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Man Jokes

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What is the difference between iron man and aluminium man ?

Iron man stops the bad guys, aluminium man just foils their plans.

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

A young boy asks an old man how he got to be so old

The old man tells the boy "Oh it's an old cowboy trick! Every morning I put a spoonful of gunpowder on my oatmeal!" So the young boy starts doing it and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 106. He left behind 3 children, 8 grandchildren, 4 great-grandchildren and a 30 foot hole in the wall o...

A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

What do you call it when a sixty year old man suddenly starts reading the Bible?

Cramming for finals.

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A man walks into a brothel

A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”

The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”

The man states “great! I have a 12 i...

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.


She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

(A joke I wrote myself) A Russian man walks through the streets of Moscow.

As he passes by the headquarters of a major company, he notices a poor man in decrepit clothes standing by the building, seemingly waiting for something, looking at the sky. "Another poor crazy weirdo", he thinks. He keeps on walking.

The next day, he passes near another company's HQ, and see...

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What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

Soviet joke: A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day…

If you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?

Matt.

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

What’s the difference between a snow-man and a snow-woman?

Snowballs.

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

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a man gets on a crowded hotel elevator

In doing so he accidently elbows a woman in the breast. He pauses and whispers "Ma'am I apologize but if your heart is soft as your breast you'll forgive me" She responds "Of course you are forgiven, and if your dick get's as firm as your elbow, I'm in room 1145"

A man walks into an Arab.

He says: “Sorry, I’m dyslexic”.

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A man got fired from his job

A man got fired from his packaging job at a produce factory. Comes home and wife asksed how it happened.
He: I was feeling hot, so I stuck my dick into the pickle slicer.
She: Oh no! Is your dick ok?
He: Yeah, my dick is fine. They fired me for some workplace ethics rule.
She: And what a...

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A man walks into a hotel lobby with his family and whispers to the front desk clerk, "make sure the porn in my room is disabled". To which the clerk replies:

We only have regular porn you sick fuck!

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

A man with his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you s...

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been divo...

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

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A man tries to clean his fake eye by licking it, but accidentally swallows it. He goes to the doctor in utter constipation seeking help.

The doctor tells the patient to bend over and cough, and promptly faints.

When he comes to, the nurse asks him what happened. "|'ve looked at quite a few arseholes in my practice" said the doctor, "first time ever an arsehole looked back!".

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One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

A man goes into a drug store and asked to buy condoms the salesperson ask how many he needs

The man says I've been seeing this girl for a while and I am having dinner with her parents tonight and then we're going out and I think I'm going to get lucky I'll need 12.
that night the man is at dinner with his gf and her family and he asks if he can do the blessing.
after his prayer ...

A man comes up to the drive thru window, and the attendant greets him:

Attendant: Welcome, how may I help you today?

Customer: I'd like a burger and a vanilla ice cream cone

Attendant: Sorry, the ice cream machine is broken again today, and we don't know how long it'll be down, so we don't have any ice cream today.

Customer: How about fries and ic...

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used ...

A man visits the bee shop

And says to the shopkeeper:
"I'd like 12 bees please"

The shopkeeper says:
"That's no problem. That'll be €10."

The two exchange the money for the bag of bees. The man checks the bag and says to the shopkeeper:
"Hey, there's 13 bees in this bag?"

The shopkeeper replies:...

One night a man is driving down and old country road.

He comes across what looks like a Catholic mission in the middle of nowhere. On an old hand-written sign he sees "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution".


He's been on a bit of a dry spell so he thinks, "What the hell, I gotta see this!"


He pulls over and knocks on the door. A ...

I,too, once was a man trapped in a woman's body

Then I was born

A man walks into a store to buy deodorant

The clerk asks: "Would you like the ball deodorant?"

"No thanks, it's for my armpits."

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"

The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

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What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

A man killed his wife when he discovered her in bed with another man

When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."

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A man is on a business trip in Paris and gets lonely..

He decides to call down to the hotel lobby to see if they can arrange him an escort. Within minutes there is a knock on the door and he opens it to see a stunningly beautiful woman wearing a short tight dress. "Monsieur, what are you interested in tonight?" He thinks for a second and says "honestly,...

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A man and his wife are having trouble with their sex life

So the man goes to the new sex toy shop, walks up to the counter and explains his situation.

