How do trees maintain our ecosystem?

Using root access.

At his deathbed, father-of-three Joe tells his wife Joan: "Let John take over the family business." Joan: "Jimmy's better in business. Let John help him." "OK but let Jack have my F150." Joan: "But John is better at maintaining it." OK, but let Jack have the Ford Mustang."

Joan: "Can he share it with Jimmy?" Joe sighed and said: "Honey, who's dying - - you or me?"

How does an arborist maintain his business?

He keeps a log of every tree he cuts down.

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When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

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A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment co...

I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

Does anyone know the cost to maintain Fenway Park from season to season?

I don’t need exact figures, just a ballpark estimate.

A well known rule of three

Long ago, on a different geometric planet, there were many perfectly triangular lakes. On each lake were three kingdoms, each presided over by a trio of higher beings. One particular lake has an interesting story. Though the kingdoms on it started out peacefully, each settling their dispute with ano...

How do 69° and 21° maintain a strong relationship?

They complement each other.

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

A man asked iron man how he maintains his body

He replies i-run-man

A young doctor an an old doctor were standing in a hospital, trying to out-diagnose each other.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner.

Just then an old man hobbles by, walking carefully with short, shuffling steps. He has an IV tower with him and appears to be leaning on it for support.

The young doctor snaps his fingers and says “I g...

Yoda is piloting a 747...

Radio tower: Flight 90 you seem to be veering away from your designated flight path. Stay on course. Over.

Yoda: Instrument panels, working not.

Radio tower: Flight 90, stay on course. Is everything okay? Over.

Yoda: Too many clouds, there are.

Radio tower: Flight 90. Ma...

A German police car is stopping a slow driving car on the Autobahn.

The police officer gets out and asks the motorist why he is driving that slow.

"Well, I drive the speed as of the Autobahn's designation number.", replies the motorist.

P: "So, on the A25 you're doing..."

M: "25, yes. My speedometer gives out the exact number, so I try to maint...

With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

How does Kim Jong Un maintain power in North Korea and combat ED?

He puts on fake erections

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Best features

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that s...

People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites.

After 10 years, my job still sucks.

How do you maintain your dignity working as an official for President Trump?

Acting!

An observation on an age old question...

What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said that ...

Why can't programmers maintain good relationships?

They have a lot of arguments.

Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year

Next to his HIV diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside them

Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a ...

People are surprised when I tell them that I have a 4.0GPA while working and maintaining an active social life

But hey, anything is possible if you lie.

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

How was Bill Clinton able to maintain a steady surplus during his presidency?

He had a great Al Gore rhythm.

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.

Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"<...

A musician goes into labor

To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, “Oh god! The triplets are coming!”

“One and a two and a three and a!”

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Indian guy is in dire trouble.

His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.

He's so desperate that he decides to ask Lord Vishnu for help. He goes to the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Vishnu, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Pleas...

Heartbreaking

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

There is a lawyer in a 3000$ suit

He is well dressed, his suit is tailored, his shoes are top quality; he is a obviously very important lawyer. He goes back home and his wife is desperate, the sink has been leaking all day.

The lawyer tries to fix it, half an hour passes but he is not able to find a solution, desperate he fin...

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

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A pornstar an a nun enter a bar...

The pornstar (male) already wanted to fuck. He sees this young nun,and confident of his body and his charm,he goes to talk to her and says;

-I'll be honest. I came here 'cause I want to fuck you

-Oh good Lord! Of course not! I made a promise. I can't do that.

The nun then,...

How does Trump maintain his clean image?

Golden showers.

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I popped into Lowe's today to get some grass seed for my yard.

Me: I'm looking for some grass seed but I want something that's easy to maintain.

Employee: Oh then you will want our new brand of emo grass.

Me: What's so special about emo grass?

Employee: there's no upkeep, it cuts itself.

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You are moving cross country. FedEx agrees to fly all your belongings over. During the flight the plane is unable to maintain lift.

The pilot asks you to lose some baggage. What do you lose ?

The fridge.

Why ?

Cause it's heavy. Why is the fridge heavy ?

Cause it has a fucking giraffe in it.

