UPJOKE
husbandspousewifemalehubbymarriagemonogamybigamybenedickbenedictcuckoldmatepartnerpolygamyhousehold

Married Man Jokes

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..

"I had an affair with a woman... almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your pe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a single man and a married man.

Ones spends his nights alone watching porn, being miserable.


And the other one's single.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple and a single man are stranded on an island

After a few weeks the single man is getting very horny. The married woman one day whispers to him, "I'd love to help you out but my husband wouldn't stand for it, and as you know, it's a tiny island with only one tree." The single man says, "It's ok. I'll think of something." Every day they take...

A married man man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp a few times and a genie comes out and says “You are my new master and I’m a genie with a twist so whatever you wish your wife gets two of!”

The man says “I wish for a mansion!” The genie says “Okay, but your wife gets two!”

He wishes for a million dollars, and his wife...

I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

A married man approaches a woman in the supermarket

A married man approaches a woman in the supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife in the aisles... Do you mind if we talk for a while?"

She asks him, "Wouldn't it be better to look for her than to talk to me?"

And the married man answers her: "But it won't be necessary... every time I t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man's penis is like his car

He can park it wherever he wants, but there may be a price to pay later.

She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man...

Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man tells his wife...

A married man tells his wife, "Honey, after all these years, I still love seeing your ass."

She smiles and asks, "is it because I've kept my girlish figure?"

He responds, "No, because it means you are walking away."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man is out looking for some “company”

While driving late at night he spots a prostitute down a dark alley. Not caring what she looks like he tells her to get in and he drives down the dark alley to get his freak on. After things get hot and heavy a cop pulls up and turns on his brights.

He walks up to the car, knocks on the wind...

A newly married man had to work interstate for a week

He didn’t want his new bride to miss out whilst he was away, so be bought her a vibrator.

After a couple of days, he asked her if she was enjoying the new toy.

She told him that it was ok, but the only problem was that it knocked two of her teeth out.

Every married man thinks hes married a nymphomaniac before he was married

Then after a few years the nympho disappears and just leaves the maniac

If a married man graduates from the University his first time,

is he still given a **bachelor's** degree?

Married man has an affair

A married man who had an Italian love affair for many months learned one day that she was pregnant. The two struck up a deal, in which she would return to Italy to give birth to their child and keep his identity secret in exchange for a large sum of money. In addition, the father would continue to p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

What do a married man and a single man have in common?

Each of them thinks the other one bangs all the time:D

Any married man should forget his mistakes

there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner.

A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and
decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell
her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."

After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex
for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hick...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man suffering from stuttering consulted a famous doctor

The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.

After a few weeks he comes back t...

A married man dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the pearly gates, he's greeted by Saint Peter who explains the rules. "Heaven is a very big place so everyone who enters is assigned a vehicle", he says. "The status of your vehicle corresponds with how faithful you were in your marriage." Since our hero only cheated on his wife o...

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon.

Instead of going home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, His wife really got on his case and stayed on it.


After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an ...

A married man invites his ex-girlfriend over for the night when his wife is out of town

Unfortunately, the security guard of his apartment building saw him with her.
He handed the security guard a crisp $50 and says: "Don't tell the missus about this."
To this the guard replies: "Man your wife pays a minimum of $100 evey time for this kinda stuff"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man farts all the time...

And in one of his particulary explosive bouts of wind, his long suffering wife says the following. "One day you'll fart so hard you'll fart your guts right out!!"

With that, he just pays his wife's words with no heed and goes about his business.

A few days later, after the previous nig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a married man it’s hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

So last night I had to do every married man's worst nightmare, defrost the fridge.

Or as she likes to call it, foreplay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Married man here, just got a prescription for 9 Viagra...

Or as I like to call it, a lifetime supply.

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I would have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

A recently-married man is serving in the Navy.

He is on a ship near an island a long way from home, and he knows he will be there a long time. He sends a letter to his wife saying that there are lots of young and beautiful girls on the island. Could she send him something to distract him from them? She sends him an accordion with a note saying "...

I accidentally subscribed to the "married man" edition of Playboy.

It's got the same centerfold every month.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man gets a little drunker than he'd meant to...

A married man is sitting at a bar and gets a little drunker than he'd meant to. He ends up spilling on his shirt, making a huge stain.

"This is terrible," he says to the bartender. "My wife's gonna see this and then she'll know I got way too drunk."

"Not to worry," says the bartender....

Just before getting married man went to the astrologer

Man: I am getting married can you please predict my future

Astrologer: First 2 years of your marriage will be like hell

Man: Ok, but what will happen after 2 years

Astrologer: After 2 years you will get used to it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man thinks about death

One lazy morning a married couple were enjoying a cup of coffee when he said to her what had been on his mind. "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would event...

A married man goes to a motel with his lover

And all of a sudden finds his father-in-law's car in the parking lot. In an attempt to prank him, he keys the car all around. After that, he goes with his lover and stays a few hours at the motel. Later, he payes a visit to his father-in-law as a surprise, and finds him very upset.

-What's wr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Married man picks up a girl at the bar

Married man picks up a lady at the bar, riding his motorcycle to her house he hits a cow. Police show up and the lady has a broken leg. He gets home and the wife heard it all on the police scanner and ask him what the hell was the lady doing? Husband said I dont know what that drunk bitch was doing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Married Man Walks into a Brothel..... NSFW

A man gets dropped off by his wife at a brothel, and when he walks in he asks for the biggest black woman that madam has available.

The Madam proceeds to offer the man his pick of any young, gorgeous, and skinny women. But he insists on a large black woman.

The madam eventually sends ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christian man said to his married friend that he is saving himself so he can have all the sex he can when he is married

Married man : "lol"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.