The clerk says “I’ve got just the thing for you, it’s called magic penis” and retrieves it from the shelf behind him.

Man: how does it work?
Clerk: I’ll show you… “magic penis, counter!” ...

A man is trying to sell his dog to a neighbor...

"You can have this dog for only five dollars, and he can actually talk." says the man. His neighbor says, "That's ridiculous, everyone knows dogs can't speak."

The dog looks up at the neighbor with big, sad, doggy eyes and says, "Oh please, kind sir, buy me so I won't have to live with my cru...

A man working a 9-5 office job starts feeling worthless and decides to make a career change into the adult film industry

He starts off with vanilla stuff and builds up his self-esteem. He then decides to go for the more fetishized stuff and gets cast making incest films as the role of step-dad.

He wakes up one day and realizes how happy he's become since he started coming into his own.

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge ...

My wife was just in a minor accident. She's told the police that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking a Coke at the time

But they keep going on about how he can do what he wants in his own living room.

A man walks into a library and asks where he can find books on paranoia.

The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"

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Do you know why Ms. Pac-man is considered the greatest prostitute of all time?

Because for 25 cents she'll eat balls until she dies!

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

An American man wins a $1 billion sweepstakes

He goes to collect the prize and there's a whole tv crew waiting to interview him for the local news. The reporter says "this is the largest prize won in history! Any idea what you'll do with the money?" The man thinks for a second and says "Well, I'll probably see a doctor to get this sore throat l...

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

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Did you hear about the man arrested for sexual relations with a sheep?

He's no longer on the lam.

I saw a man chased by a dog.

They were running around a big fountain. I told the man to hurry up because the dog is very close.

The man replied confidently: "Don't worry, I'm 2 laps ahead"

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

A drunk man hails a taxi. When the cab pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, "Have you got room here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?" "Sure." replies the driver.

"Fantastic!" and throws up on the passenger seat.

A man is drowning

A man is drowning. A helicopter arrives with a dangling rope, but he waves it away, shouting,
; "I am waiting for God
to save me!" After several minutes, a man on a raft appears.


Again the drowning man waves the rescuer away, explaining that he is waiting for God. When another boat ...

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed tha...

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A man died of Viagra overdose...

His favorite movie always had been "Die Hard".

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An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!" *Hangs up

A Jewish man is stranded on an island for 20 years

He is finally rescued by a team, and he insists on showing them the life he’s built for himself there. They come across a small clearing with a bunch of makeshift buildings.

He points to the closest one, “That’s my home.” He continues to point to the other buildings as they walk by.

“T...

A man in my town fell out of the third floor of a nightclub yesterday.

Unfortunately he wasn’t a bouncer.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

Why are women called a "widow" when their spouse dies, but a man is called "widower"?

Do men have to be better at everything?

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

A man is washing his car with his son

Says the son: Dad, wouldn't it be better if you use a sponge next time?

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A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

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A Man walks into a Bar...

He heads straight for the Bartender and asks

Man: "If I show you a good trick, will you give me a free drink"

Now the bartender has had a good night so far and made a good profit, so he agrees.

The Man reaches into one of the pockets on his jacket and pulls out a tiny piano, r...

I like to think I’m a pretty good man. I give over 50% of my paycheck to Charity.

But when she’s not working I give it to Destiny.

An elderly man goes to the doctor.

He says, "Doctor, I'm having a problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me, since they're always silent and odorless. Matter of fact, I've farted 10 times just waiting for you."

The Doctor says, "Take these pills every day for a wee, and then come back and see me."

A week later...

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

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After ten long years, a widow finds herself in bed with a new man

After ten long years, a widow finds herself in bed with a new man. He kisses her.

"Only Reggie used to kiss me," she mumbles.

He grabs her breast.

"Only Reggie used to fondle me," she stammers.

He inserts himself inside her.

"Only Reggie used to penetrate me," she ...

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A drunk man with a sheep under his arm walks into his bedroom

Where his wife is in bed. He says "this is the pig I have sex with when I'm not with you"
His wife hardly looks up and says "you daft twat, that's a sheep"
"I know," says the man, "I was talking to the sheep..."

Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice for hours?

Because the label said: "concentrate".

A man sees a life-sized rat statue in an old junk store.

And he isn't sure why, but he finds the rat statue very interesting and decides to buy it. Afterwards he's walking down the street holding the statue under his arm when he looks behind and sees two rats following him. A few minutes later there are more. Soon there are dozens or even hundreds of rats...

