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I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting but soon fell asleep.

My partner asked me to stop singing Oasis songs...

I said maybe

Why doesn't Nancy Pelosi make a good bridge partner?

She always bids no trump.

*Cowboy walks into a saloon and approaches the biggest guy there*, “What’s yer name partner?” “My names Terry.” He replied. “Terry?! That’s a girls name!”

Poor Nameless Cowboy.

Died from dissin’ Terry.

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In Catholicism, you can only have sex with your partner when you are married. So if priests are married to God, they can have sex with God.

And sometimes they cheat on God with altar boys.

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

I'm Jack, and this is my partner, Auf.

We're Jack 'n Auf.

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Do I need a partner to get blowjobs?

No, because my life already sucks.

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

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My partner recently asked why I charge her for sex.

I replied with “If you’re good at something you should never do it for free.”

She looked at me confused and said “So’, why do you charge for sex?”

Police dogs will be made to have another police dog as a partner starting from next month

The academy is already teaching them how to do a good boy/bad boy routine.

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner only had one golf ball...

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well,"...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
<...

How do male pray mantises turn on their partners?

They give them a little head.

Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

Two couples decide to swap partners for the evening.

Couple 1: “Oh my goodness Morgan I’m so glad we swapped tonight. I needed this freak night”. “Me too Dale. Let’s go see how the girls did!”

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

My brother and I are partners in a shoe business but we decided to split the business

Now I am the sole proprietor.

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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

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A recent study shows that 60% of people use their cellphones to cheat on their partners.

The remaining 40% prefer to use their penis.

My partner asked how I got invited to the Archery Champions Ball.

I told her I had to pull a few strings.

Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300

Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;

“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.”
“Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already...”
“Ok then, give me the dead donke...

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I couldnt stay with my girlfriend after I found out she had 144 sexual partner in her lifetime.

It was a gross amount.

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Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

If I had to wrestle Satan and was allowed to pick a partner, I’d pick Bob Ross

He always knew how to beat the devil.

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase...

So I can unzip those genes.

After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born ‘No Pun’.

That way they’ll certainly be aware that they weren’t intended.

Last night my deaf partner was talking in their sleep...

...nearly took my eye out.

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order...

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.

"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment ...

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

Three married businessmen meet for their annual camping trip.

As they see each other only this time of the year, they have a lot to talk about. On their last day in the woods, the men decide to go for a little walk. Suddenly, they hear someone whimper. They follow the noise to a well and with combined efforts, they rescue a little fairy from its ground.
...

If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3km in the morning & 3km in the evening.

After two weeks, the fat f*cker will be 84km away.

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I'm always Frank with my sexual partners

I wouldn't want them to know my real name would I?

An American went to Ireland to play golf...

So anyway, the American went down to the local club in Killarney and asked around for a playing partner. “I’d be fairly good now so I’d need someone with experience”. “Ah, Micilín is your man” he was told. So he agreed with Micilín to play him for a few quid the next morning at 9. However, Micilín d...

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

I confronted my friend when I suspected him of cheating with my partner.

He firmly denied being my friend.

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Making your bed is like making your butt hole look glorious.

No ones going to see it (except maybe your partner) and it's only going to get messed up at bed time.

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

I phoned my partner while I was in the car after picking the kids up from school.

"You don't like being a single mum, do you?" I asked her.

She said, "No, I don't."

I said, "Well, if I changed that, how would that make you feel?"

"Oh my goodness!" she replied, unable to contain herself. "Are you going to propose?"

I said, "No, I've just driven our car ...

I licked my partners ear...

And caught hearing aids

So I figured out why so many religions don't allow women to have multiple partners.

It's because they're holey

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

A woman at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her he...

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

...

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

What did the redditor say to their partner

Be gentle this is my first time

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Ooo Heaven is a place on earth

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’...

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Three marriage criteria

There was a woman, whose relationship is always a disaster.

Frustrated, she decided to put up a notice in search of one special partner. She specify three criteria. Any man who want her, must met all of the criteria.

