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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor bo...

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

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A married man tells his wife...

A married man tells his wife, "Honey, after all these years, I still love seeing your ass."

She smiles and asks, "is it because I've kept my girlish figure?"

He responds, "No, because it means you are walking away."

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

So last night I had to do every married man's worst nightmare, defrost the fridge.

Or as she likes to call it, foreplay.

A married man invites his ex-girlfriend over for the night when his wife is out of town

Unfortunately, the security guard of his apartment building saw him with her.
He handed the security guard a crisp $50 and says: "Don't tell the missus about this."
To this the guard replies: "Man your wife pays a minimum of $100 evey time for this kinda stuff"

Married man has an affair

A married man who had an Italian love affair for many months learned one day that she was pregnant. The two struck up a deal, in which she would return to Italy to give birth to their child and keep his identity secret in exchange for a large sum of money. In addition, the father would continue to p...

Any married man should forget his mistakes

there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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What's the difference between a single man and a married man.

Ones spends his nights alone watching porn, being miserable.


And the other one's single.

Jeffrey Dahmer walks into a bar, sees a married man and thought..

Let me get this *straight*.

A married man dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the pearly gates, he's greeted by Saint Peter who explains the rules. "Heaven is a very big place so everyone who enters is assigned a vehicle", he says. "The status of your vehicle corresponds with how faithful you were in your marriage." Since our hero only cheated on his wife o...

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

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As a married man it’s hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

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A married man is out looking for some “company”

While driving late at night he spots a prostitute down a dark alley. Not caring what she looks like he tells her to get in and he drives down the dark alley to get his freak on. After things get hot and heavy a cop pulls up and turns on his brights.

He walks up to the car, knocks on the wind...

Married man goes out whoring. Time gets away from him and at 2 am, he realizes his wife will be angry, so

he calls her on the phone and when she answers he yells: Darling, don't pay the ransom, I got away!

She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man...

Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.

I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed.

Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

A married man man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp a few times and a genie comes out and says “You are my new master and I’m a genie with a twist so whatever you wish your wife gets two of!”

The man says “I wish for a mansion!” The genie says “Okay, but your wife gets two!”

He wishes for a million dollars, and his wife...

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A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner.

A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and
decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell
her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."

After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex
for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hick...

A recently-married man is serving in the Navy.

He is on a ship near an island a long way from home, and he knows he will be there a long time. He sends a letter to his wife saying that there are lots of young and beautiful girls on the island. Could she send him something to distract him from them? She sends him an accordion with a note saying "...

What do a married man and a single man have in common?

Each of them thinks the other one bangs all the time:D

Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

Just before getting married man went to the astrologer

Man: I am getting married can you please predict my future

Astrologer: First 2 years of your marriage will be like hell

Man: Ok, but what will happen after 2 years

Astrologer: After 2 years you will get used to it

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A married man suffering from stuttering consulted a famous doctor

The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.

After a few weeks he comes back t...

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I would have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

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As a married man, the only time I get a piece of ass....

...is when my finger pokes through the toilet paper

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Married man here, just got a prescription for 9 Viagra...

Or as I like to call it, a lifetime supply.

A married man goes to a motel with his lover

And all of a sudden finds his father-in-law's car in the parking lot. In an attempt to prank him, he keys the car all around. After that, he goes with his lover and stays a few hours at the motel. Later, he payes a visit to his father-in-law as a surprise, and finds him very upset.

-What's wr...

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Married man picks up a girl at the bar

Married man picks up a lady at the bar, riding his motorcycle to her house he hits a cow. Police show up and the lady has a broken leg. He gets home and the wife heard it all on the police scanner and ask him what the hell was the lady doing? Husband said I dont know what that drunk bitch was doing ...

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A married man farts all the time...

And in one of his particulary explosive bouts of wind, his long suffering wife says the following. "One day you'll fart so hard you'll fart your guts right out!!"

With that, he just pays his wife's words with no heed and goes about his business.

