A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.

After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, “Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything ...

When I compare my wife and my mistress

I find it fascinating how different sisters can be.

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Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

Would you rather have a mistress or a wife?

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist were asked if they would rather have a mistress or a wife.


The doctor says I would rather have a wife so that I have someone to go home to after a long day at the hospital.


The lawyer says I'd rather have a mistress that way I don't have to...

What is the difference between a wife and a mistress?

The mistress says "Oh darling! That was *wonderful*!"

The wife says "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."

What is a Mistress?

It’s something between a Mister and a Mattress

What's the difference between my chair and my mistress?

One has the backrest

The other has the best rack

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant.

A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away.

The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistres...

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate...

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A man says to his doctor "Doctor, I have an embarrassing sexual problem"

The doctor says "Tell me about your sex life,"

The man says "Well, first thing in the morning, the wife and I have a quick 'morning glory'. Then I go to work and about eleven o'clock my secretary gives me a BJ at my desk. I nip home at lunchtime and do the wife over the kitchen table, then af...

Hank the Cowboy

May not be super funny, but this joke makes my brother heave a little.





For years, Hank worked his corner of the old west frontier by himself. He'd sell his goods to people heading west and collected a good sum over time. Hank was notoriously tight fisted with his money. He was...

Great performance!

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the...

An artist, an architect, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect said that it was better to have a wife, because you could build the relationship on a firm foundation.

The artist said that no, it was better to have a mistress, because the freedom allowed endless variations.

The engineer said that it was best to have both a wife and a m...

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant ....

An elderly couple are having dinner at their favorite 4 star restaurant when a gorgeous blonde walks up says "Hey babY!" , plants a kiss on the mans cheek and walks away .

His wife looks over at him and says "Who was that ?"

The man calmly replies" oh her ? That's my mistress"
...

Gravity is a harsh mistress...

*... but she has reasonable rates!*

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The Mistress

>A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint. This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at him: "Who the hell was that ?
"Oh", replies the husba...

Aunt Agony Advice Column

Dear Aunt Agony,

I have a romantic and loyal boyfriend, who loves me dearly. He isn't rich, but works hard at his job, and is trying to save enough to buy us a house, so that we can get married.

However, recently I met this wealthy old man who was visiting our country. He said he likes...

An artist, accountant and engineer have lunch

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says "Marriage for me. I love my wife, she's my rock, she's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I owe her everything."

The artist says "I'd never marry. I am lost without my mistr...

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Sportscar race

Enzo Ferrari and Ferdinand Porsche were arguing about which of their sportscars was the fastest, so they decided to each pick their best driver and have a race to find out.

They day of the race came, and the Ferrari won easily, pulling up at the finish-line a beautiful female driver stepped o...

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Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

Three guys are drinking at a bar

After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and ...

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A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue.

A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not

The Queen nods in assent, saying “you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz tha...

How do you tell the difference between your wife and your mistress?

The mistress doesn't ask where you were

A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...

- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.

At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"

She hangs up and turns towards her ...

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kil...

A man was married to a woman named Lorraine but had a mistress named Clairee.

One day, his wife left him. He wasn't too upset. In fact, he began to sing:

"I can see Clairee now, Lorraine is gone."

Sorry... I'll see myself out...

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John had a mistress...

John had a mistress from another country. One day his mistress calls and tells John that she booked a flight and was coming to meet him and spend a day there.

John wakes up early in the next morning and tells his wife that his uncle had passed away. He needed to go to the airport and meet s...

What did the mistress say to entice the termite?

"Want to get some wood?"

Having puppies

**Three dogs are at the vet's. Talking dog talk.**

Rover, "Why are you guys here?"

Sparky, "I been peeing all over the house. I'm going to get my nuts cut off." Ruff.

Barky, "I growl at everything. I'm going to get my nuts cut off. Ruff.

How about you Rover?"

Rover...

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A broke man went to a brothel.

