This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

I'm in an open marriage.

I just learned.

Hollywood marriages

TV interviewer: You were married four times: to a banker, to an actor, to a minister, and to an undertaker. Can you tell me why?

Legendary actress: Well, it was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!



(I'll see myself out, no need to push...)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...

that I'm in the control group.

"Marriage" isn't a word.

It's a sentence.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?" Me: "Can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is very important to like the same birds in your marriage

When I am looking for my wife to have sex, she ducks, but I wish she would swallow.

My wife and I just celebrated 10 years of a happy marriage!

Coincidentally it happened to be our 30th anniversary.

A couple goes to the chamber of a marriage counselor...

A couple goes to the chamber of a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the man, "So, can you tell me what started your problems?"

The man replies. "It started off a trivial thing. I just said to her, "Julia, can you bring me a glass of water?"

The counselor says, "Julia, what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Henry and Harriet where reminiscing about their 25yr marriage on their anniversary.

Suddenly Henry breaks down and begins sobbing uncontrollably. Shocked to see her husband showing such emotion she tries to console him.

"Talk to me Sweetheart. What's wrong?"

"Well, remember that day your Pa caught us in the barn having sex?"

"Oh my yes!"

"Remember what h...

A young engaged couple were very much lookimg forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fif...

A man named Tenison March was filmed exiting the bureau of births, deaths and marriages.

Footage shows that seconds later, another man named “Samsung Galaxy-9 Jr” (formerly Allen Frank) was seen throwing wild punches at March.

March, an ex-Green Beret, was able to fend off the attack until police arrived on the scene to make an arrest.

Galaxy-9 has been charged with batter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know it's a sin to have sex before marriage?

Except if you do it doggy style...as all dogs go to heaven.

A guy asks his girlfriend's dad for her hand in marriage

A guy asks his girlfriend's dad for her hand in marriage.
The dad says why do you want my daughter's hand.
The guy says it's because he is tired of using his own.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 30 years of marriage, I'm tells my envious friends that I still get sex almost every day..

Friends: no way!

Me: yup! Almost on a Monday.. almost on a Tuesday.. almost on a Wednesday.. almost on a Thursday, almost on a Friday, almost on a Saturday and almost on a Sunday!

Marriage counselor: What’s the problem? Me: My wife needs help. Every night, she’s roaming from one bar to another. She has to stop it. Marriage counselor: Is she an alcoholic?

Me: No, she’s looking for me

Marriage is a lot like PLASTIC BAGS…

They help hold a lot of trash together.

Source: my brother during a round of joke boat on jackbox party pack 6

After six long years of marriage, I've realised my wife is a ninja.

I've never seen her coming.

The Proposal - A young man wanted to propose marriage to his girlfriend. Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn’t think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, “I think we should get married!”

“Wait,” his girlfriend said, taken aback, “are you serious?”

“I think I am,” he said.

“You’re proposing to me here on the couch?” she asked.

“Yes, I guess I am,” he said

“That’s not much of a proposal,” the girlfriend said. “I think you can do better.”

“I thought s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went to a marriage counselor yesterday.

The counselor said,” Let’s start this session on a positive note with things you have in common. Who wants to go first?”
I said,” I will.“

Counselor ask, “Ok name something you two have in common.”

I said , “Neither one of us SUCK Dick”

Obi Wan Kenobi decides he wants a change of pace so decides to put his skills into becoming a marriage councillor.

One day a familiar face pops in, Luke Skywalker. Luke sits down an immediately bursts into tears as his new wife is absolutely awful. For three hours Luke talks, almost non stop, about all the horrible things she does to him - putting green milk in his cereal, signing him up to the Jar-Jar fanclub, ...

Marriage is like a deck of cards...

At the start you need a heart and a diamond. At the end you need a club and a spade.

Marriage involves 3 rings.

The first is the engagement ring.

The second is the wedding ring.

The last one? The suffering

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marriage is like a fart

If you force it, it’s shit.

Before our marriage when my wife told me that she’s a cat person, I should have realized that...

..... for the rest of my life she’s gonna sit on the other side of the bed & ignore me all day.