However, her criteria seems ridiculous since there’s no one respond...

A grad student is working with his lab partner on a science project for his robot acoustics research

When the student says to his lab partner, “There seems to be something missing from our robot that is keeping the voice audio from converting into an electrical signal”.

The lab partner, in an effort to help his friend, heads down the street to the computer shop to see if he can figure out w...

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A sales man once went to Japan for business

A sales man once wemt to japan for business. He decided to visit a bordello because he got word of the japanese special capabilities in the love making area. So he went into a room with a lady and they got into the stuff, and in the heat of the moment the lady kept shouting
Machigatta ana,
M...

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

Your partner for this mission is the man you’ll need in the unlikely event things go badly.

Justin Case

Where would you take your partner if you went to China?

Baejing.

What's it called when a triangle has multiple partners?

Polygony.

How do atoms find a partner to bond with?

Through carbon dating

My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners.

Cracker wants a poly.

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How to break up with your partner

You: Your ex is sexy


Them: Which one?

You: Me lol, bye

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A man had died

He found himself standing before the Pearly Gates. He knocked and a friendly-looking old man wit a white beard opened the door and introduced himself as Saint Peter.

"Come in!" st. Peter said.

"Do you mean I get to go to heaven?"

"Yeah, sure" st. Peter Said "Come in. I'll give y...

A pregnant woman arguing with her partner...

— I have two brains and you have one!

My ex-partners privates remind me of the sky

Every person on Earth has seen them

This big Texan guy went up on stage and said "Can I get an 'owdy partner?"

I thought what a bloody cheek. Most of us can't even afford a round of drinks and this guy shows up outta nowhere and wants a free car.

What does a Mortal Kombat character look for most in a partner?

PERSONALITY!

What type of car does a cowboy drive?

Audi partner.

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes,...

A priest told me that he only like his partners like the evening

I responded asking him what he meant by liking his partners like the evening.



He replied he only liked them from 6 through to 12.

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It...

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I think that the nuclear launch codes should be kept in the hands of women, and those codes should also represent the number of sexual partners they have had.

That way they will never give up the real numbers under any circumstances.

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Two couples decided to swap partners for sex

Two couples decided to swap partners for sex.

Afterwards, one of the guys said," That felt great! I wonder how the girls are doing."

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Wife wants to leave partner after he fucks an entire country

Boris Johnson's wife is reported to have said "I want to leave EU" and in 2 years once the divorce bill goes through he will officially be entering the single market.

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Just a little fire truck

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her...

I was having trouble finding a singing partner,

so I bought myself a duet yourself kit.

Guys I just had my first date yesterday

So there was this stunning, beautiful girl that walked past me at today, and when she gazed into my eyes, I knew it was love at first sight.

Now, I'm not a particularly handsome guy, but I've been with enough partners to know that it was time to shoot my shot, have a go at it, etc.

So,...

A survey has found that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner.

Men do that too. It's called silent.

I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed......

....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.

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It must be really difficult for an OCD person to have sex

Every time their partner gets turned on, they turn them back off again.

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Don't waste your time

If you are arguing with your sex partner then you are wasting your fucking time.

Apple has partnered with Tesla to make a new Car

They are having trouble installing windows

What's a cowboy's favorite vehicle?

Audi, partner.

My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him.

At first, I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison.

I recently signed on as a partner at this vampire hunting firm.

I'm a stakeholder now.

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

What did the toast say to his partner while they were doing sixty nine?

“Babe, I’m gonna crumb!”

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I decided today that I would save myself for my wife. No sex, no porn, I wouldn't even masturbate until I was able to be with my Life Partner, my Eternal Love, my Wife.

She is usually home around 7:30.

Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades.

This process is commonly called marriage.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed ...

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When you're single trying to attract a partner it's important to project the qualities you desire

I understand this, but boy, oh boy, have I had to suck a *lot* of dick lately.

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My wife hates that I had more sexual partners before we got married.

But she's making up for it now.

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How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

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