I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

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My partner recently asked why I charge her for sex.

I replied with “If you’re good at something you should never do it for free.”

She looked at me confused and said “So’, why do you charge for sex?”

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner only had one golf ball...

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well,"...

Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300

Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;

“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.”
“Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already...”
“Ok then, give me the dead donke...

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A recent study shows that 60% of people use their cellphones to cheat on their partners.

The remaining 40% prefer to use their penis.

My partner asked how I got invited to the Archery Champions Ball.

I told her I had to pull a few strings.

My brother and I are partners in a shoe business but we decided to split the business

Now I am the sole proprietor.

Police dogs will be made to have another police dog as a partner starting from next month

The academy is already teaching them how to do a good boy/bad boy routine.

Two couples decide to swap partners for the evening.

Couple 1: “Oh my goodness Morgan I’m so glad we swapped tonight. I needed this freak night”. “Me too Dale. Let’s go see how the girls did!”

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Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

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How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

If I had to wrestle Satan and was allowed to pick a partner, I’d pick Bob Ross

He always knew how to beat the devil.

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born ‘No Pun’.

That way they’ll certainly be aware that they weren’t intended.

I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase...

So I can unzip those genes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I couldnt stay with my girlfriend after I found out she had 144 sexual partner in her lifetime.

It was a gross amount.

Have you ever heard of the Bowling Ball Killer?

He waits till he sees a group of people standing in a perfect bowling pin formation and then that's when he strikes. Very disturbing.

(not mine, but my partner's joke)

What's the difference between my group partner and a used condom?

One did its job.

Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3km in the morning & 3km in the evening.

After two weeks, the fat f*cker will be 84km away.

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

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I'm always Frank with my sexual partners

I wouldn't want them to know my real name would I?

How do electrical engineers propose their partners?

j love you.

Last night my deaf partner was talking in their sleep...

...nearly took my eye out.

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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.

"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment ...

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order...

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

I phoned my partner while I was in the car after picking the kids up from school.

"You don't like being a single mum, do you?" I asked her.

She said, "No, I don't."

I said, "Well, if I changed that, how would that make you feel?"

"Oh my goodness!" she replied, unable to contain herself. "Are you going to propose?"

I said, "No, I've just driven our car ...

I licked my partners ear...

And caught hearing aids

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

So I figured out why so many religions don't allow women to have multiple partners.

It's because they're holey

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

I confronted my friend when I suspected him of cheating with my partner.

He firmly denied being my friend.

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

What did the redditor say to their partner

Be gentle this is my first time

A grad student is working with his lab partner on a science project for his robot acoustics research

When the student says to his lab partner, “There seems to be something missing from our robot that is keeping the voice audio from converting into an electrical signal”.

The lab partner, in an effort to help his friend, heads down the street to the computer shop to see if he can figure out w...

Your partner for this mission is the man you’ll need in the unlikely event things go badly.

Justin Case

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

What did the vampire hunter say to his dying partner?

What? I'm sorry but everyone makes mistakes.

Looking for a Writing Partner for a book.

"Facing Codependency Together"

What's it called when a triangle has multiple partners?

Polygony.

How do atoms find a partner to bond with?

Through carbon dating

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How to break up with your partner

You: Your ex is sexy


Them: Which one?

You: Me lol, bye

What does a Mortal Kombat character look for most in a partner?

PERSONALITY!

My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners.

Cracker wants a poly.

This big Texan guy went up on stage and said "Can I get an 'owdy partner?"

I thought what a bloody cheek. Most of us can't even afford a round of drinks and this guy shows up outta nowhere and wants a free car.

A priest told me that he only like his partners like the evening

I responded asking him what he meant by liking his partners like the evening.



He replied he only liked them from 6 through to 12.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think that the nuclear launch codes should be kept in the hands of women, and those codes should also represent the number of sexual partners they have had.

That way they will never give up the real numbers under any circumstances.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife wants to leave partner after he fucks an entire country

Boris Johnson's wife is reported to have said "I want to leave EU" and in 2 years once the divorce bill goes through he will officially be entering the single market.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with a medicine man living in a nearby village who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the village and saw the medicine man.

The old medicine man gave him a potion and, with a firm grip on his shoulder, warned ...

A survey has found that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner.

Men do that too. It's called silent.

I was having trouble finding a singing partner,

so I bought myself a duet yourself kit.

I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed......

....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.

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Two couples decided to swap partners for sex

Two couples decided to swap partners for sex.

Afterwards, one of the guys said," That felt great! I wonder how the girls are doing."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him.

At first, I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison.

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided today that I would save myself for my wife. No sex, no porn, I wouldn't even masturbate until I was able to be with my Life Partner, my Eternal Love, my Wife.

She is usually home around 7:30.

I recently signed on as a partner at this vampire hunting firm.

I'm a stakeholder now.

Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades.

This process is commonly called marriage.

Why is having multiple partners simultaneously not love?

Because love is always <3

What did the toast say to his partner while they were doing sixty nine?

“Babe, I’m gonna crumb!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife hates that I had more sexual partners before we got married.

But she's making up for it now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you're single trying to attract a partner it's important to project the qualities you desire

I understand this, but boy, oh boy, have I had to suck a *lot* of dick lately.

I asked my lab partner if he has the sodium hypobromite

He said NaBrO.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the surest way to turn your partner off during sex?

Close your browser.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why'd Batman stop working with his first partner?

He was too much of a dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Donald Trump has sex, his female partner is always on top.

Because he can only fuck up.

How did Shakira win her partner over?

She Piqued his curiosity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two women are partners at a science laboratory

They both work together and create a breakthrough in modern science.
Their boyfriends receive this news while they are both at the bar together.
One boyfriend turns to the other and says,
"Dude, we're fuckin' geniuses."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two couples are getting bored with their sex lives, so they decide to swap partners

After a night of wild passionate sex, Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny toothbrush say to it's partner...

I want some Oral, B

Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods...

...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, "What the hell is that?", Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?

"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If having two sex partners is bigamy, and anything above that is polygamy, what is it called when having a single sex partner?

Monotony

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I welcome you into the family!” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business.

All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate offic...

I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, "I do."

If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke for the next time you and your partner are farting in bed.

A man and his wife were lying in bed reading.

The husband farts and says "Fart football, that's a touchdown!"

The wife looks back, rips a fart, and says "we're tied!"

The husband looks back, rips a little one, says "field goal! I'm up by three!"

The wife rips another big ...

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