UPJOKE

Having Kids Jokes

I got a vasectomy to stop having kids…

And the damn toddler was still at home when I got back!

Not having kids

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off by tomorrow.

What's the difference between having AIDS and having kids?

Everyone considers you a hero if you beat AIDS.

When people ask how it feels not having kids...

I tell them I have no rugrats.

I can see myself getting married, buying a house and having kids but

getting a tattoo? That is a real commitment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Changing diapers is the hardest part about having kids

You can't half ass it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having kids is like getting a stupid tattoo...

It takes most people a couple years to realize how bad they fucked up.

A woman goes to the library and whispers to the librarian, "Where can I find a book about restarting your love life after having kids?"

The librarian points to an aisle and whispers back, "Non-Friction."

If you’re ever contemplating having kids,

Just look at your parents. You can’t possibly do worse than them.

A wife and husband start talking about having kids.

Husband: Do you think your ready to have kids?

Wife: I’m not sure. They can be the greatest thing in a parent’s life.

Husband: But they can be a handful.

Wife: So do you want kids?

Husband: No, not really.

Wife: I mean I think we would be awful parents anyway. <...

I truly believe having kids is a full-time job.

And I don’t bring work home with me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asked me what was my secret to a successful marriage after having kids? I told them it's Vaseline, but not for what you're thinking.

Rub a scoop onto the door handle and the kids can't turn the knob to get into the house.

Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 38?

Because 39 is just too many.

What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?

Poverty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife that having kids had made our love life a little bland. She laughed, grabbed a peach from the kitchen, seductively ate the flesh, and masturbated with the pit.

Mother fucking hard core.

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