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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?

In the beginning there is lots of sucking and blowing, and in the end you still loose your house

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Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.

His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”

He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to s...

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

I’ve become a millionaire shortly after marriage!

I used to be a billionaire before getting married.

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If you think about it, every marriage is a same sex marriage...

You get married and its the same sex every single time...

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After 20 years of marriage...

My wife and I were fooling around and she finally discovered that spot on my body that puts me over the edge!

My penis.

Marriage is grand!

But a divorce is 10 grand

Marriage is like borrowing money

12 months with no interest

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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

You know what the 3 rings of marriage are?

The engagement ring.
The wedding ring.
And the suffering.

Marriage is like a game of poker

At first you have two hearts and a diamond
By the end all you want is a club and spade

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Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having sex before marriage. He said, “God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn’t have sex with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?”

The other minister thinks and then says, “I don’t think so, what was her maiden name?”

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

walmart marriage chapel

Walmart was going to put in a marriage chapel. After thinking about it they decided not to because they already had a problem with returns

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Therapist: It seems like you have acute marriage phobia. Do you know the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say that I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife.

I swam for the surface instead

The two pianists had a good marriage...

...They always were in a chord.

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

There is an argument taking place between a son and father regarding marriage.

Father: "So,you will only marry your girlfriend and no other girl ?"

Son: "Yes."

Father:"What does she have in her that the others don't ?"

Son: "Your grandchild."

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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the wife, “What's the problem?”

She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well not exactly; it’s her that suffers, not me.”

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A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

Marriage problems

We were headed to dinner. We were waiting in the train station and I left to go to the bathroom and when I came back I must have gotten on the southbound train and she, thinking I was done, got on the northbound train. When she found out, she was furious! She said it’s things like this that drive us...

A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage.

A friend of the couple asked, “How is that even possible?” Husband replied, “Well, we went to a Ranch for our honeymoon. While horseback riding, my wife’s horse jumped and my wife fell off. She got up patted the horse and said, ‘This is your first time.’ After a while it happened again and she said,...

My wife and I's marriage is built upon love and understanding.

She doesn't love me, and i don't understand her.

It was foreseeable that Jeff Bezos would destroy his marriage

After all, marriage is a sort of union.

Secret to Marriage

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woma...

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3 Stages Of Sex in Marriage

Stage 1 - Honeymoon Sex - you have just gotten married and you two have sex constantly.

Stage 2 - Birthday Sex - you have been married a while and now only have sex on Holidays and Special Occasions.

Stage 3 - Hallway Sex - after a long time being married when you two pass each other...

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After 20 years of marriage.. I like to boast my wife still give me sex almost every day..

Almost on a Monday..

Almost on a Tuesday...

Almost on a Wednesday..

Almost on a Thursday..

Almost on a Friday...

Almost on a Saturday..

And damn almost on a Sunday..

How to sustain a long marriage

Have two romatic dinners every week.

You can do a lot of things on a romatic dinner, like drinking wine, dancing, watching TV etc.

My wife goes on Monday and Wednesday, I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

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I can only cum on my girlfriend’s stomach

My parents told me to ab-stain until marriage.

Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those who are inside are desperate to come out.

5 years ago, i asked my crush out and today i asked her for marriage

Yeah... Both time she said NOO!!

My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will...

Bob looked at his wife Mary and said ”I can’t believe today makes 2 happy years of marriage”

Mary: Bob, we have been married for 15 years...

Bob: I SAID HAPPY

Judge: why did you kill your wife after 30 years of marriage?

Defendant: procrastination.

Marriage is a give and take relationship.

I give her money and I take out the trash.

Today, I celebrated 25 years of marriage to my wife.

At dinner, she asked, "25 years is really something. What do you think?"

I say, "I'm just thinking, if I had killed you when I had the chance, I'd just now be getting out of prison on parole..."

Me and my wife know the secret to a happy Marriage...

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant.

She goes Mondays I go Fridays.

Our marriage councilor said I need to show my wife more appreciation for the things she does.

So this morning I slipped her a twenty and said “this is for last night”.

I don’t understand.

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I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage

Zero fucks were given.

Secret of a successful marriage!

An old man married for 52 years was asked by his neighbor about the secret for his successful marriage.

The old man stated that on the night of his marriage, he and his newly wed bride had decided that if one of them ever got angry with the other, they would settle the issue peacefully.
...

In their 5th marriage anniversary the guy took his wife to china

when he came back his friend asked him "what did you do for the anniversary?"

"I took her to china", the man said.

his friend: "wow, that was only for your 5th anniversary, I wonder what you gonna do for your 50th one?"

he replied: "I'm gonna go get her back".

Marriage is all about making compromises.

For example, my wife wanted to paint our house blue and I wanted to paint our house red.

So as a compromise, we decided to paint our house blue.

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

A man (37) and his wife (19) go to a restaurant to celebrate their marriage.

They received some disapproving glances at first. Later, the people started calling the husband “pedo”, “pervert” and “sick” and shamed the couple for the age difference.


Completely ruined their 10th anniversary.