He approached the head mistress and said “I have 15$, what can you do for me?”.
She responded; “Well, Greta up in room 102 can help you, she is pretty old, but very good. She has helped many before for very little”. The guy thanked her and went on his way. Upon entering room 102 and meeting Greta...

Two men golfing...

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns ...

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A man goes to a urologist...

...and says he has a problem with his penis.

"OK, well, can you urinate, can you get an erection?"
"Sure, no problem."
"Ermm, well how about your sex life, can you describe it to me?"
"Well, I wake up and have sex with my wife. Then I make some coffee and vreakfast, and when she co...

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A guy is out with his mistress when his wife shows up

He turns to his buddy and says, "Oh, shit, that's my wife! Can you get rid of her before she notices us?"

"I got you, buddy," says his friend.

The guy tries to hide, only to see that his mother has arrived too. When his buddy comes back, he says, "Oh, shit, that's my mom! Can you get r...

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Two best friends were walking down the street together

The first said, "Oh shit, here comes my wife and my mistress together!" and turns the other way.
"Christ, mine too," says the other.

My wife went to Jupiter and found pictures of me and a mistress.

She was crushed. My mistress asked what the big deal was... she didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

One space rock, said to the other space rock, “got any more gossip on the affair?” The other space rock replied, “yeah, turns out Carl’s mistress... is a man!”

Space rocks always love when the story gets meteor.

A Catholic guy has a child by his mistress

A priest is present during the child's birth. He asks the priest what he should name the kid. He responds.

"Excommunicated Jr."

What develops great logistical skills in a man?

Having three mistresses at the same time.

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Why did Einstein stop seeing his mistress?

She fell in love and he didn't anticipate entanglement

Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a ...

My mistress and I ran into my wife at the hardware store...

She kicked me in Menards.

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A man is cheating on his wife..

And one night, after a rather energetic session with his mistress, he falls asleep and doesn't wake up until 3am.
Horrified, he scrambles around for his clothes, gets dressed and leaves as fast as he can.
On the way home he has an idea.
He goes to the local park and rubs his shoes in the...

I was screwing my mistress in my marital bed when she got all guilty and weepy and insisted that we come clean.

So I finished her off in the shower.

(I figure things will be all back to normal after I work out where to stash her body.)

I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror.

I know my wife would never think to look there.

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

A well-off couple are having dinner in a restaurant when...

... a beautiful woman walks up to their table, passionately kisses the husband and says “I’ll see you later!”.

Fuming, the wife asks “who the hell is that?!” and the husband calmly replies “my mistress”. Even angrier, the wife says “that’s it! I’ve had enough. I want a divorce”.

Once ...

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First visit to a brothel (NSFW)

After several years of loneliness a man visits a brothel. He speaks with the madame at the front desk and he says, "It's been years since I've had sex, and I've never been to a place like this before. What can I get for twenty bucks?"

"Hmmm..." says the mistress, "twenty won't get you much i...

Three new corpses are delivered to the morge one day, each with a smile on their face.

The mortician examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death.

"First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.

Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of ...

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A man gets a call from his mistress while he's at work

The mistress tells him, "come over tonight, and bring that thing I like"

That night he gets to his mistress' house, and they get right into it. Eventually she takes him to the bedroom, and crawls on the bed on her hands and knees. "Now do me like I like it". He climbs on the bed & puts it...

An artist, a lawyer, and a gamer are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered...

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The gamer says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks...

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Trump has no mistresses...

He has alternative fucks.

I told my wife I was thinking about getting a side-piece.

She slapped me before hearing me out.

She calmed down when I told her that a side piece of land was available and I was thinking about buying that.

And then I am planning to move my mistress to that place.

Better late than never?

Mrs: Shame on you! I heard the news about your affair! You have an eighteen-year-old mistress!
Mr: You got the news late! She is now a twenty-three-year-old!

A man and his wife are eating at a restaurant when another woman smiles and waves at him

"Who is that woman, dear?" the wife asks.

"She's no one," he responds.

