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Partner Jokes

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I have more sexual partners than my brother.

But he is one of the better ones.

How did the ADHDer find a partner?

By going on a methylpheni-date.

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My partner and I had sex for seven days and seven nights.

I was a little sore, but it made her whole week!

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One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

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How do you make your partner scream during sex?

Call them and tell them about it.

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My wife asked me to list my sexual partners, in order.

I guess I should have stopped at her name.

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If your partner has problems watching you masturbate they are?

A) have intimacy issues
B) frigid
C) should sit somewhere else on the bus

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”

Things you can say about your computer but not your partner

I'll start,
It takes me three tries to plug in my stick

On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn't let me take home any volcanic rocks

And to be honest, I'm still a little basalty over it.

My Australian chess partner moved to Prague.

Now he’s my Czech mate.

My partner broke up with me for being obsessed with Linkin Park..

but in the end it doesn’t even matter.

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

I got a brand new Tesla for my partner

Pretty decent trade, if you as me.

My partner asked me to stop singing Oasis songs...

I said maybe

A girl goes to a psychic. Don and Joe both like her and she is confused and wants to find out who is the lucky one that can be her life partner.

Psychic: "Don is going to the be the lucky one.

Joe will marry you."

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When is it okay for your partner to lie to you during sex?

When his name is Pinocchio and you’re sitting on his face.

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What did the horny frog say to his partner?

Rub-it

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

*Cowboy walks into a saloon and approaches the biggest guy there*, “What’s yer name partner?” “My names Terry.” He replied. “Terry?! That’s a girls name!”

Poor Nameless Cowboy.

Died from dissin’ Terry.

Programmers make bad dating partners

A JavaScript developer will make empty promises and not call you back.

A Java developer will act classy but he’ll treat you as an object.

And a Python developer will take up all the space and everything will move too slow anyway.

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I'm always frank with my sexual partners.

I wouldn't want them to know my real name.

In other places, a suitable partner is judged on a 1-10 hotness scale.

In Alabama, they use relative humidity.

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If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

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My partner recently asked why I charge her for sex.

I replied with “If you’re good at something you should never do it for free.”

She looked at me confused and said “So’, why do you charge for sex?”

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Why'd Batman stop working with his first partner?

He was too much of a dick.

"It's really difficult, my partner is constantly in and out of prison."

"Babe, that's a terrible way to tell people I'm a Corrections Officer."

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
<...

I feel like cheating on my partner today.

My left hand is looking real fine.

A pregnant woman arguing with her partner...

— I have two brains and you have one!

My partner and I can never agree on vacations.

I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

It's hard to find a good partner in most of the US

But in Alabama, you can find a partner with relative ease

Why do ambitious bankers make lousy colleagues but great partners?

They'll never leave you a loan.

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

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I hate having sex with my partner while we're camping...

It's two fucking in tents.

My partner asked me " What's 'burning man'? "

Apparently 'my urethra' was not a wise answer.

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Three stages of sex in marriage.

Stage one: Whole house sex. You and your partner have sex in every room of the house. Standing up, bending over, on any surface available.

Stage two: Bedroom Sex. You and your partner only have sex in the bedroom... after you shower... with the lights off.

Stage three: Hall sex. ...

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What’s the difference between a polite business partner and a sex worker?

A polite business partner always says « Thanks - it’s been a pleasure doing business with you. »

I left my partner for a calculator

I needed someone I could count on

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, “with who?“

But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.

Instead ask, “with whom? “ It is important to speak good English.

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Adam asked God for a partner...

Adam saw that the animals in the Garden of Eden had a companion, and he asked God to make one for Adam, too.

"Ok," God replied, "I can make you a perfect partner. Someone who will stand by you, satisfy you as you satisfy her, build you up as you build up her, and provide the exact compliment ...

My preferred reddit username is like my preferred partner.

Both are already taken.

What’s something you can say both in an art gallery and on the bed with your partner?

It’s wet right now, please don’t touch

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

My partner refuses to go to Karaoke with me.

Guess I have to duet alone.

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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!"


Always Tolkien in their sleep...

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Vampires make the best partners

They always ask before cumming inside

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

If you have promised your partner that you will love them 24/7.

Today is 24/7.


(Americans, It's OK if you don't get it.)

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

Told my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because…

… she doesn’t believe in love at first site

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You ever hear about the jockey who’s partner doesn’t do oral sex?

You could say he was the headless horseman

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What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?

"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

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Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

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My sexual partners are like ninjas...

You will never see the coming

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.

They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.

A conversation between me and my partner....

Him: Have you ever been caught sniffing your moms underwear?

Me: What? No!

Him: You must be pretty good at it then.

When we got married, my partner turned into A wife.