A few days later, after the previous nig...

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A married man gets a little drunker than he'd meant to...

A married man is sitting at a bar and gets a little drunker than he'd meant to. He ends up spilling on his shirt, making a huge stain.

"This is terrible," he says to the bartender. "My wife's gonna see this and then she'll know I got way too drunk."

"Not to worry," says the bartender....

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A married man thinks about death

One lazy morning a married couple were enjoying a cup of coffee when he said to her what had been on his mind. "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would event...

A married man found a chest with 20k and 3 pieces of corn

Man: honey, I just found a chest with some interesting items inside

Woman: what is it?

Man: well there is 20,000 dollars inside and 3 pieces of corn

Woman: well that is my cheating chest, every time that I have cheated on you I put a piece of corn

The man thinks to h...

I accidentally subscribed to the "married man" edition of Playboy.

It's got the same centerfold every month.

Why is the sperm of a bachelor more valuable than the sperm of a married man?

It's usually hand made.

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A Married Man Walks into a Brothel..... NSFW

A man gets dropped off by his wife at a brothel, and when he walks in he asks for the biggest black woman that madam has available.

The Madam proceeds to offer the man his pick of any young, gorgeous, and skinny women. But he insists on a large black woman.

The madam eventually sends ...

What did the married man call his side chick?

Bae B

It's not true that a married man will live longer than a single man

It just seems longer

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A married man on a business trip walks into a brothel.

He walks up to the cashier, puts 500 dollars on the counter and says "I want your worst looking girl and a cold ham and cheese." Shocked, the woman behind the counter says "but sir, for this much you could have one of our best girls and our most expensive dish!" The man nods his head, "I know", he s...

The Married Man's Best Friend Test

A married man decides to find out who really is his best friend, his wife or his dog. he takes both of them and locks them in the trunk of his car. after an hour he opens the trunk.

Which one is happy to see him?

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An unhappily married man goes to a pet store looking for some companionship.

The store owner says, "You should buy this toothless hamster."
The man says, "I don't think so. It looks gross."
The store owner says, "Ya, but it gives great head."
So the man takes the hamster home, and when he gets there his wife says, "Ewww, what is that ugly thing?"
He says, "Don't ...

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Christian man said to his married friend that he is saving himself so he can have all the sex he can when he is married

Married man : "lol"

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A married couple and a single man are stranded on an island

After a few weeks the single man is getting very horny. The married woman one day whispers to him, "I'd love to help you out but my husband wouldn't stand for it, and as you know, it's a tiny island with only one tree." The single man says, "It's ok. I'll think of something." Every day they take...

What did the shirt say to the pants?

What up britches!





(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married ma...

An old joke my grandpa made

Imagine a married man goes into his attic, and find a genie lamp

A genie pops out and says, “I’ll give you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double”

The man says, “I’ll have a new car”
He gets a new car and the wife gets double

The man says, “I’ll have a mansion”
He gets a mans...

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A man comes home from work

He talks to his wife and says: "Honey I got you some headache pills".

She replies: "That is kind of you, but i do not have a headache".

He smiles and says: "Perfect, then lets go have sex"

- A married man

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Frank and John go hunting, as per usual on their sunday afternoon

John is blind, so Frank is always there to help him aim his rifle. As they're walking on the woods, Frank spots a deer:

F - (whispering) Oh, I spot a deer!

J - Nice, tell me where to aim.

F - You're basically facing him. Raise your rifle, perfect, now aim a little bit to your ri...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

The hangover man woke up in the morning with a big headache.

He barely opened his eyes and looked around, straightening up.
A glass of water and two aspirin stands on the nightstand. Her clothes were clean and ironed on the chair at the foot of the bed.
While drinking the aspirin, the note on the bedside table caught his attention;
"My darling, good ...

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This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone.

Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 buck...

A man went in for an interview...

A man went in for an interview for a job as a sales man. The interview went quite well, but the trouble was that he kept winking.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we are looking for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers off."...

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