Hubby Jokes - 51 Hilarious Hubby Jokes

To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

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Hubby Went Fishing

Hubby told wifey,"going fishing early tomorrow morning." and she said,"Calling for rain." and he said,"No biggie,water won't bother me. I'm going,rain or shine." So,4:00 a.m. he hooks up his boat and just as he leaves the driveway,big storm hit. Rain,hail,high winds,so he backed his boattrailer back...

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

My Hubby

Every time my hubby sees a Fire Exit he has to go and stand by it. I think he suffers from premature evacuation!!!

My Hubby

My hubby said to me, "you remind me of a pepper pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

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Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic .

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific life?

Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

Dad, I lost my key

Daisy called her dad, "Dad, I lost my key of the front door, I'm in front of the house and cannot enter it, can you help?"

Dad, "OK, did you call your hubby?"

Daisy, "I didn't, but he texted me back said he's in a meeting and cannot come back in a few hours."

Dad, "So, do ...

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A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

Looking for hubby at The Pearly Gates

Mary Smith, a devout lady, passes and is transported toward heaven. She asks St Peter if he can re-unite her with her husband for eternity? Sure, that's what we do here. What is his name?
Smith. First name? John. Mary, we have a lot of those. Do you remember his last words, that's how we file peo...

Wife says to her hubby “what do you want for dinner”?

The hubby says “what's my choices?”

The wife says Yes or No.

A Strange Undertaking

A lady was at the funeral parlor to see how they had prepared her deceased husband for the viewing.

She complained to the director that her husband was dressed in a black suit. Her brother in law had dropped off the black one and she said that her husband hated that suit and he preferred a l...

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Raid

I read this joke somewhere a while ago and remembered it today while talking to my hubby:
If the cockroaches survived nuclear bomb so what’s the hell is in Raid ?!

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A wife treats hubby by taking him to a for his birthday...

At The Club, Ths Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?" the wife asks, "How does he know you? Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
Jim says to his Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You...

Old lady says to his hubby...

"My are as hot today as they was 50 years ago" Hubby replies,"Oughtta be. One's in your coffee the other's in your porridge."

It makes my day when my hubby says those three special words:

"You were right."

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The Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and...

Wife walks into the kitchen and sees hubby stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing ?" she asked

"Hunting flies." he responded

"ohhh .... killing any ?" she asked

"yep ... 3 males and 2 females." he replied

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell ?"

He responded "3 were on a beer can ... and 2 were on the phone."

A woman was walking down the street

when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homele...

Last week, hubby wanted to spice things up a little, and suggested we play doctors and nurses.....

.... so I strapped him to a trolley, put him in the hallway, and ignored him for 48 hours.

I have a headache

Hubby:brings Wifey Tylenol .
Wifey: what's this for? .
Hubby: your headache .
Wifey: I don't have a headache .
Hubby: awesome! Lets fu*k.

Wife did some shopping and returned home

Wife came home with 9 cases of beer, 8 wine bottles, 10 whisky bottles and 2 bread packets.

Hubby : Are we expecting guests ?

Wife : No

Hubby : Then why did you buy so much bread ?

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A couple were laying in bed one night.

The husband was a bit bored so he suggested a farting competition. His wife agreed. So they flipped a coin and the Hubby goes first.

He lifts his legs and lets rip. A strong 5 second Bwaaaaaaap.

His wife has a go and manages 7 seconds. Not to be outdone the Hubby tries hard and le...

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channel

A husband and wife were in bed watching tv. The husband had the remote in hand switching back and forth between the and fishing channels. The wife got pissed off grabbed the remote and kept it on the channel and said to hubby.. "Leave it on the channel you already know how to fish."

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

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Redneck Wedding

After the ceremony the new couple arrive at their honeymoon suite at the Motel 6 and the new bride says ‘you will be careful won’t you?’

The young hubby is a bit confused and asks ‘Why?’

She explains that she is still a virgin

He throws his stuff back into his suitcase and storm...

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Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less .?

Her: Yes sh...

Video

Did a video of my hubby playing the piano with his toes... Great footage...

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Translated Indian joke: Don't speak while you're eating.

Husband & Wife dining in a hotel:

Hubby: I wanna tell you something.

Wife: It's not good manners to talk while eating.
.
(After Eating)
Wife: Now tell me.

Hubby: There was a cockroach in your Biryani !!!

