A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife.

I swam for the surface instead

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Therapist: It seems like you have acute marriage phobia. Do you know the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say that I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

How to sustain a long marriage

Have two romatic dinners every week.

You can do a lot of things on a romatic dinner, like drinking wine, dancing, watching TV etc.

My wife goes on Monday and Wednesday, I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Marriage is a give and take relationship.

I give her money and I take out the trash.

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A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

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3 Stages Of Sex in Marriage

Stage 1 - Honeymoon Sex - you have just gotten married and you two have sex constantly.

Stage 2 - Birthday Sex - you have been married a while and now only have sex on Holidays and Special Occasions.

Stage 3 - Hallway Sex - after a long time being married when you two pass each other...

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those who are inside are desperate to come out.

Bob looked at his wife Mary and said ”I can’t believe today makes 2 happy years of marriage”

Mary: Bob, we have been married for 15 years...

Bob: I SAID HAPPY

My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

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After 20 years of marriage.. I like to boast my wife still give me sex almost every day..

Almost on a Monday..

Almost on a Tuesday...

Almost on a Wednesday..

Almost on a Thursday..

Almost on a Friday...

Almost on a Saturday..

And damn almost on a Sunday..

Secret of a successful marriage!

An old man married for 52 years was asked by his neighbor about the secret for his successful marriage.

The old man stated that on the night of his marriage, he and his newly wed bride had decided that if one of them ever got angry with the other, they would settle the issue peacefully.
...

Judge: why did you kill your wife after 30 years of marriage?

Defendant: procrastination.

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will...

Today, I celebrated 25 years of marriage to my wife.

At dinner, she asked, "25 years is really something. What do you think?"

I say, "I'm just thinking, if I had killed you when I had the chance, I'd just now be getting out of prison on parole..."

Marriage is all about making compromises.

For example, my wife wanted to paint our house blue and I wanted to paint our house red.

So as a compromise, we decided to paint our house blue.

Our marriage councilor said I need to show my wife more appreciation for the things she does.

So this morning I slipped her a twenty and said “this is for last night”.

I don’t understand.

In their 5th marriage anniversary the guy took his wife to china

when he came back his friend asked him "what did you do for the anniversary?"

"I took her to china", the man said.

his friend: "wow, that was only for your 5th anniversary, I wonder what you gonna do for your 50th one?"

he replied: "I'm gonna go get her back".

Me and my wife know the secret to a happy Marriage...

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant.

She goes Mondays I go Fridays.

Healthy Marriage reminds me of Cheap Electronics

Battery’s not included

A man (37) and his wife (19) go to a restaurant to celebrate their marriage.

They received some disapproving glances at first. Later, the people started calling the husband “pedo”, “pervert” and “sick” and shamed the couple for the age difference.


Completely ruined their 10th anniversary.

5 years ago, i asked my crush out and today i asked her for marriage

Yeah... Both time she said NOO!!

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A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

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Fish marriage aid

What does a pair of married fish use to help their ailing sex life?



a "gill-do"

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I HATE these same sex marriage laws...

It has been way too damn repetitive after I got married. I really wanna just wanna try new things in bed.

Happy marriage

One day a young man asks his grandfather, "How have you and Grandma had successful marriage?"

The old man replies "When we first got married we made a very important agreement. As the man, I would handle all of the big important decisions. Then she would handle all the smaller less importan...

My marriage is like Drivers Ed

Where my wife is in the driving seat and I am in the passenger seat with a training wheel which does not really do anything.

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I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage

Zero fucks were given.

My wife and I decided that in our marriage, I would make all of the big decisions, and she would make all of the little ones.

Married 30 years. No big decisions yet.

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I’m all for same-sex marriage ...

having the same sex would be much better than a no-sex marriage

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By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

Why is a marriage like a hurricane?

At the beginning there's a lot of blowing, and when it's over your house is gone...

Why did the guy ask for his girlfriend's hand in marriage?

He was tired of using his own.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the...

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After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. <...

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

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S&M after 20 years of marriage

she sleeps while you masturbate

On arranged marriage

An American sitting in a bar with an Indian...
American guy: how can you guys marry women before knowing them?
Indian guy : how can you marry after knowing them?

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Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

There are a lot of pro's and con's to marriage

On the one hand, you get to wear this cool ring.

But on the other hand, you don't....

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What's The Difference Between Marriage And Prison

In prison you can have sex.

What is marriage really like?

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothe...

What was Adam and Eve’s biggest problem during their marriage?

They could never agree on who wore the plants in the family.

What did the melon say to the lemon’s marriage proposal?

I cantaloupe

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The blissful marriage

Wife stumbles through back door at 6am. Husband sipping his whisky snorts “What time do you call this, you stupid fat pig?”.

“Shut you obese revolting face. Some of us have to work to keep you stocked up with bacon and booze. And before you say anything else, the fleet is in, I made $400.50 s...

