A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

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I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

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There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The wife's face was burned severely. The doctor suggested for a skin graft, but unfortunately, the doctor had to inform her that they couldn't use any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then offered to donate some of hi...

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the po...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

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My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

3 years ago I married my best friend..

My girlfriend was angry, but me and Dave thought it would be hilarious

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I just got married but my wife refuses to have sex with me

Something about her being on a honeymoon period?

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

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A married gynaecologist looks at his hand

"Some cunt has got my ring"

A guy and his blonde wife were happily married.

Until one day when he came home earlier from work and found her lovers car in front of his house.

Knowing what to do he storms into the house and heads to the bedroom.

When he gets to the bedroom he opens the closet and says:

"How many times do I have to say that he's supposed t...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting marri...

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Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin

Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.?

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large mammary glands, the attraction...

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Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 
One month later the three coup...

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i’m married now..

And that’s where I sleep.

My parents were just telling me "You'll never know true happiness if you don't get married."

Me: Yep You never know what you've got till it's gone.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

Did you hear that MS Paint got married?

Now it's called MRS Paint.

During my wedding speech, I told everyone who is married to stand next to the one person that has made their life worth living.

The bartender was almost trampled to death.

A married couple are out golfing.

The husband slices his tee shot into the trees. They find the ball resting behind an oak. The man is about to chip out onto the fairway when his wife, standing a few feet behind, stops him. "Honey, from here I can see the flagstick. Why not try to reach the green?" He takes a look, decid...

A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage.

A friend of the couple asked, “How is that even possible?” Husband replied, “Well, we went to a Ranch for our honeymoon. While horseback riding, my wife’s horse jumped and my wife fell off. She got up patted the horse and said, ‘This is your first time.’ After a while it happened again and she said,...

If a wedding goes off without a hitch, did anyone get married?

It's my cake day!

A married couple goes to the fair...

The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can ...

I just got married last week!

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Two Antennas Met on a Roof, Fell in Love and Got Married...

The wedding wasn't that great, but the reception was excellent.

I married Mr Take's daughter, who was fat

It was a big mistake

A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with

After the question, the woman doesn't respond.

The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?"

His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.

The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each o...

What do you call a married couple who both work in a dispensary?

A joint-income household

“Honey Dew you want to get married today?”

“No. I cantaloupe.”

Three married men are complaining about their wives.

The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man.

The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid.

They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you?

John scratches his head and says: Me? I ...

My son asked me, what's it like to be married?

So I deleted every song on his iPod except one.

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A deaf couple gets married

On the night of the honeymoon the wife signs "since we can't see what the other is signing after the lights go out, if you'd like to make love any night grab my right breast. If not, grab my left." The husband signs back "Great idea. If *you'd* like to make love any night just tug on my penis. If no...

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

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An American shoe and an Australian married shoe enter a bar....

The Australian shoes says to his friend

"I got a big favor to ask you,could you nail my soulmate, please?"

"Really? Wont you get mad?!"

"Of course not, youre my best friend"

"But...why?!"

"Its something i cant do myself since i dont feel confident enough"

"....

What fruit cant spontaneously get married?

Cantaloupe

What kind of church do two women get married in?

Lesbyterian.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first t...

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

My wife told me she had to dump her ex boyfriend to get married to me.

They haven't found the body yet.

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Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years...

Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years and things were, let's say, a little cold in the bedroom. One day while out shopping he decided to look for a little outside stimulation. He dropped his wife off at her favourite store and went across the street to the knock shop. He swagge...

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

Why can't Antonio Brown get married?

Because he has cold feet!!!

Did you hear about the two bed bugs that are getting married?

They're having a lovely wedding in the spring.

My wife recently confessed that while she still loves me, she has fallen in love with someone else as well. I want what’s best for her, so after many long talks, I said I thought they should get married as well.

I thought that was mighty bigamy.

My jealous wife made me change my name to 'Married.'

Now I have to introduce myself to other women as "Hi, I'm Married."

A couple got married at a credit union but no one showed up

Low interest

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As a married man it’s hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

It was on my birthday that i found out i married a cannibal...

When she swallowed all of my kids.

