My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.

So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women”

Friend B said “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Called my friend.

I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."

Friend: "Ok shoot"

Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

Friend: "I dunno what?"

Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?

Friend: I dunno what?


*Click*

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

Cougar relationships are great for both sides: She got to brag to her friends about sleeping with a younger guy, and

I got to pass 8th grade.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

​

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

​

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

​

"How does it work?"

&#x200...

My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry

He has selfie steam problems.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day I'll pretend to be gay...

I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......

BAMM!! !! !!

... I'll fuck their boyfriends

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What? A miracle?!"

I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

I told my friends I have a girlfriend...

They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real.

​

​

Well Jokes on them because neither are they

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

What is it called when you murder a friend?

Homiecide

Some of my friends go on Tinder dates just for free food

I guess you could call it food for thot.

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

My friend told me that I don't know what ironic means

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop

My friend told me she doesn't like Roman Numerals because you can't make puns from them.

I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says:...

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property...

... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme.

A friend once asked me what's my favorite time of the day

I said it was simple: 6:30, hands down!

Why couldn’t Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he was married.

A friend has a fear of pi.

I keep telling him it's irrational, but he doesn't listen.

I had a friend who loved to joke about suicide.

Haven't seen him in a while, I wonder what he's up to.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"...

I said: "No it doesn't"

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

My best friend is frustrated with dating and says he can't find a good girl. I reassured him that good girls are found in every corner on Earth.

What I didn't bring up is the fact Earth is round...

My friend thinks he is smart.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian

They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

How do you get more friends?

You tell girls you love them

An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'

The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

What do you call friends you like to eat with?

Tastebuds.

Friends are like snowflakes

If you pee on them, they go away.

What’s the difference between high school and the friend zone?

I have a chance of making it out of high school.

I always hang out with my imaginary friend.

People used to think I'm crazy talking to myself in public.

But everything is fine now; I wear airpods.

I just proposed to my best friend of 25 years

My wife got a bit angry, and Brian also seemed a bit confused

My friend just became vegan

Its like i've never seen herbivore.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say a dog is a man's best friend.

But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst having a shit on my carpet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend...

***as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian***

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks" I said "Don't mention it"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man l...

A joke from one of my friends who's an airline pilot

So he often says, right before take off "Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to thank you for choosing Jet Blue and would also like to thank the wonderful flight attendants for their professionalism and dedication to trying to make your flight as safe and comfortable as possible. However, you won't find a...

I have this friend. She always keeps telling me real women have curves.

But I don’t think her scoliosis counts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

My friend showed me a meme he found on Facebook

I had seen that meme before on here, so i told him :

&#x200B;

"I have already reddit"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend said I need to get my shit together

I told him that it's cause I eat too much fiber

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend was smiling so sweetly at me the other day that I asked him if he was gay.

I didn't get a straight answer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.


"No. My husband wouldn't approve."


"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"


"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."


So the man sh...

My 35 year old friend and his 22 year old girlfriend had their meal out completely ruined by strangers judging them for their age gap.

It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.

I gave my friend some cash yesterday, he says he'll return it at Easter...

I'm a bit out of pocket, but I'm glad I Lent him the money.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend performed a sex change on a man the other day.

So glad he could pull it off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.

She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.

A man is asked to speak at his best friend's funeral.

He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

I couldn't believe it.

I was in tears.

I could never trust her again.

I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.

Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

I said, "bad dog".

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

What do you call adults with imaginary friends?

Religious.

I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back

I asked “who’s the other girl”

She said...

“Michelle”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

I just found out a coworker was just pretending to be my friend.

He was a placebro.

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

I have a farmer friend who is really good at his job

He is outstanding in his field.

What do you call it when you kill your best friend?

Homiecide

My friend has a habit of taking blurry pictures of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking hot showers...

I thunk he has a high selfie steam problem.

My friend asked me to stop making Math jokes

I said that I'm sorry, but bad jokes are my division

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to help my friend jack off a horse

But we gave it a blow job instead.

I had trouble making friends in college, but then came up with a foolproof plan.

I started telling girls I love them. Their first reaction was to say let’s just be friends.

For some reason, all my friends think I'm too patronizing

That means they think I talk to people like they're stupid.

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

Friend: Did you hear about the robbery at the movie theatre the other day?

Me: No, what?

Friend: Yeah, apparently they stole more than $1000 worth of stuff

Me: Oh my god, what stuff?

Friend: 5 cokes and 10 popcorns

My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.

I don’t buy it.

I asked my friend if she has ever smelled moth balls..."she said of course I have and you haven't?"

I told her no because I couldn't get his little legs apart.

My friend lost his board game.

He's asking me to investigate, but then suspected me.

One thing for sure, I have no Clue.

My friend started a business selling helicopters.

It's really starting to take off.

iPhone users, don’t bother sending the “Meteor” emoji to your Android friends...

...It won’t have the same impact.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 friends are walking through the snow (nsfw)

The first one turns to the other two and says, "It's so cold out here my dick must have shrank 3 sizes. "

The second one chimes in and says, "you're lucky, Mine shot inside my body to stay warm. "

The third one looks at them, shrugs, then says, "Eh, I've fucked so many cold hearted b...

What would you give to a guy who has everything? Asked a girl to her friend.

My phone number! Answered her friend.

I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries.