But his wife keeps badgering him, so he relents, "Okay... that's my mistress."

"And who's that other woman with her?" the wife asks.

"That's Bob's mistress," the man replies.

"Ours is prettier."

A man asks for his wife on his deathbed

Man: Dear I have to tell you a secret.

Wife: You don’t have to.

Man: I must. I cannot leave this world with this secret. Please forgive me.

Wife: Ok, tell me.

Man: I have a mistress.

Wife: I know. I found out earlier today. Now stop resisting and let the rat poiso...

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A Bishop had finally had it with a priest in his archdiocese who kept fucking up Sacraments

Right before he was about to excommunicate him, the priest got on his knees and pleaded to give him another chance. The Bishop was a good guy so he allowed the priest one chance.

"If you can preform a matrimony without anything going wrong, I will not fire you"

The wedding starts and e...

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An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere!" The head mistress turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts"

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Three Dogs are in kennels at the vet. A mutt, a chihuahua, and a lab.

"What are you in for?" The mutt asks the Chihuahua.

"I've been humping the master's leg too much so they sent me here to get fixed." Says the chihuahua. "What about you?"

"I knocked up the poodle next door. She's a purebred with papers so the neighbors are suing my family. I'm here t...

Mistress or Wife?

Three professors are discussing whether it's better to have a wife or a mistress.

The French professor insists it's better to have a mistress: "It's more exciting; your life is always passionate, full of romance!"

The Philosophy professor disagrees: "No, it's much better to have a wif...

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A man steps into a brothel (nsfw)

He approaches the head mistress and says what can I get for $5? The head mistress takes him to a room with a morbidly obese woman. He doesn't enjoy it but it got the job done.

Next week he goes back and tells the mistress he only has $4 this time so she takes him to a room with a chicken in...

Car Breakdown

Two male co-workers were driving to a bar together when they noticed a car broken down on the side of the street with two women standing near it. They pull over, and one man walks halfway to the broken down car before turning around and quickly walking back.

"What's wrong?" the other man a...

John took the day off work to play golf

When he got to the golf course, the attendant said they were pretty busy and wanted to pair him up with Steve to play together. The two guys headed out and after a few holes were getting frustrated by two women ahead of them playing really slow. Eventually, John said it was getting ridiculous and ...

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I was going through a messy divorce and getting screwed by my wife&'s lawyer when I found an old lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.

"Thank you for freeing me" he said. "In return I grant you 3 wishes"

"Oh! this is great," I said. "For my first one I wish I had an inexaustable supply of cash"


Puff! A wallet full of $20 notes appeared. "No matter how much you take out, it will always be full" said the genie....

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A man goes to the pharmacists and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills

A man goes to the pharmacist and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills.

The pharmacist is confused and asks “why 3 1/2?”

The man responds. "Well, Monday I am going to see my mistress and I need two. I need one for Wednesday with my wife. And on Friday, I am going to the sauna and it just needs ...

Wife enters the house while the husband is in the room with his mistress

Scared the husband quickly wears his clothes and tells his mistress to hide and goes to confront his wife.

Husband:So honey how was work today?

Wife:It was as usual my superman.

Husband:Anything new happened today?

Wife:Nothing my superman

Husband:But honey,why do ...

Two golfers...

Two golfers were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man sai...

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The Black Bra

Three lady friends had their weekly lunch together. One is engaged, one is a mistress and the third has been married for 20+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes....

Kissing her where it smells

I was making out with my mistress in the backseat and she said to me, “Kiss me where it smells!” So, naturally, I hopped into the driver’s seat and drove her to Secaucus.

Any of you from NJ?

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Golf with the boss

A man and his boss skip work one weekday afternoon for a round of golf. They tee off at 1:00 and after 2 holes they catch up to a twosome of women. The women are playing unbearably slowly.

After waiting nearly an hour to play a hole, the men discuss how to get around these slow-playing wome...

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Two men golfing...

