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One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

When you're in a relationship, you don't need a secure channel to talk to your partner.

Communication is already encrypted.

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What's the hardest part about getting a call from an old sexual partner and them telling you that they have HIV.

Acting surprised.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

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Vampires make the best partners

They always ask before cumming inside

I asked my partner what sort of engagement ring she'd like.

"One that's a bit like you," she said.

"Full of sparkle?"

"Cheap and round," she replied.

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Two tantric sex partners meet after years of separation...

"It's been a long time coming"

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My wife asked me to list my sexual partners, in order.

I guess I should have stopped at her name.

Why does Spider-Man cheat on all of his partners?

Because he lives a swinger lifestyle.

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

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When you're single and trying to attract a partner it's important to project the qualities you desire

Which I understand, but boy oh boy have I had to suck a lotta dick lately.

My partner is a diehard communist and loves China and Russia.

I saw red flags on day one but ignored them.

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What do you call it when your partner would rather play Minecraft than have sex with you?

Cock blocking.

Why couldn't the cowboy please his partner?

He thought 8 seconds was some kind of record

I left my partner for a calculator

I needed someone I could count on

Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.

The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."

"Insurance policy?"

"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no lon...

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

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What do you call a partner that's always there for you when you're down, but also extremely horny?

A cum-forter

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”

Grammerly

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a miracle man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, ha...

What do you call investing your partners paycheck into a crypto currency they don't like?

Passive aggressive income

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, “with who?“

But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.

Instead ask, “with whom? “ It is important to speak good English.

Things you can say about your computer but not your partner

I'll start,
It takes me three tries to plug in my stick

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Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

My partner suggested getting married to make our relationship more secure...

I suggested we called it our rElaT10nsh!p.

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New study shows the average person has 8 sexual partners in their life.

However it is being criticized for counting your mom who has sex with 30 new people a day and is therefore a statistical outlier.

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Me: You get to a point in a relationship where you've seen your partner's butthole more than they have. This is a beautiful thing.

Priest: the bride has also written her own vowes.

Why do black widow spiders kill their partners after they mate?

They can't stand to listen to the snoring.

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

Three men are outside of Heavens gate waiting to get in.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

When we got married, my partner turned into A wife.

After our first big argument I started referring to her as my B wife.

She's now up to S wife with just 5 more chances before she becomes the X wife.

My partner said they like to role-play dirty dishes.

That’s when it Dawned on me.

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

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Sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you sure as hell better have a good hand.

If you don’t have a good partner, you sure as hell better have a good hand.

I used to be afraid of living alone all my life till I read even serial killers often had partners.

I'm glad there are precedents.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
<...

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My sexual partners are like ninjas...

You will never see the coming

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

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If your partner has problems watching you masturbate they are?

A) have intimacy issues
B) frigid
C) should sit somewhere else on the bus

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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.



Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.



The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say...

A lawyer is working late in his office, when suddenly Satan appears

The devil says, "I have a deal for you. I can make you a full partner in your firm and guarantee you will make tons of money for the rest of your life."

The devil continues, "But in return, you have to sign away your soul, plus your wife's soul, your children's, and your parents. You all wi...

Me and my partner were doing some spring cleaning

All the chores had piled up over winter. There was so many tasks to complete so we decided to split them up. She told me to do the living room and bedroom because there was more to do there and she would take the kitchen.
I said "man.. I got 99 problems but a dish ain't one"

My partner left me because of my pasta feeling fetish

I'm feeling cannelloni right now...

I was devastated that my tag team wrestling partner turned out to be morbidly obese...

I say this with a heavy Hart.

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Two Firemen are Butt Fucking in a Smoke Filled Room

The Fire Chief walks in and asks, "WTF?". Fireman explains, "My partner here has smoke inhalation". The Chief says, "You idiot. You're supposed to give him mouth to mouth". Fireman replies, "I did. That's how this shit got started in the first place".

Marriage counselor: Your partner allows you to make independent decisions? Me: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*

Me: Yes, of course

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

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Finally left my partner because she always wanted to have sex in the dark. Never wanted it to end this way, but I had to for my penis...

She never saw it coming

My partner asked if we could watch that old movie from the 40's, "Gaslight"

I told them, "No, don't you remember? We watched it yesterday."

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A man works up courage to ask his wife how many sexual partners she had before him

She says "really?" and goes silent. Doesn't say anything in the morning. Or afternoon. Or the next day. After 3 days, husband approaches his wife and apologetically asks - "Why are you giving me the silent treatment? Are you mad at me for that stupid question?"

Raising her finger she says "Sh...

I got a brand new Tesla for my partner

Pretty decent trade, if you as me.

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If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

I wish the “Price is Right” would partner with the Dollar Store.

You are CORRECT again! ONE DOLLAR!

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

What did the kidnapper say to his partner?

Hi-Jack

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NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

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"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

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A little boy dressed in a cowboy costume...

A little boy wearing a cowboy costume walks into an ice cream shop.
The lady behind the counter says, "Don't you look dashing in your cowboy outfit! What can I get for you 'lil partner?"

"I want an ice cream sundae with lots of chocolate and nuts!"

She says, "Do you want your nuts c...

One drunk says to their drinking partner, "I want to sleep with 1000 people before I reach 30!" The other lush slurs…

"Don't be stupid, you have to sleep with 30 first!"

Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.

A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what she's looking for.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I don't know what kind he uses."

"Is it the ball type?"

"No," she replied. "It's for his armpits."

The best thing i have heard today was a pregnant women arguing with her partner

And she said “I have two brains and you have one”.

My partner just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.

I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.

A conversation between me and my partner....

Him: Have you ever been caught sniffing your moms underwear?

Me: What? No!

Him: You must be pretty good at it then.

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

My partner and I can never agree on vacations.

I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

A girl goes to a psychic. Don and Joe both like her and she is confused and wants to find out who is the lucky one that can be her life partner.

Psychic: "Don is going to the be the lucky one.

Joe will marry you."

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Do you know what people sing in the shower after having satisfied their partner sexually?

I didn't think so.

What do you call someone who goes to bars to find potential new partners?

A bar-tinder.

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For a school video project, I was partnered with the class bitch

Wanting it to be finished as soon as possible, I told her that I would do most of the project as long as she would stay out of my way. I then realized that my computer was undergoing repairs so I asked her if she had any audio editing software. And let me tell you,


This bitch had the Auda...

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How does a necrophiliac date his sexual partners?

Carbon-14.

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Before you know your future partner and after you marry them is like the same thing

There’s no sex

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!"


Always Tolkien in their sleep...

My partner caught me saving my pubes earlier

She asked “what the hell are you doing?”
Apparently ‘preparing your dinner’ was not the correct response.

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Sid and Irv are business partners.

They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late...

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A chance to escape Hell

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have se...

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Two Irishmen lose their oars

Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie tell them that he will grant them only 1 wish. Without hesitation, one of them shou...

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How come The Flash leaves his partners temporarily blinded after sex?

Cause they get Flashbanged.

What do you call Fidel Castro cheating on a partner?

In-Fidel Castro

Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham.

Then when they wake up at 3am you can roll to your Husband or Partner and say ‘Gotham needs you!’ and they will get up.

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The three Billy Goats and their endowment

I heard this one in high school; I believe from an ostensible lab partner who mostly told lewd jokes instead of doing assignments:

You might remember the old fairy tale of the three Billy Goats who were confronted by a troll while crossing a bridge. Well it was a day just like that one, wher...

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What happens to a bisexual when they can't find a partner?

They're on StandBi

There are 70 ways to please your partner. The first one is kissing.

You still have 69.

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates should partner up to make a medicine that makes your dick long

And name it ElonGates

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My two sex partners aren't aware of each other.

The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.

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An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their sexual prowess.

The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.

"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.

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Keeping your horse satisfied.

A rag and bone man decides the streets of London aren't like the old days, so he decides to retire his cart and long time partner, his horse. He has invested long ago in a large acreage property in the country with lovely pastures and a barn for his horse.

When he breaks the news to the horse...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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How do you call someone that really enjoys pleasuring their partner’s asshole?

A crack addict.

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

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Why did the carpenter only have one sexual partner?

He was a serial mahoganist.

The world's scariest boxing partner

You know who's tough to beat in a fight? Elton John. Even when you think you've got him beat, he's still standing, better than he's ever been; looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid.

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

Partners of women with a hearing problem are in the happiest relationship.

They always say, "Come again?"

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Detective Shakespeare and his new partner Jameson are on a case...

the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle...

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

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A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple

The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the eart...

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

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It must be a hard time for homosexuals searching for partners

Most of them are not coming out.

True Stkry - White driving along a long stretch of Arizona Hwy, 2 nuns ran out of gas.

Remembering they had passed a gas station a few miles back they left their car & walked back to the gas station. Unfortunately the attendant was alone & didn't have a vehicle to loan the nuns or even an extra gas can to give them to at least go back and get their cat started so they could re...

The Jar

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it wa...

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

Your partner chews before they swallow.

I walked into the biology lab and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect.

I told him, "I think your fly is open."

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.

Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-...

Watching Puss n Boots: You know if I were a criminal i dont think i could trust and egg for a partner...

They would crack to easy if the got caught!

How can you tell if your partner is a true communist comrade?

They only take as much blanket as they need.

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If you are arguing with your sex partner...

You are actually wasting your fucking time .

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Was walking in the woods with my wife the other day. Picked up a pebble and told her about these traditions natives Americans had. They would give their partners an Sex Stone. But this one...

..was just a Fuckin Rock.

My partner asked me to stop singing Oasis songs...

I said maybe

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What do you call a girl who counts all her casual sex partners?

Tally Ho!

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I started playing tennis recently. on the first day I had to tell my tennis partner "I can't grasp these balls" he asked why not.

I said "I'm used to holding a shuttle cock"

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

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A couple were at a pharmacy when they noticed a real old man buying Viagra

The woman nudged her partner (while pointing at the old man) asking to take care of her even when they get old.

Inspired by the old man, the man goes up to him to thank him for being an inspiration. He then asks him, how did they keep the fire alive for so long?

The old man replied, “...

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When is it okay for your partner to lie to you during sex?

When his name is Pinocchio and you’re sitting on his face.

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What do you do if your partner smokes after sex?

What do you do if your partner smokes after sex?

Slow down and use more lubrication.

Why are most solar systems bad business partners?

Most are rated one star and even the best only have three.

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Why sex life of necrophiacs is frustrating?

Potential partners are under a rock

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