I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife...

But she figured out I was only after my money!

Me: dad can i marry my grandmom

Dad: You WaNt To MaRrY mY mOm.
Me: you married my mom but u don't see me complain about it

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called ...

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There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

...

Husband: "Will you marry me after I die?"

Wife: "No I will live with my sister."



Wife: "Now will YOU marry after I die?"

Husband: "No I will also live with your sister."

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player?

For his stamina - mina - eh! eh!

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Why did the Jew marry the fat girl?

She was worth her weight in gold.

Why should u never marry a badminton player?

Because love means nothing to them !

Two years ago I asked the love of my life out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said "no" both times.

Why did the Honeydew princess stay and marry Duke Watermelon instead of running off with her true love?

She cantaloupe

Why did the girl marry the bird instead of the fruit?

Because the fruit cantaloupe, but the bird pelican.

Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry

He said: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"

I replied: "Hi leaving I'm John!"

The wedding is next month

Marry had a little lamb.......

To the tune of Marry had a Little Lamb Marry had a little lamb, chick-chick bam, no more lamb!

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I wanna marry a woman named Serious

So every time someone says "are you fucking serious?"

I can say "why yes. Yes I am."

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Why don't more guys marry ladies with big vaginas?

A girl like that is hard to come by.

How does a sheep say marry christmas in Spanish?

Fleece Navidad

In the new Star Trek Picard series, how will Picard ask Dr Crusher to marry him?

"Engage!"

Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

Will you marry me?

I guess I don't really get it, but she seemed to find it hilarious.

Two metal heads don't marry

They weld

Why did Mr. Ohm marry Ms. Ohm

Their love was electric and He couldn't Resistor.

Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the mea...

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Girls. Never marry a magician.

Every time there is something you need him to do, he disappears.

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A millionaire wants his daughter to marry...

So he decideds to host a competition for a small town nearby.
"To any man who can swim across this Piranha infested pool of water unharmed, may have my daughter's hand in marriage."
20 men line up next to the pool and stand there to scared to move. Suddenly a man jumps into the water and is sw...

If you find out someone has 10,000 bees, marry them

That’s how you know they’re a keeper

My girlfriend left me because I asked her father for his blessing to marry her.

She got so angry. She screamed at me like never before. Something about “desecrating his grave” or whatever.

Just asked a girl to marry me and she said Yes...

Though I think that her English was a bit off because she exactly said - I don’t no you.

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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys ...

What do you call an antelope that is forbidden to marry?

Cantelope.

A poor farmer who lived in a small mining town came to its mayor and asked him if his son could marry his daughter.

The mayor angry at this insolent request, asked: "Why would I ever let your miserable kid marry my princess daughter?" which the farmer promptly replied: "Because he is the new general manager of the mines". The mayor, surprised and impressed with this information, ended up accepting his daughter's ...

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess..."Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "No!" and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. THE END

"Heck yeah, I'll marry him! He drives a 400k vehicle, gets paid to travel, and is adorned by the business crowd."

Woman: So what do you do for a living?

Man: I drive a bus.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said “I bought these gifts ...

I wrote “Will you marry me?” on a balloon to propose to my online girlfriend.

But then I saw her face, and popped the question.

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant?

Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do.

Why did Einstein marry his cousin?

He wanted to test his theory of RELATIVITY

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A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

A poor man is about to marry into a rich family

The father of the bride-to-be asks the poor man: “how will you provide for my daughter?”

The poor man replies: “God will provide”

The father of the bride thinks that the poor man is at least religious and will treat his daughter well.

During the wedding practice the father of th...

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I told my mate, that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.

"July?" he asked.

"Of course I fucking did," I replied.

Mary One-lip searched her whole life for her one-lipped prince, until she found a handsome florist. But she could not marry him...

... For he had tulips.

Two Inuits marry and consummate that night.

The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.

Two muskmelons fell deeply in love. One day, the first muskmelon asked, "Honeydew, will you make me the happiest melon in the world and run away with me and get married?" The second muskmelon replied, "I love you and I will marry you, but...

... we cantaloupe."

For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who likes you, and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions, and then stick with it.

When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, “You probably will...”

Last night I asked the woman I love to marry me, exactly one year after I first asked her out

She said “no” both times

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When two women marry each other, how do they decide

which one doesn’t want to have sex any more?

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Never marry.

I heard it's so bad that even Hitler killed himself 40 hours afterwards.

I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

Ukrainian mother persuades her son to marry

M: Look at Marina. She is beautiful, intelligent, loves movies and theater.
S: I do not want her.
M: Look at Olena. She cooks well, her house is always orderly.
S: I do not want her.
M: So who do you want?
S: Mom, I love my neighbor Sergei.
(pause)
M: But he's Russ...

Little Johnny tells his dad he wants to marry his girl Suzie. His father asks, how will you support her? Johnny says Suzie gets a dollar a week allowance and so do I. What if there is a baby asks the dad.

Johnny says, well so far we've been lucky.

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Why did the Alabama man marry his third cousin?

Because the first two weren't good in bed

Why did Mrs. Banana marry Mr. Banana?

She found him appealing.

What's the best day to marry the Loch Ness Monster?

Wednessday

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

You marry it.

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Why did Luke Skywalker never marry?

Because he was busy riding Solo

Why'd the one eyed man marry the shallow girl?

He lacked depth perception.

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What is it called when you accidentally get a Japanese dignitary pregnant and have no choice but to marry her?

A shogun wedding

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A man who had a 25 inch long penis

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothin...

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A Guy with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can't live with this long penis.. God : Go to that Lake, U will find a Female Frog. Ask her to Marry u, she'll say No & U will Lose 5 inch. He Went & asked the Frog : will u Marry me? Frog : No He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long. So he asked again : will u Marry Me? Frog : No He Lost 5 inches More. He thought 15 inch is Great, But 10inches is Ideal So he asked again : will u Marry me? Frog : How many Times do I have to tell u? NO! NO! NO!

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I want to marry your daughter

A man approaches a farmer to ask to marry his daughter whom he has been dating. "Whoever marries my daughter must have a 10 inch penis" the farmer says. They measure it and it's 7 inches. The father likes the young man and says "Go out to the barn. There is a cow there. Ride her for an hour and that...

When birds get married, who do they marry?

Their tweet-hearts.

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Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

## His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a "Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit"... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Mario asks, "So, what do I do with these things, doc? The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on...

Son, marry a girl with the same belief as the family.

Dad, why should I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?

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Two competitive best friends do everything together, so they decide to marry their girlfriends on the same day.

They have a joint ceremony, joint reception, and afterwards they go on a joint honeymoon.

While staying in a beautiful hotel, the first man turns to the second and says: “I’m going to have sex with my wife for hours tonight”
The second turns back and says “Well I’m going to go until sunri...

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

A man dying of cancer asks his wife if she will re-marry...

Wife: I suppose I will

Husband: Do you think your next husband will drive my truck when I’m gone

Wife: Well, the truck is an asset to the family and helps get chores done so I think so yes.

Husband: That makes sense... what about my clothes? What will you do with them?
...

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