Yesterday my friend was showing off the features of his Huawei P10. Another friend stepped up with his P30 claiming it had 3 times the features.

Today they'll see what my P90 can do.

French tanks in WW2 have special features

They have side mirrors so they can see the Germans when escaping.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

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There's a new exhibit at disneyworld that features statues of some disney favorite characters.

A tour guide is leading guests through the exhibit as they pass such favorites as Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, as well as Pluto. As they're going through they pass a statue that's in the shape of a giant turd. Puzzled, one of the guests pipes up and asks the tour guide, "what's the d...

The Good News: I landed a job at Dreamworks thanks to the Bumblr app's networking feature

The Bad News: I'm working on the Bee Movie 2.

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There’s a double feature at the theatre tonight. The first film is about a sexually transmitted demon. The second is about an evil clown.

It follows It Follows.

What movie features Mark Hamil, Carrie Fisher and Han Solo surrounded by garbage?

The Force Awakens

She had striking features...

Two black eyes.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

Have you tried out the new celebrity voice feature for Google Maps?

I chose Matthew McConaughey, but now I can't turn left...

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

What is United Airline's favorite computer feature?

Drag and drop.

There's a new Tesla feature where the closer you drive to your house, the more the entrance opens...

It's called the Elon Gate.

The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

I came up with a joke about the new chat room feature!

Nvm only 550 have it

I went to view a new house today with period features

My wife hates it when I call her that.

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

If I had a dollar every time a news story features the president in these 4 years...

News stories will start to feature me in the next 4 years.

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Her best feature.... NSFW

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

I was going to suggest that /r/jokes join the new OC tagging feature that Reddit is adding

But it would never be used on this subreddit

Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried?

My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills

All of the Apple fanboys are missing the main feature they can hold over android users

Their nude pictures are automatically synced to 4chan and reddit.

I heard Samsung is making a feature film

They're calling it Total Recall.

Did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features.

I hear it was a mean look.

There's a cool hidden feature on Tinder

Keep on swiping right and girls get fatter

Disney have brought out a range of George Lucas dolls, complete with realistic features.

They keep selling out.

My teacher asked me what a main feature of a greek tragedy was....

Apparently Bankruptcy was the wrong answer.

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Someone once told me my best features were my smile and personality

If I don't have a mouth I'm fucked

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

Whats the most obvious feature shared by a leprechaun and a sober Irishman?

Neither exist.

There's a joke to be made about Niantic removing the step feature in Pokémon go instead of fixing the bug.

But I just can't seem to find it.

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

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I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today.

It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.

French Revolution Jokes.

Robespierre was killed in a *split* second.

I guess King Louis XVI failed to get *a-head* of his competition.

The guillotine was *cutting edge* technology at the time.

Execution was a form of capital *PUNishment.*

If only Robespierre was spelt like *Robespare*.

Wha...

Autocorrect is a great feature...

but it can also be your worst enema.

Some friends who are software engineers invited me to go see a movie with them, but when we met up I found them staring at a centipede.

I asked when we were going to see the movie.

They replied that the centipede was a feature, not a bug.

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

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Groundbreaking Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is...

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The Particular Gardener (OC)

A gardener was starting a new job on a beautiful property, its driveway lined with fir trees, peacocks roaming the grounds, and a beautiful water feature in the middle of the round drive-end in front of what could only be described as a mansion.

As he hopped out of his truck this rather elega...

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Alan Titchmarsh told this joke at my graduation

A wife and husband lived in a house with a horrible garden.

Every day the wife would stare out her kitchen window at the garden and sigh. She wanted water features and flower beds put in, and a paved area to eat alfresco on.

Every day she would turn to her husband and say ‘darling pl...

An old man dies and stands before the pearly white gates

He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help.

"Yes," says the old man, "I've just died ...

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Did you hear about the hulk hogan sex tape?

It features a tan blonde with big boobs and a woman too.

selling announce in a Romanian newspaper:

urgent sell: wife!!!

fabrication year: 1983, second owner, certificate OK, autochthonous production

colour: ginger

features: super suspensions, big trunk, blue-Ciel headlights, red plump radiator grille, excellent front airbags

state of function: very good, a little used...

