”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.

”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

<...

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage...

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

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By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.

" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. "
(Leviticus 20: 13)

I will always reject marriage proposal from any girl

I don't think I can live with someone with such a poor taste

A book of dad jokes saved my marriage.

Was finally able to make my wife moan.

What's the difference between a 10 yr job and a 10 yr marriage?

The job still sucks after 10 years

Why did the pharaohs marriage fall apart?

Pyramid Scheme

Marriage is like a deck of cards

It starts with Hearts and Diamonds and finishes with a Club and a Spade.

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

Marriage is like a workshop; the husband works very hard

And the wife shops very hard

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I don't understand the opposition to same sex marriage.

Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?

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Marriage counselor: so tell me what you and your wife have in common...

Husband: well, neither of us suck dick..

What’s the similarity between a Marriage and a Tornado?

There’s a lot of sucking and blowing then someone loses the house.

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What position do people in a failed marriage have sex in

96

Newborn marriage

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday he then chuckled and said maybe they'll marry each other.

I'm like yeah cuz my son is going to marry someone twice his age

After five years of marriage I can finally say I know exactly what gets my wife turned on...

...not much, as it turns out.

Marriage is grand

Divorce is 20 grand

To some men marriage is a word

to others it's a sentence

What does my whiskey and my marriage have in common?

Both are on the rocks, because I have a drinking problem

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Marriage changes everything.

Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

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In marriage therapy the husband loudly proclaims: "I am married to my best friend!"

The husband than leans over to the Therapist and ads covertly: "My wife doesn't know of course."

Since seeing a relationship coach, I'm finally happy in my marriage

She's amazing in bed

It was only after the accident, which left the mans feet severely injured that their marriage turned sour.

Unbeknownst him he had married someone who was lack-toes intolerant

I asked my masochist friend why he stays with his wife in a loveless marriage.

He just shrugged and said, “beats me”.

Marriage Fight

Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did. It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I pro...

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My friend told me he didn’t believe in sex before marriage

So I showed him some photos

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I'm in favour of same sex marriages.

Because I've been having the same sex with the wife for over 30 years.

'You have a fear of marriage, do you know the symptoms?' ...

'I can't say I do'..

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Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.

His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”

He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to s...

What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?

It begins with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you still loose your house

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.

Husband: To be honest I didn't even know she sold them.

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

Why is Bill Gates' wife unhappy in her marriage?

Because he has a Microsoft

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"In a week, how many times do you have sex with your wife?" asked my marriage counsellor.

I said, "Almost every time..."

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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

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Did you hear about the Jamaican spicemaker who had sex before marriage?

He was a cinna-mon

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

I went to a satellite’s marriage this weekend.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was incredible!

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I am so glad that I waited until marriage to have sex with my girlfriend

Sex is way more fun when I am cheating on my wife

A couple goes to a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks, “What brings you two here today?”

The wife says, “He takes everything literally, l can’t stand it anymore!”

The husband says, “My truck.”

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Our marriage counselor said, "sex in a relationship should not take the back seat".

I said, "not a problem I drive a 2 seater roadster"

My wife pipes up, "true, that stick shift is a blessing!"

I Want A Divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and
asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this ca...

The Reason God created marriage..

So death wasn't so disappointing.

my wife after 25 years of marriage asked me to choose my happiest memory, a moment when we were together

I said for god’s sake woman, make up your mind, which one do you want?

We had a marriage to attend at 8 pm. My wife started applying make up at 6pm

The previous day

The guy who invented marriage

Only did it once to realize it was a mistake

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I married a girl who didn’t believe in sex before marriage.

In hindsight, I should have made sure she believed in sex after marriage

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Three marriage criteria

There was a woman, whose relationship is always a disaster.

Frustrated, she decided to put up a notice in search of one special partner. She specify three criteria. Any man who want her, must met all of the criteria.

However, her criteria seems ridiculous since there’s no one respond...

Marriage is like a game of poker

At first you have two hearts and a diamond
By the end all you want is a club and spade

Why do couples that are into bondage have a high marriage rate?

They love to tie the knot.

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife.

I swam for the surface instead

Why did the two pianists always have a good marriage?

They were always in a chord.

I’ve become a millionaire shortly after marriage!

I used to be a billionaire before getting married.

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If you've ever been rejected by someone who wanted to wait until marriage to have sex,

One might say you were chaste away.

