My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

What's a female ghost's most attractive feature?

Her BOO-bies!




>!Oh come on, it's funny...!<

Michael Jackson was a feature on Drakes song “Don’t Matter To Me”

It’s really cool to see that Drake supports underground artists.

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Best features

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that s...

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

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The song "Earth" by Lil Dicky features musical cameos from dozens of popular singers.

The song was released around Earth Day and promotes the idea that everyone should work together to be green and eco-friendly and save the planet.

Many famous singers had cameos in the song as different animals or other forms of wildlife. Perhaps the most notable cameo was the singer that sang...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat depar...

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

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God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

Chrome is too political for me

It has a feature that closes all the tabs that belong to the right

Imagine Hollywood is making a feature film about creating the perfect meal

In the first act of the movie, they go through many trials and tribulations to decide on what bread they should use. Eventually they decide on tortilla

The second act, they’re now plotting on what should go IN the bread. Meat, veggies, maybe neither.

Finally, the third act. now they j...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

When I showed my friend an insect exhibit, he pointed to the most popular arthropod and asked what kind of bug it was. I had to correct him:

"It's not a bug, it's a feature!"

My local news network recently featured two artisans from my town. One makes burlap sacs, and the other makes musical instruments.

They thought the viewers would be drawn in by all the sacs and violins.

Murphy does it again.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

Went to view a house earlier with period features and the wife and I had a massive argument.

She really hates it when I call her that.

What’s the difference between a circus and a sorority?

The circus features a variety of “Cunning Stunts”...

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

Microsoft has put a hidden feature into Windows 10 which removes bad Reddit posts from the screen.

You can press the Alt and the F4 key at the same time to try it out.

Yesterday my friend was showing off the features of his Huawei P10. Another friend stepped up with his P30 claiming it had 3 times the features.

Today they'll see what my P90 can do.

I got featured on r/woosh!

I still don't know why..

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My wife and I were featured on Extreme Couponing last year.

Our episode of Hoarders airs next week!

What’s a fireplace’s best feature?

Dat ash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The park statue.

In this park there was a replica of Rodin's "The Kiss". It was, by far, the park's most beloved feature, and it was a popular place for young couples to meet and for people to propose.

One day, after all the visitors had left and the park gates had been locked, a fairy approached the statue,...

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Three not-so-wise men

Three men are preparing to go on a sightseeing plane ride. They were just about to leave, but then they decided that they wanted some snacks for their plane ride, so they head to a local grocery store before going to the airport. While there, the first man buys an apple. The second man buys a pear. ...

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There's a new exhibit at disneyworld that features statues of some disney favorite characters.

A tour guide is leading guests through the exhibit as they pass such favorites as Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, as well as Pluto. As they're going through they pass a statue that's in the shape of a giant turd. Puzzled, one of the guests pipes up and asks the tour guide, "what's the d...

Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast?

Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.

What kind of engineer is God?

three engineers are arguing what type of engineer god is.


The first one, a mechanical engineer, says he must be a mechanical look at the muscles and bone structure.


The second, a electrical engineer, say he is an electrical, look at the brain and the nervous system. ...

The Good News: I landed a job at Dreamworks thanks to the Bumblr app's networking feature

The Bad News: I'm working on the Bee Movie 2.

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

A man is explaining the concepts of time travel.

He speaks of how you must not manipulate what happened before, because that is how the current events occurred. However, it may be possible to change what will happen, due to quantum uncertainty.

In summary, he passed the past, presented the present and featured the future.

I have no title

If you ever feel useless, just think about the mortgage feature on Monopoly deeds.

You walk into a bar and see Rick Astley sitting alone

You sit next to him and start talking

Eventually, the conversation leads to talk of your favorite Pixar movies

Rick tells you that his favorite of all time is Up, he even owns a physical copy of the movie with bonus features

You say that you've always wanted to see it but never ...

The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

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My ex girlfriend got a butt implant...

Shortly after the operation, she starting getting calls from all these modeling agencies and she was even featured in the new Drake music video that aired on MTV.


I called her to say congratulations, and she asked me how I found out...


I just s...

She had striking features...

Two black eyes.

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Joe, Bob, and Mike are painters working on a house..

Mike says "I'm going to have a smoke break, I'll be back in a few".

A while later Bob noticed that Mike hasn't come back yet. They wait a bit longer, but still no Mike. They try calling his cell phone, but there's no answer.

The next day he's still a no show. They decide to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders

Apparently, his saving really got out of control!

What is United Airline's favorite computer feature?

Drag and drop.

DJ Khaled was featured in a Weight Watchers commercial for losing weight...

...He must have stopped eating out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All of the Apple fanboys are missing the main feature they can hold over android users

Their nude pictures are automatically synced to 4chan and reddit.

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

If I had a dollar every time a news story features the president in these 4 years...

News stories will start to feature me in the next 4 years.

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

Did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features.

I hear it was a mean look.

There's a cool hidden feature on Tinder

Keep on swiping right and girls get fatter

Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried?

My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills

I was going to suggest that /r/jokes join the new OC tagging feature that Reddit is adding

But it would never be used on this subreddit

Yes, Buy It Babe!!

Several men are in the locker of a golf club when cell phone on the bench rings and the man engages the hands free function and starts talking. Everyone else freezes up to listen.

Man: Hello

Woman: Honey its me are you at the club?

Man: Yes

Woman: I am at the mall and thi...

I heard Samsung is making a feature film

They're calling it Total Recall.

In medical school I learned that Facial features can help you remember the difference between people who have autism and down syndrome.

So all you have to do is take a quick look in the mirror and you'll know the difference.

What instruments should be featured in a rogue AI's music band?

Just Harmonika

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

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duck walks into a bar and puts down his tool bag

the bar tender is speechless. He’s even more amazed when the duck orders a drink. the same thing happens the next day. same routine. the duck walks in, puts down his tool bag, takes a seat, orders a drink. after a week of this the barman works up the courage and says to the duck “I hope you don’t mi...

My teacher asked me what a main feature of a greek tragedy was....

Apparently Bankruptcy was the wrong answer.

There's a joke to be made about Niantic removing the step feature in Pokémon go instead of fixing the bug.

But I just can't seem to find it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me my best features were my smile and personality

If I don't have a mouth I'm fucked

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

Daredevil was planned to be featured of Age of Ultron but..........

He had issues with Vision, you see.

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

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