"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.

The other 35% were women."

If you and your spouse get amorous in a hammock…

Does that make you swingers?

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

Things you can say about a Home, But not your spouse.

You can fit a family of 4 in there! even the in laws!


Just come in the back door it's no big deal.


Dangit we got another leak....

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?

The dog quits barking once it’s back inside the house

Me, a religous man, just got coronavirus. I refused to see my friend and his spouse...

Because the Lord says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pro tip: Don't argue with your spouse at night.

Its a waste of your fucking time.

Always remember that you have better taste in things than your spouse

If your spouse has better taste, they wouldn't have chosen you

NSFW what'd the sodomite say to his spouse after an argument

lets put a plug in it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman tries to cut off spouse’s penis but misses and hits his thigh

She was charged with a missed-a-weener

Be nice to your spouse.

Remember, during these times they can poison you and it would be counted as COVID.

Donald Trump is proposing the extermination of all those with coronavirus so as to be able to marry their spouses

I guess he hasn't heard of the Bible where it says "Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbour's wife"

Suspecting a Cheating Spouse

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really made my spouse angry when I opened the shower curtain and yelled "peek a boobs!"

He says he's been going to the gym and I really need to be more supportive.

Spouses are a lot like FBI agents

They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

Frank, Ron, and Steve, all avid golfers, die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates…

Saint Peter says “Behind these gates is the most beautiful golf course you could ever imagine, all you need is a set of clubs.”

Saint Peter turns to Frank and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your spouse?” Frank, ashamed of himself, answers “About a dozen times.”

“Tsk tsk” mumbl...

Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?

His entire wife flashed before his eyes.

My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...

She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.

I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."

My spouse is an English teacher.

She sends me a text complaining about how her students aren't understanding some of the basic rules of English grammar. I responded back saying, "There, their, they're, it will be okay."

If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and spouse, who will you save?

The Bengal tiger of course!! They're getting extinct in the world.

Why do Patriots fans make the best spouses?

Because they don't mind if you cheat.

They just passed a new law preventing a spouse from harming individuals when they are caught cheating.

As they say, "If you can't beat them, join them."

A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover.

The lawyer says a lover because it’s legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover.
The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse.
The actuary says it’s better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you’re with the o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband wants to have sex with his spouse

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 10yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 500+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal?

Because I think my wife is just overreacting?

What do you call it when a newlywed foot fetishist cheats on their spouse?

Getting off on the wrong foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you guys think it's important that you and your spouse enjoy the same fetishes?

I'm really into scat, but my wife keeps telling me she doesn't give a shit.

What did the cannibal say as he took his spouse's thigh out of the refrigerator?

Today is the first day of the rest of my wife.

How do trucks get spouses?

Pickup lines.

A concerned friend asks a guy why he just endures his marriage with an abusive spouse.

He just shrugged it off and says, "beats me."

What do South Koreans call their spouses?

Seoulmates

Finding out my spouse was disabled and incontinent...

Was a wife-changing experience.

Did you hear about the two people with OCD who were cheating on their spouses to be together?

It was a sorted affair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bedroom troubles

A woman cannot reach orgasm when she makes love to her husband.

One day she says to him: "Dear, last night I had an incredible dream: we were making love and, standing on a chair, there was a black man waving a fan; it made me enjoy it a lot ".

They decide to make the dream come true. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Putin and Trudeau are flying on a plane with their spouses

Suddenly, the engines break down and the plane starts falling. There are just 3 parachutes on board, so Trudeau proposes their wives take them. Putin angrily exclaims "Fuck 'em!" Trump then asks "But do we have enough time?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

If you leave your spouse, you are divorced. If you leave your fiance...

You are dis-engaged.

how do you turn a screw into a bolt?

the spouse comes home.

Monogamy is having one spouse. Polygamy is having more than one spouse.

Monopolygamy is marrying the Monopoly Guy.

Three guys die and go to heaven

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates, and announces "welcome to heaven. it is a vast and holy place. I will assign you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouses"

The first man walks up and is given the keys to a beat up 1989 Honda Civic and St. Peter says to him "you cheate...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it?

You are just jealous of me since I make your spouse scream louder than you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On their wedding night, a deaf couple discuss how they'll tell their spouse they want to have sex.

The wife signs that when he wants sex to rub her right breast. When he doesn't want sex to rub her left breast.

