What’s a fireplace’s best feature?

Dat ash.

Yesterday my friend was showing off the features of his Huawei P10. Another friend stepped up with his P30 claiming it had 3 times the features.

Today they'll see what my P90 can do.

French tanks in WW2 have special features

They have side mirrors so they can see the Germans when escaping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

Have you tried out the new celebrity voice feature for Google Maps?

I chose Matthew McConaughey, but now I can't turn left...

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

What movie features Mark Hamil, Carrie Fisher and Han Solo surrounded by garbage?

The Force Awakens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a double feature at the theatre tonight. The first film is about a sexually transmitted demon. The second is about an evil clown.

It follows It Follows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a new exhibit at disneyworld that features statues of some disney favorite characters.

A tour guide is leading guests through the exhibit as they pass such favorites as Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, as well as Pluto. As they're going through they pass a statue that's in the shape of a giant turd. Puzzled, one of the guests pipes up and asks the tour guide, "what's the d...

The Good News: I landed a job at Dreamworks thanks to the Bumblr app's networking feature

The Bad News: I'm working on the Bee Movie 2.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

What is United Airline's favorite computer feature?

Drag and drop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

I went to view a new house today with period features

My wife hates it when I call her that.

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Her best feature.... NSFW

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

If I had a dollar every time a news story features the president in these 4 years...

News stories will start to feature me in the next 4 years.

I was going to suggest that /r/jokes join the new OC tagging feature that Reddit is adding

But it would never be used on this subreddit

New features in FIFA 19

There is a chance that a game is delayed by 15 minutes due to hooligans with flares in the stadium.

There's a cool hidden feature on Tinder

Keep on swiping right and girls get fatter

All of the Apple fanboys are missing the main feature they can hold over android users

Their nude pictures are automatically synced to 4chan and reddit.

Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried?

My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

I heard Samsung is making a feature film

They're calling it Total Recall.

Did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features.

I hear it was a mean look.

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

A man has been building a submarine for many years

After he is finally finished with it, he shows it to his friends, who start laughing.

"That submarine looks hideous" said the first friend

"Yeah, the interior looks even worse" says the second

The man, still feeling confident in his build, decides that he is going to redecorate...

My teacher asked me what a main feature of a greek tragedy was....

Apparently Bankruptcy was the wrong answer.

A new ad campaign from "Dixon's," a hard-cider brewery, features a man hitting it off with the hot girl at the bar after buying her a bottle of cider...

You know what they say: every lady loves some Hard Dixon's Cider.

There's a joke to be made about Niantic removing the step feature in Pokémon go instead of fixing the bug.

But I just can't seem to find it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me my best features were my smile and personality

If I don't have a mouth I'm fucked

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Whats the most obvious feature shared by a leprechaun and a sober Irishman?

Neither exist.

Have you seen the features on the next-gen iPhone?

Just google 'Galaxy S4 reviews'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today.

It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.

Autocorrect is a great feature...

but it can also be your worst enema.

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

Apple releases an apple ..

Apple starts selling an apple in the shape of it's iconic logo. People stand in long lines to get the shiny, plastic sealed apples.

One curious customer tears open the plastic seal and finds a dead bug inside. The media gets wind of it and approaches the CEO to get comments.

He says: "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gives birth to a baby...

...and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! I...

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

Some friends who are software engineers invited me to go see a movie with them, but when we met up I found them staring at a centipede.

I asked when we were going to see the movie.

They replied that the centipede was a feature, not a bug.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Groundbreaking Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alan Titchmarsh told this joke at my graduation

A wife and husband lived in a house with a horrible garden.

Every day the wife would stare out her kitchen window at the garden and sigh. She wanted water features and flower beds put in, and a paved area to eat alfresco on.

Every day she would turn to her husband and say ‘darling pl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the hotel keeper tell the guest who was complaining about cockroaches?

"It's not a bug, it's a feature."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Particular Gardener (OC)

A gardener was starting a new job on a beautiful property, its driveway lined with fir trees, peacocks roaming the grounds, and a beautiful water feature in the middle of the round drive-end in front of what could only be described as a mansion.

As he hopped out of his truck this rather elega...

French Revolution Jokes.

Robespierre was killed in a *split* second.

I guess King Louis XVI failed to get *a-head* of his competition.

The guillotine was *cutting edge* technology at the time.

Execution was a form of capital *PUNishment.*

If only Robespierre was spelt like *Robespare*.

Wha...

An old man dies and stands before the pearly white gates

He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help.

"Yes," says the old man, "I've just died ...

A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the hulk hogan sex tape?

It features a tan blonde with big boobs and a woman too.

I was thinking about buying the new iPhone

But with so few new features, I thought the price was a bit excessive.

New announcement about Stan Lee's funeral

It will feature a cameo appearance by Stan Lee.

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I don't like the way the art world is going. I've read that in the future many exhibitions will only feature digital images displayed on plasma screens in darkened, futuristic galleries," he complained to the bartender. "I'm going to miss the art formerly known as prints.

I was using Spotify and they have this killer punch line:

Congratulations,






you just discovered a premium feature. Pay to see more!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

A new high-tech, fully automated supermarket opened recently in town.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.


In the meat departmen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three supermodels are on a plane that’s going down over the Atlantic Ocean

While they’re putting on their life preservers, they start talking about what they’re going to wear.

The white woman says “I’m going to wear my hot pink bikini, because when they rescue us they’ll easily be able to see it and hot pink really accentuates my features.”

The Hispanic woman...

In an alternate universe, Aladdin stumbles upon the magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it and out pops the genie. In this universe, however, the genie only grants you *one* wish and it’s from three pre-selected items of the genie. Aladdin, who obviously doesn’t know about the original story and therefor have no objections, happily accepts these ridiculous rules....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife gave birth to two beautiful twin boys

They were named Jesse and James. The boys grew up very successful in school and sports. They both participated in Boxing, track and hockey. They were also straight A students. One day while rough housing Jesse caught James with a left hook to the eye. This left a long cut under James’ eyes that heal...

Apple just released the new iPhone XS

This new version has a lot of exciting new technologies, but it is also a lot more expensive. Experts are predicting that by the time they get to the iPhone 14, it will not only be grossly overpriced, but it will also have a lot of unnecessary features. They say it will be the iPhone XS IV.

Critics are comparing Aquaman to Black Panther

At first glance, the movies do appear similar. They both feature ancient sci-fi utopias hidden from the rest of the world. In each movie, theres a fight for the throne in order to stop a war. However, they are ignoring one major difference: the characters in Aquaman can swim.

Blonde Logic

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all wanna be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.