Moral:
Listen to your Husband once in a while

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Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed?

Hubby: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Wife: What trick?
Hubby: The one where you and go to sleep!

On Aging

Me: I can't find my glasses.

Hubby: Do you want me to call them?

Confusing

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who t...

Wife:- I am Going out for 2 hours. Do u want anything?

Hubby:- No, that's enough.

Loyalty Test...

Wife buys 12 underwears of same color for hubby..🔻

Hubby- Why same color sweetheart. people will think I never change my underwear.
Wife- Which people

Total silence...

Bachelor shopping

A man, enjoying bachelorhood while his wife was away visiting her parents, lived like a typical bachelor, living on whatever was in the pantry.

Cauliflower in the fridge? Fry them with the eggs found there and that's lunch and dinner. Don't want to cook? Open up the cans of soup in the pantry...

Wife: "Get me a coat hanger, I don't want the baby anymore."

Hubby: "Are you crazy? It's too late for that! May I remind you our child has already been *born*?"

Wife: "It's not too late to let it play with the wall socket."

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Changes in the life

John darling, I think we should make some changes to our life. What do you think?

Wow honey, I'm all for it!

James, you can get out of the closet now, the hubby doesn't mind...

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Old but still craven

Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says e...

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito will stop sucking when you smack it.

*Heard this from my hubby last night.

A man and his wife attend the wedding of a mutual friend.

The ceremony is beautiful. The man and his wife are both struck with nostalgia and joy as they sit and remember their own wedding day. They hold hands throughout the ceremony, moved nearly to tears. Then, at the end of the ceremony, the new couple even walk out to the same song the husband and wife ...

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When the wife tries....

A wife bought herself some crotchless to be for her hubby.....

She opens her legs and says, "Do you want some of this?"

He says, "Hell no!!! Look what it did to your underwear!"

A postman and his wife are expecting their first child.

The big day comes, and it's a healthy baby girl. The new parents are overjoyed, but it's a lot of work. Dad helps out in every way he can; changing diapers, keeping the house clean, prepping and cooking meals (always being sure to make something ahead for if Mom gets hungry when he's not home), etc....

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A man is driving down the highway when he is pulled over by the cops

The cop goes up to the window and asks a question.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No Officer."

"Ah, well you're being pulled over because of your exemplary driving! You just won 1,000 dollars! What are you planning to do?"

"I'm gonna finally get my license!"
...

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'' and 'Love' ....;)

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words '' and 'love.'

The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spirit...

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An older lady complained to her bridge club

about the lack of in her marriage. Another of the ladies suggested she try yoga claiming her husband got hot and bothered when she got out her yoga clothes. After a few sessions she thought she was ready and while hubby was in the bathroom she started to get into a lotus position but unfortunate...

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The Royal we.

Queen Elizabeth and princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go look for help, and while he's gone some ruffians come across the disabled royalty.
"Ain't you the queen?"
She confirms she is.
"Where's your tiara?"...

Older couple

An older couple is spending time up in the bedroom before turning in for the night. Hubby's reading the paper while his wife is checking herself out in the mirror. Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" and "Awww!"
Finally, the husband can't concentrate and puts the paper down.<...

Animal smugglers

A man wants to smuggle a snake and a skunk through customs. The wife says to her husband "how are we going to get them through?'. Hubby replies "I'll tie the snake around my waist and you shove the skunk up your skirt". "But what about the smell?" she says to which he responds "Well if it dies, it d...

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A woman home alone gets a knock on the door at midday...

She opens the door to a man who says "Do you have a ?"
Outraged she slams the door.
The next day, again around noon there is a knock on the door. The same man is there and asks again "Do you have a ?"
"Pervert" she utters as she slams the door again.
Later that day she tells ...

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Woman takes a lover home....

Woman takes a lover home whilst hubby is at work. Her 9yr old son comes home unexpectedly sees them and hides in the closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet not realizing her sons also in the closet. Boy says 'Dark in here'
The Man says ' Yes it is'...

A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.

Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected
my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband,
His wife replied
Hey hubby...

Man and wife visit the super bull farm.

They are shown round the prize bulls. The manager shows them a great strapping beast.. this one is our gold medal bull he mates without fail every three days. The wife is impressed and nudges hubby.. nodding approvingly.
They move on and next the manager shows them the double gold medal bull. H...

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