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I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.

I asked what the hell are you doing?


He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.

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A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

Mulla's Marriage

Mulla Nasrudin was round at his fiancee's home, having a serious talk with her father.

"Sir, I'd like to marry your daughter," he announced .

His girl's father looked at him.

"Have you seen my wife yet?" he asked.

"OH, YES SIR," replied Nasrudin. "BUT IF YOU DON'T MIND, I...

Donald Trump's marriage will be fine.

He only went through a Stormy patch.

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Therapist: It seems like you have acute marriage phobia. Do you know the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say that I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

Farting in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would ple...

Why did the orange fleshed melon have to have a traditional marriage ceremony?

Obviously because it Cantelope.

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my pass...

Where did the two men line up to get their marriage certificate?

In the LGBT-queue

You know what the 3 rings of marriage are?

The engagement ring.
The wedding ring.
And the suffering.

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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the wife, “What's the problem?”

She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well not exactly; it’s her that suffers, not me.”

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

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Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having sex before marriage. He said, “God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn’t have sex with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?”

The other minister thinks and then says, “I don’t think so, what was her maiden name?”

Marriage is like borrowing money

12 months with no interest

A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage.

A friend of the couple asked, “How is that even possible?” Husband replied, “Well, we went to a Ranch for our honeymoon. While horseback riding, my wife’s horse jumped and my wife fell off. She got up patted the horse and said, ‘This is your first time.’ After a while it happened again and she said,...

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Even after 20 years of marriage, my husband still reminds me how juicy my ass looked on our very first date...

Which really pisses me off, since he was the one who suggested Indian food.

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Two teenagers are on a date...

The date is going well, and after some making out towards the end of the evening, the guy asks if he can get a blowjob. "I'm sorry, but if I do that for you I feel like you won't respect me after" she says. After a year and a half of dating, they get married. On their wedding night, the new husband...

walmart marriage chapel

Walmart was going to put in a marriage chapel. After thinking about it they decided not to because they already had a problem with returns

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3 Stages Of Sex in Marriage

Stage 1 - Honeymoon Sex - you have just gotten married and you two have sex constantly.

Stage 2 - Birthday Sex - you have been married a while and now only have sex on Holidays and Special Occasions.

Stage 3 - Hallway Sex - after a long time being married when you two pass each other...

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

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The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.



I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"



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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will...

Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those who are inside are desperate to come out.

I have heard about a man who remained unmarried his whole life.......

I have heard about a man who remained unmarried his whole life, and when he was dying, ninety years old, somebody asked him, “You have remained unmarried your whole life, but you have never said what the reason was. Now you are dying, at least quench our curiosity. If there is any secret, now you ca...

What is marriage really like?

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothe...

My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

Marriage problems

We were headed to dinner. We were waiting in the train station and I left to go to the bathroom and when I came back I must have gotten on the southbound train and she, thinking I was done, got on the northbound train. When she found out, she was furious! She said it’s things like this that drive us...

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After 20 years of marriage.. I like to boast my wife still give me sex almost every day..

Almost on a Monday..

Almost on a Tuesday...

Almost on a Wednesday..

Almost on a Thursday..

Almost on a Friday...

Almost on a Saturday..

And damn almost on a Sunday..

My wife and I's marriage is built upon love and understanding.

She doesn't love me, and i don't understand her.

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I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage

Zero fucks were given.

It was foreseeable that Jeff Bezos would destroy his marriage

After all, marriage is a sort of union.

Secret to Marriage

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woma...

A husband and wife were having problems...

A husband and wife were having problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their breakup.

The judge asked the husband,"What had brought you to this point where you are unable to keep this ma...

Me and my wife know the secret to a happy Marriage...

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant.

She goes Mondays I go Fridays.

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S&M after 20 years of marriage

she sleeps while you masturbate

How to sustain a long marriage

Have two romatic dinners every week.

You can do a lot of things on a romatic dinner, like drinking wine, dancing, watching TV etc.

My wife goes on Monday and Wednesday, I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Secret of a successful marriage!

An old man married for 52 years was asked by his neighbor about the secret for his successful marriage.

The old man stated that on the night of his marriage, he and his newly wed bride had decided that if one of them ever got angry with the other, they would settle the issue peacefully.
...

Irish Divorce

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fi...

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A Husband has become well-known for how well his marriage is going..

