UPJOKE
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Happy Monsoon!

A lady was having an affair.
One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
BF: It's raining out there!'

Lady: 'If my hubby catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of t...

Confusing

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who t...

Wife did some shopping and returned home

Wife came home with 9 cases of beer, 8 wine bottles, 10 whisky bottles and 2 bread packets.

Hubby : Are we expecting guests ?

Wife : No

Hubby : Then why did you buy so much bread ?

Bachelor shopping

A man, enjoying bachelorhood while his wife was away visiting her parents, lived like a typical bachelor, living on whatever was in the pantry.

Cauliflower in the fridge? Fry them with the eggs found there and that's lunch and dinner. Don't want to cook? Open up the cans of soup in the pantry...

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

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Hubby Went Fishing

Hubby told wifey,"going fishing early tomorrow morning." and she said,"Calling for rain." and he said,"No biggie,water won't bother me. I'm going,rain or shine." So,4:00 a.m. he hooks up his boat and just as he leaves the driveway,big storm hit. Rain,hail,high winds,so he backed his boattrailer back...

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

I have a headache

Hubby:brings Wifey Tylenol .
Wifey: what's this for? .
Hubby: your headache .
Wifey: I don't have a headache .
Hubby: awesome! Lets fu*k.

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A man walks into a sex shop to purchase a small see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife th...

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Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?

Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

My Hubby

Every time my hubby sees a Fire Exit he has to go and stand by it. I think he suffers from premature evacuation!!!

My Hubby

My hubby said to me, "you remind me of a pepper pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Wife says to her hubby “what do you want for dinner”?

The hubby says “what's my choices?”

The wife says Yes or No.

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A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...

At The Club, Ths Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?" the wife asks, "How does he know you? Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
Jim says to his Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You...

Last week, hubby wanted to spice things up a little, and suggested we play doctors and nurses.....

.... so I strapped him to a trolley, put him in the hallway, and ignored him for 48 hours.

It makes my day when my hubby says those three special words:

"You were right."

Looking for hubby at The Pearly Gates

Mary Smith, a devout lady, passes and is transported toward heaven. She asks St Peter if he can re-unite her with her husband for eternity? Sure, that's what we do here. What is his name?
Smith. First name? John. Mary, we have a lot of those. Do you remember his last words, that's how we file peo...

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Sex is about division, not multiplication

So a long-married 60yo couple get a divorce and revenge remarry 20 year olds.

They bump into each other a year later. After an awkward exchange, the wife says.
'Well, at least I am better off than you.'.
'What do you mean', the ex hubby asked? ' I married a smoking hot 20yo and the sex ...

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This woman wanted to have some rejuvenation surgery after her years of child birthing, so she decided to get a vaginoplasty.

When she awakens from surgery, she sees three vases on her bedside table with flowers in them. The nurse walks into the room, and the woman asks “Hey, who are these flowers from?” The nurse looks at her and says “Well, one is from the doctor, he just wanted to thank you for shaving and cleaning up e...

Wife walks into the kitchen and sees hubby stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing ?" she asked

"Hunting flies." he responded

"ohhh .... killing any ?" she asked

"yep ... 3 males and 2 females." he replied

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell ?"

He responded "3 were on a beer can ... and 2 were on the phone."

A man and his wife attend the wedding of a mutual friend.

The ceremony is beautiful. The man and his wife are both struck with nostalgia and joy as they sit and remember their own wedding day. They hold hands throughout the ceremony, moved nearly to tears. Then, at the end of the ceremony, the new couple even walk out to the same song the husband and wife ...

Old lady says to his hubby...

"My nipples are as hot today as they was 50 years ago" Hubby replies,"Oughtta be. One's in your coffee the other's in your porridge."

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Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!<...

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Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less panties.?

Her: Yes sh...

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The newlywed couple were a bit shy, so they called having sex ‘doing the laundry’

One night the husband says he’d like to do some laundry. The wife says she’s tired and declines. Husband leaves the bed. She starts feeling guilty, so when hubby comes back she says she’s ready to do some laundry’. He says:

Don’t worry. It was a small load so I did it by hand.

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A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

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A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

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A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

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Old but still craven

Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sex though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sex whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says e...

A woman was walking down the street

when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homele...

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Redneck Wedding

After the ceremony the new couple arrive at their honeymoon suite at the Motel 6 and the new bride says ‘you will be careful won’t you?’

The young hubby is a bit confused and asks ‘Why?’

She explains that she is still a virgin

He throws his stuff back into his suitcase and storm...

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A man goes to visit his wife who is in a coma.

One of the nurses pulls him aside and tells him that she's heard that occasionally oral sex will cause the person in a coma to wake up. The stimulation could literally jar the person awake. With a sly wink she leaves the hubby alone with his wife. A few minutes later alarm bells are ringing and he's...

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porn channel

A husband and wife were in bed watching tv. The husband had the remote in hand switching back and forth between the porn and fishing channels. The wife got pissed off grabbed the remote and kept it on the porn channel and said to hubby.. "Leave it on the porn channel you already know how to fish."

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A couple were laying in bed one night.

The husband was a bit bored so he suggested a farting competition. His wife agreed. So they flipped a coin and the Hubby goes first.

He lifts his legs and lets rip. A strong 5 second Bwaaaaaaap.

His wife has a go and manages 7 seconds. Not to be outdone the Hubby tries hard and le...

Video

Did a video of my hubby playing the piano with his toes... Great footage...

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Young couple codewords

The bashfull newlyweds decided to talk about "laundry" when one was interested in sex. A Year later, when the new was off, the Husband asked "do you want to help me do the laundry tonight?"
Wife: "No, I am too tired".
The next night: "I have a headache". Next
On the following night: "I jus...