A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes t...

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What did the hotel keeper tell the guest who was complaining about cockroaches?

"It's not a bug, it's a feature."

I was using Spotify and they have this killer punch line:

Congratulations,






you just discovered a premium feature. Pay to see more!

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I don't like the way the art world is going. I've read that in the future many exhibitions will only feature digital images displayed on plasma screens in darkened, futuristic galleries," he complained to the bartender. "I'm going to miss the art formerly known as prints.

I was thinking about buying the new iPhone

But with so few new features, I thought the price was a bit excessive.

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Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

A new high-tech, fully automated supermarket opened recently in town.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.


In the meat departmen...

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The Tale of Three Brilliant Brothers

Once upon a time, there lived a rich old man in a remote town. This old man had three sons who are among the smartest people of the century. One day, this old man fell extremely sick, and felt the inevitable is coming. He asked his sons to gather around his deathbed and wanted to talk to them for on...

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Three supermodels are on a plane that’s going down over the Atlantic Ocean

While they’re putting on their life preservers, they start talking about what they’re going to wear.

The white woman says “I’m going to wear my hot pink bikini, because when they rescue us they’ll easily be able to see it and hot pink really accentuates my features.”

The Hispanic woman...

New announcement about Stan Lee's funeral

It will feature a cameo appearance by Stan Lee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

Apple just released the new iPhone XS

This new version has a lot of exciting new technologies, but it is also a lot more expensive. Experts are predicting that by the time they get to the iPhone 14, it will not only be grossly overpriced, but it will also have a lot of unnecessary features. They say it will be the iPhone XS IV.

In an alternate universe, Aladdin stumbles upon the magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it and out pops the genie. In this universe, however, the genie only grants you *one* wish and it’s from three pre-selected items of the genie. Aladdin, who obviously doesn’t know about the original story and therefor have no objections, happily accepts these ridiculous rules....

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A husband and wife gave birth to two beautiful twin boys

They were named Jesse and James. The boys grew up very successful in school and sports. They both participated in Boxing, track and hockey. They were also straight A students. One day while rough housing Jesse caught James with a left hook to the eye. This left a long cut under James’ eyes that heal...

Critics are comparing Aquaman to Black Panther

At first glance, the movies do appear similar. They both feature ancient sci-fi utopias hidden from the rest of the world. In each movie, theres a fight for the throne in order to stop a war. However, they are ignoring one major difference: the characters in Aquaman can swim.

Blonde Logic

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all wanna be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
...

What's a pirate's favourite...

What's a pirate's favourite architectural feature?

An *arrr*ch.

What's a pirate's favourite place to play?

A p*arrr*k.

What's a pirate's favourite thing to do to women?

Rape.

I never understood why society romanticises pirates.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

Interview (casting) :

- Please, list your 1 strong feature
- I'm persistent
- Thank you, we will contact you later
- I'll wait here

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two brothers lived far outside of town.

When they would run low on supplies, they would ride their camel into town. One day, they stepped outside of the store to find the camel missing. In a state of alarm, they summoned the police.

Cop: "Are there any features about your missing camel that would be useful in identifying it?"
...

What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

We thought we had made a better world.

We modified our DNA to portray emotions. Your face would turn green if you told the truth, red if you lied. The darker it turned, the more passionate you were. Some specialty shops would even modify the DNA to allow for additional emotions to be displayed with skin grafts - a yellow strip for calmne...

A software engineer walks into a bar.

He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order.

"Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks.

"Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender.

The engineer takes a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

The Misunderstanding

Hi John,

This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment lon...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Horse's Ass

Does the statement "We’ve always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I noticed that youtube video thumbnails now play an animated gif when you hover over them.

When i noticed this, i was laying in bed with my conservative, traditional girlfriend, but without thinking, i say out-loud, "Oh, youtube finally caught up to pornhub with that awesome feature."

My girlfriend: What?
Me: What?

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