A man decided to sail his boat from England to Russia

He starts his journey and everything is going great. That is, until he's passing Germany's northern coast. His ship begins taking on water and, in a panic, he radios the German Coast Guard.
"Help!" He says through the radio.
"Vat is it?" The German Coast Guard replies.
"I'm sinking!" The m...

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bar…

…and apologizes to the lingerie model.

(Pretty sure it’s original)

How do you surprise a blind man?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.

I once met a man who claimed to be a mushroom

He's was a bit simple but a really fungi

A man is having a few beers in a bar

and finally decides to call it a night. He calls the bartender over to settle his bill and the bartender says, "I'll cut your tab in half if you give that guy over there a ride home. He can't drive but he lives near here and you'd be doing me a big favor." The man says sure, no problem and gets the ...

A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp...

A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp on the ground. Instinctively, he picks the lamp up, rubs the side of it with his sleeve, and out pops a genie. The genie thanks the man for freeing him, and offers to grant him three wishes. The man is ecstatic and knows exactly what he w...

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A beautiful woman sat next to a man on a plane. After some small talk, the woman admitted that she was getting treatment for sex addiction. "I am doing great, my only remaining issue is I can't resist cowboys and Italian men. By the way, I never caught your name."

"My name is Big Tex Marconi, great to meet you."

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

A man went to the dentist to schedule getting a tooth pulled.

"I don't have a lot of money." he confessed. "Is there any way we could make the procedure cheaper?"


"I suppose for a small discount," thought the dentist, "We could reuse some of our disposable tools. It may slightly increase your risk of infection, but, theoretically, you should be fi...

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

"A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat."

"The librarian says, 'It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not!'"

A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie.

Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.

The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home....

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An elderly man and his wife buy an RV to hit the road and see the world.

They stop at a gas station and the friendly attendant strikes up a conversation. He asks where they’re headed. The wife is hard of hearing so she asks what the man said and her husband tells her. Then the guy asks how far they’re planning to go. The wife again asks her husband what the man said and ...

A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.

A widowed man enters a nursing home. Lonely, he meets a lady and invites her to sit with him in the courtyard and hold hands.

Wheelchairs side by side, night after night, their affection blossoms to the point she lays her hand on his crotch. This happens like clockwork, every night.
One night, she wheels herself to the courtyard. To her horror, he is sitting next to another woman's wheelchair.
In tears, she whee...

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

A man ran into the station and asked me, “Excuse me sir, but is the train running on time?”

Me: No. it’s running on electricity.

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime

Edit: Thank you kind Redditor for the Gold

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An old man is caught checking out a lady

Lady: (disgusted) You're a grown-ass man

Oldster: Correction. I'm a grown ass-man

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An Asian man goes to rent a car, and the clerk sees the man's name is Herschel Leibowitz

The clerk asks him how an Asian man like himself got the name Herschel Leibowitz. He responds in a heavy accent "When I was going through immigration, we were in a line in the area where we give our names. The name of the man in front of me was Herschel Leibowitz. When they call for me to ask me ...

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A man goes to a priest to confess.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned" says the man.

“What did you sin, my son?" the priest asks him.

“Well, my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s for dinner, we had dinner, then as soon as we were going to go home, the weather, father, it was getting cloudy and it looked like it ...

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed...

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires,...

What's a world famous, four-man rock group that doesn't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore.

A man took his big dog to the vets for a check up. The vet checked the dog over, then picked him up, and said “yep, he’s got a cyst on his bum. I’m going to have to put him down”. The guy looked shell shocked “you’re putting him down because of a cyst!?”

“Err, no” said the vet “he’s really heavy”

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

What do you call a cave man’s fart?

A blast from the past.

A man walks into a bar

and orders three beers every single Friday night, and drinks a sip from each one consecutively until they're finished.
One time the barman goes to him and said, 'why do you always order three beers?'
The man explains, 'me and my two brothers used to have beer at exactly the same time together ...

A man walked into a magic forest and tried to cut down a talking tree

“You can’t cut me down,” the tree complained. “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responded, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

A man from Baden, an Alsatian and a Swiss are talking about where the little children come from.

