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Lover Jokes

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great ...

A guy and his date decide to go to Lovers Lane.

It’s their third date and the guy is really excited to take things to the next level, but they’re both clearly kind of shy about it. So after they park, he asks if she wants to make out. She agrees enthusiastically, and they start kissing.

After a little bit, he pauses and says “hey, do you w...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

What’s a bukkake-lover‘s favorite fast food restaurant?

Five Guys.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, ther...

The Chili lover

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other ...

My wife entered me in a selfish lover competition.

Can’t believe I came first.

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How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are ~~German~~ American, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

Safety is a terrible lover

Safety always comes first

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage

Pregnant Italian lover

A married man who had an Italian lover for many years learned one day that she was pregnant. The two struck up a deal, in which she would return to Italy to give birth to their child and keep his identity secret in exchange for a large sum of money. In addition, the father would continue to provide ...

What did the melon farmer say to disappoint their forbidden lover?

Cantaloupe.

Lover's Lane

A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.

The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"

"I'm reading a book sir."
...

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The Italian Lover..

... a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled...

How Does a Book About Tree Lovers Start?

With a Pro-Log.

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An attractive woman is in bed with her secret lover.

She hears her husband come home unexpectedly and tells her naked lover to jump into the wardrobe and hides his clothes. The husband walks into the bedroom to find his wife reading. “Hello honey, I got off work early and went to the gym, I desperately need a shower”. He opened the wardrobe door to ge...

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me,

because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

I thought I was world's best lover

Until i found out my wife has asthma.

I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.

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The naked runner

A couple of lovers were in the midst of action in bed when suddenly they heard a noise at the door. The woman panicked and said to her lover, 'My husband, my husband is here! Jump out of the window!'

Without thinking twice, the lover jumped naked out of the window and landed in some bushes. H...

What’s an indie film lovers favourite time of day?

8:24

What do you call a dead lover?

Necromancer

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A cheating wife and her lover are in bed together

A cheating wife and her lover are in bed together one night when the woman's husband comes home early from work.

"Quick, hide under the bed" she says, panicking. No sooner had the man crawled under the bed than the husband comes walking in.

"I left early babe, couldn't wait to come h...

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Did you know Liberace was a bird lover?

He once said, “I’ve never hugged a parrot, but I’ve kissed a cockatoo!”

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Two lovers of a recently deceased woman, both named Jack, attended her funeral.

They did not know about each other, nor the woman’s apparent penchant for lovers named Jack. They both, despite their typical emotional despondency, ended up caring for this woman over their respective affairs. Upon meeting and talking, at the reception, they realized they had both been played. Both...

Wife's Lover

John's wife passed away. At the funeral, he found out hid wife was having an affair and the lover was sobbing unconsolably in the corner.

John furiously marched over to him, put his hand on the lover's shoulder and said "Don't worry, I will marry again soon".

A seafood lover walks into a bar

A seafood lover walks into a bar and grill and orders a beer. "Do you serve crabs here?" he asks the bartender. "We serve everyone," the bartender says. "Have a seat."

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

Why do doctors make lousy lovers?

Because usually they prefer to sit and wait for the swelling to go down.

Why are quantum physicists such bad lovers?

When they find the position, they can’t find the momentum. And if they do find the momentum, then they can’t find the position.

My girlfriend told me I’m her 32nd lover...

It turns out what she really meant was I’m her thirty second lover...

A woman is lying in bed with her lover

"You should leave, my husband can come back home any minute now."
"Don't worry, whenever we hear the doorbell ring I will jump out of the window."
"Are you crazy? It's 11th floor."
"Everything is arranged. I asked my friends to stretch out and hold a big canvas for me to jump on." ...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door...

“Quick, jump out the window,” she says to him... “What???, the guy says, “we’re on the 13th floor!” She says... “ just jump, this is no time to be superstitious!”

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

What taste tickles a MILF lover's taste buds?

Umami.

English lord returns home and finds his wife in bed with her lover...

... He quietly leaves the room, and calls the butler:

\- John, could you please bring me my saber.

John brings the saber. The lord takes it and enters the bedroom. A few seconds later he comes out, wiping the saber with a handkerchief, and tells the butler:

\- John, please bring...

I am an animal lover and activist.

I actively put animals on my plate and I love to eat them.

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A woman is enjoying herself with her lover and hears keys rattle in the door.

"Hurry," she said, "get into this bag and hide on the balcony. In comes another lover, they get to it and, again she hears tge ratteling of keys. "Get into the bag and hide on the balcony" she says. In comes a third lover. The same thing. Again, keys in the lock and again the lover jumps into a bag ...

A young man and his new lover go to bed together for the first time.

"Before we begin," he says, "I must confess I suffer from erectile dysfunction."

She smiles as she removes her blouse, "Don't worry darling, that is not a hard problem. We will beat it together."

What did the pirate call his non-seafaring girlfriend?

His land lover

Why was 5 a good lover?

Because he waited 4 3 2 come 1st.


_____

Follow up:

Q: "Funny. But really, how good was the 6 4 5?"
A: "Just average, but the 6 was only a 5 4 3 2."

______
 

^^^\( ^^^I ^^^made ^^^this ^^^up ^^^give ^^^me ^^^a ^^^cookie. ^^^)

My girlfriend says that she thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover,

but she hasn’t been able to catch him at it!

What did the selfish lover do?

He turned the 'ribbed for her pleasure' condom inside out.

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...

What is the best herb to give your lover?

A BAE leaf

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young lovers and the ketchup bottle

Janet asks her big brother, "My boyfriend wants a hand job, but I don't know what I'm doing. How do I do it?"

