A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

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A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button

He had to pay in order to use additional features

It’s really hot outside but fear not, my car has the deluxe 2fifty AC feature.

2 windows down, driving 50 miles per hour!

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

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Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

S...

Did you hear that Elon Musk is trying to add Anti-German features to the new Tesla?

They are trying to add Hans free steering.

What's a female ghost's most attractive feature?

Her BOO-bies!




>!Oh come on, it's funny...!<

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

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Her best feature [nsfw]

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Why do good programmers never put circles into their games?

Because no one likes pointless features.

Do you think more people will realize that their cars have a built in feature called a “turn signal” and that it can be turned on and off with a stick next to their steering wheel now that they are hanging their face masks from it?

Probably not.

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God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

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The song "Earth" by Lil Dicky features musical cameos from dozens of popular singers.

The song was released around Earth Day and promotes the idea that everyone should work together to be green and eco-friendly and save the planet.

Many famous singers had cameos in the song as different animals or other forms of wildlife. Perhaps the most notable cameo was the singer that sang...

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

A priest, an imam and a rabbit went into a bar

"Sorry", said the bartender, "no animals allowed".

Said the rabbit "Damn antisemitic autocorrect feature!"

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

I got featured on r/woosh!

I still don't know why..

Imagine Hollywood is making a feature film about creating the perfect meal

In the first act of the movie, they go through many trials and tribulations to decide on what bread they should use. Eventually they decide on tortilla

The second act, they’re now plotting on what should go IN the bread. Meat, veggies, maybe neither.

Finally, the third act. now they j...

The creator of the PDF format died today

The good news is we can confirm the Save to Cloud feature has worked correctly.

Yesterday my friend was showing off the features of his Huawei P10. Another friend stepped up with his P30 claiming it had 3 times the features.

Today they'll see what my P90 can do.

I went to view a house yesterday with period features...

She hates it when I call her that.

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

Microsoft has put a hidden feature into Windows 10 which removes bad Reddit posts from the screen.

You can press the Alt and the F4 key at the same time to try it out.

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

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My wife and I were featured on Extreme Couponing last year.

Our episode of Hoarders airs next week!

Excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle

I’ve just been reading an excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle linked to a medieval siege. One of the burials was, from the skeletal analysis, a high status individual, but with the strange feature of having a skull embedded in the torso, this being of a lower status person. A careful rea...

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All of the Apple fanboys are missing the main feature they can hold over android users

Their nude pictures are automatically synced to 4chan and reddit.

Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast?

Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing...

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing at the end of the path, as he had done at the close of every day for the last 73 turnings of the Earth. Never farther, for it was as far North as he ever went, and he came this far only to pour out his sorrows to the fin...

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There's a new exhibit at disneyworld that features statues of some disney favorite characters.

A tour guide is leading guests through the exhibit as they pass such favorites as Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, as well as Pluto. As they're going through they pass a statue that's in the shape of a giant turd. Puzzled, one of the guests pipes up and asks the tour guide, "what's the d...

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Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders

Apparently, his saving really got out of control!

The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

The Good News: I landed a job at Dreamworks thanks to the Bumblr app's networking feature

The Bad News: I'm working on the Bee Movie 2.

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

The Furniture Dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the ...

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There’s a double feature at the theatre tonight. The first film is about a sexually transmitted demon. The second is about an evil clown.

It follows It Follows.

DJ Khaled was featured in a Weight Watchers commercial for losing weight...

...He must have stopped eating out...

I thought by now you'd realise

A taxidermist and his apprentice are working late into the night to get their big project done - a full size lion on a purpose built stand. This once-mighty big cat had been killed in a fight with another lion, and was being fixed up for display at a natural history museum. The taxidermist had skill...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

What is United Airline's favorite computer feature?

Drag and drop.

Did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features.

I hear it was a mean look.

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

There's a cool hidden feature on Tinder

Keep on swiping right and girls get fatter

If I had a dollar every time a news story features the president in these 4 years...

News stories will start to feature me in the next 4 years.

Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried?

My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

I heard Samsung is making a feature film

They're calling it Total Recall.

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

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an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

I was going to suggest that /r/jokes join the new OC tagging feature that Reddit is adding

But it would never be used on this subreddit

New features in FIFA 19

There is a chance that a game is delayed by 15 minutes due to hooligans with flares in the stadium.

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

My teacher asked me what a main feature of a greek tragedy was....

Apparently Bankruptcy was the wrong answer.

What instruments should be featured in a rogue AI's music band?

Just Harmonika

What’s the difference between a circus and a sorority?

The circus features a variety of “Cunning Stunts”...

There's a joke to be made about Niantic removing the step feature in Pokémon go instead of fixing the bug.

But I just can't seem to find it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me my best features were my smile and personality

If I don't have a mouth I'm fucked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm trying to mimic old porno that features sterile actors

But I'm having trouble getting it reproduced!

When I showed my friend an insect exhibit, he pointed to the most popular arthropod and asked what kind of bug it was. I had to correct him:

"It's not a bug, it's a feature!"

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

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I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today.

It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.

Daredevil was planned to be featured of Age of Ultron but..........

He had issues with Vision, you see.

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