The Alsatian says: "The stork brings them here. There is a stork's nest on almost every house roof. The man from Baden thinks again. "Here they do it in the hospital". The Swiss is a little embarrassed. "I don't know exactly, but it definitely varies from canton to canton".

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Man 1: Tell me the shortest sentence you can think of.

Man 2: Why?

Edit: Fuck

Edit 2: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

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A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

At the border, a man drives up on his bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

Customs officer: "Do you have something to declare?"

Man: "No."

Customs officer: "And what do you have in the sack?"

Man: "Sand."

During the check it turns out: actually sand.

Every day for a whole week the man comes with the bike and the sack on the luggage rack. ...

A wise man once said

“Suck my tongue”

A man walked into a bar … and stayed there my entire childhood

Yes I’m recycling myself. But I’m in therapy now :)

A Jewish man walks into a bar in Germany

He sits down and orders a beer. The bar is quiet today and the bartender is kind of bored, so he starts a conversation with this man. They talk for some time until they come across a topic of religion. “Yeah, I’m Jewish”, says the man. The bartender is in shock: “I’m terribly sorry for holocaust, oh...

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

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A man went to a community garden…

…one full of fresh fruits. Just before he left he saw some plums and took one. A worker saw him and said “You’re not allowed to take any of the fruit here, it’s clear in the rules, as punishment for trying stealing this plum, I’ll shove it up your ass.” The man started laughing and the worker asked ...

A man says casually to his wife, "I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every woman on our street, except for one."

The wife sniffs and says, "I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12."

A very old man goes to the doctor complaining about his ear

"I think there's wax in one my ears, I barely can hear with it" he says
"Which ear is it?" Says the doctor
"2021" replies the old man

A man with terminal cancer asked his wife if she had ever been unfaithful

She said she had been three times, so he asked when. The first time was when they first bought a house and they needed money so she slept with a rich person.

He understood since they needed the money to get by. The second time was when he wanted to start his business so she slept with another...

A man walks into a bakery, points to some bread and asks...

Man: 'Is this Gluten free?'

Cashier: No.

It costs $4.50

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Did you hear about the Japanese man who faked his death?

His wife didn’t bereave him.

A man was driving down the road when an officer stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the officer said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled ...

At the airport today a man fainted and slumped over onto the luggage carousel.

He slowly came around.

An elderly Chinese man is on his deathbed. To his three sons he produces a small bundle of chopsticks… “My sons…” he murmurs, “these chopsticks…”

“I know, father!” says the eldest son. “These chopsticks are like your children, right?” The father shakes his head. “These chopsticks…” he tries again.

“I know, father!” says the middle son. “When we are united, we are unbreakable, right?” He begins with flex the bundle and true enough they...

A man comes to see a urologist...

"When is your earliest urination in the day and how regular is it"? - the doctor asks him.


"Every day, at exactly 8:00, I urinate" - the man responds.

"That's good. How about defecation? Any obstruction"?


"Every day, at exactly 8:10, I defecate, without any obstructions ...

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A man walks into a confessional booth...

A man walks into a confessional booth and says "Father Forgive me for I have sinned."

The Priest: What is your sin my child?

The Man: Three days ago my mother-in-law was helping me move some stuff around and it started to rain so she stayed the night there. We slept together.

Th...

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.

The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. “We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years,” he exclaims with pride!

“We’ll, that’s very impressive,” replies the Jewish man, “but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!”

The Chinese man, after some c...

On the highway, a driver saw a man holding a rabbit for sale.

He stopped, opened the window and asked: "How much is the donkey?"

The guy said: "It's a rabbit, not a donkey!"

The driver replied: "You shut up, I'm talking to the rabbit not to you."

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

Woman asks an old man rocking on his porch...

“What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And poof! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And poof! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"Ok now ...

A wise man once told his wife…

Absolutely nothing! Because he was a wise man…

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A TV crew went to interview the oldest man living in a small village

"Can you tell us what was the happiest moment you can remember?"

"That was when Mary Jones got lost on the hills over there. We organized a search party and when we found her we were so happy that we had a special celebration, everybody got drunk and all the men in the village fucked Mary Jon...

A man finds himself in a jungle surrounded by cannibals…

Seeing no possible way to escape, he says to himself, “Oh God, I’m screwed!”

Suddenly a light shines down from the heavens upon the man and he hears the voice of God, and God says, “No my son. You’re not screwed. You see the rock on the ground next to you? The pointy one? Take it and throw i...