After our first big argument I started referring to her as my B wife.

She's now up to S wife with just 5 more chances before she becomes the X wife.

I asked my partner what sort of engagement ring she'd like.

"One that's a bit like you," she said.

"Full of sparkle?"

"Cheap and round," she replied.

If I were to become a drug dealer, I'd partner up with Mike Tyson.

That guy can really make a meth.

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes,...

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Two tantric sex partners meet after years of separation...

"It's been a long time coming"

My partner suggested getting married to make our relationship more secure...

I suggested we called it our rElaT10nsh!p.

My partner left me because of my pasta feeling fetish

I'm feeling cannelloni right now...

My partner caught me saving my pubes earlier

She asked “what the hell are you doing?”
Apparently ‘preparing your dinner’ was not the correct response.

My partner said they like to role-play dirty dishes.

That’s when it Dawned on me.

My partner had a go at me because at night, unaware, I go on about Hobbits, Rings and Orcs.

They think I'm Tolkien in my sleep.

I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, "I do."

If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to.

When you're in a relationship, you don't need a secure channel to talk to your partner.

Communication is already encrypted.

My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

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If you are arguing with your sex partner...

You are actually wasting your fucking time .

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

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A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple

The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the eart...

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Sid and Irv are business partners.

They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late...

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I knew a scientist who successfully cloned themselves for the sole purpose of having a sexual partner.

We were friends up to that point. I told him, "You do you."

Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.

The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."

"Insurance policy?"

"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no lon...

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Why did the carpenter only have one sexual partner?

He was a serial mahoganist.

Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.

A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what she's looking for.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I don't know what kind he uses."

"Is it the ball type?"

"No," she replied. "It's for his armpits."

Last night my deaf partner was talking in their sleep...

...nearly took my eye out.

(Part joke, part advice) One of the first signs that your partner is losing interest is…

That…



all their savings are in a savings account.

Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods...

...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, "What the hell is that?", Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

What do you call Fidel Castro cheating on a partner?

In-Fidel Castro

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I went to the supermarket today to do shopping, when I noticed an attractive young woman waving at me…

She came over and said hi to me and I was taken aback because I couldn't recall where I knew her from.

So I asked her, “Sorry, do I know you?”

She replied, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

My mind was whirring now and it traveled back to the only time I have e...

I told my Biology lab partner to let me be her DNA helicase...

So I can unzip those genes.

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Two couples decided to swap partners for sex

Two couples decided to swap partners for sex.

Afterwards, one of the guys said," That felt great! I wonder how the girls are doing."

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What happens to a bisexual when they can't find a partner?

They're on StandBi

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

“...

Feeling sad this Valentine's day because of having no partner?

At least you're not the person reading this who will never get any love!

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A man works up courage to ask his wife how many sexual partners she had before him

She says "really?" and goes silent. Doesn't say anything in the morning. Or afternoon. Or the next day. After 3 days, husband approaches his wife and apologetically asks - "Why are you giving me the silent treatment? Are you mad at me for that stupid question?"

Raising her finger she says "Sh...

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My two sex partners aren't aware of each other.

The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.

Blind partners are the most faithful

They never see anyone else!

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Detective Shakespeare and his new partner Jameson are on a case...

the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle...

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As a single man trying to attract a partner, it's important to project the qualities you desire

Which I understand. But boy.. oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick lately


\~ Norm MacDonald joke read by Bobby Lee

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New study shows the average person has 8 sexual partners in their life.

However it is being criticized for counting your mom who has sex with 30 new people a day and is therefore a statistical outlier.

Why are most solar systems bad business partners?

Most are rated one star and even the best only have three.

Marriage counselor: Your partner allows you to make independent decisions? Me: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*

Me: Yes, of course

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Do you know what people sing in the shower after having satisfied their partner sexually?

I didn't think so.

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What's the hardest part about getting a call from an old sexual partner and them telling you that they have HIV.

Acting surprised.

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What do you do if your partner smokes after sex?

What do you do if your partner smokes after sex?

Slow down and use more lubrication.

I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store.

You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!

I'm Jack, and this is my partner, Auf.

We're Jack 'n Auf.

What do you do with your partner after contracting the coronavirus?

Netflix and ill.

What do you call investing your partners paycheck into a crypto currency they don't like?

Passive aggressive income

Why doesn't Nancy Pelosi make a good bridge partner?

She always bids no trump.

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For a school video project, I was partnered with the class bitch

Wanting it to be finished as soon as possible, I told her that I would do most of the project as long as she would stay out of my way. I then realized that my computer was undergoing repairs so I asked her if she had any audio editing software. And let me tell you,


This bitch had the Auda...

I licked my partners ear...

And caught hearing aids

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