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2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...

One lady whispers 'I'm getting a boob job'


2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'


1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'

A German girl married a Spanish man

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana. So She took her husband to...

A woman didn't know how to speak Spanish but was married to a Spanish man and together, they resided in Spain.

Once she went to the market to buy some chicken legs. She lifted her skirt a little and pointed to her legs so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her.

Another time, she had to buy chicken breast so she pointed to her bosom so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her

Once s...

A half indian-half Irish man married a half chinese-half Italian woman

After much deliberation,they named their son

Ravi O'Lee

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to f...

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

A married couple leaves a formal event

He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.

"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt."

"Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.

They drive to an intersection. Across from them i...

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A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?"

The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."
The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"
The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."

A router and a modem got married.....

They where pronounced husbandwith and WiFi

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

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A Married Couple Terrified a Cab Driver.

They were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater, having had a break-in in the past, they turned on a nightlight and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When their cab arrived, they walked out from their front door and their rather tubby cat sc...

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor bo...

I went to the Opticians today and at the end she asked if I was married or in a relationship...

I said "yes I am, why?"

She said "Well your eyes are fine but your girlfriend needs to come in for a checkup ASAP!"

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A married man tells his wife...

A married man tells his wife, "Honey, after all these years, I still love seeing your ass."

She smiles and asks, "is it because I've kept my girlish figure?"

He responds, "No, because it means you are walking away."

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

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Fresh married couple goes to a therapist

The husband was sitting there bored and the woman was angry at him.
The therapist saw that and asks the woman:


What seems to be the problem?


She says: I don't know, doctor. Since we got married he isn't paying attention to me. He doesn't even look at me. We haven't had sex i...

Melinda announces that she is keeping her married name after the divorce, not reverting to her maiden name.

I guess that's what you call Gatekeeping

What kind of fruit will never get married?

Cantelouope

A young man has just been married....

A young couple was just married and during the reception, the groom’s grandfather pulls him aside…

“Are you ready for tonight?” he asks.

“Well, I’m a little nervous…. It’s my first time…”

“Oh! No worries! You are a Johnson! You will be great!”

The next morning, the young ...

Married life!

One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, b...

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What comes out if a married man fucks a tree?

Treason

I can see myself getting married, buying a house and having kids but

getting a tattoo? That is a real commitment.

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Before I got married I was in a store paying for groceries.

I had a quart of milk, a half dozen eggs and a TV dinner. The cashier looks at me with a smile and says “You MUST be single!”
I said “Why do you say that?”
And she said “Because your so fu$king ugly!”

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Elderly couple getting married

An elderly couple had been going out for some time and decided to get married.

Prior to the big day, the woman asks the gent "What about sex?"

He quickly responds, "Infrequently."

She ponders and then asks, "Is that one word or two?"

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystifie...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

I finally married my Korean wife whom I met in a penpal site few years ago..

She's my Seoul mate.

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned

who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap.

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock a...

Why aren't you married?

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
...

My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.

...

I also considered putting money on the derby.

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I married my wife for her big boobs and long legs...

Now she has long boobs and big legs

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'

Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'

The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'

Alan asks, 'Father,...

Moishe Cohen and his wife Sarah were married for 50 years. Then one day, sadly, Sarah passes away of natural causes...

Moishe wants to put an obituary in the newspaper and calls up the office.
“Yes, I’d like it to say just that: SARAH DIED. I thought people should know.”

The person on the phone, his heart breaks. The poor man’s wife of 50 years!...
“Mr. Cohen, I’m so, so sorry. Are you *sure* that’s al...

“You’ve been married thirty years. What your secret?”

“Togetherness. I take my wife with me everywhere I go.”

“You love her that much, eh?”

“Heck no. She’s so ugly I don’t want to kiss her goodbye.”

3 married men and 3 bachelors were going to board a train.

The bachelors all took a ticket for themselves, but the married men only took one ticket for themselves. The bachelors asked why were they taking one ticket. The men replied that they would manage. The train came, and they all board it, the bachelors sit on their respective seats, but the married me...

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

Some guy on twitter says all married people argue. If they say they don't, one of them is ruling over the other.

My wife told me to tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about.

I’ve decided I don’t want to get married or have kids

I thought my family would be supportive of my decision, but my wife and kids did not take it well

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Two married buddies are out drinking late one night...

...when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before going into the house, sneak up the s...

A teacher asked a student "If there are four birds sitting next to each other on a tree, and you shoot one, how many do you have left?"

The student replies "None." Curious, the teacher asks the student about his answer, and he explains that if you shoot one bird, it startles the other birds into flying away, so you're left with none.

The teacher replies "Not what I was looking for, but I like your answer."

The student ...

Married couple during hard financial times....

A man and his wife are having hard financial times and decide that the husband will pimp the wife out.



The man parks and waits while his wife goes around the corner to stir up business.



At the end of the night, the wife comes back to the car, and her husband asks how mu...

What did Jay Z call his wife before they got married?

Fiance

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Without telling me you’re married, tell me you’re married.

I’ll start with “I’m sorry, you’re right”

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

An old man sits down in the confessional booth at his local church

and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned”.

The priest says, “Tell me of your sins, my son.”

The old man says, “Well, Father, I’m 90 years old; I’ve been married to my wife for 70 years, and in all that time I’ve always been faithful…. But last night, I made love to two beautifu...

2 tips for a happily married life....

Keep quiet when your wife is talking.

