UPJOKE
wifehusbandmarriagematepartnernewlywedconsortremarriagegirlfriendloverboyfriendmistresswidowmarryspousal

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Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?

Or is my wife overreacting?

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

What is the difference between a long term spouse and a volcano?

With enough years of study and observation, one can predict a volcano’s explosive tendencies.

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”

I responded, “pesticide”

Suspecting a Cheating Spouse

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

Why are women called a "widow" when their spouse dies, but a man is called "widower"?

Do men have to be better at everything?

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Pro tip: Don't argue with your spouse at night.

Its a waste of your fucking time.

As it is the month of Ramadan

A man goes to an imam and says "I want to get married, find me a spouse."

The imam says "I can't promise I can find you a spouse but if you fast tomorrow, by sunset you'll have a date."

Exasperated, she asked her spouse "Please stop peeing in the shower, it's gross."

He frowned, retorting defensively "Oh come on, hun! It's not that big a deal. A bunch of people pee in the shower. It just washes down the drain..."

She sighed before offering a compromise. "Fine, but can you at least not do it while I'm the one taking a shower?"

What do you call a spouse’s family member with a restraining order?

An outlawed in-law.

In other news, the president's non-binary spouse has been assassinated

The suspect's family claims he was inspired by First-Person Shooters

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Why is hotel sex so much better than sex at home?

You can be loud if you want, make a mess, your spouse isn't there....

If you and your spouse get amorous in a hammock…

Does that make you swingers?

My spouse wanted to try some kinky fish/fisherman role play last night.

I'm hooked

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Husband wants to have sex with his spouse

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off...

Spouse #1: "I love you."

Spouse #1: "I love you."

Spouse #2: "Is that you or the wine talking?"

Spouse #1: "It's me. Talking to the wine."

A hetero couple posted to r/twoXchromosomes to settle a dispute. One spouse had given their child a bike riding lesson but left the bike in the driveway. The other then backed their car over the bike. Who was at fault—the spouse who left the bike there or the spouse who didn’t check behind them?

The subreddit overwhelming responded: The husband.

Things you can say about a Home, But not your spouse.

You can fit a family of 4 in there! even the in laws!


Just come in the back door it's no big deal.


Dangit we got another leak....

Struggling to think of a Christmas present for your spouse?

Get them a fridge, and watch their face light up when they open it

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If you could take your spouse's brain and put it in the body of any any celebrity,

you would probably get arrested for double homicide, you fucking psychopath.

How to earn more trust and love by your spouse

I was advised to do this trusted trick. As per the plan, I was supposed to tell her in a romantic setting; how lucky I am though I do not deserve her being such a good person. Did everything right, I was about to tell her but she made my job easier. She told the same instead.

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

Always remember that you have better taste in things than your spouse

If your spouse has better taste, they wouldn't have chosen you

Be nice to your spouse.

Remember, during these times they can poison you and it would be counted as COVID.

What do accountants’ spouses say to fall asleep when they have insomnia?

“Sweetie, tell me about your job.”

Spouses are a lot like FBI agents

They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

Monogamy is having one spouse. Polygamy is having more than one spouse.

Monopolygamy is marrying the Monopoly Guy.

My spouse is an English teacher.

She sends me a text complaining about how her students aren't understanding some of the basic rules of English grammar. I responded back saying, "There, their, they're, it will be okay."

How do trucks get spouses?

Pickup lines.

My spouse just saw me fall with a basket full of laundry.

They watched it all unfold.

(Got this from r/memes)

Finding out my spouse was disabled and incontinent...

Was a wife-changing experience.

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Woman tries to cut off spouse’s penis but misses and hits his thigh

She was charged with a missed-a-weener

Me, a religous man, just got coronavirus. I refused to see my friend and his spouse...

Because the Lord says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife."

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.

The other 35% were women."

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Do you guys think it's important that you and your spouse enjoy the same fetishes?

I'm really into scat, but my wife keeps telling me she doesn't give a shit.

What did the hot tub say to his spouse when he found out she was cheating?

J'ACUZZI!

NSFW what'd the sodomite say to his spouse after an argument

lets put a plug in it

Why do Patriots fans make the best spouses?

Because they don't mind if you cheat.

What do South Koreans call their spouses?

Seoulmates

After 15 years of marriage you find out your spouse had been with hundreds of men before you got hitched.

Is this a big deal or is my wife overreacting?

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

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Marriage has a 50% chance of divorce

But a 100% chance you'll get fucked by your spouse.

What do you call a Slavic spouse?

Czech-mate

Can one get Slovenian citizenship through a spouse?

Asking for a President.

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I really made my spouse angry when I opened the shower curtain and yelled "peek a boobs!"