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A man is getting married, and wants to impress his bride to be.

So he gets her name, Wendy, tattooed down the side of his shaft. He keeps it a surprise for the honeymoon as it heals and is quite impressed with the work. Although when he's flaccid all you can see is Wy, when he's hard there it is, in all its glory, in a beautiful font. The big day comes, and they...

Fred and Mary got married

But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She re...

When 7 met 9 it was a blissful union, they decided to get married

And then came the night to consume 8

Why are bachelors skinny and married guys fat?

Bachelors go to the fridge, don't see anything they like, and go to bed. Married guys go to bed, don't see anything they like, and go to the fridge.

Why do married men have pot bellies?

When single men get home they see what’s in the fridge and then go to bed...

When married men get home they see what’s in the bed and then go to the fridge...

Never in my entire married life

Have I cheated on my girlfriend!

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A man walks into a bar and says “a round on me, I’m getting married”

“I had to make a difficult decision between 3 women”
The bartender asks “oh yeah, how so?”
“Well,” says the man “I had 3 potential brides so I decided to do an experiment. I gave each woman $1000 to see what they would do with it.”

The man goes on “the first was Lucy. She spent the mone...

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they were married?

Feyoncé

I was talking to a buddy of mine who was recently married...

I asked him how it was going, and he said "She's driving me to drink!" I said, "You're the lucky one, mine's making me walk."

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

I just read that 4,213,257 people got married laat year.

I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

A young married couple moves into a new apartment and decides to repaper the dining room.

They call on a neighbor who has a dining room the same size and ask,“How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you papered your dining room?”
“Seven,” he says.
So the couple buys seven rolls of expensive paper, and they start papering. When they get to the end of the fourth roll, the dini...

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An old lady who never married passed away.

In her will, it specified that her tombstone say, "Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin." But that was too many words to put on the stone, so they they just wrote, "Returned unopened."

I was about to get married to this woman.

However, just before the ceremony I found out she has a wooden leg. What do you think? Should I break it off?

i've been married two times. my first wife died to poisonous mushrooms. the other sufred severe skull fracture.

\-what happened to her?

\-she didn't want to eat the mushrooms

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married..

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

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A married man is out looking for some “company”

While driving late at night he spots a prostitute down a dark alley. Not caring what she looks like he tells her to get in and he drives down the dark alley to get his freak on. After things get hot and heavy a cop pulls up and turns on his brights.

He walks up to the car, knocks on the wind...

Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..."

"I'm not kidding."

I married a cuban girl

Shes my guantanamo bae

A study revealed married men die on average 7 years before their wives. Do you know why?

Because we want to

Two melons meet at the market and fall in love. One says to the other, "Let's run away together and get married!" The other replies:

"I cantaloupe, but honeydew I want to!"

What's the difference between a Married man and a Batchelor?

A Batchelor gets home late sees what's in the fridge and goes to bed. A Married man get's home late sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge.

Maria, a staunch Catholic woman got married and had 15 kids with her husband

Sadly, he passed away sometime later. Maria then married another man and had 15 children with him as well. Soon after, her second husband also passed away and eventually, Maria passed away

2 days later, it's Maria's funeral and the Priest says"Finally. They are together". Maria's sister, ami...

Dude exclusively hangs out with other dudes...kisses the dude he loves best...never gets married or even has a gf. You’re thinking what I’m thinking, right?

Yep, it’s Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

Husband: "No sweetie."

Wife:"I'm sure you would."

Husband: "Okay, I would"

Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

Husband: "Ya, I guess so."

Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, she's left handed."

Nancy Pelosi said if she was married to Donald Trump she’d poison his coffee,

Donald Trump said if he was married to her he’d drink it!

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A old married couple is laying in bed

The old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets a...

My friend is getting married next year.

If he gets divorced, we’re going to throw him a “hindsight is 2020” party.

A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?” ...

When we got married 50 years ago my wife and I made a pact...

In our life together, I would make all of the big decisions and she would make all the little decisions. For 50 years that held true and is why our marriage has been so successful. The most peculiar thing is that in those 50 years there hasn't even been one big decision!

I watched two satellite dishes get married last week.