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The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.



I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"



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What do you call the ban on same sex marriage?

Rainbow Sex Seize

A guy talks with his friend about his marriage.

Guy: "It's getting bad these days, my wife spends her evenings going around the bars of the city."

Friend: "Is she an alcoholic?"

Guy: “No, she's looking for me."

He proposed marriage, because she promised she will make him try different positions

Now he is a husband, a driver, a cook, a gardener and a plumber.

Marriage

A couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "One of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"


The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like -- a plumber?"


A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "The car...

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.

“Congratulations Harry,” his boss said. “I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for 22 years, and I’m sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”

“B...

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A young couple who saved themselves for marriage were about to tie the knot

The night before their nuptials, the bride confided in her maid of honor about her concerns.

"I lied and told him I was a virgin, and now I am afraid he'll find out!"

"Don't worry," her friend told her. "This is what you do: go to the butcher and get him to slice you a nice thin piece...

A man's life is incomplete until marriage.

Then he's finished.

What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Surname.

Jeff Bezos divorced his wife after 25 years of marriage...

I guess she's past her prime.

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The marriage counsellor asked me and my wife: "Describe your sex life in three words."

I said, "Depends who with..."

Why didn't Luke Skywalker's marriages ever last?

He wanted to follow Obi-Wan's advice: "Use divorce, Luke"

A long marriage

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

You get three rings in marriage

Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering

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A Husband has become well-known for how well his marriage is going..

It had been almost 50 years, and not a single fight, nor disagreement had ever occurred between the two. One day, a friend finally confronted him to share his secret of success.

"Well, my friend.. it all goes back to our beautiful wedding. After the ceremony, we promised to ride horses into t...

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A man is at work on the day of his marriage anniversary...

However, on the same day, his incredibly hot secretary confesses her feelings and offers to have sex with him.

Because he had been stressed over work, the man takes her up on her offer, and the two make love at a nearby hotel room. They went at it so hard to the point that neither realized i...

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

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After 20 years of marriage, I've now become bi-sexual...

I get sex twice a year...

In my experience, what's the key to a successful marriage?

Whiskey.

A man before marriage, is a dude.

A man after marriage, is subdued.

After 50 years of marriage. The wife let her husband to open the mysterious chest.

A couple was married for 50 years. And from the first day of their marriage the wife put a chest in their bedroom. It was a tough chest, impossible to open. 50 years the husband tried to open it, but nothing worked. The wife didn't tell him what was in there either. So at the 50th anniversary of the...

Marriage Question

So if a person from Holland and a person from the Philippines got married, would their babies be called Hollapiños?

What's the difference between War and Marriage?

One is a destructive conflict, where men can lose their children, their home, and nearly everything they possess.



The other is War.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all....

Trump says he believes in traditional marriages

He has had 3 of them so far

Marriage means commitment.

Of course, so does insanity.

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What’s it called when a devout Catholic wants to have sex before marriage?

The Poophole Loophole

Marriage banter

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

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After 25 years of marriage, my wife and I have only oral sex....

...We shout, "Fuck you!" as we pass each other in the hall.

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I told my therapist that my marriage was in danger because I wouldn't stop doing a Borat impression

He asked me who led me to believe this ...

A month after marriage, I was afraid my wife would kill me

A year after marriage, I was afraid she wouldn't.

What's a hitman's secret to a happy marriage?

He always takes out the trash, no questions asked.

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Sex before marriage is considered a sin

And after marriage a miracle

Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

We call the offices to register Births, Marriages and Death's in our town....

Hatch em, Match em and Dispatch em.

Love Versus Marriage

What's the difference between love and marriage?

-Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

My son asked what marriage was like.

I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

Why did God invent marriage?

Because hopes and dreams won't crush themselves y'know.

Marriage is the process of ...

finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

It's said that 50% of marriages end in divorce...

No one mentions that the other 50% end in death.

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

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On first night of their marriage husband & wife claim Virginity.

Wife: “If This Is Your First Time How Did You Fuck So Well”.

Husband: “If This Is Your First Time How Do You Know I Fucked So Well“

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I don’t see the big deal with same sex marriage

Me and my wife have been having the same sex for over 20 years

After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.

I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”

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Dave waited until marriage to have sex with his wife

Meanwhile he was regularly visiting brothels. After the first night of his marriage he came to visit Steve looking devastated.

Steve: what's the matter, Dave?

Dave: Last night, out of habit, I pulled out a $50 bill before having sex.

Steve: that's no big deal. You could explain...

My marriage counselor told me to try anything my wife wants to do for at least 10 minutes.

So she asked me to hold my breath.

The marriage of Charles and Diana was doomed from their wedding night....

...that's when Diana discovered that not all rulers are 12" long.

A proposal was sent for arranged marriage.

The girl's parents said "we don't like your son."

Guy's parents: we don't like him either, but what can we do?

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