He says he's been going to the gym and I really need to be more supportive.

What do you call it when a newlywed foot fetishist cheats on their spouse?

Getting off on the wrong foot.

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Trump, Putin and Trudeau are flying on a plane with their spouses

Suddenly, the engines break down and the plane starts falling. There are just 3 parachutes on board, so Trudeau proposes their wives take them. Putin angrily exclaims "Fuck 'em!" Trump then asks "But do we have enough time?"

What did the cannibal say as he took his spouse's thigh out of the refrigerator?

Today is the first day of the rest of my wife.

If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and spouse, who will you save?

The Bengal tiger of course!! They're getting extinct in the world.

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Three angels are given gifts from god based on their loyalty and appreciation towards their spouses.

The first angel confesses that he often cheats on his wife and believes she would be better off....to be the equivalent of dead in heaven.

The second angel admits that his wife can be a bitch sometimes but still is willing to stick with her for eternity. Provided she stays in shape of course....

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What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it?

You are just jealous of me since I make your spouse scream louder than you!

My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...

She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.

I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?

The dog quits barking once it’s back inside the house

They just passed a new law preventing a spouse from harming individuals when they are caught cheating.

As they say, "If you can't beat them, join them."

What do you call a spouse of 30 years?

A stalemate.

If you leave your spouse, you are divorced. If you leave your fiance...

You are dis-engaged.

A sad first attempt at a joke

(It’s my first time posting here. Don’t blame me for the terrible joke lol)

A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.

Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a c...

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On their wedding night, a deaf couple discuss how they'll tell their spouse they want to have sex.

The wife signs that when he wants sex to rub her right breast. When he doesn't want sex to rub her left breast.

The husband then signs when she wants sex to stroke his penis twice. When she doesn't want sex to stroke his penis 100 times.

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After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" an...

Programming logic

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

Did you hear about the two people with OCD who were cheating on their spouses to be together?

It was a sorted affair.

Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

*The first man*: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his lif...

This guy is walking by a graveyard

He hears a guy moaning…

Why did you die?
Why did you die?

Why did you Die?????


The guy was disturbed and ran over?

I have to ask are you mourning a spouse ?

How about a child?


The man responded : no nothing like that.

Why did you die??? <...

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In honor of my late grandma

This was the best joke she ever told:

A very successful and respected couple had three sons, each of whole became highly successful and well-regarded. One son became a doctor, another an engineer and the last was a lawyer. Every year they gathered for Christmas and soon the children’s spous...

I'm so jealous of my wife

She did a much better job of picking a spouse than I did.

Murder @ Wal-Mart

So here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend o...

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I’m starting a married-parents swingers club

You show up and don’t have sex with someone else’s spouse.

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How to feed a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

It’s normal for married couples to fight.

The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

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There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX: You and your spouse are newlyweds and you fuck all over the house.

BEDROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for a few years, have settled down, and only fuck in the bedroom.

HALL SEX: You and your spouse have been married for fifteen years and say, "Fuck you!" when...

If the plural or mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice...

What does it really mean if my spouse wants to spice things up?

A man's life can be summarized in the question, 'Where are you going?'

He spends the first 25 years of his life with his parents asking him this question, the next 35 years of his life with his spouse and kids asking, and in the end, the mourners asking the same question

Or else!

Timmy was a soft spoken mell-mannered lad and he was soon to be married to Jane. His mates were worried that, with his mild nature, he'd end up being dominated by his new spouse and had a plan to "show her who's the boss". Obviously Timmy thought that would be an appalling idea but finally gave in.<...

A concerned friend asks a guy why he just endures his marriage with an abusive spouse.

He just shrugged it off and says, "beats me."

A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover.

The lawyer says a lover because it’s legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover.
The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse.
The actuary says it’s better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you’re with the o...

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

A buddy of mine has a wife in a coma but he refuses to call her a vegetable...

...he refers to her as his brussel spouse.

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Hall pass

My wife is really not too bright. We have this system where we have what's called a "hall pass" where you get to have sex with any two people in the whole world, as long as your spouse agrees to it.

Now, I picked Angelina Jolie and Christie Brinkley. But my wife, she picked the Mexican guy t...

Three men die and go to heaven

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates.

St. Peter calls up the first man. He says, "Heaven's a big place. I'll give you a car. How nice the car is will depend on your faithfulness to your spouse on Earth. You were not very faithful. I will give you a station wagon."...

how do you turn a screw into a bolt?

the spouse comes home.

Satan appears to a lawyer...

...and says to him, "I offer you this deal. Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate. You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books. After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of you...