The good news is he's now fully recovered

I met up with an old Spanish friend of mine who always agreed with me

“Long time no sí”

Joe and John are best friends, one day they die in a car accident together.

Joe goes to heaven and John goes to hell. Joe finds heaven nice but he isn't happy knowing his best friend is in hell. So he asks St. Peter if he can go see John in hell. St Peter says, "I am afraid you can not leave, but I can put my hands over your eyes and give you a vision of John in hell."...

My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if your friends keep calling you fat...”

“You are much bigger than that.”

So my best friend tells me he wants to become a woman, but he doesn't want to pay for surgery

He asked for my help in pulling it off.

Does anyone want to be friend?

Asking for a friend.

Bob is walking down the street when he says his old friend John passing in a brand new Rolls Royce

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.

Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims," Wow, how did you get the great car?"

John says," So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I ...

A man goes to a bar with his friend after a day of work.

After a couple of beer, the man pukes on his jacket.

Man : Damn, my wife will kill me when she knows I puked on myself for drinking too much!

Friend : Hey, I got an idea.... put a $20 bill in the pocket of your jacket. Tomorrow, when your wife sees the mess, tell her that I puked on yo...

If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.

If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a sick friend in hospital today...

He was masturbating in the morgue.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house--there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have ...

Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke?

It was no laughing matter...

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.

Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My favourite joke: Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

A young kid came back from school and learned a new way to earn money from his friends..

He simply had to say to anyone close to him:

“I know everything.”

And that will reward him with money!

The kid first went to his father, he approach him and said “Dad, I know everything.” His dad’s eyes widened and quickly gave him 100$ and said “Shh. Don’t tell anyone please.”....

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

Over a year ago, I left a full load in my friends dishwasher when I stayed at his home.

Lucky me, he’s the father.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me and a friend go in a bar...

My friend who is homosexual was high, so he was looking zoned out.

The bartender asked why he looked confused. I said because he wasn't thinking straight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two friends are talking about last night

" Dude, last night I was coming back home from work, walking alongside the train rails as usual, when I spotted this girl tied to the rails. So naturally I untied her and took her home, feeling good, feeling like a true hero. Then when we got home I was feeling so excited by this experience that I d...

I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today...

Unfortunately he kept taking things literally.

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

I call my friends Dodo birds

Because they don't exist.

My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play that game!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl wants to go see a movie with her friends, but she doesn't have a ride.

So she goes to her dad and asks to borrow the car for the night. He says, "Sure, you can borrow the car, buy first you have to give me a blowjob." She whines and cries, but he doesn't budge.

Eventually, she relents and agrees to the task. She gives his dick an initial lick and says, "Ew! Dad...

My friend told me he can’t drink milk. I asked him if he is lactose intolerant. He said he is actually allergic to the milk protein.

I said “No whey!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two friends Bob and Frank are lost deep in the jungle when they encounter a tribe of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

A guy tells his friend ...

Man, I'm not a virgin anymore!

Ya right, his friend replies. How can I believe you?

Ask your sister.

Good one, I don't have a sister.

Well, ask her in 9 months.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I said to my friend," Goodbye crocodile."

"See you later masturbator",was his reply

R would make good friends

You know, I feel like if letters were personified, R would be that guy who just makes a friend out of everyone. Because without R, everyone is just a fiend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I heard that my friend had sex with his teacher.

Too bad he is home schooled.

Friend Told Me An Alabama Joke

Person: Would you take a bullet for the last person you slept with?

Alabaman Dude: Sure, anything for my sister.

Edit: Yes, a person from Alabama is called either an Alabaman or Alabamian.

I called a Chinese friend of mine to ask how he was doing while he was visiting his family back in China.

He said he couldn’t complain.

So my friend Michael had to quit his job as a magician...

Turns out *audiences hate him for this one simple trick*

My friends probably don’t think I would hit them in the face with an obscure vegetable just to get a laugh

Let’s just say they are in for a rutebega’ning

Why was the Stormtrooper so sad when his Jedi friend left?

He always misses him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when ...

My friend tried explaining to me how electricity is measured.

I was like... watt?

I tried to talk to my anti-vax friend the other day

Unfortunately the Oijia board wasn’t working

A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.

Edit : Mother of three..

Edit2 : Mother of two...

Edit3 : Mother of one.....

Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..

Why are your grades one of your closest friends?

Because your constantly checking on them and making sure they are okay.

My friend said, "I wish there was a way i could send something to your printer."

I said, "fax."

My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr.Awkward.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy with 3 testicles notice that all his friend only got 2 testicles...

So he quickly got back home and talk to his elder brother about this.

“I got a secret to tell you.” said the younger brother.

“What?” the older brother asks.

“If we add up our balls, we will have 5 balls.” says the young boy.

His brother then freak out and says: “What...

Never compliment your friend's moustache

No matter how good it looks on her face

The other day, me and my friend were arguing about whether X-ray vision was real

We debated for hours until he finally said that he could see right through my argument.

He'd always been a hypocrite.

Jim asks his formerly obese friend Phil how he has lost weight so fast

Phil replies, "I tell you my secret. There's this clinic I went to. They have a special program that makes you lose weight incredibly fast. Here's the address."

&#x200B;

So next weekend Jim has his first appointment at the clinic. He is welcomed by the doctor who sends him upstairs...