The dinner was underwhelming but the reception was amazing.

An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

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A Newly Married Couple...

A newly married couple leaves their wedding and heads back to their room. They’re deeply religious and have never seen each other naked before.

Getting to the room, they start taking their clothes off.

Upon taking his socks and shoes off, the woman notices that his toes are severely di...

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Two deaf people get married and are confused on how to communicate about sex.

The wife says with sign language,"Now that we're married, we need a quick way to communicate whether we want to have sex or don't want to have sex." She thinks for a moment,"Okay when you want to have sex, pinch my right nipple. When you don't want to have sex, pinch my left nipple."

The hu...

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A older married couple were laying in bed one night....

reading a book before bed. The husband lets out a huge fart and says "Touch down"! His wife was disgusted at first but suddenly lets out a fart and says "Touchdown...Tie game". Not to be out done, the husband tries to fart again but only let out a tiny little toot...."field goal! 3 points"! The wife...

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A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

“They were giving dicks like yours...

Did you hear that Einstein married his first cousin?

I guess it's just a relative problem.

A 90 year old woman just got married for the 4th time....

It was big news in a small town and a local reporter wanted to interview the lady for a story. The reporter asked the lady what professions her previous husbands had while they were married and before they passed on. "Well..." said the lady " My first husband was a banker, the second was a circus pe...

Before I married my wife I was incomplete

Now I'm finished

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An elderly couple get married

On the wedding night, the bride enters the bedroom wearing her sexiest evening wear.

Be careful with me, she says. I have acute angina.

That's good, the groom responds. Because your tits look like shit

An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.

The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said. They go to found out what his future holds.

The fortune teller says, "Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot."

The old man says, "What did she say?"

The old woman says, "NEXT WEEK! YOU ...

Son: "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"

Dad: "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

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A married couple were seeing a family counselor for troubles in their relationship....

Counselor: First of all, tell me about something that you both have in common?

Husband: Well... neither of us would suck the dick.

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.


The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interv...

My cousins once got married.

It was awkward - someone asked if I was family of the bride or groom.

I said, "Yes."

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What's the difference between a single man and a married man.

Ones spends his nights alone watching porn, being miserable.


And the other one's single.

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Who married the guy with 8 dicks?

An octopus.

What is the phobia of "getting married" called?

Common sense.

You are married.

A middle aged husband saw a beautiful woman in the market and could not take his eyes off her.

His wife noticed and shaked his shoulder ," what's this? Have you forgotten you are married?"

"Not at all dear", came the reply," this is the fact i remind myself most at such moments."

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

A Spanish woman was married to an Arabic man when they discovered they were going to have identical twin boys.

After much discussion, it was decided that one should be named after his paternal grandfather Amal and the other after his maternal grandfather Juan. 

Years go by ...

The boys and their mom are at the grocery store one day when the boys were about 6 yrs old. As the mom was looking at c...

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A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

My father always told me that I could get married once I left school.

I didn't get the reasoning, but I scheduled my wedding for 3pm just to be sure.

Just before getting married man went to the astrologer

Man: I am getting married can you please predict my future

Astrologer: First 2 years of your marriage will be like hell

Man: Ok, but what will happen after 2 years

Astrologer: After 2 years you will get used to it

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(nsfw) Once upon a time, a man gets married to a beautiful buxom bombshell.

This woman has an incredibly high sex drive, and he can barely satisfy her at the rate she needs.

He gets ready to go on a business trip and wants to get something to keep her occupied in the meantime, so he goes to a local sex shop.

He asks the guy at the counter "what's the most hig...

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Three couples are trying to get married at a local church.

One was an elderly couple, another was a middle-aged couple, and the third a young couple. So the priest calls each of these couples in and presents them with a challenge.

“In order to get married at my church,” he says “you have to go an entire month without having sex.”

So they leave...

A man was engaged to be married

but his fiancee's beautiful younger sister kept flirting with him. One day he dropped by his fiancee's house to find no one was home except the sister, wearing only a slinky bathrobe. The sister said "I know you are engaged to my sister, but if you come upstairs with me, I'll give you one last fling...

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