A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.

Einstein: Tell me what you need, I'm here to help.

Wife: I just need two things right now, some space and time.

Einstein: Ok, so what's the second thing?

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me, “You have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?”

I said, “Can’t say that I do.”

My therapist said, “Yes, that’s the main one.”

What does it mean when a man reaches out to hold your hand after 50 years of marriage?

He's just doing a pulse check.

How are marriage and a hurricane similar?

In the beginning theres lots of blowing and in the end you lose your house.

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"

The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.

9 months later, they had twins.

What do you call a Russian marriage?

Soviet Union.

A British man and an Indian man were talking about arranged marriage.

English man: How could you marry a woman
before knowing her?


Indian man: How could you marry a woman
AFTER knowing her?

What do you call an arranged marriage between two apathetic communists?

The so be it union.

A concerned friend asks a guy why he just endures his marriage with an abusive spouse.

He just shrugged it off and says, "beats me."

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time. Her father is a heart surgeon. At one point in the evening, the father pulls the man aside and says, "There is something you should know about Saanvi before you wed. I am her doctor as well as her fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

Marriage

**Before Marriage**

Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.

Girl: You want me to leave?

Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of course. Lots!

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: No! Why are you asking me?

Gi...

Nobody warn you about the 3 rings of marriage.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring

”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.

”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.

A Newly-Wed couple is in their hotel room, ready to consummate the marriage...

... the groom sits on the edge of the bed and takes off his socks. His new bride looks at his feet and says, "Woah! What in the world happened to your feet!?"

"Oh that.. when I was young I contracted toelio!" he replies.

"Toelio!?" she exclaims, "you mean POLio right?"

"Nope, ...

Why is Bill Gates's wife unhappy in her marriage?

Because he has a Microsoft

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three stages of sex after marriage:

1. Tri-weekly.
2. Try weekly.
3. Try weakly.

My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

Keeping it hot after 50 years of marriage.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. 

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this ...

My grandfather always told me "A marriage completes a man....

After that he is finished."

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

Marriage counselor

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsel...

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

I like my whiskey like I like my marriage..

On the rocks.

My stupid parents and their stupid great marriage.

Ruined my standup career.

I took my Wife to a marriage counsellor

She said she was sick of my Star Wars jokes.
I told the counsellor
Divorce is strong with this one.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

Marriage is about accepting each other’s flaws. For example, if I fart, my wife calls me disgusting and hits me.

If my wife farts, she calls me disgusting and hits me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife who was a bit of a nag died suddenly after 25 years Of marriage. . .

On the day of the funeral the pall bearers were carrying the coffin followed by the grieving husband. They were leaving the church after the service when one of them slipped a bit knocking the coffin into the corner of a wall and jarring it rather suddenly. A moment after they did so, they began to...

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife experiencing a crisis in their relationship have their first session with the marriage counselor.

He wants to start the therapy with something encouraging and motivating, so he asks them: "Tell me one aspect of your personalities that is common for you."

The husband replies with disappointed voice: "None of us gives blowjobs."

Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.

It was her grandmother.

Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?

Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.

Wife: what is it?

Grandmother: Love

After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at ...

After two years of a marriage...

Mother in law: it is time for you guys become 3 from 2

Daughter in law: I know, I have been asking your son to try a threesome but he refuses....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage...

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

I have a storybook marriage.

Lots of stories have witches.

In our 20 years of marriage, my wife not never done anything wrong.

She never does anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are 3 phases of sex in a marriage.

1. First 5 years - House sex (Anytime / Anywhere)
2. 5 to 15 years - Bedroom sex (only in the bedroom)
3. 15 years plus - Hallway sex (You walk past your partner in the hallway and say ‘Fuck you’)

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.

Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the biggest obstacle of sex after 50 years of marriage?

Depends

Mark was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage

as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying wa...

Why are Unhappy Marriages like the Police

They crush the life out of you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After twenty years of marriage, a guy suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want sex pull, my dick hundred and ninety-eight times."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An interview to a marriage who never had a fight in almost 70 years

~ And why have you never had a fight in your marriage?

-It all started when we were getting married, we made the vows, we kissed and then we finished the wedding, then we went to a carriage on the way to our house for our honeymoon and the horse was a beautiful white color.

After wal...

Like I always say. Marriage is grand.

Divorce is a hundred-grand.

Marriage

if any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully




on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

>!on the other hand, you don't!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

Marriage is not a word

It is a life sentence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grand uncle revealed to me that he has been in a same sex marriage for years.

I asked him, "How did you do it when it was illegal back then?”