The husband then signs when she wants sex to stroke his penis twice. When she doesn't want sex to stroke his penis 100 times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Brothers

Three brothers all decide to get married on the same day. Following the ceremony they're in the bar discussing how many times each is going to have sex with their new wives that evening and they soon set a wager. The following morning around the breakfast table, obviously unable to discuss the wager...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

Can one get Slovenian citizenship through a spouse?

Asking for a President.

What do you call a spouse of 30 years?

A stalemate.

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" an...

It’s normal for married couples to fight.

The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

If the plural or mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice...

What does it really mean if my spouse wants to spice things up?

Happy secret of a 30 years marriage spouse

-There is a spouse marrying for 30 years but they never have any fight.
-The journalist come to interview their secret: How can you do this, what is your secret?
-The husband replied: When my wife came home in the first day, the dog looked at her and barked, she calmly said: "first time". Few...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien couple land their spaceship in a farmer's field



They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if it's ok to swap spouses for the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.



The male alien takes the ...

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three angels are given gifts from god based on their loyalty and appreciation towards their spouses.

The first angel confesses that he often cheats on his wife and believes she would be better off....to be the equivalent of dead in heaven.

The second angel admits that his wife can be a bitch sometimes but still is willing to stick with her for eternity. Provided she stays in shape of course....

So you’ve got a green beret, a Navy Seal, and a sister from Brooklyn

A general is recruiting for a team of his. The general hands each of them a gun and says your spouse is seated next door, in a room, in a chair. In order to pass this test you must go inside and kill them.

Immediately the green beret says ‘No sir, I could never kill my wife. I just can't do i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old but still craven

Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sex though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sex whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says e...

What movie did you go see?

My parents had great fun teasing each other and yanking each other's chains.

They were visiting me (38m at the time) and my wife+kids, and my Dad & I went out to see a movie. We found Jurassic Park I (in 3D), and went to see that. It was an enjoyable experience.

When we were on o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between 1950, 1980 and 2020?

In 1950, safe sex meant with your spouse. In 1980, it meant with a condom. In 2020, it means with a mask.

Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

*The first man*: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his lif...

Satan appears to a lawyer...

...and says to him, "I offer you this deal. Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate. You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books. After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of you...

The stupidest joke I'll ever make

An Italian man is married to his American car. They've been having financial problems, but the car wants to do something special for their new Mexican neighbors. The car asks "How about we throw them a party?"

To which the Italian man responds with "No"

"Why Not?" says the car spouse...

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.

Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Ov...

Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.

The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t buil...

Three men meet a weird car salesman.

Three men, childhood friends, are looking to get new cars. They travel to an odd-looking dealership. They approach the salesman.

Salesman: Greetings, gentlemen. How may I help you today?

The respond that they want new cars.

Salesman: Very well. Answer me one question, and I shal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates.

The first one approaches Saint peter. "Welcome to heaven's highways my friend" Peter says, "let me ask you, have you ever committed adultery or cheated on your spouse?". The first man admits there was one woman he had dated a while ago, but he apologized to his wife and ended it pretty quickly. Pete...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.

The lady mentions hat her new husband is a funeral director.

Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husba...

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tax inspector marries a woman who was already married 6 times. First wedding night...

"Dear, please be careful, I'm a virgin!"

- No way! There were six spouses now?

"I'll explain everything to you.

My first husband was a psychiatrist. He was just talking about sex. Theoretically. Never did it in practice.

My second husband was a gynaecologist. He was just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Man and Old Woman in a Nursing home

An old man and an old woman live in a nursing home. Their spouses have died and they're lonely. After meeting each other, they begin dating. Because they're so old, they can't engage in sex anymore, but they like to just lie in bed, while the old woman holds the old man's penis.

This goes on ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?

Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for th...

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league b...

The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom

There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.

May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.

This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds her...

In love and war.

A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man and a woman met on top of a building.

Man: I just discovered that my wife is having an affair.


Woman: I caught my husband in bed with another woman.


Man: How about lets have sex together to get back at them?


Woman: Nice idea


Then they made passionate love.afterwards...


Woman: lets ...

My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.

I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage conference, Frank and his wife Ann heard the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to their spouse. MEN. Can you name and describe your ...

I've got a story...

So I'm real good friends with this guy named Juan Ted. Now, Juan is a pretty amazing guy. He can steal ANYTHING he wants to. Literally anything. It could be the shirt off your back, the wallet in your pocket, or I'm even sure he'd find a way to steal your house (And your spouse too). So anyway, one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about Dolly Parton's husband becoming a professional sperm doner?

* He's jerkin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a living.



