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I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

If I had to wrestle Satan and was allowed to pick a partner, I’d pick Bob Ross

He always knew how to beat the devil.

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How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase...

So I can unzip those genes.

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I'm always Frank with my sexual partners

I wouldn't want them to know my real name would I?

How do electrical engineers propose their partners?

j love you.

If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3km in the morning & 3km in the evening.

After two weeks, the fat f*cker will be 84km away.

After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born ‘No Pun’.

That way they’ll certainly be aware that they weren’t intended.

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends "partner in crime"

Like we get it bro, she's under-age

I licked my partners ear...

And caught hearing aids

I phoned my partner while I was in the car after picking the kids up from school.

"You don't like being a single mum, do you?" I asked her.

She said, "No, I don't."

I said, "Well, if I changed that, how would that make you feel?"

"Oh my goodness!" she replied, unable to contain herself. "Are you going to propose?"

I said, "No, I've just driven our car ...

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

So I figured out why so many religions don't allow women to have multiple partners.

It's because they're holey

A grad student is working with his lab partner on a science project for his robot acoustics research

When the student says to his lab partner, “There seems to be something missing from our robot that is keeping the voice audio from converting into an electrical signal”.

The lab partner, in an effort to help his friend, heads down the street to the computer shop to see if he can figure out w...

What does a cow call his life partner?

Their Significant Udder

What did the vampire hunter say to his dying partner?

What? I'm sorry but everyone makes mistakes.

Last night my deaf partner was talking in their sleep...

...nearly took my eye out.

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

Your partner for this mission is the man you’ll need in the unlikely event things go badly.

Justin Case

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

Looking for a Writing Partner for a book.

"Facing Codependency Together"

What did the redditor say to their partner

Be gentle this is my first time

What's it called when a triangle has multiple partners?

Polygony.

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

How do atoms find a partner to bond with?

Through carbon dating

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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.

"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment ...

Where would you take your partner if you went to China?

Baejing.

A pregnant woman arguing with her partner...

— I have two brains and you have one!

What does a Mortal Kombat character look for most in a partner?

PERSONALITY!

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How to break up with your partner

You: Your ex is sexy


Them: Which one?

You: Me lol, bye

A priest told me that he only like his partners like the evening

I responded asking him what he meant by liking his partners like the evening.

​

He replied he only liked them from 6 through to 12.

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners.

Cracker wants a poly.

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I think that the nuclear launch codes should be kept in the hands of women, and those codes should also represent the number of sexual partners they have had.

That way they will never give up the real numbers under any circumstances.

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order...

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

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Wife wants to leave partner after he fucks an entire country

Boris Johnson's wife is reported to have said "I want to leave EU" and in 2 years once the divorce bill goes through he will officially be entering the single market.

This big Texan guy went up on stage and said "Can I get an 'owdy partner?"

I thought what a bloody cheek. Most of us can't even afford a round of drinks and this guy shows up outta nowhere and wants a free car.

A survey has found that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner.

Men do that too. It's called silent.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with a medicine man living in a nearby village who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the village and saw the medicine man.

The old medicine man gave him a potion and, with a firm grip on his shoulder, warned ...

I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed......

....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.

My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him.

At first, I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison.

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I decided today that I would save myself for my wife. No sex, no porn, I wouldn't even masturbate until I was able to be with my Life Partner, my Eternal Love, my Wife.

She is usually home around 7:30.

I was having trouble finding a singing partner,

so I bought myself a duet yourself kit.

Why is having multiple partners simultaneously not love?

Because love is always <3

Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades.

This process is commonly called marriage.

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Two couples decided to swap partners for sex

Two couples decided to swap partners for sex.

Afterwards, one of the guys said," That felt great! I wonder how the girls are doing."

I recently signed on as a partner at this vampire hunting firm.

I'm a stakeholder now.

What did the toast say to his partner while they were doing sixty nine?

“Babe, I’m gonna crumb!”

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When you're single trying to attract a partner it's important to project the qualities you desire

I understand this, but boy, oh boy, have I had to suck a *lot* of dick lately.

I asked my lab partner if he has the sodium hypobromite

He said NaBrO.

I've known my limbo partner for years...

...we go way back.

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes,...

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What's the surest way to turn your partner off during sex?

Close your browser.

How did Shakira win her partner over?

She Piqued his curiosity.

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one."

"Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next!" says ...

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Two women are partners at a science laboratory

They both work together and create a breakthrough in modern science.
Their boyfriends receive this news while they are both at the bar together.
One boyfriend turns to the other and says,
"Dude, we're fuckin' geniuses."

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Two couples are getting bored with their sex lives, so they decide to swap partners

After a night of wild passionate sex, Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."

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When Donald Trump has sex, his female partner is always on top.

Because he can only fuck up.

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What did the horny toothbrush say to it's partner...

I want some Oral, B

Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods...

...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, "What the hell is that?", Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

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Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

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Why'd Batman stop working with his first partner?

He was too much of a dick.

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Today i learned that the average person has 8 sexual partners in their lifetime

Today i also learned im a whore

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If having two sex partners is bigamy, and anything above that is polygamy, what is it called when having a single sex partner?

Monotony

My mountain climbing partner's last words were wasted on giving me advice about toys I don't even have.

"DON'T LEGO."

Odd.

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A joke for the next time you and your partner are farting in bed.

A man and his wife were lying in bed reading.

The husband farts and says "Fart football, that's a touchdown!"

The wife looks back, rips a fart, and says "we're tied!"

The husband looks back, rips a little one, says "field goal! I'm up by three!"

The wife rips another big ...

I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, "I do."

If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to.

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I'm very naive sexually. My partner asked me to do missionary...

... and I went off to Africa for six months.

I was watching a baseball game the other day when the pitcher struck out a batter in 3 pitches. The announcer said, "…and he goes down Paul Ryan style". His partner asked, "What makes it Paul Ryan style?" To which he replied…

No balls

What did George Michael say to his partner before he went to work?

Wake me up before you go-go

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What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?

"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

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My pan-sexual partner is upset with me...

They caught me with a pot in the kitchen

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My doctor asked how many sexual partners I've had over the last year.

I said, "Just one, but don't tell my wife!"

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I really hate my partners calling me the wrong name during sex.

My name is not "Help" or "Get off me".

I would never cheat on my partner.

Because that would require two people to find me attractive.

My father told me that whenever I find myself having trouble with my partner I should stop and listen to my heart.

My heart says, "BEAT BEAT BEAT!"



^^^For ^^^real ^^^though, ^^^don't ^^^beat ^^^your ^^^lovers.

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The definition of Rodeo Sex - When you accidentally call your partner by the wrong first name.....

Then try and stay on for 8 seconds.

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Cheating Partner

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.

After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."

What's the best part about having a blind partner?

You know they won't be seeing other people.

How do you know your S&M partner works in IT?

They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.

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My partner is a dog person, I'm not.

Gets really fucking inconvenient every full moon.

Mi amigo Jesus is a great work out partner but...

He just won't shut up about how he invented *Cross-Fit*