He was confused, so I said “back then it was illegal to marry a male, since you are a male.”

My grand uncle said, “I wish. I’ve always want to try something different with my wife, but she just wants the same sex day after...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marriage sex.

An 18 year old guy gets married to a 90 year old widow. Someone asks her ‘hey what about the sex’.

She pauses for a moment and replies:

‘if he dies, he dies’.

A book of dad jokes saved my marriage.

Was finally able to make my wife moan.

What's the difference between a 10 yr job and a 10 yr marriage?

The job still sucks after 10 years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand the opposition to same sex marriage.

Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?

I will always reject marriage proposal from any girl

I don't think I can live with someone with such a poor taste

Why did the pharaohs marriage fall apart?

Pyramid Scheme

How did the stoner propose to his wife?

Marriage, Juana?

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wealthy marriage facing economical pressure

They have decided to start saving up money



"Well honey, as you can see, we're getting through serious money trouble, so we need to do sacrifices" the man told her "I was thinking that you might start to learn to do the laundry so we can fire the laundry man"



And her wif...

Marriage is...

Marriage is knowing you never want your partner to die, but hating them for chewing too loud.

After 5 years of marriage

After 5 years of marriage the wife finds £7,500 in cash and 4 eggs on top of the wardrobe.
Intrigued she asked the husband the meaning of it.

Husband: Well since we got married I've put one egg up there for every time you annoy me.

Chuffed that in all of 5 years the husband had coll...

A man carefully looking through his marriage certificate

His wife asked: What are you looking for?

Man answered: Searched through this for 3 hours and found no GODDAMN Expiration date!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Jamaican spicemaker who had sex before marriage?

He was a cinna-mon

I was explaining to my third wife that I had been married twice before, and that both marriages tragically ended in death.

Intrigued, the wife asks “How did they die?”

I explain “My first wife died after eating poisoned mushrooms while we were on our honeymoon.”

She says “I’m so sorry to hear that. What about the second wife?”

I respond with “She died of a mortal head injury. Fortunately for her, he...

After so many years in our marriage, my Wife wanted me to buy some pills to spice things up in the bedroom

*Apparently I was the bad guy buying diet pills.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tim's wife Shannon likes to yell at him.

"Why did you do that, for Pete's sake?" She'd shout whenever he did something she didn't like, which over several years of marriage, was quite a lot.

Until one night, Tim had enough. He left the house in a rage and didn't come back. In the morning, Shannon woke up to find a policeman at the ...

What’s the similarity between a Marriage and a Tornado?

There’s a lot of sucking and blowing then someone loses the house.

Newborn marriage

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday he then chuckled and said maybe they'll marry each other.

I'm like yeah cuz my son is going to marry someone twice his age

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?

It begins with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you still loose your house

After five years of marriage I can finally say I know exactly what gets my wife turned on...

...not much, as it turns out.

Marriage is like a workshop; the husband works very hard

And the wife shops very hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.

His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”

He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What position do people in a failed marriage have sex in

96

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My marriage counselor told me that to improve my marriage, I have to show my love to my wife

I was a bit skeptical, but made a date with my love and showed her to my wife.

I've just woken up from a coma with five broken bones.

I’m going to sue that incompetent son of a bitch!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old widowers

Two old friends, both widowers, are sitting on a bench recounting the days of their youth and discussing what they've done in life.

Widower 1: My only regret is that I cheated on my wife early on in our marriage. I can only admit it now as my wife is no longer alive. I was young and foolish a...

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

Marriage changes everything.

Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Since seeing a relationship coach, I'm finally happy in my marriage

She's amazing in bed

Jeff Bezos had to divorce his wife last year.

He was shocked when he found out that marriage counted as a union.

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife.

I swam for the surface instead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In marriage therapy the husband loudly proclaims: "I am married to my best friend!"

The husband than leans over to the Therapist and ads covertly: "My wife doesn't know of course."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couples coffee (OC WIP)

A priest, a marriage counselor, and a notorious playboy are all at of a romantic breakfast for couples event when the announcer gets on stage and pulls back a curtain to reveal a coffee-making robot with hundreds of robotic arms. He announces that this robot automatically makes coffee for both the p...

I asked my masochist friend why he stays with his wife in a loveless marriage.

He just shrugged and said, “beats me”.

Marriage Fight

Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did. It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I pro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

It was only after the accident, which left the mans feet severely injured that their marriage turned sour.

Unbeknownst him he had married someone who was lack-toes intolerant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me he didn’t believe in sex before marriage

So I showed him some photos

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.