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Three Brothers

Three brothers all decide to get married on the same day. Following the ceremony they're in the bar discussing how many times each is going to have sex with their new wives that evening and they soon set a wager. The following morning around the breakfast table, obviously unable to discuss the wager...

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

This book I found

This book I found in my closet says treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents

3 Men die and go to heaven...

3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."
First ma...

Larry, Moe and Joe die and go to heaven

At the pearly Gates, St Peter tell them well since you were overall good people I’ll let you into Heaven however all your Heavenly possessions will be based on how faithful you were to your spouses. Let’s start with you Larry: in 20 years of marriage you cheated on your wife Jennifer 5 times, that m...

My most established grimy joke, From my granddad around the pit fire

An old couple gets pulled over and...
Woman cop - "May I see you permit and enlistment sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old spouse - "She needs to see you permit and enlistment dear."
The old man hands it to the woman cop and...
Woman cop - "Gracious, I see you are from N...

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

The stupidest joke I'll ever make

An Italian man is married to his American car. They've been having financial problems, but the car wants to do something special for their new Mexican neighbors. The car asks "How about we throw them a party?"

To which the Italian man responds with "No"

"Why Not?" says the car spouse...

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league b...

When mediums get drunk and all sentimental...

They call their future spouses.

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An alien couple land their spaceship in a farmer's field



They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if it's ok to swap spouses for the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.



The male alien takes the ...

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Tax inspector marries a woman who was already married 6 times. First wedding night...

"Dear, please be careful, I'm a virgin!"

- No way! There were six spouses now?

"I'll explain everything to you.

My first husband was a psychiatrist. He was just talking about sex. Theoretically. Never did it in practice.

My second husband was a gynaecologist. He was just...

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Three men find themselves at the pearly gates.

The first one approaches Saint peter. "Welcome to heaven's highways my friend" Peter says, "let me ask you, have you ever committed adultery or cheated on your spouse?". The first man admits there was one woman he had dated a while ago, but he apologized to his wife and ended it pretty quickly. Pete...

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Bedroom troubles

A woman cannot reach orgasm when she makes love to her husband.

One day she says to him: "Dear, last night I had an incredible dream: we were making love and, standing on a chair, there was a black man waving a fan; it made me enjoy it a lot ".

They decide to make the dream come true. ...

What's an anime with adultery?

Cory in the Spouse

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates.

Jesus says, "Congratulations, you've all made it to heaven. However, God decided to replace the stairway to heaven with a 100-mile highway. How loyal you were to your spouse in your life decides the quality of the vehicle you get."

The first man walks up to Jesus. He says, "I was completely l...

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Ducks

Three wisemen die and go to heaven for their good deeds. When they arrived at the gates, an Angel greets them and explains the rules, "Under no circumstances are you to step on a duck". And throwing the gates open the wisemen see ducks as far as the eye could see.

The first wiseman goes a wee...

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Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?

Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for th...

CIA Test gone horribly wrong

Three CIA agents, two male and one female, were called in for a briefing. An agent was needed to go on a top secret mission and that agent could have nothing but absolute loyalty to the goal.

"To test that absolute loyalty," said the director, "we have put your spouses in the other room. Take...

Three guys die and go to heaven

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates, and announces "welcome to heaven. it is a vast and holy place. I will assign you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouses"

The first man walks up and is given the keys to a beat up 1989 Honda Civic and St. Peter says to him "you cheate...

In love and war.

A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too...

Sarah, John and Dan are training to be FBI agents.

They eventually reach the final test in the FBI's training program.

The test was this: One person was given a gun and sent inside a room; the door shut behind them and that person's spouse would be tied to a chair inside the room. The person was then told to kill their spouse.

John goe...

My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.

I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

What do Chinese do when they have an election?

They go to their spouse.

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Did you hear about Dolly Parton's husband becoming a professional sperm doner?

* He's jerkin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a living.



(I made this up and i'm kinda proud' feel free to spread it around the globe try it on your friend / spouse now and tell me if it got a smile / laugh - or a slow head shake and a sigh)

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What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage conference, Frank and his wife Ann heard the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to their spouse. MEN. Can you name and describe your ...

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Old but still craven

Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sex though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sex whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says e...

What movie did you go see?

My parents had great fun teasing each other and yanking each other's chains.

They were visiting me (38m at the time) and my wife+kids, and my Dad & I went out to see a movie. We found Jurassic Park I (in 3D), and went to see that. It was an enjoyable experience.

When we were on o...

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

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A Man and a woman met on top of a building.

Man: I just discovered that my wife is having an affair.


Woman: I caught my husband in bed with another woman.


Man: How about lets have sex together to get back at them?


Woman: Nice idea


Then they made passionate love.afterwards...


Woman: lets ...

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