A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s

I told him I knew a bit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.

So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women”

Friend B said “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.

My friend is a Jehova’s Witness. He got all pissed at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend is a pornstar

I guess he’s hard at work

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friends half jew

I guess hes jew-ish

When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend

but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

I have a friend, Celine, from China. She is beautiful but so fragile.

Poor Celine.

My friend was recently in an accident and his entire left body was paralysed.

I guess he’s all right now.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

My friend keeps saying cheer up it could be worse you could be in a hole in the ground full of water

I know he means well

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Called my friend.

I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."

Friend: "Ok shoot"

Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

Friend: "I dunno what?"

Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?

Friend: I dunno what?


*Click*

My friend explains what the symbols on a map mean.

He is a legend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

Friends are like snowflakes:

When you pee on them, they disappear

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend recently came out and said he was gay.

But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say one in every four men is gay

, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it’s Michael – he’s super cute.

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he's just Dav.

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

Two friends chat and one brags about his new car

“So I got a new Tesla Model X, it drives itself!”

“Nice! Where is it?”

“No idea...”

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What? A miracle?!"

I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.

He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.

My dim witted friend thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the one’.

But after looking through her dresser drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a police woman uniform, he finally decided.....if she can't hold down a job she's not for him..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.

The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she say...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

​

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

​

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

​

"How does it work?"

&#x200...

What did the German sausage say to its friend?

You are the wurst.

Cougar relationships are great for both sides: She got to brag to her friends about sleeping with a younger guy, and

I got to pass 8th grade.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

My friend says to me: “what rhymes with orange”

I say: “no it doesn’t”

My friend asked me to go to an air blowing convention...

But I’m not really a fan

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

Why Can't Stevie Wonder See His Friends?

Because he's married

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

My fingers are my best friends

I can always count on them

A guy once said to his friend, “Planes can be submarines, yet submarines cannot be planes.”

His friend replied, “Well not with that altitude they can’t.”

My friend told me the word "gullible" is not in any dictionaries

I went to check and it was. I don't know why he said that.

Friend: What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad one?

Me: Timing, delivery, word choice, audience?

Friend: Knowing when to shut up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As today Jews worship "Yom Hazikaron laShoah ve-laG'vurah" - "Holocaust and Heroism Remembrance Day" - I am actually thankful that a good number of my friends are Nazis.

The number is zero, and that is indeed a good and proper number.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"...

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results

My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry

He has selfie steam problems.

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.

His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”

“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s silence, and then a gunshot.

The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK,...

I told my friends I have a girlfriend...

They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real.

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

Well Jokes on them because neither are they

My friend didn't know the difference between Minced Beef and Minced Cow...

I explained to him that beef mince is a tasty food, but the cow mince is where you find the best jokes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

My friends kept offering me drugs

But when they gave me cocaine I had to draw the line

Yesterday my friend was showing off the features of his Huawei P10. Another friend stepped up with his P30 claiming it had 3 times the features.

Today they'll see what my P90 can do.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

I saw my friends Israeli passport recently.

Under occupation it just said Palestine.

So my friend had a threesome last night, and was telling her blonde friend about it

My friend says, “I slept with two Brazilian men last night.”

Her friend asks, “Wait... how many zeroes are there in a Brazilian?”

What’s the last thing my friend told me before I got hit by a car?

Dodge

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many guys in the friend zone does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They all just stand around it complimenting it, then get pissed when some other guy screws it.

My friend told me that avengers endgame is twenty second film in the series.

It sure felt longer than that.

My friends haven't been talking to me since the day I told them I didn't watch Game of Thrones.

To be completely fair they didn't do that before either.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

My friend asked me if I were an "arr" pirate or a "yo ho ho" one

I told him I'm an "I'm not paying 600$ for Photoshop" type of pirate

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says:...

My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?"

I responded, "My wife wasn’t home the entire night, and in the morning, she said she spent the night at her sister’s house."

He said, "So?"

And I responded, "She’s lying. I spent the night at her sister’s house!"

One of my friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blind man once walked into his friend's room while he was ejaculating.

He did not see that cumming.

Why do necromancers make such good friends?

Because they're great at raising people's spirits.

Two Friends Were Playing A Game

The game was where one person would hide a bunch of fake frogs alongside one real one. If the person were to hear a croak, they’d have to determine if it were real or fake. If they thought a fake frog croak was real, they lost. If they found the real frog croak, they won.

Billy was playing wi...

A friend of mine stole my broken pen but later returned it.

That doesn't make it write.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to go help my friend jack off a horse,

But instead we gave it a blow job.

Here's a joke my friend told me..

just kidding, i don't have friends

Me and my friend were walking in the park

Suddenly someone shouted: "Look a dead bird!"

My friend looked up at the sky and said: "Where?"

One day my friend asked me to pass her a lipstick.