Two older male best friends are going golfing and get stuck behind two women playing slower. They start to get frustrated and think about what to do.

The first friend tells the other to go and ask if they can play through, and so the second man heads down the fairway.

He gets halfway t...

Two men are playing golf

Two men are playing golf and while smashing through the holes, get stuck behind a couple of female players. The first man says to his opponent, "I'll go ahead and ask if we can go past!"



He comes back looking like he's seen a ghost and gasps: "I couldn't ask; one of the ladies was my...

A husband and wife are out to dinner

When all of sudden a very attractive young lady comes up and kisses the husband on the cheek, winks, and walks away.

Naturally, the wife is less than pleased about this

"Who was that?" She asks

"That's Jessica, my mistress" he replies

As you can imagine, the wife is not ...

Fishing

I was out fishing yesterday when I heard a soft voice saying "Kiss me, then I will turn into your faithful mistress"
I looked down and saw a little frog, " I said "Was that you speaking"?
The little frog said "Yes, kiss me and I will turn into your faithful mistress"
So I picked the little ...

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A woman discovers her husband has been cheating on her. She immediately hires a hitman to enact revenge...

Upon meeting the hitman she explains through her rage that she wants the hitman to shoot the woman with whom her husband was cheating in the head. Wanting her husband to suffer, she tells the hitman not to kill him, but to shoot him in his groin.

That evening, knowing her husband will be meet...

A man was having an affair

One night, his mistress confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he promised to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he also promised to provide child support until t...

Two good friends go golfing

Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my ...

Two guys were playing golf

Two guys were playing golf, and they were annoyed because there were two women ahead of them playing very slowly. One of the guys decided to ask if they could play through. He walked over about halfway, they suddenly turned around very quickly and came back.


"That was close," he said. "On...

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A janitor is cleaning the church.......

.....when suddenly the priest runs out of the confession booth.

He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because he had run to the bathroom.

Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything about confessions.

The priest hands him a sheet of p...

Lady of my dreams

The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed ...

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A dominatrix walks down the hallway of her brothel...

...into one of the many rooms. Inside, there's a man blindfolded, handcuffed, and chained to the floor. She walks up and slaps him as hard as she can and says, "Who's my little bitch?"

The man screams and yells, "What the fuck are doing?"

The mistress was confused, she'd been prepped f...

I just found out that the traditional 15th wedding anniversary gift is crystal.

My wife going to be so surprised to have a threesome with my mistress!

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?

In what year did you abandon your dreams?

What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress?

At what age did your childhood pet run away?

What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?

In what city did you first...

One day at court, the prosecutor called the first witness to the stand, and in came a gossipy old woman

The prosecutor started by asking her, "Do you know who I am?"

The old woman replied. "Yes, you're John Kim, and I must say I'm very disappointed in you. You're greedy, you treat others like dirt, and you've been keeping a mistress for years! Of course I know who you are."

The prosecuto...

Vets waiting room

Two dogs in a vets waiting room. 1st dog is old, grey around the muzzle has a bad limp and smells bad.

2nd dog, much younger, says to the old dog, '' Why are you here today '' Old dog replies, ''I am going to be put to sleep, i'm in very bad health, and my time has come''

Young dog...

An elderly RAF veteran was giving a talk at an all girls school...

He was called in to give a motivational talk about British moral during the war, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue, we became surround by a pack of these Fokkers. I had two Fokkers in ei...

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The Morning Commute (Adapted Chinese Joke)

Two guys carpooling to work approach a stop light while a hot, young girl driving a Porsche pulls up next to them. The passenger says to the driver, "I bet she's the Mistress. At least she doesn't have to work."
The woman overhearing the passenger screams back, "Asshole! If I didn't have a job I...

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3 dogs are at the vet

1st dog asks the other one: 'Why are you here?'

'Well, my master is blind. Yesterday i saw a hot female on the other side of the road, and i wanted to rush over to her. My master almost got run over by a bus. So i guess they are cutting my balls off today. Why are you here?



'My...

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