A small chunk of cereal made its way to his best friend

"I'm going to get married!" said the cereal

"Whoa, thats cool!" said his friend, "But I gotta warn you... its hard for cereal to maintain their marriage."

"Why is that?"

"Well, it seems like you've got this in the bag, but it always, my dear friend, always breaks down."

The little man in the hat. (OC)

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.

This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the tim...

An elderly man went in to see his doctor

Man: “I no longer seem to be able to maintain an erection, and it’s beginning to cause a strain on my marriage!”
Dr: “I see... and when did you first notice that you were having difficulty?”
Man: “twice last night and once this morning”

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A man runs a small business and falls on hard times......

....He has only two employees that work for him and he needs to lay one off in order to maintain the business. He realizes he has a tough choice ahead, on one hand there's his employee Debbie, a good employee but she's raising two children and he knows she really needs the job. On the other hand the...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

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A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth

‘Nurse’, he mumbles, ‘Are my test results back?’

The nurse is taken aback at this request but maintains a professional face and walks over to his chart.
She raises the file and rifles though the pages with one hand.
She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong here sir’.

...

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise conce...

I just donated some money to the maintainers of a Linux distribution derived from Red Hat

\*tips fedora\*

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A man gets sick of it all and joins a monastery

He travels to Nepal, hikes high into the mountains and finds a monastery. The head monk informs him that they would accept him if he dresses the part, does his work, and learns the ways of peace and meditation. The man agrees. The head monk tells him, "one last thing, you must take a vow of silen...

"This is my dad, Howard"

**ME:** hey........ *[we lock eyes]*
Howard you doing?

**HER Dad:** *[maintaining eye contact]* sarah this is the one.

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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

A man's guide to love and lasting relationships

1. Get a woman who cares for you and is compassionate.
2. Get a woman that knows how to maintain a home.
3. Get a woman that puts out.
4. Get a woman who will stay faithful to you forever.

And, most importantly:
5. Never let those four women meet each other.

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.


"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

A captain and a sailor are on a ship.

One day the sailor drinks a bit. The captain notes this down that the sailor was drunk. The sailor pleads him to add that he was drunk but it was only once in eight years or else he may lose his job. The captain declines this saying whatever he has written is the truth.
Next day it is the turn of...

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”

25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.

“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eg...

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara [NSFW]

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation. After a long silence, the priest states:
'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.'
'I know, father. As a...

So Iron Man and Bruce Banner walk into a bar.

They both grab a stool at the bar and start slamming shots. Tony, a notorious alcoholic, maintains his composure.

He turns over to Bruce as he hits more back. He sees Bruce getting tipsy and a bit green.

Tony: "You okay there?"

Hulk: "Hulk smashed!"

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So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build...

Husband asks his wife

When I get mad, you remain calm and don't react.

How do you maintain your self control?

Wife: I just go and clean the toilet

husband : How does that help

W: I use your tooth brush

A woman sent two ties to her son in law.

Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him.

The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence.

Finally she spoke, “...

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

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Once upon a time, there was a kingdom.

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom. In that kingdom the princess was the most beautiful, but her father the King was obsessed with maintaining her virginity. So he had a device put in her vagina which would lop off anything put inside. He then called his 3 most loyal knights before him.

Ki...

There was an old Bolivian train driver...

who had been driving trains for nearly 25 years, maintaining a perfect record. One day, he is running a little behind and will be late to his next stop if he doesn't hurry. He calls into the train station and asks to speed up the train so he can make it in time. They tell him that he's hauling too m...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

[OC] What do you call sisters who can fix things?

Maintain-nuns.

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Three men show up at the Pearly Gates...

Right before closing one day three men show up to the Pearly Gates for judgement. The case manager angel on duty was quite put out with the prospect of staying late so rather than looking through the life history of each of the men he decided to admit them based on how cool their death story was. <...

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A man was lost in the desert

With nobody by his side apart from his trusty camel. The man walks miles and miles, maintaining his needs by eating the flesh of dead animals and drinking from the oasis' scattered across the lands. However the one basic need he is unable to satisfy is the need for sex. After several days the man ca...

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