I accidentally passed her a glue-stick.
She’s still not talking to me.

What is it called when you murder a friend?

Homiecide

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books,

but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

My friend said “you can’t take the square-root of a negative.”

She said I couldn’t..... but i can

My girlfriend is so smart

Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day.

I borrowed my friend's phone to call her.

She answered "What's up baby?"

She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her.

I met my good friend, who mixes up directions, for the first time in years. The first thing he said was,

"What's down?"

We were about to observe our first autopsy in medical school, and my friend asked me, “What do you think it’ll be like?”

I said, “Remains to be seen.”

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend called me for help, he said there were two women outside his house literally fighting over him. I told him he was a lucky bastard!

*“Lucky??”* he said *”No not really, the fat one is winning”*

My friend said he discovered the brightest star in the night sky.

There is no way he could possibly B Sirius.

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

My friends dishwasher stopped cleaning last night.

The divorce is going to be expensive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

Here's a joke my friend told me the other day:

A funeral service was held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they bump into a wall and hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find out the woman is still alive.
She lives for 9 more years then dies.
The have another funeral for her, at the en...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My black friend said he doesn't watch the tv show "Friends," because it's racist.

How can it be racist though when it doesn't even have black people in it?!?

My friend gave me a epipen when he dying

It must really mean alot to him that i have it.

My imaginary friend keeps making fun of me.

He says, “At least I have a real friend.”

My friend told me to stop singing I’m a believer because she thought it was annoying and I laughed because I though she was kidding

But then I saw her face

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My good friend is a narcoleptic...

It’s so weird. One moment, we’re just having a conversation like two normal people.

The next, I’m having sex.

A guy is asked to give an address at his best friend's wedding.

He grabs the microphone, clears his throat and, in the smoothest voice he can muster:

- Number 23, Maple Street, 2nd floor, apartment number 3.

The groom is dumbfound, looking at his friend.

- That's the address of you wife's lover, bro.

My friend told me that he thinks pennies are not logical

I just don’t get it. They make perfect cents

Having a friend is like peeing in your pants

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Group of Friends Hop on a Private Plane

An hour or so into the flight, the plane shudders violently for a moment, but calms down after a moment. The pilot comes back to calm down his frightened passengers and says "Now I don't mean to scare you but we just lost one of our engines. Really nothing to worry about though, we can fly just fi...

What do you call a friend who's smarter than you?

Bud-Wiser!!


What do you call a friend who's dumber than you?
Four Loko !!

My friend told me about the time his wife caught him sticking a feather up his ass.

He says he got off lightly.

I asked an alcoholic friend why he never shut his curtains.

I asked an alcoholic friend why he never shut his curtains, turns out he loves natural light.

I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a optician.

My wife keeps ignoring me, so I asked my friend what I should do to get through to her, and he said to listen to my heart.

I don’t think “beat” was the right choice.

A beer brand made my friend a lot smarter

In other words, it made my bud wiser

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

My friend told me she doesn't like Roman Numerals because you can't make puns from them.

I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.

My friend went to the doctor last night because he gets sick when he sees unwashed feet.

His doctor told him he's black toes intolerant

Some of my friends go on Tinder dates just for free food

I guess you could call it food for thot.

My friends keep calling me the hunchback of Notre Dame

Its not about my posture though, it's cuz my house burned down.

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his friend buy ice cream.

The guy says "I don't want to be racist, but this ice tastes great!"

The friend replies "That is not racist."

"That's what I said. Fucking Romanians, they never listen."

Best friends are like bras..

Close to your heart and there for support

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golfing with a hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.


"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game ...

Two friends went camping

After they had set up the camp, one of them tried to light a fire while the other prepared the salad. The second friend heard the first friend swear repeatedly and eventually decided to see what's wrong. He asked his friend "Why is the fire not lit? Did we forget the matches?" The other friend then ...

My friend told me a really good flat Earth joke earlier...

I can't say it here because it's too edgy.

My friends and I created a boysband of classical music.

We are the Bach Street Boys

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there’s three guys, been friends for all their lives.

One grows up to be a Baptist minister, the other a Catholic priest, and the last a Jewish rabbi. They all eventually married and their wives became friends too, to the point that they all decided to take a trip to Florida together in an RV. On the way there they wrecked and all died, pretty soon the...

I'm just back from my friend's funeral. He died after a tennis ball hit his head...

It was a beautiful service, to be fair...

My friend said my taste in dark humor is really messed up.

I think he's just racist; Pryor, Rock, and Chappelle are legends.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was talking with my friend and he asked my how big my dick is

I told him "3 inches, but that's ok. Some girls like it that wide."

My friends and I got pulled over by the police...

The cop asked: "Drugs,alcohol?"

I said:"Nah mate, we got both"

Hockey players are good at making new friends.

They break the ice really quickly.

Friends are like potatoes...

If you eat them they die