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A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

My marriage is like Drivers Ed

Where my wife is in the driving seat and I am in the passenger seat with a training wheel which does not really do anything.

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The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.



I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"



Healthy Marriage reminds me of Cheap Electronics

Battery’s not included

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S&M after 20 years of marriage

she sleeps while you masturbate

What is marriage really like?

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothe...

A wife told her husband that he put football before their marriage.

“That’s not true,” he said. “After all, this is our fourth season together.”

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Fish marriage aid

What does a pair of married fish use to help their ailing sex life?



a "gill-do"

Happy marriage

One day a young man asks his grandfather, "How have you and Grandma had successful marriage?"

The old man replies "When we first got married we made a very important agreement. As the man, I would handle all of the big important decisions. Then she would handle all the smaller less importan...

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I HATE these same sex marriage laws...

It has been way too damn repetitive after I got married. I really wanna just wanna try new things in bed.

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I’m all for same-sex marriage ...

having the same sex would be much better than a no-sex marriage

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Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

What did the melon say to the lemon’s marriage proposal?

I cantaloupe

My wife and I decided that in our marriage, I would make all of the big decisions, and she would make all of the little ones.

Married 30 years. No big decisions yet.

What was Adam and Eve’s biggest problem during their marriage?

They could never agree on who wore the plants in the family.

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After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. <...

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A Husband has become well-known for how well his marriage is going..

It had been almost 50 years, and not a single fight, nor disagreement had ever occurred between the two. One day, a friend finally confronted him to share his secret of success.

"Well, my friend.. it all goes back to our beautiful wedding. After the ceremony, we promised to ride horses into t...

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairytale

Fair enough I left her in the forest with a loaf of bread

There are a lot of pro's and con's to marriage

On the one hand, you get to wear this cool ring.

But on the other hand, you don't....

Why did the guy ask for his girlfriend's hand in marriage?

He was tired of using his own.

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What's The Difference Between Marriage And Prison

In prison you can have sex.

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What do you call the ban on same sex marriage?

Rainbow Sex Seize

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

A guy talks with his friend about his marriage.

Guy: "It's getting bad these days, my wife spends her evenings going around the bars of the city."

Friend: "Is she an alcoholic?"

Guy: “No, she's looking for me."

Marriage is like a deck of cards

In the beginning it's hearts and diamonds, later it's clubs and spades.

On arranged marriage

An American sitting in a bar with an Indian...
American guy: how can you guys marry women before knowing them?
Indian guy : how can you marry after knowing them?

He proposed marriage, because she promised she will make him try different positions

Now he is a husband, a driver, a cook, a gardener and a plumber.

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.

“Congratulations Harry,” his boss said. “I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for 22 years, and I’m sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”

“B...

Marriage

A couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "One of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"


The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like -- a plumber?"


A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "The car...

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A young couple who saved themselves for marriage were about to tie the knot

The night before their nuptials, the bride confided in her maid of honor about her concerns.

"I lied and told him I was a virgin, and now I am afraid he'll find out!"

"Don't worry," her friend told her. "This is what you do: go to the butcher and get him to slice you a nice thin piece...

Jeff Bezos divorced his wife after 25 years of marriage...

I guess she's past her prime.

A man's life is incomplete until marriage.

Then he's finished.

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

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The marriage counsellor asked me and my wife: "Describe your sex life in three words."

I said, "Depends who with..."

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After 25 years of marriage, my wife and I have only oral sex....

...We shout, "Fuck you!" as we pass each other in the hall.

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A man is at work on the day of his marriage anniversary...

However, on the same day, his incredibly hot secretary confesses her feelings and offers to have sex with him.

Because he had been stressed over work, the man takes her up on her offer, and the two make love at a nearby hotel room. They went at it so hard to the point that neither realized i...

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After 20 years of marriage, I've now become bi-sexual...

I get sex twice a year...

Marriage Question

So if a person from Holland and a person from the Philippines got married, would their babies be called Hollapiños?

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

What's the difference between War and Marriage?

One is a destructive conflict, where men can lose their children, their home, and nearly everything they possess.



The other is War.

After 50 years of marriage. The wife let her husband to open the mysterious chest.

A couple was married for 50 years. And from the first day of their marriage the wife put a chest in their bedroom. It was a tough chest, impossible to open. 50 years the husband tried to open it, but nothing worked. The wife didn't tell him what was in there either. So at the 50th anniversary of the...

Why didn't Luke Skywalker's marriages ever last?

He wanted to follow Obi-Wan's advice: "Use divorce, Luke"

Trump says he believes in traditional marriages

He has had 3 of them so far

In my experience, what's the key to a successful marriage?

Whiskey.

My son asked what marriage was like.

I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

My wife and I started visiting a marriage counselor

He mentioned that I should start to treat her like our first date
So I took her to dinner, a movie, then dropped her off at her parents house.

A month after marriage, I was afraid my wife would kill me

A year after marriage, I was afraid she wouldn't.

A man before marriage, is a dude.

A man after marriage, is subdued.

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