Janet's older brother says, "Just treat it like a ketchup bottle. You'll be fine."

Janet goes to her boyfriend and says, "I'm ready, I think I know what I'm doing"

And i...

Sad news for music lovers today....

Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, while they're just laying there, her phone rings.

The woman answers and has a short conversation.

When she hangs up her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having o...

A fighter pilot was arrested for attempting to set fire to his lover in bed

In court, the prosecutor asked him why on earth he would do such a thing.

The pilot met his eye and proudly declared:

"Sir, I am a highly decorated fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."

A man caught his wife in bed with her lover and killed her.

When facing the judge, the judge had to ask: "Why did you kill your wife and not her lover?"


"Well your honor, I considered it better to kill one woman, than killing a different man every week.

So, your schizophrenic lover breaks up with you with a text, it says:

"I've been seeing someone..."

Why don't cowboys make good lovers?

Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.

The Music Lover

A man named John falls in love with a famous violinist who came to town. He goes to all of her shows and tries to see if she has a lover. At each show, she arrives with one man and leaves with another. To his surprise, he never saw her with the same man twice.

Finally, during her final nigh...

Why do piano players make great lovers.?

They get the fingering right.

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60 Second Lover

I think my girlfriend has fucked sixty one people before me.

She calls me her sixty second lover ....

What do you call a baby animal lover

A Peta-phile



worst joke 2020

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

A woman calls her lover over

A woman invites her lover over while her husband is out of the house. The lover comes over and they have their fun, but before they finish they hear someone coming up the stairs.

"Oh no," the wife says, "it's my husband! Quick, find somewhere to hide until I can get you home safely." She ru...

For the Star Wars Lovers

Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?

Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.

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A housewife is in bed with her lover...

A housewife is in bed with her lover. All of a sudden she hears her husband’s car pull up. He came home early from a business trip! In a panic she is frantically trying to think of a place to hide her lover and suddenly has an idea. She tells him to go stand in a corner of the kitchen and pretend to...

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The statue lovers

Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to ...

What does furrys and fastfood lovers have together?

They both love hot dogs

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A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover in the pub and decides to wind him up so he shouts over 'How's the second-hand pussy?'

Quick as a flash, her lover replies 'Great! After the first three inches it's like brand new'

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

A Baked Bean lover

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never...

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

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An old lady was in bed with her young lover when she suddenly hears her husband pull into the driveway..

"Quick!" she tells her lover. "Hide in this cupboard!"

So saying she pushes the naked guy in the cupboard and hastily puts on her clothes. But the cupboard is a tight fit so the guy's balls are left out hanging between the cupboard doors.

The old husband enters the house and walks into...

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I prayed to God to send me a really awesome lover...

He told me go fuck myself.

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Woman cheats on her husband

A woman is cheating on her husband and her husband comes home early. In a panic her lover hides in the closet. While hiding in the closet he hears a voice "Sure is dark in here."

The man panics and turns and finds a little boy. "What're you doing in here?"

"I like hiding, what were you...

Have you heard about Terry the tractor lover?

He was the ultimate tractor enthusiast, his bedroom was plastered with tractor posters, his bed was adorned with a tractor bed spread, tractor toys littered the floor and tractor maintenance DVDs dominated his shelves.

Shortly after Terry's 18th birthday (where he of course had a tractor bir...

Be a considerate lover

Nice guys finish last

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A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. ...

What's the difference between priest and wine lover?

Wine lover likes when its older

Billie Jean is not my lover

She just a girl who says that i am the one

But the kid is not my son.

He can stay over for the weekend though

A man had an argument with his lover in a hotel room.

He calls the receptionist and says "I had an argument with my lover. She is threatening to jump out of the window if I don't divorce my wife. You have to help me."

The receptionist replied: "Sir, that looks like a personal problem. There is nothing we can do to help you out."

"Listen ...

Pinocchio was my favorite lover

Every time he lied to me it made me feel so much better

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

What does Harley Quinn call her lover in bed?

The Choker

Montana has the best lovers

My favorite jokes about the insane amount of sheep loving that occurs in Montana from when I grew up:

1. What is the hottest selling clothing accessory in Montana? Velcro gloves. *wpsh* *wpsh* *BAaaAah*


2. Why do the mountain men always make love to the sheep on the edge of a clif...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

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A couple in bed after sex.

**Her**: My, you've got to be the worst lover in the world.

**Him**: Oh really? And how, exactly, did you figure this out in 17 seconds?

If two loaves of bread are lovers, and one stays outside too long, what do you call it?

A stalemate.

Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.

Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh....

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A woman found her lover cheating and tried to cut off his penis, but missed and hit his thigh...

she was charged with a misdeweiner.

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Why are people from Alabama such generous lovers?

Because family always cums first

"You're the greatest lover I've ever had."

"Well I practice a lot when I'm alone."

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Woman tries to cut off Lover's penis (NSFW)

But misses and cuts his thigh.....charged with a misdaweiner.

How do German pasta lovers say hello?

Gluten Tag

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A lover of the orchestra

A woman is in a hospital, with some teeth missing and a swollen lip. Her friend comes to visit.

“Oh my god, what happened?”

“One of the guys I hooked up with from the orchestra.”

“That’s terrible, I’m so sorry. Was it the trumpet player? I always thought he was a dick.”

...

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A statue of two naked lovers has been in a park for 100 years.

God sees them and touched by their love sends down an Angel. The Angel waves his hand and the statues become alive. The angel says." God has granted you 30 minutes of life to do with what you will."

The two immediately run into the bushes where there is rustling and laughter. Fifteen minutes ...

A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.

"Honey, do you want a beer?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.

The husband looks...

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