Don't talk when your wife is quiet.

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Great joke, particularly for married people.

The director of the CIA is testing loyalty of 3 new agents, ages 25, 35, and 45.  He puts each of their wives in 1 of 3 rooms.  He hands the 25 year old a gun and says, "go into the room and kill your wife."  The 25 year old says, "I can't do it, I love her too much."  The director hands the gun to ...

What do you call a group of married rockstars?

A hus-band

An American man gets married to a British woman

Before the big night, his father tells him: "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation


And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her ...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

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A married couple are sailing with a young tour guide.

There's a sudden storm and the boat gets destroyed. Luckily, all three of them survive and manage to swim towards a small island.

Once they've caught their breath, the tour guide speaks. "Let's take turns keeping watch for any ships that come by for help. I'll climb up that palm tree and keep...

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.

The bartender was almost crushed.

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A married couple are having financial troubles.

A Married couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a prostitute.

She's not quite sure what to do... so the husband says,

"Stand in front of that Bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. If you have any questions or issues I'll b...

So last night I had to do every married man's worst nightmare, defrost the fridge.

Or as she likes to call it, foreplay.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "...

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If Woody Harrelson married James Woods, he'd be Woody Woods.

And that'd make a his schlong Woody Woods' pecker.

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A man gets married...

...but just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, thi...

A married man invites his ex-girlfriend over for the night when his wife is out of town

Unfortunately, the security guard of his apartment building saw him with her.
He handed the security guard a crisp $50 and says: "Don't tell the missus about this."
To this the guard replies: "Man your wife pays a minimum of $100 evey time for this kinda stuff"

A couple had been married for 50 years. The man had a large cardboard box under the bed.

His wife had noticed this box but never thought much of it. One day, however, curiosity got the better of her, and she opened it. She found 2 empty beer cans and a bag with some dollar bills and coins.

That night, she asked her husband what this was about.

"Well," he replied. "If y...

The Invisible Man married an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

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A young girl was about to get married.

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl a...

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A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time...

A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time. Just before, the wife looks at her vagina for the first time in years and sees that it is very large. Worried, she calls her mother. Her mother says it runs in the family, and that she should layer the inside of it wit...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agr...

Its untrue that most women want to get married.

I've asked loads and they've all said no.

Word on the street OJ Simpson is getting married again..

Sounds like he wanted to take another stab at it.

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As I get older many of my buddies are now getting married. As I am still single loads of people keep telling how my friends and friendships will change once they get married...

So far I disagree with this sentiment, I am still close friends with all of my buddies, even after they’ve been married for years and years.



But I can say without a doubt that my friends really do change as soon as they become Dads, they immediately become real motherfuckers!

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married...

wish to be dead.

OJ Simpson was being interviewed the other day. The reporter asked if he'd considered getting married again.

OJ said he had thought about taking another stab at it.

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and went to bed, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

After trying to fall asleep for a few hours, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you...

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I’ve been married for 24 years. The wife told me the older I get, the more horny that I am.

I told her that is not true. I just include her in my plans more often.

How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there’s not a single person there.

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

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A married couple has run out of money..

They decide that the only solution is that the wife turn to the oldest profession to help them make ends meet.

The husband drops her off at the street corner and tells her he'll be back to pick her up at the end of the night.

When he arrives to pick her up he asks: "So, how much did y...

Married people over 30, what's the scariest question your SO can ever ask *right now?*

"Who's _____name of your first SO______?"

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An old friend of mine married a young girl

As we’re not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had sex.

“Almost every day,” he said.

“Almost every day?!” I exclaimed.

“Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...”

Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage.

She didn’t have to hear about his mom’s cookin’ and he didn’t have to hear about all the other men she could have married.

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

A woman from Maryland who fell in love with the DJ from her first wedding day has married him five years later...

she originally asked him three years ago, but he said he wasn't taking requests just then.

If two Vietnamese get married,

It’s usually a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

My friend just married a trophy wife

Apparently she didn’t win first place

When I was first married,we were really poor, but my wife stood by me...

She had no choice. We only had 1 chair.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister ...

Where did the pizza and tennis racquet get married?

At the supreme court

A young woman moves in next door to a married couple

One day, the wife looks out of the window and sees the woman hanging her laundry to dry and it's dirty. She says to her husband, "Why is her laundry so dirty? Does she not know how to do laundry properly? Maybe she has bad laundry detergent?"

The husband doesn't say a word. Time and time aga...

If someone from Holland married a Filipino...

Would their kids be Hollapinos?

A husband and wife had been married for 14 years, and were having problems.

They both realized that they needed to see a marriage counselor. They found one that some friends said had helped them immensely. He invited them in and asked them what was going on. The husband just looked down, not knowing what to say, but the wife talked for 15 minutes straight, laying out issue ...

Why did it take John Rhys-Davies so long to get married?

Bad dates.

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhapp...

An old married couple is in church one Sunday when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turns back to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?”

So the two stri...

My long time girlfriend told me that if we ever get married she has her wedding dress picked out.

I said, that's good. I have my wedding shorts picked out too.

It’s the World Cup Final...

And a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’

‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their righ...

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An elderly couple gets married late in life.

After the wedding and the reception, they are in the ‘Honeymoon Suite’ getting ready for bed.

As they are taking their clothes off, the old woman says to her new husband, “Before we get started here, I just want you to know that I have acute angina.”

The old man says, “Well that’s go...

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

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