(I made this up and i'm kinda proud' feel free to spread it around the globe try it on your friend / spouse now and tell me if it got a smile / laugh - or a slow head shake and a sigh)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women are near completing their CIA Academy training...

A white girl, a black girl, and a native American girl. The three must each pass a final test. Each is told that their husband is a foreign secret agent, and that they must kill their respective spouses to prove their loyalty. The white woman first is handed a pistol and enters the room wher...

3 Men die and go to heaven...

3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."
First ma...

This book I found

This book I found in my closet says treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents

When mediums get drunk and all sentimental...

They call their future spouses.

Man and woman are training to be assassins

For their final test, the recruiter hands each of them a gun and tells them that their spouse is in the next room and they must shoot their spouse to pass the test.

The man goes into the room and returns crying a few minutes later, saying he can't shoot his wife.

The woman goes into ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX: You and your spouse are newlyweds and you fuck all over the house.

BEDROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for a few years, have settled down, and only fuck in the bedroom.

HALL SEX: You and your spouse have been married for fifteen years and say, "Fuck you!" when...

Man with his blonde wife on a road trip and then a police officer stops them...

"License and registration please!" Says the police officer.

"But why did you stop us," says the husband.

"You've been running over 100 kilometers which is the limit," replies the officer.

"Did you make a mistake?" Says the husband, "I am sure i wasn't going over the limit".
<...

Ode to Hillary

Ode to Hillary

There was a crooked woman, and she wore a crooked smile
She found a crooked dollar and she dodged a crooked trial
She bought a crooked server, and wed a crooked spouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house

How to cheer up your spouse

A man comes home from a tough day at work and sits down on the couch. His wife comes up to him and asks how his day was.

"It was the worst day this month. Everything went wrong and the boss blamed me for everything, even things that I had nothing to do with".

His wife said "I'm sorry ...

What do Chinese do when they have an election?

They go to their spouse.

Sarah, John and Dan are training to be FBI agents.

They eventually reach the final test in the FBI's training program.

The test was this: One person was given a gun and sent inside a room; the door shut behind them and that person's spouse would be tied to a chair inside the room. The person was then told to kill their spouse.

John goe...

A resignation letter to my boss

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief. Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are standing at the pearly gates.

Jesus says, "Congratulations, you've all made it to heaven. However, God decided to replace the stairway to heaven with a 100-mile highway. How loyal you were to your spouse in your life decides the quality of the vehicle you get."

The first man walks up to Jesus. He says, "I was completely l...

Three men die in a car crash

They find themselves at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter approaches them, saying "Okay, you'll get a vehicle for getting around Heaven depending on your faithfulness to your spouse".

The first man says "I never cheated on my wife, and I love her". He gets a Ferrari.

The second man says...

Three men die and go to heaven

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates.

St. Peter calls up the first man. He says, "Heaven's a big place. I'll give you a car. How nice the car is will depend on your faithfulness to your spouse on Earth. You were not very faithful. I will give you a station wagon."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are in a bar....

Both men are married, and both have anniversaries coming up. They begin discussing the gifts they obtained for their spouses.

The first gentleman says, "I got her a tennis bracelet, a spa membership, and a week long cruise. What about you?"

"Oh. Um, I got mine a pair of slippers and a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio show holds a competition...

Radio Host: Good morning listeners. It's that time of the day again for our competition. As a reminder of the rules we're gonna call a person and ask them a 3 personal questions. We're then gonna call their partner/spouse and ask them the same 3 questions. If their answers match they will win today'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ducks

Three wisemen die and go to heaven for their good deeds. When they arrived at the gates, an Angel greets them and explains the rules, "Under no circumstances are you to step on a duck". And throwing the gates open the wisemen see ducks as far as the eye could see.

The first wiseman goes a wee...

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey and Minnie

Mickey’s lawyer says, “Your honor, my client requests a divorce from his spouse Minnie on the grounds that she is crazy.” And Mickey says, “You idiot, I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

What's an anime with adultery?

Cory in the Spouse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer couple is visited by aliens

Two space aliens, a male and a female, land their ship in the middle of a farm and meet the husband and wife who own it. They start talking and the farmers put them up in their house for a few weeks. They exchange stories about culture and technology. On the last night before the aliens depart, the ...

[Long] A man and his wife are living in a cabin in the woods...

One day, the man goes to the well to get some water for the cabin before going to chop firewood, and clumsily drops his trusty hatchet into the well. The spirit of the well rises and says 'I am the spirit of the well, and help those who lose possesions in my well'. He asks the man what he needs help...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.