It had been almost 50 years, and not a single fight, nor disagreement had ever occurred between the two. One day, a friend finally confronted him to share his secret of success.

"Well, my friend.. it all goes back to our beautiful wedding. After the ceremony, we promised to ride horses into t...

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

Marriage is a give and take relationship.

I give her money and I take out the trash.

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An elderly couple was having dinner at the diner where they had their first date.

The husband said, "it's so nice to be back here after all these years."

"Yes," agreed the wife, "do you remember our first date here 50 years ago?"

"How could I forget?" Answered the husband, "you took me behind that building there across the street and let me put you up against the fe...

In their 5th marriage anniversary the guy took his wife to china

when he came back his friend asked him "what did you do for the anniversary?"

"I took her to china", the man said.

his friend: "wow, that was only for your 5th anniversary, I wonder what you gonna do for your 50th one?"

he replied: "I'm gonna go get her back".

Bob looked at his wife Mary and said ”I can’t believe today makes 2 happy years of marriage”

Mary: Bob, we have been married for 15 years...

Bob: I SAID HAPPY

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A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

Our marriage councilor said I need to show my wife more appreciation for the things she does.

So this morning I slipped her a twenty and said “this is for last night”.

I don’t understand.

Today, I celebrated 25 years of marriage to my wife.

At dinner, she asked, "25 years is really something. What do you think?"

I say, "I'm just thinking, if I had killed you when I had the chance, I'd just now be getting out of prison on parole..."

A man (37) and his wife (19) go to a restaurant to celebrate their marriage.

They received some disapproving glances at first. Later, the people started calling the husband “pedo”, “pervert” and “sick” and shamed the couple for the age difference.


Completely ruined their 10th anniversary.

A small chunk of cereal made its way to his best friend

"I'm going to get married!" said the cereal

"Whoa, thats cool!" said his friend, "But I gotta warn you... its hard for cereal to maintain their marriage."

"Why is that?"

"Well, it seems like you've got this in the bag, but it always, my dear friend, always breaks down."

An elderly man went in to see his doctor

Man: “I no longer seem to be able to maintain an erection, and it’s beginning to cause a strain on my marriage!”
Dr: “I see... and when did you first notice that you were having difficulty?”
Man: “twice last night and once this morning”

Marriage is all about making compromises.

For example, my wife wanted to paint our house blue and I wanted to paint our house red.

So as a compromise, we decided to paint our house blue.

My wife and I decided that in our marriage, I would make all of the big decisions, and she would make all of the little ones.

Married 30 years. No big decisions yet.

Yo momma is so ugly

That your father no longer finds her attractive and I am seriously concerned about the health of their marriage.

Jeff Bezos divorced his wife after 25 years of marriage...

I guess she's past her prime.

Healthy Marriage reminds me of Cheap Electronics

Battery’s not included

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What do you call the ban on same sex marriage?

Rainbow Sex Seize

A wife told her husband that he put football before their marriage.

“That’s not true,” he said. “After all, this is our fourth season together.”

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.

“Congratulations Harry,” his boss said. “I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for 22 years, and I’m sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”

“B...

Happy marriage

One day a young man asks his grandfather, "How have you and Grandma had successful marriage?"

The old man replies "When we first got married we made a very important agreement. As the man, I would handle all of the big important decisions. Then she would handle all the smaller less importan...

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I’m all for same-sex marriage ...

having the same sex would be much better than a no-sex marriage

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairytale

Fair enough I left her in the forest with a loaf of bread

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Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

On arranged marriage

An American sitting in a bar with an Indian...
American guy: how can you guys marry women before knowing them?
Indian guy : how can you marry after knowing them?

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Fish marriage aid

What does a pair of married fish use to help their ailing sex life?



a "gill-do"

Marriage Question

So if a person from Holland and a person from the Philippines got married, would their babies be called Hollapiños?

There are a lot of pro's and con's to marriage

On the one hand, you get to wear this cool ring.

But on the other hand, you don't....

Why did the guy ask for his girlfriend's hand in marriage?

He was tired of using his own.

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After 20 years of marriage, I've now become bi-sexual...

I get sex twice a year...

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A man is at work on the day of his marriage anniversary...

However, on the same day, his incredibly hot secretary confesses her feelings and offers to have sex with him.

Because he had been stressed over work, the man takes her up on her offer, and the two make love at a nearby hotel room. They went at it so hard to the point that neither realized i...

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