Having a baby

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby. For instance: my name, my address. telephone number.

Omg we are having a baby boy!

Edit: THIS BLEW UP!

Edit 2: this post is on FIRE! Thanks!

Somewhere in the world, a woman is having a baby every 12 seconds...

Someone has got to go stop her!

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logiciam says, "Yes."

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I’m having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:

Then why did you eat him?”

A couple is having a baby soon.

The husband says, "Let's name him Pete!", after hearing the results show that it's a boy.

But the wife says, "Honey, I'm having twins."

"Well then the second one is called RePete."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby...

Upon arriving, he was asked to sit down as the nurse told him,

“Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets five big baby boys.”

The Redneck said, “I’m not surprised, I have a penis the size of a fucking chimney.”

The nurse replied, “You might want to consider getting it clea...

I asked my boss if I could have time off work because I was having a baby

When I came back the boss asked “So was it a boy or a girl?”

I said “I don’t know, I’ll tell you in 9 months”

A girl at my work is going to be having a baby.

I haven't decided which one yet though.

My girlfriend wants to have a baby…

and I don’t, so we’re going to compromise. We’re having a baby but I get to name it. So I’m going to call it Brexit, because although only half of the people involved want it to happen, it’s going to happen anyway.

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to hav...

Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica.

It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.

Having a baby in the south is like yeast...

Y'know, cause it's in-bread.

People say that having a baby makes you exhausted.

But I usually get eight solid hours of sleep every month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having a baby son and a methhead girlfriend at the same time is hard work.

I mean, one keeps shitting on the floor, cries all the time, gets sick constantly and thus costs me a fortune.

Sometimes I feel lucky that my son is a quiet kind of kid

Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method.

But Han shot first.

Prince Harry and Megan are having a baby!

The first royal jaffa!

A Woman is Having a Baby

When the baby comes out he looks at the doctor and says "are you my dad?", he says no I'm the doctor. The baby then looks around to another man and asks "are you my dad?", the man says no I'm your uncle. The baby then looks around again and says to the person closest to his mother "are you my dad?" ...

What did the woman say while she was having a baby?

"This could use some salt."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a womans vagina after having a baby...

"Baby Gap©"

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?

She's having a baby in the spring.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what? "At that point I would h...

Man goes for a run, but not for a reason you may think.

Rick: “Honey, I’m home!”

Wife: “Oh my, you’re certainly sweating a lot! Did you finally go for a run?”

Rick: “That’s right, but-“

Wife: “I’m so proud of you! You should go running more often-“

Rick: “But-“

Someone knocks on the door.

Wife: “Who is it?”
...

My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been retur...

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