When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.

Now that I listen to whole albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

A blind man walks into a bar...

And a table... and chairs... and people

What do you call a man with 15 rabbits up his bum?

Warren.

A man goes on a quest to find the oldest joke over made...

A man becomes obsessed with finding the oldest joke in history. He travels to archeological sites around the world and finally discovers a stone tablet that he believes contains the ancient joke. The only problem is that the joke is written in an unknown language. Determined to translate it, he ...

Classic woman meets a man . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, w...

A man calls his mother and starts the conversation with "Ma, I don't want you to worry but I'm calling from the hospital"

The mother responds, "It wasn't funny the first time you started working there and it's not funny now!"

A man with dementia walks into a bar

He spots a pretty lady, sits next to her and asks, "So, do I come here often?"

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A man goes to a bank every wednesday to deposit hundreds of thousands

He comes in with a big bag of money, every wednesday and deposits large amounts of money. The manager gets suspicious after a while and when the next wednesday comes, approaches the man:

-Good morning and welcome sir, you must be one the richest customers of our bank. We are thankful for choo...

Early Man used to wonder where the sun went at night.

Then it dawned on him.

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A man goes to the doctor…

After running tests the doctor says to the guy, "I'm sorry but I have two bits of bad news."

"The first is that you have cancer."

Guy goes "Well shit. What's the other bad news?"

Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."

Guy says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

A man goes before Saint Peter...

Saint Peter asks 'Where were you born?'
The man thinks for a moment and says 'Austria-Hungary, Lemberg.'
'Where did you go to school?'
'Poland, Lwow.'
'Where were you married?'
'The Ukrainian S.S.R., Lviv.'
Surprised, Saint Peter asks 'Where was your first child born?' ...

A man calls quantum IT support and complains that his quantum computer isn't working.

Quantum IT support: "Have you tried turning it off and on at the same time?"

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(Best read in an Irish accent) So an old man is on his porch..

A young lad is walking up the hill with a roll of chicken wire rolled up under his arm. "What ya doin wi' the chicken wire, laddie?" asks the man. "Oh sir, I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" replies the boy. The man says, "you fool, you don't catch chickens with chicken wire!" An hour later, though,...

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A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passes by and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." He replies "If you were any sort of sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself!"

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A man went to the doctor to complain about his migraines.

Man: So doc, what’s the problem?

Dr. Well, after examination we’ve found out that we would need to castrate you.

Man: (surprised) What? Why? What does that have to do with my migraines?

Dr. You see the blood vessels in your penis gets bunched up and hence it constricts blood flo...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.

A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up fro...

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A Waitress approached a Man sitting at the table.

Waitress: Are you ready to order sir?

Man: Yes.

Waitress: What about your Wife?

Man: She has popped to the bathroom.

Waitress: Do you know what she is having?

Man: Well it's been 10 minutes, so probably a shit.

Man goes to a pet store to get his wife an anniversary present.

He walks into the store, owner greets him and asks how he can help him. He glances at the pets I the store and sees birds, guinea pigs, fish and stuff.

Husband: "Today is our anniversary and I'm looking for something real special for my wife."

Owner: "Boy do I have something special fo...

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A man was asked to compare sex before and after his vasectomy

"There's not a vas deferens."

Man’s wife was celebrating her birthday

Her husband made a nice candlelight dinner. It was gorgeous. At the end of the dinner she asks for her present.

Husband all happy says I was hoping you’d ask that, go to the window.

Woman goes to the window and asks “so what am I looking at?”

Her husband points and says do yo...

An old man and his son loved to do the gardening together.

There was an old man who loved doing the gardening with his son, every week they would get together and do the gardening.

One day the dad is diagnosed with lung cancer, not got long left to live. So the son decides that to raise money to pay for treatment he starts to sell drugs. Weed meth co...

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There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Jap...

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Man goes to his psychologist about his new kink.

"Doc, lately I've been paying men to wrap their scrotum around my penis and stroke me until I climax. Would you call that crazy?"

"No," he says. "I'd call that fucking nuts."

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he sits there, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "Hey, those jeans look really great on you!"

The man looks around but sees nothing. He then returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, he hears the same voice again...

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A man goes to a doctor ..

To see about getting his penis enlarged. The doctor says “yes we can do that - there’s a new operation these days. We take the trunk of a baby elephant and graft it into your penis.”