What do Marriage and a Tornado have in common?

First there is a lot of sucking and blowing and then you lose your house

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"

The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.

9 months later, they had twins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

Will you marry me is a marriage proposal

But

Will. You. Mary. Me. is a foursome proposal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do you think they call it a successful marriage?

It’s full of sucks and sex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a conference a sex therapist was discussing his book Sex in a Marriage

The therapist asked the audience “how many couples have sex daily” about 20% of the audience raised their hands

then he asked “how many couples have sex weekly”about 30% raised their hands

then he asked “how many couples have sex monthly” the remaining audience raised their hands
...

What do marriage officiants say when pronouncing a marriage?

By ^(vested in me)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.

Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”

The man instantly stiffens up and look...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sixty-year-old couple was celebrating forty years of marriage...

A sixty-year-old couple was celebrating forty years of marriage when a fairy godmother appeared and told them that she granted each one a wish. The wife immediately and enthusiastically said that she would like to take a trip around the world with her husband. In her hands came plane tickets and boo...

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”...

Did you know that cultures with arranged marriages typically serve melon at the wedding feast?

Yep. It symbolizes the fact that they cantelope.

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.

Einstein: Tell me what you need, I'm here to help.

Wife: I just need two things right now, some space and time.

Einstein: Ok, so what's the second thing?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

Teaching is a lot like a bad marriage.

You never get your needs met, but you stay in it for the kids.

Women are lean at marriage, making it easier to carry them across treshold.

Then we get heavier so men can't get us out of the house. xD

A man goes to a marriage agency to see about finding a wife...

The agency man (AM) who works there greets him and starts to ask him the usual questions to get to know him. Name, age, that kind of thing. He also asks him -

AM - "So, you have been married before?"

"Twice" the man responds.

AM - "Ah ok. I see. So what happened to your previous...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. Establishing Good Clear Communication is the Key to a Happy Marriage.

At his wedding reception the groom's uncle (who's had more than a few drinks) pulls the groom aside.

"My boy in this day & age I have pass along to you the benefit of my experience.
You know it's best to establish clear communication with your new wife. Cause once the honeymoon period ...

A British man and an Indian man were talking about arranged marriage.

English man: How could you marry a woman
before knowing her?


Indian man: How could you marry a woman
AFTER knowing her?

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

A young son and his dad were talking about marriage.

The boy said, "When I grow up, I'm going to marry Grandma." The father replied, "You can't marry her, she's my mother.
The boy replied, "So? You married mine."

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time. Her father is a heart surgeon. At one point in the evening, the father pulls the man aside and says, "There is something you should know about Saanvi before you wed. I am her doctor as well as her fa...

A man with a large growth on his nose is in a failing marriage.

He comes home from the doctor, and his wife asks how it went.

The husband replies "Wonderful! I've lost two inches from my waist, my blood pressure is in a healthy range, and I no longer have any problems with my posture."

The wife looks perplexed.

"In fact" the husband conti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

What is the secret to a good marriage?

A bad memory.

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me, “You have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?”

I said, “Can’t say that I do.”

My therapist said, “Yes, that’s the main one.”

I recently got married. It was a love marriage

My parents really loved her parents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3....

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

*Principal:* What is 3+3?

*Boy:* 6.

*Pri...

My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever since my wife and I took up dancing classes, our marriage has been so much better.

She goes to class on Friday, and I go on Saturday

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

“Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

I’ve asked my wife for an open marriage and she agreed

We’re getting a divorce.

What do you call a Russian marriage?

Soviet Union.

Marriage

**Before Marriage**

Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.

Girl: You want me to leave?

Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of course. Lots!

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: No! Why are you asking me?

Gi...

What does it mean when a man reaches out to hold your hand after 50 years of marriage?

He's just doing a pulse check.

Why is Bill Gates's wife unhappy in her marriage?

Because he has a Microsoft

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

Marriage is about accepting each other’s flaws. For example, if I fart, my wife calls me disgusting and hits me.

If my wife farts, she calls me disgusting and hits me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

What do you call an arranged marriage between two apathetic communists?

