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Partner Jokes

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I have more sexual partners than my brother.

But he is one of the better ones.

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My partner and I had sex for seven days and seven nights.

I was a little sore, but it made her whole week!

Had to leave my partner.

They had both feet amputated. Turns out I'm lack toes intolerant.

"It's really difficult, my partner is constantly in and out of prison."

"Babe, that's a terrible way to tell people I'm a Corrections Officer."

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What’s the difference between a polite business partner and a sex worker?

A polite business partner always says « Thanks - it’s been a pleasure doing business with you. »

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How many sexual partners does a German priest have?

Nein

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One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

It's hard to find a good partner in most of the US

But in Alabama, you can find a partner with relative ease

What’s something you can say both in an art gallery and on the bed with your partner?

It’s wet right now, please don’t touch

If you have promised your partner that you will love them 24/7.

Today is 24/7.


(Americans, It's OK if you don't get it.)

My partner asked me " What's 'burning man'? "

Apparently 'my urethra' was not a wise answer.

What did the Vulcan say to his Klingon battle partner P’kache before engaging in battle?

Ha! P’kache! Dea!

A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…

…after many weeks without the touch of a woman - the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous, and...

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

I feel like cheating on my partner today.

My left hand is looking real fine.

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

My preferred reddit username is like my preferred partner.

Both are already taken.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed..... in short, driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damm ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner yells back, "Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her fr...

On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn't let me take home any volcanic rocks

And to be honest, I'm still a little basalty over it.

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Three stages of sex in marriage.

Stage one: Whole house sex. You and your partner have sex in every room of the house. Standing up, bending over, on any surface available.

Stage two: Bedroom Sex. You and your partner only have sex in the bedroom... after you shower... with the lights off.

Stage three: Hall sex. ...

a cowboy opens up a German car dealership

Audi Partner

Told my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because…

… she doesn’t believe in love at first site

My partner had a go at me because at night, unaware, I go on about Hobbits, Rings and Orcs.

They think I'm Tolkien in my sleep.

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You ever hear about the jockey who’s partner doesn’t do oral sex?

You could say he was the headless horseman

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”

My Australian chess partner moved to Prague.

Now he’s my Czech mate.

My partner refuses to go to Karaoke with me.

Guess I have to duet alone.

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Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need on his good time being...

If I were to become a drug dealer, I'd partner up with Mike Tyson.

That guy can really make a meth.

A old couple is in bed, lights turned off and making conversation.

The man asks: “how many partners have you had before meeting me?” . His wife thinks and a few seconds later answers: “ I have been with maybe 4 or 5 before you. What about you” she then asks her husband. Seconds, and minutes go by and no answers. “Are you sleeping” she asks, slightly annoyed. The hu...

When you're in a relationship, you don't need a secure channel to talk to your partner.

Communication is already encrypted.

70th birthday.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medi...

A man got a call from his partner on the way to work, “be careful honey, there’s some lunatic driving the wrong way on the highway!”

“It’s not just one,” the husband replied, “everyone’s doing it!”

*Joke courtesy of my sibling.*

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I knew a scientist who successfully cloned themselves for the sole purpose of having a sexual partner.

We were friends up to that point. I told him, "You do you."

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.

They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.

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What's the hardest part about getting a call from an old sexual partner and them telling you that they have HIV.

Acting surprised.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, “with who?“

But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.

Instead ask, “with whom? “ It is important to speak good English.

(Part joke, part advice) One of the first signs that your partner is losing interest is…

That…



all their savings are in a savings account.

I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, "I do."

If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to.

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Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.

“Hmm…” Sherlock ponders, “I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6’ 1”, was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.”

Watson was completely confused by his partner’s deduction.

“How could you possibly get all that from just a button?”

“Eleme...

Satan spoke to a lawyer

Satan said "If you promise me your soul & the souls of everyone in your family, I shall make you a full partner in your firm."



The lawyer said "So, what's the catch?"

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
<...

Things you can say about your computer but not your partner

I'll start,
It takes me three tries to plug in my stick

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Sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you sure as hell better have a good hand.

If you don’t have a good partner, you sure as hell better have a good hand.

Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.

The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."

"Insurance policy?"

"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no lon...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

I asked my partner what sort of engagement ring she'd like.

"One that's a bit like you," she said.

"Full of sparkle?"

"Cheap and round," she replied.

Why couldn't the cowboy please his partner?

He thought 8 seconds was some kind of record

I love this time of year, the lead up to Christmas

When your partner walks into the room you can slam your laptop shut and you don't get any disgusted looks.

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As a single man trying to attract a partner, it's important to project the qualities you desire

Which I understand. But boy.. oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick lately


\~ Norm MacDonald joke read by Bobby Lee

Why does Spider-Man cheat on all of his partners?

Because he lives a swinger lifestyle.

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Me: You get to a point in a relationship where you've seen your partner's butthole more than they have. This is a beautiful thing.

Priest: the bride has also written her own vowes.

I left my partner for a calculator

I needed someone I could count on

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Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

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What do you call a partner that's always there for you when you're down, but also extremely horny?

A cum-forter

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.

On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”The dad answered, “Your mom.”

Little Johnny then pas...

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

Two soldiers in a forest

Two soldiers are patrolling a forest, suddenly one of them collapses to the ground and the other begins to panic.