So the man excitedly agrees and gets the operation. Six weeks later after it’s all healed he goes on a date wi...

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A man sees his urologist

His penis is all swollen and hurts. Says the Doctor “Well, how often do you sleep with your wife?”
The man answers “Well… Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday”

“M-hm” says the doctor. “But seeing how insanely swollen it is, the question comes to my mind:
Do...

A man walks into a bar

He sits down and orders a beer. The barman serves the drink and the man drinks it, taking his time.

After emptying the glass, he takes a look into his breast pocket for two seconds, and orders another beer.

He drinks this beer as well, takes another look into his breast pocket, nods, a...

A retired man named Dave took a part-time job at a small woodshop, but every morning, he was late.

Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. The owner wasn't too upset because Dave was great with customers, but one day he got curious.

"Hey Dave," the owner asked. "What did they say at your last job when you came in late all the time?"

"They said the same thing no matter what tim...

A man takes a feather out of his bag. How does he light a tiny cigarette?

He uses his bag, because it’s a little lighter!

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

A man was arrested for trying to attract crows to his garden.

He was convicted of attempted murder.

A man lay dying in his bed in the upstairs bedroom when all of a sudden...

...he could smell his favorite cookie in the whole world: chocolate chip. His mouth watering, he slowly made his way out of bed and crawled to the stairs, where he painstakingly went down step by aching step. At the bottom of the stairs he sat down to rest. After a moment, the smell of the cooki...

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

A man walks into a bar, and sees a tiny man playing a tiny piano on the bar...

The man walks up to the fellow next to the teeny piano player, and asks about him.

"What's the deal with the small piano guy?" To which he replies, "I have a magic genie, feel free to make a wish."

"Ok" he says and proceeds to wish for a million bucks.

BOOM the bar is filled w...

A man’s wife was lying in bed crying.

Her husband walks in and asks “what’s wrong?”

“I had a dream where a prince took me from you” she replies.

The husband says “Oh my dear, relax it was just a dream.”

To which the wife retorts “that’s why I’m crying!”

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A man walks into a bar.

He sees a good-looking lady sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?'
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes, and says,
"I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my
place, doesn't matter."
"No shit,· he says. "What law firm do you wo...

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An english man visits Scotland

The English man checks into his room at the inn and fancies a drink after the travel. He decides to go the pub.

At the pub he goes and sits at the bar next to an old Scot and orders a pint.

The old man looks at him and says, 'ye see that road over there? Build it with me own hands but...

The other day I saw a one hand man in a second hand store...

I went up to him and told him that I don't believe they have what you're looking for.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide but you can't run!

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Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says to the first nun, "Sister, you've lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?" The nun looks serious and answers him, "St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a...

A Mexican man applies for a job at the pentagon

A Mexican man, let's call him Carlos, applies for a job at the Pentagon. As part of the hiring process they send a couple of agents to talk to the man's friends, family and any associated to see if they can find anything that would show that he's not suitable for the job. When the agents go to talk ...

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There once lived a strong, Native American man who had only one testicle

Everyone in the village called him "One stone" because of this, but nobody dared to say it to his face because he would kill anyone who directly said it him. Unfortunately, a woman in the village named Bluebird did not know about this. One morning, while she was walking past One Stone, she greeted h...

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A Man is on vacation on the Farm....

and because the Weather is so nice he decides to Sunbath nude.

While lying there, a Bee stings him in his Penis.

It swells and hurts as Hell.

He goes to the Farmer to ask what he should do against the pain and swelling.

The Farmer tells him the best remedy is to hold his ...

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

A man sees his neighbor installing a fence

“Hey, weren’t you just installing that fence post last week?” he asks.

“Yeah, this is a repost,” the neighbor replies.

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

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A scrawny man with a funny-looking yellow dog walks into a bar.

He sits right next to a great big guy with a great big dog and orders a beer. The big guy takes one look at the funny-looking dog and bursts out laughing! The scrawny guy doesn't say anything, so he says "that's the funniest-looking dog I've ever seen!"

"yep, sure is," the scrawny guy admitte...

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As I walked into the park at 7am, I saw a man had been trapped under a fallen tree

He saw me and shouted “Get Help!”.

I replied “Fuck Off!” and took a swig from my bottle of vodka. “I can quit anytime I want!”.

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