The so be it union.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

I took my Wife to a marriage counsellor

She said she was sick of my Star Wars jokes.
I told the counsellor
Divorce is strong with this one.

Marriage counselor

My mate Dave and his flat chested wife went to see a marriage counselor yesterday.

The counsellor asked them, "What seems to be the problem?" he said, "Well, Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

A concerned friend asks a guy why he just endures his marriage with an abusive spouse.

He just shrugged it off and says, "beats me."

A husband had grown tired of his marriage but couldn't think of a proper way to tell his wife.

One day, while his wife was at work, he came up with an idea. That evening, when the wife returned home, the husband greeted her and said, "Honey, i think i might be schizophrenic." Confused, the wife asked, "Well how do you know?" To which the husband replied, "Well, honey, I'm seeing other people....

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

Why did Jeff Bezos get divorced?

Because he realized marriage is a Union

Keeping it hot after 50 years of marriage.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. 

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man: honey, I'm so glad I waited until marriage to have sex with you

Man: sex is way more exciting when I'm cheating on my wife

My grandfather always told me "A marriage completes a man....

After that he is finished."

A couple had been married for 50 years. The man had a large cardboard box under the bed.

His wife had noticed this box but never thought much of it. One day, however, curiosity got the better of her, and she opened it. She found 2 empty beer cans and a bag with some dollar bills and coins.

That night, she asked her husband what this was about.

"Well," he replied. "If y...

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are 3 phases of sex in a marriage.

1. First 5 years - House sex (Anytime / Anywhere)
2. 5 to 15 years - Bedroom sex (only in the bedroom)
3. 15 years plus - Hallway sex (You walk past your partner in the hallway and say ‘Fuck you’)

A Newly-Wed couple is in their hotel room, ready to consummate the marriage...

... the groom sits on the edge of the bed and takes off his socks. His new bride looks at his feet and says, "Woah! What in the world happened to your feet!?"

"Oh that.. when I was young I contracted toelio!" he replies.

"Toelio!?" she exclaims, "you mean POLio right?"

"Nope, ...

Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.

It was her grandmother.

Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?

Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.

Wife: what is it?

Grandmother: Love

After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at ...

Marriage counselor

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsel...

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

Divorced after 45 years.

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't ...

My stupid parents and their stupid great marriage.

Ruined my standup career.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife who was a bit of a nag died suddenly after 25 years Of marriage. . .

On the day of the funeral the pall bearers were carrying the coffin followed by the grieving husband. They were leaving the church after the service when one of them slipped a bit knocking the coffin into the corner of a wall and jarring it rather suddenly. A moment after they did so, they began to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the biggest obstacle of sex after 50 years of marriage?

Depends

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

‟It is simple” billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age”

‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensati...

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

Are you still Dating?

Before marriage you are Dating,

After marriage, you are Acommo-Dating!

Happy Valentines Day!

Was I a good husband?

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Like a baby

A newlywed couple who have decided to wait until marriage, are getting undressed together for the first time. Before they get started, the man says, "I don't want you to be surprised - my dick... It's like a baby". The woman's face turns serious for a second as she thinks about it, and then she smil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

After two years of a marriage...

Mother in law: it is time for you guys become 3 from 2

Daughter in law: I know, I have been asking your son to try a threesome but he refuses....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife experiencing a crisis in their relationship have their first session with the marriage counselor.

He wants to start the therapy with something encouraging and motivating, so he asks them: "Tell me one aspect of your personalities that is common for you."

The husband replies with disappointed voice: "None of us gives blowjobs."

Why are Unhappy Marriages like the Police

They crush the life out of you.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.

Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

I have a storybook marriage.

Lots of stories have witches.

Billionaire's Party

A billionaire built a large pool for his man eating shark. At parties he would tell guests, “If anyone can swim the length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.”

No one ever took the billionaire up on the...

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided...

Mark was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage

as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young girl was about to get married.

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl a...

Like I always say. Marriage is grand.

Divorce is a hundred-grand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand the opposition to same sex marriage.

Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.