How to sustain a long marriage

Have two romatic dinners every week.

You can do a lot of things on a romatic dinner, like drinking wine, dancing, watching TV etc.

My wife goes on Monday and Wednesday, I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

Saudi-Arabia has developed teleportation technology in order to sustain their economy when oil is depleted.

First tests in their embassies are promising, but apparently there are still issues with the part that is supposed to make one reappear.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,

the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

Jokes about Sustainability

Will they last?

On the first day of preschool, kids are taught how to play Simon Says

After you graduate high school and get a job, you find out your boss is Simon and you got duped into going to school for 10 years when you learned all you had to know on your first day of preschool.

Frustrated, you go back to your high school teacher to learn something useful for once, "Teach...

#Breaking news

A clown recently had to retire earlier this week.
#
After sustaining an injury, the clown was found to have broken his funny bone.
#
Looks like he got the last laugh.

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

An environmentalist friend of mine told me I should buy organic because it's sustainable

I looked at my bank account, and I really disagree.

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. Th...

A redneck suffered a nasty fall...

So he visited a physician and sought treatment.

“Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained,” the doctor said.

The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

I sustained a serious neck injury a few years ago...

...and I've never looked back.

Lady of the Lake

A couple went out for a walk on the river path.

As they stroll along the path, the husband trips over and falls into the lake. Unfortunately, both of them cannot swim, so the wife panicked and cries for help, but no one is around to help her husband. Luckily for the wife, Lady of the Lake see...

- Could you help me choose the tie, please?

\- Of course, sir. I would recommend one of these. This model can sustain the weight of a full-grown man.

What’s the most merciful thing you can do for a vegetable?

Unplug it from life sustaining equipment.

So I was arrested for showing my erection to an NPR host...

I don't get it. She SAID she wanted to see more sustaining members.

A man and his wife are driving around

When suddenly another car crasher right on the passenger's seat.
The man then rushes his wife to the hospital where she is taken to the operating room for surgery.

8 hours pass and the man has been waiting outside worried for his wife, when the door opens and the doctor comes out exausted...

George W Bush, Barack Obama, and Trump all die and go to heaven.

Upon arriving, God asks them respectively what they believe in.

Bush said he believes in American exceptionalism, the right to bear arms, and the free market.

God said alright, you can take this seat to my right.

Obama said he believes in everyone having Healthcare, equal rights...

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Alice, Ted and Phillip survive a plane crash and were marooned on a deserted island..

The island was small and hot, but there was enough food and fresh water to sustain them. Alice was gorgeous - fit in every way - but was recently engaged and very much in love with her fiance whom she hoped to be reunited with shortly.

The three passed the days as chums, building a modest ...

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A day in the ER

Sean Bean's wife brings her husband into the Emergency department with a broken nose and a bruised shoulder. During triage the nurse asks how the Sean sustained the injuries. After a nudge from his wife, he sullenly replies "I was looking over my shoulder and walked into a door." The nurse wonders h...

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5 men and 1 woman on a deserted island

Five men and one woman strand on a deserted island after their cruise ship sank. They are the only survivors. They find shelter and enough food and water to sustain them. So now they discuss the matter of sex. They all agree that each man gets his different day of the week to have sex with the woman...

A guy walks into a bar

-- and sustains a mild concussion.

Donald Trump's Library Burned Down...

In a disastrous fire that destroyed Trump's library huge damages were sustained and all his books were lost. The real tragedy is that he hadn't finished coloring one yet!

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are golfing...

... and they keep getting held up by a twosome in front of them. The two guys can't hit straight, take forever to find their balls, they are terrible, and no amount of yelling at them seems to help. Finally the greenskeeper comes around in his cart so they flag him down.

The greenskeeper sa...

The priest, the minister and the rabbi

The priest, the minister and the rabbi are talking about what are they doing with the donation of their congregation.
-I use one quarter for myself, and I spend the rest for the church and for the glory of God- says the priest.
-I spend the half of the money for my sustainment, and the rest I ...

I had this phone conversation the other day.

Me: “Consider this: like, right now, as we speak, there are human beings, like you and me, living in outer space. How crazy it is that we, as the human race, have collectively gathered the resources and technology required to haul dozens of tons of materials, entire habitats, up 350 thousand kilomet...

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A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and ro...

It is 1538 and the Dissolution of Monasteries by King Henry VIII is in progress...

having broken away from the Catholic church, Henry had angered many adherents both domestic and abroad, and sought to shut down any institutions that swore their allegiance to the Catholic church before he had a revolt on his hands.

He attempted to completely squash all churches, monasteri...

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The Mouse and The Bear NOTE: It is like a story joke but worth a read... I think.

The mouse and the bear hate each other, but they both have the same goal, which is to find the magical frog genie who would grant three wishes to any who would find and free it. So the mouse and the bear decided to let their hatred aside and work together to find the frog. For days they would strugg...

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A pregnant woman was robbed and shot

One night while out buying groceries, a pregnant woman was robbed and shot three times. She managed to survive, but the doctors were unable to remove the bullets from her body. Even with the trauma her body sustained, she was still able to deliver a healthy set of triplets a few months later, two gi...

Baseball & Football -George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allo...

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My late grandfather's favorite joke (requires a bit of performance)

A man goes in to have his suit tailored. "Mario," he says, "this suit you made me, the hems are all wrong. Take a look." "Ah, that's no problem," says the tailor, "you just have to walk like this." [waddles around with his knees apart kicking his legs up high.] "Fix it!" the man huffs, and takes the...

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