kind he uses."

"Is it the ball type?"

"No," she replied. "It's for his armpits."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their sexual prowess.

The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.

"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

A girl goes to a psychic. Don and Joe both like her and she is confused and wants to find out who is the lucky one that can be her life partner.

Psychic: "Don is going to the be the lucky one.

Joe will marry you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple were at a pharmacy when they noticed a real old man buying Viagra

The woman nudged her partner (while pointing at the old man) asking to take care of her even when they get old.

Inspired by the old man, the man goes up to him to thank him for being an inspiration. He then asks him, how did they keep the fire alive for so long?

The old man replied, “...

What do you call someone who goes to bars to find potential new partners?

A bar-tinder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sid and Irv are business partners.

They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For a school video project, I was partnered with the class bitch

Wanting it to be finished as soon as possible, I told her that I would do most of the project as long as she would stay out of my way. I then realized that my computer was undergoing repairs so I asked her if she had any audio editing software. And let me tell you,


This bitch had the Auda...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what people sing in the shower after having satisfied their partner sexually?

I didn't think so.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why sex life of necrophiacs is frustrating?

Potential partners are under a rock

My partner caught me saving my pubes earlier

She asked “what the hell are you doing?”
Apparently ‘preparing your dinner’ was not the correct response.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How come The Flash leaves his partners temporarily blinded after sex?

Cause they get Flashbanged.

What do you call Fidel Castro cheating on a partner?

In-Fidel Castro

My partner and I can never agree on vacations.

I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before you know your future partner and after you marry them is like the same thing

There’s no sex

There are 70 ways to please your partner. The first one is kissing.

You still have 69.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a necrophiliac date his sexual partners?

Carbon-14.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My two sex partners aren't aware of each other.

The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know? (NSFW)

Did you know that a man who hides things from his partner can only ejaculate three times? I'm afraid that's just how things are...

...until he's forthcoming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens to a bisexual when they can't find a partner?

They're on StandBi

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!"


Always Tolkien in their sleep...

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you call someone that really enjoys pleasuring their partner’s asshole?

A crack addict.

Homecomeback

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor. After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward f...

Erectile Dysfunction

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an traditional healer, who was well known to have a very good naturopathic cure for erectile dysfunction!

As he despised western medicine, believing the conspiracy theo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should partner up to make a medicine that makes your dick long

And name it ElonGates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the carpenter only have one sexual partner?

He was a serial mahoganist.

The world's scariest boxing partner

You know who's tough to beat in a fight? Elton John. Even when you think you've got him beat, he's still standing, better than he's ever been; looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid.

Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.

Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.

Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.

Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.

Wife: Will you let her use my car?

Husband: Of course not

Wife: ...

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Detective Shakespeare and his new partner Jameson are on a case...

the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle...

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

A former female church member partnered with me in my start up.

She's nun of my business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

Partners of women with a hearing problem are in the happiest relationship.

They always say, "Come again?"

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple

The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the eart...

I walked into the biology lab and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect.

I told him, "I think your fly is open."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It must be a hard time for homosexuals searching for partners

Most of them are not coming out.

How can you tell if your partner is a true communist comrade?

They only take as much blanket as they need.

A 4’6” woman walks into a matchmaking service…

A 4’6” (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.

She says to the man behind the counter, “I’m really insecure about my height, so the only thing I’m looking for in a partner is that he’s shorter than me.”

The man replies, “You’ve got really low standards.”

.

[OC, ...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started playing tennis recently. on the first day I had to tell my tennis partner "I can't grasp these balls" he asked why not.

I said "I'm used to holding a shuttle cock"

An artist, accountant and engineer have lunch

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says "Marriage for me. I love my wife, she's my rock, she's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I owe her everything."

The artist says "I'd never marry. I am lost without my mistr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a girl who counts all her casual sex partners?

Tally Ho!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was walking in the woods with my wife the other day. Picked up a pebble and told her about these traditions natives Americans had. They would give their partners an Sex Stone. But this one...

..was just a Fuckin Rock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you are arguing with your sex partner...

You are actually wasting your fucking time .

Me: 'Hello, I would like to make a withdrawal.'

Receptionist: 'Are you sure you're not here to make a *deposit*, sir?'

Me: "No."

Receptionist: 'Just a few questions, sir. Are you married?'

Me: "Uhm, no."

Receptionist: 'Do you have a partner?"

Me: "No, again. Why do you need to know my marital status and relation...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do if your partner smokes after sex?

What do you do if your partner smokes after sex?

Slow down and use more lubrication.

I went to see my marriage counsellor.

He asked, "What is the last thing you do before you go to sleep?"

"Recently, I've been checking that all the doors are locked. Then I look out of my window."

"It sounds like you still value the safety of your partner."

"No," I said, "I just like to make sure there's nobody aroun...

My partner asked me to stop singing Oasis songs...

I said maybe

Why are most solar systems bad business partners?

Most are rated one star and even the best only have three.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When is it okay for your partner to lie to you during sex?

When his name is Pinocchio and you’re sitting on his face.

What do you do with your partner after contracting the coronavirus?

Netflix and ill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a priest’s rule of thumb when picking a sex partner?

“If the grass isn’t growing, play ball!”

*Cowboy walks into a saloon and approaches the biggest guy there*, “What’s yer name partner?” “My names Terry.” He replied. “Terry?! That’s a girls name!”

Poor Nameless Cowboy.

Died from dissin’ Terry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't worry, no matter what your stance is on anal sex..

I'm sure you'll partner will be right behind you.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.