He picks up his walkie talkie and contacts his captain, he says "I need help! my partner collapsed to the ground and isn't moving, I think he's dead!"

The Captain responds:...

My partner suggested getting married to make our relationship more secure...

I suggested we called it our rElaT10nsh!p.

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What do you call it when your partner would rather play Minecraft than have sex with you?

Cock blocking.

My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

I once met a Welshman who bragged about his virility

I asked him how many partners he'd had and he said 'I dunno, everytime I count them I fall asleep'.

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

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Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

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Vampires make the best partners

They always ask before cumming inside

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

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The little fire fighter

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat....

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Two tantric sex partners meet after years of separation...

"It's been a long time coming"

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

What do you call investing your partners paycheck into a crypto currency they don't like?

Passive aggressive income

My partner and I can never agree on vacations.

I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

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If your partner has problems watching you masturbate they are?

A) have intimacy issues
B) frigid
C) should sit somewhere else on the bus

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A man works up courage to ask his wife how many sexual partners she had before him

She says "really?" and goes silent. Doesn't say anything in the morning. Or afternoon. Or the next day. After 3 days, husband approaches his wife and apologetically asks - "Why are you giving me the silent treatment? Are you mad at me for that stupid question?"

Raising her finger she says "Sh...

When we got married, my partner turned into A wife.

After our first big argument I started referring to her as my B wife.

She's now up to S wife with just 5 more chances before she becomes the X wife.

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cruise ship

There was a couples only cruise. Hundreds of people were on board. Unfortunately, the ship capsized, killing everyone on board.

At the pearly gates, the first couple approaches St. Peter, asking to be admitted into heaven. St. Peter refused to admit the husband, saying:

*"You loved su...

My partner left me because of my pasta feeling fetish

I'm feeling cannelloni right now...

At the golf course

A man was waiting for an open tee at a golf course when a stranger walked up with a set of clubs and asked,

\- “I’m by myself today - wanna pair up?”

The first man was glad to have a partner, so he agreed, and off they went.

The stranger turned out to be a salesman for male en...

Job

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.

As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job.

Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and j...

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New study shows the average person has 8 sexual partners in their life.

However it is being criticized for counting your mom who has sex with 30 new people a day and is therefore a statistical outlier.

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!"


Always Tolkien in their sleep...

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If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

My partner said they like to role-play dirty dishes.

That’s when it Dawned on me.

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.

A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what she's looking for.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I don't know what kind he uses."

"Is it the ball type?"

"No," she replied. "It's for his armpits."

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If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

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Do you know what people sing in the shower after having satisfied their partner sexually?

I didn't think so.

I got a brand new Tesla for my partner

Pretty decent trade, if you as me.

What did the kidnapper say to his partner?

Hi-Jack

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

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NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

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My sexual partners are like ninjas...

You will never see the coming

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A girl I was talking to online enquired about my penis size...

She said that she only asked because she has dated nothing but "pencil-dick" guys before, but they were awkward to work with and never brought her the satisfaction she desired in from a partner.

I assured her "You don't have to worry about that with me, my penis is waaaaaaaay shorter then 7.5...

Marriage counselor: Your partner allows you to make independent decisions? Me: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*

Me: Yes, of course

Me and my partner were doing some spring cleaning

All the chores had piled up over winter. There was so many tasks to complete so we decided to split them up. She told me to do the living room and bedroom because there was more to do there and she would take the kitchen.
I said "man.. I got 99 problems but a dish ain't one"

Why do black widow spiders kill their partners after they mate?

They can't stand to listen to the snoring.

One drunk says to their drinking partner, "I want to sleep with 1000 people before I reach 30!" The other lush slurs…

"Don't be stupid, you have to sleep with 30 first!"

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Finally left my partner because she always wanted to have sex in the dark. Never wanted it to end this way, but I had to for my penis...

She never saw it coming

My partner asked if we could watch that old movie from the 40's, "Gaslight"

I told them, "No, don't you remember? We watched it yesterday."

My partner just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.

I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.

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Two men are having a business meeting in a small coffee shop...

...when a barista approaches and asks them what they'd like. The first man says that he'd like a glass of water. The barista replies "One glass of H2O coming right up." then turns to the second man and asks him what he'd like. The second man replies "I'd like a glass of H2O too, please". The Barista...

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What happens to a bisexual when they can't find a partner?

They're on StandBi

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I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

I wouldn't want them to know my real name.

My partner caught me saving my pubes earlier

She asked “what the hell are you doing?”
Apparently ‘preparing your dinner’ was not the correct response.

My partner asked me to stop singing Oasis songs...

I said maybe

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

A conversation between me and my partner....

Him: Have you ever been caught sniffing your moms underwear?

Me: What? No!

Him: You must be pretty good at it then.

Lamaze

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is ...

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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.

"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment ...

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

The best thing i have heard today was a pregnant women arguing with her partner

And she said “I have two brains and you have one”.

I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store.

You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!

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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

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For a school video project, I was partnered with the class bitch

Wanting it to be finished as soon as possible, I told her that I would do most of the project as long as she would stay out of my way. I then realized that my computer was undergoing repairs so I asked her if she had any audio editing software. And let me tell you,


This bitch had the Auda...

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