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A married couple are having sex

A married couple are being intimate in the bedroom, when suddenly the wife groans in pain and looks up at her husband.

"Honey... take off your ring before you finger me." She says.

He gives her a confused look and replies, "That's not my ring, that's my watch."

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Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

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Was having dinner with the in laws and the MIL said ….

….’How many potatoes would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cunt”

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

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A man and a woman were having sex

Her: I want you to hurt me

Him: Your sister is more successful than you

Her: Wait

Him: Not a big fan of the new haircut

Her: Stoppp

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NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

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A Nun having a bath

There is a knock at the door. "Who is it" she asks.
"Blind man" comes the reply
Thinking no harm can come from this she says "OK come in"
Guy comes in. "Nice tits" he says "Where do you want me to hang the blind"?

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.


After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember thing...

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(NSFW) A Chinese couple are having sex...

when the woman says to the man, "I wanna sixty nine!"

The man says, "why you want beef and broccoli now?

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Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

Two cats are having a swimming race

One is called 'one two three'. The other 'un deux trois'. Which cat won?


'one two three' won because 'un deux trois' cat sank.

Three guys were sitting at a bar, having drinks and talking…

The first guy starts bragging and says, “I made love to my wife 4 times last night. She said in the morning that she loved each one more and more.”

The second guy chimes in and replies, “Oh, that’s nothing. I made love to my wife 8 times last night, and she told me in the morning that it’s t...

An elderly woman was taken to court suspected of having killed the 4 husbands she'd had. There, the prosecutor starts the interrogation;

"How did your first husband die?" Asked the prosecutor.

"He ate soup made with poisonous mushrooms" Answered the woman.

"And, how did your second husband die?".

"He ate soup made with poisonous mushrooms".

The court gasps.

The prosecutor follows on "How did your th...

My wife was mad at me for having no sense of direction.

So I packed up my bags and right.

I hear they’re having trouble keeping track of people in Afghanistan

Now that there’s a tally ban

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant.

A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away.

The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistres...

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What grasshopper said after having sex with mantis?

The rasshopper said: OK I know you're going to rip my head off and eat me now but it was worthy.

The mantis replies: don't worry only the female mantis do that.

Al-qaeda soldier having a summer vacation

Al-qaeda soldier was given a vacation for serving a full year. His commander even gave him a plane ticket for his desired country. Soldier is full of joy and runs off to plan his trip.
Time comes and he gets in the plane.
While in plane he sees his friend from al-qaeda. He greets him and asks...

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What did the Pokemon say after having too much sex.

Vulva Sore.

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A group of guys walk into a new bar for the first time. The barkeep asks what they will be having tonight. [L]

The first guy orders a whiskey coke. The bartender without hesitation hands the man a chilled apple. The man confused by this asks why he is getting the apple. The bartender insists that he takes a bite out of it.

The man chomps into it and exclaims, “Wow! This tastes just like my favorite wh...

I'm having trouble focusing on my work

said the bigfoot photographer.

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Having sex in an elevator is wrong

on so many levels.

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

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A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, hi...

I thought people would take issue with my having two wives.

But everyone said it was awful bigamy.

My boss told me he's not going to pay me if I keep having erections at work

I told him that's my hard-earned money

A man and his wife are having troubles in the bed room.

He can't get the engine started and when he does she doesn't want to drive it home. One day the call and schedule a meeting with a specialist. They spare no expense and get the best guy money can buy. On the day of their appointment the husband and wife each get pulled into meetings right before the...

I was having trouble finding the answer on a question about lightning

But then it struck me

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

Having a tumor isn’t that great at first…

…but it grows on you.

My wife keeps complaining about having a headache that won't go away.

I keep telling her that I have a name.

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

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I don't look at my wife's face while having sex

I did once and her face looked very angry. She was looking me through the window.

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2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...

One lady whispers 'I'm getting a boob job'


2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'


1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”
Mike answered, “Want to split two?”

i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts

he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.

We found himalayan on the road.

Did you hear about the guy who won an award for having the most extra body parts?

He won the Chernobyl Piece Prize.

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A deaf couple is having issues in the bedroom

When the lights are off at night, neither of them can communicate. This leads to a lot of frustration for both of them, since the wife can’t tell the husband whether she’s in the mood or vice-versa. Their marriage counselor suggests coming up with a touch language that will work in the dark, thus no...

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So Joseph is having sex with Mary

They're going at it pretty good and Mary starts moaning "Oh God, oh God."

All of a sudden Joseph stops and says "come on Mary, can't we have sex one time without you bringing up your ex?"

Having a wife is like a grenade

You pull the ring off, and your house is gone.

Whats the best thing about having dementia?

There are new jokes on this subs all the time

My wife decided to trim our household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand...

Proud of her savings, she boasted “We’re are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.”

I replied, “Good, wash it again!”

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You know what they say about having sex while camping?

It's fucking in tents.

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My ex once walked in on me having FaceTime sex,

I didn’t even know she was at the other person’s house.

"How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."...

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I overheard my neighbor having sex

I thought I overheard my neighbor having sex. Actually, her mom came for a visit and fell. She was trying to get my attention by banging her cane on the wall. Now I feel bad for masturbating to it.

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My wife does this really annoying thing when she’s having sex…

…she calls me up.

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair

so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ....

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

What's better than having roses on your piano?

Having tulips on your organ.

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I walked in on this guy having sex with a brain.

It was a total mindfuck.

Where is the worst place to hide if you are having a game of hide and seek in a hospital ?

The ICU

Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur Tibia.

It's going to be quite the shindig.

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

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A German pensioner has been given a 250 thousand euro fine after being arrested for having a world war two tank in his basement.

Locals said he had previously used the tank as a snowplough, until one cold winter where it broke down on the Eastern Front Lawn.

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Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

I'm having a really tough time coming up with new phrases to put onto custom cutting boards...

I guess I have writer's block.

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A Man finishes having his fun with a Prostitute, he then escorts her to the door and says to her

"It was a business doing pleasure with you"

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Three guys are having a few beers and talking about how dumb their wives are.

Guy1: My wife is so dumb she wants to spend $15,000 to redo the kitchen and she can't even cook.

Guy 2: That's nothing. My wife wants me to buy her a new $50,000 car and she can't even drive yet.

Guy 3: My wife is dumber that both of them. She bought 3 boxes of condoms to take on a bus...

Having a baby

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby. For instance: my name, my address. telephone number.

Two Cannibals Are Having A Meal

Two cannibals are sitting down to have a meal of a recently cooked missionary. The first decided to start eating at the head and the second started at the feet.

First Cannibal: “How are you doing down there?”

Second Cannibal: “Oh, I’m having a ball!”

First Cannibal: “Woah! Slow...

The Pope recently had Colon Surgery. Imagine having to operate on such an important person...

The surgeon probably poped himself

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

I keep having flashbacks to the time I saw a K-Pop band in concert.

I think I have BTSD.

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Whats the difference between a causal dress party and having sex

Me: hey babe

Wife: hm?

Me: what’s the difference between a casual dress party and a pirate having sex?

Wife: oh god here we go.

Me:

Me: one, you come as you are…

Me: the other, you “ARRRR!!” as you cum

Wife: get out.

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot.

Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it.

I've stopped having naps on a Sunday afternoon. Naps are for the weak.

Not the weekend.

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is inthere already.The little boy says, "Dark in here."The man says, "Yes, it is."Boy - "I have a ba...

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