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A married couple are totally broke so...

they discuss ways to make some money. The woman is a real knockout and tells her hubby that while she is not happy about it she can make money with her body. They man is worried but agrees and they decide to visit the local bar. He tells her to stand out front and ask the guys as they leave, and not...

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A woman was in a coma.

Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the...

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

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The Duck Hunter

So this duck hunter finally talked his wife into going hunting with him. They were to leave very early the next day, so they prepared everything the night before. The alarm clock was set for 3am, and hubby was gonna get up first and make sure everything was ready.

He got up to check on stuff,...

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Woman takes a lover home....

Woman takes a lover home whilst hubby is at work. Her 9yr old son comes home unexpectedly sees them and hides in the closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet not realizing her sons also in the closet. Boy says 'Dark in here'
The Man says ' Yes it is'...

A postman and his wife are expecting their first child.

The big day comes, and it's a healthy baby girl. The new parents are overjoyed, but it's a lot of work. Dad helps out in every way he can; changing diapers, keeping the house clean, prepping and cooking meals (always being sure to make something ahead for if Mom gets hungry when he's not home), etc....

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Blind man in a Hotel...

Manager - Menu Sir ??

Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur kitchen spoon, I'll smell it & order.

Manager got a spoon
Blind man smelt & said "Yes, I'll have garlic bread with seasoned potatoes...

"Unbelievable" said the manager...

Every week he came & was corre...

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The Royal we.

Queen Elizabeth and princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go look for help, and while he's gone some ruffians come across the disabled royalty.
"Ain't you the queen?"
She confirms she is.
"Where's your tiara?"...

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In money trouble, the couple finally agrees she will prostitute for a while. She is out all night the first night and has only $20.25 in the morning.

When hubby asks who only gave her 25 cents, she replied - All of them!

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Power of Space Bar button

Hubby to his wife
'where are you going?'
Wife: 'the rapist'

Where's the fire.....

A firefighter’s wife suspects the hubby is getting some on the side. Being non confrontational , she plays it close to the chest. One day she goes through the hubby’s car and discovers a packet of unused condoms.

With a knowing smile, she soaks ‘em in jalapeño for an hour before putting the...

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A newlywed couple was getting ready for bed on their wedding night.

Being the old-fashioned types, this was their first night together. The bride is in bed, all dressed in her fancy negligee, watching her new hubby get undressed with anticipation. He takes off his shirt, then sits down on the bed and takes off his socks, and his toes are all gnarled, small and twist...

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A man is driving down the highway when he is pulled over by the cops

The cop goes up to the window and asks a question.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No Officer."

"Ah, well you're being pulled over because of your exemplary driving! You just won 1,000 dollars! What are you planning to do?"

"I'm gonna finally get my license!"
...

Wife:- I am Going out for 2 hours. Do u want anything?

Hubby:- No, that's enough.

Wife: "Get me a coat hanger, I don't want the baby anymore."

Hubby: "Are you crazy? It's too late for that! May I remind you our child has already been *born*?"

Wife: "It's not too late to let it play with the wall socket."

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A woman home alone gets a knock on the door at midday...

She opens the door to a man who says "Do you have a vagina?"
Outraged she slams the door.
The next day, again around noon there is a knock on the door. The same man is there and asks again "Do you have a vagina?"
"Pervert" she utters as she slams the door again.
Later that day she tells ...

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When the wife tries....

A wife bought herself some crotchless panties to be sexy for her hubby.....

She opens her legs and says, "Do you want some of this?"

He says, "Hell no!!! Look what it did to your underwear!"

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito will stop sucking when you smack it.

*Heard this from my hubby last night.

Older couple

An older couple is spending time up in the bedroom before turning in for the night. Hubby's reading the paper while his wife is checking herself out in the mirror. Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" and "Awww!"
Finally, the husband can't concentrate and puts the paper down.<...

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'Sex' and 'Love' ....;)

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spirit...

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Translated Indian joke: Don't speak while you're eating.

Husband & Wife dining in a hotel:

Hubby: I wanna tell you something.

Wife: It's not good manners to talk while eating.
.
(After Eating)
Wife: Now tell me.

Hubby: There was a cockroach in your Biryani !!!

Moral:
Listen to your Husband once in a while

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NSFW Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed?

Hubby: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Wife: What trick?
Hubby: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!

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An older lady complained to her bridge club

about the lack of sex in her marriage. Another of the ladies suggested she try yoga claiming her husband got hot and bothered when she got out her yoga clothes. After a few sessions she thought she was ready and while hubby was in the bathroom she started to get into a lotus position but unfortunate...

A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.

Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected
my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband,
His wife replied
Hey hubby...

Man and wife visit the super bull farm.

They are shown round the prize bulls. The manager shows them a great strapping beast.. this one is our gold medal bull he mates without fail every three days. The wife is impressed and nudges hubby.. nodding approvingly.
They move on and next the manager shows them the double gold medal bull. H...

Animal smugglers

A man wants to smuggle a snake and a skunk through customs. The wife says to her husband "how are we going to get them through?'. Hubby replies "I'll tie the snake around my waist and you shove the skunk up your skirt". "But what about the smell?" she says to which he responds "Well if it dies, it d...

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A married couple haven't had sex in a long while...

... One night hubby comes home drunk.

"Woman! Get undressed!"

"Oh, boy" the woman thinks as she's undressing as quickly as possible "tonight's my lucky night!"

"Come in the hallway!" shouts the man.

The woman rushes to the hallway thinking "Ooo, stand up sex, my favourite...

Loyalty Test...

Wife buys 12 underwears of same color for hubby..🔻

Hubby- Why same color sweetheart. people will think I never change my underwear.
Wife- Which people

Total silence...

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